Monday, August 31, 2009

Checking between the couch cushions for coinage for the mega-millionth time

Michigan's record 15% unemployment rate has actually spurred lottery ticket sales. It makes me think that us Michiganders are suffering from a "Willy Wonka" syndrome. Like Charlie and his grandpa, we are scrapping together our last nickels for a one-in-176-million chance at a golden ticket inside a Wonka bar. Or a Mega Million winning lotto ticket:

GRAND RAPIDS, MI – Despite — or because of — the state’s dire financial position and country-leading 15 percent unemployment rate, Michigan Lottery officials said that its lottery sales are running “at a near record pace,” the Grand Rapids Press reports.

"We get people in here on unemployment, and they're putting together change just to buy one ticket," said Longhurst, an employee at Party World liquor store in Alpine Township, referring to a recent day’s tickets sales...

By the way, I was at the local unemployment office the other day - minding my own business and looking for work...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

SNEAK PEAK at Obama's "heartfelt" Kennedy eulogy

The Ted Kennedy Funeral & Government Controlled Health Care Variety Show will dominate television coverage today, so I should make good progress reading my latest novel after mowing my grassy knoll. I certainly am now a believer in the 'Kennedy Curse', having witnessed first hand it claiming the life Of this 77-year-old tumor-riddled binge-drinking senator.

SNEAK PEAK at Obama's "heartfelt" eulogy speech later today:
(joined already in progress)
OBAMA: My sympathy goes out to Vicki Kennedy for her loss. As you know, Vicki married Ted in July of 1992, and they just celebrated their 17th anniversary last month. Ted had a great sense of humor and always liked a good Chappaquiddick joke, so in that spirit, I thought I would take this occasion to tell a little anecdote myself. I hope you find some comfort in this Vicki.

A couple decided to go to Florida and stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 17 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Saturday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Martha’s Vineyard, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The computer screen read:

To: My loving wife Vicki

Subject: I've arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Pigeon sighting in Flint

This is an actual photo (thanks Cartman) of the pigeon that terrorized our office building for most of yesterday morning...

I know I have been guilty of slight embellishments here in the past, but I swear I haven't doctored this photo. It would occasionally take a few steps on the window ledge, all the while bobbing it's massive head in and out as if to say, "that's right, I'm bad!".

OK, maybe it was just me who was intimidated by this bird's powerful pecs. The ladies in the office feigned amusement at the pigeon, as the smiled and cooed back. Sure! Easy to be brave when there is thick glass between you and this monster squatter.

I'd feel safer swimming with the Polar Bears!

Then again, there are some creatures that are just too scary to view behind even the thickest unbreakable glass...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Kennedycare promises no more pain

Oh goody... TIME publishes commemorative issue in honor of the liberal lion of the Senate.

Kennedycare promises "No more than 10 hour waits" (especially when trapped in a 1969 Oldsmobile filled with freezing cold water) and "no more pain", as Americans will increasingly engage in longer periods of excessive drinking interrupted by only temporary bouts of sobriety.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Multicultural Courtrooms and the declaration of war against common sense

OK, the actual headline that caught my eye this morning states, "Woman to sue judge over removal of Islamic head scarf". I must suffer from just a touch of dyslexia, as my mind scrambled this headline to read, "Islamic Woman who Removed judges head over scarf to sue (Eric Holder to prosecute the judge's severed head)".

Then I read it correctly and admonished myself for the error, thinking, "C'mon DaBlade, not every Muslim carries a large Scimitar under their robes, ready to wield it when insulted. Some like to symbolically dismember this country's institutions through its own legal system (right Eric?). Anywho, here it is...
Southfield -- An Islamic group said it will file a federal lawsuit today against a Wayne County judge who ordered a Muslim woman to remove her head scarf.

But a spokesman for Wayne Circuit Judge J. William Callahan said the judge never would have asked Raneen Albaghdady to remove her scarf if she told him it had religious significance.

"No hats allowed in the courtroom," Callahan is heard telling Albaghdady...

Barney Frank: "It is a tribute to the First Amendment that this kind of vile, contemptible nonsense is so freely propagated."

Of course, ol' Barney was talking about something else entirely at the time. If I remember correctly, I think he was waxing nostalgic about the good old days when he ran a male prostitution ring in his basement.

"This is a lady whose face was fully visible," Canton Township attorney Nabih Ayad said of Albaghdady. "There was no reason to tell her to remove her scarf."

A "visible face". Really? Is this the only criteria an American courtroom should take into consideration? We should change all of our rules to accomodate and suit your clients needs?

Melanie Elturk, a council staff attorney, said Callahan's actions violate the constitutional right to freedom of religion.

Ahhh, now you've added the religious component. OK, I'll bite.

Leave your agenda at the door. I say you should have to roll up your prayer rug and remove any head gear or skull accoutrements of any kind before entering a courtroom in this country. By the way, I don't see anywhere in this piece exactly what this lady was charged with. Maybe its not pertinent to the story, but I am curious.

One thing we should all be able to agree on is that sometimes even Men Without Hats should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

What Obama is reading

We know what he reads at the office...

What about vacation reading?

Obama's (published) Reading List for Martha's Vineyard

--Tom Friedman's "Hot, Flat and Crowded"

--David McCullough's "John Adams"

--Richard Price's "Lush Life"

--Kent Haruf's "Plain Song"

--George Pelecanos's "The Way Home"

I don't buy it. This is the list that he thinks "sounds good" for him to be reading. What is the title of the book he actually carries to the beach?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Obama 2009 Vacation #42

Whew! Time for a First Family vacation at a 28-acre, $50,000 a week, Martha’s Vineyard "farm". Add in a months lease, coupled with the Secret Service and their White House staff accomodations, the total tab on this little trip is estimated to be over $400,000 (not including any shaved ice treats for the girls).

Hey, EVERYBODY needs a vacation, and the Obamas haven't gotten away from it all IN OVER A WEEK! That was over $2 Trillion ago! Obama has to be exhausted.

You have to go all the way back to Friday, August 14 of this month when the Obamas flew out to Bozeman, Montana for a day at the Sun Ranch. Then it was off to Wyoming and a visit to Yellowstone National Park last Saturday, where the Obamas caused their own version of a bear jam of gawkers. Their Lib Jam gridlocked the area around the Old Faithful geyser for hours. Then it was off to Grand Junction, Colorado, followed the next day to the Grand Canyon in Arizona and finally Phoenix.

It has been nothing but work, work, work for the Obamas ever since. Obama never really loosened up in "flyover country", what with all the moose, hicks and country music. The Blue Heron Farm is more his speed, a secluded estate with tennis court, pool, golf tee and basketball court. I hope he gets his rest. It might be days before our president is allowed some free time again.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


THIS FALL... From Chattering Teeth Pictures:

The most ambitious 3D film ever released, with its $7.108 trillion $9 trillion budget! It will blow you (and your valuables) away! The technological leap involves the use of windmill powered stereoscopic cameras with large rose tinted lenses. Cinema-goers will need to pick up a pair of polarising glasses (with the red side cut out), but unlike all prior 3D movies, viewers should also drink the Kool Aid offered to avoid headaches and nausea.

So what is the storyline?
It focuses on Barack Hussein Obama, a former community organizer who is confined to a teleprompter on Earth. He is selected to take part in the Democrat Hopeandchange Avatar program - where his mind will control the young and old and the otherwise uneducated populace to vote him in as president. Obama considers these humanoid beings to be primitive, but when he starts to savagely claim the private sector as his own, he realizes what a grave misjudgment he has made.

H/T to James Cameron's AVATAR
Drudge Report headlines this morning... "President leaves Washington for summer vacation"... "10 YEAR DEFICIT TO $9 TRILLION"

Golfing with Tiger Woods is apparently a $2 Trillion dollar vacation? Nice late Friday night dump Obama!

Obama: "you Americans... not that it's any big deal or anything and I almost hate to bring this up, but our earlier economic forecasts were a bit too rosey. Instead of the earlier budget figure of $7.108 trillion representing several generations of servitude, crippling taxation, rampant hyper-inflation, and a devalued dollar overtaken by the peso - we now have a new estimate of $9 trillion which can't hurt much more, can it? While we are at it, let's throw in a few more $trillion on top of this for healthcare. It's not like the entire house of cards will collapse. No sense in getting all wee weed up, am I right?"

I think it's obvious to all except the most dim-witted that this community organizer in the White House is completely inept and his foreign and domestic policies downright dangerous. Hey, I'm as compassionate as the next Scot, so I say we fly Obama out on the next flight to Libya, cancel the so-called unspent "stimulus" money, and throw the government back out of the private sector.

Hey DaBwade, on what pwanet do you thpend mothst of your time?

It's called Earth, Barney, and Frankly you and the rest of your ilk will feel it's full gravity at the polls before this is over. It sure the F%^$ isn't Planet Washington or Planet Hollywood, or whatever planet you leftists spend your time on.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

This eagle tastes like chicken!

I normally don't post anything from my email box because I figure I'm usually the last one to see it. That said, I just loved the Amazing Patriotic Artist email I just received. Have you ever wanted a stuffed Bald Eagle on your fireplace mantle or coffee table, but after your last parole from prison swore you'd never go back there? Well, the Amazing Patriotic Artist dude has the solution for you...

Per email:
"This guy creates Bald Eagles out of feathers from other birds! Turkey, geese and ordinary chicken feathers are all he uses!"

Here he is at work... just add music.

Amazing! I love creative stuff like that. His name is Jim Day, but I could have swore he was that Jamie Hyneman guy from MYTHBUSTERS fame. I hope Jim and Jamie are not one in the same because these works are too good to blow up.

Check out more stuffed creatures at his website,

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wednesday deviations

NAVY vs. Notre Dame, Saturday, November 7, 2009
Hooray! Pictured is an actual scan of one of the four tickets to this football game that recently arrived in my mailbox. I can't wait! There is one for Mr. & Mrs. DaBlade, as well as one each for my highschool freshman and senior. Number One son will be there too, but he will be somewhere in the rowdy student section, possibly wearing a Keenan kilt while helping to lift a nearby female student into the air so that she can do her mandatory airlift pushups - one for each of the ND points on the scoreboard. Hey, my boys are all about helping their fellow man (or woman).

As you can see, I've blotted out my section and seat number as I really don't need Chattering Teeth blog fans hounding me all game for an autograph. We should be easy to spot, however, as we might be the only group in the Notre Dame family cheering section with a high school senior sporting Navy attire and applauding raucously for them other guys. The lad is bound and determined to get into the Naval Academy. Admission to the Naval Academy is a tall order and very competitive. He has the physique, grades, and most importantly the character that we are praying will allow him to realize his dream.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Obama MindFreak

Hurricane Bill. Why so informal? Shouldn't it be Hurricane William? Then again, Hurricane "anything" sounds too ominous. I think we ought to put the first name in front... like this:

Bill the Hurricane.

There, isn't that better? Not so scary now, huh? Kinda makes the storm seem friendly, like Thomas The Train.

Hey kids, come outside to see our good friend Bill the Hurricane! Go ahead. Pet him!

Bill the Hurricane became a Category 2 storm Monday, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that man-made global warming exists, and that single-payer healthcare is our only hope to save the polar bears.

The question is, Will Bill or won't Bill threaten the east coast of the United States? I can answer that question. But first, let's go back about nine months in time.

The 2008 Hurricane season was considered a very active hurricane season, due in large part to Texas oilman George W. Bush and President Cheney no doubt. There were 16 named storms, 8 becoming full-blown hurricanes with 5 strengthening into major hurricanes.

Sure, we all know that "there are still trailers in Katrina "(5:40 mark, if you must fast forward for proof).

However, Bush didn't get enough of the blame for the first 15 storms and Obama didn't get any credit for weakening and turning away the final storm of 2008, Hurricane Paloma (Paly the Hurricane if you prefer). This, a MERE THREE DAYS after becoming the president-elect! After that, no more storms. Coincidence? Fox News and talk radio would have you think so.

Well I covered it mister!

So the question remains: Will Bill or won't Bill?
As far as I know, not even Criss Angel the MindFreak can turn a hurricane, as demonstrated by The One.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Socialist Tectonics

You see kids, the Grand Canyon was formed by erosion over time. This large wasteland of a hole was carved inch by inch over the millennia. Think of the Colorado River as the knife of liberal incrementalism, slicing through the bedrock that symbolizes the principles of freedom and liberty that founded this country. Silly Capitalists... Single payer healthcare may be dead for a minute... But we have time on our side.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Obama the green thumb

Obama: I've only got time for a couple more questions. Somebody here who has a concern about healthcare that has not been raised, or is skeptical and suspicious... 'cuz I don't want people thinkin' I just got a bunch of plants in here.

Obama: C'mon now! Don't be shy. Forget about that little thing I said earlier about not wanting you Americans to "do a lot of talkin'," or that I would, "hit back twice as hard". Let's hear from a skeptic...

Meanwhile, even the protestors outside are suspected plants...

Oh my!:
On Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs acknowledged that many audience members were friendly to Obama's message... "I'm sensing your disappointment that he didn't get yelled at."
At least there is an admission that he stacked the audience with those still eating up his "Miracle grow" rhetoric.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Shocking new video of town hall healthcare meeting erupting in anger

"The time has come to act, and act fast."

Frontier women: I feel light-headed... I think Gabby Johnson winked at me! *faint*

Yes, I know Gabby plays into the stereotype hickseed conservative that is laid down by the left. I was flipping channels last night and came across this scene from Blazing Saddles and it cracked me up. Fact is, Gabby makes more sense here than does our illustrious and eloquent president. Usually. Except here... A teleprompterless Obama stumbles into the truth when he said, "It's the post office that's always having problems..."

Game, set, match.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Willy's Wonka and Hillary's Textile Factory

Pictured below: Hillary Clinton (former President Bill Clinton's wife) is questioned by Congolese students.

"...What does Mister Clinton think through the mouth of Mrs. Clinton?"

Meanwhile, Wild Bill Clinton is celebrating his August 19th 63rd birthday a little early in Las Vegas while the ball-and-chain channels him from the Congo.
Mr. Clinton is in Las Vegas on Monday as one of the marquee speakers at the National Clean Energy Summit, put together by Harry Reid of Nevada, the Senate majority leader. The event has drawn a pretty impressive turn-out, from former Vice President Al Gore to the wealthy oilman T. Boone Pickens.

But it became clear that something else was afoot in this sweltering desert city when some of Mr. Clinton’s friends – the kind who would appear not to have a particular interest or expertise in the kind of summit Mr. Reid has arranged – were spotted on the Vegas strip.

Harry Reid, T. Boone Pickens and Al Gore in a room full of global warming greenie weenies? Sounds like a party to me. Zzzzzzz *snore* I can almost hear Clinton whisper something like, "let's blow this taco stand and have some real fun boys!"

Those on Bill's short list:
* Terry "The Punk" McAuliffe, former leader of the Democratic National Committee
* Paul Begala, senior adviser from 1992 presidential campaign
* John D. Podesta, former White House chief of staff
* Haim Saban, a friend, Hollywood executive and donor
* Steve Bing, Hollywood media mogul
* Jay Carson, a former communications director

What about Algore?

"One of Mr. Clinton’s friends said they were told that Mr. Gore was leaving town after today’s summit and would not be able to attend the night’s festivities."

Suuuure. You just know he begged his former boss if he could tag along. Wild Bill was probably thinking how tough it would be even for him to find willing hookers for the above crowd and just knew that Algore would be the straw that broke Lewinsky's back.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Chatteringteeth Pictures Presents: A NIGHTMARE AFTER OBAMACARE

Sarah Palin says: "The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care..."

Burgess Meredith was something like 53 years old when this Twilight Zone episode aired in 1961. Sarah's quote above obviously reminded me of this one...

Rightwing propoganda and demagoguery! You say "death panel", and Obama says "end-of-life counseling sessions".

You like potato and I like potahto
You like tomato and I like tomahto
Potato, potahto,
Tomato, tomahto.
Let's call the whole Obamacare thingy off!

Chancellor: You are obsolete, Trig Palin.

Trig: A lie! No child is obsolete.

Chancellor: You're a bug, Trig Palin! A crawling insect. An ugly, misinformed little creature who has no purpose here, no meaning.

Trig: I am a human being!

Chancellor: You have Down's syndrome , Trig Palin! What possible benefit are you to the State, Trig Palin? You are obsolete!

Trig: I don't care. I tell you I don't care. I'm a human being. I exist! And if I speak one thought aloud, that thought lives! Even after I'm shoveled into my grave.

This ran in my church bulletin this week...
by Professor Jerome Lejeune
"Many years ago, my father was a Jewish physician in Braunau, Austria. On one particular day, two babies had been delivered by one of his colleagues. One was a fine healthy boy with a strong cry. His parents were extremely proud and happy. The other was a little girl, but her parents were extremely sad, for she was a Mongoloid (Down Syndrome)baby. I followed them both for almost 50 years. The girl grew up, living at home, and was finally destined to be the one who nursed her mother through a very long and lingering illness after a stroke. I do not remember her name. I do, however, remember the boy's name. He died in a bunker in Berlin.
His name was Adolf Hitler."

Obamacare, I find you obsolete.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Yes, Virginia, Obama is Wrong

I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no First Amendment right of free speech anymore. Papa says, 'If you criticize The One and his socialist single-payer system, you will be flagged as "fishy" and reported to a snitch site. Please tell me the truth; is this still America?


I don't want the folks who created the mess to do a lot of talking. I want them to get out of the way so we can clean up the mess. I don't mind cleaning up after them, but don't do a lot of talking."

Am I wrong Virginia?

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong and they are currently being held and questioned by my new secret Civilian Security Force. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical Fox News and right wing. They do not believe what I say except what they see in the actual healthcare bill. They think that nothing like global warming can be which is not comprehensible by actual science. All minds besides mine, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little compared to my awesometudiness. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with my boundless glory.

Yes we can, VIRGINIA, this is still America, but it is now me. I exists as certainly as my love for power and control disguised as generosity exist, and you know my eloquent rhetorical flourish eminating from my teleprompter gives your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Lord and President, Barrack Hussein Obama. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. As if all the VIRGINIAS were secretly gathered up from their little beds in the dead of night and taken to a bad place for little girls who "do a lot of talking". Am I wrong Virginia?

Not believe in Obamacare! You might as well not believe in fairies Barney Frank! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys to catch my hired union thugs, but they will not see them coming down, so what would that prove? Nobody has actually read the entire healthcare bill, but that is no reason to question my benevolence. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Would you like to see fairies dancing on your lawn? Of course not, but if I get hit, I will punch back twice as hard, Virginia. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in my $Trillion dollar deficits.

You may tear apart my teleprompter and see what makes the words inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all who are protesting in Town Halls across this nation could tear apart. Only blind faith, fancy rhetoric, Reverend Jeremiah Wright's poetry, love of power, can push aside that curtain and view and picture my supernatural beauty and glory beyond. Am I real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else more real and abiding.

No Lord and savior, Barrack Hussein Obama! Thank Marx! I live, and my presidency will live past the current two-term limit and forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, my policies will continue to make miserable the heart of capitalist free-market dissenters.

Am I wrong Virginia?

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Sonia Sotomayor sells sea shells by the seashore, and other tongue twisters

Reading the news these days can be too frustrating without some kind of distraction to take the edges off of this obamanation we find ourselves in. For some, the distraction may come in the form of soft background music from Pandora. For others it may mean putting bologna slices into their slippers. For me, it's hard rock on Pandora, olive-loaf slices in the slippers, and associating a tongue twister with every news story that irritates me.

As Navin Johnson always likes to say, "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit."

HERE, the president promises to jam it in and break it off...
Obama: "I think at some point, sometime in September, we're just going to have to make an assessment... I promise you, we will pass reform by the end of this year because the American people need it... We're going to have to make it happen."

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

Sonia Sotomayor to become the Supreme Court's first Empathetic Hispanic justice with the Senate's vote today.

Who washed Washington's white woolen underwear
when Washington's washer woman went west?

How about this one every time White House Press secretary, Robert Gibbs, is at the podium...

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
'cause the pheasant plucker's running late.

Or this whole "cash for clunkers" thingy - Save the planet by trading in your gas-guzzler for a new, higher-mileage model! The Earth has a fever, according to algore, so why not take advantage of that $4,500 rebate for the hundred dollar pickup truck and get yourself one of these top-selling vehicles on the list - Toyota Corolla, Ford Focus, Honda Civic, Toyota Prius and Toyota Camry. Something tells me this program has been TOO successful!

Sarah sitting in her Chevrolet,
All she does is sits and shifts,
All she does is sits and shifts.

I hope the tongue twister strategy works for you at least a little. Hey, we have to help each other, right? So the next time you think of the three stooges of government in Obama, Biden and Geithner, just remember this...

(say it fast)
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Proof dogs are smarter than humans

Opie is extremely picky about who he takes his treats from.

h/t: MSgtEd

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Standish to become Gitmo North? Yes, if Obama has his way. free online photo editor, fun photo effects free online photo editor

"A sad chapter in American history..."
"A misguided experiment...."
(Obama, not Gitmo)

Standish uneasy about Guantanamo relocation plan:
Standish -- This small community on Saginaw Bay desperately needs a white knight to save nearly 300 jobs that will be lost under the planned shutdown of the local state prison.

But suspected terrorists aren't necessarily what many had in mind.

The White House this weekend floated the possibility of sending 229 suspected al-Qaida, Taliban and foreign fighters imprisoned at the U.S. Guantanamo Bay detention facility to the Standish Maximum Correctional Facility or to Kansas.
"...or to Kansas." Uh oh ToTo!

What could possibly go wrong with this great plan? It would allow Obama to keep his campaign pledge of closing Club Gitmo, it would provide a distraction from the focus on the horrible truths of his healthcare plan, while at the same time creating 300 prison jobs! Saginaw Bay isn't more than a mortar shell away, where the islamo-fascists could enjoy a little R&R with occasional junkets to the sun, surf and sand.

Apparently, some in Standish are a little standoff-ish with this plan. I may have a solution.

My hometown of Flint has been in the news recently for the "shrinking cities" proposal whereby nearly vacant neighborhoods would be razed to downsize the footprint requiring services. The libs even tried to blame Rush Limbaugh for wanting to "bulldoze the city". You might say that the loss of 70,000+ GM jobs since our heyday has left a few homes unoccupied. Well I say turn those bulldozer clunkers in for cash, Flint! Don't level a single house when they could be used as dorms for these Guantanamo expatriots.

It's not like the streets could get any more dangerous, and these terrorists would be providing the necessary fuel for Flint's new Biogas plant that converts human waste into fuel. What synergy! Just think of these guys like you do the prestine waters of the Colorado River that fuels the Hoover dam.

Rep. Pete Hoekstra, ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, doesn't like the idea. His response in an issued statement says in part that "the Gitmo facility was built for a specific type of prisoner with unique challenges. They are some of the most dangerous people in the world who pose a major threat to U.S. national security."

Hoekstra: "We need to preserve jobs in Michigan, but turning our state into a terrorist penal colony is not how to attract new families and business investment."

Hey, nobody said anything about a nude beach Mr. Hoekstra! That's just more of that rightwing propaganda!

Possibly the most asinine quote is towards the end of the article:

"Standish residents realize that importing convicts -- from anywhere -- may be a stop-gap measure. But it could buy some time to develop alternatives, such as ramped up tourism."

Nothing says "Wally World" to me like barbed wire and bearded terrorists.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Back taxes

Dear blog,
I woke up a little late this morning so I don't have time for you today. My private doctor forgot to take me off the propofol drip he administers to me for my insomnia. The "Milk of amnesia" drip has the side benefit of helping me forget my Libmares.

None of the above is true, blog, except for the part about waking up late. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I did not throw my back out brushing my teeth like I did a month or so ago. The bad news is that I threw my back out. It's not that bad really, it only hurts when I move. I finally had a weekend to putz around the yard with a small chainsaw and long-handled axe. Don't worry, no woodland creatures were the target of my wrath. I did manage to disembowel a few of the smaller tree stumps that I had been forced to mow around.

Did I mention that my back hurts? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the violent axe swings and body contortions while weilding the nightmare on 3rd street chainsaw. See, this is exactly why I don't exercise on a regular basis. Occasional violent physical abuses to my body wrapped between months of sedentary couch-potato sitting, pencil-pushing easy living. Works for me.

Just have to remind myself to bend at the knees while brushing.


Sunday, August 2, 2009


This just in from Planet Green - Enter the Eco T-Shirt Design Challenge, with the winning design ending up on Hessnatur’s Grameen tees and worn by godless, spineless, sushi-eating, America-blaming, terrorist-coddling, Hollywood-humping, liberal defeatocrats worldwide!

What's an "Eco T" you ask? It's low-impact undergarment of sustainable clothing made with organic fabrics. Please don't hate me when I tell you that I'm still wearing conventional cotton-based tees.

Hey, don't look at my blog in that tone! I'm as "green" and environmentally conscious as the next guy. I try to wear my underwear and wife-beater T-shirt for a month or so before soaking them in one-third of a pound of pesticides and fertilizers and around 700 gallons of water with each washing.

Listen, before you judge me as some clean-air hating rightwing extremist for not wearing organic and sustainable clothing, you should know that I do wear electric socks on those cold winter baby seal hunts with my clubbing buds. No global-warming-causing, environment-hating internal combustion powered woolies for me!

Hmmmm... So maybe there is something to this organic stuff afterall. I just wish I could share my newfound love of clean air and clean water by flying around to countries all over the world for speaking engagements on my private jet.

Alas, I don't have a private jet. I guess the next best thing for me to get my message out would be to win this T-shirt contest. How hard could it be, if this is any kind of example?

How about something like...
The environmental impact of paper ballots and fossil fuel guzzling electronic touch screens are not worth it!

I kinda like this one...