Thursday, November 25, 2010

Oh Yah. Bring it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 22, 2010


Going to see the movie "Evictus" tomorrow morning. No, not the movie with a similar name directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Morgan Freeman. This one is showing at the 67th District Court in Davison. Hey, at least the tickets (Summons) were free. The trailers to this slow moving train wreck have been brutal.

I'm just glad they found the time to schedule this the day before Thanksgiving.

Bed - Check
couch - Check
Computer - check
TV - check
Sense of humor - check

Looks like I'm good to go.

Like Morgan Freeman's character in another movie once said, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'". While this is not exactly Sinatra, I will say this about Flint - If I can make it there (again), I'll make it anywhere.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

If I were the pope

White smoke began to billow from the Vatican chimney, a clear sign that the Pope was dead and that the cardinals had elected a new one. Throngs of church progressives and the anti-Catholic press excitedly poured into Saint Peter's Square, gazing anxiously up at the Basilica balcony in hopes of seeing a new pope.

Out onto the balcony I walk (think General Patton, only wearing a tall hat and flowing robe), a burning cigar clenched between my teeth the now obvious source of the clouds of smoke. A hush falls across the assembled masses as they gaze upon my magnificence. Realization sets in and I take the look of shock-and-awe on their faces as my cue to begin.

Sorry to disappoint you jackasses, but it's still me. That's right, Daddy is going to start to take the training wheels off.

So I took the Popemobile down to the gas station to pick up a newspaper this morning, and the big headline of the day seems to be my condom quote to that German journalist who is writing a book. Not surprisingly, my words are being twisted in the press and being given meaning that isn't there, so let me clear up a few things.

It is true that Church teaching opposes the use of condoms as a form of artificial contraception. And yes, I did tell that journalist fella that the use of condoms can be justified in some cases, such as for male prostitutes seeking to prevent the spread of HIV. Here is my quote:
"There may be justified individual cases, for example when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be ... a first bit of responsibility, to re-develop the understanding that not everything is permitted and that one may not do everything one wishes... But it is not the proper way to deal with the horror of HIV infection... In certain cases, where the intention is to reduce the risk of infection, it can nevertheless be a first step on the way to another, more humane sexuality."
Pope Benedict XVI
Sorry haters, but I do not find a conflict here. Your headlines may scream "AIDS campaigners welcome pope's u-turn on condoms" and Australia welcomes papal shift on safe sex, but there seems to be a lot of wishful thinking going on out there.

Let's see if I can break this down for your feeble little minds.
* The church opposes condom use for contraception.
* Male prostitutes are not in danger of getting pregnant nor impregnating their gay Johns.
* Church doctrine also allows room for Howie Mandell to use a condom as a hat.

so while I was not condoning male prostitution, I figure they might as well wear a condom to provide some level of protection while engaged in their sinful behavior. Hell, I would say the same thing to some yahoo who insisted on putting a wet finger into the wall socket. Uhhh, hey bud, ya really shouldn't do that... but if you insist, at least wear a rubber glove.

Don't even think that I've forgotten how displeased many of you were when I was elected back in 2005. Hey, if you recall, I didn't exactly want this gig either. I know many of you have been upset by my being a staunch defender of orthodox Catholic doctrine, and that I have put the brakes on the progressive movements in the church. To that I say, guilty as charged.

Newsflash folks. The Word of God is unyielding, and His Church does not require "modernization". His Book is not a living-breathing document, and there will never be ammendments that excuse homosexuality, same-sex marriage, euthanasia, or abortion. I know I'm supposed to hate the sin but love the sinner, but some of you really make that difficult sometimes.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

DaBlade's Dream Theory and other mishmash, hodgepodge, pungent potpourri and flowery bouquet of blog words

"Eureka!," I thought. "I have single-handedly solved the whole enhanced airport screening controversy by the power of my fertile mind!" I excitedly mused.

Of course, I was in that "half awake / half asleep" stage I always move through toward complete wakefulness and having my first rational and conscious thought of the new day, which always seems to be a variation of the same theme: "MUST... HAVE... COFFEE". That familiar stage where my body shifts from having REMs to having RPMs - Rapid Prostate Movements.

I have solved quite a few work problems and unraveled a fair share of thought knots in this fugue-like state shuffling my my way to the toilet over the years. It's a tricky science, however, as the output from one of these "Eureka!" moments is as likely as not to be gobbledygook.

I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry goes to bed after watching a scary sci-fi flick, only to wake up briefly in the middle of the night to write down what he believes to be a killer joke on a pad by his bed - then giggles himself back to sleep. The following day he is unable to decipher what he wrote.
JERRY: (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit.

(Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second.. "Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke?
Eureka or gobbledygook?
I usually know that answer before my feet are fully swung out over the side of the bed and inserted into my pink and furry bunny slippers because my second thought of the day immediately following the "coffee thought" is either: "OF COURSE! Why didn't I think of this before? It's so simple!" or more frequently: "huh? wtf dude, you have some real issues".

So why do we dream?
(and why are DaBlade's dreams better than mine?)

Full disclosure here, while I do not actually have a degree in psychology and am not a practicing sleep therapist, I have tirelessly studied and have dedicated the better part of my life to sleeping. And while I don't mean to brag, I've also spent the last few minutes google browsing the subject of "dream interpretations". Hey, until you've worn my spandex unitard pajama thong and walked in my bunny slippers, I would recommend you not doubt me.

Dream Theories* Sigmund Freud believed that dreams existed to fulfill his sexual perversions. I'm guessing he would have loved having his bags checked at the airport.
* The computer metaphor - dreams are a way for us to defrag our cluttered minds as we commit some memories acquired during the previous day to longterm backup storage while others are sent to the recycle bin.
* The "sleeping on it" problem solving theory.

DaBlade's Theory of Dreams
All of the prior theories may have some sliver of truth, but what I believe they all miss is that dreams are not simply a result of chemical reactions and electrical discharges in an organic brain. I believe we have an out-of-body experience, whereby our consciousness is actually transported to a place I refer to as Dreamland. A land of rainbows, unicorns, cotton candy and killer jokes yet to be discovered. All are welcome in Dreamland Carole Anne!

The other 95% of our brainpower is unleashed in Dreamland allowing us to solve all of the most important riddles. I believe the problem occurs in the trip back through the veil of consciousness. Most of the cool thoughts and understandings can't fit through this veil and they get stuck between worlds like dolphins in a tuna net. It's sorta like the Terminator having to travel naked through time because his clothes can't make the trip. (Hey! That's one solution to this TSA business).

Anyway, that's my dream theory.

OH! I almost forgot to tell you. "What was the 'Eureka!' solution to the enhanced aggressive airport screenings," you ask? I'm sorry to tell you, but it was just more gobbledygook. Somehow my fugue self really believed the answer was for airports to just install the U-Check, self-service scanning technology used in grocery stores.

Hmmmm. Back to the drawing board.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Bad news, goods news

The bad news is, I missed my originally scheduled flight because of a small delay at the pat-down station after a body scanner malfunction.

The good news is, the TSA workers missed my Twinkie stash. Don't ask where I keep my junk.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Crappy Christmas Gifts 2010

Obama's new children's book "Of Thee I Sing" hits the shelves today and immediately takes the top spot as this year's crappiest Christmas gift, easily surpasing the Justin Bieber doll and Playmobil's Airport Security Check Point Playset.

The publisher describes Obama's latest book as "a moving tribute to thirteen groundbreaking Americans and the ideals that have shaped our nation -- from the artistry of Georgia O'Keeffe, to the courage of Jackie Robinson, to the patriotism of George Washington."

Proceeds from the book, which has a suggested retail price of $17.99, will be donated to a scholarship fund for children of fallen and disabled soldiers.

It 's unknown at this point if Obama actually authored this cerebral tome, or if it was written by his favorite ghost-writer, Bill Ayers. Frankly, I'm not sure who the target market is with this. The left-wing nutjobs that are his base will be put off by the fact that their money will go towards war-monger's children, and Tea Party folks probably will not want to buy a children's book they feel it necessary to proof-read first.

Obama's book is also not expected to do well with his whacko lib base when pitted against the competition of this impressive line of children's gifts from Chattering Teeth Toys.

Abortion Operation
Egocentric Sally has decided it's not real convenient for her to carry this tissue mass to term. Pass the forceps, we're going in!

Name an abortion after your significant other
and get your very own commemorative snow globe filled with abortion debris from the International Abortion Registry...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Michelle causes scene at airport

I don't really care about this Supreme Court case - I just liked the picture

Now comes the case of the Mexican-born Ruben "the deported drug dealer" versus the United States.

PICTURED: Michelle Obama seems to have taken sides with the defense on this one. (Don't know the artist on this one, but nicely done!)

What is before the Supreme Court is whether or not this foreign-born dope smoker should be allowed to seal his birth records and claim he was born in Hawaii so he can begin his run for the presidency.

OK, not really. He just wants citizenship.

Quick Facts of the case:* Born in Tijuana in 1974 to unwed parents.
* His biological mother is Mexican and his then 16-year-old father is an American citizen.
* Raised by grandma and father in San Diego since he was 2 months old.
* Has been deported six times since then for drugs, only to sneak back across the border each time.
* Now he is claiming the immigration laws discriminate because it gives unwed mothers more rights than fathers.

Different rules for woman? I guess I'm OK with that. I always thought that an American woman's womb was like a U.S. embassy in foreign lands - you know... always considered U.S. soil. I just wish Michelle would keep her hands off her diplomatic pouch.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Obama looking old in Asia

Obama speaks during his news conference at the G-20 summit in Seoul, South Korea

I don't know about you, but I'm a believer that the office of the presidency tends to prematurely age a person.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

ocular illusions of the fertile mind

Just what was that object seen hurtling into the sky over the Southern California coast?

Was it a missile fired by a foreign submarine? A meteor? Ironman? My first thought was - I wonder if little Falcon, of baloon boy fame, has been located, or if he is hiding under his bed again?

“There is no evidence to suggest that this is anything else other than a condensation trail from an aircraft,” according to a Pentagon spokesman.

Looks too big of a contrail to be coming from a commercial jet liner... unless, of course, one of the passengers is the perpetually tanned John Boehner sneaking a smoke in the john. Mystery solved.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Urban Miners Gone Wild

Detroit Public Schools have become the symbol for what is wrong with public education in general in this country, and for good reason, what with their lofty 25% high school graduation rate. That's why I'd like to take this opportunity to recognize them for this positive story from today's Detroit News:
Scrappers take anything of value from DPS sites

"Blade, what can you possibly find positive in this story? Grayling Elementary, one of 70 closed and boarded up schools waiting to be sold or demolished, is getting ransacked by scrappers for parts.

Well, at least these buildings are once again being populated with skilled professionals with some semblance of higher math skills. At the very least, you would have to agree that their truancy rates have plummeted. And with Michigan's unemployment rate being what it is, maybe we could use more of this kind of entrepreneurial spirit.

Do you have what it takes to be an "urban miner"? Take this quiz and find out:
1. Little Johnny and little Timmy break into a defunct Detroit Public School looking for what?
(A) Books
(B) A quiet place to smoke crack
(C) Jimmy Hoffa
(D) Copper and other materials they can easily sell

2. If copper currently fetches $4 per pound and they work from 9 p.m. until 4 a.m (a 7 hour shift) gathering 100 pounds of copper, which statement would be false?
(A) Little Johnny and little Timmy are in possession of $400 worth of copper
(B) These industrious lads have earned $200 each (if the booty is split evenly)
(C) They will have earned over $28 per hour for their labor
(D) 100 pounds of copper weighs more than 100 pounds of feathers

3. If little Johnny pops a cap in little Timmy's a$$, what will little Johnny get?
(A) 20 to life for first degree murder
(B) Class valedictorian honors
(C) Promotion to the next grade
(D) All the copper for himself, and whatever drugs and dirty needles he finds in Timmy's pockets

TEST ANSWERS: "D" for "Detroit" was the correct response in each question above. So how did you do?

Now for some Flint local news.
FLINT (WJRT) -- (11/09/10) -- The latest price tag on the Genesee Towers has now been totaled, and Flint taxpayers are learning just how much it will cost them to pay for the building.

The concerns are growing for property owners as they learn details of a special assessment to pay off nearly $9 million for a vacant building.
$9 million bucks for that ol' thing? Why not just encourage those Detroit scrapper dung beetle dudes to swing by and cart this eyesore away? I'm sure we could get them for much less.

Happier Times for the Genesee Towers

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Megamind - A Large Blue Thumbs Up

Caught Megamind, the new DreamWorks 3D animation, this past weekend. I was pulled there by the wife and youngin' and had no idea what the movie even was about. I didn't much care and had no expectations. I mean, there would be popcorn and cool dark sunglasses, so what could go wrong?

What a fantastic surprise! Will Ferrell lends his voice to the big blue-headed villain and Brad Pitt is the suave hero Metro Man. This movie is hilarious, with several "audible gutteral inference of humor" (AGIH) moments. NOTE: I'm trying to replace the tired "LOL" with my own more accurate acronym.

One of my fav sight gags was this "NO YOU CAN'T" poster, visible on a building as the "camera" scanned the Metrocity skyline - AGIH! Go see this immediately!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Confessions of an ex-Tree Killer

I have no regrets 3 weeks after voluntarily leaving a paying job with a regular weekly paycheck in Wisconsin and returning home to my family and friends in Michigan, albeit with no current income. (I do, however, have a plan, but that's for another blog). I did make some good friends in the 3 short months I was there, but without going into any detail for my reasons, let me just say that I quickly realized two things about the newspaper biz:

1) I am a highly skilled and multi-talented Circulation Director/Operations Manager, a tad short on humility notwithstanding.
2) I no longer want anything to do with the newspaper biz.

Any lingering regrets were quickly dispelled during a phone conversation I had with one of my closest friends 3 weeks ago while I was driving a loaded 26-foot UHaul through downtown Chicago traffic on my way home. He was an old colleague of mine many years ago in Flint, who was more recently one of the top three CDs for USA Today in Florida. I say "was" because he had just received word that he was one of 40 CDs across the country who were laid off by Gannett last month. It was, coincidentally, a Gannett propery that I had left behind in Wisconsin. Needless to say, he was devasted and still in shock, wondering how he was now supposed to support his wife and young daughter.

Last week I learned more cuts were made at Booth properties in Michigan. Most of these were from the west side of the state in Grand Rapids, Muskegon and Kalamazoo, but Flint did not go untouched - as three accounting folks (one with 30 years in and a good friend of mine) were laid off. I met with her yesterday to offer my sympathy and hopefully was successful in assuring her that she was too talented for this to be anything more than a temporary inconvenience.

Last night I kept thinking about the science fiction classic, The Time Machine, by H. G. Wells. In this story set into the future, there is a race of light-fearing Morlocks - pale, apelike people who live in darkness underground and hold dominion over a peacefull race of Eloi. Unfortunately for the Eloi, their relationship is not one of lords and servants (read - employer and employees with "job for life" guarantees) but of livestock and ranchers.

Like I said, time for a change. "I break with thee, I break with thee, and throw dog poopy on your shoes".

Saturday, November 6, 2010

BEDBUGS on 60 Minutes

We bedbugs have been taking a “shellacking” lately, but "I think that's a fair argument" to say that it's not our blood sucking of the public that is being rejected, but rather our "failing to sell the importance of" of these parasitic policies.

"I think that, over the course of two years we were so busy and so focused on" infesting hotels, public transportation and NYC schools, that "we stopped paying attention to the fact that" infestations are not just about feeding on our host's blood.

"That it’s a matter of persuading people" to ignore the resulting skin rashes, psychological effects and allergic symptoms, not to mention the gag factor at our disgusting appearance.

Friday, November 5, 2010

R.I.P. Sparky. "Pain don't hurt"? It does now.

For me, Sparky Anderson was one of those larger-than-life celebrities in the "sports hero" category. He managed the Detroit Tigers from 1979 to 1995 and I have many warm memories of this man and his body of work.

Let me put it this way. If I was shown an inkblot roughly in the shape of Sparky, I would think two things... First, I would associate his image with my memories of those great Tiger teams, especially that magical 1984 Championship season. I'll never forget that 35-5 start.

The other thing I'd think would be, "Why the heck am I being shown inkblots and can someone please loosen these restraints?"

Sparky was known for being (UNDERSTATEMENT ALERT!) quotable. A co-worker and I used to scan the sports section at our desk while the newspaper was still warm from the press, looking for any new quotes from this man that we would cut out for our "Sparkyisms" file. That file got pretty thick as I recall. Many of them are found here and there, but I know we had some unique ones I haven't seen since. I wonder if Barry still has that?

Anywho, gotta run. "Nurse! Can you change the channel now? The View is coming on!"

"People who live in the past generally are afraid to compete in the present. I've got my faults, but living in the past is not one of them. There's no future in it." - Sparky

Thursday, November 4, 2010

DaBlade: "I am not a Warlock. I'm you!"

DaBlade - The perpetually tanned, sharply tailored, cigar chain-smoking Michigander - returned to "the internets" Wednesday, November 4, 2010, after a lengthy hiatus spent on his mountain retreat while being tended to by robed and mute monks. Almost immediately following the posting of his long anticipated blog yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial Average climbed to a two-year high.

During a tear-filled address made to an unplugged webcam, DaBlade announced "a new way forward" with his return to the spacious Chatteringteeth offices yesterday.
“This is not a time for celebration, not when one in 10 of our fellow bloggers have writers block. This is a time to roll up our sleeves and start pounding our keyboards. If you're like me, then just remove your sleeves altogether and oil up them biceps for a more intimidating blog performance. My point is, I look forward with determination to take the first steps toward building a better future for our kids and grandkids.”
NOTE: President Obama telephoned DaBlade to tell him he was "looking forward to once again reading Chattering Teeth on (his) teleprompter and learning more from the true master of flowery rhetorical flourish,” according to a White House spokesperson.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A Conservative Coup - Can you hear me now?

I woke up this morning with renewed enthusiasm and vigor after yesterday's historic spanking administered to Obama's agenda, with the Republicans taking back the House. There was even a Republican or two elected right here in Michigan, including our new Governor-elect and "One Tough Nerd", Rick Snyder.

Now back to my feeling of euphoria. I am hopping around the house like the reformed Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas morning, with a goofy grin on my face and joy and love in my heart. I'm doing the Ebenezer jig and singing like a drunken sailor. I changed the words of his song a little...

"Obama doesn't know anything, he never did know anything... but now you know that he doesn't know..."

I have no prized goose to cook for dinner, but since this is a symbolic reference, the part of the cooked goose will be played by Obama. Or would he be the ghost of Marxists past? Ah well, casting to be done later.

It wasn't a perfect showing, admittedly, what with Reid and the Dems narrowly holding the senate. Harry Reid clung to his Nevada seat like a stubborn colon polyp refusing to budge. Hey, sometimes on election day the voters will "snip off the things they find when they go up and, no more" and other times they don't.

So while not perfect, I know how to answer my kids queries regarding the election results when they ask, "Did you plug the hole yet daddy?".
Yes, the hole has been plugged. We will cement this midterm victory and put a permanent cap on Obama's destructive agenda come 2012. For now we must be content to look up in the sky and realize that those are our planes now... almost.

Speaking of colon polyps, Tim Kaine, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, misinterpretted the results this way:

“Voters sent a message that change has not happened fast enough.”

Exactly right Mr. Kaine. The voters did not scream for a change in direction. They LOVE the direction toward economic oblivion. We just are not happy with the SPEED Obama and the dems are driving us there and we are an ignorant bunch, clueless to the concept of cause and effect.

Oops, my bad. I slipped into that stupid car analogy metaphor thingy that Obama loves to use so much. Seems I'm not alone in this though. The new Republican "Speaker-Elect", if you will, John Boehner, said this to a cheering throng last night:

"We hope President Obama will now respect the will of the people, change course, and to commit to making changes they are demanding."

Obama respecting the will of the people? Yah, right. I guess we'll find out this afternoon when Obama reads from his teleprompter on this subject today. Maybe it will go something like this:

OBAMA: My fellow Americans. As you know, I inherited a mess from George Bush. He took a joyride in our car and left it in a ditch. Since my election, I have had my boots on - my Mom Jeans covered in mud - trying to push that car out of the ditch. It's hot down there. There is garbage, dead fetuses and used condoms down there. Looks like the National Mall after a liberal rally. Not pleasant. But I've been pushing that car for you. I only stop to take a smoke break, but I make sure that Nancy is pushing while Harry is trying to steer. When Nancy bitches and asks for them to change positions, Harry whines that his skin is sensitive to the mud, and besides, her "gavel" is bigger than his. Break over.

Now you, the American voter, have spoken. You have ignorantly given the keys back to the Republicans in the House. Did I mention that these are the same guys who have been standing and watching us, sipping on their slurpees? Boehner was kicking dirt down and mooning us. Now I am supposed to respect the will of the people and promise to become more centrist, compromising with the Republicans?

Hell no! They can get in the car, but they have to ride in back next to my socialist mop. I recognize that you, the American people, are just upset with the speed of my change, not the direction. Remember, when you want to move the car forward, you put the transmission thingy to "D" for "drive". "D" also stands for "Democrats". If the gears slip into "R", then we go in "reverse". Get it? "R" for "reverse" and for "Republicans". Clever, right?

Now suppose I let them get behind the wheel. I still own the senate, and the media for that matter. A balanced budget? A repeal of my Obamacare? Don't even think about it. The gears will slip into Neutral and we will just be gridlocked. "N" for "Newt", remember him? I need the tires moving on this car to get us out of this ditch. The mud is only up to the wheel wells and if I'm going to dig this car all the way to my partners in China, I need to keep the car digging.

That is why I accept the intent of the American people, if not the will. I know what you really meant. Time for a bootlegger's turn.

Mr. president, I will gladly accept the car stuck in neutral than where you have been driving us. Check your dashboard. The GPS is rerouting.