The Flying Nun Strikes Again

The Flying Nun was a sitcom that ran for three seasons from 1967 to 1970 and I never missed an episode. You could say I made it a habit (sorry).  Of course the family TV only received 3 channels, two of which could only be watched on good weather days (albeit with extremely fuzzy reception) and only then when the watcher displayed a deft hand on the dial controller for the outside 50 foot antenna attached to the house.

Sally Field had the starring role as Sister Bertrille. I forget what exactly was the premise of this sitcom or the weekly plots...

I'm thinking she was a crime-fighting nun who could fly when pointing her gull-winged cornette into the breeze. Memories of her flying over the countryside is really the only memories I retain from this show, but isn't that enough?

I was reminded of this awesome show when I stumbled upon this story

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The government's "Fort Knox" of weapons-grade uranium storage has ended a contract with a unit of an international security firm two months after an 82-year-old nun and other nuclear activists broke into the site. 

 My first thought was that Sister Bertrille is 82? I mean, to breach this site would have required nighttime stealthly ninja-like paragliders with superpowers, right? Or the Flying Nun. If only the Israelis had a battalion of these ladies. Game over Iran.

The point is, what this nation needs more than anything during these trying times is a return to this beloved TV series. OK, maybe not running the original series in syndication. What we need is a remake befitting today's unique challenges and fears. The Flying Ninja Nun! Better yet, how about a major motion picture with a budget the size of the Avengers movie.

Heck, maybe 82-year-old Sister Bertrille joins the crime fighting Avengers in their sequel. Can you imagine? You thought Iron Man, Hulk, Thor and Capt'n America were formidable - throw this lady into the mix and fuhgettaboutit!

OK, I actually took a time out to read the article I've already linked to that led to those most excellent ideas above. Apparently I was incorrect in assuming the nun flew over the walls of this "secure" facility.

The nun, Megan Rice, and two others cut perimeter fences to reach the outer wall of a building where enriched uranium was stored. 

OK, in this day of islamofacist terrorism, THAT is slightly disturbing. Maybe Sly Stallone as Rambo could pull this off using wire cutters, a bow and a quiver with an unlimited supply of magical arrows, but an 82-year-old SISTA SOLDJA!?

No sense crying over spilt Plutonium. Stitch up the chain link fence, put a new lightbulb in the guard tower lamp and move on. My only hope now is that Sister Megan can learn to fly. And why not? I can see the opening show narration now!

Sister Bertrille, a former anti-nuclear activist who was irradiated by uranium rays during one of her facility security breaches is barely alive! Sisters, we can rebuild her. We have the Holy water and this ridiculous looking winged hat. We have the capability to build the world's first Nuclear Powered Flying Nun! Sister Bertrille will be that nun. Better than she was before. Better, stronger, faster.

Yahoo's Name Game

Did you play the The Name Game yet? (I said "Name" not "Blame" - Obama will play the Blame Game again in next week's debate) In the meantime, a brainless diversion. Does your name really lend clues to your political leanings? Well, in my case it was accurate. And 100% of "Mitts" are Republican and 100% of "Baracks" are socialists democrats. They do not show in the results, so I'm just filling in the blanks like the regular media does. That's allowed, right?

Keep in mind, this is a breakdown by name of political donors. Folks who actually GAVE $$ to one or the other political campaign. I'd be interested to see a similar chart of the 47% who don't pay taxes.

BREAKING: JIMMY HOFFA'S BODY FOUND IN SANDRA FLUKE'S "CRAWLSPACE"!

OK, not really. Jimmy has been missing for 37 years while by most accounts Miss Fluke's crawlspace is in the lower 30s.

But in the spirit of this year's political Democrat tagline: "Let no Hole go to waste"

The latest in the search for Jimmy Hoffa...

but first let's recap.

On July 30, 1975, Teamsters mobster Jimmy Hoffa visited a suburban Detroit restaurant for a planned meeting with a wiseguy from 'Jersey and another nose-bender from Detroit. He hasn't been heard from since.

Foul play has long been assumed, but I wonder if he just got a bad coney island hotdog from the drivethrough while he waited for his buddies. After all, what kind of friend would let you suffer from a tummy ache without giving you a merciful triple tap center mass, roll up in large rug and off the Ambassador bridge?

But I digress.

The point is, there has been a 37 year long macabre game of "Where's Waldo's Stinking and Decomposing Corpse?" ever since. Rumors persist that his body is encased in concrete at Giants Stadium, another that his bones are entombed at a nearby horse farm, and still another has him swimming with the 'gators in a Florida Swamp.

The latest tip from a dying man (usually a reliable source in Hitchcock films) has led investigators to search under a Detroit suburban driveway. Apparently, ground penetrating radar has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt "that the earth had been disturbed at some point in time" there.

In other words, we can safely rule out the possibility that the 12-foot-by-12-foot concrete patch was naturally occurring. After intense and expensive "Environmental" testing, investigators are pretty sure the concrete was poured purposefully in this location (probably between 2X4 wood forms!) many years ago - thereby "disturbing the earth".

In an ongoing expenditure of taxpayer dollars, soil samples taken by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality at the site will be examined by a Michigan State University forensic anthropologist for signs of human decomposition. This MSU scientist has experience in this field as he has recently been studying this year's version of the Spartan football team for evidence of same.

What a bunch of democrat bureaucratic jackasses! Just dig a hole already! Seriously, gimmee a sledge, a case of LaBatts and an afternoon and I could have this done for them.

By the way, if "Five-O" comes sniffin' around to ask me where I was and what I was up to on July 30, 1975, I gots me a pretty tight alibi.  This was a month before my 14th birthday, and while it would have been logistically possible for me to make this 60 mile trip on my mountain bicycle with the banana seat and tall flag off the back, there is no way that dude's rigor mortis frame would have fit between my handlebars.

Be Like Betty Botter and Buy a Bit of Better Butter

Betty Botter bought some butter,

"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.

If I bake this bitter butter,

It will make my batter bitter.

But a bit of better butter -

That would make my batter better."

So she bought a bit of butter,
Better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,
And the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.

Barack Obama is "THE REPLACEMENT REF"

From Chattering Teeth Pictures, the feel good movie of next year!

He's a former neighborhood community football game organizer who was thrown into a job that was much too big for him.  You'll laugh and you'll cry, as the bungling ex-president bumbles, stumbles and bows repeatedly through blown call after blown call.


Here's what they are saying...

Jerry Lewis: "Almost as funny as my 1960 hit Cinderfella. Loved it when he mistakenly entangled players with his teleprompter cord"

CNN: "They're all Gutsy Calls!!"

Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy: "I've never seen anything like that in all my years watching movies."

Animal Crackers

Animals are conscious and should be treated as such

ARE animals conscious? This question has a long and venerable history. Charles Darwin asked it when pondering the evolution of consciousness. His ideas about evolutionary continuity - that differences between species are differences in degree rather than kind - lead to a firm conclusion that if we have something, "they" (other animals) have it too.

Well, no wonder your conclusion is wrong. Your premise is based upon a dude who spent all of his free time with cold blooded reptiles and pea-sized brain avians (no, I'm not talking about democrat voters this time). The correct answer is that we share an animating spirit with animals, but in addition to that, God created us with an eternal soul.

Read the article if you must (though I don't recommend it). Lots of chin-pulling academ-idiocy going on here. Neuroanatomical this, and neurochemical that. Yet it's perfectly fine to murder a human baby if it is in proximity to the mother's female monster's womb.

Loved this part though, cuz it got me humming a cool tune.

I was also disappointed that the declaration did not include fish, because the evidence supporting consciousness in this group of vertebrates is also compelling.

Obviously, this fella never studied under Kurt Cobain

And I'm living off of grass And the drippings from the ceiling But it's ok to eat fish Cause they don't have any feelings

Iranian Friday Night Lights

Soccer Grenade Update, A Chattering Teeth Exclusive!

Did a friendly cheer from the visiting Saudi Arabian squad lead to an over-zealous fan throwing grenade?

Yah Team!

Soccer Grenade In Iran Explodes - If they get the nuke it would be bad for the game

Maybe you saw the video. A soccer match between an Iranian team and the visiting Saudi Arabian team.

During a stoppage of play, a group of players are visible arguing with the referees. It's not clear what the dispute was about. I'm guessing it was either about a perceived blown call on the field of play, or just to complain about that anti-Islam video.

Meanwhile, a nearby player picks up a round object and casually walks it over to the sideline where he gives it a little toss off the field of battle. It hits the ground and immediately explodes.

A GRENADE EXPLODES IN IRAN!! This is... news? Folks, the blame for this clearly lies with the player for not identifying exactly what the object was before picking it up. In Iran, if you blindly pick up an unidentified round object, don't be shocked if it's a grenade. Or some other explosive device. Or a severed infidel head for that matter. It's just a culture thing.

Would it be news if a YouTube video came out showing an American blindly picking up an object before identifying it, say - on the streets of New York City - only to discover they were holding a used condom? An old and rusty heroin needle? An aborted fetus?

Like I said, it's a culture thing.

We love our sports over here too. For me, I love going to Comerica Park to watch my Detroit Tigers play. There has been a time or three when the umps blow a call that goes against the home team. I've never witnessed a tossed grenade in response. Maybe a few "F-Bombs", but everyone still has their fingers when play resumes. Of course, we have real sports over here. If I were subjected to a soccer game, I have no idea what kind of inhumanity to man to which I'd be capable.

So in conclusion, the soccer match was called due to showers (of shrapnel), and the Tigers lost 12 - 4 to the As. Them no good flin flarn fritter fratter f&$#s!!!

Faded Pieces of Papyrus could sink Romney Campaign (Hope Mainstream Media)

Newly discovered faded pieces of papyrus written in Coptic in the fourth century, throw into question earlier documents that were the basis for "Romans" in the Gospel.

Apparently a new translation of this ancient text says it actually refers to "Romney" and not the "Romans" who treated the dependent slaves cruelly and who ultimately crucified Jesus.   

Leaked Video! Romney now states that "47% of Tsetse flies are dependent on an unsuspecting host"

Today's headlines...

Mitt Romney's '47 Percent' Comments Are 'Not The Way I View The World' 
Insensitive to mature maggots! 
Obama compassionately for redistributing germs 
Romney's comments rock campaign... 
May lose turd sitter's votes 

OK, actually 100% of these little vampires feed on the blood of vertebrate animals. However, both Tsetse flies and liberalism are known to cause human sleeping sickness.
 
pics on Sodahead

Meanwhile, from David Letterman's guest couch: Obama says he "works for everybody, not just for some". Uhhh mister president? You're doing it wrong.

Was Elvis watching the anti-Islam movie in 1970 something when he shot his TV?

No time to follow up on this, but am a little curious as to the identity of the dude in the picture I see on my homepage Drudge. It looks like Mort from Bazooka Joe being taken in for questioning.
 
Not sure why (stale bubblegum?), but in this new world order, just insert any conservative blogger who irritates Obama and he will have them roughed, cuffed and brought in for "questioning".


Then again, maybe this insensitive comic is the cause for unrest among the otherwise peacefull desert dwellers in the Middle East.

Michelle Obama grilled by hostile "press"

Whether you like Michelle Obama or not, you have to give her some respect for doing something her husband will not - That is, exposing herself to a hostile press. Sure, they were only elementary and middle school kids she met at a campaign stop at a Virginian YMCA. But they sure were tougher than anything Obama has been through.

The kids had tough questions for the first lady (here are a few):

"As she entered the room, one boy pointed at her and yelled “Obama.” The First Lady said “No, I’m his wife.”

Random Kid: Are you the president?
Michelle: “I am not a president. I am married to the president,”
Random Kid: Where is Obama?
Michelle:  “He’s at work."

Then, according to the story, Michelle "then asked the adults, 'Where is Barack Obama?' She was told he’s in Colorado today." Apparently, Michelle didn't believe the children were as gullible as the average liberal when told that Barack "was at work".  Of course, the confirmation that he was in Colorado did not preclude the probability that he was on the golf course at that moment while the Middle East was burning.

Back to the grilling...

Random Kid: Do you like Barack Obama?
Michelle: “I do like Obama, I like him a lot.”

How about THAT question folks? Even these young minds struggle against indoctrination and the NEA approved template that Obama is actually "likeable". They have TVs at home and know better. As for Michelle's answer, what would you expect her to say? However, she does sound a little like a "corporate wife" if you ask me.


When asked by a kid where the Obamas would live if President Obama loses, "The First Lady said they could figure that out later," according to the pool report...

Another boy asked her if she thinks Obama will get outrun by Mitt Romney. “I watch TV,” he said by way of explanation, adding that he sees a lot of Romney on TV.

“He does have a lot of commercials,” the First Lady answered.

What this report doesn't mention is whether or not those last two questioners (we'll call them little Woodward and Bernstein) will have IRS agents auditing their parent's tax returns.


When Michelle had enough, she snapped a command to "eat your vegetables!" before storming out.

Nice job kids! Those hard-hitting "gotcha" questions seemed rehearsed and lead me to believe that the children had advance notice of the First Lady's visit. I imagine the first graders meeting in the corner of the gym having the following conversation that shows up on Youtube because of an "open cellphone connection":


(muddled YouTube audio)
Unknown Child 1: "That’s the question....Yeah that’s the question. "Do you like Obama?..."
Unknown Child 2: "Your question? Your statement?"
Unknown Child 1: "I mean your statement. Not even your tone, because then she can go off on liking him a lot –"
Unknown Child 2:  "And then if she does, I think we can just follow up and say ‘but this morning your answer is continuing to sound' –" the sentence is cut off by an audio feed interruption,
Unknown Child 1: "No matter who she calls on, we’re covered on the one question.”

But that kind of thing wouldn't happen with REAL reporters.


BTW Michelle, I have an answer to the housing question from above... That is, if George will take you in.

Hey Obama, if I Apologize, will you resign?

NOTE: This blog requires a photo ID. Just hold it up to the monitor and gimmeee a looksee. Good. Also be advised, unlike the U.S. Marines at the U.S. embassy in Cairo, this blog uses live ammunition with my liberal armor penetrating "Thought Bullets". You may now proceed.

The similarity between my statement below, and yesterday's condemnation by Hillary Clinton of the Anti-Islam Film she believes led to Islamofacists storming of our embassies and killing Americans on 9/11 is purely coincidental. If pressed, I can PROVE several words from my statement are different from hers. Obviously, the repeated bowing and apologies for our freedom has not worked for Obama, but I am willing to give it a try if they put so much stock in it...

I want to say a few words about the events unfolding within the Obama regime that affect us all. The Federal Reserve is promising to inflict more devastating and inflationary "Obama re-election stimulus" upon us at home, and the AQQE3 (Al Queda Quantitative Easing) - or Obama and his surrogate's apology tour, Day 3, abroad. 

I want to take a moment to address Dinesh D'Souza anti-Obama movie circulating the country that has added to Obama's apparent declaration of war against the economy of the United States and our national security.

Let me state very clearly -- and I hope it is obvious -- this blog had absolutely nothing to do with this movie. I  absolutely reject its content and message (fingers crossed). Chattering Teeth’s commitment to Christian intolerance goes back to the very beginning of the reign of Obama, peace be unto him (and the cock crowed 3 times).

To us here at Chattering Teeth Studios, to me personally, this movie is disgusting and reprehensible (*cough* *cough*). It appears to have a deeply cynical purpose: to denigrate a great president and to provoke Tea Party rage against his socialist agenda.

But as I said repeatedly, there is no justification, none at all, for responding to this movie with additional violence against our economy with the monetary flooding of $40 billion of mortgage-backed securities per month. There is no justification for the suicidal foreign policy of weakness, the latest demonstration evidenced by Obama agreeing to meet with the Muslim Brotherhood Egyptian President next week (scheduled between his late night talk show spots no doubt), but refusing to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to plan on how to avoid Israel's nuclear annihilation.

Listen Mr. President, I get it. D'Souza's film is hurtful. But storming the walls of our Constitution is not the answer!...

Wait a minute, never mind! You were perpetrating your destructive agenda upon us long before D'Souza's film. I take back my apology above. Instead, I'll just satisfy myself in doing my part in your complete and utter defeat come this November.

BOLD! Obama offers "undocumented embassy immigrants" work permits

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS EXCLUSIVE: Co-ordinated al Qaeda 9/11 attacks on our embassies in Egypt and Libya have left U.S. ambassador Christopher Stevens and several other Americans dead. Now, American embassies in Algeria and Tunisia are on high alert for more attacks.

The Obama administration has acted boldy and quickly by immediately sending an apology to these young demonstrators. President Obama has since ordered a pamphlet drop on the affected embassies, re-stating the apology and promising immediate incarceration and prosecution of the Californian filmmaker who produced a film that ridiculed Islam's Prophet Muhammad.

"...There is no doubt thaaaat... this filmmaker acted stupidly," Obama stated.

Obama has made yet another gutsy call in bypassing Congress and issuing an emergency executive order that offers these "undocumented embassy immigrants" who have crossed the border into sovereign United States territory, work permits and deportation deferrals.

OBAMA: They can stay. After all, they climbed these embassy walls in hopes of improving their lives. What I reject is when some folks sit on the sidelines and root for failure. "You're not mopping fast enough." "That's an Islamic mop." Hey Mitt, why don't you grab a mop, instead of talking smack.

Gullible Gabrielle Speaks out

Today's guest blogger is my gender bender neighbor, Gullible Gabe "Gabrielle".

The right wingers are at it again, spouting their hate and discrimination. This time the target is Robert "Roberta" Kosilek, convicted of murdering his/her/it's wife in 1990 after she caught him prancing around the apartment in her lingerie. What always seems to be left out of their hate speech from this story is that Kosilek's wife LAUGHED at him when she caught him stuffing the ill-fitting bra in front of the mirror, lipstick smeared across his lips and cheeks, and the toes of his size 11 feet squeezed into her red high-heeled pumps. She LAUGHED! OK, he might have mistaken her screams for laughter, but the point is she made herself an unwanted tissue mass, so where's the crime? I wish a had a nickel for every time this happened to me, right democrats? There but the grace of Gaia go I.

So are these tea party prudes satisfied to just let Kosilek unjustly rot in prison? Nooo! Now they are angry that a Massachusetts judge ruled in his favor for a taxpayer funded "sex reassignment operation".

Not only should Romney and the rest of you one percenters have to pay for this humane life-saving castration, but Kosilek should have been allowed to speak at the Democrat Convention! Right before that man/girl... what was her name? The one with the thousand yard stare and linebacker shoulders who thinks Catholics should pay for her birth control. Andy?, no Sandy. Sandra  Fluke. That's it! Another fine progressive. Oh well. Change is hard.


Speaking of foreign policy, I loved how President Obama called out those other guys the other day when he said, "My opponent and his running mate are new to foreign policy."

YOU GO B.O.! Who do they think they are? Obama has made gutsy call after gutsy call. Just yesterday, we responded to the al-Qaida sympathizing rioters in Egypt and Libya (who stormed our embassies and murdered a few U.S. spies) by apologizing for our freedoms very eloquently.

Would Mitt Romney have apologized to these rampaging Islamo fellas, on the anniversary of 9-11 no less - or would he have told them to "Go to hell" like Charles Krauthammer suggested?


Only Obama has demonstrated to me that he can bow repeatedly and ass-kiss these Islamo fellas while he sticks it to those Jewish occupiers in Israel. You would think Israel would be content with the democrats re-inserting Jerusalem as the capital back in their platform. I mean, we still allow them Christians to blaspheme our president by leaving in Bethlehem as the birthplace of their savior in their platform.

The point is, we don't need no stinkin' newbees like Romney and Ryan muddling into foreign affairs! Like us progressives like to say, "There is no god but Obama and the Media is his glorious messenger".

Do the HOKEY POTUS

I like just about anything on my pizza. The main exception are those slender, dark and smelly worm looking things... what do you call them?... That's right. Barack Obamas.

I also hate those anchovys.

You lift the HOKEY POTUS
and you spike him to the ground
That's what it's all about

Rubber Chicken in Space gives pride to this Comedy Prop

A page from my high school yearbook. I look so young here!  
Senior class at Comedy Prop Prep

The ringing phone woke me from my alcohol-induced slumber at 9AM this morning.

*Riiiiinngg!*... *Riiiiinngg!*... *Riiiiinngg!*...

I gave the plastic winder on the side of my jaw a couple clockwise turns to set my perfectly aligned and sparkling white Teeth a Chatterin' and picked up the receiver.

"Hello?," I chattered.

"Pfffffft!"

"What do you want Whoopee Cushion? This better be good, waking me at this hour."

"Good morning to you too Chattering Teeth! Did you see the *pfffft* news yet this morning?"

"No. I believe I already mentioned the fact that you woke me up. I got in late last night. Me and the Mrs. went to the local Speak Easy and chattered and danced the night away. My teeth are still sore. *Clack, clack, clack*

"How is Joy Buzzer, still shockingly gorgeous? I still can't believe you convinced her to put her battery-operated and carefully concealed ring on your finger. *Pfffft! *BLLLAPP!*"

"She's sleeping. Probably still a little buzzed. What's up? What news were you referring too? *Clack, clack, clack*"

"Some high school students in California sent Camilla up to the top of the atmosphere on board a suborbital helium balloon! *"Pffffft!* Go check it out bro! I'll call ya back, but first I'm gonna fill up on some helium. *BLLLAPP!*"

"Helium? Wha...? Nevermind. He hung up."

Now I should tell you that Camilla was the Rubber Chicken that Whoopee Cushion and I went to high school with at Comedy Props Prep. Whoopee Cushion had a crush on her back then (he still does, if I read his flatulence right), but Camilla was rubbernecking with Wooden Mallet back in those days. I hear they broke up in college when Woody changed his name to "Sledge-O-Matic" and got mixed up using bad watermelon with some dude named Gallagher. Nobody has heard from him since. If Rubber Chicken would have had half a brain, she would have just sat on Whoopee Cushion.

So I hung up the phone and jumped onto the information highway, quickly finding the news story Whoopee had steered me to.

The latest from NASA: Rubber Chicken (Camilla) Flies into Solar Radiation Storm

According to the story, Camilla didn't technically make it into space, but at an altitude of 120,000 feet, she was 99% of the way there. Apparently, she was the subject of an experiment where she was equipped with sensors to measure radiation from high-energy solar protons she was exposed to at point-blank range.



As I watched the video, I couldn't help but wonder if the old saying was true, that "In space, no one can hear you cluck". This balloon ride might only be One small flight for a rubber chicken, but it is one giant leap for comedy props. While science still can't provide an answer to the age-old question: Why did the chicken cross the road?" They certainly can shed light on why the chicken crossed the stratosphere. To get bombarded with radiation, of course.

OK, so those were pretty lame observations I know, but my palate is still pounding from last night. *clack* *clack*

Us Comedy Props take a certain pride when one of our own makes it big. You might be thinking that getting strapped to a high altitude balloon during a solar storm is not your idea of "making it big". What can I chatter? It's what we are made for. Human's amusement. Our kind has come too far since the days when we were discriminated against, when no self-respecting comedian would get caught dead using a comedy prop. Things got better for a short time when Arrow Through the Head and Bunny Ears made the big time! They haven't been spotted in public for many years now, and rumor has it they are wasting away their retirement years in Steve Martin's sock drawer.

As for me, I'm happy to be partnered up with this conservative blogger fella. He keeps me amused.

Democrat Convention Update, Day 2: The Clinton Finger Wag!

The Democrat Platform Bible update:
Good news! God is back in! Jerusalem is back in! Sure, it took 3 votes before the DNC finally just ignored the will of the delegates, who clearly voted more loudly in opposition. The DNC is just following their leader's example, who has governed against the will of the American people for almost four painful years.

Three times a secular charm!
 I absolutely LOVED watching the video of this vote. Thankfully, Fox News pretty much put this vote on a loop. I couldn't get enough, and my face hurt from laughing so hard at the look on the LA Mayor's face when the verbal vote wasn't going by the script. 

First Vote LA MAYOR: If you love God and give Him thanks and want Him back in the DNC platform, say "AYE"! 
Delegates: “aye” 
LA MAYOR: opposed?  
Delegates: 

"NAAAAAAY!!!!" 

Second Vote LA MAYOR: OK, let's try this again. While the chair recognizes that socialist atheists are the base of this party, comrade Obama doesn't want to scare away the gullible Christians currently on his side. He says if he can go to church once a year for the photo op, then you all can hold your nose and say "AYE"! 
Delegates: “aye”
LA MAYOR: God-hating, baby-killing fornicators opposed say "nay"? 
Delegates: 

"NAAAAAAY!!!!" 

It did get a little scary when after the third failed attempt, when the Mayor simply declared, in the “opinion of the chair,” that it had been passed. The reaction reminded me of the scene from the Excorcist when the priest sprinkles Holy water on the demonically possessed girl. The crowd vaulted to their feet screaming, waving their arms... I believe I saw a few hundred 360 head spins and projectile pea soup showers.

The base finally settled down when later in the program they were treated to feasting on Red meat and the corruption of innocent souls with speeches by Sandra Fluke and Bill Clinton. Remember, Sandra Fluke is a woman with no achievements other than being a poster child for taxpayer funded contraception and abortion inducing "healthcare". And if you've forgotten, Bill Clinton is the perfect champion for "women's rights" as the formerly impeached, accused rapist and intern-defiling ex-president.

 The Bill Clinton Finger Wag:
How do you know when Bill Clinton is lying? When he wags his finger and gives an impassioned preamble of, "I want you to listen to me", or "listen to me very closely", or some other rehearsed version of the same. You can pretty much bank on whatever is said next will set his perfectly creased and crackling pants on fire.

Teenage Bill: "I want you to listen to me... it is unhealthy for me if you stop now, and besides, it's good for your complexion"
President Bill: "I want you to listen to me closely... I did not! have! sex! with that woman... Ms. Lewinsky."
Retired Bill: "Listen to me now. No president, no president -- not me, not any of my predecessors -- no one could have fully repaired all the damage that he found in just four years."

I think Bill may have been referring to the damage done to Sandra's Fluker in her four years at Georgetown

PICTURED: Men wait in lengthy line for their turn with Sandra Fluke, who is currently in the backstage green room with Clinton.

The only question I have for tonight is if Obama will ride a donkey to Charlotte, NC, his chin high in the air as his white, unstained robe flows behind him - as ugly liberal woman lay palm branches in his path to the downsized Time Warner Cable Arena. 

Thanks be to Obama! Husseina in the highest!

SHOCK: DID OBAMA DVR MICHELLE'S SPEECH?

So I couldn't tell what Malia was saying here. Care to take a guess?

Day One of the Democrat National Convention and I can't find my remote!

Why did Elvis shoot his tv?

Picture the scene. It's 1970-something. You're in a Las Vegas hotel room with the blinds closed.  You've got a full 'fridge of snacks, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and you're wearing sunglasses. Oh, and you also have a loaded 38 revolver tucked neatly under your cape, a mean assed temper and you're Elvis Presley.

The question isn't "why did Elvis shoot his TV?", but rather "did the TV really ever have a chance?"

Still, folks want to know what "triggered" Elvis into blasting his TV screen. Was he watching news coverage of the Beatles and was jealous? Was it Richard Nixon coverage?... or maybe the Democrat National Convention was on TV that fateful night?

I don't think it was any of those popular picks, for that would be conduct unbecoming a badge carrying deputy for the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. I choose to believe that this was simply Elvis' way of calmly turning off the television when he was through watching it. The "Elvis remote", if you will.

Why did Elvis shoot his TV? You might as well ask why rain is wet? Why do birds sing?... Why ain't no river wide enough, ain't no valley low enough? Why did Fonzi waterski jump over a pen of hungry sharks? Or lastly, Why would a seemingly rational, semi-lucid individual not suffering from brain damage even consider voting for Obama?

I think you'd agree, these are all excellent questions without easy answers. 

Speaking of Obama, peace be unto him, did you catch his recap of the Republican Convention?
"It was a rerun. We’d seen it before. You might as well have watched it on a black-and-white TV. If you didn’t DVR it, let me recap it for you. Everything is bad, it’s Obama’s fault, and Gov. Romney is the only one who knows the secret to creating jobs and growing the economy."


That actually is not a bad synopsis. I have to give the president his due. I am quick to criticize him when he is wrong (read: every utterance emanating from his lying piehole), so I should tip my felt and feathered fedora when he stumbles into truth, even when he is being sarcastic.  In fact, I highly recommend everyone grab an ink pen and scrawl "Everything is bad, it’s Obama’s fault" on your arm. Better yet, get the tattoo.

The other thing worth mentioning in Obama's snarky recap is the swipe about the "black-and-white TV" era. Make no mistake, Obama was assaulting traditional family values here. You've heard liberals say this same thing a hundred different ways, "This isn't 'Ozzie and Harriet' or 'Father Knows Best'" - impugning and degrading television sitcoms from the 50s and 60s era that had the outdated and old fashioned "family values" theme. How "UN PROGRESSIVE!" The dads went to work and the moms stayed at home to take care of the kids. They ate family meals, the kids did their homework, and they all went to church on Sundays.

Or think "Happy Days", a show from the 70s about life in the 50s. I loved that show and I will not sit idly by as the president insults Mr. and Mrs C!

Were things perfect? Was there racism for example? Of course there was! This is the era when democrats fought the Republicans on civil rights while future democrat senator Robert Byrd ran through forests in a white sheet and pointy pillow case cap lighting crosses on fire. But one of the things that separates us conservatives from those other guys is this: We do not define (fill in the blank) with the lowest common denominator.

of course, it's no longer "progressive" for the mom to stay at home while dads go to work. In fact, Obama is doing everything in his power to make sure they BOTH have nowhere to go.

Which brings us to tonight, when I'll be snuggled up on the couch in front of my 9-inch black-and-white T.V. screen to watch the Democrat National Convention. Stocked 'fridge? Check. Sunglasses? Check. Half a pack of Grenadiers? Check.

"Hey honey! Be a darlin' and grab me my Elvis remote."

No actual TVs were harmed in the blogging of this ramble.

The Candidating Game - Another Chattering Teeth Comic

This may help some of the "undecideds" who vote purely on imagery and branding. And yes Mrs. DaBlade, he really said it.