LOS ANGELES – An Oregon man who was fatally shot as he wielded samurai swords and tried to attack guests at a landmark Scientology building had been involved in "prior incidents" with the church, police said Monday.
(NOT Mr. Katie Holmes), 48, was shot once by a security guard as he tried to use the swords to attack guests at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood on Sunday, Detective Wendi Berndt said.
In other news,Astronauts finish spacewalk lube job, somehow managing to avoid fellow astronaut, Heide Stefanyshyn-Piper's makeup kit. Can you imagine getting whacked in the space helmet by a stick of rouge traveling 17,500 miles per hour? She may never live that down, but I sincerely hope she succeeds in all her future ENDEAVOURS. ewwww. Heidi just sits inside now watching her favorite soap, As The World Turns. Yikes! And what's with the fixation on the urine processor anyway? I keep picturing Pauly Shore in that mega blockbuster Bio-Dome. Ugh! Give me the cold vacuum of space instead.
Celebrate this Thanksgiving the way God intended, not with a sad and unpalatable Tofurky, but with a golden brown, hot and steaming Butterball baby! Complete with all the trimmings. Pass me one of them drumsticks. You can leave the tofu for the communists!
"Mommy? Where does food come from?"
This Christmas, why not give your future little conservative child this educational P.E.T. Farm, from Chattering Teeth Toys. That's right! Palin's Executing Turkeys Farm (P.E.T.) will give your "wanted tissue mass" hours and hours of fun, as they stuff the little plastic turkey into the head grinder, run by an uncanny replica of the really creepy looking mustached dude from the famous YouTube video that drove the liberals crazy! Your child will have so much fun, they won't even realize they are learning.
Let me just pose this question to these 10 astronauts - Did any of you fly commercial to this birthday party today? (silence).
Let the record show there were no hands raised.
The economy back home on earth is in the tank (I personally am waiting for the DOW to fall below 5K before I turn my 401K leftovers into gold so that I can lock in my losses) and that Ahckmadeenadude in Iran is pushing the world to the nuclear brink. Yet, there you ten asronauts are, circling the globe in your extravagant 300+ Ton multi-billion dollar metal mansion on my dime!
The space station has taken longer for NASA and its international partners to build, cost more money and produced less science than originally envisioned. But that hasn't spoiled the celebrations going on all over the world — and off.
I believe they started their celebrations up there a little early, with the story the other day of the spacewalker that dropped her tool bag while caulking a joint (ryhmes with "smoking a joint, don'tit?). Allegedly, Astronauts Heidi and Stevo were "greasing a rotary joint on the station’s giant starboard solar array system" when a tether came loose.
I think Heidi and Steve were trying to become new members in the 220-mile-high club.
Think about that for a sec., somewhere hundreds of miles above your head, there is a hammer, a screwdriver, and caulk gun racing at 17,500 miles per hour in astronaut Heide's Gucci bag. It is estimated that it will cost NASA (taxpayers) $42 billion dollars to track this additional piece of space junk. (the previous sentence was a complete fabrication on my part, but watch it stick now. You know you'll quote it to somebody later).
But nevermind all that pessimism stuff. It's your birthday! God love ya, what am I talking about? Let's all stand up for the Space Station. Raise your glasses full of the crew's recycled purified urine (can you ferment that stuff?) and toast "the world's most elaborate and expensive housing project". Someone pass me the pouch of freeze-dried shrimp cocktail. They might as well party. There is nothing else to do until someone flies them another caulk gun.
This headline makes me happy... Warm and fuzzy... giddy as a drunken sailor. I love it when the left gets tweaked. Their pain is my gain. Is that wrong? I mean, "their pain is my gain" encapsulates Obama's "spreading of the wealth" economic plans.
(pause)
Nah! I like this...
"Last-minute Bush abortion ruling causes furor"
A last-minute Bush administration plan to grant sweeping new protections to health care providers who oppose abortion and other procedures on religious or moral grounds has provoked a torrent of objections, including a strenuous protest from the government agency that enforces job-discrimination laws.
The proposed rule would prohibit recipients of federal money from discriminating against doctors, nurses and other health care workers who refuse to perform or to assist in the performance of abortions or sterilization procedures because of their "religious beliefs or moral convictions."
Well, well, well! President Bush sticks it to the pro-death crowd and proves that this "lame duck" still quacks.
Libs over at the daily (wac)kos are crying foul and say this Bush move is comparable to when "the bell has sounded and the losing fighter takes an obvious cheap shot against his opponent."
OK, I'll stick with that analogy for a sec... "I MUST BREAK YOU!" (another quote from the veritable genius, Ivan Drago)
Barack Obama has promised "The first thing I'd do as President is sign the Freedom Of Choice Act." "YEAH!," scream The One's knowledgeable and scholarly supporters, who have no idea what THAT even is.
SIDETRACK ALERT: Obama could say anything, and his supporters would cheer wildly in their cluelessness. I picture an old Steve Martin bit mistakenly loaded onto Obama's teleprompter during the campaign, causing him to say "I'd like a shoe with cheese on it, force it down my throat, and I want to massage your grandmother." The next day, his poll numbers skyrocket.
The so-called "Freedom of Choice Act" would strike down individual states ability to put limits on abortions. Per LifeNews.com, it is "An old and dangerous bill that will increase abortions by an enormous amount... 36 states have parental involvement laws, 26 states have informed consent laws, and 34 states have funding restrictions."
BLOG FADES TO BLACK.
BLOG FADES IN...
SCENE: Rocky Balboa, in his red, white and blue trunks, pauses to kneel and pray before the fight.
I caught the Hannity and Colmes interview with John Ziegler segment between periods of the Red Wings hockey game last night. I am trying to wean myself back into the news of government and politics, but I'm still not completely over the post-election depression thing. Regular reader(s?) of Chattering Teeth are aware that I went on an "all Obama, all the time" anti-flatulance blog streak leading up to the election. It's been mostly a flatulating blog ever since. And it will continue to be. That's my promise to you (youse?)! Just the occasional deviation... like today's blog entry:
"The term perpetual motion, taken literally, refers to movement that goes on forever."
Liberalism has insured that there are way more of these "educated idiots" than intelligent and knowledgeable "Chatteringteeth type" readers. They will blindly and emotionally continue to overwhelm actual thought at the polls.
A WOMAN who met her husband on the internet has divorced him for "cheating" on her in virtual reality... The couple were both fans of Second Life - a game in which players create a new identity for themselves in a computer-generated world. Using 3D animated characters, known as avatars, users can move around and interact with others.
The couple were so devoted to the game that when they married at a registry office in July 2005, they marked the occasion by holding a virtual wedding in Second Life.
But, although the internet brought them together, it eventually tore them apart.
One day, Ms Taylor, 28, found Mr Pollard at the computer watching his avatar having sex with a prostitute in Second Life... The next day, Ms Taylor went straight to a solicitor to file for divorce from her 40-year-old husband of three years on the grounds of his "unreasonable behaviour".
I guess they'll be sending back the virtual crock pot I bought them as a wedding gift. I guess Ms. Taylor doesn't like playing second fiddle to a cartoon. Speaking of "fiddle", the adjacent picture is NOT a picture of David Pollard (who is right handed), but that of a fiddler crab named "Bobbit". FUN FACT: Male fiddler crabs can regenerate this appendage, if they lose it, say, in a fight with their spouse.
in a Bantam AA youth hockey game It was a 5 hour roundtrip from Flint, Michigan to Findlay, Ohio for my 14-year-old's hockey game. A game that lasted maybe an hour and a quarter. I remember thinking the road trip would be good "father and son" time. We didn't get out of the driveway before my boy had his seat back, headphones on, with his portable DVD player spinning out the first disc of the 5-disc Futurama box set.
Thankfully, Findlay is the farthest "away game" destination on the travel schedule. A little farther and I would have been making flight arrangements. Yes I know it sounds like I'm whining, and I am aware that some folks commute longer distances to work every day. Truth is, I love this youth hockey stuff! This is the boy's last year in travel before high school. This will all be over WAY TOO SOON. It's like everything else (and everyBODY) in life that you treasure. It is fleeting. Nothing is forever. Enjoy the here and now.
Yesterday's results you ask? Flint beat Findlay 12-2, improving their record to 4-2 for this young season. That is the way it should be. A Michigan team putting a butt-whooping to an Ohio team. Sets things back in balance in the universe.
There is another game today against Muskegon, and a game tomorrow against Troy, both home games. There is nothing DaBlade enjoys more than spending his free time in a frigid hockey rink. Talk about chattering teeth!
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's announced changes to the $700 financial bailout plan -- to focus on shoring up financial institutions that offer consumer credit rather than purchasing troubled assets...
"Paulson today said he changed his mind."
Hey, I'm entitled! You think my FIRST choice was to buy toxic mortgage assets? $700 Billion and some change can make for some questionable decision making. After the first few nights of hookers and booze, I started to think a little more clearly.
"You need to be able to change strategies as the facts change."
Facts change? Well one remains constant. This bailout business was a great idea. What could possibly go wrong, now that whole cities are jumping in the soup line with their hand out? It is high time that we moved on from the economic model of capitalism, a model that has provided unbridled freedom and prosperity across the globe wherever it's been tried. What is a few hundred plus years of success when measured against some very tough months. It's time to chuck the whole system! Sure, government ownership hasn't worked anywhere yet, but we will try harder. If there is a total economic collapse as many predict, at least we can say we had good intentions.
Artists in Denmark have teamed up with US scientists to create a walking house built on six hydraulic legs. They say it would make the ultimate home for beating floods or neighbours from hell, reports the Daily Telegraph.
A walking house? Is this really a good idea? I don't think so, especially in DENMARK, which just happens to be number eight on CNBC's list of Top 20 Beer Drinking Coutries. According to academic studies, Danish people have been ranked as the happiest people in the world. Carlsberg and Tuborg (89.9 liters per person) are two of (reasons why).
Hey fellas, I wouldn't leave the keys to the house with the misses if you plan on staying late at the pub. And you thought it was bad enough when you stumbled home and had to negotiate through a darkened house, hitting your shins on end tables because she had moved the furniture around on you again.
Back to the story:
The 10ft high home is solar and wind powered and can stroll at walking pace across all terrains. It has a living room, kitchen, toilet, bed, wood stove and mainframe computer which controls the legs.
This sounds like the ultimate bachelor pad! I would have mine revamped and retooled to run on good old fashioned fossil fuels. Best to be prepared for the windless and cloudy days. I can also imagine the rise of a new sport: house drag racing.
Of course, the "mainframe computer" controls would constantly have me worrying that a hacker would remotely steal my home.
"This house is not just for travellers but also for anyone interested in a more general way of nomadic living," he said.
Oh great! Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski roaming the coutryside in an Empirial Walker. That's all we need!
Designers say it provides a solution to the problem of rising water levels as the house can simply walk away from floods.
Per Discover Magazine, A "pretend earthquake drill" planned for tomorrow:
On Thursday, November 13, the Caltech community, along with millions of other Southern Californians in homes, schools, businesses, government offices, and public places, will participate in the Great Southern California ShakeOut Earthquake Drill. At 10 a.m., everyone is encouraged to drop, cover, and hold on for 120 seconds in simulation of a magnitude 7.8 earthquake on the southern San Andreas Fault. Throughout the day, Caltech will conduct emergency preparedness drills on campus.
I think disaster preparedness makes sense. That's why I think we should coordinate this earthquake drill with an Obama Presidency disaster drill. At 10A.M. tomorrow, everyone should pull their pockets from their pants and leave them hanging empty and inside-out for all to see. Hoover flags will officially be renamed "Obama flags".
Then "Stop, drop, and drool." Hey, we might as well be ready for what's coming.
I love a good "animal saves the day" story. They are heartwarming and make you feel good, especially in these times of tumult, chaos, and confusion. So sit back and enjoy today's blog feature - "The Willie the Parrot story" From CBS4 in Denver, Babysitter: Parrot Saved Girl's Life With Warning
DENVER (CBS4) ― A babysitter's parrot is being credited with helping save the life of a 2-year-old girl who was choking Friday at a Denver area home while the sitter was in the bathroom. "...Willie (the parrot) started screaming like I'd never heard him scream before and he started flapping his wings," said Meagan, the babysitter. "Then he started saying 'mama baby' over and over and over again until I came out and looked at Hannah and Hannah's face was turning blue because she was choking on her pop tart."
If this story is ever turned into a major motion picture, I see Christina Applegate in the starring role in this babysitter sequel: "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Taking a Dump!"
According to the testimony from the babysitter so far, she is in the bathroom stinking up the joint, when in flies the parrot, violently flapping it's wings. Had the babysitter been a dude, he would have mistakenly thought Old Willie was just busting his chops over the smell and would not have been alerted to any problem. Thankfully, this was not the case.
BACK TO THE STORY:
"If (Willie) wouldn't have warned me, I probably wouldn't have come out of the bathroom in time because she was already turning blue, her lips were blue and everything," Meagan said.
BACK TO THE STORY: Willie (the parrot) then astounded the babysitter even further by performing a flawless Heimlich maneuver on Hannah by wrapping his clipped wings around her and giving her a few abdominal thrusts until the pop tart was launched from her mouth. Willie performed three airborne somersaults and caught the pop tart in his beak in midair!
The recent election of Barack Obama is apparently influencing new baby names:
Hollywood, Fla. — Barack Obama may have a “funny name,” as he once said — but it might just catch on among the nation’s newborns.
A Florida couple became among the country’s first to bestow it on their child, even before most news outlets had declared the Illinois senator the president-elect.
Sanjae Obama Fisher was born at 8 p.m. at Hollywood’s Memorial Regional Hospital to Patrick and Sasha Hall Fisher.
And in the spirit of following the example of their Messiah-Elect, "Barack '?' Obama", they are insisting to family members not to EVER mention Sanjae's middle name.
There have been other presidential naming trends in the past century, according to Social Security Administration data. Franklin jumped to No. 33 in 1933, up from No. 147 in 1931. Dwight surged in the 1950s and Lyndon in the 1960s. Theodore hit its peak in the first decade of the 20th century.
"Honoring new presidents with baby namesakes used to be an American tradition," said Laura Wattenberg, author of "The Baby Name Wizard."
Unlike years past though, it may take awhile for this trend to gather steam (what with Obama's "pro-infanticide" tendencies). Babies actually making it out alive to see their first birthday will become rarer and rarer. But occasionally, just like a few salmon are successfull in sneaking past the anglers and the bears feeding in the stream, some babies will actually still be born. These lucky few will need names.
The most popular baby names from the previous two Democrat presidents of "Lewinsky", "Impeachment", and "Malaise" will certainly be replaced now with The One's election. I predict it won't be long before these names start to appear:
Taxandspender Jones
Marxist Smith, but people call him "Marxie".
Infanticide Johnson, "Infanty" for short.
Spreadthewealthius Bartholomew II.
ACORN Fraud Brown.
Other popular first names:SenatorGovernment, PresidentGovernment, Arrogant, Elitist, Lier, Billofgoods, Disillusioned, Misery, Nowwe'vedoneit, Destitute, Surrender, Retreat, Inflationary, Unemployed, impecunious, penurious, and Tohellinahandbasket.
It has been just three days since Obama was elected president, and hurricane Paloma is turning north away from the U.S. Coincidence? Maybe the right-wing media would have you believe so! By pure force of will, President-Messiah-Elect Barack Obama is turning this hurricane away from our nation's shores.
If Obama had only been the Messiah-Elect when Katrina came barreling down on New Orleans! *sigh* But no, it was the evil President Bush, and we all know that Bush created and steered that storm, not just into the gulf and towards Louisianna, but directly into the Lower 9th Ward of New Orleans. Hmmm. Wonder why Mister Bush!
PALOMA IS MOVING TOWARD THE NORTH NEAR 9 MPH...15 KM/HR...AND THIS MOTION IS EXPECTED TO CONTINUE TODAY. A GRADUAL TURN TOWARD THE NORTHEAST IS EXPECTED TONIGHT AND SATURDAY. ON THE FORECAST TRACK...THE CENTER OF PALOMA WILL PASS NEAR THE CAYMAN ISLANDS LATE FRIDAY OR EARLY SATURDAY.
Uhhh, "Hello?" Absolutely no mention of Obama as The One behind our good fortune. Sure, Rush Limbaugh and his ilk were quick to point out Obama's connections to the Weather Underground when they thought it might hurt Obama during the campaign, but nowhere on Fox News or talk radio can I find Obama receiving credit for his underground weather connections that he must have used in turning this Bush/Cheney monster storm away.
I see the light now: My blogging until now has been very critical of Mister President-Messiah-Elect Obama. I must have been confused, and I am very embarrassed that I ever doubted Obama's powers before. I used to believe in silly notions like "cause and effect". When the housing bubble popped and the subprime mortgage crisis led to the current meltdown, I looked for root causes. All I blindly saw was Barney Frank and his Democrat comrades running Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, forcing the uncontrolled propagation of high-risk loans onto banks like a giant house of cards. Loans supposedly to "help the poor" by allowing them into homes they couldn't afford. What I conveniently ignored at the time was that PRESIDENT BUSH was in the White House.
My ignorant "cause and effect" beliefs seem so juvenile looking back now. Consider that I used to think a lunar eclipse had something to do with the Earth blocking the sun's rays on the moon. Now I understand that an eclipse is caused by a large dragon swallowing the moon. The next time I see this, I will join the believers in beating our drums and producing great noise to frighten the dragon away. Of course, we don't have to worry about any dragons now that we have Messiah-Elect Barack Obama!
JOIN THE MOVEMENT! Watch this video if you still need inspiration.
And to think that I was almost at the point of joining that unfortunate non-believer on the video above (from 3:07 to 3:15).
"Today, weareall Americans!" Even those Europeans that used to hate us, why, they're Americans too! Barack Obama will unite ALL of us once and for all.
All 63 million of us!
Some of the other 56 million political homeless in this country are not exactly feeling this unity, as the "IMPEACH OBAMA" group is growing exponentially.
"Sore losers! Should these people give our new President-elect the same courtesy and respect that was shown to President Bush these last 8 years?"
WTF! I just found out that the globe has ALREADY been circumnavigated! WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW? Check it out on Google map if you don't believe me. Apparently, every land mass has been accounted for. What the heck am I supposed to do with the boat that I painstakingly hand-carved from the old Willow that used to weep in my back yard? You mean to tell me that I stayed up all night whittling for nothing?
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This video is not really actual footage of me whittling my boat last night, but rest assured, it is an uncanny representation. I'm not sure what this guy is whittling, nor why his wife is filming him doing this, but I think we can all agree in a bipartisan way that it is fascinating. And frankly, when it comes right down to it, why else would you come to this blog except for random crap like this?
Anywho... what were we discussing? Oh yeah, I remember. The island thing. So I have this shiny new boat, but no place to row to. Even this frozen wasteland I found on the map called "Canada" is already populated, at least according to wiki. I guess I have to give up the dream of finding a tiny uninhabited island, complete with sandy beaches, gentle tropic breezes, palm trees, coconuts, a bamboo hut, and a volleyball to keep me company. *sigh*
THEN THE IDEA STRUCK ME! If it doesn't exist now, why not build one? I could be what they used to call one of those "entra-punewers" they used to have a lot of around these parts until they became extinct around 2009. So I lit up a marijuana stick (hey, they've been legal now for almost as long as tobacco has been illegal - at least here in Michigan, and it all started with something called "proposal 1"). OK, back to my story. So I'm sitting at my computer, smoking a joint and munching on some freeze-dried fruit and human embryo trail mix from a bowl, when I stumbled upon a website called "How Islands Form".
I'm guessing that it is a super secret government website that was never meant for my eyes, but through luck or fate, I had somehow stumbled through the back door! And now I share it here with you!:
1. An island is any comparatively small body of land completely surrounded by water. 2. Islands can form in several ways, including rising water level, growth of coral, and volcanism. 3. Plant and animal species can travel to islands by air or water.
BINGO! Number two on this list was not meant for mine eyes, but that genie can't be forced back into it's bottle! So how should I make my island? The "rising water" thing sounds easy until you realize after about two thousand toilet flushes that it doesn't really seem to work. The "volcanism" idea sounds like the most fun, but I would have absolutely no idea where to look for Spock (Genesis?).
That leaves "growth of coral" by default. I hurriedly completed my research before the security breach was discovered and the site was removed. It appeared that I would need some sea organisms for my island building pursuit. Checking my pockets, I realized that I didn't have any sea organisms. To make matters worse, I discovered that a newly formed island is nothing but a pitiful barren and windswept thing.
Then I thought to myself, "barren and windswept?" Heck, all I have to do is wait around here for that! First things first though. Does anyone know where I can get a secondhand Volleyball cheap?
Pity. Hopes dashed. Rug pulled out from under me. *sigh*
