Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts entered his study, closing and locking the door behind him. He pulled his black robe over his head and put it on the hook mounted on the back of his door. He always enjoyed sitting around in his plaid onesie unitard sipping hot cocoa after a long day of oral arguments.
Today was different, however. Roberts knew that his performance in the Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood cases against the HHS mandate earlier in the day would have gotten back to The One who shall not be named, and he wouldn't be happy.
**RING** **RING** **RING**
Roberts stared horrifyingly at his ringing Blackberry. Not answering was NOT an option. He'd found that out the hard way in the past when The One's surveillance assets and miniature camo house drones had uncovered his "I was in the shower" lie.
ROBTS: Hullo?
The One: Did you know thaaaat... there are 132 rooms, 35 bathrooms, and 6 levels in the White House?
ROBTS: uhhh... Sir?
The One: That's a lot of rooms to heat. Good thing there are 28 fireplaces here. Problem is, the environmental wackos wouldn't appreciate me burning wood and pollutin' the environment, even though my choom gang puts out more smoke than Airforce One, ya feel me?
ROBTS: I'm sorry, do I feel... wha?
The One: Shut up aaand... just listen. So then I see this story where 15,000 aborted babies were incinerated to heat a UK hospital, and then it hits me! While my base would revolt against theeee... use of wood, they would have no problem with me burning fetus logs to heat the White House.
Aaaand there is an endless supply of these bad boys... and girls. Over 50 Million abortions in this country makes quite a stack of cord wood, ya know what I'm sayin'? The problem is that I have developed an affinity for the UK fetus logs. Those British babies seem to burn more evenly. What can I say? like fine French wines, I have expensive tastes.
ROBTS: Why are we talking about fetus logs again?
The One: Because Justice Anthony Kennedy is trying to make this case about abortion when he asked whether the government’s reasoning would mean “a profit corporation could be forced in principle to pay for abortions.” Then what did you say Roberts?
ROBTS: I simply stated that the companies say the mandate already does just that.
The One: That's the problem Roberts. I need you to align your position to be in agreement with my female political hack partisan Justices Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Forget once and for all about some 200 plus year old document. This is about women's rights. This is about not daring to oppose me. Remember last time you tried to oppose me Roberts?
ROBTS: I remember. I suffered a benign idiopathic seizure, which means it does not have a known cause.
The One: Thaaaat's right. But we know what really caused that epileptic seizure, don't we Roberts?
Let me be clear. We can do things the easy way or we can do things the hard way. Do you enjoy flopping around on the ground and foaming at the mouth from a grand mal seizure? Maybe the next time I just give you the Breibart cocktail instead and I find me a new Chief justice. Would you like thaaat Roberts?
ROBTS: *shakes head 'no' *
The One: I saw that. (conciliatory tone) C'mon Roberts. Let's make this easy. Take that old bag Ruth Buzzy Ginsberg. She's, what?... over 100 years old? You think that's luck? No, no, no. Obamacare giveth, Obamacare taketh away. We can prop that old bag up for another term or two. Cooperate and we can do that for you. Are we on the same page again? No more acting stupidely.
Now go drink your hot cocoa.
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