VOICEOVER ANNOUNCER GUY: Are you tired of those intolerant and homophobic Christians on your FaceBook feed who cling to their deeply held religious convictions by so far refusing to "celebrate pride" by
overlaying their profile pictures with the rainbow filter tool? Well now you can do something about it!
New! From RumpCo! Introducing the Circle Twerk!
It's retro 1950s technology consisting of a revolving color wheel and cellophane color inserts. Originally used to convert black and white TVs to color,
but now you can... INSTANTLYCONVERT
by force those pesky homophobic CHRISTIAN friends...
Just set the Circle Twerk wheel in front of your laptop, iPad, cellphone or other viewing device, and give that circle a twerk! INSTANT PRIDE!
JOHNNY: But announcer guy, there are only red, blue, green, and yellow cellophane inserts. The rainbow flag also includes orange and purple!
ANNOUNCER GUY: Just spin the Circle Twerk faster, Johnny. I have a warehouse full of these things, so I don't know what else to tell ya!
IT'S FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!
JOHNNY: UH OH! GRAMPA ISN'T WEARING ANY PANTS AGAIN!
ANNOUNCER GUY: Don't worry, Johhny! Grampa is just proudly displaying to the world and the 2% who are actually gay, his support of buggery and sodomy! The Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 declaring that same-sex marriage is a right, therefore the 75% who identify as Christian will just need to change their beliefs. Right Mr. President?
Whoops! Don't look now grampa, but I think Johnny dropped the remote control again!
COMING SOON! The Circle Twerk bicycle helmet mount!
6th GRADE TEACHER (in the not too distant future): Good morning my young lesbians, gays, bi-sexuals and transgendereds!...
oh, and you too boys and girls? Please stop talking and/or fornicating
with your neighbor, roll up your prayer rugs, extinguish all non-medical
marijuanna - and please put your condoms, dirty needles and any
recently aborted fetuses under your desks.
Today's godless common core socialist progressive state-controlled lesson plan explores the three branches of our federal government. We will not be wasting time learning about some dead racist white crackers who wore powdered wigs in the late 1700s, and how they intended separation of powers to work. I mean really children, that is so racist, and sooooo yesterday!
Think of today's three branches of government as a braided rope. Three separate strands twisted and working together, and becoming stronger as a unit than they are on their own and working against the State.
It's called tinsel strength children, but you can call it whatever you want on the next quiz for an "A"!
The first and most important branch is the Executive branch, which is the president. Before 2008, the president held no power over the other two branches, and sometimes the president would have to compromise with the mean old Republicans or they would threaten to shut down the government!
***audible shocked gasps and sobs erupt in the classroom***
I know, children. Back then, if the president acted outside the rules written on some old parchment by those old, dead, white racist crackers, he could be impeached!
***looks of confusion from the stoned 6th grade seniors***
That means the president wouldn't be able to golf every day.
***audible shocked gasps and sobs erupt in the classroom***
Settle down children. President Obama changed all that. In fact, we can skip the other two branches of government, because they both now work in concert together and do what the Democrat President says. It's much simpler this way children. No push back. No opposition. No gridlock. And if someone gets it in his or her head to go rogue against the State?... Don't worry. The media would report them, and let's just say that 3-strand rope we talked about would take care of the problem.
Those little rugrats grow up so fast to join the swelling ranks of the rest of the millions of Americans on disability, social security, unemployment compensation and food stamps!
A 25-year-old six-foot-tall cage fighter beheaded an 82-year-old woman with a machete during a 45-minute rampage through London back gardens was on Tuesday found not guilty of murder (because):
A) The elderly woman was wearing a shawl with the confederate flag emblem.
B) He was making change for a $140 item on e-bay after receiving payment with a newly minted 'Islamic Dinar' coin worth $139. Have a penny, take a penny?
C) He believed in strict gun control laws.
D) He believed she was Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.
E) In "Progressive World," these could all be equally true.
*Cue Theme song* (Think horns, drum rolls, out-of-tune string pieces and other various non-complimentary musical instruments played by deaf people for the first time.) *start fog machine*
Liiive!... from the Chattering Teeth Studios, it's time to play, What's My Trans?
It's your favorite blog feature game show where you, the audience, are the panelists tasked with matching the correct quote with the transracial and/or transgender contestant. I'm your host, Jerry DaBlade!
Now, let's meet our contestants.
A) First up in the post position, the Montana-born lilly white gal with the horse face, spray-on tan and "finger in the light socket" hair meet Rachel Dolezal. Like our current President, Rachel misrepresented herself as a black civil rights activist, but is now well known to be a fraud.
B) Up next, meet the hideously ugly, middle-aged white chick name Caitlyn Jenner who was born a white male. Like our First Lady, I believe Caitlyn is still biologically a male, but at least Caitlyn has the common courtesy "to tuck," but that's none of my business.
C) Next, we have Robert Matthew Van Winkle, better known by his stage name, Vanilla Ice. He gained fame performing rap music with songs that repeatedly have the word "Yo" in them, and has been called "the first #transblack man". He manages to stay in the public eye with a home improvement TV show and the occasional petty larceny.
D) Last, we have Chuck Knipp. Chuck is a gay, white male comedian best known for his most popular radio show character, a black, straight female welfare queen, Shirley Q. Liquor.
Let's begin. Hands on your buzzers... not you, Caitlyn. I was talking to the Chattering Teeth blog studio audience. Besides, that's not "your buzzer."
Circle the correct answer on your screen whem prompted: A. Rachel Dolezal B. Caitlyn Jenner C. Vanilla Ice D. Shirley Q Liquor
DaBlade: Who said,
1) "Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know, Turn off the lights and I'll glow." "Dance, go rush the speaker that booms, I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom" "If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it, Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"
2) "Actually, I don’t like the term African-American; I prefer black. So, if asked, I would say, yes, I consider myself to be black." "We’re all from the African continent." (Are you African American?) “I don’t understand the question"
3) "I wish I were kind of normal. It would be so much more simple...The uncomfortableness of being me never leaves all day long. I'm not [transitioning] to be interesting. I'm doing this to live."
If you guessed "A. Rachel Dolezal" for all four random quotes, you are not correct, but I can see why you would think that. In fact, it was that crazy white chick with the horse face that successfully passed herself off as black who made me think of Shirley Q Liquor.
What? Some of you have never heard of Shirley Q? Her 'Kwanzaa Memories' CD has been a Christmas tradition in our family for the last 20 or so years. I'm being serious. All 3 of my boys know every track by heart, and I gifted this CD to my brothers and sister and their families many years ago. Shirley quotes randomly pop up at family gatherings throughout the year ('you ignunt!'). Every Christmas season, we try and do a road trip to cut our own tree, and this is usually when I bust this CD out.
Like I said, Rachel Dolezal made me think of Shirley Q. With Rachel's resignation as an NAACP Leader yesterday, there is now a vacuum of leadership in this racist organization. Who better to fill this void than a gay, white male who passes himself off as a straight, black welfare queen with '19 childrens'? There is one stip. Kipp has to fully transform by stating Shirley is really who he is, and it is not a comedy act. Then it's not only 'OK', but something to be celebrated. Confusing, right?
Times change. It was just 2007 when "A national campaign to retire white gay comedian Charles Knipp’s character Shirley Q. Liquor, a self described inarticulate Black woman on welfare with 19 kids, has been kicked off by activists after the success in canceling a scheduled performance in Los Angeles during Black History Month."
Apparently, his Shirley Q act was/is considered racist, though Kipp has a closet full of characters he performs and even lampoons his many white characters. But because he is white, he is not allowed to satirize a black character. Not once does Mr. Kipp make the claim that Shirley represents ALL black women, but we are not allowed to believe even one obamaphone lady exists, because somehow that perpetuates a stereotype. Seems weird, for its the socialist, progressive welfare state that breeds these types of societal parasites of all colors. However, it is OK for the Wayan brothers to do the double trans White Chicks, and nobody raises an eyebrow because they are black. Oh, and it is never acceptable to insult the mooozlim 'prophet'.
Got all that?
Jerry Seinfeld (and others) have stated they will not do their comedy at colleges because kids have been so PC indoctrinated that they humorless kids do not allow satire of any sort.
Now that our society and culture have been completely "transformed" where up is down and the perverse is the norm, Shirley Q Liquor is the perfect transracial AND transgender NAACP leader candidate!
Zeke is crouching by the back slider with his orange ball at his feet, doing his best to look pathetic and garner sympathy in the hopes that someone will find it in their heart to throw the ball so he can be a good boy and go get it and bring it back so one of us can pick it up and throw it in the yard so he can be a good boy and go get it and bring it back so one of us can pick it up and throw it so he can be a good boy and go get it...
ok, I'm guessing you get the picture. Zeke has a fetch fetish and the only prescription is more cow bell. And by 'cow bell', I mean 'pick it up and throw it so Zeke can be a good boy and go get it and bring it back so we can throw it again ad naseum, rinse and repeat'.
My arm hurts.
Zeke is very persistent with the crouch by the door. Why am I reminded of that Sarah McLachlan commercial? The one with the sad, abused, beaten and neglected dogs peering from the confines of their cage, while that Angel soundtrack tugs at your heart strings and McLachlan tugs at your purse strings.
Hi, I’m Sarah McLachlan, will you be an angel for a helpless animal? Every day, his owners refuse to throw the ball in the yard for more than a few hundred times per hour, when all he wants is just one more throw so he can be a good boy and go get it and bring it back, so these neglectful owners can pick it up and throw it just ONE MORE TIME! Call now. For just sixteen dollars a month, (only 60 cents a day,) this good boy will get that one more throw he so much deserves... Your call says ‘I’m here to help.’ Please call right now.”
in the arms of the angel fly away from here ball from this cold dark doorstep and the lost ball that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here
Full disclosure. I do a little freelance over at INSANITY. Probably NOT a huge surprise to regular Chattering Teeth News readers, as they would be considered "under suspicion" themselves. Here's a sneak preview of this month's feature!
DIANE SAWYER INTERVIEWS CORPSE OF SECLUDED MOTEL MANAGER'S DEAD MOTHER!
Full disclosure, part two. I should state here that Miss Sawyer was not exactly a 100% willing participant in this interview, as she was tied to a chair and forced to question a dried husk mummy corpse in a rocking chair, while Norman answered for his "mother" while sharpening a kitchen knife. I LOVE a good ventriloquist.
MOTHER: I’ve been thinking about this day forever. How do I tell my story?... Grab some tissue... and maybe a tourniquet for later.
SAWYER: So "mother" is...
MOTHER: Mother is sad. It's sad, when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man... as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds.
SAWYER: And Norman is...
MOTHER: Everybody has stuff in their life that they have to deal with you know? He is a psychopath stuck in his dead mother's clothing, but aside from that, he is a very good motel manager.
NORMAN: I’m me. I’m a person and this is who I am. I’m not stuck in my dead mother's dress. It’s just who I am as a psychopathic serial killer. My brain is much more rotting female corpse than it is male hotel manager. It’s hard for people to understand that. But that’s what my soul is.
NORMAN: I look at it this way. Norman always telling a lie. He’s lived a lie his whole life about who he is. And I can’t do that any longer. Should I take my collection of scalped ponytails on a rope out? Yeah, why not? We’re talking about all this stuff. Yeah, let’s take the damn collection of scalped ponytails on a rope out.
SAWYER: *lip quivering* C- c- can I g.g.g.go home now?
MOTHER: They know I can't move a finger, and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do... suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly..."
