Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014 Chattering Teeth's Year in Review

It was a good year in and around the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios. I gained two beautiful daughter-in-laws when my middle son got married in October, and the eldest boy hitched earlier this month. Being the father of 3 boys, I now have learned what my life these last 25 years has been lacking. Drama. But a 'good' drama because I love them as my own :)

It was a little bitter-sweet when my middle son was married. Not only did he move out, but he took his 3 year old German Sheperd with him. Koda had lived with us her entire life and Mrs DaBlade and I were heartbroken when she left. (Oh yah, we miss you too son).

The good news is, we don't have far to travel to see them. My boy had purchased a fixer-upper on the very next street over in our same subdivision last year (How cool is that?), and with a tremendous amount of help from his now father-in-law, had completely remodeled this beautiful home that was waiting for them when they returned from their honeymoon in St. Lucia.

The oldest boy and his new bride married on the very unforgettable date of 12-13-14 (no excuses to forget an anniversary son) and have recently returned from their honeymoon to Disney World (their favorite place in the world). They live and work in Grand Rapids, a little further than the next block over, but still just 2 hours away. We don't see them as much, but mom and dad love having all 3 boys (and girls now) home at the same time, as we did on Christmas.

My "baby boy" turned 20 this year, and DID NOT get married to complete the trifecta. However, he did go to Wyoming to train as a mountain climber, then climbed giant wind turbines to perform maintenance, only to return home and enroll to study (and ultimately receive) certification as a welder.

While he didn't really leave to climb mountains or windmills (though he spoke of doing these things) he really is pursuing the welding trade. He came up with this on his own, and this time I think he really means to follow through. It's a darn good trade, and the side benefit is that the wife and I can keep him close for at least a little while longer (so no empty nest yet!)

Speaking of which, meet Zeke, a white Sheperd and newest addition to our family!

See ya next year! Happy New Year! (Maybe by next year there will be grandbabies involved? :)

Obama's 2014 Facebook Year in Review

It's been a great year! Thanks for being part of it.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Headline you'll never see: Church Wedding canceled for Obama visit

Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...

Today's top story: Soldiers forced to relocate from their Christian church wedding so Obama could pray.

Wedding nuptials had just gotten started when an Army couple, their wedding party, family and friends were told to "move it outside" because President Obama required the entire holy sanctuary to do some soul searching and hard praying to a higher power (no, not to "Putin").  

"So you folks think you're getting married inside this church today?", Obama was overheard asking. "VETO!," he shouted, scaring the little flower girl and causing her to burst into tears.

"There are going to be some areas where people disagree with me," obama understated later. "But I haven't used the veto pen very often since I've been in office, but this was one of those times where I've got to pull that pen out. If you don't believe me, try getting an ice cream or a cone of shaved ice at the stand down the street later."

The new bride was upset, but otherwise understanding. "Who are we to get in the way of our selfless president when he wants to humble himself in prayer petitioning for this country and asking forgiveness for the absolute mess he's made of everything?"

The new groom wasn't as accommodating. "Who plays through a church wedding? It's not like we were crazy enough to plan on getting wed on the 16th tee box at Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course on Oahu, Hawaii near Obama's vacation retreat during Christmas week," he argued. "That'd be like climbing a tree in a lightning storm."

...and that's when I woke up slumped at my desk in the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios, my cheek in a cooling pile of my own drool.
Obama in church? Of course I had been dreaming. I looked up at my computer screen and read the actual article headline:

Soldiers Relocate Wedding to Accommodate Obama's Golf Game

The couple reportedly ended up moving to a lush site overlooking the 16th hole, which one of the wedding planners said was more secluded and prettier anyway.

Well, perfect! What an excellent venue for a couple to exchange vows promising everlasting love and a lifetime commitment, all the while ducking errant golf balls and brief interruptions while passers-by urinate in the fairway lined shrubbery.

At least the president called the bride to apologize, and joked with the groom saying, "Don't do anything later that I wouldn't do!" "What, like snort a few lines of 'coke' and frequent a gay bathhouse?," answered the groom.

OK, I might have made that last part up. It's the 'journalist' in me when I do that.

Still reeling from the  “hilariously bad” optics this has caused the president, he ordered thousands of tourists evacuated from Waikiki Beach and cordoned off with yellow police tape. When asked why?, he simply stated that Michelle had planned to put on a bikini and head down to the beach later.

"Talk about bad optics," obama stated. "Trust me! Nobody needs to see THAT!"

Saturday, December 27, 2014

President George H.W. Bush in "Twas the Night AFTER Christmas"

Former U.S. President George H.W. Bush, 90, spent a  fourth straight night in a Houston hospital for observation, after complaining of a shortness of breath this past Tuesday.

The first thought that occurred to me after reading this was how sad it must be to have to spend Christmas in the hospital. H.W. Bush "41" was never my favorite president (that would be his predecessor), but unlike the current occupier in the Oval Office, 41 is a war hero and a man of honor and integrity. I have little doubt that, even at 90 years of age and wheelchair bound, he would easily whoop obama.

The next thought that occurred to me, knowing 41's obsession with parachuting at his advanced age, can best be expressed with the following poem titled, "Twas the Night After Christmas." It is a purely 100% original poem, and any similarity to a famous Christmas classic is strictly coincidental.

TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS (at Houston Methodist Hospital)

Twas the night after Christmas, when all through Houston Methodist
Not a doctor was stirring, not even a specialist.
The I.V.s were strung by the patients with care,
In hopes the saline bag soon would drip there.

The children in pediatrics were nestled in pneumatic beds,
While visions of going home danced in our heads.
With my head in a bandage, my arm in a cast,
I just settled in for a drug-induced nap.

When out in the ward there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
Tripped in my slippers and re-opened my gash.

The LED lighting on the newly-waxed tiles,
Reflected and worsened my migraine so vile.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh... no wait, it's a wheelchair.

With a little old rider, so mirthful and fun,
I knew right away it must be Bush 41.
More rapid than eagles his pursuers did chase,
As he wheeled his chair and by name he debased!

"Now Barbara! now, Jeb! now, Georgie and Laura!
Now Cheney! and, Baker!, Sununu and Quayle!
Into the elevator to the hospital roof! to the edge of the railing and over the wall with a poof!
Now BASE jump! BASE jump! BASE jump away all!"

I watched him sail past my window in a backless gowned wingsuit,
His presidential bum wrinkled like dried fruit.
As he sailed past my floor, he passed gas like a balloon that's been punctured,
I knew it wouldn't be prudent to open my window at this juncture.

I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he flew out of sight,
"Read my puckered lips you jack@$$ obama, let's see you do this!"

Thursday, December 25, 2014



Saturday, December 20, 2014