What do you call the night before Halloween? An interesting regional dialect survey. Of course, it was conducted by the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee, where they still insist on calling drinking fountains, "bubblers".
This was a little surprising to me, as I always assumed everyone called it Devil's Night, a night set aside to huddle inside with the family, girding our loins, keeping our heads down and warming ourselves by the Molotov cocktail fire.
Click the link above to see the individual maps for each answer. If you live in an isolated area of the country that refers to this night as "goosey night," please tell your uncle papa I said "hi".
This should have been a debate question for our presidential candidates. I'm guessing there are different activities associated with each.
CNBC MODERATOR: Mr. Trump. My progressive media comrades believe you are running a “comic book” campaign. In fact, we find it highly suspicious that Dr. Otto Octavius, better known as Doc Ock, is a super-villain and arch enemy of Spiderman, and is described by witnesses as an out-of-shape, middle-aged guy with a hilariously bad haircut. Is it a coincidence, sir, that there are no photographs of Doc Ock and you together? Mr. Trump, are you Doc Ock?
TRUMP: That’s not a very nice question. Though I will admit to having four super strong metallic appendages attached to my back. And another thing, THEY'RE HUUUGE! But that's what happens when there is an accidental radiation leak that ends in an explosion.
CNBC MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, you've stated over and over again about building a wall. How will you do so, sir, and do you hate immigrants?
TRUMP: I LOVE the Hispanics. It's HUUUGE spiders that I hate. As for the wall, I will build the wall using large, steel tentacles that I control telepathically from a great distance. And I will make Mexico pay for it.
CNBC MODERATOR: Mr Trump, Isn't it true you've filed bankruptcy in the past?
TRUMP: I used the laws to my advantage as a business man. I've got a lot of hands in a lot of different businesses with my Sinister Six organization, believe me. A lot of hands. And they're HUUUGE!
CNBC MODERATOR: So you're saying you ARE or are NOT the legendary Supervillain, Doctor Octopus?
TRUMP: Doc Ock is a Seventh Day Adventist, ok? I don't know about that. I am a middle of the road Presbyterian. Now if you'll excuse me, your two hours are up. I've got to get the hell out of here. I have a business appointment with Peter Parker, and his consciousness isn't going to clone itself.
Obama meets with teachers today to discuss his plans to limit the amount of time public school children spend taking tests.
Specifically, the administration called for a cap on assessment so that no child would spend more than 2 percent of classroom instruction time taking tests.
"A 2% cap on tests. That leaves something like 99% for full bore indoctrination," stated Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan.
I 'slept in' for about an extra hour today, finally rolling out of bed around 6:30AM. My bladder is a very effective alarm clock, and once up, my brain rarely allows me to hit the 'snooze' button.
Every morning, the early routine is the same. I get the coffee started and step outside with Zeke. I've already told you about Zeke's Fetch Fetish. He is so fixated on that orange rubber ball that he waits until I throw it before he chases it into the yard in order to take his morning whiz. It's too dark for him to catch the ball, but this doesn't stop him from tracking it by sound.
For the last few weeks, the pre-dawn Eastern sky has been conspicuously flaunting three planets visible to the naked eye. While Zeke has not been impressed, it inspired me to write this Haiku that you are now blessed that I am sharing. Please have a box of Kleenex handy, as reading this may well evoke spontaneous emotional waterworks.
Constellation gaze Venus, Jupiter and Mars Dog takes morning wiz
Thank you.
Don't worry, you haven't missed this celestial conjunction. Per Space Weather, "The next five mornings will be equally wonderful. From Oct. 25th to Oct. 29th Venus, Jupiter and Mars will fit together inside a circle only 5 degrees wide."
Just don't expect it to inspire you to write a Haiku of equal freestyle flourish as moi'. While I would have preferred my natural talent be in ice hockey, I will just have to accept the mantle of my prodigyship for word thingys.
Which reminds me. While looking at the planets this morning, I also had the inspiration for my first novel. I will now share the outline I have so far, as long as you promise not to steal my idea. I call it...
"The Venusian"
PLOT SUMMARY: It's about an astronaut named Mary Watney who ends up getting stranded on Venus because her fellow female astronauts excitedly left without her after receiving a text regarding a sale on gravity boots back home. Not to worry, for Mary is a highly trained and skilled botanist. Spending weeks using astronaut poop to make usable Venusian soil, Mary is more than hopeful her crop of Roses will bloom just fine. "OMG! Those flowers will certainly cheer up this gloomy habitat," Mary says out loud to her combo diary entry recorder and makeup mirror. As for chosing a crop of roses versus, say, potatoes, the onboard computer tells her she could stand to lose a few pounds. The Venusian Diet is born!
There will be action scenes galore in my book, as the reader will feel like they are part of the action as Astronaut Mary cuts up the other gal's spacesuits to make curtains. When the water supply reaches critical levels, Mary is forced to only wash her hair every other day. I don't want to give too much away at this point, but take heart in the fact that her female crew mates return for her rescue. It was inadvertent, as they took a wrong turn at the Kuiper belt because they thought it clashed with the Hermes silvery shell. In any case, the reunion and rescue is tear-filled, as Mary's fellow Astronauts jealously gape at how her spacesuit hangs on her now gaunt frame.
This could be big. Who knows, maybe even a movie deal?
I think it a little bizarre for a RINO like Paul Ryan to be making a list of demands when he instead should be adding to a lengthy Mea Culpa list.
Cue wavy lines for another Chattering Teeth dream sequence...
Paul Ryan adds to his conditions for serving as House Speaker. Now that the tide of support seems to be going in his favor, he's doubling down.
RYAN: I cannot and will not give up my family time. And by "family time", I mean I will not miss one weekend sitting on my couch in Wisconsin, wearing my cheesehead hat and watching the Packer's game. I know one of the Speaker's main jobs has been to raise money for colleagues. Well, you're welcome to put some money down on the Packers yourselves.
CT NEWS: Mr. Ryan, are you saying you plan on treating the Speakership like a 40 hour per week job?
RYAN: 40 hours? I don't think so. I'm not a machine. I will also require long lunches. Walks in the park... and do you think this hair gels itself? No, I'd say we can agree on a good 2 or 3 hours of solid Speakership each week, not counting the times we go on break.
CT NEWS: Earlier this week, you stated, "we need to move from being an opposition party to a proposition party." Can you expound on that?
RYAN: It's not a deal breaker for me. I could live with us being an Imposition party if we can't get a unanimous agreement on that proposition thing. I mean, I'll even accept an agreement that we move from an opposition party to a Supposition party...
*crickets*
RYAN: Can I get an Amen for a Malposition party?
CT NEWS: Any other conditions you'd like to add, sir?
RYAN: Yes. We need to unify as a party and rally around the radical idea that I am not a complete doofus. I don't want to hear anymore talk about how I helped Romney lose the last election by losing my debate with Joe Biden. In fact, I demand each member of the Freedom Caucus give a filibuster on the subject, stating I dominated... and complimenting my hair.
BERNIE: There is no justice, and I want you to hear this clearly, when the top 1/10th of 1 percent of pumpkins on your farm comprise almost as much pie mix and pumpkin puree as the bottom 90 percent on my farm. There is only so much pie to go around at the Farmer's Market Bakery!
FARMER: That's not true on this farm, old man. The more pumpkins I grow, the more the number of pumpkin pies my wife is able to bake. And the BIGGER the pumpkins, the more seeds are available for the next crop.
BERNIE: But just look at the excess of your prize-winning 1,700 pound behemoth sitting on that flatbed. Obviously this greedy pumpkin absorbed more than its fair share of sunshine, rain and nutrients. That's immoral!
FARMER: It's true that my pumpkins are larger than the ones on your farm. But explain to me again exactly how my larger pumpkins have any effect on the size of yours? How do my large pumpkins make yours necessarily smaller? Your seeds had the same access to the "sunshine, rain and nutrients." It's not my fault you and your pumpkins laid around in bad soil doing weed all day.
BERNIE: This immoral inequality is because the system is rigged! Wealthy farmers and politicians have allied to game the system in their favor. This crony capitalism is not right. It's immoral. And that's why we need democrat socialism farming.
FARMER: I would agree there is tremendous corruption in the system, but crony capitalism and your democrat socialism are two sides of the same coin. You are proposing more of the same for your fix, only you want to be the one to pick the winners and losers. At the same time you are demonizing Free-market capitalism, which is what made this country great, raised more from poverty and remains our only hope for a return to prosperity.
BERNIE: Free-market capitalism is immoral!
FARMER: Free-market capitalism is neither moral or immoral. "No social system can survive without a moral base," said Ayn Rand. That's what we are lacking, if you ask me. We no longer have a moral populace in a large part due to government's intervention. I'm for separation of farm and state, but I am even more in favor of a limited government that gets back to protecting our religious freedoms, promotes the traditional family and discontinues its obfuscation of truth with its grip on our schools and the media. But then again, we were talking about pumpkins...
BERNIE: The pie eaters over at my farm insist on a downward “transfer” of pumpkins from your farm to mine. Let's say 90%ish. That should do it.
FARMER: If that happens, good luck with next year's crop.
In Back to the Future Part II, Marty McFly travels thirty years forward in time, from 1985 to Wednesday, October 21, 2015. I was there to meet him.
NOTE: Pay no attention to the post date. I borrowed the Delorean.
ME: Hello, Marty. I know you're looking for a newsstand so you can grab a print newspaper from a tall stack and dramatically scan the front page in order to get your bearings.
...About those newspaper thingys. They're a little hard to find these days. Just add one more personal disappoint about your future. But not to worry, for I will be your 2015 guide. Any questions?
MCFLY: Where are all the hoverboards and flying cars? Better yet, where is my friend, Doc? He is an old dude with a shock of wild and unruly white hair and sounds a little crazy...
MCFLY: Whoa. I guess that's what happens with 30 years of plutonium exposure from a leaky flux capacitor. What's the witch's excuse?
ME: Her husband is a leaky "1.21 gigawatt"... I'm not completely sure what that means, but it sounded funny in my head.
MCFLY: Whatever. What about my flying skateboard and self-lacing shoes and all the cool stuff I was promised? And what's with all these freaks walking around with the facial studs and tattoos? Uhoh. Are those two dudes?
ME: Taking your last question first, this is California. As for the cool stuff, let me answer that question with a question of my own. Who was president in 1985 when you departed?
MCFLY: Ronald Reagan. The Gipper. Ronaldus Maximus.
ME: Exactly right. You see, McFly, except for maybe the mullet and Parachute pants, the 80s were a time filled with hope and optimism for the future and all its possibilities. And why not? When Reagan was sworn in as president in 1981, he was inheriting an economy in tatters due to half a century of misguided liberal policies of over-taxation, massive spending and strangulating regulations.
In Reagan’s first Inaugural Address he stated, “Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem.” Reagan managed to defeat the misery index by the sheer force of his will, by his deep and abiding faith in God, love of family and by the unshakable confidence in free-market principles.
His optimism was contagious to the American people, and President Reagan's policies set in motion 25 years of a record-setting economic boom felt all around the world.
Of course, McFly, you wouldn't know all that back in 1985. You were still in the "optimistic for the future" mode. Ronald Reagan was in charge, so why not? That, and Barack Obama was just a community organizer on Chicago's south side. If there is a multiverse, rest assured obama is a janitor in every other one. And the witch is in prison.
MCFLY: OK, so if Reagan was successful, why the desolation and look of hopelessness among the masses?
ME: Well, Reagan was only partially successful implementing his agenda by going around the Democrats in control of the other branches and taking his case directly to the American people. That, and we took a wrong turn by passing the reigns of government to 3 administrations of establishment Republicans and almost 4 of full throttled socialist democrat presidents. Hence, no flying hover thingys, rather just a massive amount of debt, open borders and a world in chaos.
MCFLY: What is this obamacare, and why is Biff wearing a Navigator name tag and insisting I sign up for it?
ME: Trust me, you don't really want to know. Suffice it to say that plutonium sickness would be much more preferable.
MCFLY: So the future is bleak, and the American Dream is officially dead?
ME: Maybe yours is, Marty, but not for the rest of us. At least a hopeless future is not necessarily etched in stone. It depends on what road we take from here. Our choice remains. Do we travel the old and failed pothole-filled dirt road of socialism that leads to inevitable further decay and eventual genocide?
Or do we go Back to the Future promised by our Founding Fathers, and re-energized by President Reagan from your world?
MCFLY: What if I reset this time machine for 30 years from now to the year 2045? What do you need to do NOW to get me a ride on that magical hoverboard?
ME: First and foremost, pray. Oh, and wear this button and spread the word.
Let's go back. Back to the future promised by the Founding Fathers.
Hypothetical question of the day: Let's say you have a 21-year-old son who has expressed interest in taking a college course in Anthropology. Which of the following of the two course descriptions (both for an introductory level Anthropology at different Universities) would you like to see him take?
NOTE: There is technically no wrong answer, and your opinion will depend on your core values (if any).
Anthropology is the study of human culture in past and contemporary societies... The discipline of anthropology is a holistic study of humanity that addresses issues of diversity and inequalities. Archaeology examines the role of material culture to reconstruct cultural history, including technological, stylistic, and organizational changes in past cultures. Physical anthropology is concerned with the relationships between biology and culture, including human variation and adaptation, and incorporates concerns of disease, nutrition, and forensics. Linguistic anthropology deals with the relationships between language and culture, especially the ways in which language both reflects and influences perception and world view. Cultural anthropology is concerned with institutions, including kinship, gender, political organization, economic systems, religion, global political economy, and the construction of inequality.
Or this:
Anthropology Program What does it mean to be a human person? How do cultures and societies develop?
Anthropology studies humans as biological and cultural beings in a holistic and comparative perspective. From our earliest beginnings to the present, the questions at the foundation of anthropology cross disciplines and force philosophers and scientists to face the limitations of their domains.
Our Anthropology Program offers students a broad-based, cross-cultural understanding of the dynamic nature of humankind, steeped in the Christian philosophical tradition and reliant upon the most advanced biological, sociological, and psychological insights.
If you chose the later (B), you likely are a Christian who values the integration of "faith and reason", and are wary of liberal public institutions which corrupt their curriculum in an attempt to indoctrinate young skulls by filling them at every turn with their silliness of "diversity and inequalities" (READ: "white folks are bad" and "USA and capitalism is evil and discriminatory").
If you chose "A", you are likely a humanist secular progressive who thinks Bernie Sanders and/or Hillary Clinton are sexy.
The above course descriptions were provided to me by my wife, who has been helping our 21-year-old son select college courses for his upcoming transfer from The University of Michigan - Flint to Franciscan University in January.
I don't mean this as a direct knock against UM-Flint, as I don't believe their "mission" is any different than that of any other public university. In UM-F's defense, my wife worked there as the secretary for the Math Department for a few years (until she resigned to join me as a co-worker for her brother's company) and she absolutely loved the professors there, and our middle son was in the process of securing his Actuarial Degree at that time. I may be going out on a limb here, but "1 + 1 = 2" no matter where you take that math class. Also, I am a proud UM-Flint alumnus, though I'm pretty sure Marty McFly looked a little differently back in the 80s.
That said, I lied. The correct answer is "B". His mother and I took him to visit the campus a few weeks ago and he absolutely loved it. He is also keenly interested in studying Theology in his last 2+ years of college eligibility, and taking advantage of the studying abroad in Austria. He also talked about looking for mission work opportunities. He's a special young man. Our trip concluded at the Tomb to the Unborn Child, where we all joined hands (at our son's prompting) and prayed the Our Father.
First, CNN had promised not to pit Democrats against each other in the debate. Then we learn that CNN had a brand new shiny Podium delivered back stage (still in its bubble wrap) to the Democratic Debate just in case Biden wanders by.
Which is it, CNN?!? if you're not planning on pitting the candidates against each other, then why would you add Biden's Empty Podium to the mix in order to intimidate the others?
This is obviously an aggressive move by CNN in hopes that Biden's Empty Podium can somehow add some energy to the stage and boost the ratings of this otherwise ratings yawner.
The move could backfire on CNN, resulting in the eventual election of Biden's Empty Podium. Why not? Clearly, this podium has more personality than the other candidates combined. And the American people DID elect an empty Teleprompter the last 2 times.
I can almost see tomorrow's headline now... Zzzz Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...
BIDEN'S EMPTY PODIUM WINS DEBATE!!
CNN - Anderson Cooper promised not to pit the candidates against one another, but Biden's Empty Podium didn't get the memo and came out swinging. Every time one of the candidate's gave a predictable and nonsensical answer full of empty rhetoric, Biden's Empty Podium would challenge them with complete and utter silence.
At one point, Bernie Sanders may have had a mental breakdown, but really - how could you tell? It was during a sequence where Sanders gave his millennial-pandering "free college" promise. All the other candidates (as well as Anderson Cooper and the other debate moderators) shook their collective head's in animated agreement with Bernie when anyone promised FREE STUFF!!
When Sanders noticed BIDEN'S EMPTY PODIUM standing stone cold silent, he may have lost it (but really - how could you tell?)
SANDERS: Your silence mocks me, sir! Why must you stare me down? Girls would do that to me while I was in college... laugh at me staring at me.. its unsettling.. its disturbing... *whimper* (Bernie begins to pull out white tufts of his own hair)... OH THE HUMANITY!!!
As the lights were turned off long after the crowd had left, Bernie Sanders sat on the darkened stage all by himself. Tufts of his hair were strewn about, as he methodically continued popping the bubble wrap that had once protected BIDEN'S EMPTY PODIUM.
President obama keeps his word by politicizing the the latest shooting tragedy on his watch. His busy schedule for the day involves roughly an hour or two actually spent in Roseburg, Oregon - then about 10 hours of fun and frivolity at DNC fundraisers in Seattle and San Fransisco.
EXCLUSIVE!! CHATTERING TEETH NEWS HAS SCORED THE UNOFFICIAL EXPANDED PRESIDENTIAL SCHEDULE FOR THE DAY!
9:15 am ET - Departs White House 11:40 am - Arrives at Eugene, Oregon. 'Copter lands on roof of local Starbucks. obama gives weak and bitter coffee salute...
... to Marines as he returns with his Pumpkin Spice Latte Venti (a small cup for the little man who has no respect for the Constitution)
12:40 pm - To meet with some of those Christian bitter-clingers up in there at Umpqua Community College. There is expected to be a huge turnout of armed protesters. Lead by example with my anti-2nd Amendment rhetorical flourish by first disarming ALL OF MY SECURITY AND SECRET SERVICE personnel... HAHA! Ya, right.
12:41 pm - Grandstand political speech about guns - throw in some bogus statistics for consumption by my State-controlled media. Ad lib something about climate change.
12:42 pm - Arrange for immediate IRS targeting of anyone who dares turn their back on me during my visit, as they have threatened to do.
12:43 pm - Take several selfies for posterity.
12:44 pm - Mount Nebo is a 1,119 ft mountain peak near Roseburg, Oregon, making it the 56302nd highest mountain in the United States. Re-name this mountain as "Mount Denude" in reference to upcoming executive gun grabbing orders.
12:45 pm - Find a golf course.
2:45 pm - Departs Eugene, Oregon. Fundraising party train begins!
Note to protesters. I once sat through an entire live auction of very expensive items because I was afraid that if I flinched, this action could be misinterpreted as a bid for something I couldn't afford and didn't want. I am all for a peaceful show of displeasure against this president. However, if your nose itches, wait for obama to leave before scratching. Just sayin'.
I fell asleep immediately after listening to the latest Matt Drudge interview on my iPod and dreamed of President Hillary's Brain.
I know. At this point what difference does it make?
“How sick are the American people right now? I’ve been saying that they could put Hillary Clinton’s brain in a jar in the Oval Office and she would be elected. People are really sick…" - Matt Drudge
ANSWER: Americans are sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.
That is stating the obvious to those of us who still care. We live in a day where Oklahoma sickos removed the 'controversial' Ten Commandments monument in the dark of night while at the same time the city of Detroit raises a satanic statue. Meanwhile, the Planned Parenthood baby slaughter houses are still in business, we have allowed obama to align this country with the terrorists while turning our backs to Israel, and the targeting of Christians continues.
How could Hillary's emulsified brain in a jar do any worse?
Of course, according to this story, - The desperate and deteriorating 67-year-old won’t make it to the White House — because she’ll be dead in six months.
Hmmm. I'm pretty sure Bernie Sanders has been dead for over a decade, and that hasn't seemed to affect his campaign.
I read a print newspaper for the first time in several years this weekend. Thank you. Thank you very much. It was a complimentary (I think?) USA Today edition I picked up from a table next to the large coffee dispensers in the breakfast nook off the hotel lobby where we had stayed. It was about 6:30am and I was alone with the waffle maker and assorted other breakfast edibles, so I decided, "what the heck".
Reading a print newspaper after having not done so in a long while was like riding a bike, which is to say that I was all over the place. I am only guessing here, but maybe the only difference in me actually reading the newspaper versus jumping on the hypothetical bike and riding it around the Best Western courtyard after such a long bike-riding drought is probably the resulting number of broken bones suffered.
That said, I'm still not sure how I broke my femur when I attempted my newspaper "A1 to A14" story jump. Just kidding. It's just a sprain.
I grinned as I scanned the front page, realizing old habits die hard because I couldn't help but analyze the page layout critically with respect to the story selection, headline and photo use and positioning, skybox teasers, and giving close scrutiny to the look and feel "above the fold".
In my experience, many editorial types were uninterested in how the top half of page A1 looked from the point of reference of a potential impulse purchaser walking by a newspaper box or store shelf. This was because these editorial types believed the entire newspaper was a work of art and it was they who were doing the readers a favor. In other words, you needed to purchase the entire paper in order to learn what was in it - Meanwhile, please enjoy this photo of a random cat or this dandelion. We circulation folk were less concerned about the art and more interested in the sale, hence the rub.
Getting back to the print newspaper review (is that what I was doing?). It was not a totally unsatisfying experience, though I couldn't break my internet habit of entering into a light fugue state each time I turned the page, daydreaming and allowing my vision to blur while I waited for the page to load.
READ ALL ABOUT IT! NEXT WEEK: MY BIKE RIDE IN THE BEST WESTERN COURTYARD!
COPYRIGHT POP QUIZ: WHO OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THIS PHOTO?
(A) The Monkey, (B) The Monk, (3) The Monkey's A$$
...And should the Monk be forced to perform gay wedding for the other two?
I've said this before, and I'll say it again. With all of the challenges facing us in this country and in this world today, I think we can all agree there is no more pressing issue than whether or not the monkey who took this selfie should own the copyright.
Legal and moral question of the day:
If a monkey borrowed William Shakespear's camera and typewriter and took an infinite amount of selfies while he hit an infinite amount of random typewriter keys, who would own the copyright to Hamlet?
Better yet, would the monkey ponder his own admonishing output?
Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine ownself be true.
Don't worry PETA progressives, no harm came to the hypothetical monkey above in the making of today's blog. As far as I know, William Shakespear was buried with his camera phone and typewriter.
What kind of crazy world do we live in where this monkey would be denied his copyrights?
Clearly, the rest of the world is behind this country's progress with regards to rights. We have figured most of that stuff out already.
For example, we know a baby doesn't have any right to live (or to keep possession of it's internal organs), until and unless he or she manages to roll of the stainless steel gurney of their birth, dodge the scalpel stabbings of a dozen evil females, escape out the Planned Parenthood doors, attain the age of 18 years, and finally to start voting Democrat. Fairly simple, really.
99% of macaques on the street would agree that Christians have no rights, whether they be florists or bakers or county clerk marriage certificate makers. However, they will show their teeth and screech a lot if you try to take back any stolen items... No, wait. That's progressives who do that.
So with the lawsuit now officially filed, we are one step closer to justice, or as the macaques like to say: NO JUSTICE, NO FECES".
Ultimately I don't see a resolution without a great televised courtroom battle. My greatest hope is that the monkey insists on representing itself in the upcoming trial. I can almost see the macaque expertly executing a cross examination of the witness, pacing back and forth and screaming, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE POOP!", as the first row of jurists learn the hard way that they are in the "splash zone".
Photo by: Georgia Sparling, Henry Herman Cross's painting of monkeys as people in a courtroom drew $19,000 at the auction.
