I am now a Be-Bobble-ieber

Sometime next year (cue wavy lines signifying time travel to the future)

Justin Bieber BOOED AGAIN at the 2014 Billboard Music Awards, this time as a severed head under the stage name "Justin Bobble". The FBI is still searching for "Doctor DaBlade", the anonymous email author who convinced Bieber he carried the faulty Angelina Jolie gene below the neck. Some of the agents in the FBI do not find this humorous.

The boos thundered from the crowd during Bobble's performance of "Never say Severe" from his new album I ain't got no Body. Bobble chastised the audience with almost the same whiny speech he gave at the 2013 Billboard Music Awards (with a few minor changes, given the situation).

"I’m 20-years-old, I think I’m doing a pretty good job for just a severed head spring mounted on a plaster bobblehead doll. I really just want to say, it should really be about the music and the craft that I’m making. This is not a gimmick. I’m an artist NOT a bowling ball or a fishing bobber, so stop those jokes right now. I should be taken seriously."

Meanwhile, Bobble's mute and headless dancing body is playing to packed houses of cheering fans.

The End.

Wee Weed up with ObamaWeeds? Take Your Lawn Back!

Got weeds? A "weed" is any plant that is growing where it's not wanted. They are ugly plants that are just waiting for a chance to invade your beautiful south lawn, stretching their wicked roots and stealing from your lawn's producing plants.

You dig them out but they come roaring back. Frustrated, you think you've tried everything. You heard somewhere that if you denied the weed of water, it would shrivel and blow away.

So you try this...

Nope. Still here.

Don't get all 'Wee Weed Up'. There is a better way.


Grass roots will destroy weeds.

The best method of weed prevention is always a properly mowed and healthy stand of grass. Mowed high, your turf shades the soil, keeping sun and heat from reaching the weed seeds. Thick turf also helps with weed control by denying weeds the water and sunshine they need to gain a foothold.

TIME TO TAKE YOUR LAWN BACK!

Parallel Universe Thursday: Planned Fatherland and the trial of Dr. Mengele

Somewhere in a parallel universe (not that far away); a place where Germany won WWII...

Planned Fatherland is the largest provider of "reproductive health services" in Nazi Germany. Due to the Fuehrer's generous funding, Planned Fatherland has established numerous concentration clinics providing free services to poor Jewish, Christian and black peasants all across New Deutschland, or what was once known as America.

They have come a long way since the 1930s and '40s, when they were able to provide post-fertilization services to only about 6 million indigent Jews. Since then, they have expanded these free concentration contraception services to all who worship at the altar of the "Angel of Death" (but specifically targeted to eradicate from humanity the impure races of Jews and Africans). From 6 million to over 54 million served! Heil Dear Leader!

Earlier this week, Dr. Kermit Gosnell was found guilty. Not because he enjoyed killing thousands of babies by cutting their spinal cords with scissors. Not because he put late-term survivors in a toilet and amused himself by watching them swim. He was not found guilty because he stored remains of aborted fetuses in water jugs, pet food containers and a freezer at the clinic. After all, he was only following the techniques established by Planned Fatherland's founder, "Doctor" Josef Rudolf Mengele, who is famous for performing human experiments on children. 

No, Dr. Kermit Gosnell's crimes are much more heinous than those. You see, instead of quietly going about his spine snipping business behind closed doors, he made the mistake of bringing negative attention to himself and the Nazi ProgreSSive cause.

image via iowntheworld.com

Planned Fatherland issued this statement:
This verdict will ensure that no Jew is victimized in plain sight by Kermit Gosnell ever again. We must have and enforce laws that protect access to safe and legal torture and purging from society of the racially undesirable elements.

The life of a Jew after a botched gassing should be left up to the Kommandant, the fuehrer, and the physician.

"ProgreSSives" are the same in any universe, and by any other name would be as morally corrupt.

Will Obama order Jack Bauer to "Stand Down"?

'24,' Kiefer Sutherland Returning to Fox, Will Jack Bauer Soften with the Times?

Jack Bauer will be back to smash more terrorist cells, but will TV's toughest crime fighter still pull out all the stops to save innocent lives?

*Ring* *Ring* *Ring*

OBAMA: This better be good, you called me while I was in mid back swing and I'm under par.

JACK: Sorry Mister President. If it helps, you'll ALWAYS be under par to me. Anyways, I wanted to report a suspicious muslim person of interest at the Detroit Metro Airport who appears to have a pressure cooker in his backpack. May I shoot 'em in the thigh?

OBAMA: STAND DOWN Bauer!

JACK: But mister president...

OBAMA: There is no "there" there. Besides, we couldn't possibly get there, wherever "there" is, in time.
 
JACK: But I'm right here. Just give the order.

HILLARY: Ask him what difference at this point does it make!?

OBAMA: Mrs. Clinton says to ask you...

JACK: I HEARD HER! SIR, WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!... Wait... Hillary is golfing with you?

OBAMA: Not hardly Jack. She just carries my water jug. Joe is keeping score. Did I tell you I was under par?

JACK: Mister president, he is now boarding the plane. What would you like me to do about the terrorist?

OBAMA: Terrorist?... EXACTLY! I want you to find the domestic Tea Party individuals who must be responsible for radicalizing this poor youth. Investigate whether there has been another one of those disgusting videos of the prophet made.

Jack "Shoot 'em in the thigh!" Bauer may be back, but is he really needed these days? I mean, didn't the 'Bamster single handedly defeat terrorism by outlawing the use of that word?

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY To all of the Christian conservative women out there who celebrate life.

All others may kiss my ass. A pro-abortion/pro-death democrat (is there any other kind?) pretending to celebrate Mother's Day is like an atheist celebrating Christmas. You're not allowed (at least until you make a conversion in your heart).

Will Benghazi-gate put Halfbro out of business?

Guy Carnage, the company spokesman for Halfbro and maker of the popular Yahtzee-like dice game "Benghazi", came under fire from gamers yesterday when it was discovered the company lied to them about the rules. It has been reported that all references to "terrorists", "al-Qaida" and "islam" had been removed from the rules to confuse their main board game competitor over at The Patriot Brothers.

"Halfbro did not do twelve rules re-writes just so that it could pick the winners and losers, but rather made only a stylistic change to the rules," said a disheveled looking Carnage, as he white-knuckled the company podium.

It's still too early to tell if this scandal will put Halfbro out of business.

Here is the original scrubbed Game advertisement...

Benghazi, by Halfbro is a mix of all your favorite traditional board games, but with a twist.

It's like RISK, in that you start by placing your plastic game piece Diplomats on the board and decide whether to support them with security details. It's like Yahtzee, in that you can "roll the dice" on your diplomat's safety if you believe it might hurt your image. It's like Dungeons and Dragons, as a player is picked to be the Candy Mountain Dugeon Master Moderator who decides what monsters attack, and throwing flags at players she doesn't like. It's like Monopoly, only the opposite. Players who collect the most money by following the rules are considered out of touch and must be scorned. At the end of the game, the losers physically remove the money from a player who earned it to win the game.

Object: Score the most points by rolling dice then lying! Hilarious fun for the whole spontaneous mob!

Disclaimer: Disgusting video insulting the prophet not included.

Will Truth of Benghazi Escape Captivity From WH Basement?

OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?
TRUTH ABOUT BENGHAZI: "I've been kidnapped, and I've been missing for 8 months... And I'm here. I'm free now."

Today's hearings on Benghazi is an opportunity for truth to finally escape through the torn screen door, where it has been held captive and repeatedly raped in the White House basement for the last 8 months.

During Truth's captivity, the administration gave birth to a lie and named it "disgusting video of the prophet", and this baby was fed and nurtured and loved by the media (despite suspicions that the lie was a product of repeated rape of truth by Obama, Hillary, Susan Rice, and the rest of the WH gang)

PICTURED: Obama and Hillary:  The Lies of Benghazi
h/t Dag Barkley

Funny comic, funny man! But "if you've ever tripped and fallen while dodging imaginary Bosnian gunfire - hitting your head on your club-like cankle which resulted in a subdural hematoma of the transverse sinus venous thrombosis, you know how painful that can be."

HILLARY: What difference at this point does it make?

Some of Obama's neighbors spent Tuesday second-guessing themselves, questioning why they hadn't noticed signs earlier and if they could have prevented the horrors of lies regarding the Benghazi attack from the clutches of this criminal and inept administration.

"It was like nothing was happening. But yet it was happening, Truth was right in front of our face and we didn't even know." Oh sure, Some Republicans, Rush Limbaugh and Fox News have been saying from the beginning that they could see Truth's face peeking out of the greasy, grimy White House basement window and hear her faint screams for help, we just didn't want to believe them.

It's just incredible Truth may leak out from this horrendous nightmare, alive and safe today. Please welcome Truth with love. She needs to be embraced and welcomed back into society after her long and terrible hiatus.

Today's Benghazi hearing will either lead to Truth's long overdue freedom, or more likely the complicit mainstream state-controlled media will simply attack the three neighbor whistle-blowers who kicked in the door and rescued Truth.

As Americans, we need to stand up and stop the media from killing Truth and dragging her lifeless corpse through the streets again.

A GR Woman using Facebook to Harass Herself is Pure Michigan

A 52-year-old woman from the Grand Rapids area is accused of creating a Facebook account to stalk herself.

...authorities learned that she set up a Facebook account with her ex-boyfriend's information and made it appear that his new girlfriend was using it to harass her.

This is outrageous. For all of the hundreds of false Facebook accounts I've set up to friend myself (12 are still 'pending'), I can honestly say that NOT ONE has harassed me yet. 

Well, there was that time when Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, kept FB poking me. But other than that, I've had nothing but positive inspirational quotes and new recipe ideas out of the transactions.

Oh sure, then there was the time when Charlie Manson was FB "Hexting" me with a Smuggled Cell Phone from his prison cell.


In conclusion, technology is responsible for so many more creative outlets for us disturbed individuals. Can you imagine what Sybil's Facebook profile would look like if the fictional character were alive today? (FULL DISCLOSURE: Sybil is a FB friend of mine)

Hotline installed to report Guv'ment haters? I think they're gonna need to add more lines

Awesome news. Sheriff initiating $1 million dollar hotline encouraging Floridians to report their neighbors whom they suspect might hate the "guv'ment".


Some day in the not-so-distant future, this may be viewed as a significant turning point event. It may even be the needed tonic to reinvigorate the movie franchise Smokey and the Bandit. I can almost see it now...

(cue wavy lines signifying time travel to the future)

OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?

NEIGHBOR: Yah, I think I got one of dem Tea Party fellas next door. I heard him bragging that he had one of dem Bible thingys and a loaded weapon in his home, and even some bottles of something called "anti- bacterial soap," whatever the Bush that is. I even heard him insult the prophet, peace be unto him.

OPERATOR: We'll send the Civilian Security Force right away!

Sandwich Board Sign Guy breaks glass ceiling

"I couldn't be prouder of this Sandwich Board Sign Guy for coming out", Obama says. "I'm so impressed by his courage. Sandwich Board Sign Guy has opened the door for so many Americans, not just those who share a desire to discuss this topic, but those who want to wear it on a large sign in traffic like they lost a bet."

In other news, Rapid Realty employees are being offered a 15% raise if they get a company logo tattoo. "I made this offer while I was hammered drunk and regretted it the next day," stated the company owner. "Looks like I'm stuck with it now." Meanwhile, an employee who wants the raise but doesn't want to desecrate her body is wearing a sandwich Board sign with the company's logo. "It's tough to sit at my desk with the sign, but I'll sue if I don't get my raise," she said.

Did Gay NBA Player "Walk it Back" (or is this another satirical post to amuse myself)?

The day after NBA player Jason Collins was being hailed for coming out as the first male athlete in professional team sports to publicly announce he's gay now says he was misunderstood.

"When I said I was "gay", I only meant that I was happy and carefree," Collins said.

There is a question whether another NBA team will take a chance on Collins, for fear the homosexual 7-feet and 255 pound center would become a distraction in their locker room. 

"I'm telling you man, I AM NOT HOMOSEXUAL!," insisted Collins, unsuccessfully trying to walk it back to save the back end of his career. "OK, nevermind. My back end is totalled." "I guess my locker room towel snapping days are over."

It is being reported that the PC NBA will be under pressure to get the "light in the sneakers" Collins under contract, regardless of any talent that is still left in his 36-year-old body.

As CNN's Anderson Cooper queeries, "Can he still pound the rock?" 

If we've learned anything since 2008 with Obama's election as the first partially black male with questionable sexual orientation, the American people have proclaimed loud and clear that skill and ability doesn't matter.

Speaking of Obama, he called an emergency press conference in order to preemptively label NBA teams that do not offer Collins a contract as "terrorist organizations". "It's premature to use thaaat 'T' word in relation to those rambunctious Benghazi and Boston bomber students who may have watched a disgusting video insulting the prophet, peace be unto him. But its not premature to label any General Manager as a terrorist if they refuse to pursue Collins. I'm sure they have one of them Christians they can run off their team to make room".

Asked what executive orders he might be contemplating with regards to Collins, Obama stated he would bring him on his staff if necessary. "He could help me with my free throws", joked Obama. "I'll find out first hand if he can still take it hard to the rim!"

Now that the NBA has broken the glass ceiling by allowing a gay player in, do you think the WNBA will follow suit and allow any straight women in?

Planned Martyrdom Battleround between Two Persons of Interest

To "progressives", there is no actual God, so when El Diablobama utters this blasphemy in the same breath as this abortion mill, it's just a figure of speech which means, "collective and enlightened libs".

 To El Diablobma - God blesses the murder of innocent life?
To Zubeidat - it could be worse. You could have been responsible for giving birth to obama. Now back to your cave!

Take your Child to Candy Island Day

I usually ignore TV commercials (or use them as an opportunity to "powder my nose") but I LOVE those AT&T "It's not complicated" commercials with the funny kids and the straight-laced adult. (BTW, when I say I am going to "powder my nose", what I really mean is that I am going to "powder the bathroom")

My favorite AT&T commercial has to be 'Saving Money: Island Made of Candy'. I mean, WHO wouldn't want to live on Candy Island, where all is right with the world and everything is perfect (except maybe for the teeth)?

I thought of Candy Island when I read this story...
Flint Journal-MLive does Take Your Child to Work Day

Maybe the reason is because I looked at the story's accompanying pictures with curiosity, having never set foot inside these plush, new MLive studios on Saginaw Street in downtown Flint. Having spent my 31 years in the newspaper business just across the road in the old Flint Journal complex on the corner of Harrison and First Street, these are not the mental imagines that come to mind when I think "newspaper facility". Where are the cardboard ovals laid out on the flooring to protect it from pressmen's inky shoes? This facility does look spectacular, although maybe a bit sterile for my taste.

Time heals all wounds, and like the majority of my friends I grew up with in that business, we have found other venues for our talents. (though I worry about "Scoop", for as hard as it is to teach an old dog new tricks, just imagine if you were an old newspaper mascot. Who would hire that guy?)

So here's to Candy Island. May you find it where ever you happen to be.

Ladybug Flash Mob

The plan to combat an aphid problem in the Mall of America by releasing 72,000 Ladybugs has backfired.

Though some shoppers have complained that the ladybugs might fly onto food, a mall spokesperson noted that the insects tend to spend their lives on plants, not human food.

And this mall in Minnesota has "more than 30,000 live plants, including about 400 trees." Hence, the aphid problem.

So far, the ladybugs have left people food alone, but what mall managers did not bank on was the numerous flash bug mobs throughout the day involving these devilish half-sphered spotted beetles.

"It's a concern," stated Clyde The Mall Cop. "On top of everything else in this high stressed security job, nows we gotta worry about a spontaneous song and dance routine from a bunch of feminist bugs!"

One mall shopper shared his frightening encounter, as he sat in the cafeteria at center court.

I was minding my own business and eating a soft hot pretzel. It happened so quickly and seemingly out of nowhere! A single ladybug jumped out from behind a nearby pillar and began to dance. At first it was entertaining, yet pointless. Then another ladybug, who had until then escaped notice by blending in as just another shopper with a shopping bag, joined the first in a hauntingly melodic ladybug duo. Next thing you know, thousands more suddenly appeared - flapping and buzzing around in perfect Coccinellidae Choreography! Some are playing trumpets and miniature little snare drums, others buzzing in harmony as they leaned over a balcony, and still others performed break dancing routines - spinning wildly on their cute little half sphere shelled backs. Then the next thing you know, they just disappeared again and the mall returned to normal. BTW, ladybugs are actually quite tasty when smothered in mustard.

Frank Costanza posited on Seinfeld about roosters, hens and chickens. I wonder what he would ask about the ladybug. In conclusion, I now have another reason not to like shopping. I know I shouldn't be "scarabed", they're just beetles.

I write, you learn.

To say that Dzhokhar and his older brother, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, were motivated by religion, is like saying Socrates was motivated by a hemlock energy drink.
Moral: All beverages ARE NOT created equal. Some promise nothing but death by consumption.Others, eternal satiation. Like Diet Coke, only better.

Anagrams of the day: (created with names spelled with individual scrabble tiles, shaking them up in a Yahtzee cup and spilling them on my vibrating electronic football game until the hidden message appears...)

INPUT: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev
OUTPUT: Dark Haze, Short Van
(is that like a "short bus" for Islamofacists?)

INPUT: Tamerlan Tsarnaev
OUTPUT: Actually several, and they all have roughly the same theme. They are...
Avatar Rentals Men
A Manservant Later
Anal Tamers Tavern (an afterlife prison reserved for these "religious" scum that makes Guantanamo look like the Hilton)