Friday, August 31, 2012

Democrat Convention Mystery Speaker Leaked: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to deliver "We Own This Country"

Not really, but would anyone be terribly surprised?

Obama could select from a plethora of third world dictators or communist thugs (not currently serving in his administration). Someone should check Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro's travel plans over the next week.

Now comes Pelosi, Reid, Biden... Fluke... maybe Michael Moore. An endless parade of buffoons on the way and I can't wait for the contrast.

The "We Own This Country" was actually a great line from Clint Eastwood last night, who was absolutely stellar BTW.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Former Homeless Man with the Golden voice Announced as GOP Mystery Speaker!

OK, as far as I know, my blog headline is a complete fabrication. But who knows? Ted Williams is certainly a "from rags  to riches" story... He himself went from a crack head into a successful businessman (Obama to Romney transformation)... He could speak to the millions of unemployed Americans and give them hope with his "What a difference a year makes” story.

You Know you love it!


Wow! Ann Romney was great. All the speakers delivered. Fantastic kickoff to the convention. That's all I have time for this morning, as I have to pack a bag, don a disguise, hop the back fence and take a clandestine flight. I'll tell ya about all that later.

Who Is GOP’s Mystery Speaker Thursday night in prime time who is listed as “to be announced”?

Whenever I go to an event, I always take a look at the lineup and make my plans accordingly. I'm not there in Tampa, but if I was, I'd schedule my bathroom break during the Bebe Winans Choir thingy. No offense to Bebe, or his/her? choir. I'm sure they sing lovely. It's just that there is a lot of buzz and buildup on the identity of this mystery speaker slot and I surely would not want to miss that. Hopefully there will be speakers in the bathroom piping in Bebe and company's melodies for those like-minded folks answering nature's call.

Remember, the Romney campaign was able to keep the VP selection secret by having Paul Ryan sneak out through his backyard wearing a cheesehead or something - So I'm sure they can keep my identity uhhhhh ummm... I mean the mystery speaker's identity a secret.

Popular guesses in the blogosphere include rocker Ted Nugent, CIA Director David Petraeus, the Doctor of Democracy himself - Mr. Rush Limbaugh, Joe Lieberman and Colin Powell.

Also popular choices are 82-year old actor Clint Eastwood and one hundred twenty something Nancy Reagan. I love them both, but they would not wow the younger folk.

I don't think the mystery guest will be Pope Benedict or Kid Rock, nor will it be Helen Thomas or Michael Moore (Though I would be fine with all of those selections. The last two would be examples of "let them talk" to expose their folly). If that was the goal, just put Joe Biden "back in chains and anchor him to the podium, tell him he's at a Obama fundraiser in West Virginia and get out of the way of his unleashed pie hole.

If I was planning this, I'd want a little comedy thrown in. We have to laugh, right? I might have Punxsutawney Phil ride out strapped to the back of a jackass (the official democrat mascot). The groundhog would play the part of Joe Biden (no stretch for any rodent) and donkey would be obama of course. They could stand on stage while actual obama/biden soundbites were played over the convention speakers. Then Ann Romney's Thoroughbred Rafalka would chase them off stage. Like it?

Well, my fake mustache is dried and I have a plane to catch. Stay tuned!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Hurricane Isaac's path toward New Orleans is proof positive that Obama hates black people

There is a large and ominous hulk approaching, blotting out the sun and obscuring the view.

No, I'm not referring to Rosie O'Donnell, ex-co-host of the daytime feminist TV show The View. I am speaking, of course, about Hurricane Isaac.

Regular readers of this blog know full well my credentials as a self-trained weather astrologist. Rest easy, for I have run my home hurricane path prediction model (which consists of my key chain gambling top on a vintage Risk playing board map).

According to the model, Isaac will make an abrupt U-Turn, head in a south easterly direction... station itself over Fidel's home in Havana, then head harmlessly out to sea.

Full Disclosure, my key chain spinner dude has been wrong before and cost me several rolls of quarters in the process. Maybe it's because I'm ever the Optometrist, but I see Lake Pontchartrain as half empty.

That said, even if my model is in error (and speaking of "brackish estuaries")...
I really think the dikes will hold this time.

Monday, August 27, 2012

You are what you worship

Listen, in today's partisan climate of political rancor and divisiveness, I believe we should grasp onto every area where we can all agree. Namely, that liberals should all dress up like giant vaginas and stand on street corners.

I'm still not sure if the Code Pinko protesters showed up in Tampa looking for giant Tampax tampons or to just to display their grotesqueries for the press coverage at the RNC Convention. I'm guessing these "Sandra Flukes" dress up in giant vaginas for shock value, but Barney Frankly, I'd be shocked if their twisted thoughts spewed from a normally attired person.

I mean, I'm the same age as the president. I don't know if they had Saturday morning cartoons in Kenya, Indonesia or wherever the Frank he's from, but I know I did. Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny were silly looking, which matched their hilarious routines. I strongly urge Obama and the democrats to borrow the code Pink costumes and wear them for their own upcoming convention. 'Course, that's how I will be picturing him in my mind's eye regardless.

Thankfully, leftists tend to drape themselves in textiles, body "art" and other a kooter ments accoutrements to make them readily identifiable. If the metal in your face and other parts unmentionable tend to set off the airport security detectors, chances are your a liberal. If you wear your silver pony tail out and over your tie dye T-shirt...

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Will Hurricane Isaac make the GOP Convention it's Tina Turner?

Will the approaching Tropical Storm Isaac be a mean drunk (Category 4 or 5) or a happy drunk? (Loud and windy, leaning on you with his arm around your shoulder, spittle in your face)?

The Republican National Convention doesn't want to take any chances with this storm (where even a glancing tropical blow could wreak havoc on Donald Trump's macabre pompadour causing traffic emergencies) and have therefore postponed Monday's scheduled roll-call to Tuesday. Mitt Romney's team is scrambling to cram four days of events into three, causing one aide to state, "it's as challenging as trying to squeeze Governor Chris Christie into a 42 Regular for his Keynote address."

The following clip is raw footage of Governor Christie practicing his speech for Mitt Romney

OK, admit it. THAT would be awesome!

What isn't awesome is the fact that Joe Biden's planned campaign trip To Tampa has been cancelled. The ever classless Obama team originally scheduled the Biden trip in hopes of countering the start of the GOP convention, but somebody in the campaign must have realized that Biden's mouth is as unpredictable as Isaac's path and quickly scrapped the plan. Besides, they were probably having difficulty locating a donut show or small diner where the owner agreed to the photo op. Apparently, Biden will be appearing in nearby Orlando on Tuesday - wearing Mouse ears and sipping Kool Aid from a bendable straw surrounded by costumed characters in Fantasyland. In other words, your typical democrat rally.

Meanwhile, Isaac continues it's erratic gait, like a drunken sailor leaving the bar at 2AM whistling show tunes, oblivious to the direction of home. For the sake of all Gulf Coast residents potentially in it's path, let's hope it's the Isaac version in the following video - cool and smooooth, with no random roundhouse punches.

Hey GOP! It's almost Time to get it on!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Obama on the Politrickin' trail

President Obama took a seat by the window of Air force One, as was his habit, so he could read about himself in natural light. The flight was going to be a short one and he was looking forward to that afternoon's day of golf. "I haven't had a vacation in over 10 days!," he pondered to himself.

He scanned the headlines for articles that mentioned his greatness. It didn't used to be this hard. His handlers were careful to go over each newspaper beforehand and black out any mention of his opponent's success, or the rare occurence of Obama's own negative press. It seemed each day's edition was marked up more than the last.
As the plane reached cruising altitude, Barack's eye was drawn to this headline:

USADA strips President Obama of Awards

Startled, he began to read...

The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency erased 14 years worth of Barack Obama's high school and college career Friday - including his alleged degree from  Columbia University and Harvard Law School. But the USADA didn't stop there. They stripped him of his Nobel Peace Prize, and court ordered him to hand write refund checks in the amount of $1.09 from his own personal account to every disgruntled customer from the Opti-grab bailout failure.

He is now officially a drug cheat in the eyes of his nation's doping agency - and by the majority of voters, who look to strip him of the presidency this November.

Barack's longtime spiritual advisor, Reverend Wright, came to his defense and said he was the victim of an unjust legal case. "Where is the evidence that Barack was doping? This is nothing more than a witch hunt and the USADA just be ridin' dirty!"

A reporter from Chattering Teeth blog pointed out to reverend Wright that the evidence was in Obama's own spoon-fed words in his ghost-written autobiography, Dreams from My Father:

"I had learned not to care. I blew a few smoke rings, remembering those years. Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though. Didn't like the smack causin' me to shake like a faulty engine, and I never could get the tubing and needle to cooperate with my skinny ass arms."

Suddenly, Airforce One hit an air pocket momentarily jarring Obama awake in his airplane seat. He looked down at the newspaper lying open on his lap. He had fallen asleep while reading the latest news story about Lance Armstrong being stripped of his Tour de France titles by the USADA for accusations of doping.

 "It was all a dream," the president said with relief. "This story isn't about me!"

Of course it's not mister president. Lance still has one testicle while you remain ball less sir!

Presidential Campaign Sports Analogy Friday

“It is very rare that I come to an event where I’m like the fifth or sixth most filthy rich person,” Romney joked while addressing a group of current and former Wall Street bankers.

“I can’t resist a polo analogy. We are in the final chukkas. We’re up by a few goals but the other side is coming strong and they have been known to hook your pony from behind with their mallet. We’ve got a few Thoroughbred mounts on our team with painful laminitis and I believe that they’ve got one last run in them. I’d say there’s about seven minutes to go in the game ... if you’ve got a little bit of a lead and there’s about seven minutes, that’s when you adjust your posture in the saddle,  pull on the reigns and become victorious in a gentlemanly fashion.”

Haha! OK, that didn't really happen, but can the imagine the mainstream media's joy if it had?
Here is what really happened..

“It is very rare that I come to an event where I’m like the fifth or sixth most interesting person,” Obama joked while addressing a group of 120 current and former NBA stars.

Hmmm, narcissist much? Wasn't the Elephant Man also the most interesting person in the room during his lifetime?

BARACK OBAMA (picture him with Erkel shorts up to his armpits and headband above the Dumbo ears): 
“I can’t resist a basketball analogy.We are in the fourth quarter. We’re up by a few points but the other side is coming strong and they play a little dirty. We’ve got a few folks on our team in foul trouble. We’ve got a couple of injuries and I believe that they’ve got one last run in them. I’d say there’s about seven minutes to go in the game ... if you’ve got a little bit of a lead and there’s about seven minutes, that’s when you put them away.”

What Obama doesn't say in his analogy is that the refs in this game are the mainstream media, and he is getting the benefit of every call.

THIS JUST IN: New polling shows the president has a substantial lead among current and former NBA basketball players. He also continues to receive strong support with the tatted up drug, crime and ghetto thug culture.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

"The Longest Term" By Navin Johnson

I know you've only been president for a little over three and a half years, but to me it seems like nine years, ten weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went golfing and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when I saw you on TV, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Curiosity Zaps First Martian Rock with Laser (while this act of aggression is met with silence by the so-called United Federation of Planets!)


August 19, 2012:  NASA's Mars rover Curiosity has fired its laser for the first time on Mars. On Aug. 19th the mission's ChemCam instrument hit a fist-sized rock named "Coronation" with 30 pulses of its laser during a 10-second period. Each pulse delivers more than a million watts of power for about five one-billionths of a second.

Mission control erupted into a chaos of pocket protector to pocket protector hugs and high fives. The rest of the article talks about creating puffs of smoke for analysis. After many years of ChemCam development, not to mention $Millions of tax dollars in chips and assorted munchies during project Rover Reefer) it was time to get mellow.

NASA Mohawk guy: "Wow maaaaan, don't bogart the ionized, glowing plasma!"

While the article doesn't specifically mention Obama, I will naturally assume he has made another "gutsy call" in leading this mission that brought that rock to justice (unless I hear differently from Democrat Senator Jeanne Shaheen).  I'm sure the president insisted on live updates to his Blackberry, hoping for any distraction during his campaign stop and bi-annual visit to church.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney promised Ohio coal workers that he would do everything in his power to ensure them "good jobs and good wages." An anonymous source told this reporter that Obama will pull the plug on the Mars mission and bankrupt NASA immediately if Curiosity discovers coal on the red planet.

Lastly, it has not escaped the American people Mister Romney, that we still don't know your color preferences or desired super power. Obama has fully disclosed this key information while your campaign remains silent sir!

Stoned NASA scientists practice with the Mars rover?

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Mitt Romney refuses to release his favorite workout song

Obama hasn't had a formal news conference since march 6 as he has been too busy fund raising, campaigning and golfing. He just had time to squeeze in a probing interview from pop radio in New Mexico.  In it, we learn some very valuable information that will help us make an informed decision in the polling booth come this November.

While Mitt Romney and his side-kick Paul Ryan run around talking about boring ol' economic stuff and writing confusing numbers on whiteboards, the 93.3 FM reporters get the the REAL issues young folks care about.

It was obvious to me that Obama was prepped for this interview and knew the questions in advance.   Allah forbid he get a hard-hitting and unexpected question like "Boxers or briefs?" like Bill Clinton deftly fielded from an MTV reporter a few campaigns ago.

"Red or green mister president?"  "What's your favorite New Mexican food?..  Favorite workout song? ...desired super power?"

Choreographed and scripted interview aside, Obama's charming and familiar speech patterns came across over the over the radio waves. His staccato intellectual cadence of "yaknow... uhhhh... buuuut... aaaand... thaaaaat... eh eh eh ya know.. aaaand) seasoned with a unique accent of blended Indonesian Madrassa and Chicago thug, got the interview chicky poo all giggly at the end.

"Oh mi gosh! Fer suuure! I just flirted with the president of the united state (sic) of America! What Ev...veeeer!"

The thing to remember kids, is that Obama is cool man - so please take away from this interview the image of Obama "swoopin' around" in red tights while listening to Beyounce on his iPod. Don't clutter your minds with those fact thingys those Republicans are sooo in love with.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Helmets and Headcrabs

Swedish designers have done it again! First, there was the Swedish meatballs invention. Then came the Swiss Army Knife. Now comes the greatest human achievement so far this century -

The inflatable Bike Helmet!

"...the blow-up helmet is housed in a pouch that, when wrapped around your neck, looks a little like a puffed-up ski-jacket collar.

But, using gyroscopes and accelerometers and other electronic sensors, the Hovding can sense a bike crash and then immediately blow up an airbag of sorts to surround the cyclist's head."
When the sensors are triggered, helium gas is deployed to fill up the nylon bag. Creators say it takes only a tenth of a second to fully inflate.

Can't you just imagine a faulty sensor causing this thing to pop up at the most inopportune times!?

Of course, anyone goofy enough to wear this as a bike helmet would likely render the safety feature ineffective by sucking the helium tank dry within the first couple of miles. I can almost hear recordings of the Donald and Daisy Duck 911 emergency calls now.

I can only hope that engineers are working on full body airbags and that these suits will become mandatory citizen uniforms in a second Obama term.

The gal in the inflated helmet reminds me of one of them zombie head crabs who run around in Half-Life II, my favorite PC game of all time. BTW. Hey Valve! When is Half-Life 3 going to finally be released?

Headcrab Zombies

Friday, August 17, 2012

Joe Biden gaffes again! *yawn*

“Let’s just settle it, once and for all. All this speculation. This is the ticket: Obama/Biden,” asked Fox News Channel’s White House correspondent Ed Henry.

Yes,” replied Carney. “And that was settled a long, long time ago.”

Joe Biden gaffes again in a recent stump speech:

“Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive”

Obviously, he meant to say the exact opposite. Technically, GM is not dead, just on a never-ending taxpayer funded life support.

..and Speaking of "alive" and "life support":  This shocking image smuggled from an underground White House bunker proves Obama's male lover Osama is still alive!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Obama drops Biden for hissing Madagascar cockroach!

OK, this is a little creepy but I like it!

I Side With Mitt Romney on most issues

Who do you support for president? Take the quiz over at and see if it matches your assumptions. h/t: Right KliK

Here are my results:

I won't quibble with the results. They're close enough. But I can't help but wonder just what 21% of me agrees with Obama. The only way I can explain this to myself is that these areas are still active lies by the fibber-in-chief. It was just a few months ago that Obama stated (lied) that he opposed gay marriage. He still claims he's a Christian but everyone knows that's total bullshit.

The following are testimonials for the accuracy of's quiz. (Like most polls taken today, only Obama supporters were asked)

Meet 28-year-old Floyd Corkins, a self-hating liberal activist LGBT volunteer who shot a security guard at the pro-life group Family Research Council yesterday.

"I took the quiz and the results stated I agreed with Obama only 100% of the time. I ALWAYS give 110% mutha f#@&ers!!"

Meet Michelle Williams, the Black Panthers chief of staff who threatens the upcoming cracker RNC convention in Tampa FL. She tells her audience that it's time to go into nurserys and kill everything white.

"Yah, I took the iSide quiz thang. Ain't no mutha f#@&ing way I agree with that white cracker Romney 1% of the time! I want those iSide cracker's heads in my bag!"

Meet Abortion Doc Virmani, a frequent Democrat Donor  Who claims he is doing a society a favor by killing all the “Ugly Black Babies.”

"I have no comment. Please to get off my porch."

And in conclusion, I'll leave you with a recent email joke I received from a friend. The theme is kind of the same so enjoy!

I get irritated when people criticize the police saying they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are that way.

   The police department in the small country town of Fredericksburg,TX reported finding a man's body in the Pedernales River. The dead man's name was not released pending notification of his family .The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, Texas police do care.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Biden Unchained!

 Today's Pop Quiz: Which of the three choices is an actual quote from our Vice President Joe Biden?

"I'm not just trying to shmooze you schleps or get you al verklempt, but them schmegeggy schmeg Republicans want to schtoop you putzes back in the Nazi gas chambers."
Joe Biden uses Yiddish terms and faux-accent while speaking to a HUGE crowd of several dozen at the National Jewish Democratic Council. That's just "Joe being Joe" using holocaust imagery before a predominately Jewish audience.

"How chief! Romney Ryan heap big pale faces want to scalp you Injuns."

Joe Biden, to his Pai Gow dealer in a local Indian casino. That's just "Joe being Joe" as he builds little T.P.s with the dominoes he receives from the dealer.

"They gonna put y’all back in chains."

Our Vice President Joe Biden, before a HUGE crowd of 660 (for his standards) in Virginia... or South Carolina... Or Iowa. Hell, HE doesn't even know exactly where he is himself. That's just "Joe being Joe" using slave imagery before a predominately black audience.

OK, so that was too easy because it just happened yesterday. But let me ask you this. What if you were given these choices a week ago? I don't imagine it being quite so easy. Biden has proven time and time again that he will say anything, and "Barney Frankly" it wouldn't surprise me if he said one of the first two choices tomorrow, A few days ago, I blogged about how it's getting tougher to make fun of the democrats. With Biden, it is just plain impossible. There is not anything you could make up that is more outrageous than what actually escapes from his piehole.

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani on The Kudlow Report:
GIULIANI: Well, I think if it came from somebody serious maybe we’d get all excited about it. But the — I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late night television. I mean, he — I’ve never seen a vice president that has made as many mistakes, said as many stupid things. I mean, there’s a real fear if, God forbid, he ever had to be entrusted with the presidency, whether he really has the mental capacity to handle it. I mean, this guy just isn’t bright. He’s never been bright. He isn’t bright. And people think, ‘Well, he just talks a little too much.’ Actually he’s just not very smart.
 GOP Leader Reince Priebus on Hannity last night:  "... the only things that are shovel ready around here are the words coming out of Barack Obama and Joe Biden’s mouth.“

Tuesday, August 14, 2012



A new Rasmussen poll shows 39% of all voters have a favorable opinion of Paul Ryan. Like the boyscout he resembles, they rightly believe he would be a safe escort for your granny while crossing a busy intersection.

25% offered a negative review (mostly the victims of the democrat disinformation campaign - like my lovable, yet gullible neighbor Gabe) and believe he would dump Grandma over a cliff (and probably throw your MeeMaw from the train for good measure) 

35% have not yet formulated an opinion of Ryan (nor a coherent original thought in some time) 

The point is, Paul Ryan comes out of the gate as a relative unknown among a good portion of the population, and both sides are scrambling during this small window of opportunity to define him. In this new internet age, where beliefs and opinion are born from blog posts and Tweets, I feel it is my patriotic duty to set the record straight. At least where lovable, yet gullible Gabe is concerned. Yesterday I tried to deprogram him with the truth about the Ryan plan, that it's actually OBAMA'S plan that guts the Medicare budget to the tune of over $700 Billion. That the Romney/Ryan plan will not affect anyone over the age of 55, and will reform the program to SAVE it for those younger. It didn't work. Those who stopped by yesterday know Gabe's response:

"All I know is what I saw on the internet. I SAW Ryan pushing that innocent old lady over a cliff!"

So in that spirit, I decided it was time to come clean with Gullible Gabe.

Gabe, you got me! What can I say? That YouTube video circulating the internet that shows a dark-suited gentleman pushing an old lady in a wheelchair, then dumping her over a cliff is clearly Paul Ryan. The artsy headless torso shots and wide-angled views from 200 yards behind did not fool you, did it my friend?  You certainly have a discerning eye sir! Because of this fact, you have been selected and approved to hear the truth by the super secret Tea Party Underground. What you are about to learn will SHOCK you!

That's right, you heard me correctly. Paul Ryan really did fling the ol' bag over the cliff, and you want to know what else? I'm glad he did. If you can muster the courage to hear the rest of the truth, watch the following video closely.

The following is a highly classified video taken surreptitiously inside the walls of a Washington psychiatric ward. This is where democrats are housed when they get old.

Here is your proof that liberalism is a mental disorder. Is this how you want to spend your retirement years Gabe? skittering on the ceiling like a spider possessed by Biden's imaginary friend? It gets worse. As you saw, one of the old demons escaped. Let's examine a screen capture with that discerning eye of yours. Look familiar?

That was no frail and helpless old woman that Ryan tossed over the cliff, but satan spawn itself. The truth is, Gabe, Republicans have been battling these evil spirits for quite some time. These liberal demons are the enemies of humanity. See the "true history" for yourself:

The 16th President preserved the union and freed the slaves, while slaughtering the undead. This sacred duty has been secretly passed down the Republican line ever since. It is now simply Paul Ryan's time.

Paul Ryan: Vampiress Hunter


I think this could work.

Monday, August 13, 2012

My talk with Gullible Gabe (Part I)

Meet my friend and neighbor, Gullible Gabe. Gabe doesn't follow politics too much, but says he stays informed with the little blurbs he picks up from the networks when he tunes in to catch the weather. He also touts Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and Rachel Maddow as his trusted news sources. I thought it would be interesting to get his perspective on Romney's selection of Paul Ryan as his running mate. Here is a partial transcript of our over-the-fence conversation. (Part I)

* The mutual exchange of "Howdy neighbor" and comments on each others lawns not included. Maybe I'll break those down on the next slow news day. In the meantime, we pick up the conversation already in progress...

Me: So what do you think of Mitt picking Paul Ryan?

Gullible Gabe: Haha! You said "Mitt picking". YOU KIDS! STAY OFF MY MITT PICKING LAWN! *swigs beer*

Me: Good one. I see what you did there. Does that mean you've never heard of the guy?

Gullible Gabe: Oh no, I've heard of him... just gimmee a sec pal. Two first names. Hmmm. Is he that really heavy mayor from over there in Jersey Shore?

Me: No, you're thinking of New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie. Paul Ryan is from Wisconsin.

Gullible Gabe: OH NOW I KNOW THE DUDE! He's the guy who threw an old lady off a cliff somewhere. I'm sorry, but I'll be voting for Obama this year. First, there was Mitt killing the wife of one of his employees a few years back with some kinda cancer death ray, and now Ryan knocking off old ladies. I can't in good conscience vote for two homicidal maniacs.

Me: Gabe, the only person left defending that disgusting Romney ad is DNC Chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz.  As for Ryan, you're thinking of that liberal propaganda Mediscare hit piece ad that shows an actor playing Paul Ryan pushing some old lady in her wheelchair, then dumping her over a cliff. It's supposed to scare old people and symbolize what will happen if they vote for the Republicans.

Like everything else the democrats pump out, it's a load of crap. Total and complete fabrication and lies. In fact, it's OBAMA'S plan that guts the Medicare budget to the tune of $700 Billion. The Romney/Ryan plan will not even affect anyone over the age of 55, and reforms the program to SAVE it for those younger. I'm surprised you fall for all of this Gabe.

Gullible Gabe: I have no idea what you're talking about. All I know is what I saw on the internet. I SAW Ryan pushing that innocent old lady over a cliff.

I wasn't getting anywhere with Gabe. I decided to take another tact. Like most of his ilk, facts don't matter, especially when they interfere with his twisted and corrupt world view. At the same time, Gabe is an otherwise decent dude who works hard and takes care of his family. I just might be able to save him, but to do so will take drastic measures on my part. I will have to enter his world and don the cloak of the seedy underbelly of disinformation he consumes and use it to my advantage.

Stay tuned for the conclusion of "my talk with Gullible Gabe" on this blog tomorrow. Just stare at the screen and hit refresh every 5 minutes and I'll make it worth your while. Then again, if you're reading this in the future, well after part II has been posted - then my response will actually be ABOVE this entry on my blog feed. I know. The internets can be a wonderful but scary thing.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Chattering Teeth Talking Points Memo:

Today's topic: Is it just me, or is it getting tougher to make fun of the Democrats?

I'm just some guy who occasionally "gets his blog on" to entertain and amuse himself (and a handful of other folks - most of whom stumbled here after google-searching the query, "why does my pet's teeth chatter?"). I am a Christian and a conservative who likes to use satire to make a point, so obviously my favorite targets are liberals and democrats in general, and Obama specifically. To that end, this administration continues to be a target-rich environment. So what's up with today's posit? 

To answer that, let's review the definition of "satire" for the benefit of first-time democrat visitors who were publically "educable".


The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of... A play, novel, film, or other work that uses satire.

lampoon - squib

The problem with trying to use satire with this current bunch of dimwitted democrats and their occupy walking dead followers, is that they are now literally caricatures of their former selves. Again, for the benefit of the velcro shoelaces...

1. A representation, especially pictorial or literary, in which the subject's distinctive features or peculiarities are deliberately exaggerated to produce a comic or grotesque effect.

2. A grotesque imitation or misrepresentation

It used to be easy to satirize a liberal. All you had to do was to take their stated position (political or moral) and extrapolate over time (using actual examples and data) the insane and devastating results of their twisted anti-American and anti-God beliefs. We used to warn about not giving these folks the reigns of power for too long or we could end up like (fill in the blank with your most horrific example your imagination can muster)

Well, as Carol Ann would say... "They're heeeeere!"

I hadn't thought about this in these terms until this past week, after having watched comedian Dennis Miller on the O'Reilly Factor. The Miller Time segment always cracks me up, but this time he said something very profound. Here it is...

MILLER: Well, you know what, Billy? Here's what I'd do if I was doing the convention. I would appoint the speakers of the GOP... I'd pick Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Joe Biden. I'd let them have all the time.

And then, at the end if I was Romney, I'd just come out, point and go, "Really?... Really?"

I think I'd let any of those, if you're talking lineup, any of those three would be my D.H., my designated half-wit. I would just let them speak and then say, "You don't want any more of this."

...Then I would have Chris Christie come out and slap around a photog, and I'd move on.

It might make the GOP convention amusing to watch Dirty Harry Reid and his imaginary friends spew hateful propaganda. Or watching Pelosi and her botox-enhanced painted-on smile (eerily similiar to The Joker's grimace) talking to her ghost friends. Or how about the keynote speaker, Joe Biden, waving his arms and screaming, "YOU DON'T GET US!!!"

These people and this party have no shame. Obama and his posse have shown they will stop at nothing to keep power. They lie, divide, distract, distort... did I say lie already? They lie.

But we can see this crap anywhere and everywhere from the obama-enabling mainstream media. What we want to see is exactly what we saw yesterday. Namely, raw excitement from our side generated by the announcement of Paul Ryan as VP. We now have clearly defined and delineated choices this fall.

So in conclusion:
1) Today's democrats are who we warned you about yesterday.
2) Clearly, this makes satire all the more difficult
3) I am a professional and will not let this stop me

and finally... I have no idea why the parakeet's little beak is chattering ma'am. Try knitting a little sweater for it or something.

And that's the MEMO

Saturday, August 11, 2012

SHOCK! Romney picks NASA Mohawk Guy as VP candidate!

OK, not really. But the only thing that would make me happier this morning was if Ryan showed up before the cameras sporting the mohawk!

 Meet Bobak Ferdowsi, NASA space geek extraordinaire and full time Activity Lead for the latest mission to Mars. His patriotic stars-and-stripes mohawk doo of red, white and blue caused quite the internet sensation- and a multitude of marriage proposals.

Meet Paul Ryan, budget geek extraordinaire, and now full time Romney running mate. His patriotic budget work, and Reagan-eske doo have caused quite the internet twitter among the brown shirt occupy crowd.

I couldn't be more geeked by this pick and simply CAN NOT WAIT for the VP debates. More importantly, I can't wait for the adults to take back this country before it's too late.

More Doos and don'ts...

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Undercover Boss day at Chick-fil-A

ADAM SMITH: Hey, how ya doin? Remember me from the other day?

DRIVE-THRU BABE: Let me guess. You want another free water, right?

ADAM SMITH: Absolutely. Love the "hate water". Hate water from a hateful organization. Did you know that Dan Cathy, Chick-fil-A's president and chief operating officer READS THE BIBLE? That he steals his greedy profits by travelling over Obama's roads and bridges? That he DONATES this hate money to hateful marriage ministries who ADMIT to supporting the biblical definition of the family unit? You deserve better Rachel! Someone like me. I'm a nice guy! And I'm totally heterosexual! There's not a gay in me... at least at the moment. So what do you say? Let's go out on a date. I know where all the free stuff is! Did I mention that I'm totally heterosexual?

DAN CATHY: Why, if it isn't the effiminate little pseudo-intellectual punk who gets off on ripping teen-age, drive-thru girls by telling them their company sucks because he's afraid of talking to a man. Here's your water, jackass!
ADAM SMITH: I feel purposeful thank you very much.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Startling new evidence connects Obama's roots to Polynesian Fruit Punch!

I don't know about you, but With the economy in shambles, the unemployment rate over 8% (even with funny math) and With over $5 trillion dollars in new Obama debt - I take great comfort in the knowledge that... SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE, a team of genealogists working tirelessly around the clock may FINALLY show Obama indeed has slave blood. We're saved!

The Premise: Obama is descended from "...John Punch, an indentured servant who was sentenced to a life of slavery after an unsuccessful escape attempt in colonial Virginia."

"We have two of the most significant Africans in our country's history being directly related to each other," Joseph Shumway, an genealogist, told CNN.

Why, if this is true, it will go down in revisionist history as the most spectacular and uplifting event in our nation's history! EVERYONE will remember where they were and what they were doing when they first heard that Obama had slave blood! (I always knew he was legit man! Sheeeeiiiit!)

Every generation has these moments. I remember as a little boy up past his bedtime watching the first moon landing. I remember crystal clear the "where and when" moments from the Challenger disaster, 9-11, and when I first heard the Rush Limbaugh program. Events that changed the course of history.

But Obama found to be "down with the struggle" trumps them all!!! This is a watershed moment for our nation, much as the Miracle US hockey team's victory in the 1980 Olympics uplifted the pride of a nation. If there ever was a time we collectively yearned for a distraction from local and world events and a much needed shot of hope - it's now!

The U.S. hockey team's defeat of the Russian's helped this nation begin to heal, just as this news of The One's bloodline being traced back to slave John Punch (The First One) will help us get over what really troubles us as a nation now... Namely, when will Fifty Shades of Grey be released as a movie, ala Hunger Games, and what's up with Lindsay Lohan's latest arrest?

Yes, the U.S. women's gymnastics team won the gold in London yesterday. Yes, that's great! However, they weren't exactly underdogs so it doesn't rise to the same level as the hockey victory in 1980. Obviously it pales in comparison to the Obama slave blood news. Now if this were the winter Olympics, and say... we won the Curling gold? (dare I dream?)

So let's recap! You may have lost your job and joined the swelling Obama ranks of the unemployed. You may have lost your home to foreclosure. You may be scratching by day-by-day. Now you hear that Obama has legit African slave roots. Don't you feel better!? Obama (the media and the team of genealogists hope you do in November).

There is one little problem with this Barack Obama/John Punch link though. It probably isn't true.

As we read deeper into the story, we find out that researchers ran into a few minor obstacles. Namely, a mountain of records had been lost or destroyed over the last three hundred plus years. But did our little marxist researchers give up? NO! They began to fill in the blanks with deductions, opinion and concocted fantasy, damn the lack of facts! This is the same strategy used on their "news" channels, so no big stretch.

Apparently, the premise hinges on manufacturing a link between the "Caucasian Bunch family" and the African American John Punch. The "Caucasian Bunch family"? Sounds like a new weekly sitcom...

Here's the story
Of a Marxist named Barry
Who was busy destroying America on his own...

OK, back to our story...

Bunch. Punch. Bunch. Punch. Hmmmm. Even you rightwingers have to admit that Bunch and Punch rhyme. And apparently in colonial times it was not unusual that the letter "P" and "B" would be used interchangeably. I think we can accurately conclude that we now know more about the birth and life of colonial slave John Punch than we do about our modern slave master Obama.

Case Closed.


Obama does in fact have roots from the Punch family, but as it turns out - NOT the "John Punch" lineage. Obama is a direct descendant of this man, Hawaiin Punch.

FINALLY! A proveable link to Obama's claim of Hawaiian heritage - just a few generations removed.

Apparently, the John Punch connection belonged to some guy named Parack Opama from Queens. Gotta run and make my lunch. Beanut Putter and Jelly sandwich sounds good to me.