It's a Wonderful Roll of Toilet Paper

Watching the news conference yesterday when President Trump urged Americans not to hoard groceries amid coronavirus panic reminded me of the bank run scene from It's a Wonderful Life. It made me realize that this movie classic should be updated and improved with these proposed overdubs.

Scene: George pushes through the mob in the lobby of his corner supermarket feigning cheerfulness and trying to calm down the panic.

George: Hello, everybody. What's the matter here, can't you get in? The Federal Reserve has made me very happy by lowering interest rates. I congratulate the Federal Reserve. I think it’s terrific.

Charlie: I'll take mine now.

George: No, but you're thinking of this place all wrong. As if I had the toilet paper back in a safe. The toilet paper's not here. It's in Joe's bathroom. You don’t have to buy so much,” the president said. “Take it easy. Just relax.” There’s no need for anybody in the country to hoard essential food supplies. The stores will stay open.

Charlie I want one pack of Charmin, and one pack of Charmin isn't going to break anyone.

Mrs. Thompson: My husband hasn't wiped in over a year and I need toilet paper.

George How much do you need?

Mrs. Thompson: But it's your own toilet paper?

George Never mind about that. How much do you need?

Mrs. Thompson: I'll take one square.

George Bless your heart!


ZUZU: Teacher says, every time a toilet flushes, a free-market capitalist is able to wipe their ass.

George (smiling): That's right. That's right.