Shuttle cuddle scuttled

Chattering Teeth Space Station Exclusive!: From sources close to this reporter (yes, I'm talking about the voices inside my head again).

Apparently, the feel-good "Thanksgiving in space" story yesterday that reported the ten astronauts enjoying a warm and friendly meal of freeze-dried turkey together was an exageration. While factually true, they were not happy with Heidi's latest exploits. You may recall that astronaut Heide Stefanyshyn-Piper made headline news in mid-November when she lost a tool bag on a spacewalk repair mission.
NOTE: She claims it was an accident, but is it a coincidence that the tool bag (purse) just happened to clash with the Neoprene-coated Nylon layer of her space suit?

Well she evidently has done it again! NASA had planned on surprising the crew with a real roasted turkey meal for the occasion, but these plans were scuttled when Heidi took it upon herself to pardon the Shuttle bird. She was found by the open bay door with a glazed look on her face and drool on her chin, mumbling over and over, "fly turkey, fly!"



An astronaut wishing to remain anonymous stated, "Yep, we were really supposed to enjoy a meal of fresh roasted turkey with all the trimmings and washed down with a fine Chianti. Thanks to Heidi, all we got was a bag of dehydrated crap and a glass of our own piss."

The story has a happy ending though, as a needy family in Edmonton, Canada received this surprise fully cooked turkey dinner delivered right to their doorstep.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

...from all of us here at Chattering Teeth!

Dablade plans to spend a quiet day sharing a turkey with his new S&M Barbie. May you and your loved ones (or plastic facsimiles) share loads of happiness! and pumkin pie!

Of Pirates and Holiday Natives

I'm sure you've already rolled over this story from LaLa Land:
"Claremont parents clash over kindergarten Thanksgiving costumes"

For decades, Claremont kindergartners have celebrated Thanksgiving by dressing up as pilgrims and Native Americans and sharing a feast. But on Tuesday, when the youngsters meet for their turkey and songs, they won't be wearing their hand-made bonnets, headdresses and fringed vests.

You have to laugh. Don't get me wrong, DaBlade is very much unhappy that the libs will be in control unchecked, and I readily admit that it is easier to laugh at these yahoos when they are in the minority. But I can't help it... *giggle* Liberals say the darndest things! Hilarious!

One lefty mom had this to say:
"Dress(ing) up as pilgrims and Native Americans is demeaning... I'm sure you can appreciate the inappropriateness of asking children to dress up like slaves (and kind slave masters), or Jews (and friendly Nazis), or members of any other racial minority group who has struggled in our nation's history."

Pasadena Closet Conservative postules that "Perhaps someday the Libs will stop insisting that Thanksgiving is a racist tradition that supports negative stereotypes".

I believe I may have a compromise and a way to bring us together. How about the crumb crunchers and their parents being allowed to dress up as Pilgrims Somali Pirates and Indians "Holiday Natives"?

If "HOLIDAY" is good enough to replace Christmas, it should be good enough to replace the traditions of Thanksgiving. Happy Holiday! Holiday Tree. See the synergy?

Leatherheads 2, The Obama administration

Coming to a theatre near you: Leatherheads 2, The Obama administration

I love the title to this article. Obama using bully pulpit to tackle economy. Tackle the economy indeed. I have the mental image of a 90-pound weakling Obama in an oversized football helmet, running as fast as his skinny legs will carry him. He hits the tackling dummy (methaphor for economy stupid) full steam and bounces straight back onto his seat, helmet twisted so that he is looking at an ear hole.

Obama of Oz is pulling all kinds of "economic stimulus" levers behind the curtain in an attempt to "soften the economy's fall" with another promised trillion here and there, but the best part is that he does this under cover of fault or blame during the transition period. Not that blame would ever come from his NY and Washington media partners, or that they would allow outside criticism to stick.

"Obama has said repeatedly there can be only one president at a time, and has kept a relatively low public profile... That changed at his news conference Monday, when the president-elect pressed for passage of a multibillion-dollar stimulus plan aimed at creating jobs, easing the home foreclosure crisis and rescuing the struggling auto industry.

The article quotes some insignificant "historian" who hinted that the recent stock market plunge made it necessary for The One to jump into the nearest phonebooth to don his cape, ala Superman, and come out to save the day. "Had he not gotten involved, the potential for really disastrous shifts in the economy were all there," (insignificant historian dude) said.


The Messiah-Elect makes us this promise: "It's going to be costly".

There. Don't you feel better now? Who cares what it costs, Obama is going to pay for my gas and mortgage. All he has to do is tax the rich to pay for all of these handouts.

WHAT!? Obamasan is talking renege on this?

HOW CAN THIS BE? All campaign season, he talked "hope and change" and sticking it to the rich. He hasn't even taken the oath on the (insert holy book of his choice here) yet, and he is backtracking on this promise?

With all the bad news we get every day, at least we could take comfort and solace in the fact the Obama would let the Bush tax cuts expire (read- TAX INCREASE) causing those above us on the economic ladder to slip and fall. Their misery would be our comfort. That's why 53% of us yahoos voted for this clown, am I right again?

He was winking when he said this, right? I mean, if he lied to us about punishing the rich, did he really mean it when he promised to retreat and surrender the war on terrorism immediately? What about closing Gitmo? We are banking on him following through on this pledge and allowing these misunderstood religious youths their freedom to take up arms against us again. What about his garauntee to immediately sign the FOC Act so that we could count on the continued and increased slaughter of our unborn?

His "jolts to the economy" will have the same effect as a crack ho's heroin injection (between the toes to hide the needle marks). God love ya, what am I talking about? Let's all stand up for Obama and his "economy tackling" (and crack hos).

Rocket surgery redux

Man killed at Scientology building had church ties
Pity. Hopes dashed. Rug pulled out from under me. *sigh*

LOS ANGELES – An Oregon man who was fatally shot as he wielded samurai swords and tried to attack guests at a landmark Scientology building had been involved in "prior incidents" with the church, police said Monday.

(NOT Mr. Katie Holmes), 48, was shot once by a security guard as he tried to use the swords to attack guests at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood on Sunday, Detective Wendi Berndt said.

In other news, Astronauts finish spacewalk lube job, somehow managing to avoid fellow astronaut, Heide Stefanyshyn-Piper's makeup kit. Can you imagine getting whacked in the space helmet by a stick of rouge traveling 17,500 miles per hour? She may never live that down, but I sincerely hope she succeeds in all her future ENDEAVOURS. ewwww. Heidi just sits inside now watching her favorite soap, As The World Turns. Yikes! And what's with the fixation on the urine processor anyway? I keep picturing Pauly Shore in that mega blockbuster Bio-Dome. Ugh! Give me the cold vacuum of space instead.

Palin's Executing Turkeys Farm Toy Set

Celebrate this Thanksgiving the way God intended, not with a sad and unpalatable Tofurky, but with a golden brown, hot and steaming Butterball baby! Complete with all the trimmings. Pass me one of them drumsticks. You can leave the tofu for the communists!

"Mommy? Where does food come from?"


This Christmas, why not give your future little conservative child this educational P.E.T. Farm, from Chattering Teeth Toys. That's right! Palin's Executing Turkeys Farm (P.E.T.) will give your "wanted tissue mass" hours and hours of fun, as they stuff the little plastic turkey into the head grinder, run by an uncanny replica of the really creepy looking mustached dude from the famous YouTube video that drove the liberals crazy! Your child will have so much fun, they won't even realize they are learning.

No junior, turkeys do not commit suicide and donate their carcasses to family dining tables around the world. They are raised on a farm and butchered for you and me to eat.

Sarah Palin hunting helicopter sold separately.

Hammer Time in space: ISS celebrates 10th birthday

Happy 10th birthday Space station!
"NASA couldn't have staged it any better: 10 people in orbit for Thursday's 10th anniversary..."

Let me just pose this question to these 10 astronauts - Did any of you fly commercial to this birthday party today? (silence).

Let the record show there were no hands raised.

The economy back home on earth is in the tank (I personally am waiting for the DOW to fall below 5K before I turn my 401K leftovers into gold so that I can lock in my losses) and that Ahckmadeenadude in Iran is pushing the world to the nuclear brink. Yet, there you ten asronauts are, circling the globe in your extravagant 300+ Ton multi-billion dollar metal mansion on my dime!

The space station has taken longer for NASA and its international partners to build, cost more money and produced less science than originally envisioned. But that hasn't spoiled the celebrations going on all over the world — and off.

I believe they started their celebrations up there a little early, with the story the other day of the spacewalker that dropped her tool bag while caulking a joint (ryhmes with "smoking a joint, don'tit?). Allegedly, Astronauts Heidi and Stevo were "greasing a rotary joint on the station’s giant starboard solar array system" when a tether came loose.

I think Heidi and Steve were trying to become new members in the 220-mile-high club.

Think about that for a sec., somewhere hundreds of miles above your head, there is a hammer, a screwdriver, and caulk gun racing at 17,500 miles per hour in astronaut Heide's Gucci bag. It is estimated that it will cost NASA (taxpayers) $42 billion dollars to track this additional piece of space junk. (the previous sentence was a complete fabrication on my part, but watch it stick now. You know you'll quote it to somebody later).

But nevermind all that pessimism stuff. It's your birthday! God love ya, what am I talking about? Let's all stand up for the Space Station. Raise your glasses full of the crew's recycled purified urine (can you ferment that stuff?) and toast "the world's most elaborate and expensive housing project". Someone pass me the pouch of freeze-dried shrimp cocktail. They might as well party. There is nothing else to do until someone flies them another caulk gun.

Bush abortion ruling: this "lame duck" still quacks!

This headline makes me happy... Warm and fuzzy... giddy as a drunken sailor. I love it when the left gets tweaked. Their pain is my gain. Is that wrong? I mean, "their pain is my gain" encapsulates Obama's "spreading of the wealth" economic plans.

(pause)

Nah! I like this...


"Last-minute Bush abortion ruling causes furor"

A last-minute Bush administration plan to grant sweeping new protections to health care providers who oppose abortion and other procedures on religious or moral grounds has provoked a torrent of objections, including a strenuous protest from the government agency that enforces job-discrimination laws.

The proposed rule would prohibit recipients of federal money from discriminating against doctors, nurses and other health care workers who refuse to perform or to assist in the performance of abortions or sterilization procedures because of their "religious beliefs or moral convictions."

Well, well, well! President Bush sticks it to the pro-death crowd and proves that this "lame duck" still quacks.

Libs over at the daily (wac)kos are crying foul and say this Bush move is comparable to when "the bell has sounded and the losing fighter takes an obvious cheap shot against his opponent."

OK, I'll stick with that analogy for a sec... "I MUST BREAK YOU!" (another quote from the veritable genius, Ivan Drago)

Barack Obama has promised "The first thing I'd do as President is sign the Freedom Of Choice Act." "YEAH!," scream The One's knowledgeable and scholarly supporters, who have no idea what THAT even is.

SIDETRACK ALERT: Obama could say anything, and his supporters would cheer wildly in their cluelessness. I picture an old Steve Martin bit mistakenly loaded onto Obama's teleprompter during the campaign, causing him to say "I'd like a shoe with cheese on it, force it down my throat, and I want to massage your grandmother." The next day, his poll numbers skyrocket.

The so-called "Freedom of Choice Act" would strike down individual states ability to put limits on abortions. Per LifeNews.com, it is "An old and dangerous bill that will increase abortions by an enormous amount... 36 states have parental involvement laws, 26 states have informed consent laws, and 34 states have funding restrictions."

BLOG FADES TO BLACK.

BLOG FADES IN...

SCENE: Rocky Balboa, in his red, white and blue trunks, pauses to kneel and pray before the fight.

How Obama Got Elected: Media malpractice

I caught the Hannity and Colmes interview with John Ziegler segment between periods of the Red Wings hockey game last night. I am trying to wean myself back into the news of government and politics, but I'm still not completely over the post-election depression thing. Regular reader(s?) of Chattering Teeth are aware that I went on an "all Obama, all the time" anti-flatulance blog streak leading up to the election. It's been mostly a flatulating blog ever since. And it will continue to be. That's my promise to you (youse?)! Just the occasional deviation... like today's blog entry:


http://www.howobamagotelected.com/
Media Malpractice:


Are you serious? Shut up!

INTERVIEWER: "Where do you get most of your information?"

RESPONSES:
"NPR"
"PBS"
"CNN"
"Bill Maher is a great one"
"New York Times"
"BBC"
"MSNBC is pretty cool"
"John Stewart"
"Colbert Report"

The mythical perpetual motion machine has finally been discovered!

"The term perpetual motion, taken literally, refers to movement that goes on forever."

Liberalism has insured that there are way more of these "educated idiots" than intelligent and knowledgeable "Chatteringteeth type" readers. They will blindly and emotionally continue to overwhelm actual thought at the polls.

Idiocracy indeed!

Virtual reality divorce

If you're like David Pollard, you like to spend the weekends in your copper longjohns, in full Second Life goggle mode.

Second Life affair leads to divorce

A WOMAN who met her husband on the internet has divorced him for "cheating" on her in virtual reality... The couple were both fans of Second Life - a game in which players create a new identity for themselves in a computer-generated world. Using 3D animated characters, known as avatars, users can move around and interact with others.

The couple were so devoted to the game that when they married at a registry office in July 2005, they marked the occasion by holding a virtual wedding in Second Life.

But, although the internet brought them together, it eventually tore them apart.

One day, Ms Taylor, 28, found Mr Pollard at the computer watching his avatar having sex with a prostitute in Second Life... The next day, Ms Taylor went straight to a solicitor to file for divorce from her 40-year-old husband of three years on the grounds of his "unreasonable behaviour".

I guess they'll be sending back the virtual crock pot I bought them as a wedding gift. I guess Ms. Taylor doesn't like playing second fiddle to a cartoon. Speaking of "fiddle", the adjacent picture is NOT a picture of David Pollard (who is right handed), but that of a fiddler crab named "Bobbit". FUN FACT: Male fiddler crabs can regenerate this appendage, if they lose it, say, in a fight with their spouse.

MICHIGAN BEATS OHIO STATE! (really?)

in a Bantam AA youth hockey game
It was a 5 hour roundtrip from Flint, Michigan to Findlay, Ohio for my 14-year-old's hockey game. A game that lasted maybe an hour and a quarter. I remember thinking the road trip would be good "father and son" time. We didn't get out of the driveway before my boy had his seat back, headphones on, with his portable DVD player spinning out the first disc of the 5-disc Futurama box set.

Thankfully, Findlay is the farthest "away game" destination on the travel schedule. A little farther and I would have been making flight arrangements. Yes I know it sounds like I'm whining, and I am aware that some folks commute longer distances to work every day. Truth is, I love this youth hockey stuff! This is the boy's last year in travel before high school. This will all be over WAY TOO SOON. It's like everything else (and everyBODY) in life that you treasure. It is fleeting. Nothing is forever. Enjoy the here and now.

Yesterday's results you ask? Flint beat Findlay 12-2, improving their record to 4-2 for this young season. That is the way it should be. A Michigan team putting a butt-whooping to an Ohio team. Sets things back in balance in the universe.

There is another game today against Muskegon, and a game tomorrow against Troy, both home games. There is nothing DaBlade enjoys more than spending his free time in a frigid hockey rink. Talk about chattering teeth!

Lace 'em up boys!

Paulson splits pair of eights

"$700 Billion Switcheroo":

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's announced changes to the $700 financial bailout plan -- to focus on shoring up financial institutions that offer consumer credit rather than purchasing troubled assets...

"Paulson today said he changed his mind."

Hey, I'm entitled! You think my FIRST choice was to buy toxic mortgage assets? $700 Billion and some change can make for some questionable decision making. After the first few nights of hookers and booze, I started to think a little more clearly.

"You need to be able to change strategies as the facts change."

Facts change? Well one remains constant. This bailout business was a great idea. What could possibly go wrong, now that whole cities are jumping in the soup line with their hand out?

It is high time that we moved on from the economic model of capitalism, a model that has provided unbridled freedom and prosperity across the globe wherever it's been tried. What is a few hundred plus years of success when measured against some very tough months. It's time to chuck the whole system! Sure, government ownership hasn't worked anywhere yet, but we will try harder. If there is a total economic collapse as many predict, at least we can say we had good intentions.

How are YOU going to spend your bailout money?

Future choice: Beer or a mobile home?

Walking house:

Artists in Denmark have teamed up with US scientists to create a walking house built on six hydraulic legs. They say it would make the ultimate home for beating floods or neighbours from hell, reports the Daily Telegraph.

A walking house? Is this really a good idea? I don't think so, especially in DENMARK, which just happens to be number eight on CNBC's list of Top 20 Beer Drinking Coutries. According to academic studies, Danish people have been ranked as the happiest people in the world. Carlsberg and Tuborg (89.9 liters per person) are two of (reasons why).

Hey fellas, I wouldn't leave the keys to the house with the misses if you plan on staying late at the pub. And you thought it was bad enough when you stumbled home and had to negotiate through a darkened house, hitting your shins on end tables because she had moved the furniture around on you again.

Back to the story:

The 10ft high home is solar and wind powered and can stroll at walking pace across all terrains. It has a living room, kitchen, toilet, bed, wood stove and mainframe computer which controls the legs.

This sounds like the ultimate bachelor pad! I would have mine revamped and retooled to run on good old fashioned fossil fuels. Best to be prepared for the windless and cloudy days. I can also imagine the rise of a new sport: house drag racing.

Of course, the "mainframe computer" controls would constantly have me worrying that a hacker would remotely steal my home.

"This house is not just for travellers but also for anyone interested in a more general way of nomadic living," he said.

Oh great! Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski roaming the coutryside in an Empirial Walker. That's all we need!

Designers say it provides a solution to the problem of rising water levels as the house can simply walk away from floods.

What an ingenious concept! A home that is mobile! How could this idea have eluded the great thinkers throughout history until now? Ain't progress grand?

The prototype cost £30,000 to build, including materials and time, but the designers believe it could be constructed for a lot less.

I have no idea what the heck a "£" is, but I bet that 30,000 of them would buy a whole lot of Carlsberg.

Stop, drop, and drool

Per Discover Magazine, A "pretend earthquake drill" planned for tomorrow:

On Thursday, November 13, the Caltech community, along with millions of other Southern Californians in homes, schools, businesses, government offices, and public places, will participate in the Great Southern California ShakeOut Earthquake Drill. At 10 a.m., everyone is encouraged to drop, cover, and hold on for 120 seconds in simulation of a magnitude 7.8 earthquake on the southern San Andreas Fault. Throughout the day, Caltech will conduct emergency preparedness drills on campus.

I think disaster preparedness makes sense. That's why I think we should coordinate this earthquake drill with an Obama Presidency disaster drill. At 10A.M. tomorrow, everyone should pull their pockets from their pants and leave them hanging empty and inside-out for all to see. Hoover flags will officially be renamed "Obama flags".

Then "Stop, drop, and drool." Hey, we might as well be ready for what's coming.

Willie the Parrot to the rescue!

I love a good "animal saves the day" story. They are heartwarming and make you feel good, especially in these times of tumult, chaos, and confusion. So sit back and enjoy today's blog feature - "The Willie the Parrot story"
From CBS4 in Denver, Babysitter: Parrot Saved Girl's Life With Warning

DENVER (CBS4) ― A babysitter's parrot is being credited with helping save the life of a 2-year-old girl who was choking Friday at a Denver area home while the sitter was in the bathroom. "...Willie (the parrot) started screaming like I'd never heard him scream before and he started flapping his wings," said Meagan, the babysitter. "Then he started saying 'mama baby' over and over and over again until I came out and looked at Hannah and Hannah's face was turning blue because she was choking on her pop tart."

If this story is ever turned into a major motion picture, I see Christina Applegate in the starring role in this babysitter sequel: "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Taking a Dump!"

According to the testimony from the babysitter so far, she is in the bathroom stinking up the joint, when in flies the parrot, violently flapping it's wings. Had the babysitter been a dude, he would have mistakenly thought Old Willie was just busting his chops over the smell and would not have been alerted to any problem. Thankfully, this was not the case.

BACK TO THE STORY:

"If (Willie) wouldn't have warned me, I probably wouldn't have come out of the bathroom in time because she was already turning blue, her lips were blue and everything," Meagan said.

DISCLAIMER:
This blog in no way intends to mislead the readers into thinking that this particular link leads to an actual photo of Hannah choking on a blueberry pop tart. Just move on. Nothing to see here.

BACK TO THE STORY:
Willie (the parrot) then astounded the babysitter even further by performing a flawless Heimlich maneuver on Hannah by wrapping his clipped wings around her and giving her a few abdominal thrusts until the pop tart was launched from her mouth. Willie performed three airborne somersaults and caught the pop tart in his beak in midair!

'mama baby''mama baby''mama baby''mama baby''mama baby''mama baby' 'SQUAAAAWK!'

Sure I made that last part up, but if this is going to be a major motion picture blockbuster, I need to take some artistic license.

Willie didn't say much when CBS4 visited on Sunday. Meagan said he is usually pretty talkative.

I'm guessing that Willie the Parrot saw how Joe the Plumber was recently treated by the media and has wisely decided to keep his beak shut. Wise bird.