If I were the pope

White smoke began to billow from the Vatican chimney, a clear sign that the Pope was dead and that the cardinals had elected a new one. Throngs of church progressives and the anti-Catholic press excitedly poured into Saint Peter's Square, gazing anxiously up at the Basilica balcony in hopes of seeing a new pope.

Out onto the balcony I walk (think General Patton, only wearing a tall hat and flowing robe), a burning cigar clenched between my teeth the now obvious source of the clouds of smoke. A hush falls across the assembled masses as they gaze upon my magnificence. Realization sets in and I take the look of shock-and-awe on their faces as my cue to begin.

Sorry to disappoint you jackasses, but it's still me. That's right, Daddy is going to start to take the training wheels off.

So I took the Popemobile down to the gas station to pick up a newspaper this morning, and the big headline of the day seems to be my condom quote to that German journalist who is writing a book. Not surprisingly, my words are being twisted in the press and being given meaning that isn't there, so let me clear up a few things.

It is true that Church teaching opposes the use of condoms as a form of artificial contraception. And yes, I did tell that journalist fella that the use of condoms can be justified in some cases, such as for male prostitutes seeking to prevent the spread of HIV. Here is my quote:

"There may be justified individual cases, for example when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be ... a first bit of responsibility, to re-develop the understanding that not everything is permitted and that one may not do everything one wishes... But it is not the proper way to deal with the horror of HIV infection... In certain cases, where the intention is to reduce the risk of infection, it can nevertheless be a first step on the way to another, more humane sexuality."
Pope Benedict XVI

Sorry haters, but I do not find a conflict here. Your headlines may scream "AIDS campaigners welcome pope's u-turn on condoms" and Australia welcomes papal shift on safe sex, but there seems to be a lot of wishful thinking going on out there.

Let's see if I can break this down for your feeble little minds.
* The church opposes condom use for contraception.
* Male prostitutes are not in danger of getting pregnant nor impregnating their gay Johns.
* Church doctrine also allows room for Howie Mandell to use a condom as a hat.

so while I was not condoning male prostitution, I figure they might as well wear a condom to provide some level of protection while engaged in their sinful behavior. Hell, I would say the same thing to some yahoo who insisted on putting a wet finger into the wall socket. Uhhh, hey bud, ya really shouldn't do that... but if you insist, at least wear a rubber glove.

Don't even think that I've forgotten how displeased many of you were when I was elected back in 2005. Hey, if you recall, I didn't exactly want this gig either. I know many of you have been upset by my being a staunch defender of orthodox Catholic doctrine, and that I have put the brakes on the progressive movements in the church. To that I say, guilty as charged.

Newsflash folks. The Word of God is unyielding, and His Church does not require "modernization". His Book is not a living-breathing document, and there will never be ammendments that excuse homosexuality, same-sex marriage, euthanasia, or abortion. I know I'm supposed to hate the sin but love the sinner, but some of you really make that difficult sometimes.