Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween! (now gimmee some candy!)

Recycled pics for your pleasure (and because it's Saturday and I'm lazy)

Now gimmee some candy because I'm Crazy Newspaper Face!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Sting: Pharaoh Obama sent by God because of his Islamic background

Pure genious.

Sting, still rich and Oblivious:
NEW YORK – Sting isn't a religious man, but he says President Barack Obama might be a divine answer to the world's problems. "In many ways, he's sent from God," he joked in an interview, "because the world's a mess."

Seriously - I'm confused. If Sting is not a religious man, does that mean he believes in God, or that while he believes in God, He just doesn't rate worshipping above his own sorry ass? In fact, one could argue then that Obama was sent by Sting?

In any case, I will concede to Sting the fact that Obama was sent by God. I would just humbly remind him that so too were the plagues.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Do "The Harry Carey" healthcare two-step.

It's a new dance called the "Government Option Co-op With An Opt-out"

Reid: "It's like when I was in high school. I wanted to dance, but she wouldn't get up."

Sean Hannity: Can you explain the HarryCare Two Step Boogie?

Step 1: Get sick
Step 2: Die waiting

The Harry Carey
(Sung to the tune of "Hokey Pokey")

You put your wallet in
You take your wallet out
You put your wallet in and you shake the money out
You do the "Government Option healthcare" 'cuz you really can't opt-out
That's what it's all about!

You do the health plan Harry Carey (pronounced "Hari kari")
cuz you really can't opt-out
That's what it's all about!

Harry Reid's next gig will be following Tom Delay's lead and appearing on Dancing With The Stars after his dance card runs out this term.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Halloween Makeover Time

We are all familiar with the traditional spooky halloween imagery. Lightning illuminates an old, shuttered mansion on a hill. There is an untended graveyard on the property with bats overhead and sentinels of twisted and leafless trees protecting moss-covered headstones. You step up to the creaky and rotted wooden porch and the front door opens itself. You part the cobwebs and enter... you know the rest. A sleepless night interupted by ghostly manifestations, spooky organ music, rocking chairs rocking back and forth by themselves, and if you're lucky - a visit from a famous monster or two! Heeey Abbottt!


Ray Parker sang "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" in Ghostbusters, and comedian Kevin Pollak (imitating Christopher Walken) said "Frankenstein never scared me", (4:00-4:15) and that got me to thinkin'...

Halloween needs a makeover.

What used to scare me prior to the socialists taking over the government no longer frightens me. Take, for example, the traditional haunted house described above. That scared me in my youth, but now I'm much more frightened of spending a night in the house on the right...

It's time to play: What Scares You More?

According to wiki, a Poltergeist is "recurrent spontaneous psychokinesis (RSPK) denotes an ostensibly paranormal phenomenon attributed to an an invisible spirit or ghost that manifests itself by moving and influencing objects, generally in a particular location such as a house or room or place within a house."

According to DaBlade, a Pelosi is a pyschotic spirit possessing much more evil intent than a playful Poltergeist by comparison. While the Poltergeist moves objects within the home, Pelosi totally removes them from the victim's possession.

So I ask... What Scares You More?

A ghostly spectre can be described as simply "a ghost", "an apparition", "a bogeyman", etc. This description may also be used for the manifestation on the right.

So I ask... What Scares You More?

A "Cemetery" or "Senator Kerry"? One calls to mind a corpse that no longer serves any valuable function here on Earth. The other is a graveyard where people are buried.

So I ask... What Scares You More?

You get the idea? Let's try some more.

So I ask... What Scares You More?

and the one I find the scariest of all...
So I ask... What Scares You More? be continued

Monday, October 26, 2009

Ain't That A Kick In The Head?

Obama visits sailors at the Naval Air Station in Jacksonville, Florida this afternoon in full campaign mode for the next few days in Florida. The troops in harm's way can wait when there are Democratic fundraisers to attend.

OBAMA: I know Dick Cheney thinks I'm dithering on the war and emboldening our enemy by waffling. But what Cheney calls dithering, I call solemn responsibility to entertain the men and women in uniform in the traditions of Bob Hope. Sure the morale is at an all-time low in Afghanistan, but just ask these sailors here in Jacksonville about morale after I lip sync a little Dean Martin for them!

OBAMA: I may not be listening to that General what's-his-name... McCarthy... McCraken, ehhhh Mickey D's fellow, but I am taking requests for the next fake Karaoke song. Load up the teleprompter Joe!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Good news! The 147 passengers on flight 188 will not be charged extra for the additional unscheduled 150 travel miles.

What were the pilots of the Airbus A320 carrying 147 passengers doing at 37,000 feet that was so distracting that it caused them to overshoot its destination by 150 miles? FAA officials are still investigating, but this exclusive photo suggests they hotwired a cockpit monitor and were busy surfing the web.

"We stumbled upon a blog that was so intriguing, we couldn't turn away. It was pure genious!," stated the co-pilot.

As an aside, I've caught cabbies attempting to make similar circuitous routes from the airport to my hotel.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Obama Victory Gardens

The NYTimes recently ran a piece about a Flint urban farmer growing an Obama Victory garden in what they call "the toughest city in America". OK, they don't actually call it an Obama Victory Garden, but that's what this headline suggests: Amid Ruin of Flint, Seeing Hope in a Garden.
On one side of the fertile lot stands an abandoned house, stripped long ago for scrap. On the other side, another abandoned house, windows boarded, structure sagging. And diagonally across the street, two more abandoned houses, including one blackened by a fire maybe a year ago, maybe two.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... and If life gives your neighborhood "10 contiguous lots where a row of houses once stood," become a community garden organizer and grow some turnips or something.

No offense fella. I actually think what you are doing is pretty awesome. That is, assuming you are not one of them entramanureal "profit deal" capitalists, and instead you are spreading the collard greens around.

Any hint of snarkiness or sarcasm on my part (Moi?) is not aimed at the urban farmer here, but at what this once great city has become at the hands of the democrats and the union. These fields of Flint were already in the process of being plowed long before Obama jumped up into the seat of the First Tractor (a/k/a: The Village PTillager). His policies, however, will expedite the arrival of urban farming to a community near you, so sharpen up those green thumbs people.

I am also slightly jealous 'cuz my suburban neighborhood is behind the curve on this. It could be several months before my neighborhood has 10 contiguous abandoned and foreclosed lots to till.

No worries, I just remembered how many plants I used to be able to squeeze into a 10X10 foot plot of land. Granted, this was back in the late 70's when my gardening skills were honed to razor sharp point. My green thumb skillz have somewhat atrophied since.

HEY! I remember my dad took a picture of me on my "spread". Wait here while I look to see if I still have that... AHA! Enjoy!

Notice the rows of leafy lettuce in the middle, surrounded by tomoto plants, carrots and onions. Notice also the knee-high striped tube socks and muscle T-shirt on this young stud. The crops produced in this 10X10 plot of land could feed my family through the winter in the new Obama economy.

My favorite Grandpa John story...
I don't remember exactly when my Grandpa John died, but it couldn't have been too many years after this picture was taken. But I do remember that he was always old while I was growing up. He had shock-white hair, walked very slowly and was hard of hearing (unless my Grandma Ruth was in the kitchen and whispering about him :)

Grandpa John also had hands the size of shovels, and I always knew that he must have been quite a physical speciman in his youth. He had been a farmer all his life, and I remember stories about huge farm lands in South Dakota that were lost in the great dust bowl... Even in my grandparents old age, they had a farm (mostly corn) of several acres... It was HUGE to my brothers and me, and I loved visiting after Sunday church. Grandma let us dig up our own potatos for dinner!

My point is, my grandpa knew what real farming was all about. That's why I will never forget the day he visited my farm plot (pictured above) that same summer. I remember him standing at the edge of this massive tangle of my organic children as I looked into his lined face for some kind of approval. He looked at my garden and then he looked at me, a small smile formed at the corners of his mouth as he simply said, "How do you find time to go to town?"

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Anita Dunn Chewing Cud

I'm not sure if the following was an actual Wrigley Winterfresh sugarfree gum commercial, but watching it compels me to rush to the store and purchase a pack or two:

Here are my suggestions for the next commercial. First, the auditions from my runners-up (DaBlade suggests that you turn your sound down and click them all simultaneously)

And the winning audition is...
White House Communications Director Anita Dunn! (DaBlade suggests that you turn your sound down any time you see Ms. Dunn, or any Obama apologist. Just put the following words in her mouth:

DUNN: "Winterfresh was the gum of choice by my favorite philosophers, Mao Zedong and Mother Teresa!"

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Depending on who you listen to (or what medications you are currently abusing), that's the date the world ends because (A)Planet X will collide with Earth, (B) of hyper-volcanic and earthquake activity (C) Bob Dylan will record a followup Christmas Album, (D) The re-election of Barack Hussein Obama (Mmm mmm mmm).

What's the significance to December 21, 2012, you ask? Well that just happens to be the date when the Mayan calendar ends. If I remember my history, the Mayans were indigenous peoples of South America a long time ago... maybe as much as decades ago. They were good at making clay pots and pyramids, but they sucked at making calendars.

No worries, per this:
According to Rosemary Joyce, a professor of anthropology at UC Berkeley, the Maya never predicted anything. The 2012 date is approximately when the ancient calendar would roll over, like the odometer on a car; it did not mean the end -- merely the start of a new cycle.

December 21, 2012 is also the subject of a Hollywood movie coming out next month. Nothing says "disaster" and "movie" like the name John Cusack. My point is, maybe all this paranoid talk is just some good ol' fashioned viral marketing. I might add that the Mayans also sucked at viral marketing, as evidenced by their societal collapse.

So in conclusion, the Mayan civilization did not have the internet (Algore had yet to invent it) and therefore they did not have access to which accurately predicts the end of days being December 31, 9999, as it inexplicably has no dates beyond this.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Today's blog feature: Bono, Obama and Elvis sing "Mysterious Ways".

NY Times guest columnist Bono, singer for rock group U2, chimed in over the weekend on Obama winning the Nobel. He tries desperately to make the case that Obama was somehow a legitimate nobel laureate (sorry for the oxymoron) because of these 36 words uttered by The Obama during his UN speech last month:

OBAMA: “We will support the Millennium Development Goals, and approach next year’s summit with a global plan to make them a reality. And we will set our sights on the eradication of extreme poverty in our time.”

Now if we could put that quote to some tasty guitar licks from The Edge, I might start tapping my foot.

When I read that quote from Obama, I get all goey and teary-eyed like an Irish folksinger idealist. I can hardly wait for the 2010 MDG summit! Will it be chaired by Obama, Khadafy and Ahkmadeenadude in matching Libyan wrdrobes?

This is just what the impoverished third-world needs! Obama has already demonstrated his ability to end poverty as we know it in this country, right? All that's left is for Obama to cede what remains of our sovereignty to the UN, and the billion or so folks earning less than $1 per day will start making a fair wage of $2 per day! (of course with the rapidly plummeting dollar, the future value of $2 American is about 5 pesos next year, but it is the thought that counts). .

Bono: The Nobel Peace Prize is the rest of the world saying, “Don’t blow it.”

But that’s not just directed at Mr. Obama. It’s directed at all of us. What the president promised was a “global plan,” not an American plan.

Me: Yikes! Me smells another "stimulus".

Bono: In the same week that Mr. Obama won the Nobel, the United States was ranked as the most admired country in the world, leapfrogging from seventh to the top of the Nation Brands Index survey — the biggest jump any country has ever made... Americans are like singers — we just a little bit, kind of like to be loved.

Then stick to singing, Mr. Bono. No offense sir, but I wouldn't want Obama taking advice on economic and foreign policy from Spicolo either. It's freedom and capitalism that has fueled our economic engine and led to so much wealth and humanitarian aid the world over, not Obama's brand of socialist confiscation and redistribution.

In the wise words of an unknown J Geils concert goer heard screaming at Ooover Groover during a lull in "Musta Got Lost", just "SING MAN! SING MAN! SING MAN! SING!"

Then again, his words are so inspiring (right dr hirkimer?:)...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Hopenchange Balloon Hoax

Obama's Hopenchange balloon, which had taken the American people for a ride, has finally crash landed in a field, along with most of his supporter's hopes and dreams.

Obama admits his $Trillion stimulus package and his attempted governmental takeover of the healthcare industry was "all for the show", before he vomited during questioning.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Balloon Boy Family Helium Huffers?

The 6-year-old Balloon Boy alive and well *yawn*.

Now the REAL investigation can begin. I have questions and I want them answered immediately! Namely, why did this kid not have the nads to climb aboard before liftoff? It's obvious that is what the dad had planned. I've never heard of a weather balloon with a passenger cab underneath.

Something's not right with this family. Speculation that this was a hoax is growing after little Falcon told a reporter it was all "for the show". Even if this wasn't a hoax perpetrated with full knowledge of the parents, it is my belief they should still be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for naming their boy "Falcon".

The balloon boy's father is a known storm chaser, which is another way of saying that he can't hold down a job. It is also reported that Mr. and Mrs. Balloon appeared on the television program WifeSwap, which in and of itself doesn't prove they are white trash media hounds.

However, Chattering Teeth News has uncovered the following disturbing audio...

That's right, "Oxygen is a corrosive gas, in the same family as fluorine and chlorine, hydrochloric acid, hydrofluoric acid". I think I know what little Falcon was doing in the attic for these frantic five hours. HUFFING HELIUM!

In totally unrelated news, a baby wearing an inflatable chef's hat is currently soaring over the Colorado Rockies while his concerned master chef father keeps one eye on the television coverage and the other eye on the oven and his twice baked cheese souffle.

More exclusive coverage from the folks over at

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Letting the days go by - let the water hold me down

once in a lifetime

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack

And you may find yourself in another part of the world

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful Wife
And you may ask yourself-well...
how did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Dear Elvis Hair Follicle Fetish Freaks

Good news so listen up!
CHICAGO – The King may be dead, but that doesn't mean it's too late to run your fingers through his hair.

Elvis Presley's hair, at least a clump of hair that Presley may have lost to an Army barber when he went into the service back in 1958, is going on the auction block this Sunday at Leslie Hindman Auctioneers in Chicago.

Just some stream of consciousness thoughts as I look at this picture...

First off, I never knew that Jack kevorkian was an army barber in the 50's. Number two: What is Elvis thinking at this moment as he looks at the hair in his hand, and could he have imagined it would go for thousands of dollars in an auction some 50+ years later? And "C", why did I not have the foresight to save the hair from my mullet and porn 'stache cut in the late 80's!? The value of that lost hair will forever haunt me after I become ridiculously famous.

I am thinking about placing a bid on these locks, not because I'm some huge Elvis fan, but because I believe it might make a good addition in my latest business venture idea - The Cabinet of Celebrity Curiosities Museum, Gift Shop Bar & Grill. I currently just have in my possession a yellowed Gary Coleman toe nail clipping (it's authenticity sworn to by the local pawn shop dealer), but acquiring this clump of E-hair could really influence the tourist's travel destination plans and jump-start my business.

Before I bid however, I need to know if this hair is from the fat Elvis or the skinny Elvis. Was it saved from a haircut or found in the sink? Did he use conditioners or did he suffer from split ends? Not everyone at this auction will think of all these questions that ultimately affect the hair's value, but that is why I'm one or two steps ahead of the rest.

Apparently this auction will be pushing other Elvis memorabilia from sweat-stained scarfs to Elvis Pez dispensers. These items belonged to a now deceased gentleman named Gary Pepper, who was "president of a Presley fan club" yet claimed to have been a close and personal friend of Elvis. I wouldn't even think to question the veracity of these claims, viewing this clump of hair as proof positive of Pepper and Presley being BFF's. It is widely known that Elvis gave out Cadillacs like candy to regular fans, but would Elvis give a clump of floor-sweepings to just anyone?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Granholm's Magic Pen

Michigan Governor, Jennifer Granholm, says "she will use her veto pen to find money to pay for her priorities."

Wow, that's quite a magic pen ol' Jenny is waving. It apparently finds money just like a divining rod finds water! Now I get it! THAT'S why all those people crashed Cobo Arena last Week looking for "Obama money"!

This is great news people! Why was I not told? I would dare say that Granholm's REVENUE GENERATING veto pen is more powerful than any of them wizard wands in those Harry Potter flicks. I also think it is very humble of her to allow Obama to take credit for her cash-generating pen.

"The people of Michigan should be fearful of her veto. That's a way for her to attempt to force tax increases," said Matt Marsden, spokesman for Senate Majority Leader Mike Bishop, R-Rochester.

You party pooper Republicans!

Monday, October 12, 2009


Let's listen in on her remarks...

The Nobel Peace Prize Winner 2010
I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of my mother in excercising her right to choose, yet still allowing me my life. Oh, and thanks for this Noble thingy too.

Let me be clear, I do not view the right to life as a recognition of my own accomplishments. I mean, c'mon! I've been in the womb the last nine months and haven't accomplished a whole lot! Rather, I view my birth as an affirmation of the God-given sanctity of life and the aspirations held by my parents.

To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative babies in this nursery who've been honored by this prize of life. See little Bobby over there in the third crib from the window? He can already projectile vomit all the way to Suzie's place. I haven't done anything yet. Besides, I certainly don't want to disrupt or hurt my mother's career in her selfish pursuit of wealth.

And I know that throughout history that life has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes.

And that is why I will accept this award of life as a call to action, a call for all people to confront the abomination that is abortion, and to fight for the weakest and most defenseless among us.
Newborn Baby

The Nobel Peace Prize winner 1979
...I feel the greatest destroyer of peace today is abortion, because it is a direct war, a direct killing - direct murder by the mother herself. And we read in the Scripture, for God says very clearly: Even if a mother could forget her child - I will not forget you - I have carved you in the palm of my hand. We are carved in the palm of His hand, so close to Him that unborn child has been carved in the hand of God. And that is what strikes me most, the beginning of that sentence, that even if a mother could forget something impossible - but even if she could forget - I will not forget you. And today the greatest means - the greatest destroyer of peace is abortion.
Mother Teresa

The Nobel Peace Prize Winner 2009
“… whether you’re looking at it from a theological perspective or a scientific perspective, answering that question with specificity … is above my pay grade.”
Barack Hussein Obama (Mmm mmm mmm)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Obama to HRC - I will end "Don't ask, don't tell"

President Obama vowed to strike down the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy to a cheering crowd of gay rights supporters.

What Obama actually meant by this was a message to General McChrystal: Don't ask for more troops, and don't speak to the media without my approved script.

While the economy continues collapsing around him (a result of his own policies), and while our brave soldiers continue to make the ultimate sacrifice in Afganistan while they wait for his decision on whether to deploy the necessary 40,000 troops, Obama found time to address a room full of gays and lesbians at the Human Rights Campaign's 13th Annual National Dinner Saturday night. It was a black-tie event, at least for the gals in the crowd of 3,000, as it was more loafers and chiffon for the men.

OK, that was a cheap shot, a "blow below the belt" if you will. It's those types of so-called jokes from homophobes that continues to spread discrimination. As my hairdresser would say, "DaBlade, you're better than that." For the record, I'm no homophobe, I'm just frightened by the gay rights movement replacing common sense and turning upside-down the traditions in this country.

Obama's remarks last night at the HRC dinner came in advance of today's planned National Equality March on Washington. Barney Frank has called this march "a waste of time at best" and just "an emotional release" that does little to pressure Congress. "The only thing they're going to be putting pressure on is the grass," said Frank, not specifying whether the grass pressure would originate from the bottom of their shoes or from other parts of their anatomy. Ewww. Sounds like the Mall may need a special clean-up later.

Obama not only promised to end the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, he also promised expansion of Hate Crimes legislation to include violence based on sexual orientation; and to work hard in the fight for same-sex marriage recognition.

"You will see a time in which we as a nation finally recognize relationships between two men or two women as just as real and admirable as relationships between a man and a woman."

Hey DaBlade, What could possibly be wrong with all this?

First, the military is not some laboratory to conduct social engineering experiments. It is to stand guard against our enemies and to provide for our national defense. I tend to defer to the experts here. If the military says there is an operational reason for the "don't ask" policy, or if there is an actual reason why no females should be allowed to serve on a submarine, why screw with it?

As for hate crimes legislation, this is so typical liberal thought-police type stuff. The murder of Matthew Shepard was tragic and horrible, just like every murder ever committed. It is no more heinous because the motivations of his killer's were twisted. Are there murderers who's motivations are somewhat more pure (abortion doctors notwithstanding)?

As for efforts to redefine marriage, listen up. Marriage was given to us as a gift from God, and He is very clear on what marriage is and is not. That does not make me a bigot against homosexuals. I could no more hate you for your homosexuality than I could if your affliction was with alcoholism. Just don't ask me to prop up an alcoholic's lifestyle as just as "real and admirable".

The fact of the matter is that our president was on the campaign trail last night giving a speech to a voting-bloc partially responsible for his election, and Obama did what he does best... He made more flowery promises of "hope and change" with vague or non-existant actual strategies or timelines to accomplish these.

That's fine by me, as I want him to fail. I just wonder how his song and dance routine played with the audience.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Obama Nobel Peace Prize, and other unexplained conundrums

Congratulations *choke* to Barack Obama, who now joins Jimmy Carter as a Nobel Peace Prize winner (and coincidentally as the worst and second-to-worst president in our nation's history). Or did they say, "Peas Prize"? Obama and Carter, two peas in a pod.

"Obama Nobel Peace Prize" makes as much sense as "A Macabre Bee Nipple Zoo".

That's because each phrase is an anagram of the other. For the uninitiated, that means the two phrases above use exactly the same letters, no more, no less.

"DaBlade, who cares about a bunch of mixed-up letters, and what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?"

A careful study and accurate interpretation of two anagrams can lead to a deeper understanding of the world that is more powerful than any Nostradamus prophesy.

I've said it before folks, "anagram reading can be dangerous in the wrong hands, so do not try this at home. The trick in anagram reading is being able to separate the meaningful words and phrases from the... uhhh... not meaningful word thingys. Being able to separate the wheat from the... the stuff that's not the wheat... Much of it (the output) is gobbledy gook readily identified by those with the gift. I hate to be "unmodest", but I have that gift of word... stuff.

I'm hoping my gift can also help me answer two questions that have been plaguing my mind. First, how in the hell does Obama win the Nobel Peace Prize? Secondly, do bees really have nipples?

To answer the first question, I scribbled the letters in the phrase "Obama Nobel Peace Prize" on a yellowed and tattered legal pad and went to work.

First anagram up: MEN RIP A PEACEABLE BOZO

Using my innate skills, I quickly determined that "peaceable bozo" referred to none other than our president, Barack Hussein Obama. Bozo is obviously a very famous clown, and clowns (like Obama) are known as peace-loving and smiling individuals (except for the occasional clown child-serial killer). The "men rip" portion of the anagram simply states the truism that all men of peace have been ridiculed throughout the ages.

I don't know if Bozo ever bowed deeply from his waist to every Islamist monarch, tyrant, or despot - or if he ever joined a reading club with various third-world thugs, but I do know this... Bozo was not a war-mongering clown who sent 40,000 troops into battle just because some decorated General said it was necessary for victory. No! Nor did Bozo ever deploy a missile defense system in Europe to protect the homeland and our allies. No again! He dug in his very large clown shoes and stuck his bulbous red nose in the air in an act of arrogance and defiance to his war-mongering critics.

What better road to peace than to have all of our weapons refitted with rainbows and silk clown flowers? Obama's rhetorical flourish of appeasement and surrender espoused on every American apology tour he has taken since his corronation have led to an outbreak of world peace! It's also led to a resurgent Soviet Union, a dangerously belligerent and nuclear ambitious Iran, middle east instability by the marganilizing of Israel, and a Rio Olympics in 2012 to name a few, but who's keeping score?

How about this anagram:

An obvious reference to Obama's very successful beer summits. I ask you Fox News-watching rightwing extremists this: Did Ronald Reagan ever have beer keggers on the White House lawn during his two terms in office? The answer is no, and therefore cops continued to act stupidly toward racist black Harvard professors during the '80's.

Other anagrams of the Obama Peace Prize phrase have yet to be decoded, and include:

A Embraceable Ozone Pip (A reference to the upcoming global warming summit where Obama will further tax and trade our future away?)
A Peaceable Zombie Porn (An animated lifeless corpse screwing us... Pelosi?)
A Macabre Oboe Zeppelin (Jimmy Page plays a flute?)
A Imbalance Breeze Poop (Open a window! Someone cut the "Biden"!)

Back to the lab on that whole "do bees have nipples" question...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Donnie and Marcie - I remember them

It's known simply as "The Rock" to those of us who grew up in Flint, Michigan. Located on the corner of 12th street and Hammerberg road, it has served as a sort of impromptu community billboard, broadcasting everything from birthday greetings to congratulations for various achievements. It has been painted countless times over the years, sometimes while the paint was still damp from the previous visitors. It's usually painted at dusk by a group of kids with a ready-made plan for a hurried job in order to avoid getting busted for tagging graffiti. It's all smiles and giggles for those "artists" painting a happy message.

Of course, there are also the memorials, applied with as much tears as paint with each brush stroke. I don't know who was responsible for this paint job done exactly 21 years ago today, but I do want to thank them for it. It may have been painted over thousands of times since then, but the sentiment and the memories will never fade away.

Marcie read the poem below at her sister's funeral in 1976, a sister who was killed by a drunk driver. Marcie met a similar fate 12 years later, killed with my brother Donnie, about two and a half months before their wedding. This would have been their 21st anniversary. This poem is also engraved on Donnie and Marcie's granite headstone.

In the rising of the sun and its going down,
We remember them.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We will remember them.

In the opening buds and in the rebirth of spring,
We remember them.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them.

In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
We remember them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We will remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We will remember them.

When we are lost and are sick of heart,
We remember them.

When we have Joys we yearn to share,
We remember them.

So long as we live, they too shall live,
For they are now a part of us,
As we remember them.

Donnie and Marcie - I remember them, and I miss you brother.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

David Letterman in Pervert of the Opera

I think I see the origins of David Letterman's idea to build a creepy secret room above his studio in order to score chicks. (Watch at the 2 minute mark).

OK, how spooky is this?
Here is the plot summary of The Phantom of the Opera (2004) from IMDb:

Deformed since birth, a bitter man known only as the Phantom lives in the sewers underneath the Paris Opera House. He falls in love with the obscure chorus singer Christine, and privately tutors her while terrorizing the rest of the opera house and demanding Christine be given lead roles. Things get worse when Christine meets back up with her childhood acquaintance Raoul and the two fall in love. The Phantom decides to kidnap her and imprison her with him in his lair. Raoul is now the only one who can stop him.

Now this plot summary of David Letterman's latest pickle:

Gap toothed since shortly after birth, a cynical and arrogant comedian known only as Dave lives in the creepy secret bedroom above his television studio in the cavernous Ed Sullivan Theatre. He falls in lust with a "select few female staffers" willing to comply with his private sexual tutoring, while terrorizing and threatening the employment of unwilling staffers.

Back to the Phantom:
The comparison gets a little cloudy from here, so don't quote me. It's been a while since I've seen it, but I believe Raoul attempts to extort a couple of million bucks from the Phantom, threatening to report his shenanigans to the constable. The Phantom turns the table on his blackmailer by going to the constable himself to confess the whole kidnapping and secret lair thingy. He agrees to wear a wiretap, and now it's Raoul who will be singing Music of the Night in a darkened cell corner to a long-haired and tattooed biker known as "Christine". Meanwhile, the Phantom is drawing bigger crowds than ever for his little song and dance (and occasional homicide) routine at the opera House.

As for Letterman, I have no idea what's going on with that whole mess, as I don't follow that asswipe.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What's purplish in color and all wrinkly, and has to do with wine?

Answer? Not a grape.

Unfortunately, the answer lies in the front row of this picture, 3rd from the left.

Greenpeace is at it again. This past weekend, 700 French "volunteers posed nude in a French vineyard to send a message about climate change". I'm not exactly sure what message they intended to send. Maybe that climate change causes the family raisins to shrivel? Whatever the message, I'm sure it will compel world leaders to attend the U.N.'s Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen in December. I'm also sure this conference will have a positive impact on the Bordeaux and the bordello business.

An open letter from Greenpeace...

Dear Obama,

We're not asking you to take your clothes off in Copenhagen - but we do expect you to be there - to sign a fair, ambitious and binding deal to save the future of our planet. A half-decent climate treaty simply won't do.

Thank you,

Dear Greenpeace,

The president has instructed me to inform you that he refuses to run nude through Copenhagen. One humiliating spanking with his pants down there was quite enough, thank you.

WH Press Sect., Robert Gibbs

Monday, October 5, 2009

A Typical Michael Moore Audience of Morons

Michael Moore is displaying this picture on his front page, apparently of a typical Michael Moore audience.

Wow. Doesn't exactly appear to be a chick flick, does it? Even the one presumably female "mooreon" in the front is surrounded by empty seats on all sides but one, yet her "date" seems more interested in playing patty-cake with his male buddy. (seriously, what are they doing? Comparing movie stubs?). There may be a few more females in this audience, but when you get a group of liberals together, how can you really tell?

I'm confused. By all accounts from every independant source, Michael Moore's latest little narcissistic anti-Capitalist drivel bombed at the weekend box office big time. However, straight from the horse's mouth, it was the "2nd Biggest Weekend Ever".

That kind of reminds me of a press briefing from "Baghdad Bob", The old Iraqi Minister of DisInformation: "There are positively no American troops in Baghdad. Ignore those American tanks in the background. They are holograms projected to confuse our enemies, those capitalist satans! Oh, and Michael Moore is a movie-making genius. Believe that!

In Mikey's memo, he tries to appeal to his fellow "Catholics" and make a case that Jesus was an anti-capitalist Marxist.
Amidst all the Wall Street bad guys and corrupt members of Congress exposed in "Capitalism: A Love Story," I pose a simple question in the movie: "Is capitalism a sin?" I go on to ask, "Would Jesus be a capitalist?" Would he belong to a hedge fund? Would he sell short? Would he approve of a system that has allowed the richest 1% to have more financial wealth than the 95% under them combined?

I have come to believe that there is no getting around the fact that capitalism is opposite everything that Jesus (and Moses and Mohammed and Buddha) taught. All the great religions are clear about one thing: It is evil to take the majority of the pie and leave what's left for everyone to fight over. Jesus said that the rich man would have a very hard time getting into heaven. He told us that we had to be our brother's and sister's keepers and that the riches that did exist were to be divided fairly. He said that if you failed to house the homeless and feed the hungry, you'd have a hard time finding the pin code to the pearly gates.
Way to twist "JC's" message Mikey. The day I start taking religious guidance from the likes of you, it will be a cold day in Obamaland. I'm sure Jesus would be a dope-smoking liberal who would be in favor of the left's systematic murder of babies through abortion, right? What's 50 million souls butchered in the name of liberalism, so that woman will not be "punished" by His creation.

So you like to quote Jesus, eh? Jesus also said that we would always have the poor, but that we wouldn't always have him. Based on the overall success of the so-called war on poverty, you would have to agree that Jesus was right.

He also said to give to Caesar what is Caesar's, but give to God what is God's. Jesus was not making a case here for a governmental confiscatory tax system that punished achievers and spread the wealth around. In fact, this is exactly contrary to His teachings.

The Two Great Commandments that contain the whole law of God are:
You shall love the Lord your God with your whole heart, and with your whole soul, and with your whole mind, and with your whole strength; you shall love your neighbor as yourself.

It is your personal responsibility to love your neighbor, not to cede this responsibility to Caesar.

So Mikey, you ask "Is capitalism a sin?". I'll let one of my favorite brains, Walter Williams, answer that (from 2003):
Capitalism is relatively new in human history. Prior to capitalism, the way people amassed great wealth was by looting, plundering and enslaving their fellow man. Capitalism made it possible to become wealthy by serving your fellow man. Capitalists seek to find what people want and produce and market it as efficiently as possible. Here's a question for us: are people who by their actions create unprecedented convenience, longer life expectancy and more fun available to the ordinary person, and become wealthy in the process, deserving of all the scorn and ridicule heaped upon them by intellectuals and politicians? Are the wealthy obliged to "give something back?" For example, what more do the wealthy discoverers and producers of life-saving antibiotics owe us? They've already saved lives and made us healthier.

Capitalism has done more good for more people than any other system in the history of the world, and it has even allowed a fairly good living for a slovenly hack like yourself Mikey.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The President of the World Stuffed on Olympic Layup Attempt

Sung to the tune of Elvis Presley's - In The Ghetto

As the BO flies
On a cold and gray Chicago mornin'
A poor IOC's decision is born
In the Rio
And Obama cries
'cause if there's one thing that he don't need
it's another Chattering Teeth Blog to read
'Bout the Rio

Obama says the Olympic committee "acted stupidly" in rejecting Chicago and insists they join him for a beer on the White House veranda to reconsider.

OBAMA: "We are still planning to host the 2016 Olympics, aaand I will fly back to Copenhagen (pause) to administer another dose of my rhetorical flourish. When the chips are down, I turn on my teleprompter aaaand speak in a hynoptic cadence (pause) thaaat compels folks to listen and bends them to my will. It has always worked before."

BLADE: Mr. President, what are you going to say to the obviously racist members of the OIC that you haven't already said on the first trip?

OBAMA: Listen, I understand the IOC selected Rio de Janeiro, but I will ask them to change their minds. Nobody is going to force them to change their Olympic venue plan. If they like their original Olympic venue plan, they may keep it. But my Olympic Chicago option will increase competition and the athlete's choice for sports care.

BLADE: What if this pitch doesn't work either?

OBAMA: Everyone knows thaaat Chicago will get the Olympics at some point. If the IOC members want Rahm to save them a good seat, they'll play ball.

BLADE: Mr. President, I don't know why more and more folks consider you an imbecilic and incompetent boob. You are obviously crazy like a fox sir.

Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand.

So in conclusion, here are the aforementioned videos side-by-side for your listening pleasure.
Elvis - In The GhettoDuran Duran - Rio

Friday, October 2, 2009

An Outwardly Neutral Friday

The Detroit Red Wings open the regular season just in the Nick Lidstrom of time in Stockholm Sweden today against the St Louis Blues. Some of you know that I take pride in my Swedish heritage, with my Great-Grandpa Nils immigrating from the motherland in 1881. Many of you may also be aware of my extremely poor sports record when I come out and whoop it up on this blog. Therefore, I will try very hard to stay outwardly neutral.

Which one of these Swedes just doesn't belong?
Q: Henrik Zetterberg, Nicklas Lidstrom, Johan Franzen, Niklas Kronwall, Tomas Holmstrom, Jonathan Ericsson, Andreas Lilja, Daniel Larsson, or Jonas Jerebko?

A: They ALL belong. The first eight Swedes are Red Wings who are currently enjoying some home cooking. Last on the list, Jerebko, is a 6' 10" Swedish basketball player for the Detroit Pistons. Yah! We're taking over this town!

So in conclusion...
I wish good luck to both the Wings and the Blues today and St Louis chokes on the Swedish meatballs.

Oh, and I hope that Michigan and Michigan State embrace in brotherly hugs after a clean and well fought game this Saturday. May the best Wolverines team win. and may the couches burn in outrage on Cherry street

And who could forget The Detroit Tigers and the Minnesota Twins battling for the final division playoff spot, with the Tigers two games up with three to play. Good luck boys. It's too bad both of you can't make it to the post season. DIE TWINKIE SCUM!.

Best of luck to Notre Dame and Washington on the ol' gridiron. GO IRISH! "MICHAEL VICK" THEM HUSKIES LIKE THE DOGS THEY ARE!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

An Oily Nose Thursday

Don't skip the TV ads: You'll miss the plot
LOS ANGELES — In television's latest quest to discourage viewers from skipping ads, actors from NBC and ABC shows are appearing in character in commercials to interact with products in parallel story lines.

This new kind of commercial further blurs the line between program and advertisement and comes as traditional product placements within shows, an early response to fast-forwarding, have become common.
That's just great! If this catches on, I'll never get to "powder my nose"! I always wait to powder my nose during the commercial breaks so I don't miss anything important. If Dr. House starts showing up popping Vicodin in the Cialis Commercials while pushing the plot line along, my nose will just have to wait for powdering. I hope they're happy! If my nose goes over 4 hours without powder, I will need immediate medical attention.

If this works for advertisers, you can bet that Obama will jump into the fray. The guy is in constant campaign mode, jumping from network to network with his teleprompter in tow. It has to irritate him to see the ratings from his numerous propaganda sessions continuously plummet. How long before we see Obama and his socialist agenda product-placed in every TV ad? Then again, the nose would get ample and repeated powderings.

I say keep the shows and the commercials separate! Dr. House shouldn't cross over into the Dr. Pepper ads. Speaking of which, the Diet Dr. Pepper commercial currently running is my favorite! I'd love to see these characters used in a full-length Christmas special!

Sweet chocolate candy marshmellow jelly bean! THAT IS GOOOOD!