Did Gay NBA Player "Walk it Back" (or is this another satirical post to amuse myself)?

The day after NBA player Jason Collins was being hailed for coming out as the first male athlete in professional team sports to publicly announce he's gay now says he was misunderstood.

"When I said I was "gay", I only meant that I was happy and carefree," Collins said.

There is a question whether another NBA team will take a chance on Collins, for fear the homosexual 7-feet and 255 pound center would become a distraction in their locker room. 

"I'm telling you man, I AM NOT HOMOSEXUAL!," insisted Collins, unsuccessfully trying to walk it back to save the back end of his career. "OK, nevermind. My back end is totalled." "I guess my locker room towel snapping days are over."

It is being reported that the PC NBA will be under pressure to get the "light in the sneakers" Collins under contract, regardless of any talent that is still left in his 36-year-old body.

As CNN's Anderson Cooper queeries, "Can he still pound the rock?" 

If we've learned anything since 2008 with Obama's election as the first partially black male with questionable sexual orientation, the American people have proclaimed loud and clear that skill and ability doesn't matter.

Speaking of Obama, he called an emergency press conference in order to preemptively label NBA teams that do not offer Collins a contract as "terrorist organizations". "It's premature to use thaaat 'T' word in relation to those rambunctious Benghazi and Boston bomber students who may have watched a disgusting video insulting the prophet, peace be unto him. But its not premature to label any General Manager as a terrorist if they refuse to pursue Collins. I'm sure they have one of them Christians they can run off their team to make room".

Asked what executive orders he might be contemplating with regards to Collins, Obama stated he would bring him on his staff if necessary. "He could help me with my free throws", joked Obama. "I'll find out first hand if he can still take it hard to the rim!"

Now that the NBA has broken the glass ceiling by allowing a gay player in, do you think the WNBA will follow suit and allow any straight women in?

Planned Martyrdom Battleround between Two Persons of Interest

To "progressives", there is no actual God, so when El Diablobama utters this blasphemy in the same breath as this abortion mill, it's just a figure of speech which means, "collective and enlightened libs".

 To El Diablobma - God blesses the murder of innocent life?
To Zubeidat - it could be worse. You could have been responsible for giving birth to obama. Now back to your cave!

Take your Child to Candy Island Day

I usually ignore TV commercials (or use them as an opportunity to "powder my nose") but I LOVE those AT&T "It's not complicated" commercials with the funny kids and the straight-laced adult. (BTW, when I say I am going to "powder my nose", what I really mean is that I am going to "powder the bathroom")

My favorite AT&T commercial has to be 'Saving Money: Island Made of Candy'. I mean, WHO wouldn't want to live on Candy Island, where all is right with the world and everything is perfect (except maybe for the teeth)?

I thought of Candy Island when I read this story...
Flint Journal-MLive does Take Your Child to Work Day

Maybe the reason is because I looked at the story's accompanying pictures with curiosity, having never set foot inside these plush, new MLive studios on Saginaw Street in downtown Flint. Having spent my 31 years in the newspaper business just across the road in the old Flint Journal complex on the corner of Harrison and First Street, these are not the mental imagines that come to mind when I think "newspaper facility". Where are the cardboard ovals laid out on the flooring to protect it from pressmen's inky shoes? This facility does look spectacular, although maybe a bit sterile for my taste.

Time heals all wounds, and like the majority of my friends I grew up with in that business, we have found other venues for our talents. (though I worry about "Scoop", for as hard as it is to teach an old dog new tricks, just imagine if you were an old newspaper mascot. Who would hire that guy?)

So here's to Candy Island. May you find it where ever you happen to be.

Ladybug Flash Mob

The plan to combat an aphid problem in the Mall of America by releasing 72,000 Ladybugs has backfired.

Though some shoppers have complained that the ladybugs might fly onto food, a mall spokesperson noted that the insects tend to spend their lives on plants, not human food.

And this mall in Minnesota has "more than 30,000 live plants, including about 400 trees." Hence, the aphid problem.

So far, the ladybugs have left people food alone, but what mall managers did not bank on was the numerous flash bug mobs throughout the day involving these devilish half-sphered spotted beetles.

"It's a concern," stated Clyde The Mall Cop. "On top of everything else in this high stressed security job, nows we gotta worry about a spontaneous song and dance routine from a bunch of feminist bugs!"

One mall shopper shared his frightening encounter, as he sat in the cafeteria at center court.

I was minding my own business and eating a soft hot pretzel. It happened so quickly and seemingly out of nowhere! A single ladybug jumped out from behind a nearby pillar and began to dance. At first it was entertaining, yet pointless. Then another ladybug, who had until then escaped notice by blending in as just another shopper with a shopping bag, joined the first in a hauntingly melodic ladybug duo. Next thing you know, thousands more suddenly appeared - flapping and buzzing around in perfect Coccinellidae Choreography! Some are playing trumpets and miniature little snare drums, others buzzing in harmony as they leaned over a balcony, and still others performed break dancing routines - spinning wildly on their cute little half sphere shelled backs. Then the next thing you know, they just disappeared again and the mall returned to normal. BTW, ladybugs are actually quite tasty when smothered in mustard.

Frank Costanza posited on Seinfeld about roosters, hens and chickens. I wonder what he would ask about the ladybug. In conclusion, I now have another reason not to like shopping. I know I shouldn't be "scarabed", they're just beetles.

I write, you learn.

To say that Dzhokhar and his older brother, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, were motivated by religion, is like saying Socrates was motivated by a hemlock energy drink.
Moral: All beverages ARE NOT created equal. Some promise nothing but death by consumption.Others, eternal satiation. Like Diet Coke, only better.

Anagrams of the day: (created with names spelled with individual scrabble tiles, shaking them up in a Yahtzee cup and spilling them on my vibrating electronic football game until the hidden message appears...)

INPUT: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev
OUTPUT: Dark Haze, Short Van
(is that like a "short bus" for Islamofacists?)

INPUT: Tamerlan Tsarnaev
OUTPUT: Actually several, and they all have roughly the same theme. They are...
Avatar Rentals Men
A Manservant Later
Anal Tamers Tavern (an afterlife prison reserved for these "religious" scum that makes Guantanamo look like the Hilton)

Live from the Chattering Teeth Studios, "DaBlade is Right!"

Cue Theme song (Think "horns" and "drum rolls" and other various non-complimentary musical instruments played by deaf people for the first time - or your favorite Jazz song - BaBum DaDaa!)

Live from the Chattering Teeth Studios, it's your favorite blog feature game show where I first quote from a story, then I comment on the contents of said quote with a pithy response that will quite literally change the world! Immediately. Seriously. Literally, as in symbolically in my own mind. So COME ON DOWN! you're the next reader on DaBlade is Right!

Today's story comes to us from Nicaragua involving a peace loving former U.S. third grade school teacher.

Nicaragua authorities detain American suspect on FBI's most-wanted list

Police in Nicaragua have detained a former U.S. school teacher who was on the FBI's 10 most-wanted fugitives as a suspect in a child pornography investigation, authorities confirmed Monday.

DaBlade: For consistency's sake, obama should come out with a statement between golf rounds to tell the American people not to judge all child pornographers for this man's heinous crimes by stating, "The future must not belong to those who slander child pornography."

"Toth will be deported immediately because he was in our country illegally," Granera said at a news conference in Managua, the capital.

DaBlade: Do they REALLY plan to round up and deport every child pornographer in their country illegally? Where is the a pathway to citizenship for innocent peace loving child pornographers?  Apparently, Nicaragua needs to "fix and modernize" their immigration system.
Toth taught third grade at Beauvoir, a private elementary school on the grounds of the Washington National Cathedral. He was escorted off campus in June 2008 after another teacher reported finding sexually explicit photographs on a school camera in Toth's possession. He had not been seen since he lost his job.

DaBlade: Why was the teacher rummaging through this guy's camera? Great! Next thing you know, a peace-loving muslim won't be able to walk down the sidewalk without the rightwing gestapo demanding we search the contents of the pressure cooker in his back pack. Is it now against the law for a peace loving muslim to take their sick grandmother some home cooked hot slaw?

The bureau had said that Toth might have been advertising as a tutor or a male nanny and using the alias of David Bussone.
DaBlade: Well "mister dirty child pictures on your camera," you are not getting off that easily! Had you simply dismembered thousands of children after delivering them at birth, the media would completely ignore you. As penance, you will be sentenced to a 3-year term as Scout Master at your local "new and improved" Boy Scout Club. This will have the side benefit of "ushering the organization back to relevancy."

Just remember sir! Please, no flash photography on overnight camping trips!

A completely unrelated picture of Obama and his roommate in college.

How to Celebrate Earth Day for the Uninitiated (and Feel wholly anthropocentrically cleansed)

Earth Day 2013 just so happens to fall on garbage day at DaBlade's house. Like most Monday mornings, I spend it making numerous trips to the curb dragging my refuse. Back and forth, first with my fleet of overflowing garbage cans, then a Giza pyramids worth of 50-gallon black plastic trash bags, and box after box after box chock-filled with other boxes inside them from the prior week's consumption - like so many macabre cardboard cubed Russian nesting dolls destined to fill a Sandra Fluke-sized hole at the local landfill.

When I'm done, I gaze up and down the block comparing my garbage pile with my neighbors. For some reason I take pride in my winning stack, as if there is some kind of unspoken contest. I win most weeks, even when the neighborhood suffers yet another of the ever increasing obama sheriff's deed foreclosures which results in a curb littered with a worn couch or two, broken end tables, car tires, a broken porcelain toilet, bags of untold debris, and mattresses from once happy bedrooms haphazardly stacked by the roadside like so many other broken lives and dreams.

Before you judge, please be aware that the last trip I make to the curb is to deposit my cute li'l plastic blue recycling bin containing an empty milk carton and a pizza box or two. It makes the wife happy.

Of course, THAT was before I discovered Earth Day exactly 5 years ago.  

Don't misunderstand me, my garbage mass could still fill an aircraft carrier most weeks, it's just that now I am burdened by enviro-wacky guilt. This guilt only attacks on Earth Day, as the other 364 days of the year are spent quite literally thinking about other things.  But on Earth Day, my dear dope smoking, pony-tailed and tie die wearing libs, we are brethren.

You see, five years ago I was visited by the spirit of Bob Marley. After we partied with his herb and jammed to that Redemption song, he warned me that for every pound of garbage I threw out during my lifetime I was forging an invisible garbage chain I would be forced to suffer with in the afterlife.

Ah! take heed my friends who still mock Earth Day! You do not know the weight and length of the strong and rancid smelling garbage chain you bear yourself! It was as full and as long as this five Earth Days ago and you have labored on it since. Ah, it is a ponderous and smelly chain!

DISCLAIMER: Garbage is defined as any discarded item thrown out by a capitalist, including but not limited to worn or broken household items, leftover packaging, uneaten non-vegan foodstuffs, or other items resulting from capitalist consumption. Garbage DOES NOT include Earf-friendly items such as dirty drug needles, spent roaches, stacks of discarded and bloodied unwanted fetuses with severed spines, etc., and also the following: Any item purchased with any form of government transfer payment, including but not limited to Social Security, welfare, food stamps, unemployment compensation, etc.  

DaBlade! You've made me a believer, but I am one of the few left in this obama economy who still works and earns my own income - so what can I do?

Look to the Algore, our very own flatulating global warming guru, who has taught us that all our environmental sins can be forgiven with carbon credits.

What's a carbon credit 'Blade?

I don't really know, but I think it has something to do with selling your fledgling cable television station to rich oil emirates in petroleum-producing countries to keep yourself well stocked in cheeseburgers and flannel.

But I don't HAVE a fledgling cable network (nor do I really like flannel). What else can I do to be a good Earf friendly progressive?

Do what I do every Earth Day and follow these important steps (after taking out the garbage).

* Get up early and tighten bandana,
* Put on my sandals and walk to the park
* kneel down in pile of leaves
* Cry, wail and mourn the loss of the old growth trees


Return to suburbia, arrogant, self-righteous, and wholly anthropocentrically cleansed for yet another year.

George Carlin on The Environment

Dzhokhar's Island

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful tip

That ended in this Watertown yard
Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a cowardly Chechen man,
The brother already dead


Authorities surrounded the boat
One less muslim throwing lead

If not for the courage of this fearless crew
Freedom would be lost, freedom would be lost.

Wake up and smell the roses - there were more than two terrorists involved, and they are muslims

OK, this is the second day of me mixing meteors, but coffee by any other name would smell as deliciously deep roasted.

PICTURED: A muslim terrorist buying A 32 OUNCE BEVERAGE!!!

It is being reported that the two Boston bombing suspects are Chechen. Hmmm.

You say Po-Tah-Toe, and I say just don't call me "late for dinner".

It may shock the PC progressive crowd (and the state controlled media may be hesitant to report this), but Chechen terrorists are radical muslims.

and there most definitely is a cell near you.

I may have been born on the back of a turnip truck at night, but my momma didn't raise no vegetable

This fertizer plant explosion in Texas, on the heels of the Boston attack and the ricin mail attacks... Has it begun? I should be thankful I live in Flint, Michigan - the most target-poor city in the U.S. (thanks to union thuggery, the Michael Moore mindset and long time democrat rule)

I now interrupt this blog to join a fake news conference already in progress...

Local Weather forecast (nothing else is funny)

If you're like me, then you can't help but wonder if the Meth lab explosion at a Flint apartment complex  was the result of the Republican forced sequester cuts. If you're like me, you're also a 51-year-old heterosexual male who likes to set his wardrobe out for the week in advance. April in mid Michigan makes this particularly tricky, as you can see from my actual 5-day forecast from weather.com.


The last thing I need is to be caught unawares in my flowered capris and sleeveless T on a day like this coming Saturday. Or in my down-filled and snorkeled monster coat this Thursday. Rest assured I am prepared for the rainy forecast, as I have located my vinly screaming yellow rain coat with the large buckles, as well as the fancy vinyl yellow hat with chin buckle and my coal black buckled golashes.

Crazy Talk out of NK continues - Kim Jung-un challenges Obama to merciless game of Donkey Basketball

Kermit, the Tadpole Killing Frog

Have you heard about the abortion doctor who has made millions murdering hundreds of innocent babies at his Philadelphia abortion shack? No?

It's now widely understood that progressives control the information flow in this country, from kindergarten thru college, and a state-controlled media feeding the masses the progressive socialist line. They blow up silly and meaningless stories against conservatives and Christians, while completely ignoring HUGE Impeachment-worthy stories like Benghazi, Fast and Furious... and how about the latest Watergate style wiretap spying on Mitch McConnell's office. So the abortion killer story not surprising.


The Most Heinous Murder Trial That The Mainstream Media Doesn't Want You To Know About

Infant beheadings. Severed baby feet in jars. A child screaming after it was delivered alive during an abortion procedure. Haven't heard about these sickening accusations?

It's not your fault. Since the murder trial of Pennsylvania abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell began March 18, there has been precious little coverage of the case that should be on every news show and front page. The revolting revelations of Gosnell's former staff, who have been testifying to what they witnessed and did during late-term abortions, should shock anyone with a heart.

I believe there is a very special corner in Hell reserved for this guy.

Pictured: A scary scene from Jaws when Sheriff Brody is chumming the waters from the back of Quint's tiny schooner. There is no doubt the Philadelphia abortion doctor is a ravenous killer - just like this shark. Obamabot voters are the ones at the back of the progressive schooner, chumming the waters from buckets of bloodied baby parts.

How about you? Do you feed these monsters? Do you live in Complicity?

If you voted for Obama, you're a baby butcher. If you're a proud progressive supporter of Planned Parenthood,your hands might as well be on the spine-severing shears. If you call yourself "pro-choice", we will NOT "agree to disagree".

Week in Review Pop Quiz

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Today's Poll question: Should the Church Modernize?

Detroit-area Catholic leaders urge gay marriage supporters to skip Communion
"For a Catholic to receive holy Communion and still deny the revelation Christ entrusted to the church is to try to say two contradictory things at once: 'I believe the church offers the saving truth of Jesus, and I reject what the church teaches.' In effect, they would contradict themselves.
PRO: About time. Pro-abortion and same-sex marriage 'Catholics' just GO AWAY. There are plenty of false "progressive " idols for you to worship.

CON: Absolutely NOT! The Church needs to update its antiquated and homophobic and anti women's CHOICE beliefs or just watch its membership decline!

and the answer is...
Decline away then. For me, my faith is not related to the percentage of my peers who agree on an issue. I don't take a poll of those around me for the purpose of adopting majority opinion as my core beliefs or I would be a progressive. I am not that weak. (DISCLAIMER: I give all progressives the "benefit of the doubt until their 25th birthday. After that, they should know better)

and in conclusion...
If the Church membership were to decrease down to a dozen or so members who could hypothetically fit into a small, upstairs apartment (with drawn curtains, to hide from obama's civil patrol drones) to break bread in an outlawed Mass of worship, I would still want to be there.

Remember, you can't refinish a beautiful antique table without stripping off the barnacles first.