Democrat Convention Mystery Speaker Leaked: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to deliver "We Own This Country"

Not really, but would anyone be terribly surprised?


Obama could select from a plethora of third world dictators or communist thugs (not currently serving in his administration). Someone should check Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro's travel plans over the next week.

Now comes Pelosi, Reid, Biden... Fluke... maybe Michael Moore. An endless parade of buffoons on the way and I can't wait for the contrast.

The "We Own This Country" was actually a great line from Clint Eastwood last night, who was absolutely stellar BTW.

Former Homeless Man with the Golden voice Announced as GOP Mystery Speaker!

OK, as far as I know, my blog headline is a complete fabrication. But who knows? Ted Williams is certainly a "from rags  to riches" story... He himself went from a crack head into a successful businessman (Obama to Romney transformation)... He could speak to the millions of unemployed Americans and give them hope with his "What a difference a year makes” story.

You Know you love it!

CONVENTION UPDATE

Wow! Ann Romney was great. All the speakers delivered. Fantastic kickoff to the convention. That's all I have time for this morning, as I have to pack a bag, don a disguise, hop the back fence and take a clandestine flight. I'll tell ya about all that later.

Who Is GOP’s Mystery Speaker Thursday night in prime time who is listed as “to be announced”?

Whenever I go to an event, I always take a look at the lineup and make my plans accordingly. I'm not there in Tampa, but if I was, I'd schedule my bathroom break during the Bebe Winans Choir thingy. No offense to Bebe, or his/her? choir. I'm sure they sing lovely. It's just that there is a lot of buzz and buildup on the identity of this mystery speaker slot and I surely would not want to miss that. Hopefully there will be speakers in the bathroom piping in Bebe and company's melodies for those like-minded folks answering nature's call.

Remember, the Romney campaign was able to keep the VP selection secret by having Paul Ryan sneak out through his backyard wearing a cheesehead or something - So I'm sure they can keep my identity uhhhhh ummm... I mean the mystery speaker's identity a secret.

Popular guesses in the blogosphere include rocker Ted Nugent, CIA Director David Petraeus, the Doctor of Democracy himself - Mr. Rush Limbaugh, Joe Lieberman and Colin Powell.

Also popular choices are 82-year old actor Clint Eastwood and one hundred twenty something Nancy Reagan. I love them both, but they would not wow the younger folk.

I don't think the mystery guest will be Pope Benedict or Kid Rock, nor will it be Helen Thomas or Michael Moore (Though I would be fine with all of those selections. The last two would be examples of "let them talk" to expose their folly). If that was the goal, just put Joe Biden "back in chains and anchor him to the podium, tell him he's at a Obama fundraiser in West Virginia and get out of the way of his unleashed pie hole.

If I was planning this, I'd want a little comedy thrown in. We have to laugh, right? I might have Punxsutawney Phil ride out strapped to the back of a jackass (the official democrat mascot). The groundhog would play the part of Joe Biden (no stretch for any rodent) and donkey would be obama of course. They could stand on stage while actual obama/biden soundbites were played over the convention speakers. Then Ann Romney's Thoroughbred Rafalka would chase them off stage. Like it?

Well, my fake mustache is dried and I have a plane to catch. Stay tuned!

Hurricane Isaac's path toward New Orleans is proof positive that Obama hates black people

There is a large and ominous hulk approaching, blotting out the sun and obscuring the view.

No, I'm not referring to Rosie O'Donnell, ex-co-host of the daytime feminist TV show The View. I am speaking, of course, about Hurricane Isaac.

Regular readers of this blog know full well my credentials as a self-trained weather astrologist. Rest easy, for I have run my home hurricane path prediction model (which consists of my key chain gambling top on a vintage Risk playing board map).


According to the model, Isaac will make an abrupt U-Turn, head in a south easterly direction... station itself over Fidel's home in Havana, then head harmlessly out to sea.

Full Disclosure, my key chain spinner dude has been wrong before and cost me several rolls of quarters in the process. Maybe it's because I'm ever the Optometrist, but I see Lake Pontchartrain as half empty.


That said, even if my model is in error (and speaking of "brackish estuaries")...
I really think the dikes will hold this time.

You are what you worship

Listen, in today's partisan climate of political rancor and divisiveness, I believe we should grasp onto every area where we can all agree. Namely, that liberals should all dress up like giant vaginas and stand on street corners.

I'm still not sure if the Code Pinko protesters showed up in Tampa looking for giant Tampax tampons or to just to display their grotesqueries for the press coverage at the RNC Convention. I'm guessing these "Sandra Flukes" dress up in giant vaginas for shock value, but Barney Frankly, I'd be shocked if their twisted thoughts spewed from a normally attired person.

I mean, I'm the same age as the president. I don't know if they had Saturday morning cartoons in Kenya, Indonesia or wherever the Frank he's from, but I know I did. Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny were silly looking, which matched their hilarious routines. I strongly urge Obama and the democrats to borrow the code Pink costumes and wear them for their own upcoming convention. 'Course, that's how I will be picturing him in my mind's eye regardless.

Thankfully, leftists tend to drape themselves in textiles, body "art" and other a kooter ments accoutrements to make them readily identifiable. If the metal in your face and other parts unmentionable tend to set off the airport security detectors, chances are your a liberal. If you wear your silver pony tail out and over your tie dye T-shirt...

Will Hurricane Isaac make the GOP Convention it's Tina Turner?

Will the approaching Tropical Storm Isaac be a mean drunk (Category 4 or 5) or a happy drunk? (Loud and windy, leaning on you with his arm around your shoulder, spittle in your face)?

The Republican National Convention doesn't want to take any chances with this storm (where even a glancing tropical blow could wreak havoc on Donald Trump's macabre pompadour causing traffic emergencies) and have therefore postponed Monday's scheduled roll-call to Tuesday. Mitt Romney's team is scrambling to cram four days of events into three, causing one aide to state, "it's as challenging as trying to squeeze Governor Chris Christie into a 42 Regular for his Keynote address."

The following clip is raw footage of Governor Christie practicing his speech for Mitt Romney


OK, admit it. THAT would be awesome!

What isn't awesome is the fact that Joe Biden's planned campaign trip To Tampa has been cancelled. The ever classless Obama team originally scheduled the Biden trip in hopes of countering the start of the GOP convention, but somebody in the campaign must have realized that Biden's mouth is as unpredictable as Isaac's path and quickly scrapped the plan. Besides, they were probably having difficulty locating a donut show or small diner where the owner agreed to the photo op. Apparently, Biden will be appearing in nearby Orlando on Tuesday - wearing Mouse ears and sipping Kool Aid from a bendable straw surrounded by costumed characters in Fantasyland. In other words, your typical democrat rally.

Meanwhile, Isaac continues it's erratic gait, like a drunken sailor leaving the bar at 2AM whistling show tunes, oblivious to the direction of home. For the sake of all Gulf Coast residents potentially in it's path, let's hope it's the Isaac version in the following video - cool and smooooth, with no random roundhouse punches.

Hey GOP! It's almost Time to get it on!

Obama on the Politrickin' trail

President Obama took a seat by the window of Air force One, as was his habit, so he could read about himself in natural light. The flight was going to be a short one and he was looking forward to that afternoon's day of golf. "I haven't had a vacation in over 10 days!," he pondered to himself.

He scanned the headlines for articles that mentioned his greatness. It didn't used to be this hard. His handlers were careful to go over each newspaper beforehand and black out any mention of his opponent's success, or the rare occurence of Obama's own negative press. It seemed each day's edition was marked up more than the last.

As the plane reached cruising altitude, Barack's eye was drawn to this headline:

USADA strips President Obama of Awards

Startled, he began to read...

The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency erased 14 years worth of Barack Obama's high school and college career Friday - including his alleged degree from  Columbia University and Harvard Law School. But the USADA didn't stop there. They stripped him of his Nobel Peace Prize, and court ordered him to hand write refund checks in the amount of $1.09 from his own personal account to every disgruntled customer from the Opti-grab bailout failure.

He is now officially a drug cheat in the eyes of his nation's doping agency - and by the majority of voters, who look to strip him of the presidency this November.

Barack's longtime spiritual advisor, Reverend Wright, came to his defense and said he was the victim of an unjust legal case. "Where is the evidence that Barack was doping? This is nothing more than a witch hunt and the USADA just be ridin' dirty!"

A reporter from Chattering Teeth blog pointed out to reverend Wright that the evidence was in Obama's own spoon-fed words in his ghost-written autobiography, Dreams from My Father:

"I had learned not to care. I blew a few smoke rings, remembering those years. Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though. Didn't like the smack causin' me to shake like a faulty engine, and I never could get the tubing and needle to cooperate with my skinny ass arms."

Suddenly, Airforce One hit an air pocket momentarily jarring Obama awake in his airplane seat. He looked down at the newspaper lying open on his lap. He had fallen asleep while reading the latest news story about Lance Armstrong being stripped of his Tour de France titles by the USADA for accusations of doping.

 "It was all a dream," the president said with relief. "This story isn't about me!"

Of course it's not mister president. Lance still has one testicle while you remain ball less sir!

Presidential Campaign Sports Analogy Friday

“It is very rare that I come to an event where I’m like the fifth or sixth most filthy rich person,” Romney joked while addressing a group of current and former Wall Street bankers.

MITT ROMNEY CAMPAIGN SHOCKER!

“I can’t resist a polo analogy. We are in the final chukkas. We’re up by a few goals but the other side is coming strong and they have been known to hook your pony from behind with their mallet. We’ve got a few Thoroughbred mounts on our team with painful laminitis and I believe that they’ve got one last run in them. I’d say there’s about seven minutes to go in the game ... if you’ve got a little bit of a lead and there’s about seven minutes, that’s when you adjust your posture in the saddle,  pull on the reigns and become victorious in a gentlemanly fashion.”

Haha! OK, that didn't really happen, but can the imagine the mainstream media's joy if it had?
Here is what really happened..

“It is very rare that I come to an event where I’m like the fifth or sixth most interesting person,” Obama joked while addressing a group of 120 current and former NBA stars.

Hmmm, narcissist much? Wasn't the Elephant Man also the most interesting person in the room during his lifetime?

BARACK OBAMA (picture him with Erkel shorts up to his armpits and headband above the Dumbo ears): 

“I can’t resist a basketball analogy.We are in the fourth quarter. We’re up by a few points but the other side is coming strong and they play a little dirty. We’ve got a few folks on our team in foul trouble. We’ve got a couple of injuries and I believe that they’ve got one last run in them. I’d say there’s about seven minutes to go in the game ... if you’ve got a little bit of a lead and there’s about seven minutes, that’s when you put them away.”

What Obama doesn't say in his analogy is that the refs in this game are the mainstream media, and he is getting the benefit of every call.

THIS JUST IN: New polling shows the president has a substantial lead among current and former NBA basketball players. He also continues to receive strong support with the tatted up drug, crime and ghetto thug culture.

Everyone knows that your body can't shut down this repeated and legitimate rape

"The Longest Term" By Navin Johnson

I know you've only been president for a little over three and a half years, but to me it seems like nine years, ten weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went golfing and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when I saw you on TV, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Curiosity Zaps First Martian Rock with Laser (while this act of aggression is met with silence by the so-called United Federation of Planets!)

Source

August 19, 2012:  NASA's Mars rover Curiosity has fired its laser for the first time on Mars. On Aug. 19th the mission's ChemCam instrument hit a fist-sized rock named "Coronation" with 30 pulses of its laser during a 10-second period. Each pulse delivers more than a million watts of power for about five one-billionths of a second.

Mission control erupted into a chaos of pocket protector to pocket protector hugs and high fives. The rest of the article talks about creating puffs of smoke for analysis. After many years of ChemCam development, not to mention $Millions of tax dollars in chips and assorted munchies during project Rover Reefer) it was time to get mellow.

NASA Mohawk guy: "Wow maaaaan, don't bogart the ionized, glowing plasma!"

While the article doesn't specifically mention Obama, I will naturally assume he has made another "gutsy call" in leading this mission that brought that rock to justice (unless I hear differently from Democrat Senator Jeanne Shaheen).  I'm sure the president insisted on live updates to his Blackberry, hoping for any distraction during his campaign stop and bi-annual visit to church.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney promised Ohio coal workers that he would do everything in his power to ensure them "good jobs and good wages." An anonymous source told this reporter that Obama will pull the plug on the Mars mission and bankrupt NASA immediately if Curiosity discovers coal on the red planet.

Lastly, it has not escaped the American people Mister Romney, that we still don't know your color preferences or desired super power. Obama has fully disclosed this key information while your campaign remains silent sir!

Stoned NASA scientists practice with the Mars rover?

Mitt Romney refuses to release his favorite workout song

Obama hasn't had a formal news conference since march 6 as he has been too busy fund raising, campaigning and golfing. He just had time to squeeze in a probing interview from pop radio in New Mexico.  In it, we learn some very valuable information that will help us make an informed decision in the polling booth come this November.

While Mitt Romney and his side-kick Paul Ryan run around talking about boring ol' economic stuff and writing confusing numbers on whiteboards, the 93.3 FM reporters get the the REAL issues young folks care about.

It was obvious to me that Obama was prepped for this interview and knew the questions in advance.   Allah forbid he get a hard-hitting and unexpected question like "Boxers or briefs?" like Bill Clinton deftly fielded from an MTV reporter a few campaigns ago.

"Red or green mister president?"  "What's your favorite New Mexican food?..  Favorite workout song? ...desired super power?"

Choreographed and scripted interview aside, Obama's charming and familiar speech patterns came across over the over the radio waves. His staccato intellectual cadence of "yaknow... uhhhh... buuuut... aaaand... thaaaaat... eh eh eh ya know.. aaaand) seasoned with a unique accent of blended Indonesian Madrassa and Chicago thug, got the interview chicky poo all giggly at the end.

"Oh mi gosh! Fer suuure! I just flirted with the president of the united state (sic) of America! What Ev...veeeer!"

The thing to remember kids, is that Obama is cool man - so please take away from this interview the image of Obama "swoopin' around" in red tights while listening to Beyounce on his iPod. Don't clutter your minds with those fact thingys those Republicans are sooo in love with.

Helmets and Headcrabs

Swedish designers have done it again! First, there was the Swedish meatballs invention. Then came the Swiss Army Knife. Now comes the greatest human achievement so far this century -

The inflatable Bike Helmet!

"...the blow-up helmet is housed in a pouch that, when wrapped around your neck, looks a little like a puffed-up ski-jacket collar.

But, using gyroscopes and accelerometers and other electronic sensors, the Hovding can sense a bike crash and then immediately blow up an airbag of sorts to surround the cyclist's head."

When the sensors are triggered, helium gas is deployed to fill up the nylon bag. Creators say it takes only a tenth of a second to fully inflate.

Can't you just imagine a faulty sensor causing this thing to pop up at the most inopportune times!?



Of course, anyone goofy enough to wear this as a bike helmet would likely render the safety feature ineffective by sucking the helium tank dry within the first couple of miles. I can almost hear recordings of the Donald and Daisy Duck 911 emergency calls now.

I can only hope that engineers are working on full body airbags and that these suits will become mandatory citizen uniforms in a second Obama term.


The gal in the inflated helmet reminds me of one of them zombie head crabs who run around in Half-Life II, my favorite PC game of all time. BTW. Hey Valve! When is Half-Life 3 going to finally be released?

Headcrab Zombies

Joe Biden gaffes again! *yawn*

“Let’s just settle it, once and for all. All this speculation. This is the ticket: Obama/Biden,” asked Fox News Channel’s White House correspondent Ed Henry.

Yes,” replied Carney. “And that was settled a long, long time ago.”

Joe Biden gaffes again in a recent stump speech:

“Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive”

Obviously, he meant to say the exact opposite. Technically, GM is not dead, just on a never-ending taxpayer funded life support.

..and Speaking of "alive" and "life support":  This shocking image smuggled from an underground White House bunker proves Obama's male lover Osama is still alive!

Obama drops Biden for hissing Madagascar cockroach!

OK, this is a little creepy but I like it!

I Side With Mitt Romney on most issues

Who do you support for president? Take the quiz over at iSideWith.com and see if it matches your assumptions. h/t: Right KliK


Here are my results:

I won't quibble with the results. They're close enough. But I can't help but wonder just what 21% of me agrees with Obama. The only way I can explain this to myself is that these areas are still active lies by the fibber-in-chief. It was just a few months ago that Obama stated (lied) that he opposed gay marriage. He still claims he's a Christian but everyone knows that's total bullshit.

The following are testimonials for the accuracy of iSideWith.com's quiz. (Like most polls taken today, only Obama supporters were asked)


Meet 28-year-old Floyd Corkins, a self-hating liberal activist LGBT volunteer who shot a security guard at the pro-life group Family Research Council yesterday.

"I took the iSideWith.com quiz and the results stated I agreed with Obama only 100% of the time. I ALWAYS give 110% mutha f#@&ers!!"

Meet Michelle Williams, the Black Panthers chief of staff who threatens the upcoming cracker RNC convention in Tampa FL. She tells her audience that it's time to go into nurserys and kill everything white.

"Yah, I took the iSide quiz thang. Ain't no mutha f#@&ing way I agree with that white cracker Romney 1% of the time! I want those iSide cracker's heads in my bag!"

Meet Abortion Doc Virmani, a frequent Democrat Donor  Who claims he is doing a society a favor by killing all the “Ugly Black Babies.”

"I have no comment. Please to get off my porch."

And in conclusion, I'll leave you with a recent email joke I received from a friend. The theme is kind of the same so enjoy!

I get irritated when people criticize the police saying they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are that way.

   The police department in the small country town of Fredericksburg,TX reported finding a man's body in the Pedernales River. The dead man's name was not released pending notification of his family .The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
 

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, Texas police do care.