2016 Blog New Year's Resolution #6

Today, I'd like to unveil my 2016 Blog New Year's Resolution #6. But before I do, let's recap the top 5 resolutions I carry over from year-to-year.

#1 I will make every effort to post on a more regular basis, even when on temporary asylum in a Russia airport.

#2 This blog will persevere to obtain the rest of the story through investigative reporting (googling) and keeping an inexpensive hooker on retainer.

#3 Iwill make evry efort to proofr-ead at least 10% of my bloogs 6efore posting.

#4 I promise the continued arrangement of words in such a way as to project flowery rhetorical flourish and self-defecating humor (without the aid of a teleprompter... or diapers).

#5 DaBlade will continue to wear lederhosen while executing this blog until (A) Everyone reads his scribblings daily, or (2) Lederhosen becomes mainstream business-casual attire.

I now will officially add...
#6 I promise to no longer use sarcasm as a lazy form of humor in this blog because I now realize sarcasm is actually hostility disguised as humor. sarcasm derives from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” The last thing I want as your blog host is to offend the atheists, the secular humanists, the progressives, the marxists and/or the effeminates and transgenders. That's a mouthful. Let's just call them democrats. Or "freaks" if you prefer. In a nutshell, I just want the freaks to consider the Chattering Teeth Blog their very own internets "safe space".

Be safe  in your New Year's celebrations tonight. I think I may spend it by going to see that new movie titled "Concussion". I think it's a movie about how football can cause headaches, or something. Hey, it has Will Smith with a bad fake accent in it, so it has to be good. I'll just grab a couple Appletinis at the concessions for me and my new good buddy, Kenneth.

Hope I find a parking spot!

Seal on the highway

Elephant seal repeatedly tries to cross California highway

Earlier, CHP Officer Andrew Barclay says he got a face-full of hot breath and saliva while trying corral this extremely irritated mammal. Barclay said the elephant seal had "a lot of weight behind her... So she was moving us pretty easily, a lot of force."

Hmmm... Sound like anyone we know? Hillary? That you?

"What we've seen is she's obviously still trying to get out of the water. She's very adamant she's going to cross this stretch of roadway," Barclay added.

Which begs the question... and I'll bite...

Q: Why did the Elephant seal repeatedly try to cross a California highway?

A: To give the 30,000+ unemployed California Millennials with Marine Biology degrees something to do in 'their field'.

I'm just glad there are folks willing to stand on the side of the road holding rescue signs. I have no idea how smart these seals are, but apparently we know they can at least read English (putting them far ahead of the average California High School student).

Seriously, there is a regular dragnet of border patrol keeping this poor seal from crossing the highway. Maybe this little fella has an aunt in Sonoma. Is Sonoma NOT a sanctuary city?

Border security. It can be done. Now back in the water you go. Trust me. These well-intentioned liberals know what's best for you.

Born free, Fluffy! Swim away!!

Wintry Mix in today's forecast

Ugh! The Wintry Mix family is bearing down on the Chattering Teeth Studios and Bunker and I assure you they were not invited. Watching weather.com's map in motion, I am reminded of a long family car ride in the family station wagon, and the Wintry Mix family barreling north from Texas for a surprise visit.

In the front seat and on the leading edge are the parents. They are made of snow. They are cold to each other, and they are hoping this trip north warms their relationship. The middle seat is filled with the older of the two children. He is a teenager with a bad complexion of sleet and ice. He thinks he's pretty slick but is really just a pile of mush. The kid brother, rain, has been banished to the back seat. He's noisy and cries a lot.

According to the local forecast...
EXPECT A WINTRY MIX TO DEVELOP LATE THIS AFTERNOON
...and none too soon for the parents.
 
RAIN: Are we there yet?

SNOW: Almost! Quit yer crying.

SLEET: MOM! RAIN IS TOUCHING ME!!

SNOW: Rain, keep your precipitation to yourself!

RAIN: I gotta pee!

SLEET: He's been peeing all over since Texas!

RAIN: I'm thirsty!

SNOW: Settle down, you had your fill back at the Gulf. We'll stop again at the Great Lakes, OK?

A WINTER STORM WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW, SLEET AND ICE ARE EXPECTED. STRONG WINDS ARE ALSO POSSIBLE.

RAIN: MOM! SLEET farted!

SNOW: SLEET! Hold your wind until we get to Uncle DaBlade's house!

TOTAL SLEET ACCUMULATIONS UP TO OR IN EXCESS OF AN INCH AND ICE ACCUMULATIONS FROM FREEZING RAIN AROUND ONE QUARTER INCH. PRECIPITATION WILL BEGIN BETWEEN 2 PM AND 4 PM. IT WILL BEGIN AS A SNOW AND SLEET MIX THEN QUICKLY CHANGE OVER TO ALL SLEET. THE SLEET WILL BECOME MIXED WITH FREEZING RAIN AFTER 8 PM THIS EVENING. THE HEAVIEST PRECIPITATION IS EXPECTED BETWEEN 4 PM AND 2 AM. EASTERLY WINDS WILL INCREASE DURING THE AFTERNOON AND STRENGTHEN TO 15 TO 20 MPH WITH GUSTS OVER 30 MPH THIS EVENING. TEMPERATURES WILL SLOWLY WARM ABOVE FREEZING OVERNIGHT CHANGING PRECIPITATION OVER TO RAIN...

OK, fine. But you can't stay!

Mas WeeWeeChu

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. 

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. 

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon," replied Rosita. 

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." 

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." 

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... 

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! 

DaBlade's Mailbag of tips and tricks this Solstice Season!

Dear 'Blade,

My wife and I are secular humanist atheist progressives who really enjoy celebrating the holidays by giving gifts to our adopted 52-year-old trans gendered man who now identifies as our 6-year-old daughter (but is really our sex slave). 

At this point, you must be wondering why I am writing you for advice, as I seem to be living the perfect life. The problem is that we thought we purchased the perfect gift for our little girl to open for winter solstice, but now I'm afraid we'll just have to recycle it without even giving it to her.

It's the PlanCity Eco Town Building Set. The box says it "consists of an eco home, eco train station, eco charging station, eco street accessories and eco play mat, all of which have been created to encourage ‘clean energy’ playtime. Under the Green Concept Design PlanToys manufacturers utilizing a minimal waste concept. PlanToys long-term commitment to social programs promotes healthy child development..."

Well, Mister 'Blade, my wife Hank and I obviously want to promote healthy child development.

However, now we learn that what we have been told by Al Gore, our liberal professors and godless democrat politicians have been lies. NASA has just reported that burning fossil fuels not only doesn't cause Global Warming, but that burning fossil fuels actually COOLS the planet!

How can I give our little man-girl this Eco Town Building Set now? I don't want her to grow up to be a twisted environment destroyer!

Signed,
Confused in San Trans Freekshow, California

My Dear Little FreakShow Family,
Fear not! Don't recycle that Eco Town Play set just yet! By adding just a few additional items, you can save this gift from a fate with the landfill and stop that mascara from running down your little man-girl's cheeks on Winter Solstice morning! 

Just include the Penguin and Polar Bear Ice Cube Trays sold separately. 

That way, HeShe can see the damage done by windmills and solar panels and electric cars by watching the slow melting death of her little paly cubes. Or include an Erector set and start her building some fossil fuel burning and planet-saving power plants and smoke stacks!

You're welcome.

FEEL THE BERN?

WHY DID HILLARY GO MISSING DURING DEBATE COMMERCIAL BREAK?

SANDERS CAMPAIGN AIDE LEAKS PRIVATE FOOTAGE

Future Tense: President Trump builds 1,954 mile long border Shopping Mall

 Trump has been leading in the polls for two reasons. First, he is a YUUUGE thumb in the eye of the Republican establishment who have betrayed us bitter clingers time and time again and we have had enough. Dos, he has promised to secure the border by building a big, beautiful wall.

I want a wall and I want border security. Most importantly, I want the establishment blue blood elitist Republican leadership to receive a huge black eye, ala Harry Reid's "exerciser".  However, I do not want a President Trump.
We interrupt this blog for breaking poll results!!

POST GOP DEBATE, 
CHATTERING TEETH STUDIOS SHOCK POLL

CRUZ 100%
(ALL OTHER CANDIDATES) 0%

I threw in for Cruz when he was at like 4% nationally. I'm not taking credit for his meteoric rise since. However, it might be wise for you to force it upon me.

Random debate thoughts.

I find John Kasich very distracting. His constant waving of his arms and seemingly random facial tics, hand gestures and karate chops... all I could think of was David Byrne of Talking Heads fame in "Once in a Lifetime". David Byrne dancing. John Kasich debating. One is enjoyable to watch and listen to. The other, not so much. See for yourself.

Star Tracks - Forced Awake

WE ARE ONLY ONE WEEK AWAY from the premiere of THAT NEW STAR TRACKS MOVIE and I couldn't be any more excited. *yawn* I hear that I am not alone, and that other mega-fans and maniacal nerds are already lining up to see this sure-fire block buster hit titled something like "Star Tracks - Forced Awake". HASHTAG OMG CAN'T WAIT!

Full disclosure. I know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars. I used to watch Captain Kirk every day after school and before delivering my paper route. However, I never referred to myself as a "Trekkie" and never went to one of those nerd conventions. As for Star Wars, I did see the original movie at the theater at the tender age of 16, but I did not dress up as one of the characters, nor do I recall standing in line to see it... Oh, and I liked girls.

Now before I have my part-time nerd card revoked, let me just say something in my defense. While I have not joined these mega nerds by standing in line for 10 straight days to see a movie for which I had already purchased tickets in advance, I have no less reserved seating on the end of my living room couch to watch this flick when it runs on Netflix in a few years. I leave a pillow cushion in my place to save my seat for when I have to leave (to live a full and fulfilling life). HASHTAG OMG CAN'T WAIT!

In the meantime, re-runs suit me just fine!

Star Wars - THE WOOKIE AWAKENS!

TRUMP IN A LIMO

Whether you are a Donald Trump for president supporter or not, no rational thinking person can take any issue with his recent call for a temporary ban on moozlum immigrants. When the State-controlled media explodes in mock outrage, you know he hit the nail on the head.

When I heard this, I couldn't help but think of this scene from the second best motion picture ever filmed...

TRUMP: I want a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering The United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on.

LOYD: Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this ...AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!

TRUMP: I will make America great again.
LOYD: so you're telling me there's a chance?

LOYD:Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

A veritable mishmash of blog gibberish you've come to expect

This may or may not in fact be the actual
FULL TRANSCRIPT of Obama's speech
or it may well be just more gibberish from random text generator dot com (this blog's main contributory ghost writer).
Really, I have no way of knowing what output you might get from this generator, as it refreshes every click. It may be Obama's address from last night, or you may get the first two chapters from a book titled, "Dreams from Mein Fuhrer's Kampf".

Who's to say, and how could you tell the difference? One man's gobbledygook is another man's teleprompter output.

One way to tell if you are reading Obama's actual address after a terrorist massacre attack or just verbal mishmash is whether or not he starts out with a "shout out" to one of his homeys. You know... like after the Fort Hood massacre.

OBAMA: Before I get started with statements on the recent workplace violence incident caused by an insensitive office Christmas party, the proximity of a nearby Planned Parenthood and the proliferation of guns in this country, I would be remiss not to thank the staff responsible for putting together this awesome set. It almost makes me appear presidential. A special shout out to the curtain guy for making sure my devil horns were not showing this time...

White House Holiday Card 2015 - It's Finally here!

Look what just arrived in the mail.

And here I was worried The Bamster wouldn't best his pop-up holiday card from 2013.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S POLITICALLY CORRECT HEADLINES!

San Bernardino shooting: 'What is the motivation for this?'

and in other news...

Yes, I know this is hardly the first time I've tied a current event to a scene from the greatest motion picture of all time, The Jerk. I guess it is how I am now permanently wired. So when I read these ludicrous headlines and ridiculous stories from our "retarded news reporters" (hat tip: Kid, at Diary of a Right Wing Pussycat), I just see Navin Johnson (Steve Martin) wringing his hands and trying desperately to come up with a motive for the spontaneously leaking oil cans. Obviously, these cans should not be proudly displaying their labels for fear of offending.

The next visual I have is of Nancy Kerrigan holding her knee and sobbing, "whyyyyy?"

Don't worry CNN and the rest of the state-controlled MSM. The majority of Americans no longer seek you out for the truth.

Rick McKee - The Augusta Chronicle - Wheel Of Terror


And now for a stroll down memory lane...

Chattering Teeth presents: "Ask DaBlade"advice column.

Dear 'Blade,

I have been described as “rambling and incoherent” loner. A renegade who may have mental health issue and, at a minimum, is a bit “off.” I only live in this dump part time and may be forced to move soon against my will. People say that when I do talk, it is not very cognitive and a rambling combination of a number of topics that doesn't make sense together, and that I tend to avoid eye contact. And THIS NOISE IN MY HEAD!!! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP THIS RINGING IN MY EARS!!!

Signed,
The Emperor

Dear President Obama,
The ringing you hear is because your speech is running over. STFU, and give the other climate nazis an opportunity.
You're welcome,
'Blade

El Diablobama tells Pro-Lifers not to “Demonize” Planned Parenthood



Ted Cruz Describes Alleged Planned Parenthood Shooter As ‘Transgendered Leftist Activist’