It's on like Donkey Kong

Coming this summer, the motion picture event of a lifetime! Who will get the golden ticket?


Watch the movie trailer at You're the man now dog

Yes I know it's opening day for the Tigers, but if I can't say it better, (http://flinging-monkeydarts.blogspot.com) why try?

And...Out of Bounds: You Heard It Here First: Verlander Hall Of Fame-Bound

Dittos Rush

This has been blogged to death already, but I'm still confused. Rasmussen Reports:

Twenty-two percent (22%) of Democratic voters nationwide say that Hillary Clinton should drop out of the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination. However, the latest Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey found that an identical number—22%--say that Barack Obama should drop out.

A solid majority of Democrats, 62%, aren’t ready for either candidate to leave the race.

Let's see... 22% plus 22% plus 62%. Check my math on this...


We know from experience that when a number of democrats are asked a simple question, at least 30% are "undecided", meaning they do not have the ability to formulate a coherent thought. Therefore, there must be about 36% of the 106% quoted "democrats" in this poll who are really super-secret Rush Limbaugh conservative Operation Chaos operatives.

DITTO DITTO DITTO DITTO

Saturday Sports Ramblings

First, let's start with boys high school lacrosse and Thursday night's matchup between Flint Powers Catholic and Detroit Catholic Central. Folks, I know this is Michigan in the springtime, but c'mon!



Algore was nowhere to be found in the stands on this one. The spring blizzard brought between 4-6 inches, and it all seemed to fall during the lacrosse game. It added another dimension of confusion to the game, as blowing snow and freezing temperatures limited my visibility, as well as my brain's ability to fire synapse. Final score, DCC 9, Flint 7. Not too shabby, considering that DCC scored the first 5 goals in the first quarter to take a 5-0 early lead, and DCC makes a regular appearance in the state championship game. We kicked their butt after we "warmed up" (read: froze solid and lost all feeling in extremeties). I think the boys will be very good. This was the first official game of the season, so we shall see.

On to hockey, where the Detroit Red Wings lose in overtime 5-4 to the hapless St. Louis Blues last night, spoiling Darren McCarty's return. The Wings could have wrapped up the President's Trophy with a victory over the Blues, coupled with a San Jose loss to the Ducks. Anaheim didn't cooperate either, losing 3-1 to the Sharks. This only postpones the inevitable, which will start with the President's Trophy and end with the Stanley Cup. Oh, and a plethora of individual player awards handed out to Zetterberg, Datsyuk, Lidstrom, etc. That's the plan at least.

And finally, I know it is March Madness time, but I couldn't care less about the hoops tournament, and it's not because I have fallen to the bottom of the office pool sheet... OK, maybe that does have something to do with it. But you can give me the NCAA College hockey Tournament and the Frozen Four over basketball any day. My alma mater Wolverines advanced to the second round and are heading to a showdown between the winner of the Notre Dame and Michigan State game.

GO IRISH!

Sorry Greg, I know you are probably still sore about Izzo and his Spartan B-ballers bowing out against Memphis. But if the hockey matchup becomes Notre Dame versus Michigan, you know my chant will still be... "GO IRISH!"

Hey, I figure I'm allowed to switch loyalties, what with my eldest being a domer and all.

Dodd's been smokin' somethin'

if he thinks Hillary will quit.


The solution?

I think the race has been determined, anyway, at this point. I think it’s very difficult to imagine how anyone can believe that Barack Obama can’t be the nominee of the party. I think that’s a foregone conclusion, in my view, at this juncture given where things are. But certainly over the next couple of weeks, as we get into April, it seems to me then, that the national leadership of this party has to stand up and reach a conclusion.

And then the followup questions, "So you’re talking about putting together, what, a committee of elders?" There would only be one thing more frightening than a bunch of aging liberal hippees meeting around a campfire in an attempt to solve this one.

Just give it to Gore?

Yikes. Democrats holding some Bad weed.

Hillary kneecaps Pelosi

Hillary made a March 19th visit to downtown Detroit in hopes of turning up the pressure on the Obama campaign to accept a re-do Michigan Democratic primary. So Hillary... Talk about your arrival at Metro Airport in Detroit...

I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles," Clinton told this reporter. (THAT explains the whole Bosnia flap!)

OK, not really, but Gordon Trowbridge of The Detroit News did write:

Putting aside her standard campaign speech, Clinton made a stark appeal to Obama, saying his failure to allow new votes in Michigan and Florida -- both states have been stripped of their national convention delegates because they held January primaries -- will help Republicans carry those states in November and violates "a bedrock American principle" that every vote should count.

Then I read the Drudge-linked reuters article with this bold headline "Clinton backers warn Pelosi on superdelegate rift". Thunder Thighs is upset with Pelosi for her statement that superdelegates ought to put their full support behind the candidate that obtains the most pledged delegates. Hillary was so angry, she had a group of "donors" (read: flat-nosed Brooklyn guidos) send a letter (read: severed horse head in bed) asking her to "clarify" (read: threatening her to see it her way) that the 800 or so superdelegates are free (read: yah, right!) to support the candidate they think would be the best nominee (read: It better be ME dammitt!).

Hey Hillary. What happened to that bedrock principle of every vote counting? Pelosi was just stating that every primary vote should count, but you seem to be stating that only the super votes should count, and that they should override the paltry primary voter.

This is shaping up to be an August brawl on the convention floor in Denver ladies and gentlemen. I just hope it's in HD!

Flint Township office space for lease

Conveniently located near I475, I75, and US23 (as well as across the street from Snapper's law office!) [Click Here] for the rest of the details.

Pic pic must have found my advertising rate card agreeable. Lease one of the two available office suites and I will get my golf paid for! I know what you are thinking. That the odds of business executives who are seeking professional office space somehow cyber-stumbling their way here to see this ad are slim. You might be wrong. Don't forget that I have an uncanny ability to draw attention to myself. Remember... CNN was here. Don't doubt me.

Selling something? Buy me a beer and some golf and advertise here.

Jack Kevorkian interview

In case you missed it, convicted murderer Jack Kevorkian is running for Congress this year. Dr. Kevorkian had read the interview I did with John Kerry back in 2004 and liked the way it was handled, and so he enthusiastically agreed to sit down with me for this interview.

Me: I appreciate you agreeing to talk to me today. I imagine that you are being hounded for interview requests, what with your announcement that begins your candidacy.

Jack: Anything to get away from that Feiger character. I swear. One of these days...

Me: Before we discuss your future political aspirations, I'd like to talk to you about your past. You spent 8-plus years in prison for second degree murder. It is reported that you are responsible for an estimated 130 deaths from "assisted suicide". Any chance you can narrow that number down into an exact body count?

Jack: I might. But then I'd have to kill you.

Me: Very funny Dr. Death. Seriously though. call me crazy. I know it's probably just me, but before I cast my vote for a candidate, I'd just like to know how many citizens they've offed.

Jack: Why don't you ask that question of Bush and his unjust war?

Me: Wow. You are comparing what you did to the war against terrorism? AND you're quoting Andy Heller? You really are wacked, aren't you?

Jack: Viva La France!

Me: Uh hem... Right. OK, Let's talk platform. Where do you come down on the death tax?

Jack: Now who's trying to be the comedian? As a matter of fact, I am against it. I don't think the government should profit from other people's death and misery. That's my job.

Me: You are said to be an advocate of the Ninth Amendment to the U.S. Bill of Rights, and are quoted as stating, “You can’t take my innate rights away from me without a fight.” Would your "innate rights" include sir, assisted suicide- the precise crime that you were convicted, incarcerated, and made to be somebody's "Nancy" for?

Jack: It would. Hey!

Me: Let me rephrase. Would it be my innate right to take a steaming dump on the hood of your car?

Jack: NO!

Me: Oops. I wish you would have stated your position on the 9th more clearly. Moving on. You fancy yourself to be an inventor of sorts. You wanted to talk about your latest creation.

Jack: Yes. Thank you. I have been concerned ever since the 2000 elections about the imperfect touch-screen voting machines and the propensity for disenfranchising the electorate. Everybody has a right for their voice to be heard! Unless of course, they don't want their voice to be heard, and then I suppose I could see to that as well.

Me: Is this going somewhere?

Jack: Sorry. I do tend to ramble on, don't I? It goes back to those years spent in the basement morgues chock full of all those good listeners. Would you like me to teach you the lesson of being a good listener?

Me: Uhhhhhhh. Please go on.

Jack: As I was saying. Imagine a world without the hanging chad.

Me: I didn't know chad. One of your previous 130 (or so) "clients"?

Jack: I have created the perfect polling booth. With a few modifications installed in the back of each booth, you have the first ever error-proof voting machine! In fact, I have offered to install these free of charge all over the 9th Congressional district.

Me: Cool! How does it work?

Jack: It's proprietary information. Let's just say there are computer chips and vote recognition software and just leave it at that. Would you like to try the demo machine?

Me: Errr. Sure. Hey, what are these wires that are connected to the button for your opponent? Why do they lead to this car battery and what are these test tubes of colorful liquids, this series of pulleys and a hydraulic powered syringe doing here?

Jack: It's all very technical, but it is to ensure accuracy. In fact, Hillary had planned on using this baby in the do-over primary against Obama, but it doesn't look like she will get the chance to give this baby a test spin now. Go ahead. You can be the first. Make your selection. Vote for me, or vote for that other guy.

Me: I'm sorry Mr. Death. You scare me. I'm afraid I need to vote for this other guy... *press* Ow! What was that!?

Jack: That is the sweet sound of democracy in play.

Me: I feel sleepy. Hey! Where'd the tunnel come from? I see a light. You in there Mr. Death?

Jack: Please. Just call me "doctor". Or better yet. Call me "Congressman".

Nancy Pelosi in "Clueless in DC"

Brother Snapper made the following post to the golf site guestbook:

state you handicap: Confused constantly by the separation of powers thing in the constitution
Comment: Thank you Nancy Pelosi for again injecting yourself into foriegn policy of the US, meeting with the lama dolley, raising your middle finger at china while neglecting any and all lesser important matters like doing your real job and trying to pass legislation and make laws.

Come on Snap Daddy. I'm not sure I want to encourage Pelosi to work on passing legislation and making laws. Besides, what harm could Madam Speaker cause by jetting all over the world (global warming-mongerer?) donning the silly local headwraps, and "injecting" herself into foreign policy? She is, after all, just trying to help!

Oh sure, there was the time when she tried to sabotage relations between the United States and Turkey (thereby trying to hamstring the war effort) by bringing to the floor a resolution condemning Turkey for genocide against the Armanians back in 1915.

Pelosi, like the rest of the Democrats, are invested in our defeat when it comes to Iraq specifically, or the war against terrorism in general. How else can you explain her fighting every step of the way against the extension of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA)?

Or how about her meeting with Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad claiming that, "the road to peace leads through Damascus."


And now her latest foreign policy fruit cake: visiting with that spiritual dude in the wife-beaters robe to criticise Chinese "oppression" in Tibet. The point here is not to defend China (or to make fun of Dolly Parton Lama), but to cringe when Pelosi the hack tries to take on delicate foreign policy matters. Maybe China didn't notice.

Oops!
China has called US House speaker Nancy Pelosi a "defender of arsonists, looters and killers".

If only we could replace her gavel with a live salmon.

Peter Hussein CottonTail

The Easter bunny used to scare the bejesus out of me when I was a kid. Not the dude in the obvious cheap mall costume, but the REAL Easter bunny. You know... Peter Cottontail. Remember the song?

Here comes Peter CottonTail
Hoppin' down the bunny trail
hippity hoppity
Easter's on its way

Santa Claus never scared me this way. St. Nick may be an elf, but he always reminded me of a kindly and gentle grandpa who brought me presents and candy once per year. The Easter bunny on the other hand, is this humungous beast covered in fur, with razor sharp teeth, whose sole mission is to HIDE the freakin' eggs I worked my a$$ off coloring!

On Christmas eve, all tucked and snug in bed, I would fall asleep with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. On Easter eve, I would lay awake terrified, straining to hear any sign of the giant rodent with it's rodent brain thinking alien rodent thoughts. Would it stick to the script again this year by hiding the eggs, leaving some candy, and move on? Or would the creature twitch it's nose outside my bedroom door and decide to deviate from the schedule? No? Maybe it was just me then.
Funnies:


Jeremiah Wright's Easter message

Lacrosse- Excuse my French

High school lacrosse season has arrived and I couldn't be happier. Lacrosse season bridges the gap between the regular HS hockey season and the summer hockey season. While lacrosse does not hold the same sway over me as hockey, in some ways it's better. They both have goals on either end of the ice/field with the object of sending the game's designated projectile (puck/ball) into said net. Lacrosse is a game of skill, athleticism, and grace, interrupted by numerous violent and indescriminate assaults to opponent's upper torso using your stick. Cool!

Let me tell you a little bit more about lacrosse, for I have studied it intensely for many years. The word "lacrosse" comes from the french, and literally means "the crosse", and refers to the stick weapons used by the Christians to defeat Napolean in the French Revolution.

Ok, a quick google search and 30-second visit to wikipedia suggests that the prior paragraph is not entirely true, and that lacrosse has it's origins in North America. The game was invented by the plains indians and originally called "dehuntshigwa'es", meaning "men hit a rounded object" (like Custer's head). In fact, early lacrosse balls were actually skulls of early settler's. I can not completely swear to the veracity of the last sentence, but it's probably true. Savages.

In any case, the game today is played with a very hard rubber ball that, when thrown with the crosse (stick thingy), can travel over 100 miles per hour. Did I mention that you can two-hand your opponent with your crosse? Don't worry though, the players are covered with pads that shield and armor over 3 % of their bodies. Anyway, it is an interesting game (and an interesting ride home, as I watch my son in the rearview mirror counting contussions, welts, and purple bruises scattered about his chest and arms). Why is he smiling? Honey, did he take a blow to the head?

This is the beginning of my second season as a lacrosse fan, and yet I can't tell you the function of any of the chalk lines. It's like the groundskeeper got hammered and started wheeling the chalk cart around the football field, staggering while releasing a thick line of chalk. Just look at the shapes! I see squares, rectangles, parallelograms, and, if I'm not mistaken, a rhombus or two! I'm not entirely convinced that the referees know all of the rules either, but occasionally they will call a foul, and the offending player will have to kneel down for a minute or two on the sidelines. What? No humiliating penalty box? They could make the player sit in the porta potty for the term of his penalty sentence.

My ignorance of the game does not stop me from cheering enthusiastically. Maybe that's just my teeth chattering, because it's usually 20 degrees with a biting wind in the bleachers this time of year. And the players in those shorts! Not me coach. I think I'd at least rig a battery powered cup warmer.

Too busy to blog

This week's "blog of the week" goes to Monkeydarts. Monkeydarts is an investment banker from South Carolina, and apparently an avid Detroit Tigers fan. Thanks for the comment on the Tigers post, and yes, they shall win it all! Obviously you are a very wise and learned sage. So let's see... My attorney's name is "Snapper", my mortgage specialist is "Pic Pic", and now possibly my new junk bond day trader's name is "Monkeydarts"... Hey Monkeydarts! Do you play golf?

You must go read his blog. Now. Go.

Curtain opened on Obama of Oz

Obama throws his grandma under the bus for political gain in his "Ridin' Dirty" address yesterday. Evidently, since grandma was a hate-spewing racist, he should somehow be immune to criticism about taking a 20 year "spiritual" journey with Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Huh? Charlatan.

Is it just me, or did the beginning of his speech sound familiar?:

"I don't feel no ways tired. I come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me that the road would be easy. I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me"

In other news
* Supreme Court justices decided not to rewrite or ignore the Constitution (ala Roe v. Wade), and that Americans DO have the right to bear arms. Woo! (they weren't getting mine either way). The case was the culmination of a suit against the District of Columbia brought by Dick Anthony Heller, a 65 year-old security guard who's application for a home protection firearm was denied. "Heller", eh? Sharing a surname with a "war mongerer" has to really irriate Andy the pacifist.

* Yay! The DOW was up over 400 points in the stock market rally! Maybe I will be able to retire when I'm 80 after all! (no thanks to hockey, parochial schools, and my 3 boys eating habits)

Obama's "Ridin' Dirty" speech

I can't wait. This promises to be one "big fat nasty"!



It is being reported that Obama will address race and politics in his speech tonight. Pundits are comparing the importance of this speech to JFK's Catholic speech, and more recently, Mitt Romney's Mormon speech. I think it has the potential to be as impactful as Nixon's "I am not a crook" speech. It should be interesting to see how the debonair but vacuous Obama straddles the fence of embracing the Rev. J Wright, while at the same time stiff-arming him.

Jeff Emanuel has a great post on this subject at RedState.com, titled"GOD D#$% AMERICA (and other stories straight from the bible)". Here's the gist:

If there's one lesson that has been abundantly clear from the fall of public figures over the last few years -- Bill Clinton, Roger Clemens, Rafael Palmeiro, Eliot Spitzer, Mike Vick, Alberto Gonzales, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera -- it is that the bad deed is not what does in the person who commits it; rather, it is the persistent lying about it that does.

Barack Obama's continued pathetic attempts to spin (read: lie about) the situation regarding his involvement with Jeremiah Wright's black-separatist megachurch shows that he, like all of those listed above and so many more, is afflicted with the same elitist mindset that drove the others to maintain that they were innocent of those things which they were rightly accused of.

Good point! If guilt by association is unfair, may we at least question Obama's honesty as he tries to spin his way out of this?

I wonder if wife Michelle is still proud of her country (for the first time), or if this controversy has sunk her back into the life-long mode of hatred and shame for the “US of KKKA”. This is too rich!

Democrats need the Smart Goggles

Don't confuse beer goggles with Smart Goggles, invented by Professor Kuniyoshi at the University of Tokyo. These goggles have a built in camera, display screen, and computer-powered brain thingy. Other than making the wearer look like a complete dork, they reportedly remember where you last saw your keys, your iPod, your pocket protector, etc.

Just read the following assorted features and tell me that you don't have the urge to run out and buy one of these Goggles:

...it could also be used as an educational tool. If given the right programming, it could allow wearers to walk through gardens, stare (at) unfamiliar plants and find out their names instantly.

More sophisticated versions could also help people who are bad at remembering names get through awkward social situations.

The invention does have flaws. It cannot cope with family members who insist on hiding or moving objects. And it struggles to cope with objects placed in unusual positions.

OK, listen up Yoshi, allow me to help you out with a few things. First, I get it. You invented these glasses because in some nerd-logic way, you thought that it might help you get a girlfriend, and not one that has one of those valve stems, am I right? What you need to do immediately is to STOP walking through gardens with those goggles staring at plants. You're scaring the chicks. Seriously.

Next, you say that these goggles will remind the wearer the name of the person they are conversing with, thereby avoiding that "awkward social situation." The computer evidently has face recognition technology and will flash the name of your subject on the view screen, correct? well, unless you are trying to pick up a cyborg "woman" while wearing these goggles, EVERY situation might be construed as "awkward". Man, you are just trying too hard! Turn the viewscreen on ESPN-HD, grab a cold one and chill. Your rugged disinterest and anti-social behavior will actuallly ATTRACT the females. Trust me here, Yoshi.

Lastly, what the $%^& kind of sick family members do you have, and why do they insist on moving and hiding your keys? You might want to equip those goggles with a little side laser. Keep that baby on "stun" and let them have it if they get close to your stuff. This laser should also be equipped with a lethal setting, as you never know when you might run into Godzilla in the streets. (GO-ZEE-RAAA!!) Just kidding. Didn't mean to scare you.

Hope that helped.

Now I'm thinking that this invention might help the Democrats find a solution out of their current cunnundrum. Perhaps these Smart Goggles could allow the wearer to discern the true nature of the candidate. A glimpse at their soul, if you will. This should be within the parameters of what these goggles can do. I mean, these are Democrats we are talking about. The software wouldn't need to be any more complicated than the program used for plant staring in that garden.

So rather than an expensive re-do of the primaries in Michigan and Florida and being no better off for it, just try the goggles. What do you have to lose? Certainly not your dignity. Put them on and power them up. Let's start by taking a closer look at Barak Obama. No, no, no. I mean, Really LOOK at him. After cutting through the packaging and marketing, what do you think the goggles might reveal? If the goggles worked as advertised, you might just be staring at that empty suit. Maybe you want to give Obama the goggles and let him wear them throughout his presidency. Obama has no real experience to draw from in a time of crisis. Maybe the goggles' viewscreen would constantly display correct responses to world leaders for unlimited hypothetical situations. The goggles could be programed with a smart chip routine called, "what would Ronald Reagan do?". Nah. As Ron White says, "you can't fix stupid".

What about the true Hillary exposed? Yikes!

On second thought, just put on those beer goggles!

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Michigan Mulligan on primary re-do

So Michigan Democrats will get a mulligan with a tentative June 3rd "do-over" primary. Evidently, DNC rules dictate that a re-vote must be held by June 10 for the results to count. If there is one thing we know for sure, it's that these people are real sticklers for the rules. Oh sure, Michigan thumbed it's nose for the rules by originally moving up their primary, but that was done in order to coronate Queen Hillary on Super Tuesday.

Hmmm. That didn't work out so well. Clinton operatives argue that Hillary won the January 15th primary and that those votes should count. Of course, she was the only candidate on the ballot, but why should that trifle be used to disenfranchise those who voted? Obama argues that he shouldn't be penalized for his unilateral withdrawal.

I asked Jeremiah Wright (Obama's pastor of 20 years,) after church last week, what he thought about this Michigan delegate debacle. He answered, "God Bless Michigan? No, no, no, God #$%* Michigan!.” Whoa there fella. You have a little bit of spittle foam at the corner of your mouth.

In the spirit of fairness, I want to step in and offer a real solution before Cuomo's prediction that this fight could become ruinous is realized. First, we need to level the playing field. If the DNC insists that a do-over be held before June 10, then Michigan should schedule it for June 11. This time however, the ballot should offer Obama as the only option to the voter. I will go out on a limb here and predict that Obama would win this election.

Now what?

Well, they would have several choices at this point. The Dems could compare the results of this re-do with the January tally, with the highest vote-getter declared the winner. Or they could simply declare a tie and run both as the co-presidential candidates (as they are equally inept). Obama could govern by day, since he gives better speeches, and Hillary could take the night-shift, since she feels more qualified to answer that 3 A.M. phone call.

The important thing here is that they continue to spend money to beat each other up rather than save it to use against McCain in the general election.