Hey NIKE, while you're down there...

This blog is 100% free of awkward man hugs (just kidding)

Brett Kavanaugh's training camp is now over. Democrats are promising to act up since they suspect he believes in upholding the constitution - in direct opposition to their core. It's time to see if he has the eye of the tiger. I just hope there isn't that awkward man hug after he is confirmed...

COMING SOON! FIRST BANNER

Canadian actor Ryan Gosling to star in Universal Pictures' First Banner, the riveting story of the great seamstress, Betsy Ross. Legend has it that in 1776 and while working in her upholstery shop in New Jersey, Betsy Ross got a visit from General George Washington. He wanted her to design and sew a flag for a new nation. However, First Banner will focus on Betsy's life prior to this alleged visit. Gosling gives the performance of his life in his compelling first-person  portrayal of Betsy Ross, as she sews and repairs uniforms and upholstered chairs and other various assorted colonial sundry. "Betsy was a standout with the scissors," stated Gosling, as he adjusted his frilly shift. "It was a human achievement."

Do animals mourn? Do RINOs grieve? Is the Pope Catholic?

What happens when an old elephant dies?

Death rituals in the animal kingdom The parade of elephants that followed may – in some deep, fundamental way – be no different from those who gather to pay respects to a dignitary lying in state. Over the course of several days, the carcass was visited by five other elephant groups including several families that were completely unrelated (Bushies?) ... The elephants sniffed and poked the body, touching it with their feet and trunks. Even though the carcass had been visited by jackals, hyenas, vultures, (democrats?) and was under the control of lions by the fourth day, the elephants were rarely more than a few hundred metres away during daylight hours.

Hypothetically speaking - I'ts not clear whether the over-sized daughter of the deceased uses the funeral as an occasion to bash a former rival bull of her father. On second thought, I doubt that. I'm guessing actual elephants in the animal kingdom probably keep it classy and instead focus on the celebration of the loved-ones life (even if the crusty old bastard elephant was an asshole).

Researchers also discovered that dolphins will visit and guard the body of one of their own for several days, pushing "at the carcass with their beaks and heads" with some even performing songs through a series of clicks and whistles, like the classic - "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Bottlenose Dolphin."

It's not clear whether any dolphins use this occasion to trash the former rival bull of a recently deceased elephant. I doubt that. I'm guessing actual dolphins in the oceans probably keep it classy.

Crows also perform funeral rituals, diving and swooping and emitting calls that summon other birds. Researchers still have no idea whether an old, sick crow can foresee it's own impending death - and if so, plans it's own funeral as an opportunity to settle scores by not inviting any individuals in the flock it's diseased mind considers "wacko birds." If the dying crow was really sick and twisted, it might even not invite a loyal Alaskan magpie to dive and swoop at his rotting corpse just out of spite and to throw darts from beyond the grave.

Nah. Birds wouldn't harbor that degree of rancor and bitterness.

So do, in fact, animals actually mourn, or like human RINOS and democrats - do they simply fling their poo?

Impeach Pope Francey Pants

As a practicing Catholic, I have held my tongue (and pen) when it has come to a desire to complain about Pope Francis. I have refrained. After all, do I think I am a better Catholic than El Papa? But after his silence and non response to these recent allegations of his involvement and cover up for these predator priests, I am entitled to my opinion, and my opinion is that the upper echelons of the Church must be cleansed of all pedophiles, homosexuals and perverts - included the cowards who were complicit by turning a blind eye to this abuse. Whatever Pope Francis' role, he is no longer capable of leading the Church.

Matthew 16:18 And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.

The Church will survive. After all, I DID NOT LEAVE THE COUNTRY, nor did I take a knee during the playing of our national anthem during the 8 years of Obama's reign, as he methodically eviscerated the principles of our founding, our constitution, our culture and our military. No sir! I stood and placed a hand on my heart in patriotism and respict (sic - don't want Sharton to accuse me of racism) for the ideals on which the country was founded - not for the numbnuts socialist who had then occupied the highest office. The same holds true now with the Church.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'm not homophobic and I do believe that its none of my business what pedophiles do in the privacy of their own cell block. Just not in the Vatican and not in my church.

I see what you're trying to do there, Satan, but I'm not leaving. I guess I'm just an original recipe Coke kinda guy. I'm not "fed" by the level of charisma of the pastor, I am fed by the Real Presence of the Holy Eucharist. For like Simon Peter, in answer to Jesus' question to the twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” (John 6:64-69) My answer is the same. “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

No time to be a maverick

McCain's Urn of Ashes to Complete Term?

* In good news, he now qualifies for Obamacare.

Bird brained

Parrots able to make complex economic decisions, study shows

Parrots can make complex economic decisions, at least according to German scientists. 33 macaws and African grey parrots were taught to recognise the value of tokens which could be exchanged for food as part of the experiment at the Max Planck Institute in Germany. The birds then had to invest their tokens, either in low-value immediate rewards, or high-value but more expensive rewards. The most patient parrots could exchange their tokens for pieces of walnut, while the less determined traders were stuck with dry corn or sunflower seeds.

While only parrots took part in the original study (Nine great green macaws, eight blue-throated macaws, eight blue-headed macaws and eight African grey parrots) - Part II was conducted in the Chattering Teeth Studios scientific lab adjacent to the cocktail bar and pool spa and included one democrat socialist.

Test results are not yet complete, as the democrat socialist keeps stealing the other bird's nuts and seeds.

New Series Plans to Focus on the New Orleans Saints Male Cheerleader Competition

Jesse Hernandez may have come out on top, but that doesn't mean there wasn't competition and drama along the way...

That's right! This Fall!! NFL Films presents a Prime Original Series...

YOU GO GIRLS!

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You will kneel right along with the overpaid and America-hating players. Of course, you'll be taking a knee next to the toilet in order to vomit, but hey! Solidarity!

SHOCKING DISCOVERY IN MAR'S WATER! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT SCIENTISTS ARE NOW SAYING!

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Last week, scientists announced the discovery of liquid water beneath the surface of Mars. Breaking news updates are now coming directly from an old Ham Radio in the basement bunker of the sprawling Chattering Teeth News complex. The same orbiter with ice-penetrating radar that discovered this liquid water NOW suggests that this water is COMPLETELY FILLED with ancient DISPOSABLE PLASTIC DRINKING STRAWS!

"The scientific community has always wondered why we couldn't find any evidence whatsoever of sea turtles meandering the surface of Mars. Now we have a working theory," stated a steely-eyed missile man who wished to remain anonymous.

Scientists still admit that they don't know the origin of these disposable plastic straws on Mars, but have long understood the propensity of these evil products of capitalism to migrate towards Earth's oceans and to attack the nasal passages of sea creatures.

Is it such a big leap to speculate that millions of years ago there might have been a vibrant Martian population living in harmony with herds of paddling sea turtles, and that eventually the Martians evolved opposable thumbs necessary to then invent Big Gulps and disposable plastic drinking straws - only for these straws to become sentient and invade the oceans in order to kill these turtles?

Is this lifeless planet a precursor for things to come for Earth unless we are able to break our addiction for these straws and instead use sippy cups?

Scientist also state that these recently discovered drinking straws are the traditional red and white striped variety and likely the reason for this planet's reddish hue.

I will keep you updated the minute I receive any more broadcasts on my honeybaked ham... at least until lunch time. After that, no promises that I will still have a working radio.

THE END

Asshat Rouhiney has Laundry Issues

Obama ain't your b*tch anymore.

Inversed

President Trump's (fill-in-the-blank) is nothing short of treasonous!

Trump's (fill-in-the-blank) was one of most disgraceful performances by a US President!

So the leftists are outraged at President Trump again, and I am supposed to care?

If the amount of caring about something could be quantified and categorized in degrees on a geometric ray displayed horizontally from left to right, whereby the left endpoint 'A' represents a total lack of empathy dedicated to a subject, and every successive point traveling to the right along the ray towards the arrowhead symbolizing infinity is a measureable increase in the amount of concern I feel
- I am never quite able to reach a "full capacity" of caring, as there is always a possibility for additional solicitude. If I were to declare, "I could care less" as my position on this ray for a certain topic, it would mean that I was dedicating some degree of burden, albeit potentially just an infinitesimal sliver('B'). If "I could care less", then by definition, "I care more than nothing". Maybe a lot more, in which case I could specify by stating "I could care tremendously less" which implies a simplified version as "I care"('C').

However,  with regards to the media and their "outrage at Trump" -  I am located at endpoint 'A', it means my level of "care" is a black void of total and utter indifference. That is to say that "I couldn't care less".

Tomorrow's lesson, a pie graph of "not giving a sh*t" and  "People who claim to give 110%". Please remember to bring your protractors. Class dismissed.

a noble gas

BREACH OF PROTOCOL?

Crop dusting?

Brent Kavanaugh's Path To Confirmation

This is how he gets in...

Chattering Teeth News - Brett M. Kavanaugh needed 51 votes to become the Supreme Court's next associate justice, and with Republicans holding a 51-49 majority in the Senate, it sounded like a slam dunk. However, with Arizona Sen. John McCain off on sick leave and with Susan Collins of Maine and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska uncomfortable with Kavanaugh's refusal to outright guarantee he would not restrict or outright overturn Roe v. Wade if given the chance, it was clear during the senate confirmation hearings that his nomination would go down in flames.

The democrats were always going to vote as a block against any of the president's picks, and now with the fake Republicans Collins and Murkowski, they held the 51 votes to Bork the jurist with the frat boy name. Kavanaugh had promised repeatedly during the spirited process to follow the law of judicial precedent as it related to the democrat's unholy sacrament of abortion rights, and even offered to change his frat boy first name to more palatable gender-neutral name of "Merrick" or "Barrack".

At first, Coach K believed he was making headway. That is until Dianne Feinstein accused him of putting a pube on her Coke can which motivated Elizabeth "Pocahontas" Warren to initiate her war dance in full Indian headdress regalia. It was clear to all in the chamber that Kavanaugh was no longer a viable nominee and instead was an unwanted tissue mass and just a clump of cells to the democrats.

Thinking quickly, Kavanaugh eyed a near-term pregnant democrat in the audience holding a NARAL sign. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he grabbed the women and threw her down on his desktop. The stunned senators watched in horror as Brett performed a flawless partial-birth extraction of the fetus. He the plunged his pocket knife into the back of the baby's skull before completely extracting it by grabbing a tiny ankle and thrusting it towards the jaw-gaping senators.

"Nobody can tell me what unspeakable macabre acts of horror I can do with my body," Kavanaugh eloquently stated through his maniacal giggle. 

For a full 30 seconds, nothing could be heard on the senate floor except the echo of dripping blood from the now dead baby. And then the democrat side of the chamber erupted into raucous applause.

Kavanaugh was confirmed with 51 votes, getting the 49 democrat and independents as well as with the defections of Collins and Murkowski.

THE END

Political Pigskin

It's 2nd down and inches to go from the 50 yard line with 2 minutes left in the ballgame. You are down 2 points and your opponent has all of their time outs remaining. Since halftime, your halfback has been averaging 5 yards per carry and your quarterback has been flawless.

While there are no 100% guarantees, the obvious play is for a hand off to the running back and ramming the ball up the middle. Odds are good for a first down with plenty of time left on the clock. If not, there is always a 3rd down. Maybe a play action and quick throw over the middle. Keep 'em guessing. But what makes no sense at all is for the coach to call for a 65-yard field goal attempt on 2nd down and into the wind.

That's what Trump has done with this Kavanaugh pick.