Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm Cuckoo for Nutro Max!

Meet Archie, a previously pampered miniature schnauzer who is feeling the pinch from the recession. According to this story on booming pet-food sales, there hasn't been any canine culinary cut-backs in Archie's home. His owner's might be unemployed and subsequently buried in credit-card debt, on the verge of a home foreclosure and down to eating macaroni and cheese, but Archie is still getting his customary three squares a day.

"...retail sales of pet food are up 4.5 percent in 2009 at about $18 billion. Future pet-food sales are projected to top $21 billion by 2013."

So how is poor Archie feeling the pinch, you ask? He has had to wait a little longer between clippings. His pathetic and neglectful owners have admitted under questioning that they have even skipped the usual Archie treat here and there. HORRORS!

I am concerned for Archie and the stress this poor pooch must be under. Stress is a killer, and there certainly is plenty of things for Archie to be stressed about!

Obama's stimulus spending spree is in the process of causing economic collapse while war rages in Afghanistan. General McChrystal has made an emergency request for more troops, but Obama chooses instead to travel to Copenhagen and pimp for a 2016 Chicago Olympics. Our weak-kneed American president is inviting future conflict all over the globe, as more and more Americans are losing their jobs, their homes, and their futures because of his policies.

But Archie doesn't have a clue or a care in the world about all that. No, Archie is in danger from stress-related health issues every day he has to wonder why he isn't getting a steady stream of "foofy" toys and tasty treats. Suffer the poochies! For the love and praise of Barack, I ask you - Is this still Amerika?

So in conclusion, human discretionary income down; pet-food sales up. I admit to being a guilty party to this equation. My lab Ally is well fed.

On an unrelated subject, did you know that Nutro Max dog food are chock full of Glucosamine and Chondroitin? I don't know what those thingys are, but maybe they add to the Cocoa Puffs flavoring.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Michelle Obama or The Incredible Hulk?

The First Lady sits down for an interview with Prevention magazine and her message to women is:Do what makes you happy
First lady Michelle Obama says women should do what makes them happy, a lesson she says she learned after realizing her two children, her husband and her physical health feed off of her good moods.
Sounds to me like Michelle is moody and has a temper.

For the first time in my adult life, I'm in a good mood.

OK, she didn't really say it like that, but trust me - that seems to be the gyst. For some reason I am reminded of the Incredible Hulk. For those individuals unfamiliar with the show/movie, here is a plot recap:

Dr. Bruce Banner, thanks to a gamma ray experiment gone wrong, transforms into a giant green-skinned hulk whenever his pulse rate gets too high.

When Michelle Obama's pulse quickens, her toned arms come bursting from her sleeveless gown, and her scowls chase her husband off to chain-smoke on the patio to avoid her ire.

It's time to play "Who said it", Michelle Obama or The Incredible Hulk?

"You're making me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"My husband is happier when I'm happy."

"My happiness is measured against theirs. When they're in a good place, I feel really good."

"Even now I can feel it, buried somewhere deep inside, watching me, waiting... But you know what scares me the most? When I can't fight it anymore, when it takes over, when I totally lose control... I like it."

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Ibuprofen Golf Invitational Classic

DaBlade and the Chattering Teeth staff (comprised characters from my multiple personality disorders) return after a weekend of golf at and around the beautiful Otsego Club and Resort in northern Michigan. Friday was spent chasing the white dimpled-ball around Wilderness Valley and Black Forest. Saturday morning, after everyone popped their favorite brand of Ibuprofin (hey, we're getting old) it was 18 holes at the Gaylord Country Club.

Outing organizer and older brother Snapper wisely traded in the traditional Saturday afternoon round of torture golf for pizza, college football and favorite brands of liquid pain relievers at the Logmark Bar and Grant Grille.

That's an inside joke, but hopefully the contingent of 20-something youngerlings in the group now understand that if you (hypothetically speaking) hurl over the balcony after a tequilla shot, you will be named after that act and brutally teased until someone else takes your title and your place at the balcony... Up Chuck and Ralph held the title the longest so far.

Sunday morning found us teeing off on the Tribute. After the round, we gathered a final time to distribute the prize monies in the clubhouse cabana. Playing the legendary "19th hole", we watched in shock and awe as the Detroit Lions beat up on the Washington Redskins and ended the second-longest losing streak in NFL history at 19 games.

Hmmmm. 19:
Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president. Thomas Jefferson, the third president, and 16 and three make 19 again. What is so deep about this number 19? Why are we standing on the Capitol steps today? That number 19 -- when you have a nine you have a womb that is pregnant. And when you have a one standing by the nine, it means that there's something secret that has to be unfolded.

Much like when I sequester myself to the kitchen pantry/panic room for the weekend, I have no clue what is going on in the world of politics.

So in conclusion, I spent my Sunday in much the same fashion and state of mind as Obama.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

United Nations Three Stooges - BO, MOE, and A'Jad

UN lineup: First came Lib leader BO, president of the world, followed by Libyan leader Moe Khadaffy. Mahmood Ahkmadeenadude followed much later due to Khadaffy's speech going into triple triple overtime. My scorecard showed that Obama was only slightly more anti-semitic in his remarks than Ahkmadeenadude, who by comparison was clear and concise in his desire to see Israel wiped off the map.

Khadaffy looked splendid in his rust-colored toga with an Africa-shaped broach pin, and accenting his ensemble with a black beret over his wild doo that resembled large rodents trying desperately to escape. He would look equally at home at the UN podium or twirling his favorite female bodyguard on Dancing With The Stars. During his remarks, he reopened the JFK and Martin Luther King assassinations, absolved the Taliban from responsibility for 9/11, and claimed paternity of Rielle Hunte's love child. I believe this is what caused the Canadian diplomats to walk out.

MOE: "It's just a shame we can't have Obama as president of the United States forever." We've only got a rare moment in time here while Obama, an African, is president of the United States to actually fix the problems of the world because once Obama's gone the American people, the United States, is going to go back to being its ugly self again.

Khadaffy finally left the stage after he ran out of post-it notes from inside his robe and had ingested all of the crumpled pages from his yellowed legal pad.

Next up was the Iranian president. Ahkmadeenadude wasted no time launching a verbal assault against Israel. He was about 15 minutes into his remarks when Khadaffy appeared from offstage and pushed Mahmood aside, apologizing, but stating that he would be remise if he forgot to state that Beyonce had the greatest video of all time.

Then again, I may have mixed a few things up cuz my pitched tent collapsed on me at this point.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Scientific Consensus hurts my Hippopotamus

Report: Bush's America Defending Harsh Interrogation Techniques "Bad" - Obama's Appeasement and Surrender Strategy "Good".

At least that's how I'm reading this "scientific study", which reeks of a conclusion in search of some manufactured supporting evidence. That's how true science is done these days, right? Forget about where the sum of all the evidence leads.

The new Scientific Method seems to be...
1) Hypothesis (Created while sitting cross-legged in the lab while smoking a fatty with the buds)
2) Prove your hypothesis by using hockey stick graphs, while disgarding those fact thingys that might kill your buzz.
3) Communicate through a complicit media that all "progressive thinking" scientists are in consensus on your conclusion.
4) An Al Gore slideshow or Michael Moore movie a bonus for your efforts.


The author of this paper admits he got the idea for this "after reading descriptions of the CIA's Bush-era interrogation methods". Well certainly then, he must have at least interviewed and/or tested those prisoners who have been interrogated by the CIA, right? WRONG.

Their report also doesn't mention this fact that "US officials gained valuable information that saved innocent American lives because Khalid Sheik Mohammed was waterboarded, deprived of sleep, and forced to wear a diaper."

That doesn't support their little theory. We should be more concerned that we might have damaged Khalid's hippocampus (or worse yet, made him to suffer a really bad case of diaper rash).

DISCLAIMER: For the record, not all diaper-wearing, sleep deprived adults should be considered terrorists.

I ain't no rocket surgeon, but if I had to rely on getting information from a prisoner in order to prevent a terrorist attack, I would put my money on tough CIA operatives rather than a group of hippie, white labcoat-wearing "Psychologists for Social Responsibility" and "Psychoanalysis Professors".

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Season 6 premier of House - 3 out of 4 Vicodins

I sat down on the couch last night to watch the 2-hour Season 6 premier of House, with the remote in one hand and a bottle of Vicodin in the other. OK, not really. I was actually popping peanut M&Ms, but it is an addiction nonetheless. I don't know about you, but I was disappointed with the ending.

Not the part at the end where House buried his face into the cake at his goodbye party. That was spectacular, and obviously the act of a crazy man. Anyone who would copy the comedic stylings of Soupy Sales belongs in a psychiatric hospital, and I was sure that Dr. House would get his walking papers revoked at this point. But no...

I was sad to see Dr. House get released from the nut house at the end of the 2-hour premier because I was thinking that the cuckoo's nest was a great setting for two or three seasons at least. I mean, Jack Bauer from 24 has spent more time in various air ducts while bleeding from his thigh than Dr. House spent in therapy.

It would have been great! A brilliant, yet clinically insane doctor/patient of the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital cures and tortures his crazy peers, while constantly popping stolen meds and plotting his escape. As George Costanza would say, "There's a show."

But alas, House will return to the sterile hospital set, surrounded by his team of doctors, who all have mild quirks in comparison to the bipolar Alvie, the super hero Freedom Master, Silent Girl, etc. There will be an endless stream of sick people going to the hospital. House will examine them, torture them, diagnose them, and sometimes cure them.

That is, if House didn't lose his touch. He has always believed the price for his magical medical powers was his drug addiction and his anti-social behavior. Would Van Gogh been as brilliant an artist with both of his ears in tact?

That is a very deep thought for me, and I don't think I am yet ready to learn who I am without my peanut M&Ms.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Panda-monium Monday

I have to grab my motorcade and run down to the market. Nothing says breakfast like organic Tuscan kale in a big ol' bowl with some milk, heavy on the sugar, and I'm all out. In the meantime, this amuses me...

Well, go figure. The brainiacs at the previously linked site took down the panda flutist. Therefore, I've linked to the original bungler in the jungle...

Panda Tull

Old Charlie Obama stole the handle and
The train won't stop going --
No way to slow down.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Woot


Silence is implied assent

Yo-ho-ho! It Be Talk Like a Pirate Day

Avast matees, as yee might imagine from the picture taken betwixt 17 er 18 yearrrs ago, International Talk Like A Pirate Day always be a pretty larrrrge deal around DaBlade's house, even beforrre the scalawags Ol' Chumbucket and Cap'n Slappy declarrred it a holiday in 1995.

Me first mate apearrrs to rrrather be in Davy Jones' Lockerrr than talkin' like a pirate with his fatherrr, but the day has grown on him like barnacles on the hull of me grand ship. Heee beee no landlubber.

If I know me son, there be a few "Damn ye, yellow-bellied sapsuckers" bein' thrown 'round the Keenan dorm room today. "Aye, dat be me boy!"

Go Irrrrrish!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Choose Life (and take Notre Dame over Michigan State)

Obama's Commencement invitation last May caused great controversy, with many questioning The University of Notre Dame's commitment to Catholic doctrine and the sanctity of life. ND's President Fr. John Jenkins has taken some hits for having extended this invitation to the infanticider-in-chief, but only after Obama promised not to flaunt it by wearing a baby skull necklace over his commencement gown. (I'm only guessing here)

In an apparent attempt to heal those wounds, Jenkins sent an e-mail blast out Wednesday announcing the formation of a Task Force on Supporting the "Choice for Life". (have you really resorted to using the left's lexicon Father?)

To prove his commitment to "the choice for life", he promised to join the students in the national March for Life in Washington, D.C. on Jan. 22. I'm guessing his sign might say something like...

NOTRE DAME USUALLY CHOOSES LIFE!

OR...

MOST OF ND STUDENTS ARE NOT UNWANTED TISSUE MASSES

OR...

OUR CAMPUS WALLS 100% CORPSE-FREE

Sorry. I guess I'm still a little bent with Obama's visit and the whole honorary degree thingy. And maybe I'm just a little torqued with the loss to Michigan last week (right Chuck?). My snarkiness is solely directed at Jenkins and not the University of Notre Dame as a whole. I still love Notre Dame, despite it's current leader. I can say the same thing about this country after all. I also continue to be a loyal Jimmy Clausen and Golden Tate fan, though the jury is still out on the warm-and-fuzzies for Charlie.

Why the continuing hostile feelings toward Jenkins? Because he has so far, refused to drop the charges against "the dozens of pro-life protestors arrested last spring for 'crimes' such as saying the rosary and wearing pro-life t-shirts."
"Apparently the irony was lost on Jenkins that while he will be preparing to protest against Roe v. Wade, the actual Roe, Norma McCorvey, will be preparing for her criminal trial for protesting at Notre Dame after she was arrested under orders from Father Jenkins," notes pro-life advocate Tom Brejcha of the Thomas More Society legal group
Speaking of fallen Catholics, pro-choice Catholic and Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius refuses to say whether or not she receives Holy Communion. First of all, you can't be "Pro-Choice" and "Catholic". The two concepts are completely and utterly mutually exclusive. Hypothetically speaking, it would be like a young Kenyan born child desiring to grow up and become the President of the United States.

PICTURED: Sebelius demonstrates the proper way for so-called pro-choice Catholics to approach the Eucharist.
SECRETARY SEBELIUS: Well, the Archbishop in the Kansas City area did not approve of my conduct as a public official and asked that I not present myself for communion.

REPORTER: Do you continue to take communion?

SECRETARY SEBELIUS: I really would prefer not to discuss with you.That's really a personal--thank you.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

bun-in-a-knot Thursday

Sometimes my continuing mission of blogging for self-amusement gets detoured by news stories that get my bun in a knot.

On the foreign policy scene - we have Obama scrapping the missile shield in Europe, shortly after Sarkozy's warning that Iran is still working on a nuclear weapons program. Comb, swirl and bobby-pin.

On the domestic scene - we have bun-in-a-knot overload. On one hand, we have ACORN, which I must admit is a very efficient organization of nuts. Then we have PEANUT (an organization of one nut), a/k/a "president Carter", who has accused Obama's dissenters of being motivated by racism.

As for what motivates Carter, I am reminded of this scene from the movie Annapolis:

Twins: People who live in Arkansas, you know what their favorite state is?
Jake Huard: No.
Twins: Mississippi. Cause Mississippi's the only thing that keeps Arkansas from being the worst state in the whole country.

So in conclusion, Obama is Carter's Mississippi.

For the record, when I say something puts my bun in a knot, it is a figure of speech. I'm obviously a cornrow guy.

and then there was THIS outrage. Gentlemen, strong stomaches a must if you plan to watch the following video. You may want to have a box of tissues handy. This... *lip quivering* is... hard.


I'm sorry, but if my kid did this, I'd be dolling out a resolution of disapproval.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

This Blog Is A Proud Cog in The Right Wing Noise Machine

Joe Wilson, stand up, Joe, let 'em see you. Oh, God love ya, what am I talking about? I tell ya what, you're making everybody else stand up pal, thank you very much. I tell ya what, stand up for JOE!

According to this WaPo story, White House officials are engaged in an internal debate over how hard to hit back at their conservative opponents. I thought they had already settled on "twice as hard"?

"In a world with Fox News and Rush Limbaugh and the Drudge Report and everything else that makes up the right-wing noise machine, nothing is clean and nothing is simple," a senior administration official said. "You don't stomp a story out.

You ride the wave and try to steer it to safe water."


Ride the wave and steer it to safe water? You're gonna need a bigger boat

There is a conservative tsunami coming and the Obama administration and democrat controlled house and senate can feel the cold waters rising around them. Their stimulus joy-riding in the back of Kennedy's lib mobile is coming to a predictable fate.

CRANK UP THE VOLUME on the "right-wing noise machine", guaranteed to drown out Obama and his siren song of lies.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Democrats to scold Wilson today

The Democrats are planning to slap "a resolution of disapproval" on Joe Wilson today, barring a last-minute apology to Congress for yelling "You lie!" during one of Obama's really tall tales.

NOOOO!! NOT A RESOLUTION OF DISAPPROVAL! HAVE THEY NO SOUL!? THE HUMANITY!

I Admit having no idea what that is, but it sure sounds innocuous and says more about Pelosi and company than it does about Wilson, who has already apologized directly to the liar-in-chief. Is there a monetary sanction or fine attached, like my frankitty frank curse jar that I always have to feed quarters when the frankitty president is on my blamitty blam TV? If not, who gives a rat's toxic asset.

a senior House Democratic aide said: “It goes directly to the issue of conduct on the House floor. It was a breach of decorum and it can’t be accepted.” We can not stand for even one peep from our opponents on the other side of the aisle, as it might disrupt the democrat's raucous applause and "standing Os".

I'm pretty sure I know what my response would be if Pelosi and company tried to give me a rebuke.

One thing I've learned from this whole episode is that there is no such thing as an "unprecedented breach of decorum" in my living room since Obama took office.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Attention K-Mart Shoppers. Kanye West inda House!



Also in the news, Sheik Osama calls out Sheik Obama in his latest NetFlix cave release and is almost as hate-filled and anti-American as Michael Moore's latest efforts.

Tape excert...
BIN LADEN: "Yo 'Bama!, I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but I have to agree with that Kanye West gentleman and say that the lovely BeyoncĂ© does have one of the best videos of all time, second only to my cave video series of course. Oh yah, and you are powerless to stop the war in Afghanistan. There. Hope that helps and deflects the blame away from you with your left base constituents. Just keeping it real brother. Is this thing still on...? "

Saturday, September 12, 2009

YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT - More blood of another innocent victim is on the hands of the so-called "pro-choice" crowd

James L. Pouillon (The Sign Guy) protested daily against the horrors of abortion for more than two decades, and for that he had to die.
At least that is what went through the mind of his killer yesterday morning, as he went out in search of settling some scores on a list of three. He started his morning by spraying multiple gunshots from his car and killing Mr. Pouillon as he demonstrated in front of Owosso High School, "because he didn't think kids should have to look at dead babies on their way to school".

There is some typical liberal logic for you.

OBAMA: "I don't know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts, but I think it's fair to say, No. 1, any of us would be pretty angry at the sign guy. No. 2, the sign guy acted stupidly by misrepresenting a woman's right to chose. No. 3, If you get hit (Tiller), we will punch back twice as hard."

OK, so those are pieces of Obama quotes from other equally stupid statements not having anything to do with this story, but you just know this is how he feels about it. If CNN can make shit up, why can't I?

Remember when Scott Roeder shot and killed mass-murdering baby killer (and family practitioner), doctor George Tiller? The left almost unanimously blamed all pro-lifers as somehow contributing to this shooting by not preaching the left's mantra that human babies are nothing more than chattel.

While I certainly have not lost any sleep over the death of late-term baby slaughterer Tiller, I have consistently made the point that it is Roe v Wade that needs to figuratively take multiple bullets and left to die at the side of the road with other previous unjust and immoral "laws".

Sorry for the above graphic metaphor. That is like showing a bloody picture of an aborted baby to a "pro-choicer". They shouldn't be subjected to the results of their belief, right?

Killing the killer, Tiller, (say that three times fast) didn't stop the abomination of abortion. As long as this immoral law remains on the books, you can rest assured that another Godless liberal sociopath will take up Tiller's banner, for attention and/or profit, and continue to vigorously disembowel human children.

May it also be true that James Pouillon's sign and cause be taken up by those of us he has inspired. This cause will live on until the pro-life movement successfully overwhelms the pro-death liberal democrat crowd and results in the overturning of Roe V Wade.

Rest in peace Mr. Pouillon. God Bless you and keep you sir. You've earned your heavenly rest. Let us pick up your sign and take it from here.

Friday, September 11, 2009

My 9/11 Memorial Haiku

Age of innocence
Long before Twin Towers Fall
Charlie Sheen was sane


Grant me some artistic license here, as I'm pretty sure Charlie Sheen has always been clinically insane. However, becoming a grand wizard in the Truther cult has to be a new low. Too bad to, 'cuz I sorta liked that TV series "My Two Dads" or "Two and a Half Bags of Crack" or whatever the Frankitty Frank it was called.

In any case, had Bush not squandered that unity all Americans felt 8 years ago today (by wearing a flack jacket on a flight deck or something, and choosing to defend this country instead of blaming it) I'm sure we would still be holding hands and singing Kumbaya while Obama systematically dismantles the very fabric of what this country was founded on and what has made it great.

Today we are a country of individuals split radically into two distinct camps (or towers if you prefer). Republican, Democrat. Capitalist, socialists. Sane, insane. Moral goals, corrupt goals. and so on. Pat Buchanan says it all in his latest,
Is America coming apart?:
We seem not only to disagree with each other more than ever, but to have come almost to detest one another. Politically, culturally, racially, we seem ever ready to go for each others' throats.

One half of America sees abortion as the annual slaughter of a million unborn. The other half regards the right-to-life movement as tyrannical and sexist.

Proponents of gay marriage see its adversaries as homophobic bigots. Opponents see its champions as seeking to elevate unnatural and immoral relationships to the sacred state of traditional marriage.

The question invites itself. In what sense are we one nation and one people anymore? For what is a nation if not a people of a common ancestry, faith, culture and language, who worship the same God, revere the same heroes, cherish the same history, celebrate the same holidays and share the same music, poetry, art and literature?
Maybe Obama will be the lightning rod that will begin to heal this country by providing a common cause of fighting for his defeat.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Please don't be rude while Obama is politely lying to you!

Anagram of the day:
OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN
scramble up the letters and you get...
A CHARLATAN'S AMBLE HOPE

OBAMA: But know this: I will not waste time with those who have made the calculation that it's better politics to kill this plan than improve it.

ME: Let me just go on record here to say that it's better to kill this plan than to improve it. I understand the repercussions, and assuming his promise above is not another one of his numerous and blatant lies, as of now he will not waste time with me. Somehow I will have to come to terms with this.


I missed Joe Wilson rudely yelling "You lie" in this portion of Obama's speech where Obama was respectfully calling his Republican critics "liars". I think I was rudely talking over him with explicatives directed at the liar filling my TV screen at the time. Thanks to the wonders of technology and Algore's YouTube, I get to pony up additional quarters to the family cuss jar. GOL DARN THE FRANKEN SASAFRASIN FRANKITTY FRANK!!

Al Gore didn't invent the internet, and apparently Barack Obama didn't invent lying (he has simply made it an art form). Here, Professor Williams looks at some other lies worth remembering in "Washington Lies".

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

President Flounder Goes Fishing in Waterloo



What bait will Barry O use in his little health care fishing expedition speech tonight? I guess that just depends on what kind of fish he wants to land. If he uses earthworms on his rhetorical hook by throwing the gauntlet down and not bending on his demand for the public option in the bill, he will catch his limit of bottom-feeding and dim-witted carp (the liberal/socialist democrat base).

Obama is wading out into some cold waters tonight. The dim-witted carp need to scavenge in the sediments for it's sustenance, and the dim-witted carp will not bite the "artificial fly" of compromise. If Obama throws the public option overboard in an attempt to chum the waters and lure the Blue Dog fish, he will lose his smelly carp.

If, on the other hand, he wants to land a majestic and beautiful trout (the right), might I suggest he use a tea bag and use this speech tonight to confess the errors of his ways and to resign the presidency effective immediately.

Yah, right. Talk about a fish story!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Secret Student Locker Search for Fox News contraband planned during Obama's school address

OBAMA: I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year. Every single one of you has something you’re good at. We just need to figure out how your talents can best serve me, your president and leader for the next 30 years or so. If I have my way, by the time all of you graduate, there will not be any corporate jobs or small businesses left to work for, so you will need to find your unique place in my civilian security work force.

Please spend the next five minutes with your forehead pressed against your prayer rugs and nap blankies in quiet contemplation of this.



[Later, after the 5 minute pause...]

OBAMA: You can be anything you want to be when you grow up, as long as it's on my approved list of occupations in the new progressive order. Maybe you don't play football, or are otherwise not physically cut out to weild a baton in front of a polling booth. Maybe your scrawney frame will not allow you to serve me by helping to root out and remove remaining pockets of dissension. Don't worry, I will find a place for you. How does working for ACORN as a community organizer grab ya?

Astronaut Schmatztronaut! How about working for a technology vendor in the White House New Media office, and help with the massive, secret effort to harvest personal information on millions of Americans from social networking websites.

Or you can become a slovenly pseudo-documentary film hack who gets rich by making anti-capitalism propaganda movies.

Or you can shine shoes...
Pictured: Van Jones may have gotten the White House boot from his old job as the so-called Green Czar, but he quite literally is getting the boots in his new job as Obama's shoe shiner. “I love Obama . . . I’d pay money just to shine the brother’s shoes,” The Notorious Van Jones said between Obama buffs.

I have two kids in high school. Neither one is staying home today, and neither one will be subjected to Obama's little pep rally. They can go to the library or they can go to the gym. I don't care. It's not that I'm worried about what they would hear. I've read the text of Obama's planned remarks and it appears he has taken out his self-idolatry lesson plans and that what remains is entirely innocuous.

That said, this president just does not deserve the respect, and has not earned the right, to hold my children as a captive audience. I am well aware that previous presidents have given "similar speeches". The difference is, they were not blatant radicals intent on the dismantling of this country's founding principles.

In today's official Chattering Teeth Blog study guide: I am assigning you students to write letters to yourselves on how you “can help DaBlade” defeat Obama's socialist takeover attempt of the United States.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Relax!


The Detroit Tigers enjoy a rare day off after having won their last 6 in a row to take a 7 game lead over the Twinkies. That's just great! What am I supposed to do now?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Walk softly, but carry a big carrot

Thank goodness, Harvard has just published a study that proves socialism works much better than greedy capitalism, and that terrorist prisoners at Gitmo should be fed carrots for information, rather than waterboarded.

OK, so the findings aren't spelled out quite this clearly, but it is Harvard after all, and how else are we to read this? (emphasis mine):

The public goods game is the classic laboratory paradigm for studying collective action problems. Each participant chooses how much to contribute to a common pool that returns benefits to all participants equally. The ideal outcome occurs if everybody contributes the maximum amount, but the self-interested strategy is not to contribute anything. Most previous studies have found punishment to be more effective than reward for maintaining cooperation in public goods games. The typical design of these studies, however, represses future consequences for today’s actions. In an experimental setting, we compare public goods games followed by punishment, reward, or both in the setting of truly repeated games, in which player identities persist from round to round. We show that reward is as effective as punishment for maintaining public cooperation and leads to higher total earnings. Moreover, when both options are available, reward leads to increased contributions and payoff, whereas punishment has no effect on contributions and leads to lower payoff. We conclude that reward outperforms punishment in repeated public goods games and that human cooperation in such repeated settings is best supported by positive interactions with others.

Is it just me, or does the above read: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need"?

Ignore the fact that socialism has been a failed experiment EVERY time it's been tried in the real world. Especially if research conducted by a bunch of bearded and balding liberal intellectuals at Harvard have an epiphany through the blue clouds of marijuanna smoke during some late night study that says otherwise.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Obama's planned Back To School indoctrination speech meeting some resistance

Mister President, what is it exactly that you want to tell our kids in your planned return to school talk?

Blank

Oh, I feel much better now. Into your cult of personality I commend my child's education. I'm sure the day will start with The Pledge and end with a song.



Amid the controversy and furor, Obama is being pressured to drop the public option for his planned Back To School address. A defiant Obama insisted:

"If you like the teacher your child has, then you can keep that teacher. Nobody is going to force your little Johnny or Sally to watch."

"If you like your child's school, you keep it." As long as they meet all the new regulations and lesson plans I favor."

"As an aside, and as a totally unrelated housekeeping NEA funding issue, I would ask all teachers to simply email me their attendance list at bhusseino@fishy.gov for September 8th."


As for the speech titled, "Silly Season - The Audacity of my Detractors" by Barack Hussein Obama, The White House plans to release the speech online Monday so parents can read it.

I don't know about you, but my ALERT level spikes whenever Osama Bin Laden releases a new video from his cave, but nothing beats the pucker factor when Obama plans a speech to our children.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Obama to Call For a Beer Summit II to Save Van Jones?

I have had enough of Glenn Beck and Fox News ripping into Obama's special adviser and Green Czar, Van Jones, trying to make him a "mounting liability" for Obama. How is this self-described communist and anarchist supposed to do his part in destroying the US economy when all of these distractions of his past youthful indiscretions keep popping up. He participates in one little Rodney King riot and now he's labeled? This is still AmeriKa, is it not?

Sure, the guy founded STORM, a group focused on the study of Marxists and Lenin. Van Jones himself adored Chairmen Mao of Communist China, a monster responsible for a paltry 77 million innocent deaths of his own people. You can't blame Van Jones for this, as he formed STORM years ago when he was busting skulls as a Black Panther and doing a lot of blow and smoking a lot of weed.

So maybe Van Jones hates the police.

"Mr. Jones has attacked those that put themselves most at risk and defended a man that was a killer. Mr. Jones was the creator of Copwatch; an organization that sought to antoginize Police Agencies through Racial Grievances and to undermine the Justice System. In the end Mr. Jones went on a crusade to free the murderer of Danny Faulkner; a man who was a father, a son, a husband, and a Police Officer."

Now his name is found on a 2004 9/11 "Truther" list. What's the big deal? This just means Van Jones believes George W. Bush conspired to allow 9/11 to happen as a pretext for war. I have consulted with the experts like Whoopie Goldberg and Rosie O’Donnell on this issue, and let's just say "there are questions". Not that there is any validity to the 9/11 truthers claims. Those are preposterous. Rather, the point is - these people hate George W. Bush, and really, isn't that all that matters?

VAN JONES: "I did not carefully review the language in the petition..." I just thought it was a petition for support to impeach Bush. You can't expect me to read every little thing I sign, just because I'm in charge of $30 Billion of your money, do you?

DaBlade: So what is this "green" crap you go on about? Is it about being for the environment, and having clean water and clean air, unlike the "Republican a$$holes" who like everything all wee wee'd up?

VAN JONES: My goal is to make sure the greenest solutions go to the poorest people. I don't care 'bout "green this, and green that." That's just a vehicle to take the wealth and land it on the hood. Can y'all take it? I'm going to be real with y'all.

Obama calls for an emergency Beer Summit II in response to the Van Jones controversy:

You remember Obama's first "teaching moment" when he had Henry Gates (the Harvard professor) and James Crowley (the police sergeant who controversially arrested Mr. Gates) over for a "cold one" and a little bit of racial healing, right? It worked so well the first time, might as well do it again.

Pictured below (from left to right): Joe The Biden (apparently nodding off after a few sips from his O'Douls), The Notorious Van Jones, convicted cop killer Mumia Abu-Jamal on the TV screen (live from death row), a table tent picture of Officer Danny Faulkner (unable to attend because he was brutally murdered by Mumia in 1981), Crowley again (hey, there's beer!), and Barack Hussein Obama.




OBAMA: I don't know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts, what role race played, but it's clear that officer Danny Faulkner must have acted stupidly in that 1981 traffic stop of Mumia's brother. Now can we just allow Van Jones to get on with his job of being real with y'all by helping me destroy this country please!?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Biden claims his hair plug follicle stimulus is working

JOE THE BIDEN SAYS:
"(The $787 billion) Recovery act dollars are going farther and working harder than we anticipated. Our goal is not just to emerge from the recession. We will. That's not enough. We must emerge stronger than we were before we entered it."


Siphoning off a few $billion for a team of scientists to work 'round the clock on cutting-edge hair growth products is just one example of this.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

PETA wonders if Sarah Palin has anything to do with the Iowa egg hatchery baby chick executions

Not really, but I love this video.

You can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs, and apparently without cracking some unwanted male chick skulls.

An animal rights group is calling on the nation's largest grocery story chains to post warnings on egg cartons that unwanted male chicks are ground up alive, after videotaping the common industry practice at an Iowa egg hatchery.

But isn't it more humane to grind these unwanted tissue masses up into chicken fingers (and knuckles) then to bring them into a world of poverty, where their mother works 24/7 in servitude to "the man", leaving her no time to spend with her little chicksters? What kind of quality of life is this?

Hey, that is the liberal justification for aborting and killing human children in and out of the womb, so forgive me if I snicker at their misplaced indignation. Most of these outraged PETA folks are feminazis first, and I would simply remind them that the chicks going through the "Crush, Mince, Dice, Mill, Puree" cycles are all males.

I would also remind them that Whole Foods does not grind any chicks up at all, so they should all rethink their boycott.

WARNING: The following video depicts poor innocent cartoon chicks being used as tennis balls. It is very hard to watch. Please cover any unaborted children's eyes.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hey Obama! CORK IT!

One of my favorite scenes in the movie The Jerk -

NAVIN JOHNSON (Steve Martin): The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! I'm somebody now! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes somebody! Things are going to start happening to me now.

OBAMA (The One): "The new Rasmussen Report is here, the new Rasmussen Report is here. I'm nobody now!"

30% of the nation's voters Strongly Approve of the way that Barack Obama is performing his role as President. (75% of these folks should have their fork fitted with a cork on the end for their own protection, while the other 25% should not continue to be fed)
41% Strongly Disapprove
29% apparently would not be able to perform the following complex mathematical gymnastics (30 - 41 = -11)
Presidential Approval Index rating: -11

Dick Cheney called it like it was by stating Obama's witch hunt CIA probe was an "outrageous political act that will do great damage, long-term..."

Oh yah!?
Obama is having greater success taking out terrorists than that Bush guy, at least according to Obama's National Security Adviser and Kool Aid stand entreprenuer, Jim Jones. Of course, in the Department of ObamaLand Security, terrorism is defined as rightwing extremism, so I guess Jonesy's assertions depend on your definition of what "is" is, eh? Certainly those citizens participating in the angry town halls last month, or the ongoing Tea Party movement, should all be rounded up and detained for wanting a president who looks like Diane Watson to fail.

JONES: "I haven’t seen any compelling evidence that would argue because somebody was subjected to enhanced techniques that there was a revelation that we wouldn’t have had,” he said, “but it is very hard to prove the negative on this.”

Hey Jonesy, I don't need to see the air I breathe in order to realize it's importance to my health and well being. How about 7 years of the Bush administration keeping us safe after 9/11. As for whether or not waterboarding worked (and I believe there to be plenty of proof that it did), you say "it is very hard to prove the negative". Huh!? How about erring on the side of caution sir. Apparently you have been taking lessons from Obama and this question is "above your pay grade". But I guess that if we don't err on the side of life in the case of legalized infanticide in this once just country, why should we value it's citizenry over terrorists.

By the way, I believe it would be inhumane to force a prisoner to play "24:The Game" on the PS2. I make that statement not ever having played the game, but on the strength of the following video clip I stumbled across. The scene setup is - "Jack Bauer (the player) interrogates a terrorist suspect".

Apparently, you the player have control over Jack's technique when questioning his prisoner by using "Aggressive, Coax or Calm". Somehow I don't believe the real Jack would have had the patience demonstrated by his electronic alter ego toward this pixelized punk. I, however, demonstrated uncanny patience by making it through the entire clip without nodding off. SPOILER WARNING - Of course, the prisoner spills his guts with nary a finger laid on him. As if...