2017 Blog New Year's Resolutions

It's the last day of the year and 2016 is almost a wrap. It's that day of the year when we look back in retrospect on the year that has just transpired and look forward towards new horizons and new possibilities.

As for the retrospect part, you too may play along! Just complete this sentence as it best describes your year in review:

I'm another year older and...
1) Deeper in debt.
2) and another year wiser.
3) a lot less bolder than I used to be.
4) where did I leave my keys? Honey, have you seen my glasses? "They're on your head." Got 'em! Not sure why I laid my keys on my head but whatever. Now where are my glasses? "Have you checked the refrigerator?" Got 'em!

As for the "looking forward towards new horizons" thingy, I jotted down the following New Year's Resolutions for 2017.

>> I promise to spend more time with my favorite celebrities, actors and musicians while they are still alive, rather than waiting until they die in order to share grieving Facebook posts about how, "I can't believe they are really gone," or "who knew that a lifetime of rampant hard drug use and risky homosexual behavior in roadside rest area bathrooms would catch up to them?" - Reach out to your anonymous loved ones, despite a steady flow of celebrity-initiated restraining orders rubber-banded together and overflowing from  my your desk drawer. Don't wait until they're gone, people! Who doesn't look forward to unsolicited mail (or being closely and surreptitiously followed on the city streets?)

>>This blog resolves to endeavor to persevere by succinctly and concisely articulating my inner-most disjointed thoughts and macabre interpretations of the days news, and I promise not to be overly loquacious in my magniloquentness.  Always remember... (or is it to never forget) these three words?... brevity. Soul. Wit.

>>I resolve to live by this creed: Discretion may be the better part of valor, but a manly plush bathrobe is the better part of velour.

>>If nature calls while I am shopping at a Target store, I promise to always use the men's bathroom - but I will be sensitive and inclusive by leaving the toilet seat down in case the next stall visitor is a transitioning lesbian who is still saving for her addadicktame.

>>I promise not to keep emails that threaten national security on my private server in the kitchen pantry (unless we are talking personal financial gain) and to never secretly meet the Attorney General on an airport tarmac - unless a complimentary box of Cap'n Crunch is in the offing.

and lastly, I am repeating this resolution I made last year because, "If at first you don't succeed..."
>>I promise to no longer use sarcasm as a lazy form of humor in this blog because I now realize sarcasm is actually hostility disguised as humor. sarcasm derives from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” The last thing I want as your blog host is to offend the atheists, the secular humanists, the progressives, the marxists and/or the effeminates and transgenders. That's a mouthful. Let's just call them democrats. Or "freaks" if you prefer. In a nutshell, I just want the freaks to consider the Chattering Teeth Blog their very own internets "safe space".

Cheers, everybody! Happy New Year! Have a safe celebration, and remember that tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Let's fill it with fake news!

Hillary Clinton - Seal Team Sick

Hillary Clinton is a secret elite member of Obama's Seal Team, and really the only one with her ability to dodge imaginary gunfire, rappelle upside down into the Russian Politburo - dodging the security laser beams with the strength to cut through even the toughest of cankles - and grab the Russian reset button...

and replace it with an Obama thumb puppet.

Obama is now telling the Russians that he will have more flexibility once he declares Martial Law.

BiBi's West Bank Savings & Loan

Now we know what Trump meant when he said, "things will be different soon."

Many days I wake up (usually around 5am) with a thought I find humorous - usually a twist on some news story.  So first thing this morning I did my little meme above. Then I read this story (below). Sometimes I amaze myself.

 A Defiant Israel Vows to Expand Its Settlements

JERUSALEM — Undeterred by a resounding defeat at the United Nations, Israel’s government said Monday that it would move ahead with thousands of new homes in East Jerusalem and warned nations against further action, declaring that Israel does not “turn the other cheek.”

Obama: I would have beaten Trump by Rallying the GloZell Vote

OBAMA (before the election): "My name's not on the ballot, but my agenda is."

OBAMA (today): "I'm confident... thaaaaat if I had run again, I would have beaten Trump."
Per the Urban Dictionary:

A sore loser is someone who loses in a fair competition but whines about it on a constant basis, blaming everyone around them for their loss except themselves. Fun to taunt, but no fun to play with.

Merry Chattering Teeth Christmas!

Chattering Teeth were not invented until 1949 yet they appear in A Christmas Story. Chattering Teeth have always been ahead of the curve.

Obama sides with third world dictators, despots and thugs in UN

Choosing not to veto, Obama lets anti-settlement resolution pass at UN Security Council

 

New species of fish in Hawaii's waters named after Obama

Meet “Tosanoides obama”

HONOLULU -- (HawaiiNewsNow) -When scientists discovered a new species of fish in the Papahanaumokuakea Marine National Monument, they noticed a distinctive, colorful spot near the tail that bore a striking resemblance to President Barack Obama’s campaign logo.

"That’s one of the reasons why they decided to name the species after him."

Here are some other reasons:

1) A small pink fish with yellow stripes on it's back that lays around Hawaii 'chooming' the waters and doing nuthin but reefer. What else COULD you call this fish?

2) The names for the parasitic Lampreys (known for boring into the flesh of other fish to suck their blood) are already taken.

3) These same waters are homes to endangered turtles and endangered monk seals, presumably after Tosanoida-Care was implemented. "If you like your genus, you can keep your genus..."

UPDATE!!! New fish being considered to be named after Michelle.

An NES Classic Edition Christmas Carol

The NES Classic game system and something called Hatchimals are this year's version of Tickle Me Elmo, the almost impossible to find Christmas gift. I wanted the NES. (I don't want a bout of hatchimals as I have a large deductible on my medical coverage).

About a thousand Best Buy stores across the country had advertised a flash sale in advance for yesterday morning (December 20). I knew from experience - getting shut out from a similar sale at Toys R Us more than a week ago - you had to arrive early for any chance of getting your hands on one of these babies. I showed up at 5am. The temperature was 3 degrees, but there was no wind so it felt like a toasty 3 degrees. I figured I could last 3 hours in line before losing my fingers to frost bite (and making acquiring the game moot, as it would be too difficult to use the game's controller buttons and directional arrow sans  phalanges).

I learned that the first 19 tickets had already been distributed at 4am, and these ticket holders were waiting in their warm vehicles for the store to open. Nobody was standing by the doors and out in the cold, and nobody knew for sure if there were any tickets left. I figured, 'what the heck' and stood in line at the door. The store was illuminated, and a few workers could be seen scurrying around and getting the store ready for the 8am open. A line (and conversation) formed behind me. A couple of grandpas in full deer hunting camo showed up. A worker finally peeked out the front doors at us and handed out the remaining tickets around 5:25am. I got #20 out of 30 tickets total. I then was able to go home and warm up before the store opened. I'm not sure I could have stood in that air until 8am.

Ghost of Christmas Past
"Are you the Game System, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?" asked DaBlade.

"I am."

"Who, and what are you?" DaBlade demanded.

"I am the NES Classic Edition, a miniaturized version of the groundbreaking NES, with 30 all-time favorite games included from Christmas Past."

"Long Past?" I inquired.

"No. Your past. The original was released in 1985 when you were in your 20s. Now sit on the couch and grab a controller and I will transport you back... back to a time of Mario, Zelda and Mega Man."

"I haven't missed it. Best Buy has done it all in one night! They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can!"

"I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a schoolboy.  I am as giddy as a drunken man.  A merry Christmas to everybody!  A happy New Year to all the world!... now hand over that controller and get outta my way, before you dot another 'i' Bob Crachit!!"

MOBOCRACY - The Game of Electoral College Chicanery

Mobocracy, the exciting new board game that takes up where Landslide (1971) and the general election left off. You are now officially the Republican president-elect of the United States - having earned 306 electoral college votes out of the total 538 votes possible - despite losing the irrelevant so-called popular vote due to the hordes of leftists and marxists who haunt both coasts. They do not like losing, and have never let the constitution or the rule of law stand in their way before. "The majority will of the American people must be heard," they claim, ignoring the fact that 50 individual state majorities have spoken. So Watch out flyover country, and deal me in!

We have a winner! Or... do we?

OBJECT: Mobocracy is the only game where you start out a winner. The object of the game is to navigate your game piece around the gameboard successfully dodging, nullifying or otherwise "trumping" all obstacles thrown in your way. Come out the other end with at least 270 electoral college votes and you are declared "still the winner."

HOW TO PLAY: First, choose your game piece.

You can either be the shirtless Putin on horseback, Hillary's orthopedic shoe with cankle support, or a dollar sign that promises future prosperity after 8 years under a tyrannical and destructive obama regime.

Now roll them dice!

If you land on a space labeled MEDIA, you must draw a card from the top of the media deck and follow its direction. Each media card will tell you what all players must consider important for that turn (1 turn = 1 week) and then will tell you what you are supposed to think about it. Whether the card is about "Syria", "tax returns", "Transgendered Bathrooms" or "foreign hacking", each media card is nefariously designed to thwart the Republican president-elect and turn public opinion against  him. Once the media card is drawn and read, you may set it aside and ignore it completely, as traditional state-controlled media no longer has any power they have historically wielded in support of their party.

If you land on a space labeled CELEBRITY APPEAL, you must draw a card from the top of that deck and read out loud without cracking a smile. You may draw the card for actor Martin Sheen.

"Our founding fathers built the Electoral College to safeguard the American people from the dangers of a demagogue and to ensure that the presidency only goes to someone who is, to an eminent degree, endowed with the requisite qualifications."

If you cracked a smile, you must draw another card and try again. Don't worry if you draw a "Debra Messing" or a "Bob Odenkrik" or some other celebrity you have never heard of before. Don't you want "their respect?"

All CELEBRITY APPEAL and MEDIA cards are trumped with a 2AM TWEET wildcard:

"Obama is the very definition of unqualified demagogue, this I will tell you."

By the way, you have an unlimited supply of 2AM TWEET cards.

If you land on a space occupied by a Trump Elevator, you may move your marker up to the allotted gameboard floor! If, however, you land on the likeness of Governor Chris Christie or Mitt Romney, you take the chute all the way back to the start - just like Chutes and ladders!

Get to the end of this bizarre progressive gauntlet and you win (again!)

Get your copy of MOBOCRACY today! By Halfbro!

2016 White House Holiday Card - It's Finally Here!

Look what just arrived in the mail...

Another break from tradition...
Obama Uses Photo of Himself for Christmas Card That Doesn’t Say Christmas

(I like mine better)

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer previous years with the dogs...

2015 White House Holiday Card

Lest we get on our high horse
people should consider the history
of "terrible deeds" committed in
the name of Christ. Like slavery and Jim Crow




2013 White House Holiday Card
Obama's Christmas Message: 
"no matter what God you pray to, or if you pray to none at all."

Fed Raises Interest Rate - Santa & Elves React

Santa sat in his recliner drinking eggnog after having watched the speech from Fed chair Janet Yellen. "She kinda looks like Mrs. Claus, doesn't she fellas?," Santa asked the elves.

"Hey Santa, what does this quarter point rate hike and the promise of three more next year mean for our business," asked the head elf in response. "Is it really in response to a strengthening U.S. economy and expectations of higher inflation, or simply a signal that the Fed no longer feels the need to prop up a flailing Obama economy?"

All the elf eyes landed on Santa, nervously awaiting his response. Santa took another chug of his spiked 'nog and dribbled a healthy portion onto his beard. The elves leaned forward and studied Santa's every facial movement and nuance, hoping to pick up clues as to what this hike would mean.

Santa stared back through bloodshot eyes, and wiped his mouth and beard with the swipe of the back of his hand. He then expelled a gargantuan belch...

**BUUUUURP***

"I'm a toy maker, not a f*&;%ing economist, OK? Now get back to work!"

Santa's tepid reaction suggests that he may have priced in the likelihood of this rate hike to put the brakes back on the economy before too many children started chasing too few toys leading to rising prices and inflation.

Barron Trump Schools The Principal

TEACHER: Class, please open your workbooks to page 5 for review.

BARRON:  I don’t have to be told – you know, I’m, like, a smart person. I don’t have to be told the same thing and the same words every single day for the next eight years. It could be eight years – but eight years. I don’t need that.

TEACHER: Please take your seat Mr Trump!

BARRON: But I do say if something should change, let me know. Now, in the meantime, my nanny is great, and is being briefed. My classmates are being briefed, they're terrific. And they’re being briefed. And I’m being briefed also.


TEACHER:  We are here for reading, writing and arithmetic! Social studies, Earth science, and history!

BARRON: But if you're going to come in and tell me the exact same thing that they told me, you know, that doesn’t change necessarily. There might be times where it might change. I mean, there will be some very fluid situations. I’ll be there not every day but more than that.

TEACHER: TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE MISTER TRUMP!

BARRON: But I don’t need to be told, Mr Feeny, the same thing every day, every morning, same words. ‘Barron, nothing has changed. Let’s go over it again.’ I don’t need that.

Millennial College Student Food Insecurity

Chattering Teeth News - Colleges are more and more providing "safe spaces" where students can hide away from scary ideas they are indoctrinated to disagree with, but did you know they are starving?

More than half of students at U.S. community colleges say they're hungry

Food insecurity is a very real problem for many Americans, but who knew that it affected so many college students, too?... Food insecurity is defined as “the lack of reliable access to sufficient quantities of affordable, nutritious food.” Many of these hungry students are not whom you’d expect them to be. Fifty-six percent of students in the study were employed, with 38 percent working more than 20 hours a week. More than half received a federal study grant and 18 percent were recipients of private scholarships. Despite this, they still didn’t have enough money for food.

Honestly, I had never heard the term "Food insecurity" until this article, but now I plan on tirelessly dedicating the remainder of my entire life (if not the next 5 minutes spent formulating this post) to stamping out this scourge from our college campi! Most of these kids may graduate with a 4-year degree owing tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt - so the least we can do as a compassionate society is to make sure they never have to pay for food (or contraceptives... or medical marijuana).

Just look how far we've fallen in just 5 years, when in  2011, USA Today reported an "obesity epidemic on college campuses," and the dreaded Freshman 15 with rampant student weight gain caused by "unhealthy eating, sleeping habits and lack of exercise." In fact, the percent of overweight and obese American college students increased from 27.4 percent in 2006 to 29.2 percent in 2011, according to the American College Health Association.

THEN THE UNTHINKABLE OCCURRED IN JANUARY, 2015

Ramen noodle truck crashes on on North Carolina highway scattering the packets of noodles along the highway and eventually ending up in a local landfill.

Apparently the sudden decreased supply of this student diet staple has reverberated just two years later, leading to today's food insecurity.

So let's recap:
1) 2011 - College kids are fat;
2) 2015 - Ramen Noodles truck crash
3) Today - For maybe the first time ever, college kids whine at some point that "they're starving."

WON'T YOU HELP?

For less than 15 cents per day for the average cost of a noodle packet, your generous gift of $150 will feed a millennial college student three square meals a day for an entire year.

To give, simply send a money order or cash to:

Chattering Teeth Studios
PO BOX 101010
Flint, MI

Sarah McLachlan? Take it away...

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold dorm room
...may you find some safe space comfort here

Trump's Designated Survivor

America wants to know...
Who is the kid in the Trump gear standing behind The Donald at his Iowa victory lap speech in Iowa last night, and is he the "sticker-eater" who was standing behind Hillary at her Iowa caucus speech in February? (what is it with these Iowan kids?)

PICTURED: Iowa Sticker-Eater

In other news: This newyorker piece asks:  Why Haven’t Conservative Thinkers Denounced Trump?

After listening to Trump blather about his $Trillion Dollar "Infrastructure" stimulus plan, his free childcare welfare and wealth redistribution, his Venezuelan-like injection into businesses and corporations with threats of tariffs (or promises of favoritism) - and his meetings with algore and the climate genius Leonardo Dicaprio with regards to global warming - The better question for me is - Why haven't Democrat 'thinkers' embraced Trump?

ASK DaBlade Fake News Advice Column

Dear DaBlade,
Help! My name is Ed Welch, and I don't know what to believe. I'm the guy from North Carolina who took a shotgun into that Comet Pizzeria in D.C. after I read on the internets that Hillary Clinton was running a pedophilia ring out of the restaurant. Well "NOT ON MY WATCH, MADAAM!" thought I. This is still 'Merica, AmIright?

 I was arrested and am emailing this from my jail cell. I am now being told the story about Hillary and the secret restaurant sex ring were fake. I'm beginning to think that just maybe they're right. If I can't trust the white-supremacist Twitter accounts I follow, who CAN I trust?

 DaBlade, plez help me to know who to trust! Is this real life?
 Signed,
Extra Pepperoni

 Dear Extra Pepperoni,
 You have come to the right place. Delete all of your social media accounts including your twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat accounts, Alex Jones Infowars and other conspiracy websites (including Drudge) and make Chattering Teeth Blog your sole news source!

 I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am aware I have been accused of making stuff up in the past. The veracity of my content disseminated, questioned and scrutinized. As if my every utterance is suspect unless independently corroborated by trusted sources... to which I say, "Hey, you married me woman!!"

Just trust me. I promise truthiness.

To answer your question directly - NO, Hillary does not run a pedophile ring. Are you sumkinda nut? THERE IS NO COMET PIZZA ring. It's FAKE! Got it? Now sit back and let me tell ya some news you can trust...
Signed, DaBlade 

BREAKING! FROZEN PIZZA COMET HURLING TOWARDS EARTH!

You say "Comet Pizza" I say "Pizza Comet".

Remembering Comet Icon

What is its real name? Strictly speaking this comet should be referred to as Comet Soetoro/2008, but it was renamed for convenience sake after being discovered by a couple of commies. Why all the excitement? Its a dynamically new, never before seen comet. Just gazing upon its majesty is believed to make one a better person. Where is it from?: Nobody is really sure. Some think it is from the Oort Cloud, the little-known shell of literally trillions of comet nuclei lying tens of thousands of AU (1 AU =150 million km) from the Sun. Others believe its from Kenya. What is it? Despite its bright exterior and candy-coated shell, Comet ICON's nucleus is now understood to be comprised of a sooty lump of frozen promises and broken dreams, with veins of icy bullshit. Why is it breaking up now? Comet ICON has survived just fine in the cold, dark vacuum of space where no competing ideas were allowed to penetrate. However, as it approaches the disinfecting heat of the sun and bombards it with rays of truth and light, it breaks away its facade of lies.

Trump Trolls China Over Taiwan With Faux Takeout Order (and the internet goes crazy!)

Chattering Teeth News - President-elect Donald Trump says his phone call to Chinese president Xi Jinping attempting to order Chinese takeout was a misdial. "I got the wrong number, believe me," said Trump, after China's foreign ministry lodged a complaint over the controversial food order attempt.

Trump has always operated under the promise of “You hit me, I hit you back twice as hard," so when China had a hissy fit over a phone call he accepted from Taiwan President Tsai Ing-wen, you knew Trump would respond in some fashion.

UPDATE: CHATTERING TEETH NEWS HAS SECURED AN EXCLUSIVE PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF THIS CALL!
(the emergency hotline rings in the presidential palace in Beijing. President Xi Jinping picks up...)

***RING*** ***RING***

XI: Nǐ hǎo

TRUMP: Yes, is this Cheeiyna One? I would like a bowl of Wonton soup, a full order of Sweet and Sour chicken, and an egg roll or three. Oh, and throw in a handful of them Chinese cookies with the cute little fortunes and lucky numbers.

XI: MISTEL TLUMP... THIS IS OUTLAGEOUS! You ah speaking wif the plesident and Genewal Secletaly of People's Lepubric of China!

TRUMP: Genewal? Oh, you mean "General." Good idea. Throw in a batch of that General Tso's chicken! I'll have my boy, Priebus pick it up in , say half an hour?

END TRANSCRIPT

Trump is now threatening to build a great wall around "Cheeiyna" if they don't knock it off.

Angels Bowling

If you're like me, you check the space weather page every morning before getting dressed. (Then again, if you're really like me then you secretly hope that lederhosen becomes mainstream as business-casual attire - but I've already made my case for this repeatedly).

"So what is the space weather going to be like today?"

If there is a solar eruptive prominence and chance of CMEs with red hot plasma being hurled towards Earth, I like to wear cotton or something that can breathe. And maybe some sunblock. If there is a solar wind stream approaching Earth with wind speeds as high as 700 km/s, I wear a windbreaker.

So imagine my surprise this morning upon visiting the space weather page and spotting an angel bowling on the surface of the sun. Of course, the article only talks about some coronal hole and doesn't even mention the obvious appearance of the angel in full back swing. In fact, what these so-called scientists are calling a coronal hole is nothing more than the angel's shadow.

I don't have to tell you that when angels bowl, it creates thunder on Earth, thereby creating thunder clouds in turn... its all very complicated, but you should probably wear a rain coat today.

HGTV to cancel Fixer Upper and Replace it with Rainbow Upper?

Chattering Teeth News - HGTV has announced the cancellation of their hit TV series "Fixer Upper" since learning the show's stars, Chip and Joanna Gaines, having been outed for attending a church where the pastor allegedly holds biblical christian views and values.

COMING SOON to HGTV, "Rainbow Upper", starring George Takei and Ellen Degeneres. While they won't actually fix your newly purchased ram shackled dump, they will paint it in assorted "gay-friendly" rainbow paints!

Each episode is jam-packed with Ellen dancing like a white rhythm-neutral teenage boy in his parent's basement, to George spouting the complete and utter nonsense you've come to expect.

Are YOU ready to see your Rainbow Upper!?

Details of the Trump/Carrier Agreement Begin to Emerge

"I LOVE TRUMP!"
said no Juan ever.