MERRY CHRISTMAS!

For 2,000+ years in a row...


Merry Christmas!

Endorsement Alert! Newt Gingrich's coat button

It stands the best chance of taking out Obama.

Radioactive Metal from Iran

This is not what I mean by "radioactive metal"...
Pictured: "Ayatollah Ali 'ZZ Top' Khamenei", supreme leader and lead guitarist - and Mockmood "straggle beard" Ahkmadeenadude, lead singer and president of the band The Hidden Imams.

I read a lot of fiction and have an overactive imagination, so when I read a news blurb about Russian customs agents at Moscow's main airport seizing an Iranian attempting to smuggle radioactive material disguised as pencils onto a flight to Tehran, my "Uh-oh geiger counter" starts to spin.

Highlight quotes from the article:

* It was not immediately clear if the substance could be any use to Iran's controversial nuclear program.

* The pieces contained Sodium-22, she said, a radioactive isotope of sodium that could be produced in a particle accelerator.

* Kelly Classic, a health physicist at the United States' renowned Mayo Clinic, said: "You can't make a nuclear bomb or dirty bomb with it."

* Another expert, Michael Unterweger, group leader for the radioactivity group at the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology, said it can be used as a calibration source for radiation instrumentation.

Unterweger said "it's really strange" that so much Sodium 22 was in the luggage, but if he were the Russian authorities "I wouldn't worry about it."

An Iranian caught trying to smuggle a suitcase full of radioactive materials DISGUISED as pencils into Tehran, and we should assume it's purpose is innocuous and not worry about it? I believe Mr. Unterweger will immediately draw Obama's interest for the newly created position of Iranian Apologist Czar. What a doofus!

Listen, I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I have no idea what Sodium-22 is, or what the Iranians were intending to use this for, but I will most certainly worry about it. I will, however, go out on an olive branch limb and assume this material is not bound for a really busy Iranian dentist in need of a warehouse full of calibration equipment. Give me a break!

Using my imagination and wild speculation, could this sodium-22 stuff be used for the purpose of throwing off nuclear forensics AFTER an explosion??

Nuclear forensics, the analysis of nuclear materials recovered from either the capture of unused materials, or from the radioactive debris following a nuclear explosion, can contribute significantly to the identification of the sources of the materials and the industrial processes
used to obtain them. In the case of an explosion, nuclear forensics can also reconstruct key features of the nuclear device.

In other words, instead of launching a nuclear weapon at Israel from their homeland and guaranteeing a devastating response, could Iran smuggle a nuclear truck bomb into Tel Aviv and somehow cover their "footprints" by using this Sodium stuff and maybe frame Russia as the plutonium source?

Instead of hand-wringing apologists assuming the best intentions of the terrorist Iranian regime and president Mockmood Ahkmadeenadude, we need to face the hard reality that they are building nuclear weapons and will use them on Israel AND US just as soon as they are ready. He has stated as much.

Obama's Christmas Booze (a Chattering Teeth song parody)

I am aware I may be committing a blogdemeanor by taking a shortcut and posting the following song parody. It's just that my wife really likes this song (and I don't) so when it comes on the car radio, I keep myself amused by singing my alternate lyrics in my head.

Sung to the tune of The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a wild-eyed man pacing anxiously
Mumblin' sounds like hobos do
And in his hands he held a bottle of booze.

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
When it came time to pay for his liquor
I couldn't believe what I heard him slur

[Chorus:]
Sir, I want to buy this booze, because of Obama, geeez!
It's Christmas Eve and this booze is just my size
Could you hurry, sir, cuz there's not much time
You see I've been unemployed for quite a while
And I know this booze will make me smile
And I want to get wasted in case Obama is on TV tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "DaBlade, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and his bloodshot eyes looked at me
He said Obama made Christmas suck at our house until the sheriff forced us out
"A job... a house... a retirement lose
Somehow I've got to buy me this Christmas booze"

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his stubbled face when he said
On Obama's TV face I will urinate

[Chorus:]
Sir, I want to buy this booze, because of Obama, geeez!
It's Christmas Eve and this booze is just my size
Could you hurry, sir, cuz there's not much time
You see I've been unemployed for quite a while
And I know this booze will make me smile
And I want to get wasted in case Obama is on TV tonight

[Bridge:]
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of democrat's "love"
As he thanked me and stumbled out
I knew that God had sent this unemployed
To remind me just what the coming election is all about

Fact check. I used a little artistic license here. While it's true that Mrs. DaBlade and I lost our house to foreclosure last year after we both were laid off, we vacated said domain many days before the sheriff knocked. We are doing fine now though, living in a house we traded in our 401k for. Ah well. What's a retirement anyway? Mrs. DaBlade is now gamefully employed, and I'm getting some work here and there while I look for something more permanent. Oh, and DaBlade certainly isn't drinking his troubles away as described by my caricature in the parody. While not a tea-totaler, I can't even remember the last time I had an adult beverage (not counting the Blood of Christ at Sunday mass). Finally, as for the TV, I'm blaming the dog.

Mitt Romney loses fortune in a series of ill-advised $10,000 wagers

FLASH FORWARD: ONE DAY IN 2013

ASSOCIATED PRESS - After losing the Republican presidential nomination for the 2012 election, Mitt Romney seemingly fell off the face of the Earth. He wasn't heard from until he was discovered panhandling this week on a back street in Massachusetts holding a cardboard sign with a hand-written advertisement that read:

"I HAVE A GOD GIVEN GIFT OF JOB CREATION IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR BUT HAVE FALLEN ON HARD TIMES. $10,000 WOULD BE APPRECIATED. GOD BLESS!!"



Romney, currently homeless, was reportedly worth about $200 million up until losing the 2012 nomination. He says he made 20,000 bad wagers in a row but felt his luck was changing.

Meanwhile, President Gingrich continues to restore America...

Mysterious object near Mercury identified!!

The Mysterious planet-sized object spotted near Mercury created a firestorm of speculation on the internet that it belonged to a cloaked alien spaceship. Engineers at Chattering Teeth have determined, however, that it is only Santa, so you can go back to sleep.



Kinda cool though, eh?

Play that funky music Romney!

In keeping with the Peanuts theme from my last post, and the Romney camp's demands to Chattering Teeth for equal time, we have this (Caution: very rough photoshop job and not nearly as nice as the faked obama birth certificate)



WOODSTOCK: "Free Bird!"

Speaking of Romney and music, you did hear that he has chosen Kid Rock's "Born Free" as his presidential campaign theme song, right? It's unknown if the Obama camp will choose Rock's "Devil without a Cause". I kinda like "American Bad Ass" for Gingrich.

It's A Charlie Brown Primary!

Shocking GOP endorsements!

Donald Trump has made his decision...

It's Aussie!



This may explain Donald Trump's hair

You certainly can't argue with algebraic topology.

And now for the Dan Quayle endorsement:
"I like Mitt Romneye. Or is it Roemnee?... Rhomnoe?"

freefromeditors: A geezer photo outside the soon-to-be former Flint Journal building

freefromeditors: A geezer photo outside the soon-to-be former Flint Journal building

FOR SALE: Slightly used newspaper press

A couple weeks ago I ran a blog obit of the old Goss letter press that tirelessly chugged out Flint Journals for half a century(ish) until it's retirement in April, 2004 (and currently being dismantled). The old boy was replaced with a shiny new, state-of-the-art offset Regioman press from the German manufacturer MAN Roland.

PICTURED: About half of the then Flint Journal staff in April, 2004, pose with the new press. I uploaded picture to my personal golf league website to avoid blogspot resizing. Clicking the picture will take you there and allow you to expand. I'm at 57,27 (row,column).



Sadly, most of these folks have been let go in the newspaper meltdown. The shiny new press will be mothballed in early February, 2012, as printing duties will be taken up by Valley Publishing, joining and sharing this press with sister pubs Bay City Times and Saginaw News.

As I stated to my Facebook friends, we have always been told the capital investment for the new press above was roughly $30 million. From it's start (April, 2004) to finish (February, 2012) it will have produced approximately 2,343 issues, costing $12,804 per issue in depreciation. (yes, I rounded on some days but this is close enough for me)... For comparison, the old Goss depreciated at $.0005 per issue. (OK, that last figure was totally made up, but if we are left with getting news from blog sites - this is the risk you run :)

By the way, join me on Facebook. You know who I am.

Lots of statistics being thrown around today, but do they tell the whole story?

For example, we learn that 20% of cell calls to 911 are "butt dials", but did you know that 99% of those originated from Barney Franks basement?

OPERATOR: "911, What's your emergency?"

ANON PAGEBOY: "Yes, I'm in Barney Frank's basement and I need a Gastroenterologist and the jaws of life, STAT!"

Of course, the most anticipated statistic today was the jobs number. The government is reporting that the unemployment rate slid to 8.6 percent in November. Of course, this number works like a golf handicap for the mainstream media, so we will just round that puppy down to an even 8%, whaddya say?

I can hardly contain my giddiness when I read that:
"...the "real" unemployment rate, which counts discouraged workers, also took a steep fall to 15.6 percent from 16.2 percent."

This number has no effect on the unofficial unemployment rate here at the rapidly deteriorating Chattering Teeth office, which by last check still stands at 100%. I say "unofficial" because, since I don't collect any UE benefits, I don't count.

Rejoice! The additional 278,000 Americans added to the unemployment figure is offset by the 315,000 who simply quit trying. Sounds like a reason to party to me! Obama's class warfare and several $Trillion in deficit spending seems to be working! How about another 4 more years to finish us off!

Men's Health measured suicide and unemployment rates, as well as antidepressant usage to calculate the happiest and saddest cities in America



A little shocked to see Detroit lose out to St. Petes, this year's number one saddest city. We here in Flint, MI look to Detroit as our rich big brother and am wondering why we Flintoids didn't make the list. Maybe it's because the good folks at Men's Health are measuring antidepressants and not crack use. Or maybe Michael Moore's net worth from the lofty peaks of the 1% have skewed these numbers.

Ah well, gotta go. My crack pipe is calling me.

Just how tall IS Herman Cain's wife?

PICTURED: Serial female height comparer, Herman Cain, caught in the act yet again demoralizing a democrat operative poor and unsuspecting female, and creating a hostile work environment. Just how many stature abused women are out there thinking, "I don't want to relive being told I was the same height as his wife!"

PICTURED: Texas Governor Rick Perry tells Chattering Teeth that there have been three women so far that have claimed to be the same height as Herman Cain's wife, Gloria. "Three weeks ago Sharon Bialek became the first height accuser... Most recently, a gal by the name of Ginger White from Atlanta has come forward with assertions that, off and on for the last 13 years, she has occasionally been as tall as Gloria. That other gal in the middle... What's her name? I can't think of the third one. I can't. Sorry. Oops!

Perry then took a shot at arch rival Mitt Romney:
"And Mitt, you lose all of your standing from my perspective because you hired illegals in your home, and you knew that at least one of the females was of the approximate height as your wife."

Romney: "I told my staff that I'm running for office, for Pete's sake. I know I'm Mormon and all, but I can't have illegals working for us who stand as tall as Ann."

Meanwhile, Evangelical Christian Richard Land posted an open letter to Newt Gingrich demanding he explain what his problem was with the height of his first two wives. "He owes all woman of similar height an apology."

PICTURED: Yao Defen from China stands at 7'9" and is the tallest living woman, as recognized by Guinness World Records. Investigative reporters here at the plush Chattering Teeth news room have made numerous calls to Yao regarding allegations that she may be the next woman to come out of her over-sized closet and claim she is the same height as Herman Cain's wife, Gloria. So far, she is unwilling to come forward. I smell a "payoff" mister Cain! What did this "negotiated settlement" cost you in Renminbi sir!?

PICTURED: President Obama addresses reporters at a WH press conference, stating that he has not once compared the height of another woman's tush to that of his wife Michelle's. "For the record though, that bad boy comes up to about here," he stated.

Dear Blog, Today Im going off the rails on a crazy train

ALL ABOOOOOAAAARRD! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Welcome, blog visitors. Please be advised. Chattering Teeth is a thrilling, high speed, turbulent blog that includes sharp turns, sudden drops and stops. Please secure all hats, glasses, pocket protectors and loose change before embarking. For your safety, please keep your arms and legs within the blog at all times until it comes to a complete stop. In the unlikely event it becomes necessary for this blog to make a water landing, your seat cushion may function as a floatation device.

If you are a democrat, please refer to the picture below for a graphic demonstration on how to engage a seat belt. We know this advanced technology can be frightening at first, especially if you're no Thomas Einstein. Please seek the help of a Republican if you entangle yourself. Enjoy the ride!!!



Speaking of rides, my new favorite TV commercial is that Honda Pilot "Road Trip" spot. It starts out with a family quietly driving down a desolate desert road, Mom and dad in the front seat, 3 girls in the middle and 3 boys in the back seat. The first time I saw this, I expected one of the boys to pull his sister's hair, or the little girl to ask that ageless query, "Are we there yet?" Instead, a male toe head mouths the opening bass notes to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train".

Bumbum. Bumbum... bumbum... bumbum.

On que comes sister with the "Aiyee aiyee aiyee aiyee..." followed by the random African-American lad on ice-in-the-cup percussion. (NOTE: I wonder how mom explained this birth to "dad")

Then dad kicks in with what I assume to be the lead guitar. I say "assume" because dad's hands never leave the wheel. Even as the entire family rocks out, all we get from dad is a sporadic fingertap. Sure, mom and dad get bonus points for the well choreographed rubber chicken necks, but I hold the bar a little higher than this for a random road trip rock out.

I first realized I had a very unique and special gift somewhere in my middle teens. I would lock the door of my room, put on some vinyl Nugent and practice solo for hours, honing my gift until it reached super hero status. Just a boy, his hands and his instrument. I, of course, am talking about my air guitar.

Wiktionary defines the "air guitar" as "An imaginary guitar that a listener to (usually rock) music pretends to play," but it is oh so much more than that! Anybody can pretend to play an imaginary guitar, but only an air guitar ninja can reach through the dimensional fabric of the space-time continuum to grasp and play an instrument not meant for human hands. My name is DaBlade, and I am a master musi-physician of guitar string theory.

I never entered into any contests, nor did I choose to display and share my rare talent with friends and/or family in my early years as the gift blossomed. I didn't want to cheapen my art by Tebowing it for show and profit. Not only that, but my extraordinary ability made me feel different, and so I hid it away for many years. I remember watching my youthful moves in the mirror one day and thinking, "I AM NOT A CIRCUS MONKEY! I AM A HUMAN BEING!"

And so the gift lay dormant for many years.

Then my 3 boys were born, and at this point I knew I owed it to them to train them in this family legacy coded in their DNA, that they might be able to harnass and shackle this power that is their birthright and inheritance. And so, dear friends, as my boys will attest - nary a road trip has occurred where the driver's window hasn't been lowered to allow dad to perform super-human hand-contourting air guitar fretwork on a seemingly invisible guitar with multiple twisting necks of various lengths and otherwordly wood, razor sharp fingerboards and whammy bars inaccessible to all but the most elite. More than once, cars sharing the road would peel to the side when I hit my zone to Skynyrd's Free Bird - mistaking my flashing arm, hand and finger movements for either gang signs or a health emergency. The devil better stay in Georgia.

OZZY OSBOURNE - CRAZY TRAIN This song strangely compels within me a desire to purchase a redesigned 8-passenger Honda Pilot mini van for the fam... OK, not really. But it does demand a little air guitar action, DaBlade style!!

Step off to the right. Step off to the right please. When the blog stops, step off to the right.

Obama golfs while the 99% suffer

The following dramatization depicts scenes of chaos and despair. Reader discretion is advised.

I heard someone scream, "INCOMING!," and we dove into the nearest bunker for protection. One second, my friends and I are talking and smiling and enjoying the day. The next second all hell was breaking loose, as the incoming projectiles were crashing all around us. I peeked up to see my friend Mary curled up into the fetal position sobbing, "Why waa waa waa why?," as she rocked back and forth, seemingly to the rhythm of the reports all around her...

The above is a Chattering Teeth dramatization of...
A) A first hand account of Hamas terrorists perpetrating rocket attacks on innocent Israeli citizens.
B) President Obama warms up on the driving range before a round at an undisclosed golf course in the Washington area Friday with his "body man", scattering the pool of reporters with his miss hits.

The correct answer, of course, is "B", as Obama takes in his 30th time golfing this year and the 88th golf outing of his presidency.

Too bad the driving range is not covered by the new state-of-the-art First Divot Deflect System that blankets the actual course. Another stimulus is necessary to fund that degree of coverage.

What? You've never heard of the First Divot Deflect System? It utilizes the advanced technology of the Patriot Missile System. However, unlike the Patriot missile system which is designed to detect, target and then destroy an incoming missile that is typically flying at three to five times the speed of sound - the First Divot Deflect system is designed to detect, target and deflect President Obama's errant golf shots back towards the hole. Compared to the Patriot missile system, the First Divot Deflect System is a much more ambitious feat, challenging engineers and scientists like nothing else since the Manhattan Project.

Here's how it works
Obama's sporadic shots require an elaborate tree-based radar system that locates and measures golf ball location, speed, trajectory, atmospheric fluctuations and ball spin. This data is instantly transmitted via satellite to NASA, where their high-speed computers - normally used in tracking earth-threatening asteroids - are re-tasked to digest, compute and predict where the golf ball would land without diversion, taking into account the numerous expected golf cart and tree caroms.

A measured response is computed that will redirect the ball to the fairway, and the electronic instructions are instantly transmitted back to small fairway-lined air cannons. All of this needs to occur in such a way that will minimize the president's suspicion, since his narcissistic and arrogant personality requires that he truly believe he made these golf shots unassisted.



All of this high-tech hardware and software comes with a hefty taxpayer pricetag in the several $Trillions, a veritable bargain when you consider the cost to this country of a detached and bored Obama with time on his hands.

And now a word from our sponsor...
NEW from Chattering Teeth Toys! Electronic Obama Golf Game!