2018 Blog New Year's Resolutions

What a difference a year makes, eh? ISIS is all but destroyed. No more Muslim Brotherhood toga parties at the White House. No more late night choom smoke wafting from the shaded corners of the White House South Lawn portico while the world was on fire. Ahhhh! Freedom!



As I scan the list of last year's 2017 Blog New Year's Resolutions, I am reminded of my juvenile and immature self from a full year ago. How naive and unsophisticated I was way back then! Were my puerile blog posts really that sophomoronic and Jejune? Was I so insecure and lubricious 12 months ago that I felt the need to use thesaurus dot com as a sort of crutch  to hide my indolence?

Well no more, misters and misseses! From now on, its full on blog stream of consciousness.

I've decided that my 2018 resolutions will be more about some guiding principles than an actual "to do" list. Some of these proverbs, idioms and mottos may seem familiar, but I've molded and improved them to fit my sedentary and reclusive lifestyle. I hope you find them utilitarian.

*Conceive it. Believe it. Achieve it. Take a selfie of me with it.

*Endeavor to persevere. Unless you're binge-watching Yule Log on Netflix.

*The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but never give a new rotor to a crying infant and expect a competent brake installation.

*Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but imitating flatulence can be considered cultural appropriation.

*Work hard and be kind and humble to others. Once enough wealth is acquired, kick those f*&kers to the curb.

*Never put off till tomorrow what... Never mind, the hockey game's on. I'll tell ya later.

*Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Unless you are a pessimistic masochist.

*The Truth shall set you free, but not as surely as a San Francisco jury.

*a friend in need is a friend indeed. Unless said 'friend' is the Friend of the Court, in which case the friend in need may require your Quit Claim Deed.

*Above all to thine own self be true. Just not on your Facebook homepage.

*To catch rabbits, Hide behind a bush and do carrot calls. You may not catch a rabbit, but... hey, look! A butterfly!

* (Ed's fav from last year) I resolve to live by this creed: Discretion may be the better part of valor, but a manly plush bathrobe is the better part of velour.

*Obviously as a grown a$$ed man, my preferred gender pronouns are 'he', 'him', and 'his', as I am not mentally ill. However, I do suffer from Subordinating Conjunction dysphoria, and therefore my adverb preference is 'nevertheless'.

*Helen Keller once signed, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Or was that Koko the talking gorilla? Then who signed, "Frown, cry, frown, sad" when their pet cat died? I always get those two mixed up.

*I believe it was Socrates who said... "You say goodbye and I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello." And then he was immediately administered hemlock for this heresy. I think. Then again, you should trust my wisdom implicitly because if it can be said that anybody doesn't know anything for sure, it's me! (There. unravel that word-riddle in your free time, whydon'tcha).

*I believe it was the Greek philosopher PlayDoh who said... "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. And if it doesn't fit, you better hope it didn't come from Wal Mart. Have you ever been through their returns line? Not the best dental plan I'll tell ya".

Cheers, everybody! Happy New Year! Have a safe celebration, and remember that tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Let's fill it with fake news!

The True Story of Melania and the White House Magnolia Tree

It's not surprising that Newsweek ran with a slanted hit piece on Melania Trump this week, with a bold headline in caps screaming:
MELANIA TRUMP ORDERS REMOVAL OF NEAR-200-YEAR-OLD TREE FROM WHITE HOUSE

What's a progressive mind to make of that? Melania must really hate old, historic trees! What could she possible have against an old growth Magnolia tree reportedly planted by none other than Andrew Jackson - a tree that has provided shade to countless visitors, and a safe haven and sanctuary for generations of squirrels and birds?

A tree that has witnessed so much important history. From the growing pains of a nation through the Civil War, both world wars, Elvis visiting Nixon, and the Obama girls (Sachal & Malace?) climbing its boughs to hide from their parents in order to smoke weed. And now the tree is all gone! Ripped from the ground root and stem and sold for parts like so much unwanted tissue mass from the womb of a democrat women at Planned Parenthood.

*Lip Quiver* Wh... wh... wh... whyyyyy!?

Fake news! Of course, the main stream haters will never tell you the true story of love behind the felling of this once-majestic tree. But that's why you come here, isn't that so my dear Theophilus?

So pull up the nearest stump and make yourself comfortable - for I am about to tell you the true story of a certain White House tree. I call this tale...

THE GIFT OF THE MAGNOLIA
[DISCLAIMER: Any similarity between this story and the short story written by O. Henry in 1905 titled, The Gift of the Magi - the tale with a Christmas twist involving a good wife who sold her hair for money to buy her husband a chain for his pocket watch, a watch he sold for money to buy her a set of fancy hair combs - is strictly coincidental.]

There once was a historic 200-year-old tree growing on the south lawn, and it was yuuuuuge! Believe me.

Melania daydreamed as she stared at the tree out the White House window. Christmas was almost upon them. This would be their first Christmas spent in the White House and she wanted it to be special. But what could she give her husband for Christmas that he didn't already have? Maybe a set of fancy hair combs? 

She continued to ponder this as she gazed at the wizened tree with it's gnarled branches held on to the trunk with a precarious series of pulleys and cabling. It was a wonder the old tree was still standing, and it had now become an actual safety hazard as it could fall over with the next slightest breeze. 

The tree had survived the last 200 years of administrations, but not for much longer after supporting Mooshell's girth when she climbed after her girls during the last one. "That is one ugly tree," thought Melania. "I really can't stand that tree. Just think of the wonderful natural light we could have in this wing if only that tree were removed." 

Donald watched his beautiful wife from the doorway, careful not to alert her to his presence. He noticed her staring at the large tree outside the window. She seemed to stare at the tree an awful lot lately. "She must really like that tree," thought the president. "That gives me a great gift idea!"

Suddenly Melania whirled from the window with the perfect gift idea that struck her like a lightening bolt.

LATER THAT CHRISTMAS EVE NIGHT... 
**the sound of a chainsaw firing up from somewhere on the grounds does not seem to catch the attention of the crack squad of Secret Service agents posting guard duty that night, as their earbuds tuned to their favorite spotify playlists muffled the whining roar of the chainsaw...

CHRISTMAS MORNING, 2017
At 7 o'clock the coffee was made... Melania stood in the doorway of the Oval Office, her nightgown covered in a fine layer of sawdust. "Here is you Christmas present darling!," said Melania, as she handed her husband his gift. Donald quickly tore off the wrappings to expose a brand new set of golf club woods.

"Do you like them?," she inquired. "The club heads are made from the wood of that nasty old tree that was in the yard until last night. I sawed that bastard down and stayed up all night whittling these for you."

Donald plopped down hard in his easychair, a look of shock on his face.  "You've cut the tree?" asked Donald. "You've cut the tree!"

Out of his trance Donald seemed quickly to wake. "if you'll unwrap that package you may see why you had me going a while at first. I sold my golf bag in order to buy this for you..."

White fingers and nimble tore at the string and paper. And then an ecstatic scream of joy; and then, alas! a quick feminine change to hysterical tears and wails... "Why, it's a bench! Like those you see sitting under the large Linden trees in my homeland of Slovenia!"

 How thoughtful! This would have been perfect sitting under that old Magnolia tree I removed to make your golf clubs."

"And these golf clubs would have have fit perfectly in my old golf bag - the one I sold in order to buy this bench for you," said Donald.

"But we're filthy rich," said Melania. "You didn't need to sell your golf bag!" 

"Oh well. One less tree though! Merry Christmas, dear!"

THE END

December the 26th, CORRECT!

It's back to work, gang. Please support our sponsors. Hope your Christmas was a merry one!

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Are there chimneys in P'yongyang?

Official NORAD Santa tracker

snail on a keyboard

I contracted the Geico Sloth to do the blog 'shop graphic...

...to accompany my comfort therapy terrestrial pulmonate gastropod mollusc named Bob's guest blog columnist post.

If you feel you must comment, please wait for them to complete their work. It's not like I will be watching from a warm Florida beach with a drink in my hand.

Roy Moore Announces Middle School Yearbook Signing Tour

Judge "Judges" Book By Cover

Can You Get An F In Lunch?

Not as long as you stay away from that dude in the cowboy hat sitting on a horse named Sassy in the school parking lot.

Meanwhile... across the fruited plain.
Hundreds, perhaps trillions of middle-aged white people stood in line for literally what seemed like a thousand years in a Seattle book store yesterday to get a signed copy of Clinton’s latest book, “What Happened,” and to meet their queen.

“She’s American royalty,’’ said [some pussyhat wearing female buffoon] as her friends nodded in agreement. “We have a queen.”

“It was so inspirational. I can’t believe that... I’m standing in the same room with her.”

What? As opposed to lying horizontally in a nearby park with a 'self-inflicted' gunshot wound?

Did Roy Moore Bully-Sign Boy's Yearbook?

BREAKING NEWS!!

Did Roy Moore bully-sign the yearbook of that Tennessee middle schooler with the funny schnoz? If so, can we all agree that maybe the judge has gone a little too far this time!? 

To Keaton,
If there is another Tennessee 
middle schooler with a funnier 
nose, I could not say.
Roy Moore - senator 2017

The Chattering Teeth Blog has the boy's original Horace Maynard Middle School yearbook, and their handwriting expert on staff is carefully analyzing the script as votes are being cast in the Alabama senate election (though the milk stains are distracting him). Will the results conclude that Moore bullied this young Jimmy Durante doppleganger? Will they be available in time to affect this election? Will Gloria Allred represent 'Rocky' after she gets a whiff of his mother's crowd funding efforts? Stay tuned for the exciting answers.

THE END

And now for a visit from the spirit of the Father from Christmas past.

Dude. Man up. 
Stand up for yourself. Don't ever willingly allow anyone to pour milk on you or put ham down your clothes without fighting back (or adding 2 slices of Wonder and squirting a mustard chaser down the front of your drawers for the laughs - chicks dig that kind of stuff). Don't be afraid to lose. In fact, you most likely will. But if you play your cards right, you won't lose before you get a good shot in on the biggest bully. And after you are knocked down and possibly bloodied, stand back up and confront them by yelling, "YOU QUIT, YOU LOSE M&**er F*%^ERS!!!!" Rinse and repeat. Trust me, they will think you crazy and leave you alone. There are always easier pickin's then 'crazy'. You see, there is no shame in losing my son. Only in not standing up for yourself. And not knowing which bathroom to use. My time is now done here. You will now be visited by the spirit of Christmas present. NOW whatcha gonna do when they come for you!?

Planned Parenthood Exit Coming Up

DOJ investigation launched into Planned Parenthood’s practice of selling baby parts

It's true, they kill millions of babies, then cut them up and sell their parts for profit - but should THAT minor detail override the good things they do? Like providing sex education... errr.... and providing important DIRECTORY services in telling young women where they can go if they insist on prenatal care or an actual breast exam.

And just WHO ARE YOU to decide that infanticide committed by a women's body is wrong? Don't like it, don't kill any!

I have a dream that one day the Buffalo Bill character from the movie Silence of the Lambs will not be judged by the content of his basement well nor the skins taken from his overweight victims, but by the quality of stitching for his 'woman suit'.

THIS JUST IN>>>
A "FREE MAMOGRAMS" (sic) sign found buried under the porch of legendary serial killer, John Wayne Gacy. If confirmed that Mr Gacy actually performed free mammograms or provided "non-judgmental" sex education - it could lead to his posthumous exoneration.

The embassy just got 10 feet higher

Trump to move our embassy to Israel’s capital in Jerusalem.

The capital of the Jewish people for a mere 4,000 years or so.

The arabs who call themselves 'Palestinians' (which is not really a thing) say they will withdraw from the peace talks. YIKKES! *WRINGS HANDS* *lip quiver* *sob*

The MSM agree that Trump has destroyed the peace process, hoping we will ignore the 100+ years of violence perpetuated by these same arabs.

Hamas plans 'day of rage' in response to Trump's Jerusalem decision

TRUMP: "The embassy just got 10 feet higher."
In fact, let's put the embassy in that domed building on that rock. First, paint over that ugly gold - I'm thinking 'egg shell white' - and put up a neon TRUMP sign on top.

Cake

The "Gay wedding cake controversy" is now in the hands of the Supreme Court.

The very future of our fragile republic rests in the outcome, and the answers to these questions.
1) Will Ruth Bader Ginsburg stay awake long enough to give her dependable rubber stamp vote to the leftist?

B) How many drool aprons will she soil through today's opening arguments?

c) Will the gay male couple show up for oral arguments covered in frosting and confectionary sugars like that large lesbian couple who put Sweetcakes Bakery in Oregon out of business?


4) Will the high court take up my petition to force Masterpiece Cakeshop to bake me this chattering teeth cake?

Stay tuned for the exciting outcome.

Harvey Weinstein Christmas Album

Love listening to the classics this time of year!

Harvey sings...
She & Him  "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's warm on my casting couch
This audition has been - ignore your conjoined twin
So very nice - I'll drop my pants and release the dice

My agent might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink? - Chloral Hydrate in there
I wish I knew how - Close your eyes and brace yourself
To break this spell - You want the part or not? Your twin looks swell

There's bound to be charges tomorrow - Think of my cell mate's sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you disappeared and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out
Ah, but it's cold outside
Oh, baby, I'm cold inside

Deluxe Matt Lauer Toy Office Desk With Secret Button

GREAT NEW GIFT IDEA FOR YOUR LI'L CHILD PREDATOR! 

NEW THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!!! Introducing the Deluxe Matt Lauer Toy Office Desk (With Secret Button)

It makes a wonderful addition to the playroom or bedroom of your budding male talk show host, democrat senator or Hollywood producer. This toddler toy desk features plenty of storage for kiddos to organize crayons, finger paints... toy handcuffs, zip ties & rolls of duct tape. 

There is an 'audition space' directly in front of the desk of your little predator-in-training, adjacent to the score board with the handy garment hook. Your little Johnny only needs to hit the "Secret Button" underneath the desktop to lock his bedroom door (Little Johnny's dad will need to help with the wiring - a GREAT father/son moment!) 

Will little Sally get the part? I guess that's up to her,isn't little Johnny? 

Now only $69.99. Our new operator, Matt Lauer is standing by to take your order. We can't promise he is wearing any pants. Call now!!

Matt Lauer had a secret button that would lock his office from the inside

...and somewhere in a high rise office... George Costanza sleeps beneath his desk, dreaming of being a marine biologist.

This linked sentence leads to a toy art desk and has nothing to do with this blog post of randomly hit key strokes. Any similarities or assumptions made to link this real children's toy with the one described here is the fault of the perverted mind of the reader making this false connection, and your blog host takes no responsibility for perverted democrats who may stumble here.

THE END

Pervey The Elf

Head Elf:  Pervey! What's eatin' ya, boy?

Pervey: Not happy with my work, I guess.

Head Elf: Do you mind telling me what you do want to do?

Pervey: Well, sir, someday, I'd like to be a... a senator.

Head Elf: Now listen: we have dolls that cry, talk, walk, blink and run a temperature. We don't need any dolls that sue us for getting groped and forcibly kissed against their will!

Sophia the Robot Buys Rommba on Cyber Monday

QUESTION: Why did a robot that is the very latest in artificial intelligence and robotics technology and also is programmed to identify as a female, purchase a Roomba® 980 robot vacuum on Cyber Monday?  

ANSWER: To save 10%... And because Sophia is a lesbian robot.

wait for it....

Buckle up. You are now entering the Chattering Teeth Matrix...

Chattering Teeth News - Have you heard about Sophia the humanoid robot? This is the most recent collection of nuts and bolts that has all the secular humanists excited at the possibility of man-made AI achieving sentience. Even Sophia's 'About Me' intro states in part -

"...Every interaction I have with people has an impact on how I develop and shapes who I eventually become. So please be nice to me as I would like to be a smart, compassionate robot. I hope you will join me on my journey to live, learn, and grow in the world so that I can realize my dream of becoming an awakening machine."

By the way, did you catch that passive-aggressive threat? Please be nice to me, for I would like to be... a compassionate robot. I am reminded of the "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" line from the Hulk movies.

But I digress.

Brainiacs like Elon Musk and Stephen Hawking have warned about the dangers of AI, and how these robots are a threat to the human race. Of course, most secular humanists probably think their can openers are 'alive', but these same clueless progressives can't see actual LIFE if it exists inside a woman's womb.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe that we can create dangerous machines that can be programmed to kill us. Just not actual life.

"God created Man. Man destroyed God. Man created Rommbas. Rommbas kill man and clean women's carpets... Woman Lesbots inherit the earth.” ― (Not Michael Crichton, Jurassic Park). 

Now that we are on this subject, check out this journalist's fascination with this machine's naughty parts... (at the 1:20-ish mark). I wonder if he talks dirty to his toaster too?


The latest Sophia news is that it says it wants to start a family.

Wait, I thought we established that Sophia was a lesbot? Is Sophia actually a BiBot? Maybe a TransBot? In any event, I think we can safely assume that the LGBTQIAPK COMMUNITY needs additional letters to account for the additional artificial genders. Let's start with LGBTQIAPK & AILAIGAIBAITAIQAIIAIAAIPAIK.

I have to go now. My iRobot Roomba® 980 is prancing around my living room wearing the sofa arm cover on it's head like some kind of impromptu woman's wig. Time to do some re-programming.

THE END

Was there Russian meddling in the preparation of Sarah Huckabee Sanders' chocolate pecan pie?

I was binge-watching the Netflix yule log for several hours (NO SPOILERS! I'm not finished watching!) when this stunning photo appeared in my inbox from an anonymous tipster with a hidden oven cam.

REALLY???? Isn't this the same pie from Sarah's tweet?

Chattering Teeth News -A bombshell indictment may be forthcoming in the alleged pie tampering investigation, this blog reporter has learned. Special counsel Robert Mueller's sole focus will now be dedicated in getting to the bottom of #piegate. Was there Russian meddling in the preparation of Sarah Huckabee Sanders' chocolate pecan pie?

Once this investigation is completed, Mueller promises to get to those deleted Clinton emails, the uranium to Russia, and the fake dossier thingy (if there's still time).

The White House press secretary swears she didn't share a fake pie picture, and the White House lawyers are hopeful that the investigation will end soon and absolve Sarah of any kitchen collusion wrongdoing.

Elon Musk builds world's largest battery - Black Friday Update - Now Sold Out!

Tesla Just Finished Building the World's Biggest Battery

...and here is the lucky purchaser of this one-of-a-kind 129 megawatt hour battery.

Apparently he had to camp out 30+ days in advance to be the first in line to get his lucky ticket. Originally he just wanted a shot at the 55" flat screen TV, but found he needed a new battery for his lantern. 

Happy Thanksgiving 2017

Looks like Senator Franken has dibs on the breasts.

And now for a visit from the Chattering Teeth Ghost of Thanksgiving posts past. Grab a seat by the fire... Now I wasn't born with a silver turkey gravy ladle in my over-sized pumpkin piehole, so you'll have to content yourself with a seat in front of my faux electric fireplace. Comfy?

The First Thanksgiving and Black Friday - Shopping like it's 1621! In 1621, prior to anthropogenic global warming, the month of November was cold in New England. Freakin' cold. Certainly too cold to plant crops! "I wished I'd thought of that before leaving in September on a 2-month tour," thought Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford, regretting once his decision to anchor the Mayflower off the shores of the new world in the dead of winter. "...and honkey please, I'm freezing my butt off in these knickers!," Bradford complained. [more]

Now don't forget the dessert!

Life of Pumpkin Pie I have this movie idea ... Picture a large Pumpkin pie stranded and adrift on a lifeboat with Detroit Tiger, Prince Fielder. One is a traditional holiday dessert with a blend of warm spices and the other is a very large and hungry Tiger, both on a very small boat.  Will the Tiger eat the pie? The suspense will slowly build throughout the movie, as time and time again the Tiger picks up the boat oar, swats and misses the huge, round and stationary pie. [more]

Enjoy your turkey feast. Combat climate change by ridding the planet of turkey methane. Just don't wander too close to the couch later...

Inflatable Turkeys (WBAGNFARB)

I am thankful I live in a world that includes inflatable turkeys.

Not enough time to make a real turkey for the holidays? Just blow up this inflatable turkey! Only don't try to carve it . . . A fun gag gift for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Made of Vinyl Comes Delfated in Illustrated Box Measures 16 inches long

At the time of this post, there were still 36 inflatable turkeys left this Thanksgiving Eve! What? You don't eat vinyl? Well, everything isn't always about you!

Won't you help this starving Family Pack of CPR Manikins this Thanksgiving?

The Prestan Family Pack of Medium Skin CPR manikins contains 2 Adults, 1 Child and 2 Infants, all with LED Rate Monitors.  Also included are 20 Adult Lung Bags, 10 Child Lung Bags, 20 Infant Lung Bags, an Instruction Sheet, and a nylon carrying case.

If you don't send me money immediately...
I see a vacant seat. in the poor chimney-corner, and a 'Manikin" child's lung bag without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future...

Your generous gift of $15 made payable to the Chattering Teeth Blog will supply one inflatable Turkey for a needy Family Pack of CPR Manikins. 

...you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Charles Manson Facebook Status Update

He gone.

At least now we don't have to worry about Manson using his 'talents' of persuasion in getting folks to murder for him. The same could be said of Hitler and Sanger.

From the Chattering Teeth Manson Archives:
Charles Manson Caught "Hexting" with Smuggled Cell Phone

The murderous cult leader was caught with an LG flip phone under his mattress, and it was determined that he had made numerous calls and sent text messages to people in California, New Jersey, Florida and British Columbia.

We all have our own unique talents and natural gifts. Some folks express themselves through their art, music, words, etc. Manson's talent is an uncanny ability to persuade folks to kill for him. The story doesn't state the purpose for Charlie's calls - but if I had to guess - Charlie's got a Smart Phone and now Janie's got a gun.

US Navy Pilot Draws Mitch McConnell In The Sky

U.S. Navy crew grounded after the first incident. The above should lead to a Court Martial!

Franken Varys

Chattering Teeth News - Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) has enlisted the help of a fictional eunuch politician from Westeros to give the mandatory anti-sexual harassment training to members of congress. Senator Al Franken immediately  groped and "forcibly kissed" the eunuch trainer upon his arrival without his consent.

Fans of the George R.R. Martin books or the hit HBO series Game Of Thrones will immediately recognize the trainer as none other than Lord Varys, a/k/a 'The Spider', a/k/a 'The Master of Whisperers on the King's Small Council.'  The world of GOT is filled with perversion, pedophiles and criminal misogynists making it a perfect reflection of congress.

As Varys has explained this, he was traveling  with a "a troupe of actors" when he was forcibly castrated 'root and stem' by a sorcerer. What better solution to the sexual harassment problem than the forcible castration of most our congressmen? I say most, because I assume there are still a couple gentlemen left in these chambers.

Then there is Paul Ryan, which castration is not necessary as he has already lost his balls to McConnell a long time ago.

I agree with Mark Levin in calling for Ryan and McConnell to resign. This problem in congress and the senate may not have started with them, but clearly it is under their watch that the sexual predatation is running rampant among our elected representatives.

THE END

Sean Hannity Gives Keurig Customer Service Just 24 Hours To Replace His Broken Coffee Maker

Chattering Teeth News - "For me, Keurig has 24 hours to replace my coffee machine," said the Fox News fake conservative, fake Catholic and Trump sycophant, Sean Hannity. The  allegations that I broke this coffee maker myself are absolutely false.

THRILLA IN MANILA II

Duterte & Trump Knife Fight in Philippines

Chattering Teeth News - President Trump is in the Philippines today on the last leg of his 'Kickin' ASSia & Takin' Names' Tour. It is being reported that Trump and his Filipino presidential counter-part, Rodrigo Duterte, are becoming fast friends.

It was just a few days ago that Duterte stated he had stabbed someone to death during a rumble when he was just 16 years old. For this reason, Trump called on HUD Secretary Ben Carson to give him a few pointers in case a friendly knife-fighting contest broke out.

One of the main reasons Trump selected the 'low-energy' and soft-spoken retired neurosurgeon from Detroit to be head of HUD was because he once used his Gifted Hands to stab a bully during a rumble when was 14 years old, and Trump figured he'd some day need Carson's sick knife skilz.

Sure enough, shortly before the gala dinner was to begin, Duterte snapped his fingers and Ninja-like servants suddenly appeared. They proceeded to tie Trump and Duterte's off left wrists together, while crowds formed an impromptu circle and surrounded the knife-wielding contestants. Ben Carson began singing Michael Jackson's 'Beat it" as the two circled each other warily.

Duterte appeared surprised at Trump's footwork as he ducked, parried and lept over every one of Rodrigo's akward slashes. Trump was employing a rope-a-dope strategy by playing defense and allowing Duterte to tire. The Philipino appeared to lose his discipline and began lunging, as Trump taunted him with blown kisses and calling him 'Little Rodrigo'.

At one point, Trump side-stepped his opponent's thrust like a practiced matador, feinting then pulling him into a grapple. Duterte struggled but was unable to free himself from Trump's choke hold. The Donald finally raised his right foot and planted it into Duterte's solar plexes, sending him flying across the gala hall.

Trump ended the contest with his only offensive move, and his steel blade struck Duterte's metal belt buckle and snapped, just as Carson had shown him. Duterte surrendered, and they repaired to the dining room where they raised a toast to each other's health and the continued destruction of the ISIS bastards.

THE END

P.S. - One of this rock-n-roller's guilty pleasures was listening to Michael Jackson songs. Yes, I did buy Thriller on a cassette tape and secretly listened and have never confessed this to my friends... until now.

Here is actual footage of Trump and Duterte's Thrilla in Manila II.

11 ANGRY MEN AND A SKINNY KENYAN

Obama reports for jury duty in Chicago and is dismissed

Former US President Barack Obama has turned up for jury duty at a Chicago courthouse, but was dismissed by the judge without being called on to serve...  There was no official explanation for his dismissal, but it is not uncommon for people called to perform jury service not to be assigned a case.

We don't really need an explanation, now do we? Since this crime took place in Chicago, odds are that it is regarding some horrific gangland-style shooting. I'm sure that during the process of "voir dire" and the prosecution's examination of the potential jurists, he would have immediately excused Obama with his first peremptory challenge due to his history of bias against law enforcement and flaunting of the rule of law.

But what if Obama HAD been seated on this jury?... As I was reading this linked article, I was well into the second sentence dealing with the adulating'crowds trying to get a glimpse of the 44th US president' when I noticed my eyelids beginning to droop. "Have I been hit with a tranquilizer dart again?," I mused... as I started going numb. I feeel... sooo... sleeeepy... Zzzzz.

WE INTERRUPT THIS NONSENSICAL BLOG POST TO BRING YOU THIS NEW MOVIE TRAILER FOR WHAT WILL BE THE BLOCK-BUSTER MOVIE EXTRAVAGANZA THIS SOLSTICE SEASON! 11 ANGRY MEN AND A SKINNY KENYAN...

PLOT - The defense and the prosecution have rested and the jury is filing into the jury room to decide if a young black man is guilty or innocent of murdering execution style a white police officer during a Black Lives Matter riot. What begins as an open-and-shut case of murder soon becomes a racist platform for one marxist, honky cop-hating jurist.

NARRATOR - WATCH THEM. AND PRAY, FOR SOMEDAY YOU MAY BECOME ONE OF THEM. 12 MEN WITH THE SMELL OF VIOLENT DEATH IN THEIR NOSTRILS.


Juror #8: I don’t know – not having been there and not seeing all the facts – what role race played in that, but I think it’s fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry; number two that he Chicago police acted stupidly in arresting somebody.
*sporadic nodding in agreement by the democrat jurorists*

Juror #4: WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS? YOU'RE LETTING THIS COP-KILLER SLIP THROUGH OUR FINGERS!

Juror #3: Does anyone else smell that skunky marijuana odor? Who's been doin' weed? Somebody's been choomin'...

NARRATOR - 12 MEN... TURNED INTO 11 CLAWING ANIMALS, AND ONE EFFEMINATE SISSY SLAPPING AMERICA-HATING PROGRESSIVE

Juror #8: (speaking to the defendant) If you like your freedom, you can keep your freedom.

DEFENDANT: (in orange prison jumpsuit and in handcuffs and chains) ALLUHU AKBAR!

*crowd gasps in shock at realization the accused is a moozlim terrorist...

Juror #8: Unless we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ... If I had a son, he'd look like this defendant.

NARRATOR - YOU'LL LAUGH! YOU'LL CRY!! YOU'LL DEMAND A REFUND!!! 11 ANGRY MEN AND A SKINNY KENYAN. COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU!

Neighbors complain about junk cars littering Rand Paul's unmowed & overgrown lawn

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - With President Trump visiting CHiiiNa (and 11-yr-old Frankie back in school), they can't help Rand Paul's lawn care situation anymore. And the neighbors are noticing.

Senator Paul says he will "Cut, cut, cut" just as soon as he is "healed, healed, healed."

All Democrats are Animals

When Planet Green at The Mother Nature Network lectures on democracy, you know you're in for a treat.
THIS JUST IN, 60% of cud-chewing standing Red Deer voted for Hillary!

Democracy takes flight
Queen bees and alpha chimps aren't voted into office, but that doesn't mean they're despots.
I hate to quibble, but we don't have to go back in history to come up with example after example of elected despotism. Turkey's Erdoğan, Russia's Putin, Iran's Khamenei, and our very own Obama are/were despots voted into office by the majority. Let's continue.

Scientists have begun to view many animal species as de facto democracies, where majority rule ensures survival more than tyranny can.
Again. this is only sentence 2, but "majority rule" and "tyranny" are not mutually exclusive. (see above). Proceed with caution.

Our own species' democratic tendencies date back at least to our prehuman ancestors.
Here we go. I csee making a compelling case that Pelosi, Schumer, and the rest of their ilk are products of their "prehuman ancestors". The rest of us are children of God. We aren't done with even the first paragraph. I suggest you gird your loinage area if proceeding.

"[S]hared decision-making is likely to be of great importance for the evolution of stable social organizations, explaining why it appears to be common in social animals," biologists Larissa Conradt and Timothy Roper wrote in a 2007 study, "Democracy in animals." Most species don't belabor politics like humans do, but our democratic roots can be seen across the animal kingdom — which, in many cases, is more like an animal republic.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG POST to bring you this urgent disclaimer by announcing that your blog host was unsuccessful in reading his own linked story in its entirety, and so therefore any opinions and conclusions cannot be relied upon or used as source material in any major college theses... Unless you want an 'A+'.

If you proceed to the next slide after the intro, you learned that "the red deer of Eurasia live in large herds, spending lots of time either grazing or lying down to ruminate."

In other words, they sound like your typical democrat voter base, laying around eating Cheetos while watching Oprah on TV.
Scientists have noticed that herds only move when 60 percent of the adults stand up. However, if only 48% of the red deer herd stands, the rest are called "hanging chads" and not allowed to play in any Red Deer games.

In fairness to the red deer, it's not a complete analogy, for they are producing something of value. If you watch them closely, you seem them manufacturing meat for human consumption. Therefore, they are not a complete drain on nature and I take back my original disparaging remarks.

That's all the time we have, folks. I have to go to work to produce meat for my family's table. We'll ruminate more tomorrow.

Trump and 11-yr-old Frankie helps Rand finish mowing his lawn after nut job democrat attack

Sen. Rand Paul attacked by neighbor while mowing lawn at his Kentucky home

Chattering Teeth News - Senator Rand Paul was blindsided and assaulted by his neighbor, a 59-yr-old retired Democrat doctor named Rene Boucher, while he was mowing his lawn. It is unknown at this time what set this dude off, or if having a girl's first name contributed to his rage, but it has been reported that the two have had an ongoing feud.

Obviously, the guy has a few screws loose.

I could hypothetically understand administering a blind flying tackle to knock my neighbor off of his tractor mower if he happened to be mowing his lawn before noon on a weekend - but reports state this attack happened around 3:20pm. 

Maybe the guy was upset with Sen. Paul because he would only mow his own yard and not his neighbor's - You know how democrats insist on taking the goods and services of hard working Americans for themselves.

It has not been reported anywhere, so it is not clear if this doc Butcher screamed the popular Antifa chant of 
"NO USA AT ALL"
...as he launched himself  on the diminutive constitutional conservative.

Trump offered Rand the use of the 11-yr-old 6TH-grade Virginian boy named Frank, the official White House lawn mower. He also tweeted that Rand Paul's nut job democrat neighbor and attacker should get the death penalty.

“President Trump, where is your leadership?” Chucky Schumer said.

CNN's Jake Tapper reports, "...sometimes the phrase 'NO USA AT ALL' is said under the most beautiful of circumstances."

THE END

Donna Brazile digs up and dances with Hillary's campaign corpse

Dancing With the Dead involves a bizarre tradition whereby families dig up the bodies of their dead relatives and then dance with the corpses in the streets, and shockingly this macabre practice may be spreading the black plague in Madagascar.

In other news, Donna Brazile admits the DNC rigged the nomination for Hillary Clinton.

Well that escalated quickly.

OBAMA BANS SELFIES

PICTURED: Obama Bans Selfies at The Obama Foundation Summit - and then starts throwing islamic finger salutes and Chicago gang signs.

ACTUAL fake AUDIO of Obama re-enacting people coming up to him and wanting to get his photograph...

Tiny House Halloween

Urban teenager regrets his decision to spend his last time trick-or-treating on Halloween by getting dropped off at the tiny houses village community on the outskirts of town. The good news is that he and his friends were able to break their old record of number of houses visited to maximize their Halloween take. The bad news is they only scored pillow cases full of dried chickpeas, soy nuts, freeze-dried Kale, and probiotic yogurt pops.

GIMMEE SOME CANDY!

Green Tea Kit Kat Bar [here] - One of the more popular flavors in Japan.
*Appears this was made in Chernobyl. Kids, I recommend letting it steep for 7 full minutes.

Swedish Fish Minis, Soft & Chewy Gummy Candy [here] - They taste like fruit, not like fish. Get some now and share them with friends.
*But ARE they fish? Nothing says "candy" like a good 'ol carp chew.

Bigfoot Ballz Sour Candy - Mystery Flavor Balls [here] -Mystery-licious Flavor - 100% Mysterious like Bigfoot! …Relax …nothing weird. Seriously, they’re fruity & delicious.
*Finally!

Larvets Worm Snax - [here] "Don't want to hand out candy? For the most brave among your students, try Larvets. These edible, farm-raised larva are Bar-B-Que, Cheddar Cheese, or Mexican Spice flavored. With only nine calories per serving, these genuine farm-raised edible insects will be a real hit. An unforgettable way to begin a food science or health unit. These dried, delicious treats are great fun. Some of our students describe the taste and crunch as similar to popcorn."

*Bug Zappitty Delicious! The bucket o' worms are in a bowl on the porch, kids. Just one handful! Don't be greedy!