Holey Mattressmony - A Love Story About a Man and his Couch

First the sad reality.
Wisconsin Man Pleads Guilty To Couch Sex
...and the so-called Supreme Court remains silent on this issue.

JUNE 24--A man who was caught last year having sex with a couch discarded on a Wisconsin street pleaded guilty this afternoon to a public lewdness charge.

As Obama takes yet another lavish family vacation at our expense (this time to his homeland), his destructive policies continue to kill more and more jobs and adding to the already tens of millions of unemployed Americans who have long since given up hope.

It is only expected that a large number of these desperate individuals turn for comfort and love to the one constant in their lives - The one thing that didn't abandon them and has spent every day with them since Obama took office. Yes, I am talking about their beds and favorite pieces of furniture.

During a hearing in Waukesha County Circuit Court, Gerard Streator, 47, copped to a misdemeanor charge stemming from September’s illicit curbside encounter.

A day after the Supreme Court struck down DOMA, democrat politicians have hailed the decision, calling it a "great, historic day for equality in America." And yet this poor Wisconsin man is allowed to be persecuted for his love? Where is this equality you speak of?

Obama promised "he wouldn't make" churches marry gays, but maybe he should use the full force and threat of government to MAKE churches marry people and their (insert inanimate object here).


I love a good wedding. Here is how this poor persecuted Wisconsin man SHOULD have been treated. A taxpayer funded wedding! Word of caution, if you cried during the ceremony for Luke and Laurie, have a box or two of tissues handy.

Celebrant:
We are gathered on this Waukesha County street corner today, to join together this man and this discarded couch in holey mattressmony - which is an honourable and solemn estate and entered into reverently and soberly... (*sniff* alcohol and urine permeate the air) Hmmm, one out of two ain't bad... Into this estate this person and this piece of furniture come now to be joined. If any one can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their box springs and pillow cushions. Who gives this couch to be married to this man?

House Occupant (and previous owner of couch - standing on his porch): I do, I guess. I mean... I threw the piece of sh*& to the curb there. Don't really care what the f*&k happens to it now.

Celebrant to Groom:
Do you take this couch for your lawful wedded furniture, to live in the holey estate of mattressmony? Will you love, honour, comfort, and cherish her from this day forward and not beat the stuffing out of her, forsaking all other couches, sectionals, end tables and Lazy-Boys, keeping only unto her for as long as you both shall live?

Groom:
I do.

Celebrant:
May the furniture tag, removeable under penalty of law, be a symbol of your love and commitment. The husband may now hump the cushions.

What therefore Art Van hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

TIME FOR THE RECEPTION!!