Chattering Teeth

My Daily Haiku with my Barbie collection

2012-01-27T10:16:00.003-05:00

I call this one...
"Lather rinse and repeat":

Life is rock and roll
Sisyphus Vesuvius
Pyroclastic flow

Discuss.

If you're like me, you are a middle-aged male who likes to discuss politics and pop culture with his collection of Barbies. They all come from a diverse background of varying plastic-based vinyl molds, so it's usually a lively debate. As I tell them repeatedly, it doesn't matter the size of your colorful wardrobe or the value of your accessories, especially when you're at the bottom of a pitch black sock drawer.

So I lined them up on the window sill this morning and read them my Haiku.

At first, they just sat there in stunned silence, staring back at me through souless, painted eyes.

Pictured (left to right): My 1959 original Barbie, S&M Barbie, Earring Magic Ken and my tattoed-up Tokidoki

I take another pull from my brown bag as I wait, and the silence is finally broken.

Ken: I think it means that life is awesome. You know... sex, drugs and high-energy rock and roll!

Tokidoki: Since Haikus are Japanese poetry and I am the only Japanese inspired doll, I think I am the most qualified here to do the interpretation.

Ken: OK. And?

Tokidoki: (pause) I got syphlis once from a tat needle.

S&M Barbie: He said "Sisyphus", not "syphlis" ho.

1959 original Barbie: If I remember my Greek Mythology correctly, Sisyphus was a king who ticked off the gods, so his punishment involved having to roll a large boulder up a hill only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity.

Ken: I didn't study Geek Monopoly, but I would think being named Sisyphus was punishment enough. At least he wasn't forced to listen to Miley Cyris' "The Climb" in a continuous loop on his iPod. Not even the gods could be that cruel.

S&M Barbie: Hey! I like that song!

Ken: Try Boston's "Satisfied" instead. (starts to sing) "You gotta have a little rock 'n' roll music to get you through the stormy weather... cuz Win or lose, it's alright... nothin's gonna help you more than rock and roll."

1959 original Barbie: Be quiet and learn something. In 1942, a gentleman by the name of Albert Camus had a philosophical essay published titled, "The Myth of Sisyphus." In it, Camus argues that Sisyphus symbolizes "man's futile search for meaning" and concludes with this: "The struggle itself...is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

Tokidoki: So basically Hannah Montana had it about right. It is the climb.

Ken: Talk about a "man's futile search". At least Sisyphus wasn't unemployed in the Obama economy. Maybe that's where the volcano in the Haiku comes in.

I hear a car pull into the driveway. "Back in the sock drawer people!"

The Secular Grinch

2012-01-15T09:47:00.001-05:00

He HADN'T stopped Tebow from Tebowing! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes, or bags!

He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore. Then the secular Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Tebowing, he thought... doesn't come from a score. Maybe Tebowing, perhaps... means a little bit more!

Woman hit with tacos during argument in Flint

2012-01-09T12:15:00.003-05:00

Think outside the pun

FLINT, Michigan — A woman was struck with tacos Thursday after getting into an argument with her child's father in Flint, according to a police report.

The woman called police around 4 p.m. after the man began arguing with her while they sat inside her vehicle outside a residence.

During the argument, the man threw tacos at the woman before taking her black purse and exiting the vehicle. The man then allegedly grabbed a brick and threw it through the driver's side window before fleeing to an unknown location.

The Flying Taco
All I have to say is "FOOD FIGHT!!!" I thought tomorrow was "Taco Tuesday"?

Somehow, I don't think that throwing Tacos would slow down a charging Michael Moore, Flint's most famous native son.

Great comments from fellow Flintoids!

"When they take this taco from my cold dead hand!"
When they outlaw tacos, only criminals will have tacos.

Hopefully they were soft tacos

Lettuce get to the meat of the matter here...

Never bring a taco to a chalupa fight.

Children of the Corn

2012-01-03T11:37:00.004-05:00

In an attempt to shrug off his expected poor showing in today's Hawkeye Cauci, Republican Presidential hopeful Jon Huntsman was quoted last week as saying, "They pick corn in Iowa."

Armed with a disposable cell phone and an Iowa phone directory, I decided to put his allegations to the test.

Shock Mock Poll Results:
When Iowans were given a choice between A random generic ear of corn or Jon Huntsman, they "picked corn" 5 to 1. Huntsman was also outpaced by write-in candidates, an arrogant carrot and punch-drunk bunch of grapes.

In a retraction attempt, Huntsman tries a final appeal to Iowans:

"Corn is the fruit of the sea... err, I mean vegetable of the fields. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, corn muffins, corn bread, corn-kabobs, corn creole, corn gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried creamed corn. There's corn casserole, corn salad, corn holios, pepper corn, corn soup, corn stew, corn and potatoes, corn pancakes, corn mash. That- that's about it."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2011-12-25T10:57:00.002-05:00

For 2,000+ years in a row...

Merry Christmas!

Endorsement Alert! Newt Gingrich's coat button

2011-12-18T20:23:00.001-05:00

It stands the best chance of taking out Obama.

Radioactive Metal from Iran

2011-12-17T08:21:00.003-05:00

This is not what I mean by "radioactive metal"...
Pictured: "Ayatollah Ali 'ZZ Top' Khamenei", supreme leader and lead guitarist - and Mockmood "straggle beard" Ahkmadeenadude, lead singer and president of the band The Hidden Imams.

I read a lot of fiction and have an overactive imagination, so when I read a news blurb about Russian customs agents at Moscow's main airport seizing an Iranian attempting to smuggle radioactive material disguised as pencils onto a flight to Tehran, my "Uh-oh geiger counter" starts to spin.

Highlight quotes from the article:

* It was not immediately clear if the substance could be any use to Iran's controversial nuclear program.

* The pieces contained Sodium-22, she said, a radioactive isotope of sodium that could be produced in a particle accelerator.

* Kelly Classic, a health physicist at the United States' renowned Mayo Clinic, said: "You can't make a nuclear bomb or dirty bomb with it."

* Another expert, Michael Unterweger, group leader for the radioactivity group at the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology, said it can be used as a calibration source for radiation instrumentation.

Unterweger said "it's really strange" that so much Sodium 22 was in the luggage, but if he were the Russian authorities "I wouldn't worry about it."

An Iranian caught trying to smuggle a suitcase full of radioactive materials DISGUISED as pencils into Tehran, and we should assume it's purpose is innocuous and not worry about it? I believe Mr. Unterweger will immediately draw Obama's interest for the newly created position of Iranian Apologist Czar. What a doofus!

Listen, I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I have no idea what Sodium-22 is, or what the Iranians were intending to use this for, but I will most certainly worry about it. I will, however, go out on an olive branch limb and assume this material is not bound for a really busy Iranian dentist in need of a warehouse full of calibration equipment. Give me a break!

Using my imagination and wild speculation, could this sodium-22 stuff be used for the purpose of throwing off nuclear forensics AFTER an explosion??

Nuclear forensics, the analysis of nuclear materials recovered from either the capture of unused materials, or from the radioactive debris following a nuclear explosion, can contribute significantly to the identification of the sources of the materials and the industrial processes
used to obtain them. In the case of an explosion, nuclear forensics can also reconstruct key features of the nuclear device.

In other words, instead of launching a nuclear weapon at Israel from their homeland and guaranteeing a devastating response, could Iran smuggle a nuclear truck bomb into Tel Aviv and somehow cover their "footprints" by using this Sodium stuff and maybe frame Russia as the plutonium source?

Instead of hand-wringing apologists assuming the best intentions of the terrorist Iranian regime and president Mockmood Ahkmadeenadude, we need to face the hard reality that they are building nuclear weapons and will use them on Israel AND US just as soon as they are ready. He has stated as much.

Obama's Christmas Booze (a Chattering Teeth song parody)

2011-12-12T18:00:00.002-05:00

I am aware I may be committing a blogdemeanor by taking a shortcut and posting the following song parody. It's just that my wife really likes this song (and I don't) so when it comes on the car radio, I keep myself amused by singing my alternate lyrics in my head.

Sung to the tune of The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a wild-eyed man pacing anxiously
Mumblin' sounds like hobos do
And in his hands he held a bottle of booze.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
When it came time to pay for his liquor
I couldn't believe what I heard him slur

[Chorus:]
Sir, I want to buy this booze, because of Obama, geeez!
It's Christmas Eve and this booze is just my size
Could you hurry, sir, cuz there's not much time
You see I've been unemployed for quite a while
And I know this booze will make me smile
And I want to get wasted in case Obama is on TV tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "DaBlade, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and his bloodshot eyes looked at me
He said Obama made Christmas suck at our house until the sheriff forced us out
"A job... a house... a retirement lose
Somehow I've got to buy me this Christmas booze"

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his stubbled face when he said
On Obama's TV face I will urinate

[Chorus:]
Sir, I want to buy this booze, because of Obama, geeez!
It's Christmas Eve and this booze is just my size
Could you hurry, sir, cuz there's not much time
You see I've been unemployed for quite a while
And I know this booze will make me smile
And I want to get wasted in case Obama is on TV tonight

[Bridge:]
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of democrat's "love"
As he thanked me and stumbled out
I knew that God had sent this unemployed
To remind me just what the coming election is all about

Fact check. I used a little artistic license here. While it's true that Mrs. DaBlade and I lost our house to foreclosure last year after we both were laid off, we vacated said domain many days before the sheriff knocked. We are doing fine now though, living in a house we traded in our 401k for. Ah well. What's a retirement anyway? Mrs. DaBlade is now gamefully employed, and I'm getting some work here and there while I look for something more permanent. Oh, and DaBlade certainly isn't drinking his troubles away as described by my caricature in the parody. While not a tea-totaler, I can't even remember the last time I had an adult beverage (not counting the Blood of Christ at Sunday mass). Finally, as for the TV, I'm blaming the dog.

Mitt Romney loses fortune in a series of ill-advised $10,000 wagers

2011-12-11T19:28:00.005-05:00

FLASH FORWARD: ONE DAY IN 2013

ASSOCIATED PRESS - After losing the Republican presidential nomination for the 2012 election, Mitt Romney seemingly fell off the face of the Earth. He wasn't heard from until he was discovered panhandling this week on a back street in Massachusetts holding a cardboard sign with a hand-written advertisement that read:

"I HAVE A GOD GIVEN GIFT OF JOB CREATION IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR BUT HAVE FALLEN ON HARD TIMES. $10,000 WOULD BE APPRECIATED. GOD BLESS!!"

Romney, currently homeless, was reportedly worth about $200 million up until losing the 2012 nomination. He says he made 20,000 bad wagers in a row but felt his luck was changing.

Meanwhile, President Gingrich continues to restore America...

Mysterious object near Mercury identified!!

2011-12-08T19:02:00.002-05:00

The Mysterious planet-sized object spotted near Mercury created a firestorm of speculation on the internet that it belonged to a cloaked alien spaceship. Engineers at Chattering Teeth have determined, however, that it is only Santa, so you can go back to sleep.

Kinda cool though, eh?

Play that funky music Romney!

2011-12-08T07:18:00.002-05:00

In keeping with the Peanuts theme from my last post, and the Romney camp's demands to Chattering Teeth for equal time, we have this (Caution: very rough photoshop job and not nearly as nice as the faked obama birth certificate)

WOODSTOCK: "Free Bird!"

Speaking of Romney and music, you did hear that he has chosen Kid Rock's "Born Free" as his presidential campaign theme song, right? It's unknown if the Obama camp will choose Rock's "Devil without a Cause". I kinda like "American Bad Ass" for Gingrich.

It's A Charlie Brown Primary!

2011-12-06T17:00:00.002-05:00

Shocking GOP endorsements!

2011-12-05T20:19:00.003-05:00

Donald Trump has made his decision...

It's Aussie!

This may explain Donald Trump's hair

You certainly can't argue with algebraic topology.

And now for the Dan Quayle endorsement:
"I like Mitt Romneye. Or is it Roemnee?... Rhomnoe?"

freefromeditors: A geezer photo outside the soon-to-be former Flint Journal building

2011-12-04T08:32:00.000-05:00

freefromeditors: A geezer photo outside the soon-to-be former Flint Journal building

FOR SALE: Slightly used newspaper press

2011-12-04T00:04:00.003-05:00

A couple weeks ago I ran a blog obit of the old Goss letter press that tirelessly chugged out Flint Journals for half a century(ish) until it's retirement in April, 2004 (and currently being dismantled). The old boy was replaced with a shiny new, state-of-the-art offset Regioman press from the German manufacturer MAN Roland.

PICTURED: About half of the then Flint Journal staff in April, 2004, pose with the new press. I uploaded picture to my personal golf league website to avoid blogspot resizing. Clicking the picture will take you there and allow you to expand. I'm at 57,27 (row,column).

Sadly, most of these folks have been let go in the newspaper meltdown. The shiny new press will be mothballed in early February, 2012, as printing duties will be taken up by Valley Publishing, joining and sharing this press with sister pubs Bay City Times and Saginaw News.

As I stated to my Facebook friends, we have always been told the capital investment for the new press above was roughly $30 million. From it's start (April, 2004) to finish (February, 2012) it will have produced approximately 2,343 issues, costing $12,804 per issue in depreciation. (yes, I rounded on some days but this is close enough for me)... For comparison, the old Goss depreciated at $.0005 per issue. (OK, that last figure was totally made up, but if we are left with getting news from blog sites - this is the risk you run :)

By the way, join me on Facebook. You know who I am.

Lots of statistics being thrown around today, but do they tell the whole story?

2011-12-02T09:34:00.003-05:00

For example, we learn that 20% of cell calls to 911 are "butt dials", but did you know that 99% of those originated from Barney Franks basement?

OPERATOR: "911, What's your emergency?"

ANON PAGEBOY: "Yes, I'm in Barney Frank's basement and I need a Gastroenterologist and the jaws of life, STAT!"

Of course, the most anticipated statistic today was the jobs number. The government is reporting that the unemployment rate slid to 8.6 percent in November. Of course, this number works like a golf handicap for the mainstream media, so we will just round that puppy down to an even 8%, whaddya say?

I can hardly contain my giddiness when I read that:
"...the "real" unemployment rate, which counts discouraged workers, also took a steep fall to 15.6 percent from 16.2 percent."

This number has no effect on the unofficial unemployment rate here at the rapidly deteriorating Chattering Teeth office, which by last check still stands at 100%. I say "unofficial" because, since I don't collect any UE benefits, I don't count.

Rejoice! The additional 278,000 Americans added to the unemployment figure is offset by the 315,000 who simply quit trying. Sounds like a reason to party to me! Obama's class warfare and several $Trillion in deficit spending seems to be working! How about another 4 more years to finish us off!

Men's Health measured suicide and unemployment rates, as well as antidepressant usage to calculate the happiest and saddest cities in America

A little shocked to see Detroit lose out to St. Petes, this year's number one saddest city. We here in Flint, MI look to Detroit as our rich big brother and am wondering why we Flintoids didn't make the list. Maybe it's because the good folks at Men's Health are measuring antidepressants and not crack use. Or maybe Michael Moore's net worth from the lofty peaks of the 1% have skewed these numbers.

Ah well, gotta go. My crack pipe is calling me.

Just how tall IS Herman Cain's wife?

2011-12-01T10:12:00.005-05:00

PICTURED: Serial female height comparer, Herman Cain, caught in the act yet again demoralizing a ~~democrat operative~~ poor and unsuspecting female, and creating a hostile work environment. Just how many stature abused women are out there thinking, "I don't want to relive being told I was the same height as his wife!"

PICTURED: Texas Governor Rick Perry tells Chattering Teeth that there have been three women so far that have claimed to be the same height as Herman Cain's wife, Gloria. "Three weeks ago Sharon Bialek became the first height accuser... Most recently, a gal by the name of Ginger White from Atlanta has come forward with assertions that, off and on for the last 13 years, she has occasionally been as tall as Gloria. That other gal in the middle... What's her name? I can't think of the third one. I can't. Sorry. Oops!

Perry then took a shot at arch rival Mitt Romney:
"And Mitt, you lose all of your standing from my perspective because you hired illegals in your home, and you knew that at least one of the females was of the approximate height as your wife."

Romney: "I told my staff that I'm running for office, for Pete's sake. I know I'm Mormon and all, but I can't have illegals working for us who stand as tall as Ann."

Meanwhile, Evangelical Christian Richard Land posted an open letter to Newt Gingrich demanding he explain what his problem was with the height of his first two wives. "He owes all woman of similar height an apology."

PICTURED: Yao Defen from China stands at 7'9" and is the tallest living woman, as recognized by Guinness World Records. Investigative reporters here at the plush Chattering Teeth news room have made numerous calls to Yao regarding allegations that she may be the next woman to come out of her over-sized closet and claim she is the same height as Herman Cain's wife, Gloria. So far, she is unwilling to come forward. I smell a "payoff" mister Cain! What did this "negotiated settlement" cost you in Renminbi sir!?

PICTURED: President Obama addresses reporters at a WH press conference, stating that he has not once compared the height of another woman's tush to that of his wife Michelle's. "For the record though, that bad boy comes up to about here," he stated.

Dear Blog, Today Im going off the rails on a crazy train

2011-11-29T12:53:00.004-05:00

ALL ABOOOOOAAAARRD! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Welcome, blog visitors. Please be advised. Chattering Teeth is a thrilling, high speed, turbulent blog that includes sharp turns, sudden drops and stops. Please secure all hats, glasses, pocket protectors and loose change before embarking. For your safety, please keep your arms and legs within the blog at all times until it comes to a complete stop. In the unlikely event it becomes necessary for this blog to make a water landing, your seat cushion may function as a floatation device.

If you are a democrat, please refer to the picture below for a graphic demonstration on how to engage a seat belt. We know this advanced technology can be frightening at first, especially if you're no Thomas Einstein. Please seek the help of a Republican if you entangle yourself. Enjoy the ride!!!

Speaking of rides, my new favorite TV commercial is that Honda Pilot "Road Trip" spot. It starts out with a family quietly driving down a desolate desert road, Mom and dad in the front seat, 3 girls in the middle and 3 boys in the back seat. The first time I saw this, I expected one of the boys to pull his sister's hair, or the little girl to ask that ageless query, "Are we there yet?" Instead, a male toe head mouths the opening bass notes to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train".

Bumbum. Bumbum... bumbum... bumbum.

On que comes sister with the "Aiyee aiyee aiyee aiyee..." followed by the random African-American lad on ice-in-the-cup percussion. (NOTE: I wonder how mom explained this birth to "dad")

Then dad kicks in with what I assume to be the lead guitar. I say "assume" because dad's hands never leave the wheel. Even as the entire family rocks out, all we get from dad is a sporadic fingertap. Sure, mom and dad get bonus points for the well choreographed rubber chicken necks, but I hold the bar a little higher than this for a random road trip rock out.

I first realized I had a very unique and special gift somewhere in my middle teens. I would lock the door of my room, put on some vinyl Nugent and practice solo for hours, honing my gift until it reached super hero status. Just a boy, his hands and his instrument. I, of course, am talking about my air guitar.

Wiktionary defines the "air guitar" as "An imaginary guitar that a listener to (usually rock) music pretends to play," but it is oh so much more than that! Anybody can pretend to play an imaginary guitar, but only an air guitar ninja can reach through the dimensional fabric of the space-time continuum to grasp and play an instrument not meant for human hands. My name is DaBlade, and I am a master musi-physician of guitar string theory.

I never entered into any contests, nor did I choose to display and share my rare talent with friends and/or family in my early years as the gift blossomed. I didn't want to cheapen my art by Tebowing it for show and profit. Not only that, but my extraordinary ability made me feel different, and so I hid it away for many years. I remember watching my youthful moves in the mirror one day and thinking, "I AM NOT A CIRCUS MONKEY! I AM A HUMAN BEING!"

And so the gift lay dormant for many years.

Then my 3 boys were born, and at this point I knew I owed it to them to train them in this family legacy coded in their DNA, that they might be able to harnass and shackle this power that is their birthright and inheritance. And so, dear friends, as my boys will attest - nary a road trip has occurred where the driver's window hasn't been lowered to allow dad to perform super-human hand-contourting air guitar fretwork on a seemingly invisible guitar with multiple twisting necks of various lengths and otherwordly wood, razor sharp fingerboards and whammy bars inaccessible to all but the most elite. More than once, cars sharing the road would peel to the side when I hit my zone to Skynyrd's Free Bird - mistaking my flashing arm, hand and finger movements for either gang signs or a health emergency. The devil better stay in Georgia.

OZZY OSBOURNE - CRAZY TRAIN
This song strangely compels within me a desire to purchase a redesigned 8-passenger Honda Pilot mini van for the fam... OK, not really. But it does demand a little air guitar action, DaBlade style!!

Step off to the right. Step off to the right please. When the blog stops, step off to the right.

Obama golfs while the 99% suffer

2011-11-27T14:08:00.004-05:00

The following dramatization depicts scenes of chaos and despair. Reader discretion is advised.

I heard someone scream, "INCOMING!," and we dove into the nearest bunker for protection. One second, my friends and I are talking and smiling and enjoying the day. The next second all hell was breaking loose, as the incoming projectiles were crashing all around us. I peeked up to see my friend Mary curled up into the fetal position sobbing, "Why waa waa waa why?," as she rocked back and forth, seemingly to the rhythm of the reports all around her...

The above is a Chattering Teeth dramatization of...
A) A first hand account of Hamas terrorists perpetrating rocket attacks on innocent Israeli citizens.
B) President Obama warms up on the driving range before a round at an undisclosed golf course in the Washington area Friday with his "body man", scattering the pool of reporters with his miss hits.

The correct answer, of course, is "B", as Obama takes in his 30th time golfing this year and the 88th golf outing of his presidency.

Too bad the driving range is not covered by the new state-of-the-art First Divot Deflect System that blankets the actual course. Another stimulus is necessary to fund that degree of coverage.

What? You've never heard of the First Divot Deflect System? It utilizes the advanced technology of the Patriot Missile System. However, unlike the Patriot missile system which is designed to detect, target and then destroy an incoming missile that is typically flying at three to five times the speed of sound - the First Divot Deflect system is designed to detect, target and deflect President Obama's errant golf shots back towards the hole. Compared to the Patriot missile system, the First Divot Deflect System is a much more ambitious feat, challenging engineers and scientists like nothing else since the Manhattan Project.

Here's how it works
Obama's sporadic shots require an elaborate tree-based radar system that locates and measures golf ball location, speed, trajectory, atmospheric fluctuations and ball spin. This data is instantly transmitted via satellite to NASA, where their high-speed computers - normally used in tracking earth-threatening asteroids - are re-tasked to digest, compute and predict where the golf ball would land without diversion, taking into account the numerous expected golf cart and tree caroms.

A measured response is computed that will redirect the ball to the fairway, and the electronic instructions are instantly transmitted back to small fairway-lined air cannons. All of this needs to occur in such a way that will minimize the president's suspicion, since his narcissistic and arrogant personality requires that he truly believe he made these golf shots unassisted.

All of this high-tech hardware and software comes with a hefty taxpayer pricetag in the several $Trillions, a veritable bargain when you consider the cost to this country of a detached and bored Obama with time on his hands.

And now a word from our sponsor...
NEW from Chattering Teeth Toys! Electronic Obama Golf Game!

Abortion Operation the top seller at Chattering Teeth Toys for the third Black Friday in a row!

2011-11-26T09:27:00.002-05:00

Abortion Operation Game
A board game that's fun for the whole ~~family~~ social group of individuals living under your roof! Ages 9 to adult (fetuses through 8 don't get to play - HAHAHA!).

Cavity Sam does not return, as he has apparently run off with a hooker from Vegas. However, Sam's big-nosed ex-old-lady is here, and she is carrying Sam's unwanted tissue mass! Lucky for you that Egocentric Sally has decided it's not real convenient for her to carry this tissue mass to term. Pass the forceps, we're going in!

Yes, this is a partial re-post of my personal favorite blog post ever. Click here to see the original in it's entirety.

Kindergarten Logistics

2011-11-23T12:23:00.002-05:00

I subbed again yesterday at a local K-8th grade Catholic school, this time at the helm of their 6th grade class. Having turned 50 this year, and with the youngest of my three boys now a Junior in high school, the experience reminded me of something I often forget. Namely, the joys of Kindergarten logistics.

It was lunch time, so I began making my way toward the gym, which doubles as the school's cafeteria. Sharing the hallway was the kindergarten teacher, her class lined up behind her single file like a mother duck leading a duckling parade. I stopped and stood idly to the side and watched them pass.

The teacher's goal was to get the children from point "A" (the classroom) to point "B" (the cafeteria). That's logistics.

Now, having led the distribution and customer service functions for a newspaper with a daily goal of getting 100,000+ freshly printed newspapers to individual point B's before they "spoiled", I am somewhat familiar with the concept of logistics. That said, I'm sure the teacher didn't need to consult maps of the school, nor the use of RouteSmart software to determine the fastest and most efficient path from "A" to "B".

At this point I feel it necessary to point out the obvious to you, dear reader, that students are not allowed the use of any personal electronic media while in school. I was never-the-less initially struck by their absense. There were no ipods and ear buds, no cell phones, Bluetooths or Game Boys. Approximately 20 youngsters passing in front of me, and not one of them was checking their Facebook page on an iPad or smartphone. These poor children were left to their own devices, as it were, and efficiency and economy of motion was apparently not a priority for these moving widgets.

Several of the boys were pantomiming as airplanes, zooming and zig-zagging past me with their arms out while making jet engine sounds through pursed lips. A young lady passes, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet while she hums an unrecognizable tune. Another girl is finding the bow in the hair of a classmate fascinating, and the wearer of said bow doesn't seem to mind. Another boy passes walking backwards, never glancing over his shoulder to peak - a veritable collision waiting to happen!

Every passing child was enjoying the moment in leisure inefficiency. Unwinding coils of controlled chaos. Kindergarten logistics.

At this point, for some reason, I thought of a busy intersection in New York at luchtime. A mass of harried businesspeople scurrying this way and that. Some walking with their heads down, opposable thumbs dancing over their Blackberrys in answer to the latest work-related email. Others appear to be talking to themselves, as they speak to a client via Bluetooth hardware clamped on their ear like some 21st century borg. Still others are checking their voicemails the "old-fashioned way" by holding a cell to their ear with one hand while balancing a Starbucks Grande in the other.

All are making their way from point "A" to "B" in the most efficient manner possible. No deviations. No smiles. Expertly avoiding eye contact and any actual human interaction. Adult logistics.

Back to schoolThe children line up to the kitchen window where they receive a flimsy styrofoam plate containing two pancakes and two sausages. From there, they are expected to grab a milk from the cooler before negotiating their way through the salad bar set up in the middle of the gym. Most children opt to balance the milk on their tray between the pancakes and sausages, thereby freeing up both hands to hold said tray. Others try the "milk in one hand, tray in the other" tactic. Both tactics seem to work equally well with the older children, but the superiority of the "two hands on tray" technique becomes apparent by the time the kindergartners demonstrate both.

Did I mention the salad bar? The layout went like this...

* Bowl of lettuce
* Tray of mini muffins
* Containers of cream cheese
* Salad condiments
* Jello
* dressings

A supply chain engineer with a 5-year-old at home will quickly spot the potential raw material faux paus in the above. Sure enough, it didn't take long before a kindergartner made their way to the end of the procurement chain with a tray that contained a muffin smeared with about 6 ounces of cream cheese, topped with about a cup and a half of immitation bacon bits. Is that syrup on his salad? He had a grin on his face ear-to-ear, and I thought to myself, "Why the hell not?"

That's Kindergarten logistics, and I am thankful I was reminded of it. Life is a gift not to be squandered. Not one moment should be wasted in worry over things beyond my immediate control. Why wring my hands together in frustration or ball them into fists of stress when they could be better put to use as airplane wings.

Now if you'll excuse me, there is a donut with maple syrup and my name on it.

Goss Press obit

2011-11-22T06:23:00.004-05:00

e-mail from a friend and ex-colleague from the newspaper...

The Journal pressmen called it "the hole"....the area where the Goss letterpress pounded out millions of copies of The Flint Journal over the years.

Well, the "hole" is almost empty. This month, the scrapping project for the old press will be complete, leaving another void in the pages of newspaper history.

Yes, it wasn't a real person with a sole...but still it's a sad day for everyone who worked, struggled, sweated and loved the old beast that lived in "the hole."

- Ed McGraw

Great pics Ed. Brings back so many memories of those old Goss behemoths. They remind me of a line of large gray elephants. To think these relics were not originally constructed with color ink in mind. They sure made circulation life exciting every day, wondering if the bailing wire, duct tape and chewing gum would hold!

Of course, Thanksgiving has a whole set of great memories. As a 14-year-old carrier delivering 10 papers at a time because that was the maximum number that could fit in a pair of shoulder bag... As a 18-year-old circ clerk loving the extra hours working the night shift in the mailroom, rolling the Thanksgiving edition in the brown paper and glue for motor route throws...

Speaking of painting elephants... (these are not the old Goss presses)

Paper or touch screen?

2011-11-17T07:31:00.002-05:00

I was called in to substitute at a local Catholic K-8 the last two days. A 6th grade boy noticed my Kindle sitting on the desk and asked if I liked it. I told him I loved it. He answered back in apparent total sincerity, "I like paper better".

You hear a lot of strange things out of the mouth's of these 12-year-old crumb-crunchers, but nothing threw me off balance more than that.

GOP Debate Turtle Soup

2011-11-13T10:06:00.003-05:00

Re: The CBS News/National Journal GOP debate on foreign policy. We live in a dangerous world and it is getting "dangerouser". We need a president who can effectively deal with the issues that threaten our national security. Namely...

* What to do about that Mahmoood Ackmadeenadude fella in Iran trying to build a nuclear weapon.

* What to do about Chinese currency manipulation,

* While all reasonable people agree that Attorney General Eric Holder should be water boarded for his treasonous role in the "Fast and Furious" gun-running scheme that led to the death of a border patrol agent, should water boarding be used in any other circumstances with other enemy combatants who possess information critical to our safety and security? Or do you hold Ron Paul's view that it was even immoral for the pioneers to torture their textiles using wash boards.

There is nothing more important than the answers to these, and other questions related to foreign policy. If you are looking for a detailed and substantive analysis on these issues, you may have taken a wrong turn on the information superhighway, as my focus will be about turtles.

I couldn't help but watch the debate through the prism of this recent comment made by Newt Gingrich:

“The bunny rabbit runs by and falls asleep,” he said recently. “The tortoise just keeps coming. So hopefully in this game, Mitt Romney will be the bunny rabbit and I’ll be the tortoise. That would all work out perfectly.”

Newt's recent rising poll numbers certainly back up this comparison. He had another great debate last night, and I am sure this rising poll trend will continue.

“But enough about that. The question that nagged me more than any other of those foreign policy queries above was this (Best read in your head with the voice of barbara Walters): If the Wepubwicans were turtles, what kind of turtles would they be?

Newt Gingrich - Newt likens himself to the tortoise, but based on his snarling and attacking responses to some of the idiotic moderator questions, I'm going with the American Snapping Turtle. Characterized by a massive head and strong jaw, watch your fingers if you get too close! That goes for these turtles too. The Snapper is my personal favorite. Turtle AND candidate. Go Newt!

Mitt Romney - A Red eared slider. They are one of the most common pet turtles. Some pet owners have been know to use a non-toxic paint on the back of their shells to distinguish one from the other. Different colors can project a different pseudo-personality, and the colors can be changed for convenience.

Rick Perry - Box Turtle. A box turtle lives most of its long life in a small parcel of land near its place of birth. This area is known as its home range. Perry will be returning to Texas soon.

Ron Paul - The Eastern Spiny Softshell Turtle. Why use up valuable energy on hardening that exo-skeleton for protection when we are just going to spend our time on sandy or muddy bottoms eating snails?

Jon Huntsman - Pick any Asian turtle species, since Huntsman was the Chinese ambassador for a time. Get it? Same language and vacant stare. These breeds also have soft shells and the Chinese are eating them into extinction. The turtle, that is.

Michele Bachmann - Diamondback terrapin. OK, it's a stretch, but diamonds ARE a girl's BFF, right? Besides, these terrapin nests have been known to produce as many as 23 hatchlings!

Rick Santorum - Loggerhead. No reason, other than I have always wanted an excuse to say "Loggerhead" on this blog. Aside from that, The top shell (carapace) is slightly heart-shaped and reddish-brown. In the right light, so is Santorum's doo.

Herman Cain - Green sea turtle. "Green" as in the only non-politician in the field. That is not necessarily a bad thing. I love Herman. I love pizza. Green turtles inhabit shallow lagoons, feeding mostly on various species of seagrasses (which is not a recommended pizza topping).

BLOG BONUS: A Walt Disney Production

11-11-11 Means Jobs!

2011-11-11T07:38:00.001-05:00

Today's date, as it would hypothetically appear today on overdrawn checks I would write - if I had a checkbook, is 11-11-11. What does that mean, and should I curl into the fetal position and sob uncontrollably just prior to 11:11 AM Central time?

Well, if you're like me... as opposed to what?

I myself am not particularly superstitious, and find no significance with today's date 11-11-11. For example, I've never thrown a pinch of salt over my shoulder after spilling it. Nutmeg works better in staving off evil spirits. I know it's counter-intuitive, but I've tried all the various spices, while then measuring degrees of visitations and voices in my head.

Then again, some numerologists believe you should be afraid. Very afraid!:

In medieval times, numerologists — those who searched for the mystical significance of numbers — believed all numbers had both positive and negative aspects … except for 11. In the words of the 16th century scholar Petrus Bungus, 11 "has no connection with divine things, no ladder reaching up to things above, nor any merit." Stuck between the divine numbers 10 and 12, 11 was pure evil, and represented sinners.

If evil spirits like this number, and 11-11-2011 is unlucky, then you have to figure that 11-11-1111 was really nasty, right?

Historians are in agreement that this was the most boring day out of the most boring year, so go back to sleep. My Mayan calendar is never wrong.

This is only a test!

2011-11-10T10:46:00.002-05:00

Dear Blog,

How was your day?

I know it's been a while seen we met regularly around this digital holodeck of a simulated kitchen table to discuss our days, but I promise to do a better job keeping you updated on the really important issues of the day from here on. I meant it before when I said that "You... complete... me" in my Paperboy's tale of unrequited love back in January, 2010. For the record, I take a contrarian view to singer, song-writer and part-time philosopher Lee Ann Womack, and hope that you do not dance.

Like most afternoons, I find myself curled up on the couch and wrapped in a comforter, drinking warm milk and eating popcorn while tuned to the Weather Channel (after retrieving the remote from my son's 3-month old German Shepherd's water bowl). With my boys at school and the wife off to work, Koda is the only other warm body around, so it is left to me to train her. I will break her of her many idiosyncrasies just as soon as I become fluent in German.

For future reference, if she hears the command "Ya vol", she will offer her paw to shake. I believe she is just pre-occupied with the current economic crisis in Europe.

Yesterday was apparently a day of failure, and I am not even counting my daily unproductive scouring of the job boards in search of Flint area employment. For those few of you in these parts who were not in front of your TVs watching the Weather Channel at 2PM yesterday, you will be shocked to learn that the planned Emergency Broadcast test didn't go so well.

My attention level was at a fever-pitch as the weather jockey stated coverage was NOW breaking away for this 30-second test message. The screen went dark for a moment, and my rapid-fire popcorn ingestion picked up speed in anticipation. What appeared a moment later was a weather map of the United States with unexplained squiggly lines interspersed with block letter "L"s and "H"s.

Had this been an actual emergency, I take solace in the fact that I will know the 5-day forecast on judgement day.

It could have been worse. I found out later that some DIRECTV subscribers were subjected to a clip of Lady Gaga's song "Paparazzi". This did not happen to me, and for that I am thankful and feel that my local cable carrier and the Weather Channel should be commended.

Speaking of failures, there is that painful-to-watch 53 seconds of stuttering
by Texas Gov. Rick Perry in the GOP debate last night, when he was grasping for a coherent thought. This would have been an excellent time for him to break out in song with his version of Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi". Not only would this have been a great save, he wouldn't have looked crazy at all standing so close in proximity to Ron Paul.

BTW, I read that Reggie Love, a key member of the Obama "posse", was bolting from the White House. No reason has of yet been given for his departure. If I had to guess, I'm betting there was a little in-fighting between Love and Obama's top fluffer - a story I broke here.

Maybe Obama has re-tasked "Buddy" love as the new Emergency Broadcast System Czar in order to get to the bottom of this latest test failure. I think we all can agree this should take precedent over some namby pamby White House subpoena to release Solyndra documentation. What's a loss of a measely $500 Million of tax-payer dollars from a fake green company to bankruptcy when we have a rampant Lady Gaga problem in this country.

And finally, I was saddened to read this status update on Facebook from an ex-colleague of mine:

"My garbage can of 15 years blew away tonight. Seems like a long time to have a garbage can"

I offered him what comfort I could in commenting:
"I'm sorry for your loss. You didn't judge it by it's rough exterior shell, rather, by the contents of it's innards... I'm gonna spend more quality time with my can starting today."

But don't worry Blog. This will not take away from our time together.

Sincerely,

DaBlade

KODA!... Where's the remote!?

The Pledge of Allegiance Convenience

2011-11-09T11:42:00.003-05:00

Effective February 2, 2012, home delivery subscribers of The Grand Rapids Press, Kalamazoo Gazette, Muskegon Chronicle, and Jackson Citizen Patriot will have their delivery schedules cut from 7 days to 3 days per week. This plan is a bit different from what was done on the east side of the state with the Bay City Times, Saginaw News and Flint Journal back in June, 2009, and using the MLive Media's FAQ page - I will clarify some of these differences.

3) Q: What will happen to my subscription to my local paper?
A: All subscriptions with the exception of Sunday Only customers will automatically be converted to the new 3-day home delivery and 7-day electronic service. “Sunday Only” subscriptions will remain Sunday only.

"Wait just a minute!," you might be thinking. "Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!"

That's right! You'll be BETTER off! You see, Mr. and Mrs. Core Subscriber, you currently only receive ONE paper per day, for a total of 7 measely copies per week. Come February of next year, you will receive 3 print newspapers AND 7 e-editions (one per day of exact electronic replicas, complete with the same typos, misspellings and clunky story jumps to which you have grown accustomed) for a total of TEN "papers" per week!

This e-edition represents one of the differences I eluded to in the above. When delivery frequencies were cut on the east side of the state, we did not yet have an e-edition in place to back-fill the lost publication days and allow us to "count" these e-editions as "paid" copies with the Audit Bureau of Circulation.

The biggest difference in strategies, however, is the decision on the west side to print and distribute single copy editions to selected stores and gas stations on the non-home delivery days. This is more in line with what was done in Detroit with the News and Free Press, and a strategy I had wished we would have been allowed to do in the east. (Tuesdays have since been added back, and I expect the other days will follow suit shortly).

Why? Because there is revenue to be had with single copy as opposed to home delivery. For example, the newspaper carriers for the Flint Journal had to drive almost 7,000 miles per day collectively to deliver to every subscriber in Flint, Genesee County and the portions of the surrounding 6 counties of the distribution footprint. Let's assume each vehicle achieved 20mpg (if you were ever in the backyard while trucks were loading, you know I'm being generous here). Let's further assume the price of fuel per gallon is $3.50 for the sake of easy math. Fuel costs with those numbers in a 7-day delivery model comes to just over $447K per year (not counting vehicle maintenance expenses). Yes, carriers are independent contractors who have to use their own vehicles and buy their own gas. But if enough money is not built into their rates for these purchases, how long would they deliver do you think? Single copy, however, has minimal delivery expenses with their bulk drops, making for almost pure profit to the company.

"How much," you ask?

Let's say that the retail price of a daily single copy edition is a buck, and the company pays a dime per copy to the distributors that plop them in bulk at the stores. Let's further assume sales of about 15,000 copies per day for these daily editions. That equates to a profit of $2.8 Million annually to the company (90 cents * 15k sold * 4 daily editions * 52 weeks) LESS Dealer, production and other costs associated with printing these 16-page newsletters, still leaving a healthy profit.
You might be asking yourself, "If that's true, then why didn't the east side immediately print single copy editions for the other four days?"

To answer this, you have to travel back... waaaay back to the days of the infamous Newhouse job security pledge. A pledge that Advance Publications repealed on February 5, 2010 - one day prior to my February 6, 2010 layoff coincidentally. Weird.

If my memory serves, the pledge went something like this:

"We provide job security to all full-time, salaried employees who are not covered by a collective bargaining agreement. This means that no full-time, salaried employee will lose his job because of new equipment, technological advances or lack of work. Once you have satisfactorily completed a probationary period, you will become a permanent employee. Then, this unique job security pledge applies to you as long as you continue to perform your assigned tasks satisfactorily, do not engage in misconduct and this newspaper continues to publish."

The link above falsely quotes that the pledge "applied only as long as the newspaper 'continues to publish daily in its current newsprint form.'"

Not to put too fine a point on this, but the caveat after "continues to publish" was added after the fact (if my memory serves).

Don't worry! I didn't lose my place. To answer the question above regarding why Flint didn't produce single copy editions for the four lost home delivery days, it is my understanding that the revenue left on the table was worth the talking points that could be used in court if the breaking of the pledge were challenged. A touchy subject the west side need not concern itself with, apparently.

But I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

To be continued...

The latest from our Daffy president

2011-11-09T08:26:00.002-05:00

You're fed up, Mr. President? We have to deal with YOU every day!

I couldn't think of a cartoon character to represent Joe Biden's own open mic gaffe that was more ridiculous than the man himself. Any ideas?

Budweisersaurus

2011-11-08T07:13:00.002-05:00

Re: Asteroid 2005 YU55
Scientists will be tracking an asteroid the size of an aircraft carrier as it flies by Earth tonight at 6:28PM Eastern.

I located this asteroid last night while drinking beer and playing with the kid's telescope in the backyard. I spotted a herd of dinosaurs living on this satellite. Not sure why this isn't being covered by the mainstream media, but I really found it strange.

Phone call bookends from father and son

2011-11-07T14:14:00.003-05:00

UPDATE: I had meant to link "that Smith character " to his Free From Editors Blog. Only fair, considering all the traffic he is sending here. Obviously fixed now. Thanks Jim!

It was one day in October, 2005, when the publisher for the Flint Journal called my desk phone and asked me to come up to his office...

By that time, I had been the Circulation Manager (CM) for a little over 4 and a half years. As CM, I was second-in-command in the department, and the Circulation Director (CD) I worked for was the finest gentleman and brightest administrator I have ever had the pleasure of calling boss. As I look back on it, anything I did right I owe in part to his leadership and mentoring. I also might add that I had (and still have) the greatest respect and similar warm fuzzies for this publisher. They demanded nothing short of your absolute best, and held you accountable, but both did it in such a way that inspired loyalty and desire to give them nothing less. Both of these fine gentlemen retired just prior to Flint's conversion to a 3-day publication in June, 2009. Now as CM, I had been given full reigns over leading the distribution and customer service efforts of the department. Exceptional customer service is a total team effort, and I couldn't be more proud of the dedication and professionalism of that team. We must have done "OK", based on the findings from MORI, an independent market research company, who stated they were "blown away" by our customer's responses in rating satisfaction levels. In fact, this company stated we ranked a very close #2 in customer service out of all the newspapers they researched across the country.

...Long story short(ish), I was offered a promotion to CD, as my boss was being moved upstairs into an expanded building-wide administrative role. I remember counting in my head the 5 other CDs I had worked for up to that point and quickly realized (not counting my immediate predecessor) that the job "life span" of those CDs was a very short few years. While I can't say that I knew the severity and speed with which the business would melt down, I did recognize treacherous waters were ahead, but I had confidence in my abilities, coupled with my belief that when the time came for my departure, the company would reward my efforts for leading the vanguard charge up the hill. So like a dummy, I accepted.

Reader's digest version of my tenure as CD.
2006 Publisher mandate: Grow circulation and do it now!
Circulation response: In 2006, daily and Sunday home delivery averages realized year-over-year gains, reversing decade-long trend of negative growth. 2006 was the second year in a row of daily home delivery growth. In Flint.

2007 Publisher mandate: Ad revenue is tanking, so you need to re-invent circulation and slash expenses now!
Circulation response: Saved almost $350,000 (not including salaries, wages, and commissions) during 2007 and doubled again the following year. Revenue growth and expense savings led to more than doubling the Circulation contribution margin (from 15.7% to 40%) over 3 years.

2008 Publisher mandate: The owners have weighed in. Build a 3-day and a 2-day model from the ground up - with no historical data or models to guide you. I need a complete revenue and expense budget, complete with a departmental re-structure, subscription pricing, new trucking and distribution costs. Do it without help to retain secrecy so that Smith character doesn't get wind. Oh, and have it on my desk next Monday.
My response: Well, except for the department re-structure, you've seen the rest. It was pretty much to a "T" what I put together over that weekend.

As for the departmental re-structure, I was originally given no goals for FTE absorption. I can't remember the exact number I submitted, but it was something like an absorption of 3 full time positions. I felt like this would make us as skinny as possible while still being able to achieve the levels of customer service we had always demanded. I plead guilty to trying to save as many full time positions as possible.

The publisher was not happy. "If you were starting a distribution department from scratch, you wouldn't submit THIS plan!," he said.

I agreed, and responded, "these aren't FTEs on a spreadsheet to me. They are my friends."

He slid the folder back to me and simply said "re-do it. This time do it with part time positions."

Fast forward to March, 2009. I was charged with calling in the full time staff of district managers individually to communicate their future lay off date and present them with their separation papers. I originally balked and told my boss that I wouldn't do it.

"I grew up with these people. They're my friends".

My boss empathized with me and I knew he felt the same way. He told me that my refusal wouldn't stop this from happening, and all it would accomplish would be a pre-mature end to my career while they found someone else to swing the axe. "Besides," he stated. "It is better they hear this news from someone who cares about them."

I grabbed onto that last bit of advice like a lifeline. It felt almost bearable believing my motives were somehow altruistic and not selfish job preservation. When I was alone that night, I cried like a baby.

Fast Forward to
June, 2009: Daily delivery discontinued and the 3-day delivery of the Flint Journal was launched. By this time, the publisher and most of the rest of the other executives I had worked elbow-to-elbow with over the last few tumultuous years were gone. "It's time I tried something else," they would say. One at a time through the door, and heck, there was a cake each time! Of course, I know they quietly received the enhanced executive buyout, and I don't care if you don't agree with me - it was well deserved. If you don't understand why I believe this, then I failed in my explanation above.

September, 2009: All the full-time DMs were gone by this time, except for the few taking the part time positions. "By the way, why am I being ignored by the new publisher? All these new faces meeting upstairs secretly, and me with no invitation? Last I knew, I was the CD. I wonder what's up?" I never loved meetings anyway, so I poured my energies into making this new reduced model actually work.

It was one day in late January, 2010, when the new publisher for the Flint Journal called my desk phone and asked me to come up to his office...

I liked his dad's call better. I'm curious to know if any other severed employees from the director ranks in this latest round were demoted without their knowledge - without any communication (neither verbal or official) so the company could avoid the executive buyout (think "original buyout offer made company-wide, with several other "kisses")... or am I still the only one who's desk and red stapler were simply moved to the basement before the axe fell.

To be continued...

Pulp fiction

2011-11-06T09:39:00.002-05:00

Did you know that newspapers were made from recycled pulp fiber?

By the way, clicking the above hyper-link of "recycled pulp fiber" will lead you to the new MLive Media Group team. I hyper-linked "recycled pulp fiber" instead of creating a separate link from the words "Here, take a look at the new MLive Media Group team and worship at their altar of greatness" for expedience sake, and not to make some kind of back-handed insult to this very white collection of media pioneers. Really! That would be a petty cheapshot. As regular readers of this blog knows full well, I am all about being concise and to the point, without throwing around a lot of unnecessary vebosity and rhetorical flourish to make a point. I am not here to waste your time or mine so just stop with the unsubstantiated innuendo and cheap personal attacks!

BTW, I personally have never been in favor of racial quotas and have been a firm believer in the spirit of Dr. King's dream that folks will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. That said, I find it peculiar that there is not one African-American of the 18 team members in MLive's gallery.

On a different and unrelated subject, according to wiki:

Bleaching of wood pulp is the chemical processing carried out on various types of wood pulp to decrease the color of the pulp, so that it becomes whiter. The main use of wood pulp is to make paper where whiteness (...not exactly the same as "brightness") is an important characteristic.

Stay thirsty my friends.

New Distribution Center unveiled by MLive Media Group for Flint!

2011-11-05T11:49:00.002-04:00

The newspaper implosion continues

2011-11-03T08:47:00.011-04:00

More sad news for my friends still in the newspaper business.

Is baby from the Capital One commercial an Occupy Wall Street protestor?

2011-10-18T06:08:00.002-04:00

Evidence that the baby is a hemp-smokin' hippie protestor...

1) Is sitting in his own feces.
2) Is irrational and otherwise incoherent when discussing capitalism and the free market system.
3) Knows that "mommy" or "daddy" will be along shortly to throw that funny man in the suit out of the house (after lifting his wallet and giving it to the baby to chew on)

After further review, the baby can't be an "Occupy Wall Street" protester because...

1) George Soros did not supply the Cheerios.
2) No evidence to suggest the baby is anti-semitic.
3) C'mon! The baby is adorable.

PASS.THIS.DILL.

2011-09-15T09:14:00.000-04:00

If you love me, help me pass this dill right now!

Billionaire sheikh carves his name in desert so big it can be seen from SPACE...

2011-07-20T13:29:00.002-04:00

only to wake up the next day to find he had become the victim of a graffiti artist. Experts are still trying to determine the meaning of the phrase "DaBlade" that was written in letters made from several tons of hummus in place of his creation.

OK, so did everyone in the situation room really need to be there?

2011-05-03T14:56:00.001-04:00

HE IS RISEN!

2011-04-24T08:44:00.002-04:00

Happy Easter to all! I am sooo gonna look like this dude (only chocolate faced!)

Time to get my potato chips on also!

Lessons from a Flintstone

2011-02-17T11:16:00.004-05:00

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "You can say you are from Detroit and you can say you are from Flint. When you say you from Flint even the guy from Detroit gives you respect." - Isiah Thomas

Flintstones take a certain weird pride in our hometown's "down and dirty" reputation. We believe, by virtue of being born here, that we are somehow more street-wise and tougher than you.

As I've mentioned before, I didn't exactly grow up on the mean streets of Flint. In the south end, the only crack I was exposed to were those in the sidewalks of my paper route. However, even those of us Flintoids who were somewhat sheltered growing up in a middle-class neighborhood and attending Catholic schools, we couldn't help but eventually learning some hard life's lessons Flint had to offer.

For those of you not from here, I'd like to offer a few survival skills I learned the hard way.

Yes, I really was thrown out of the back window of a school bus by an upper-classman because I ran out of jokes. Ain't that tough enough? Have you ever heard of this happening anywhere else? I didn't think so.

I learned the hard way that conflicts rarely escalate slowly and deliberately. Prior to the face cast, I always thought a fight couldn't break out until each combatant expressed their intentions. Maybe first there would be a volley of "yo mama" insults, as each sized up the other. This process would allow for numerous exits for the perceived weaker combatant to yield. After all, a bruised honor never requires plastic surgery. Imagine my surprise when I learned that all those steps could be ignored with one unannounced sucker punch, and that one second you could be running across the field playing keep-away during 8th grade recess at Holy Redeemer, and the next instant finding yourself coming to and staring up at the face of a terrified nun.

It was then that I decided to try and avoid fighting as I didn't enjoy hospitals nor vomiting blood. However, if it was going to come to fisticuffs, I would throw the first punch next time. It was a strategy I employed to my benefit a few years later, ending my fisticuffs career (hopefully) with a record of 3-2.

NOTE (regarding exception to rule 2): 2X4s are actually 1.5 inches wide and typically spaced every 16 inches in the framework of walls, taking up about 8% of the total space behind the drywall. Therefore, a randomly hammered nail has a 92% chance of finding hollow wall. If you use an electronic stud-finder and clearly mark the stud's location, I've found the odds of my next nail finding said stud is about 90% (10% less than a random right cross).

Before you ask the obvious, my job required my presence in the projects. I kept that faux-$20 in my desk to remind myself the cost of being gullible. When my job required delivering an open route in the projects, I learned to take a couple extra packs of smokes with me. I would paste an idiotic smile on my face and pass out single cigarretes to anyone who looked at me cross-eyed as I hurriedly made the rounds. Hey, it worked!

Those were some of the lessons I learned the hard way. I'm from Flint... so RESPECT, yo!

Dennis Rodman: Bad Boy and Good Guy

2011-02-14T12:24:00.004-05:00

The Detroit Pistons organization announced last week that Dennis Rodman's #10 jersey would be retired into the rafters of the Palace of Auburn Hills on April 1st, and Dennis has indicated his intention on being there for what he calls "one of the highlights of my life." I, for one, am very much looking forward to this long overdue event, not just because of his stellar career, but also for what he did for one grieving family on a cold Michigan winter afternoon on February 5, 1989.

I have blogged before about losing my younger brother Donnie and his fiancee Marcie to a drunk driver here and here.

Donnie was 23 years old when he was killed in 1988, 23 years ago this July. Hard to believe, when put in those terms. But what I haven't told you about, until now, is what this has to do with Dennis Rodman. You see, in 1988 - long before his five World Championship rings (two with The Pistons and 3 with the Bulls), and before he became known for his rainbow-colored hair, an assortment of tattoos and body piercings and wearing women's clothing - he was simply "The Worm", a young rebounding phenom and original member of the Detroit Piston's Bad Boys. The Piston were coming off of their best season ever to that point, having eventually lost in 7 games to the 1988 World Champion Lakers.

Nobody was looking forward to that next season more than Donnie. He loved the Pistons, but most of all, he loved Dennis Rodman.

Perhaps it's easier if I post the following column that ran on February 8, 1989, in the Flint Journal (re-typed from a yellowed original I keep in a box on a closet shelf). Dean, I realize I didn't get your permission to post this, so just drop me a line if you want me to pull it. I just know I couldn't tell this story better.

Warmest Regards Rodman's reply touches grieving family
By DEAN HOWE
Journal sports writer
Letters can say so much.

Dear Rick:
I know there is nothing I can say to relieve your pain and grief. From what you've told me, your brother was a very special person. Your love for him and all the good memories you still have are obvious.
Your letter reminds us that our time is limited, so we must make the most of it. I try to demonstrate that when I play basketball. I would like to think that's the quality Donnie identified with.
Thanks for sharing those memories with me.
Warmest Regards,
Dennis Rodman

Rick Carlson went to the mailbox and opened up that letter late last month.
He was surprised.
Carlson's younger brother, Donnie, was a loyal fan of the Detroit Pistons, and Dennis Rodman, the Piston's super sixth man, in particular.
All of the Carlson family had looked forward to showing up at The Palace this winter, to cheer on Dennis "Worm" Rodman.
"Donnie couldn't stop thinking about the Pistons and the great year they just had," said older brother Rick. "We were playing golf last July, all us Carlson brothers. Nobody was thinking about basketball except Donnie. He couldn't stop talking about how much fun it would be to go to The Palace this year.
A few days after that golf outing, a tragic accident would take the life of Donnie, 23, and his fiancee, Marcie martin, 21.
A pickup truck ran a red light and smashed into the Carlson vehicle.
Two families mourned and still mourn today.

Dear Worm,
This is no ordinary fan letter. I read recently that you receive so many letters from fans that you have had to have a firm help you answer them. This letter needs no answer. I would only like you to personally see it.
See, it's about my brother Donnie, 23 years old last summer when he died. Don was the youngest of five children... we're a close family. If there is a closer family in the history of the world, I don't know about it...

Rick Carlson needed to write a letter to Dennis Rodman, for his family, for his peace of mind.
He had been thinking about it since Donnie's death. So, early last month he got the courage to sit down and express his thoughts. They were emotional, touching, from the heart.
Seven pages of feeling by pen and paper.
"I didn't want anyone to see this but Dennis," said Rick. "I wasn't looking for a response.This was just so personal to me I had to write it. I was preoccupied at work. I didn't think I'd hear from him."
But Rodman got the message and he responded.
A few days after writing the letter - Carlson can't remember when he sent it out - a call came from Rodman's agent's secretary.
And then came the letter which touched so many deeply in the Carlson family.

P'S. On Sunday, Feb. 5 vs. Chicago on CBS, I will try (technically against NBA rules) to wear a black stripe on one sock in memory of Donnie.

Rodman also said he would provide two tickets for the Carlsons, his guest at Sunday's game against the Chicago Bulls. Rick managed to scrounge up a couple more tickets and when the national television lights brightened The Palace, there were the Carlsons - father Donald Sr., Rick, Jerry and Greg, 15 rows up in the stands.
Watching Dennis do his thing with one black-striped sock.

It occured to me a couple weeks after the accident that I should write and tell you about Donnie. I knew then that this year would have been special for Donnie and that all eyes would be on you. Every time Worm made a play, grabbed a rebound, dunked on a layup, whatever, all of the family would get a tear in the eye, a lump in the throat and pay a quiet tribute to Donnie for his choice as favorite Piston player.
I didn't write then because, as I said before, I don't write fan letters. I thought it might upset you for no reason, thinking you couldn't do anything for our grief. But you can. Just continue to play the same inspired way you have been playing.

The game had been over for almost an hour at The Palace Sunday afternoon when Dennis Rodman emerged from the locker room to seek out the person who had written him one of the many letters he receives in a week.
The letter had left an impact.
Rodman took a father aside shook his hand warmly and spoke in soft tones. He met Rick and shook his hand. The others too.
"It's not so much what he said but what he didn't say that mattered to us," said Carlson. "We could see that he was a genuine, sincere, a feeling kind of human being. We were touched. I think Dennis was too."
Rodman dug into his duffel bag and pulled out one sweaty sock with a black elastic band stitched to the top.
The National Basketball Association would not penalize him for breaking any rules. Only Rodman, a father and his three sons had noticed the stitched tribute anyway.

By writing this letter, I'm going to believe during so many of the special moments watching you play that your inspiration just might be in some small part due to this letter and that some of what you are doing is being done for Donnie and Marcie and those of us left behind.

"I feel better now that I wrote the letter," said Carlson. "I didn't want to make it embarrassing for him. That wasn't my intent. I just wanted to let him know how much Donnie admired him as a basketball player."

Two letters sent in the night.
Perhaps the only two letters ever between new friends, the Carlsons and one pro basketball player.
They have become pen pals for life.

The Pistons went on to win the Championship that year, sweeping the Lakers for their first of back-to-back titles in 1989 and 1990.

Right or wrong, it's my fault this personal story was told. I was so taken with the kindness Dennis showed us, that I thought others should know of this Bad Boy's heart of gold. As an employee of the newspaper, and in a fit of impulse, I took the marbeled stairs up from Circulation to the newsroom. I sought out Howe in the Sports department, sat across from his cluttered desk and told him this story. It never occurred to me that I could be earning Dennis a fine, nor that I probably should have asked my big brother for permission to tell his story he had meant to be private. Thankfully (as far as I know) Dennis avoided punishment and Ricky has never chastised me for doing this to this day.

I'll never forget waiting for Rodman to exit the locker room. Vinnie "the Microwave" Johnson exited first, wearing a full length fur coat, glittering bling and topped with a cool fedora as he made his way through the garage. Rodman must have confided in his fellow "X Factor" partner, John Salley, about us. Salley came out and made his way to Greg and I. His hand was the size of a small snow shovel, as he shook our hands. He looked down at us smiling, and asked, "Are you two twins or did your mom mess up twice?" He must not have spotted Rick at that point or he would have sworn triplets. My most cherished memory of that day was when Rodman finally exited the locker room and made his way to our father, taking him aside and offering his condolences. I know it meant a lot to my dad. He died about a year later. The doctors said it was the result of mesothelioma, a cancer casued by asbestos he ingested some 40 years earlier on a construction job in his youth, but we all know he really died from a broken heart.

So come April 1st of this year, when #10 is raised to the rafters, I know I'll be thinking of my brother "The Donz" and the special gift Dennis Rodman gave us so long ago. It is truly "one of the highlights of my life."

PICTURED: A signed autographed picture by Isiah Thomas driving the basket on Michael Jordan, with Worm and his black-striped sock positioning for the rebound during the February 5th, 1989 game between the Pistons and the Bulls. I was there... (Picture courtesy of my pal Pic Pic)

Super Bowl wrapup

2011-02-07T08:55:00.003-05:00

First, I'd like to offer my congratulations to the Green Bay Packers (or is it Packards?) for their impressive victory over the "Stelers".

Having lived and worked in Wisconsin over the past summer - only a cheese brick's throw away from Lambeau Field - I take special credit for this victory, having moved back to Michigan in the fall and thereby paving the way for the Pack to grab the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Since I am convinced that the world revolves around me, I do not find a coincidence in the Detroit Lion's annual football woes and my presence in this state. You're welcome, my Wisconsin brothers and sisters.

Much is being said regarding Christina Aguilara botching the National Anthem. While sad and unforgivable, one would have to admit that her version was at least slightly better than Roseanne's.

CHATTERING TEETH EXCLUSIVE!: Transcript of Christina Aguilara's bizarre Anthem
Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
Hormones racing at the speed of light
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
But that don't mean it's gotta be tonight
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, If you wanna be with me, baby there's a price to pay,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, I'm a genie in a bottle.
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air Baby, baby, baby,
Gave proof thro' the night you gotta rub me the right way.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
I'm a genie in a bottle baby, come, come, come, on and let me out

I only wish that Snickers would have seen fit to include Aguilara in the log hit.

My favorite Super Bowl commercial had to be this obscure Orville Redenbacher's popcorn ad showing Cameron Diaz feeding a vacant looking Alex Rodriguez with Orville's delicious kernels of puffiness.

What would have made this commercial even "awesomer"? A John Madden telestrating this exchange with circles and graphs and President Bush vomiting in Madden's lap... and maybe a devastating log hit taking out Diaz and ARod.

Finally, what did you think of the Black Eyed Peas halftime show? Had I been consulted in the planning stages, I would have insisted that Axl Rose join Slash on stage to sing Sweet Child o' Mine instead of the Pea's Fergie, conditioned on Axl agreeing to be auto-tuned. Now THAT would have caused a bigger spike in beer sales than any other beer ad that ran.

I will say that I dug the costumes and have already completed my own version using Christmas tubelights and an old bicycle helmet, complete with flashing strobes. I am now ready to attend my neice's March wedding in style.

The Greasy Slope of Mt. Hippie (and me without any crimpons)

2011-01-01T09:38:00.002-05:00

Rarely do I read anything that blows me away quite like Samuel Pennell's New Year's Day piece found on American Thinker titled, Roll Back the Hippie Damage. In it, he accurately describes what ails us - that being a disintegrating traditional American family through the destruction of our culture - perpetrated against us by the "progressive" hippies from the '60's. All the while, this decay is being cheered on by a compliant media and a rationalizing academia.

What do we have to show for 50 years of slipping down the greasy slope of Mt. Hippie without any crimpons? According to Pennell:

"... the whole place (America) is turning into a street corner in San Francisco."

Pennell also briefly wonders what makes these liberals tick, and it is a question I myself have pondered more than any other. Not the socialist democrat politicians. Self-perpetuating power is what motivates them. But what about the average, everyday Obama voter? Are they simply breathtakingly ignorant? Is it possible that their motive is a destruction of our culture because they are hateful? No? If they aren't inherently evil and otherwise just plain stupid, what motivates a lib to be a lib then?

Do they look around at the rising drug use, an epidemic of broken homes and out-of-wedlock births, the over-sexualization of females, an utter destruction and bankruptcy of our economy due to their misguided philosophy they falsely believe helps poor people but really just manufactures more and more of them... do they really see all this as "progress"?

I give up trying to find an answer to that question and understand that I will be perpetually vexed by them. Rather than worry about understanding, it is time for them to simply be defeated. Utterly and convincingly.

Pennell closes with this call to action:

As a conservative, I can say with 1000% certainty that this is not what I want my America to be. This is why I am raging in favor of a conservative revolution in 2011, and I'm convinced that it will happen. I need conservatives to be loud, though-I need your help. I need for everyone speak up as loudly as they can-in public, on the internet-everywhere. Our voices will rise, and we will yell so loudly, that everyone will hear us-politicians, the press, academia-everyone. We will speak so loudly that it will be impossible to ignore, and this country will be ours again. This is still our place, this is still our land, and we can still make it what whatever we want it to be. God bless America, God bless Ronald Reagan 2011.

Time to climb back up that mountain. Why? Because we can.

Chattering Teeth's Alternate Universe - Hey, it could happen! Starring Michael Vick, President Obama (and BO posthumously)

2010-12-28T11:30:00.004-05:00

Obama phones Eagles' owner and offers his praise for giving "the troubled star quarterback a fresh start"

OBAMA: So many people who serve time never get a fair second chance. it's never a level playing field for prisoners when they get out of jail.

So "Ookie" tortured and killed a few dogs from 2001 to 2007. What's the big deal? it's not like he single-handedly destroyed the U.S. economy in two short years, or something. The man deserves another chance to earn a few meager $Million.

FAST FORWARD 6 months...
Michael Vick press conference

VICK: I totally misinterpretted President Obama's comments back in December, 2010. I really thought he was giving me the green light to try my hand at competitive canine cage fighting again. For future reference, neutered Portuguese Water Dogs can't fight for sh*&.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2010-12-25T09:17:00.001-05:00

Dear Blog, It's Christmas Eve and I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet

2010-12-24T11:23:00.002-05:00

I know, I know. That is a popular statement made by numerous males this time of year, whether in casual conversation or as their Facebook profile meant to illicit boisterous insincere laughter. You know the drill... "Plenty of time"... "it's early"... HAHAHA!

It's a truism to say that most men hate shopping while most women love it. Take the Facebook example above. It would not be unusual to see a female with a status update proudly proclaiming, "Just completed my Christmas shopping" sometime in April.

Men are usually the ones who procrastinate. Why? Because they HATE shopping. You never see a male Facebook update stating something like, "I know it's late in the 3rd quarter, but I just haven't gotten around to watching that Super Bowl. Plenty of time... It's early. Call me at the 2-minute warning."

DISCLAIMER: For the record, I know there are exceptions to all generalizations, and I don't mean to imply that those males who love to Christmas shop are somehow great candidates for the new U.S. military.

Blog: So are you one of them procrapinators, or simply an athletiest?

Uhhh... neither (I don't think). I am not "procrastinating" because, unlike Christmas Eve's past, I have no intention of making that last-minute retail run spending money I don't have on crap nobody needs. You see blog, not only have I not started my Christmas shopping, I am done.

As for being an "athletiest", I guess I am, if by that you mean that I don't believe in exercise. However, if you meant "atheist" as in not believing in the reason for the season, than I am completely innocent of this charge. In fact, according to this latest Gallup poll, I am one of the "43.7% of the adult population" considered to be "Very Religious".

Blog: How can that be? Isn't it true that it is better to give than to receive? How can you call yourself a Christian and not participate in this orgy of spending?

If it is better to give than to receive, then wouldn't it be true that I would be doing a disservice to the recipients of my philanthropy for the sole purpose of pleasuring myself in my giving? Wouldn't that be considered selfish?

Blog: I kinda see where you're going with that. But what about the poor?

Are there no prisons? Are there no work houses? Just kidding! Unlike liberal hypocrites who believe in confiscatory "giving" through governmental redistribution - yet who give little or no personal charitable contributions themselves - I do throw alms into the collection plate at church each week. I might add that, since the wife and I were both laid off this year, each dollar we give is coming out of my IRA (batteries, taxes and penalties not yet included).

Blog: What about your kids? Won't they be dissappointed tomorrow to find their stockings empty and the tree giftless?

Who said anything about there being no presents for the kids? I simply stated that I did not participate in any Christmas shopping this year. The lovely wife, however, cannot make this same boast. Of course, this has been mostly true every year. Mrs. DaBlade has always done the shopping - except in year's past, I would make the Christmas Eve dash for her gift.

This year, I looked into her beautiful green eyes, drinking in those pools of peace and tranquility, while she looked into my bloodshot orbs bordering madness nestled above my puffy dark eye bags, and we decided that we wouldn't be exchanging gifts this year due to our economic situation.

I have never enjoyed the Christmas season as much as I have this one.

Last one out please unplug the frayed, duct-taped extension cord

2010-12-22T08:59:00.004-05:00

I've been back in Michigan since late October and I still get an occasional, "Hey, aren't you working in Minnesota or Wisconsin or somewhere?" When I tell them I am back permanently and they ask, "why?" - here is what I tell them.

Think of the "Remember when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor" scene from Animal House. You know the very end where Bluto says, "who's with me? Let's go! C'mon... AHHHH!" and runs out the door solo?

Yeah, that was me.

Speaking of population shifts - According to this AP story:
"(the 2010 census) found the nation's population growing more slowly than in past decades but still shifting to the South and West."

The big winner is Texas, which gets 4 new US House seats While Michigan gets it's very own map color.
Look at the bright side. A lost, red Mitten is easier to find in the snow than a light blue one. I am not exactly sure what I mean by this, but if you scratch your chin and contemplate this metafornalogy thingy's deeper meaning, I'm sure you will find it brilliant.

Hmmm... let's see if I have this straight. If more seats are in fact a good thing... and the number of seats are tied to the population... and the population growth in Texas is related to a "surge of Hispanic residents"... then Michigan just needs to figure out how to attract a surge of Canadians by the next census.

Maybe leave out a case of Red Cap Ale or fry up some back-bacon? That always seemed to attract a protracted visit from my mom's cousin Bill, eh? OK, so some things just aren't worth the price.

So why is Michigan the only state to have lost population (54,000 residents over the past decade), and is that necessarily a bad thing?
First, I'm not sure that I readily accept the premise that Michigan's population balloon is deflating. How accurate are these census numbers after all? It is tough enough for the government to gain the cooperation of law-abiding citizens in these counts (*snicker*) let alone getting an accurate count of your typical islamofacist terrorist or serial killer. They are usual ducking during the head count.

"'Blade, wouldn't this be true wherever they live?"

Sure, but are you presuming an even distribution of al qaeda operatives? I would contend there are more of them here because, hey - where better to blend in?

Then again, I'm seeing a bright side here. Fewer people means more vacant homes. The more vacant homes there are, the more opportunities for me to illegally draw electricity through my frayed, duct-taped extension cord hooked up to an outdoor outlet on the garage of the vacant house next door so that I may power up my life-saving Christmas lights... hypothetically.

DaBlade's WeakyLeaks Part II - for you home Improvement do-it-yourselfers

2010-12-20T15:20:00.003-05:00

Whether you are a young man who is new to home improvement and having just purchased a starter home fixer-upper moneypit, or you are hypothetically a middle-aged man who's home improvement skills have atrophied over the last 10 years due to living in your dream new build that required no maintenance - but you have since lost that house after losing your job of 30+ years as a result of the implosion of the newspaper industry (again, as a hypothetical example) and you downsize to an older home that requires a little TLC, you have come to the right place.

When last we met to discuss home improvement projects,
I went over the installation of 4" aluminum ductwork (as well as the accompanying emergency first aid), and kitchen and bathroom caulking projects (as well as the unexpected caulking of your upper and lower torso).

The first topic on today's agenda is prioritizing your project list. For you married fellas, it is highly recommended that you first consult with your loving spouse as to what she would like accomplished first. In my case, my wife made clear she wanted the clothes dryer vented (check), the above range microwave and dishwasher installed, a garbage disposal hookup as well as the entire house painted - with a working timeline of all projects to be completed by the end of the first day we moved in a few weeks ago.

I am slightly behind schedule, but I can explain. Working with my wife's list, I immediately understood that I would need a working garage door opener for proper egress and ingress of materials for her more important projects. To accomplish this task, it is imperative that you follow my...

Step-by-step guideline for proper garage door opener installation.

Step 1: Complain to your father-in-law that "the f*(&ing garage door doesn't work.

Step 2: Have your father-in-law line up one of his bowling league buddies who just happens to be a retired professional garage door installer of 50 years and offers to do this job for free.

Step 3: Light a cigar and watch over this gentleman's shoulder as he expertly installs your gagrage door opener while he swaps grandchildren stories with your father-in-law.

NOTE: It is always imperative that you have the correct tools for any job. If you do not happen to have a father-in-law who bowls with a retired professional garage door installer, then I don't know what to tell you.

Next up, the garbage disposal installation. There are many makes and models of units, with varying guideliens. This being the case, I would simply refer you to the directions.

NOTE: If your directions come in English on the front few pages, and what I think is Spanish on the last few pages, FOLLOW THE SPANISH INSTRUCTIONS, especially if you have never studied it and can only count to "tres" because of Sesame Street. Why do I say this? Because men typically will not read the instructions anyways, but may feel over-confident when browsing the English section. My theory is that you are less apt to have as many leftover pieces when following the foreign language instructions because you will probably look at the diagrams that much more intently.

Oh well, what use could this rubber thingy possibly have?

Next comes the installation of the dishwasher.

Step 1: If you're on a tight budget because you're not yet quite 50 years old and are jobless and living off of what was supposed to be your retirement, simply pull that father-in-law out of your tool belt and have him find a $25 used dishwasher in the "Big Buck ads".
* a father-in-law tool is handier than a good set of adjustable rubber-grip channellocks.

Step 2: Quickly determine that the 15amp romex power cable that is split three ways before it makes it's way to the dishwasher cabinet is probably not sufficient, unless your goal is to continuosly throw the breaker and/or eventually burn down the house.

Step 3: Seek out a professional looking fellow wearing an apron and wandering around in the Electrical Department at your local Home Depot. Impress him with your knowledge by explaining the situation to him in technical terms, detailing that you are sure you need to drop a dedicated "16 amp or 16 and-a-half amp wire thingy from the fuse box, whatever it takes".

Once again, it is imperative that you follow my...

Step-by-step guideline for installing a new breaker and a 20 amp 12/2 cable.

Step 4A: Quickly determine that years of pushing a pencil is not proper training for even removing the console bolts from the breaker box, let alone installing a new breaker and romex cable, and that professional help is needed once again.

Step 4B: Complain to your older brother who is an attorney that you have to get into the breaker box, and you are sure you will f*(&ing electrocute yourself.

Step 4C: Have your brother send over a professional electrician who owes your brother money for legal work to drop said line.

NOTE: If you do not happen to have a brother who is an attorney and has an electrician who owes him money, then I don't know what to tell you. Again, the proper tool thingy people!

Step 5: Have the father-in-law complete the water and electric hookup and you are good to go.

There. Today's tutorial gave you very explicit instructions on the installation of dishwashers, garbage disposals and garage doors. Now go take on those projects with confidence!

My Message to Obama: "I wish I knew how to quit you"

2010-12-19T09:20:00.006-05:00

I am not a big proponent of heterosexuals openly serving in the military.

Hey DaBlade, don't you mean that you are not a proponent of homosexuals in the military?

Them either...

The purpose of the military is to kill our nation's enemies and to blow sh*& up, and I just feel that this activity is "asexual" in nature. I would think that any public displays of affection between a man and a woman gets in the way of this mission.

That said, I recognize that "war is hell", and our ladies and gentlemen serving us honorably occasionally need a little "R&R". "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy", right? I just think that "Hotlips and Frank" should take "it" to the supply closet. If they don't tell, I sure the hell ain't askin'.

I would also be in favor of this same policy to be in place with respect to homosexuals in the military. I don't really care if Hawkeye has a willing Radar bent over in the latrene, I just don't see the need for this "serving openly" caveat. What does that mean anyways? I guess I just don't understand how putting up chiffon and lace curtains in the barracks will help in our war efforts.

This repeal of DADT, with amnesty for illegal future democrat voters next up - illustrates the priorities of Obama, Reid, Pelosi and company. With the economy in tatters and joblessness and hopelessness on the rise, they choose to spend their time on this crap.

The lame duck dems continue to ignore the message in November elections by perpetrating mass policy rape against us by jamming through - or attempting to jam through - all of their twisted "holiday tree" ornaments.

Santa's junk searched at the border

2010-12-15T08:39:00.004-05:00

Remember when this was just a spoof?

2010-12-14T08:54:00.004-05:00

Flint homicide count at 62. A new record, beating the total of 61 murders set in 1986 and justifying it's "lofty" 4th position on the 2010 list of Most Dangerous Cities, per the CQ Press.

How sad, but so utterly predictable. This is a direct result of the incremental rot that is liberalism and your democrat party at work. Their systematic and purposeful destruction of the American family for the purpose of supplanting it has led to this hopelessness and chaos in the streets. The "Progressive" movement has been most destructive to the African-American population, as evidenced by this murder rate. Rare is the occasion here where a child is born into a family consisting of a mother and father who are actually married, and who all regularly attend weekly church service to give thanks to God.

Michelle Obama: Oh come now DaBlade! ‘We Can’t Just Leave It Up To The Parents’

Hillary Clinton: Yah! It takes a village!

Flint, Michigan - The birthplace of General Motors, the UAW and yours truly. Thankfully, I was born into a family consisting of a married mother and father and we went to church. It used to be the norm, not the exception around these parts. Let me ask you a serious question... When is the last time the mother of a "New Year's Baby" in Flint even knew who the father was? Oh well, does the "winner" still get a $50 savings bond? Can't get much crack for that.

PICTURED: My dad arresting my brother Donnie for not cleaning his room, or something.

My father was a police officer, then a homicide detective for the City of Flint during my formative years in the 60s and 70s. Back then, the annual murder tallies probably averaged between 40 and 50 something - back when the city had almost double the population. I remember my dad saying he was thankful he never had to shoot anyone, though he had numerous dangerous close calls. He was never shot either, though once when he was working a second job as a late night under-cover detective at a JC Penny, he was stabbed in the hand by a woman attempting to shoplift an expensive winter coat.

I can't recall all of my father's exciting cop stories, but I cherish the one's I do. I remember waking up in my bunk bed to a ringing phone in the middle of the night and my dad pulling out of the driveway a short time later, as he headed to the freshest murder scene. I remember the department issued 38 caliber revolver sticking out of it's holster under my dad's sports jacket when he got home from work. I remember that he loved the "Dirty Harry" movies and TV's Columbo, but despised Cagney and Lacey.

PICTURED: Thats me in the front between my mom and my sister. My dad took this picture of us at Bishop airport, right before he hopped a plane to somewhere for a prisoner escort.

I remember crying on the way home after watching the plane disappear into the clouds and me thinking I would never see him again. He died shortly after my baby brother Donnie was killed by a drunk driver in 1988. My mother is with them, having died just a few years ago. I think of them often and remember fondly the Christmases of long, long ago.

Two Drudge-linked stories I found interesting accompanied by totally unrelated and randomly selected videos

2010-12-13T08:28:00.004-05:00

STORY #1The real-life Da Vinci Code:

Historians discover tiny numbers and letters in the eyes of the Mona Lisa. Hidden in the dark paint of her pupils are tiny... numbers, placed there by the artist Leonardo da Vinci and revealed only now thanks to high-magnification techniques. The revelation could have come straight from the pages of Dan Brown’s best-seller The Da Vinci Code, in which the Mona Lisa is said to contain hidden clues about the Holy Grail.

What do these seemingly random numbers mean?

STORY #2
A 72-year-old Romanian woman who had a daughter when she was 66 is planning to have a second child.

Is that a good idea?

Lions "victory" under review

2010-12-12T21:15:00.002-05:00

The Midwest winter storm was just a cool shower compared to the cold shoulder the Detroit Lions gave to the visiting Packers. Lion's third string quarterback, Drew Stanton, lit up the scoreboard with several (seven) points to the Pack's three to end a 19-game losing streak against division opponents. Oh, and there will be a Monday Night Football game played at Ford Field!

Yes, I am aware that it's between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants, a game which was moved to Detroit because of the Metrodome collapse, but still... MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IN DETROIT! Hell hath finally frozen solid baby!

Wait. I know better than this. I've watched the Lions snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory too many times to count.

There might yet be a late flag. The league may put this game under review for no other reason than a Lions victory is suspicious. Something is bound to happen here to give the Pack the win. It may be determined that the Lions did not complete the victory through the entire process (whatever that means).

Wait for it...

High School Hockey Tournament Weekend

2010-12-09T18:31:00.004-05:00

Looking forward to some Top-flight hockey on tap at Division 3 Challenge this weekend in Gaylord, Michigan. Good luck boys! Go Flint Powers!

This is a big reason I came back. Blogging temporarily interrupted for my weekend festivities...

Calling Doctor Elvis!

2010-12-08T09:29:00.005-05:00

The title of this news story (Doc dressed as Elvis revives Vegas marathon runner) pretty much tells you all you need to know.

We do learn this additional information from the story:
* A female runner passed out at the Mandalay Burger Bar in Las Vegas.
* The "Doc" who administered the CPR is an anesthesiologist
* He was wearing an Elvis jumpsuit, sideburns and scarf.
* The revived woman gave him a weird look and told him she was OK.
* Oh, he also got married at a run-thru chapel during the race.

Any questions?

As usual, I have some.

Was the good doctor dressed as the young and spry Elvis, or was he the fat E? One might assume he was the former, since he was running in this half-marathon. But that would wrongly assume there are no Morbidly Obese Runners. (If you make the mistake of actually clicking the prior link, I bet you "a dollar to a donut" you don't make it through the entire clip).

Also, is it a good idea to consume a bacon double cheeseburger after running 13 miles? OK, so we don't know that is what she ate, but I think it's safe to assume this woman didn't order fruit and a Gatorade at the Burger Bar.

See, this is exactly why I don't run 13 miles.

Was the doctor and his wife married by an Elvis impersonator at the run-thru chapel? Suspicious Minds want to know.

Some things will have to remain a mystery. It must be true that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

The play on words in the first sentence of the story using Elvis' hit "Blue Suede Shoes" reminded me of that 1975 song parody titled "Mr. Jaws" by Dickie Goodman. For some reason, I remember thinking that the shark from Jaws answering a reporter's questions with other popular song clips was absolutely hilarious back in the day. Remember... "We are here on the beach..."?

Made me wonder what Dickie would do with the Doctor Elvis story above if he had to relay it using only Elvis song titles...

Dickie: Hello once again everyone, it's your action news reporter on the scene at the Mandaly Burger Bar in Las Vegas with the lady who was just resuscitated by Elvis.
Lady: Viva Las Vegas.
Dickie: Indeed. So what happened?

Lady: I'm in this marathon just Blowin' In The Wind and I thought to myself, "You Better Run because They say that True Love Travels On A Gravel Road". That's when I Got A Feelin' In My Body. A Tender Feeling.
Dickie: That's When Your Heartaches Begin?
Lady: Almost. I was thinking I Need Somebody To Lean On, then I Slipped I Stumbled I Fell.
Dickie: Hurt?
Lady: How Do You Think I Feel?
Dickie: All Shook Up... One Broken Heart For Sale.
Lady: Don't Be Cruel.
Dickie: Relax.

Dr. Elvis: That's when I Come Along. "Patch It Up,"," I thought.
Lady: I'm thinking It's Over... Help Me Make It Through The Night.
Dickie:What did you do doc?
Dr. Elvis: When in doubt, Shake Rattle and Roll.

Lady: That's when I opened my Spanish Eyes and saw this Lonesome Cowboy. I said, "Who Are You (Who Am I)?"
Dr. Elvis: So I says, "You Don't Know Me but Welcome To My World".
Lady: You're The Reason I'm Living.
Dr. Elvis: That's All Right mama. I'm just a Big Hunk O' Love.
Lady: I got weirded out by that, so I says, "Release Me."
Dr. Elvis: Reconsider Baby.
Lady: It's Now Or Never... My Wish Came True. He Let Me go.

Dickie: Saved... How Great Thou Art!
Dr. Elvis: I Did It My Way for sure. Happy Ending.
Lady: Only The Strong Survive... I've Got A Lot O' Livin' To Do.

Some things are just better when they come in pairs.

2010-12-07T08:31:00.007-05:00

Welcome to Decembrow.
Inspired by “Movember”, where male participants grow mustaches during the month of November for the purpose of raising money and awareness to fight prostate cancer, feministing.com is encouraging their female readers to grow a unibrow for "the cause of (their) choice".

"Decembrow is, of course, all about the brow. Specifically, the unibrow."

DaBlade's latest tweet to God:"I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND DECEMBROW IS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."

Per the article's author, DECEMBROW is all about "challenging cultural norms about women’s facial hair". Really? What about a cause? Sounds to me like these ladies are "chomping at the bit" to put "the cart in front of the horse" here, just so they can get their testosterone on.

Hmmm. As a victim of over-active brow follicle growth since childhood, I should warn you ladies that unibrows are not all glitter and glamour like they sound. Sure, what lady wouldn't want to be mistaken for Abe Vigoda in drag? It's just that it reeks havoc on the posture.

I shudder to think what could be next for these women.
JAN-EAR-ARY? BACKTOBER? NOSE-VEMBER?

At least The Ladies of the Lingerie Football League
seem to hold a contrarian view.

Game Of Thrones (HBO Teaser)

2010-12-06T17:25:00.002-05:00

George R.R. Martin's masterpiece fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire, is coming to HBO and I CAN'T WAIT!

Charles Manson Caught "Hexting" with Smuggled Cell Phone

2010-12-05T09:50:00.004-05:00

Charles Manson Caught With Cell Phone in Prison
The murderous cult leader was caught with an LG flip phone under his mattress, and it was determined that he had made numerous calls and sent text messages to people in California, New Jersey, Florida and British Columbia.

We all have our own unique talents and natural gifts. Some folks express themselves through their art, music, words, etc. Manson's talent is an uncanny ability to persuade folks to kill for him. The story doesn't state the purpose for Charlie's calls - but if I had to guess - Charlie's got a Smart Phone and now Janie's got a gun.

Maybe Manson's purpose was purely innocuous. It could be that he got caught up in the latest FaceBook fad to go viral and he was simply changing his profile picture to his favorite cartoon character per the instructions.

This is not the first time Manson has gotten his hands on a cell phone. Last year, a friend recorded one of Manson’s bizarre calls, and the audio of this catchy tune can be found at this link.

Granted, Manson's gravelly voice belting out "I've seen the world spinning 'round on fire" is not exactly as uplifting as the melodious voice of Johnny Mathis crooning "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire". Nor does "I've danced and sang in the devils choir" paint the same word picture as "Yuletide carols being sung by a choir". I guess we all celebrate the season in our own way.

Just be wary if you get a call from a fella wanting to sell you a used furnace cheap...

Home Improvement WeakyLeaks for those do-it-yourselfers

2010-12-01T19:27:00.004-05:00

The title of this post is in no way to make light of the sensitive data dump by that sissified effeminate waif, Julian Assmassage (or whatever his name is) that is being hailed by anarchists, pimply-faced parent's basement-dwelling dweebs, and secretly applauded by Obama and his administration (sorry for the repetitive redundancy). It's just that I've been tied up with my own "data dump" of trying to jam 3,200 square feet of accumulated necessities into half the space and haven't had time to sufficiently demonstrate my bloggiliciousness to my demanding fans (much to Interpol's chagrin).

That said, I have "leaked" some critical information from my undisclosed location to my Facebook friends over this past week and would be derelict in my webitudinal duties if I didn't at least share some of this with you before access is cut or I lose my blogahaulic's license. So without further delay... if anyone asks, you didn't hear the following from me:

DaBlade's Home Improvement WeakyLeaks for those do-it-yourselfers
1) The 4" dryer ductwork pieces found at Home Depot do not fit together as advertised without a substantial amount of blood loss, especially when working with over-sized hands in enclosed basement rafters. The crimped end of said pieces (made from extremely sharp-edged aluminum as it turns out) gives the illusion of a quick and painless job under the bright store fluorescents, but do not be fooled. It would seem to me that a country that could produce engineers bright enough to stage the Apollo moonlandings on top secret and state-of-the-art movie sets over one hundred years ago could make duct pieces that easily slide together. Thank God for duct tape! Not that the enclosed space allowed me to wrap and secure the seam between the two pieces of duct (each with exactly matching circumferences down to the atomic level). But the duct tape did serve to secure my impromptu tourniquet before I lost consciousness.

2) When caulking bathtubs, kitchen sinks and countertops, it is imperative that you accurately estimate the amount of caulk needed, then multiply this by a factor of three. I did not do this and ended up running out and having to make an additional trip to Home Depot as I failed to consider that some of the caulk would not end up smeared all over my entire body. The good news is that I am guaranteed not to leak, shrink or crack for the next ten years.

3) A two-car garage can be very handy here in Michigan, especially with winter fast approaching. I know I'll be content with the knowledge that the several hundred boxes of miscellaneous household wares that currently occupy every square inch of garage space (and probably will until next summer) is high and dry, as I scrape the ice from the windshields parked in the drive in sub-zero temperatures.

That's all the time I have for now. Believe me, there are many more home improvement stories, and I may share some along the way - though it's tough to blog in traction. In the meantime, I am reposting below a short "change of email address" notification I recently sent out. I fear I may have missed some of you, so please take copious notes.

Dear Friend,
I have a new email address. I am not bragging. Nor am I complaining. I am simply informing. It requires no action on your part. You may simply click "delete" and this will go away. You never have to think about it again. Or, you could take 10 seconds and update your address book. Up to you. It's still a semi-free country... unless your flying somewhere. Did you know that almost half of us use either Outlook or Outlook Express for their email? I'm an Outlook Express guy at home. (I have a brother that uses Eudora. Would you be surprised to learn that so do 10% of you?) I also have a few web-based email addresses, but I synched those up so they get downloaded by my Outlook Express. Besides, my free web-based email addresses and the two other domain-related email addresses I have are not changing. However, if you try to send me an email some day at the Charter address, one of two things will happen. You will receive a bounce-back error message of some sort stating that the email address is no longer in service. The other possibility is that someone else will have claimed that email address and they will receive your correspondence that was meant for me. They may become confused and wonder who you are and how it is that they owe you money. Of the two possibilities above, I think it most likely that you will receive an error message that the address is no longer valid. I mean, I would suspect that the universe of folks who would be interested in possessing my old Charter email address is limited to the number of "Jerry Carlsons" in the population. Not "Gerry" or "Jeri"... not even "Gerald", though that is my legal name. I can't imagine a "Robert Hughes" in Portland, Oregon, for example, being interested in acquiring my old email address. Unless "Jerry Carlson" is his nickname, and what are the odds of that? Not surprisingly, I was able to retain the "jerrycarlson" portion of my email address that appears in front of the "@" sign, and only change the domain from "charter.net" to "comcast.net". Easy, right? If that address wasn't available, my next choice was going to be "roberthughes @ comcast.net". That may have been tougher to remember for some of you. Of course, that may have been advantageous, right? You'd be like: "I WOULD have invited you to the party, Jerry, but I just couldn't remember that email address"... and I'd be like, "Quit being a smart@$$! I'm sure I sent you an email informing you that I was changing my email address!" Thankfully, we don't need to have that uncomfortable verbal altercation in the future because I didn't have to go with the "roberthughes" address thingy. However, if we do have that spat in the future over something else entirely, let me just apologize in advance. I just don't know what is going to come over me to cause me to act that way! Anyways, I am sending this short little announcement out to those individuals in my address book who have ever sent me an email at some point in the last decade... even that wealthy Nigerian businessman who continues to need help moving his vast fortune from his homeland and has been willing to fork over a few million to anyone who could help him. Sorry I couldn't help dude... I've been really busy. But don't ever give up your dream, sir! "Believe and you can achieve!," I say. In fact, whenever I am having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself, I just think of this poor foreign fella who can't find a ride over here because he doesn't have enough luggage to fit all of his gold bars, or something. So in conclusion, there is something I've been wanting to tell you and I just couldn't gather the courage... until now... here goes... "I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on a slitted sheet I sit." There. Feels good getting that off my chest. Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving with family and friends, and may you have a Blessed Christmas season!" Oh, I almost forgot... my new email address is jerrycarlson at comcast dot net
...and that's all I got to say about that.

Regards,
Jerry

In all seriousness, I owe many thanks for the help and well-wishes for the support I have received over the course of this very trying year. First and foremost, my wife, who has kept her sense of humor through all of my mood swings and has repeatedly reminded me of what is really important. Mega-thanks to my brother and sister-in-law, Bernie and Kristi for you know what. I can't EVER repay you. Just kidding, I'll repay you, but you know what I mean. Thanks also to my in-laws for their love and support (and use of their one-ton truck). Thanks to Cousin John for use of the 12-foot enclosed trailer, and to my cousin - the good dr. hirkimer - for use of his heavy-duty dolly (and also that large wheeled cart used for moving things). Thank you brother Snap for moving that refridgerator the day before Thanksgiving (among other things). Thanks to Pic Pic, for teaching me many years ago that no home improvement project was complete without the multi-versatile drywall mud compound (turns out that when it dries on wounds after they've sufficiently clotted - it acts as a very adequate new skin product). Thanks to all my Flint Journal and Sheboygan Press friends, and to you - my blog readers, who allow me to stretch my funnybone on occasion.

I gotta go. Seems there is a curtain rod that needs wrestling.

Oh Yah. Bring it!

2010-11-25T08:25:00.003-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Evictus

2010-11-22T09:27:00.003-05:00

Going to see the movie "Evictus" tomorrow morning. No, not the movie with a similar name directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Morgan Freeman. This one is showing at the 67th District Court in Davison. Hey, at least the tickets (Summons) were free. The trailers to this slow moving train wreck have been brutal.

I'm just glad they found the time to schedule this the day before Thanksgiving.

Bed - Check
couch - Check
Computer - check
TV - check
Sense of humor - check

Looks like I'm good to go.

Like Morgan Freeman's character in another movie once said, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'". While this is not exactly Sinatra, I will say this about Flint - If I can make it there (again), I'll make it anywhere.

If I were the pope

2010-11-21T12:57:00.002-05:00

White smoke began to billow from the Vatican chimney, a clear sign that the Pope was dead and that the cardinals had elected a new one. Throngs of church progressives and the anti-Catholic press excitedly poured into Saint Peter's Square, gazing anxiously up at the Basilica balcony in hopes of seeing a new pope.

Out onto the balcony I walk (think General Patton, only wearing a tall hat and flowing robe), a burning cigar clenched between my teeth the now obvious source of the clouds of smoke. A hush falls across the assembled masses as they gaze upon my magnificence. Realization sets in and I take the look of shock-and-awe on their faces as my cue to begin.

Sorry to disappoint you jackasses, but it's still me. That's right, Daddy is going to start to take the training wheels off.

So I took the Popemobile down to the gas station to pick up a newspaper this morning, and the big headline of the day seems to be my condom quote to that German journalist who is writing a book. Not surprisingly, my words are being twisted in the press and being given meaning that isn't there, so let me clear up a few things.

It is true that Church teaching opposes the use of condoms as a form of artificial contraception. And yes, I did tell that journalist fella that the use of condoms can be justified in some cases, such as for male prostitutes seeking to prevent the spread of HIV. Here is my quote:

"There may be justified individual cases, for example when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be ... a first bit of responsibility, to re-develop the understanding that not everything is permitted and that one may not do everything one wishes... But it is not the proper way to deal with the horror of HIV infection... In certain cases, where the intention is to reduce the risk of infection, it can nevertheless be a first step on the way to another, more humane sexuality."
Pope Benedict XVI

Sorry haters, but I do not find a conflict here. Your headlines may scream "AIDS campaigners welcome pope's u-turn on condoms" and Australia welcomes papal shift on safe sex, but there seems to be a lot of wishful thinking going on out there.

Let's see if I can break this down for your feeble little minds.
* The church opposes condom use for contraception.
* Male prostitutes are not in danger of getting pregnant nor impregnating their gay Johns.
* Church doctrine also allows room for Howie Mandell to use a condom as a hat.

so while I was not condoning male prostitution, I figure they might as well wear a condom to provide some level of protection while engaged in their sinful behavior. Hell, I would say the same thing to some yahoo who insisted on putting a wet finger into the wall socket. Uhhh, hey bud, ya really shouldn't do that... but if you insist, at least wear a rubber glove.

Don't even think that I've forgotten how displeased many of you were when I was elected back in 2005. Hey, if you recall, I didn't exactly want this gig either. I know many of you have been upset by my being a staunch defender of orthodox Catholic doctrine, and that I have put the brakes on the progressive movements in the church. To that I say, guilty as charged.

Newsflash folks. The Word of God is unyielding, and His Church does not require "modernization". His Book is not a living-breathing document, and there will never be ammendments that excuse homosexuality, same-sex marriage, euthanasia, or abortion. I know I'm supposed to hate the sin but love the sinner, but some of you really make that difficult sometimes.

DaBlade's Dream Theory and other mishmash, hodgepodge, pungent potpourri and flowery bouquet of blog words

2010-11-20T08:12:00.003-05:00

"Eureka!," I thought. "I have single-handedly solved the whole enhanced airport screening controversy by the power of my fertile mind!" I excitedly mused.

Of course, I was in that "half awake / half asleep" stage I always move through toward complete wakefulness and having my first rational and conscious thought of the new day, which always seems to be a variation of the same theme: "MUST... HAVE... COFFEE". That familiar stage where my body shifts from having REMs to having RPMs - Rapid Prostate Movements.

I have solved quite a few work problems and unraveled a fair share of thought knots in this fugue-like state shuffling my my way to the toilet over the years. It's a tricky science, however, as the output from one of these "Eureka!" moments is as likely as not to be gobbledygook.

I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry goes to bed after watching a scary sci-fi flick, only to wake up briefly in the middle of the night to write down what he believes to be a killer joke on a pad by his bed - then giggles himself back to sleep. The following day he is unable to decipher what he wrote.

JERRY: (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit.

(Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second.. "Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke?

Eureka or gobbledygook?
I usually know that answer before my feet are fully swung out over the side of the bed and inserted into my pink and furry bunny slippers because my second thought of the day immediately following the "coffee thought" is either: "OF COURSE! Why didn't I think of this before? It's so simple!" or more frequently: "huh? wtf dude, you have some real issues".

So why do we dream?
(and why are DaBlade's dreams better than mine?)
Full disclosure here, while I do not actually have a degree in psychology and am not a practicing sleep therapist, I have tirelessly studied and have dedicated the better part of my life to sleeping. And while I don't mean to brag, I've also spent the last few minutes google browsing the subject of "dream interpretations". Hey, until you've worn my spandex unitard pajama thong and walked in my bunny slippers, I would recommend you not doubt me.

Dream Theories* Sigmund Freud believed that dreams existed to fulfill his sexual perversions. I'm guessing he would have loved having his bags checked at the airport.
* The computer metaphor - dreams are a way for us to defrag our cluttered minds as we commit some memories acquired during the previous day to longterm backup storage while others are sent to the recycle bin.
* The "sleeping on it" problem solving theory.

DaBlade's Theory of Dreams
All of the prior theories may have some sliver of truth, but what I believe they all miss is that dreams are not simply a result of chemical reactions and electrical discharges in an organic brain. I believe we have an out-of-body experience, whereby our consciousness is actually transported to a place I refer to as Dreamland. A land of rainbows, unicorns, cotton candy and killer jokes yet to be discovered. All are welcome in Dreamland Carole Anne!

The other 95% of our brainpower is unleashed in Dreamland allowing us to solve all of the most important riddles. I believe the problem occurs in the trip back through the veil of consciousness. Most of the cool thoughts and understandings can't fit through this veil and they get stuck between worlds like dolphins in a tuna net. It's sorta like the Terminator having to travel naked through time because his clothes can't make the trip. (Hey! That's one solution to this TSA business).

Anyway, that's my dream theory.

gobbledygook
OH! I almost forgot to tell you. "What was the 'Eureka!' solution to the enhanced aggressive airport screenings," you ask? I'm sorry to tell you, but it was just more gobbledygook. Somehow my fugue self really believed the answer was for airports to just install the U-Check, self-service scanning technology used in grocery stores.

Hmmmm. Back to the drawing board.

Bad news, goods news

2010-11-17T08:34:00.002-05:00

The bad news is, I missed my originally scheduled flight because of a small delay at the pat-down station after a body scanner malfunction.

The good news is, the TSA workers missed my Twinkie stash. Don't ask where I keep my junk.

Crappy Christmas Gifts 2010

2010-11-16T08:12:00.005-05:00

Obama's new children's book "Of Thee I Sing" hits the shelves today and immediately takes the top spot as this year's crappiest Christmas gift, easily surpasing the Justin Bieber doll and Playmobil's Airport Security Check Point Playset.

The publisher describes Obama's latest book as "a moving tribute to thirteen groundbreaking Americans and the ideals that have shaped our nation -- from the artistry of Georgia O'Keeffe, to the courage of Jackie Robinson, to the patriotism of George Washington."

Proceeds from the book, which has a suggested retail price of $17.99, will be donated to a scholarship fund for children of fallen and disabled soldiers.

It 's unknown at this point if Obama actually authored this cerebral tome, or if it was written by his favorite ghost-writer, Bill Ayers. Frankly, I'm not sure who the target market is with this. The left-wing nutjobs that are his base will be put off by the fact that their money will go towards war-monger's children, and Tea Party folks probably will not want to buy a children's book they feel it necessary to proof-read first.

Obama's book is also not expected to do well with his whacko lib base when pitted against the competition of this impressive line of children's gifts from Chattering Teeth Toys.

Abortion Operation
Egocentric Sally has decided it's not real convenient for her to carry this tissue mass to term. Pass the forceps, we're going in!

Name an abortion after your significant other
and get your very own commemorative snow globe filled with abortion debris from the International Abortion Registry...

Michelle causes scene at airport

2010-11-15T13:27:00.000-05:00

I don't really care about this Supreme Court case - I just liked the picture

2010-11-15T08:37:00.003-05:00

Now comes the case of the Mexican-born Ruben "the deported drug dealer" versus the United States.

PICTURED: Michelle Obama seems to have taken sides with the defense on this one. (Don't know the artist on this one, but nicely done!)

What is before the Supreme Court is whether or not this foreign-born dope smoker should be allowed to seal his birth records and claim he was born in Hawaii so he can begin his run for the presidency.

OK, not really. He just wants citizenship.

Quick Facts of the case:* Born in Tijuana in 1974 to unwed parents.
* His biological mother is Mexican and his then 16-year-old father is an American citizen.
* Raised by grandma and father in San Diego since he was 2 months old.
* Has been deported six times since then for drugs, only to sneak back across the border each time.
* Now he is claiming the immigration laws discriminate because it gives unwed mothers more rights than fathers.

Different rules for woman? I guess I'm OK with that. I always thought that an American woman's womb was like a U.S. embassy in foreign lands - you know... always considered U.S. soil. I just wish Michelle would keep her hands off her diplomatic pouch.

Obama looking old in Asia

2010-11-12T09:06:00.002-05:00

Obama speaks during his news conference at the G-20 summit in Seoul, South Korea

I don't know about you, but I'm a believer that the office of the presidency tends to prematurely age a person.

ocular illusions of the fertile mind

2010-11-11T14:34:00.004-05:00

Just what was that object seen hurtling into the sky over the Southern California coast?

Was it a missile fired by a foreign submarine? A meteor? Ironman? My first thought was - I wonder if little Falcon, of baloon boy fame, has been located, or if he is hiding under his bed again?

“There is no evidence to suggest that this is anything else other than a condensation trail from an aircraft,” according to a Pentagon spokesman.

Looks too big of a contrail to be coming from a commercial jet liner... unless, of course, one of the passengers is the perpetually tanned John Boehner sneaking a smoke in the john. Mystery solved.

Urban Miners Gone Wild

2010-11-10T08:59:00.002-05:00

Detroit Public Schools have become the symbol for what is wrong with public education in general in this country, and for good reason, what with their lofty 25% high school graduation rate. That's why I'd like to take this opportunity to recognize them for this positive story from today's Detroit News:
Scrappers take anything of value from DPS sites

"Blade, what can you possibly find positive in this story? Grayling Elementary, one of 70 closed and boarded up schools waiting to be sold or demolished, is getting ransacked by scrappers for parts.

Well, at least these buildings are once again being populated with skilled professionals with some semblance of higher math skills. At the very least, you would have to agree that their truancy rates have plummeted. And with Michigan's unemployment rate being what it is, maybe we could use more of this kind of entrepreneurial spirit.

Do you have what it takes to be an "urban miner"? Take this quiz and find out:
1. Little Johnny and little Timmy break into a defunct Detroit Public School looking for what?
(A) Books
(B) A quiet place to smoke crack
(C) Jimmy Hoffa
(D) Copper and other materials they can easily sell

2. If copper currently fetches $4 per pound and they work from 9 p.m. until 4 a.m (a 7 hour shift) gathering 100 pounds of copper, which statement would be false?
(A) Little Johnny and little Timmy are in possession of $400 worth of copper
(B) These industrious lads have earned $200 each (if the booty is split evenly)
(C) They will have earned over $28 per hour for their labor
(D) 100 pounds of copper weighs more than 100 pounds of feathers

3. If little Johnny pops a cap in little Timmy's a$$, what will little Johnny get?
(A) 20 to life for first degree murder
(B) Class valedictorian honors
(C) Promotion to the next grade
(D) All the copper for himself, and whatever drugs and dirty needles he finds in Timmy's pockets

TEST ANSWERS: "D" for "Detroit" was the correct response in each question above. So how did you do?

Now for some Flint local news.

FLINT (WJRT) -- (11/09/10) -- The latest price tag on the Genesee Towers has now been totaled, and Flint taxpayers are learning just how much it will cost them to pay for the building.

The concerns are growing for property owners as they learn details of a special assessment to pay off nearly $9 million for a vacant building.

$9 million bucks for that ol' thing? Why not just encourage those Detroit scrapper dung beetle dudes to swing by and cart this eyesore away? I'm sure we could get them for much less.

Happier Times for the Genesee Towers

Megamind - A Large Blue Thumbs Up

2010-11-09T06:51:00.004-05:00

Caught Megamind, the new DreamWorks 3D animation, this past weekend. I was pulled there by the wife and youngin' and had no idea what the movie even was about. I didn't much care and had no expectations. I mean, there would be popcorn and cool dark sunglasses, so what could go wrong?

What a fantastic surprise! Will Ferrell lends his voice to the big blue-headed villain and Brad Pitt is the suave hero Metro Man. This movie is hilarious, with several "audible gutteral inference of humor" (AGIH) moments. NOTE: I'm trying to replace the tired "LOL" with my own more accurate acronym.

One of my fav sight gags was this "NO YOU CAN'T" poster, visible on a building as the "camera" scanned the Metrocity skyline - AGIH! Go see this immediately!

Confessions of an ex-Tree Killer

2010-11-08T12:13:00.003-05:00

I have no regrets 3 weeks after voluntarily leaving a paying job with a regular weekly paycheck in Wisconsin and returning home to my family and friends in Michigan, albeit with no current income. (I do, however, have a plan, but that's for another blog). I did make some good friends in the 3 short months I was there, but without going into any detail for my reasons, let me just say that I quickly realized two things about the newspaper biz:

1) I am a highly skilled and multi-talented Circulation Director/Operations Manager, a tad short on humility notwithstanding.
2) I no longer want anything to do with the newspaper biz.

Any lingering regrets were quickly dispelled during a phone conversation I had with one of my closest friends 3 weeks ago while I was driving a loaded 26-foot UHaul through downtown Chicago traffic on my way home. He was an old colleague of mine many years ago in Flint, who was more recently one of the top three CDs for USA Today in Florida. I say "was" because he had just received word that he was one of 40 CDs across the country who were laid off by Gannett last month. It was, coincidentally, a Gannett propery that I had left behind in Wisconsin. Needless to say, he was devasted and still in shock, wondering how he was now supposed to support his wife and young daughter.

Last week I learned more cuts were made at Booth properties in Michigan. Most of these were from the west side of the state in Grand Rapids, Muskegon and Kalamazoo, but Flint did not go untouched - as three accounting folks (one with 30 years in and a good friend of mine) were laid off. I met with her yesterday to offer my sympathy and hopefully was successful in assuring her that she was too talented for this to be anything more than a temporary inconvenience.

Last night I kept thinking about the science fiction classic, The Time Machine, by H. G. Wells. In this story set into the future, there is a race of light-fearing Morlocks - pale, apelike people who live in darkness underground and hold dominion over a peacefull race of Eloi. Unfortunately for the Eloi, their relationship is not one of lords and servants (read - employer and employees with "job for life" guarantees) but of livestock and ranchers.

Like I said, time for a change. "I break with thee, I break with thee, and throw dog poopy on your shoes".

BEDBUGS on 60 Minutes

2010-11-06T07:57:00.003-04:00

SOURCE:
We bedbugs have been taking a “shellacking” lately, but "I think that's a fair argument" to say that it's not our blood sucking of the public that is being rejected, but rather our "failing to sell the importance of" of these parasitic policies.

"I think that, over the course of two years we were so busy and so focused on" infesting hotels, public transportation and NYC schools, that "we stopped paying attention to the fact that" infestations are not just about feeding on our host's blood.

"That it’s a matter of persuading people" to ignore the resulting skin rashes, psychological effects and allergic symptoms, not to mention the gag factor at our disgusting appearance.

R.I.P. Sparky. "Pain don't hurt"? It does now.

2010-11-05T06:06:00.002-04:00

For me, Sparky Anderson was one of those larger-than-life celebrities in the "sports hero" category. He managed the Detroit Tigers from 1979 to 1995 and I have many warm memories of this man and his body of work.

Let me put it this way. If I was shown an inkblot roughly in the shape of Sparky, I would think two things... First, I would associate his image with my memories of those great Tiger teams, especially that magical 1984 Championship season. I'll never forget that 35-5 start.

The other thing I'd think would be, "Why the heck am I being shown inkblots and can someone please loosen these restraints?"

Sparky was known for being (UNDERSTATEMENT ALERT!) quotable. A co-worker and I used to scan the sports section at our desk while the newspaper was still warm from the press, looking for any new quotes from this man that we would cut out for our "Sparkyisms" file. That file got pretty thick as I recall. Many of them are found here and there, but I know we had some unique ones I haven't seen since. I wonder if Barry still has that?

Anywho, gotta run. "Nurse! Can you change the channel now? The View is coming on!"

"People who live in the past generally are afraid to compete in the present. I've got my faults, but living in the past is not one of them. There's no future in it." - Sparky

DaBlade: "I am not a Warlock. I'm you!"

2010-11-04T07:33:00.002-04:00

DaBlade - The perpetually tanned, sharply tailored, cigar chain-smoking Michigander - returned to "the internets" Wednesday, November 4, 2010, after a lengthy hiatus spent on his mountain retreat while being tended to by robed and mute monks. Almost immediately following the posting of his long anticipated blog yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial Average climbed to a two-year high.

During a tear-filled address made to an unplugged webcam, DaBlade announced "a new way forward" with his return to the spacious Chatteringteeth offices yesterday.

“This is not a time for celebration, not when one in 10 of our fellow bloggers have writers block. This is a time to roll up our sleeves and start pounding our keyboards. If you're like me, then just remove your sleeves altogether and oil up them biceps for a more intimidating blog performance. My point is, I look forward with determination to take the first steps toward building a better future for our kids and grandkids.”

NOTE: President Obama telephoned DaBlade to tell him he was "looking forward to once again reading Chattering Teeth on (his) teleprompter and learning more from the true master of flowery rhetorical flourish,” according to a White House spokesperson.

A Conservative Coup - Can you hear me now?

2010-11-03T07:43:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning with renewed enthusiasm and vigor after yesterday's historic spanking administered to Obama's agenda, with the Republicans taking back the House. There was even a Republican or two elected right here in Michigan, including our new Governor-elect and "One Tough Nerd", Rick Snyder.

Now back to my feeling of euphoria. I am hopping around the house like the reformed Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas morning, with a goofy grin on my face and joy and love in my heart. I'm doing the Ebenezer jig and singing like a drunken sailor. I changed the words of his song a little...

"Obama doesn't know anything, he never did know anything... but now you know that he doesn't know..."

I have no prized goose to cook for dinner, but since this is a symbolic reference, the part of the cooked goose will be played by Obama. Or would he be the ghost of Marxists past? Ah well, casting to be done later.

It wasn't a perfect showing, admittedly, what with Reid and the Dems narrowly holding the senate. Harry Reid clung to his Nevada seat like a stubborn colon polyp refusing to budge. Hey, sometimes on election day the voters will "snip off the things they find when they go up and, no more" and other times they don't.

So while not perfect, I know how to answer my kids queries regarding the election results when they ask, "Did you plug the hole yet daddy?".
Yes, the hole has been plugged. We will cement this midterm victory and put a permanent cap on Obama's destructive agenda come 2012. For now we must be content to look up in the sky and realize that those are our planes now... almost.

Speaking of colon polyps, Tim Kaine, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, misinterpretted the results this way:

“Voters sent a message that change has not happened fast enough.”

Exactly right Mr. Kaine. The voters did not scream for a change in direction. They LOVE the direction toward economic oblivion. We just are not happy with the SPEED Obama and the dems are driving us there and we are an ignorant bunch, clueless to the concept of cause and effect.

Oops, my bad. I slipped into that stupid car analogy metaphor thingy that Obama loves to use so much. Seems I'm not alone in this though. The new Republican "Speaker-Elect", if you will, John Boehner, said this to a cheering throng last night:

"We hope President Obama will now respect the will of the people, change course, and to commit to making changes they are demanding."

Obama respecting the will of the people? Yah, right. I guess we'll find out this afternoon when Obama reads from his teleprompter on this subject today. Maybe it will go something like this:

OBAMA: My fellow Americans. As you know, I inherited a mess from George Bush. He took a joyride in our car and left it in a ditch. Since my election, I have had my boots on - my Mom Jeans covered in mud - trying to push that car out of the ditch. It's hot down there. There is garbage, dead fetuses and used condoms down there. Looks like the National Mall after a liberal rally. Not pleasant. But I've been pushing that car for you. I only stop to take a smoke break, but I make sure that Nancy is pushing while Harry is trying to steer. When Nancy bitches and asks for them to change positions, Harry whines that his skin is sensitive to the mud, and besides, her "gavel" is bigger than his. Break over.

Now you, the American voter, have spoken. You have ignorantly given the keys back to the Republicans in the House. Did I mention that these are the same guys who have been standing and watching us, sipping on their slurpees? Boehner was kicking dirt down and mooning us. Now I am supposed to respect the will of the people and promise to become more centrist, compromising with the Republicans?

Hell no! They can get in the car, but they have to ride in back next to my socialist mop. I recognize that you, the American people, are just upset with the speed of my change, not the direction. Remember, when you want to move the car forward, you put the transmission thingy to "D" for "drive". "D" also stands for "Democrats". If the gears slip into "R", then we go in "reverse". Get it? "R" for "reverse" and for "Republicans". Clever, right?

Now suppose I let them get behind the wheel. I still own the senate, and the media for that matter. A balanced budget? A repeal of my Obamacare? Don't even think about it. The gears will slip into Neutral and we will just be gridlocked. "N" for "Newt", remember him? I need the tires moving on this car to get us out of this ditch. The mud is only up to the wheel wells and if I'm going to dig this car all the way to my partners in China, I need to keep the car digging.

That is why I accept the intent of the American people, if not the will. I know what you really meant. Time for a bootlegger's turn.

Mr. president, I will gladly accept the car stuck in neutral than where you have been driving us. Check your dashboard. The GPS is rerouting.

Stephen Hawking Revelations

2010-09-03T05:36:00.003-04:00

God was not needed to create the Universe...

He was too busy working up the plans for my Hoveround.

THE CAP IS STILL HOLDING!!

2010-07-18T09:02:00.002-04:00

I'm not talking about the oil well cap... I am refering to Obama's "Vacation Golf, B-Ball and Rally Cap".
In defense of Obama tirelessly focusing on vacations like a laser beam:

Obama's three-day Maine vacation has provoked outrage, just like Bush's Crawford trips did. But Reihan Salam says such getaways don't just rejuvenate the president—they remind us he's human.

HUH!? He's.... "human"? You mean he is not the messiah? Do you know what you're saying Mister Reihan Salam? This is blasphemous rhetoric against The One!

One gets the impression that we've reached a similar conclusion about our presidents: as long as there is distress in the land, Barack Obama, his wife, and his two children must remain in the White House, suffering in the sweltering heat and looking dour, never betraying signs of relaxation or a simple love of life.

Hmmm. Why should we insist he remain inside his house, "suffering in the sweltering heat and looking dour, never betraying signs of relaxation or a simple love of life"??? It's not like he is one of us tens of millions of unemployed human debris he has left in his wake of destruction.

Oil well, Schmoil well. THAT kind of destruction takes some doing and effort, and a little R&R might just be the ticket. In fact, I look forward to the day when he is put out to pasture for good.

What's on your Kindle?

2010-07-17T11:00:00.002-04:00

I received a Kindle as a birthday present from my wife last August. I was just reviewing my "library" of downloads on my Amazon account, and was amazed to find I had read over 50 books in less than a year. Here is a montage of most of them...

As you can see, I went heavy on the Mystery & Thrillers, with a dab of Science Fiction, Horror and a few classics. (Absolutely no vampire romances allowed).

This, along with a few "real" books made from paper, not to mention the few hours per day on average spent in a voracious consumption of online news.

A Facebook friend commented on a similar link this way: "so do you love it? I've been looking at them but I am not sure I can give up the whole smelling the book, turning the pages, etc."

My response: It's awesome. I recognize the irony from a guy who's fortunes are tied to wood pulp. Many of theses books were free downloads, or discounted to cost under $1, mostly classics easily found on the internet or new authors looking to make a splash. Most of them were very good, and books I never would have even glanced at in a bookstore. Witha Kindle, you can carry around a veritable library in a carryon, and at move time, save a box or three.

So I ask you, what's on your Kindle?

The Great Obama Depression

2010-07-09T14:42:00.000-04:00

Recession is when it happens to everyone else
Depression is when it happens to you.

I can't recall the soothsayer who originally coined this phrase, and frankly am not interested in initiating the exhaustive 2 minute google search to find out. I'm just not that curious. I can, however, attest to the wisdom of the statement, having entered into the Great Obama Depression with my layoff back in February. Fact is, this is a Depression for millions of Americans living in the expanding shadow of the Obama regime.

Since last we spoke, my wife also lost her administrative job due to declining enrollment at the school. Neither of us were interested in donning brown shirts and scouring the neighborhood as census workers for the socialist-in-chief, so that greatly lessened the pool of potential future employers.

Needless to say, we have been economically devasted by these events. You could also say we were highly leveraged, what with tuition payments for one son attending Notre Dame and the other two in Parochial schools (not to mention hockey bills and other necessary sundries). Frank and Dodd's democrat housing scam caused us to be approximately $90k upside down in our house. Did I mention we lost our income? The perfect sh*# storm.

On the positive side, I just dropped off some suit pants to get altered, having lost 25 pounds in the last 5 months. Some loss was due to stress, but mostly I did this on purpose by taking better care of myself and watching what I eat. Besides, government cheese can make one lose their appetite.

The good news is that after months of fruitless attempts at finding work in Flint, Michigan, I expanded my search and was successful in landing a position in Wisconsin. They're lucky to get me, and I feel just as blessed to be going there. Many of my friends were shocked to learn I was sticking with the newspaper industry, but like I've told them, my experiences here have left my sphinxter perpetually puckered. That said, I'm going to a market that is relatively stable by comparison, and to a company that is as strong as it gets in this business. I will be earning about half as much as I was a little over a year ago, but Hillary thankfully sent me a slightly used red reset button, so it's all good.

Also on the positive side is that my middle son will be just down the road in Milwaukee attending Marquette. He is excited about school again now that he will be joing the Navy ROTC program offered there.

So what does the future hold? How should I know, but my plan is to start consuming cheese in vast quantities, washing it down in responsible amounts of Spotted Cow, and kicking butt for my new employer.

Hmmm. Maybe I should have waited on getting those waist lines taken in.

The next few weeks and my upcoming move should prove to be busy, so I probably won't be hanging around this spacious Chattering Teeth office on a regular basis during this period. Once I'm settled in though, I hope to run a vacuum and dust off this blog's counter tops again.

Sh*t Helen Thomas Says

2010-06-07T15:44:00.004-04:00

New this fall on Al Jazeera TV, it's the new comedy, "Sh*t My Teacher Says".
You'll laugh uproariously at the off-the-cuff quips and mindless drivel from cantankerous old Elementary teacher "Mrs. Hezbollah," played by longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas. It's non-stop hilarity in season one's pilot episode, when the ancient and kindly Mrs. Hezbollah fills her students with revisionist history, while at the same time advocating the benefits of religious cleansing.

MRS. HEZBOLLAH: Tell the Jews to get the hell out of Palestine. The Palestinian people are occupied and it’s their land. The Israelis should go home to Poland, Germany, America and everywhere else.

Audience Laughter sound bite

STUDENT: My dad says there has never been a land known as Palestine, and therefore there is no such thing as a Palestinian people, language or culture, and that the Jewish people have thousands of years of history in the land of Israel. By the way, isn't today's lecture supposed to be about the American Indian?

MRS. HEZBOLLAH: Tell the Americans to get the hell out of North America. The American Indian people are occupied and it’s their land. U.S. citizens should go home to England, Europe and everywhere else. Except for the illegal Mexican immigrants. They can stay.

Audience Laughter sound bite

STUDENT: My dad says that Homo erectus immigrated out of Africa about a million years ago. Would you have them return?

MRS. HEZBOLLAH: I'll pack my bags immediately.

Audience Laughter sound bite

Hey Obama! You're soaking in it!

2010-06-04T09:46:00.002-04:00

Listen to Madge the busybody's reasons for becoming a manicurist in this old Palmolive commercial. This is the exact same answer Obama could give for wanting to become president (if he were honest).

"Palmolive softens your hands while you do the dishes."

Let's change that up to read...

"BP-oilmolive destroys your coastline while you give your speeches."

I'VE GOT A SPECIAL PURPOSE!

2010-06-03T21:37:00.001-04:00

HAHA! My letter from Steve Martin made Letters of Note! I'm SOMEBODY NOW!

BP's Oil Repelled by B.O.'s B.S.

2010-06-01T07:23:00.002-04:00

The leak responsible for gushing 800,000 gallons of oil a day into the Gulf of Mexico has finally been plugged with Obama's used teleprompters!

Scientists had been scrambling to find a material that would effectively plug this gaping maw (the hole in the seabed, not Obama's pie hole) in a tactic known as a Top Kill. Heavy mud, cement, tire shards and even golf balls have been tried, yet to no avail.

"The problem was the pressure of oil and gas escaping from the well was simply too powerful to overcome with these materials," explained Phil McCraken, a BP engineer. "That's when I started to brainstorm for a material that possesses it's own blowback pressure... something that not only defies logic, but also repels it. That's when I had the Eureka! moment."

Engineers believe that the oil flow is staved off by a continuous flow of rhetorical flourish emminating from the teleprompters, acting like a sort of force field and containing the hole. Meanwhile, the drilling of relief wells are expected to be completed by August, putting an end to this sad chapter of America's second worst man-made disaster.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says President Obama has no comment. In fact, Obama will have no more comments on anything until engineers complete the construction of a "relief teleprompter" in a few days. Sadly, we will have to wait for the next presidential election in 2012 to finally put to rest this administration and America's worst ever man-made disaster.

Pictured: Obama is speechless as he examines a piece of broken teleprompter that had washed ashore.

Did you plug the hole yet daddy?

2010-05-28T11:15:00.000-04:00

A Parting Shot From Editorial?

2010-05-05T22:21:00.002-04:00

Does that spell what I think it spells?

A Beautiful Progressive Mind

2010-04-22T08:34:00.001-04:00

I am celebrating 4/20 day today. Yes, I am well aware that it is April 22nd and many of my cohorts in cannabis consumption have already celebrated this holiday two days ago, it's just that weed makes me procrastinate. Besides, I was all out of stash until today because my neighbor bogarted my supply (along with my Fritos) and I haven't had the means to replenish my stockpile until today when my Obama money was deposited.

I just want to take this opportunity to thank y'all who are still working for your contribution, as I blog through the blue haze of a freed mind. Suddenly Obama is making a tremendous amount of sense to me. I only hope that my ash cloud doesn't cause any more airline delays...

CAGE THOSE MANGY COYOTES!

2010-04-14T10:50:00.003-04:00

I believe I know what this is all about and I am ouraged!

Arizona lawmakers on Tuesday passed one of the toughest pieces of immigration-enforcement legislation in the country, which would make it a violation of state law to be in the U.S. without proper documentation.

It would also grant police the power to stop and verify the immigration status of anyone they suspect of being illegal.

We are supposed to believe that the timing of this legislation, on the eve of the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs between the Detroit Red Wings and the Phoenix Coyotes, is purely coincidental, right? Well I'm not buying this mister!

The overwhelming majority of the Wings are foreign born, hailing from Canada, Sweden, Russia and Finland. Of course, that holds true for Phoenix, as well as every other NHL team. The fact that all of the Wing's papers are in order does not preclude Phoenix authorities from rounding them up for an immigration check, say a half hour before game time tonight. REAL CLASSY ARIZONA!

Well I say, bring it on. The Wings will still be left with two forwards, two defensemen, and their starting goalie. They'll play short-handed for the entire game one and STILL beat the Coyotes.

Presumed Red Wing lineup for Game One:
F - Justin Abdelkader - Muskegon, Michigan
F - Drew Miller Dover, - New Jersey
D - Brett Lebda - Buffalo Grove, Illinois
D - Brian Rafalski - Dearborn, Michigan
G - Jimmy Howard - Syracuse, New York

Rest up boys! I believe you'll be getting all the ice time you want. CAGE THOSE MANGY COYOTES!

Illeism - the act of referring to oneself in the third person

2010-04-14T06:48:00.002-04:00

DaBlade believes we have to add to this list.

CT EXCLUSIVE: Another Adoption Gone Bad

2010-04-13T15:27:00.004-04:00

The 48-year-old Obama was sent alone on a one-way flight back to Kenya today by his American adoptive citizens with a note pinned to his lapel that read:
To whom it may concern,
For the safety of our security, economy, and future, we no longer wish to be governed by this community organizer. He has severe psychopathic issues and socialist behavior. We were misled and lied to during his campaign about this man-child’s mental stability.
Regards,
We The People

Oh yah, here is an unrelated story about some russian kid.

RUN JOHN, RUN!

2010-04-13T09:05:00.003-04:00

Englers Back in Michigan

Former Michigan Gov. John Engler and his wife, Michelle, have bought a lakefront home in Shiawassee County, fueling speculation about a return to politics.
...
Engler, a Republican, has declined to address questions about whether the move might signal an interest in a 2012 campaign, when U.S. Sen. Debbie Stabenow, a Democrat, faces re-election.

No offense to my neighbors in Shiawassee County, but if I was a former governor of this once great state and I was going to spend half a million dollars on a quiet retirement home in Michigan - with NO INTEREST IN RETURNING TO POLITICS - I can think of half a million better places than one which happens to be 20 miles northeast of Lansing.

So would Engler's return to politics be a good thing or a bad thing for Michigan?

To answer that, all you need do is scan some of the comments in the above linked article. Keep yesterday's lesson, (liberalism is a brain disorder) in mind if you do. Here is my favorite so far... "Good luck John..We have long memories..Don't even think of running for office here..Your support of Bush and the economic policies that devastated Michigan will never be forgiven..Try Texas, you should be able to beat that jerk they currently have there.."

That is actually quite mild in comparison to most of the hate-filled, intolerant and ignorant comments from the majority of libtards in this state. Do you want more evidence that Engler was a great governor other than the fact that he is despised by the left?

Let's take a look at just how Engler's policies "devasted Michigan", shall we?

Michigan Governor John Engler 1991-1997 Accomplishments
http://www.state.mi.us/migov/gov/Archives/engleraccomp9197.html

Let's just look at the top 3 here...

BEFORE ENGLER: In 1990, unemployment was 7.6 percent. I know this sounds low in Obama's world, but back then it was -- the worst among the nation's 10 largest states.
AFTER ENGLER: Unemployment is (1997) a record low 4.0 percent -- the strongest job market in America.

BEFORE ENGLER: Michigan was losing jobs and families to other states. Sound familiar?
AFTER ENGLER: Michigan companies have created more than 500,000 jobs since 1991.

BEFORE ENGLER: Property taxes were third highest in the nation.
AFTER ENGLER:Biggest tax cut in history reduced school property taxes by more than 80 percent.

So in a perfect world, Engler replaces Stabenow in the senate, and Ted Nugent replaces Granholm in the governor's mansion on Mackinaw Island. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

"uhhh... I'm Pro-Choice Because I Said So!"

2010-04-12T11:36:00.004-04:00

This story made me sick to my stomach - Gendercide: China's shameful massacre of unborn girls means there will soon be 30m more men than women

Apparently it's not uncommon in communist China for beautiful baby girls to be left to die in nearby gutters, what with their "one child" policy, and given the fact that females are not afforded any value above chattel in their culture. These "mothers" are simply exerting their right to choose under legalized abortion, are they not?

"You are only a girl. You are spilt water."

Surely even the staunchest so-called "pro-choice" women in this country can no longer rationalize their barbaric views regarding abortion, can they? How could they denounce this massacre of their own gender and yet still condone the practice of infanticide in any form in this country?

The "choice" can't be any clearer. Either you embrace your neighbor's "unenumerated right" to murder their own child or you must accept the fact that abortion is an abomination in all cases.

...and the results are in. Feminazis can speak out of both sides of their piehole.

and the signs said...
* EVERY HUMAN HAS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE WHAT'S RIGHT FOR THEM
* PRO-WOMAN PRO-CHILD PRO-CHOICE
* THIS FAMILY SUPPORTS PLANNED PARENTHOOD
so I tucked my hair up under my hat, and I went in to ask them why?

"Just because I'm pro-choice doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion!"

Sorry libs, you can't have your fetus and eat it too.

Liberalism really is a brain disorder. It is the only way I can see how they can justify their twisted belief system, and therefore you hold little chance of swaying a liberal to the right side of an issue.

It got me to thinking that logic and reasoning works just as well with a liberal as it does with a protective mother. That is meant to be a smooth segue into the following, which is really all I wanted to blog about today.

My older brother Greg likes to tell the story about when he was a teenager (17 or 18?) and wanted to go on a weekend bike trip (10-speeds, not Harleys) up north with some neighborhood buddies. Now brother Greg, being a bright yet devious teenager, knew that mother would have initial doubts about giving her approval, and so brother Greg formulated his strategy in advance. He wanted to ensure, through the sheer power of his logic, that she would be forced to acquiesce and let him go. Like a boxer who choreographs his moves before entering the ring, Greg felt he had the knockout punch, if it even came to that. You see, he knew the story of our father running away and jumping trains cross-country when he was but just 13-years-old. A little 'ol bike ride pales in comparison to this, and even mother couldn't argue the fact that her husband was a fine man no worse for wear.

Now I know I am drawing this out, and you no doubt are ahead of me when I tell you that our mother flatly rejected him at every turn. If this was in fact a boxing match, my brother's punches were sad and feeble efforts and mother's chin was made of iron.

"It's just for a few days."
"NO!"
"We will not be taking the main roads."
"NO!"
"My friend's parents are letting them go!"
"NO!"

Seeing that his jabs were ineffective against mom's rope-a-dope "just say no" coverup, he went for the "dad jumped trains as a boy" roundhouse uppercut, and asked how she could still say "no" in light of this new evidence. she blocked and countered with a devastating blow of "BECAUSE I SAID SO" one-punch knockout shiver.

Now whenever one of us was sent to the canvas in this fashion by mom rejecting our plea, we almost always falsely assumed she did so without prejudice, and interpretted her "BECAUSE I SAID SO" to mean "go ask your father".

So brother Greg goes to our dad and tells him what happened, asking him to intercede with mom. Since our father was not a crack user, he very rarely thought it prudent to overrule her. When brother Greg laid out his plea to our dad, his wise response has lived on in our family's history, and it is a lesson I have tried very hard to pass down to the next generation with my sons.

"Son, you make a reasonable argument for a reasonable man. However, there is something I think you need to understand. Your mother is no reasonable man."

I shouldn't have to make the obvious distinction between the motivations of a protective mother to that of a protective liberal, so I won't. Consider it your homework assignment.

Obama the Destroyer, and other one-liners

2010-04-10T08:17:00.002-04:00

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers." - Henny Youngman (and Obama's economic policy)

So Obama the Destroyer gets to replace another left wing loon on the high court now that John Paul Stevens has announced his intention to retire.

A Republican named to the court in 1975 by President Gerald R. Ford, Stevens leaves a legacy of defending abortion rights, expanding protection for gays, restricting the availability of the death penalty and ensuring a robust role for judges in interpreting the nation's laws and curbing executive power.

This is just the latest collision in the slow-moving train wreck that is this president. He has already left his debt-laden, economy-destroying mark on this country for a minimum of several generations by spending money we don't have like a drunken Kenyan pirate. He now gets to leave his permanent stain on the high court once again by replacing the bow-tie-wearing ignoramous with a younger, more radical version.

"But DaBlade," you say. "If you've seen one godless lib, you've seen them all. Who cares if Obama replaces one liberal justice with another? We are no worse off after all."

Well, status quo kinda sucks, dontcha think? Especially after 50+ million dead baby corpses (and counting) continue to pile up at the altar of the so-called supreme Court, after their perverted and sick Roe V. Wade decision in 1973. I have always held out hope that I would live to see the day when sanity and morality were restored to this country with the overturning of this "abortion" of justice. It would take a solid majority of Originalist Justices who actually follow the Constitution for this to happen.

What are the chances Obama will nominate someone who holds the Constitution in esteem and not contempt, when he himself has stated he believes it is "deeply flawed"?

"I, Barack Hussein Obama, promise to take a daily constitutional on the Constitution, and to flush this fundamentally flawed document down the toilet with every nomination opportunity I get, so help me... errr... myself"

First came that wise Latina woman to replace David "empty" Souter. Now comes the hundred and twenty something John Paul Stevens, who never had the decency to assume room temperature during the Bush years. Next up, Ruth Buzzi Hindenburg, and all during Obama's first and only term. Unless, of course, he is impeached before then.

Speaking of potential nominees, and in the spirit of the late/great comedian Henny Youngan, all I can say is...

TAKE MY GOVERNOR - PLEASE!

Just be forewarned. If he does, the joke is on you.

Vision Restored For Three Formally Blind Mice!

2010-04-01T08:21:00.000-04:00

Obamacare is no sooner signed into law and suddenly scientists find a cure for mice blindness. Coincidence? Faux News would have you think so. Excuse me, but mice sight is a right, not a priviledge where I come from people.

Praise Gaia, what a miraculous healing! I'm sure my fellow Earthers will agree that this is what Spring Holiday is all about! Rodents who can now find their way to the stash of government cheese.

Please enjoy my new version of this classic and violent nursery ryhme:

Three formally blind mice. Three formally blind mice.
See how they run. See how they run.
A non-viral, synthetic nanoparticle was used,
And cured their retinitis pigmentosa docs mused,
But nothing can be done for the tails they losed,
Three formally blind mice.

BTW, what's up with the farmer's wife and that carving knife? Obviously she is part of some right wing tea party fringe group and the farmer and his neighbors are some sort of militia.

Southbound

2010-03-25T10:50:00.003-04:00

The following is my FB profile picture update for today that I though I should share here...

We've hit a debtberg and are taking on entitlements. Probably be Ok if everyone starts bailing.

DaBlade: "YOU THERE! WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE DROOLING!?"

DeCarlo: "It's just going to be like Christmas. It's going to be great. You know, no worries (about) the bills. We are going to go ahead and pay our co-pay and be alright."

and the band played on.

Maybe I should have said: "We've hit an Entitlementberg and are taking on DEBT." Oh well... you get the picture.

and now for a totally unrelated audio clip of a tune I've been humming lately. Based on the opening lyrics, it sure feels like he is singing about my hometown of Flint...

The boom time it is over
A ghost town is all that's left here
The gold rush it is over
And depression days draw near

Tonight after sundown
I'm going to pack my case
Without a word, without a sound
Disappear without a trace

I just wish I could find the 'Live And Dangerous' version.

Where is Sarah Conner Palin when we need her?

2010-03-22T11:28:00.000-04:00

In the Year of Darkness, 2009, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE OBAMINATOR'

The Obaminator's an infiltration unit, part man, part machine. Underneath, it's a community organizer - Chicago political thug. Very tough. But outside, it's living human tissue - flesh, skin, hair, blood, grown for the democrats...The 600 series Algores had wooden skin. We spotted them easy. But these are new, they look human. Sweat, cigarette breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he moved on you before I could zero him.

Listen, and understand! That Obaminator is out there! It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

SHUT UP! You still don't get it, do you!? He'll find you! That's what he does! It's all he does! You can't stop him! He'll wade through you, reach down your throat, and tear your [blog edit] heart out!!

Come with me if you want to live.

The fix is in

2010-03-18T10:43:00.002-04:00

Is it just me, or is waiting for the CBO to score Obamacare sorta like waiting to see the final score of the Harlem Globetrotter's game...

Slaughter this.

2010-03-16T15:26:00.002-04:00

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi now plans to use the "deem and pass" strategy to push through the Senate's healthcare reform bill.

Hmmm. OK, I'll bite.

I deem my home mortgage paid in full.

I deem the unopened and discarded census form that arrived in the mail today completed and returned to Obama, peace be unto him.

I deem that Pelosi, Reid, Obama, and their blind and ignorant socialist sheeple can kiss my a$$.

Proud (and sad) Dad today

2010-03-13T06:20:00.003-05:00

Author of the following unknown, but this hits home hard today:

These next few weeks may be the last times I see my boy lace ‘em up with an organized team. Fourteen years ago we started, not really knowing anything about this marvelous game. He skated out onto the ice as wobbly as can be. Tonight he glides across the ice cutting his edges into the glimmering sheet of white and throwing snow up to the top of the glass with a hockey stop we could only dream about way back when. He’s worn different jerseys, traveled all over the state and country, in rinks at 6am and 12 midnight. Hotels, motels, sleeping in the van and now the bus – he’s been a real road warrior. He’s had great coaches and some not so great coaches. Some years have been great some not. But all in all, he’s met so many other young men and women that have the same passion and they give their all at game time.

Like you, we’ve spent thousands of dollars on this habit forming game. Sometimes we fell into the marketing and bought the white Fedorov skates, the Nike aluminum sticks, the mini stick games, etc., but we did it for him.

He’s played forward and defense and even played goalie at a tournament and let in 20 goals, but still loved it. Always smiling when he came off the ice, he put reality into our over competitiveness as parents. He simply loved the game.

This week though, it might be different. It may finally hit him that from here on, it might be an occasional lunch skate, Friday night drop in, or maybe adult leagues. How will he deal with it, win or lose after that final game? How will I deal with it?

I only hope we’ve raised him so that his perspective will be positive. He knows that he’s not our only son. Yes, he has a brother that skates too, but over the years he’s had hundred of “brothers” – his team mates. Some have been “best buds”, others have faded into history. But no matter what happens, when and where he ever meets up with these kids again, they have a bond that no one can ever take away. Without a doubt, a hockey team relationships is unique – especially the locker room antics.

Over the next few years, tragedies will occur. Families will split up, some of the parents or even team mates will die and life may longer be as simple as pulling on the old smelly gear. How will my son deal with this? I don’t know, but I do know that through the help of hundreds of other parents, he’s learned so much more about life than I did as a child.

After the last buzzer, God it will be hard. But hugs, tears of disappointment or success will still support the love I have for him and his accomplishments.

Maybe he will continue on. Maybe it’s Juniors, maybe college club hockey, and yes, maybe beer leagues. I may not be able to see him, but I’ll know that if he’s on the ice, he’s in his element and the world is fine.Son, thanks for the joy you’ve given me over the years, you’ve turned out to be an outstanding young man and I’m sure your future is bright. The only thing I ask of you anymore about this game is: When the time is right, please give back for honor and respect those that did the same for you.

Bless all the kids that will lace ‘em up this week and hit the ice in their last games.

It has been one heck of a ride son.

Obama is unveiling his health care proposals

2010-02-25T09:46:00.002-05:00

...and has asked the Republicans to attend in good faith. What could possibly go wrong America?

Spandex or Plastic?

2010-02-19T08:40:00.004-05:00

I believe it was Albert Einstein who once said: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again... especially if that same thing is watching the Olympic Curling competition from the couch through several commercial breaks and expecting an exciting outcome." ...Or something like that.

This is not how I had envisioned my post newspaper career. I always figured it would be me playing shuffleboard on the deck of a ridiculously expensive cruise ship. Oh well. At least there is spandex and drooling involved in both scenarios.

Just so all of you know, most of the above is satire and not necessarily true. I am not spending my time sitting on the couch all day, drooling and feeling sorry for myself, and I never expected a retirement of riches on a cruise ship. I did , however, falsely assume that I would be treated with the consistency and fairness afforded the other departing executives who also found themselves adrift and up the ink creek without a paddle (to continue with the "boat" theme)... but that's for another time.

So in conclusion, that's why I haven't been blogging with any regularity as my computer time has been almost predominately used in actively pursuing employment opportunities. The spandex unitard simply helps prevent chaffing in this endeavor.

OK, it also makes me feel spectacular, ITAWWT?

While I'm here, I might as well take this opportunity to point out a few things I have noticed lately...

In his SOTU address in 1996, President Clinton declared "The era of big government is over." Of course, he was biting his bottom lip and had his fingers crossed behind his back when he said it... but say it, he did.

I am just thankful that Obama, peace be unto him, saw the error of this statement when he poured trillions of dollars into boondoggle projects and future democrat/union slush funds to "stimulate" the economy and save jobs. Sure, the economy continues to shed jobs by the millions, but just think how much worse it could have been.

By the way, I missed Obama's SOTU address. Did he make a declaration that "The era of big Walmart is over", as the behemoth discount retail chain suffers it's first U.S. sales decline?

Great timing. Just as I enter Obama's underground economy, I can't even land a position as a Walmart greeter.

I had my wardrobe all picked out to.

BTW, Tiger Woods owes ME a personal apology. Why do I say this? Well, Heller has been wrong 98.2% of the time, so I'm just playing the odds on this.