Starbucks Racial-bias Education Day

Starbucks to close stores on May 29 for barista racial-bias education day

Starbucks will close 8,000 of the company's U.S.-based locations to train 175,000 employees and address implicit bias, promote inclusion and help prevent discrimination.

This is in response to the public outrage after two men were arrested in a Philadelphia Starbucks for 'loitering while black'. They claim they had every intention of 'caffeinating while black', which is still legal in parts of the country, but were waiting for a business associate.

Chattering Teeth Blog has confirmed this business associate's identity as possible being none other than the notorious 'Dr Snoop Ice Crack Daddy'. But really, what does that have to do with the outrageous price of tea in a Chinese Starbucks?

In any case, we here at the CT studios raise our steaming mugs filled to the brim with cheaper and tastier home brewed coffee and salute this thinly veiled virtue signalling by Starbucks. In fact, this calls for another one of those "Weak and Bitter" Coffee Salutes Obama made famous.


So this got my fertile and highly caffeine-soaked synapses sparking, while simultaneously blocking my neurotransmitter adenosine's receptors. If Starbucks is closed on May 29 for racial-bias education day, then I call the next day when they re-open on May 30th to be recognized as Barista Profiling Test Day. What better way to show our appreciation to this over-priced coffee outlet than to test their employees to ensure their re-education indoctrination mind-control camps actually worked and these lessons took?

My problem is, that as a product of white male priviledge, I expect to be immediately hustled to the front of the line upon entering this crowded cafe. The only way to see if abhorent barista behavior has been modified is if their stores are suddenly flooded with homeless black men wearing ripe rags and shopping carts filled with their entire wordly possessions in tow, cruising back and forth while arguing with themselves. Your serve, Starbucks.

On second thought, I can still test the baristas for racial bias, even while dripping with the stank of white male priviledge. I just need to disguise myself as a white liberal progressive filled with guilt, since it's well known that libprogs are racists to the core and Starbucks is a leftist libprog organization.

~ ~ DREAM SEQUENCE ~ ~

May 30, 2018, at a local Starbucks:
So after wrestling my 220-lb manly frame into a fluffy blouse and skinny jeans, I check my rouge and eye shadow from my compact, adjust my clip-on earring (left is 'right'?) and approach the counter...

BARISTA: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you today?

BLADE: I like my coffee like I like my women...

BARISTA: We only serve coffee like we serve women. Fetus free. You like women?

[I slink away, thinking my liberal 'man' disguise might be a little much. I go into the bathroom of indiscriminate gender and wash off the makeup and lose the ear and nipple rings. I return to the counter to try again...]

BLADE: Yes, I like my coffee like I like my women... Can you guess how that is?...

[I've laid the trap perfectly. If the barista says a racially charged joke in bad taste - something like, 'black and bitter' - then I will know their education did not take.]

BARISTA: Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the Andes behind a donkey?

[Hmmm. Starbuck's racial-bias education day apparently didn't cover gender discrimination (or domestic abuse).]

BLADE: I like my coffee like I like my women. Double barreled K-cups. Blonde Roast, mild and slightly nutty.

THE END

PICTURED: Sensitive to the criticism, President Obama now stops and gives a proper salute to every Starbucks and coffee shop he passes.