Sunday, August 30, 2020

"Rumpelstiltskin" Say his name!

 


In the photo, White Woke college kids surround and confronts a white female diner outside a D.C. restaurant, chanting “White silence is violence!” and demanding she show solidarity for Rumpelstiltskin. Then her husband, Inigo Montoya, returns from the restroom and sees these White Woke college kids surrounding his wife, and promptly unholsters his concealed 9mm and says, "I do not think the word 'violence' means what you think it means."


In the fairy tale, Rumpelstiltskin is an imp-like creature who has the ability to spin worthless straw into gold, and trades the fruits of this skill in exchange for your first-born sons. Rumpelstiltskin is sort of like Bernie Sanders, except Bernie's spinning wheel only produces fool's gold. However, he'll take your children just the same.


A Chattering Teeth Fairy Tale - 


Once upon a time, well-meaning Christian parents sent their baptized children off to college, assuming they would be taught authentic truths and critical thinking. These loving parent's hope was that those 4 years would be spent with fervent study, development and maturity, and that ultimately this time would provide a complimentary layer - like peanut butter on the bread - that worked in union with their core Christian and family values they worked to instill during the child's formative years.


But instead of these children getting instruction from competent purveyors of actual "Truth, Justice, and the American Way," they spent four long years being indoctrinated by tenured marxist, atheist professors who filled these kid's skulls with godless drivel and America-hating white guilt. While their parents assumed they were getting the aforementioned peanut butter in the classrooms, they were instead force-fed the shit sandwiches of progressivism where "up is down," and truth is scorned. 


They were taught to accuse their parent's and those that still embraced objective reality as "science deniers," while they themselves claimed that SUVs and cow farts were destroying the planet, that gender was somehow a social construct, and - most sinister of all - that baby's lives in the womb didn't matter. 


Some of the biggest lies, half-truths and falsehoods taught were on the topic of American history. While these kids had the absolute good fortune to have been born in the greatest country in the history of mankind and therefore be filled with gratitude - they instead learned that they should hate America, the genius founding fathers, the awe-inspiring Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States. 


Instead of falling to their knees in praise and thanks to God Almighty, they were taught by academia, the fake news media, Hollywood elitists and ignorant multi-million-dollar sports figures to kneel in disrespect for our flag and our country. They were filled with more lies that the country is systemically racist. 


They made heroes out of drug-crazed criminals who were killed by police, stating that they were hunted by law enforcement because of the color of their skin and not because they were resisting arrest. They used these false-narratives as a catalyst to pillage, riot and burn down buildings and businesses in the democrat-led cities where they were given free reign to do so. 


Meanwhile, since academia, the fake news media, Hollywood elitists and ignorant multi-million-dollar sports figures ignore the daily bloody massacre of blacks at the hands of other blacks in the big cities (not to mention the black genocide of abortion), they weren't given a second thought by these Woke White college kids either.


But why work so hard to fill these young skulls with so much hate and violence, falsely dressed up as compassion and enlightenment? Because that is the only way to dismantle the civil society built by a religious people of rugged individualism in a capitalist system and replace it with a socialist utopia. For if truth had been taught, then it would be recognized by any rational person that socialism in any form has never worked in the history of mankind. That socialism ultimately leads to rationing, misery, death and destruction at the hands of the all-powerful State. 


Indeed, had there been truth in their instruction, then not even an inebriated, video-game-playing college kid would believe that putting the word "Democratic" in front of the ruinous word "socialism" would somehow transform it into a viable and desirable alternative.


"But health care is a human right!," they will chant. "Yah! Free health care! And while we're at it, free college!... and, and, and THIS flat screen TV! The store owner has insurance, after all! So don't throw that Molotov cocktail just yet... Free TVs!!"


Where will the money come from to pay for all this free stuff? I guess with the piles of cash accumulated after defunding the police and turning our cities into segmented Chaz-like strongholds comprised of White Woke college kids.

Or maybe they expect for the rest of us hardworking stiffs to spin them gold out of our blood, sweat and toil so it can be confiscated and fairly redistributed to the imp-like creature, "Rumpelstiltskin".


Will you say his name?





Saturday, August 29, 2020

Trump & 11-year-old Frank Take Out Rioters

Chattering Teeth News - President Donald Trump invoked the Insurrection Act last night and took back the streets of DC with overwhelming support. "This was not the time for half measures," stated Trump, explaining why he brought in 11-year-old Frank from Virginia. 



These blue-haired and gender -confused rioters never knew what hit them, as Frank plowed through the masses. What the mower missed, the smoke-emitting carburetor finished, sending these anarchists back to their parent's basements with hurt feelings.


Frankie now promises to fire up his weed wacker and take out the weed wack job Democrats in the House.

Monday, August 24, 2020

Trump to win!


 


Who doesn't love the painting of dogs playing poker? (don't answer that) But if you didn't before, now you will absolutely have to own a print of this canine classic made even better! Just send me a check for $19.999 plus your blank presidential mail-in ballot, and I will send you one of these beauties. 


COMING SOON: Velvet Elvis Votes Trump

Saturday, August 22, 2020

Democrats Push For Voting By E-Mail

OFFICIAL EMAIL BALLOT ENCLOSED DO NOT DELAY

Pleased for you to receive from me this email, which I believe to surprise to you. I am big business banker who lives in basement during cold & flu season, so I will be pleased to see if you can help me with voting transaction. Please for you to transfer payment of $5000 today from United States Treasury into my PayPal account (The Nigerian Prince) for compensate of my email expenses and accept my vote for 2020 president candidate, Joe Biden.

P.S. - I have the mandate of two of my senior colleagues to search discreetly and diligently, and they also to make vote mark for Joe Biden. Please to accept this email for 3 votes for Joe Biden which would be of mutual benefit to all.

Best Regards,


Biden: "Once all of the millions, billions and trillions of votes are counted, I will be the... you know, the thing!"

Democrats are pushing hard for voting by mail, with States sending unsolicited millions of ballots out to long-dead individuals and even family pets from voter rolls not scrubbed in decades.  They might as well conduct Ballot Drops from planes and helicopters over the poor neighborhoods to ensure they are not disenfranchised by that bad orange man. 


Their purpose is obvious. They will flood the country with ballots in order to cheat and to overwhelm the system and throw the otherwise landslide win in 2020 for Trump in chaos. 

They never have accepted the results of the 2016 election, and have been trying to overthrow a duly elected president ever since. They are traitors and conspirators. They spied and lied, and after impeaching the president on falsehoods - then passed around pulitzers to the marxist mouthpieces in the complicit fake media.

Throw in a conspiracy that Trump is trying to dismantle the post office, and you have a recipe for more chaos and blood in the streets - a democrat specialty. 

 

Are you ready?


Thursday, August 20, 2020

Sunday, August 16, 2020

Not a Good Year for this elk

A trail camera recently recorded this elk with a tire necklace in the wild southwest of Denver. Officials believe it's the same elk that was spotted through a scope a year ago doing donuts in a nearby field. The elk appears no worse for wear, though the tread is getting thin, as elk can easily walk 7 to 10 miles a day. Officials would like to catch him and remove the tire, although he is a youngster and is nowhere near retirement.


Residents are being asked to search for his tracks by looking for a symmetric tread pattern indicating extra wear on the sidewall. By this time, he may have picked up a screw.

Experts say the best chance of finding and tranquilizing the elk is during rut season. Rut season must be what we refer to as pothole season in these parts. 

This can't end well for the poor elk. It seems like every time concerned humans try to help an animal... I always think of the seal that was cleaned up after an oil spill and finally released into the jaws of a waiting Orca to the horror of the gender-confused marine biologists on the shoreline.  

Here is my prediction for the poor elk, if it is captured and the tire removed.


At least he will soon be joining Harambe, Cecil and Pedals the bear in animal heaven.


Saturday, August 15, 2020

Today's Chattering Teeth Science Headlines

This is NOT an X-ray of Joe Biden's skull, but rather that of a fish head that shows a vampire parasite masquerading as the fish's living tongue. (yep, it's a thing)


If at first blush you assumed it was an x-ray of Joe Biden's skull, you can be excused for this common error. In fact, the similarities are frightening.

On one hand, you have an unfortunate host who has had it's tongue devoured and replaced in the still-living victim by a buglike isopod, also known as a tongue biter or tongue-eating louse (but his friends call him George Soros). 

This other photo is just some fish with a crustacean for a tongue.


What is still not yet known is whether the fish with the hitchhiking sea monkey tongue that is putting words in the fish's mouth will just be a figurehead for the radical left.

(if you stand at the top of the stairs leading to the Biden's basement, you might hear Joe singing a tune...)

Under the sea

Under the sea

Darling it's better

Down where it's wetter

Take it from me

Up on the shore they work all day

Out in the sun they slave away

While we devotin'

Full time to floatin'

Under the sea

and just because we have displayed this picture of a man with no functioning brain, here is a picture of a man with two brains.


In other science news:

A world-renowned climate scientist who predicted 40 years ago that we only had 20 years left before the ice caps were completely melted- was killed by ice in Greenland.


Who is DaBlade, and why should I believe everything he says?: I am a dedicated part-time independent self-proclaimed Scientolomologist and self-described world renowned leader in sciency stuff. I think I probably have a much higher science IQ than you do. The first year of my blog I decided I didn’t want to be a blogmaster and ended up in the bottom two-thirds of the internet and then decided I wanted to stay and went back to the internet and in fact ended up in the top half of my blog class. I am self-taught and went to home school in my basement on a full academic scholarship. I won the international Woot-court competition. I was the outstanding student in the photoshop'd meme department (as an undergraduate). I graduated with three degrees from undergraduate home school and I’d be delighted to sit back and compare my IQ to yours if you’d like, Frankly. Of course, that may all be damnable lies, but who's paying attention?


Sunday, August 2, 2020

"Lunch Bucket" Joe in Biden's Basement Playhouse!

I remember watching Pee-wee's Playhouse every Saturday morning in my youth from 1986 to 1990 (my late 20's).  I'm not sure if I was the target demographic, but that sh@# was funny. 

Pee Wee , a/k/a Paul Reubens, eventually lost his gig after being arrested in a theater for indecent exposure, which made me think of Joe Biden. We already KNOW Biden is a pervert, with all of the pictures circulating of him smelling & biting young, white girls. 

So what better replacement for Pee Wee as host of a re-imagined Playhouse than "Lunch Bucket" Joe in Biden's Basement Playhouse! 



The premise of the original show (per wiki) is that Pee-wee Herman plays in his fantastic Playhouse in Puppetland. The premise of the reboot will be that Lunch Bucket Joe hides out in his suburban basement in Dementialand. 

All of the original characters return, as the Basement is filled with toys, gadgets, talking furniture and appliances. Hillarity ensues, as the only one who can hear the talking inanimate objects in Dementialand is Lunch Bucket Joe. 



The show will follow the original format, with a stream of guests like Pantsuit Hillary, Crypt keeper Ruthie Ginsburg, Googly-eyed Cowboy Booker, The Dancing Bartender AOC, and the Jihad Twins Rashida Tlaib & Ilhan Omar, just to name a few.

There will be a Show and Tell and animal segment, with the pilot featuring numerous black children bringing in a boxes of roaches while our beloved host is soaking in an onstage kiddie pool. The children reportedly will reach in the pool and rub his blonde leg hairs down while the country continues to burn thru the cartoon window, HAHAHA!

NARRATOR: And now kids, it's time for our weekly cartoon, The Adventures of Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldier!

This show is filmed before a live studio audience of prepubescent girls for the host to sniff during commercial breaks. 

Secret word of the day... Malarkey!

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Covid Face Masks on a Stick!

Do your glasses fog up from breathing while wearing the mandatory face mask? Has this fogged vision almost caused an accident while driving by yourself inside a 120-degree car with the windows up? Do the mask loops make your ears stick out, resembling an out-of-control taxi barreling down the street with the driver's and passenger's doors open? Do you feel like you are being waterboarded when swimming with your cloth mask? 

Hi, Billy Mays here for the new Covid Face Masks on a Stick!

This new handheld stick mask is the latest type of face mask approved by the State! It is no less effective at protecting the wearer against virus particles as the ear loop cloth masks, but JUST AS EFFECTIVE in virtue-signaling the holder as an obedient citizen and member of the subjugated collective!

This same mask-on-a-stick technology was used in Venetian masks and have been since antiquity in concealing the identity, whether at a masquerade or in daily life. The masks served an important social purpose of keeping every citizen on an equal playing field. Was the masked person a servant or a nobleman? WHO CARES! Because when everyone wears a mask, there are no individual faces and only ONE acceptable voice. Say hello to your neighbor, turned State inquisitor, for me!

Right about now I imagine you saying, "Billy, why would I want a mask that I have to hold, effectively making me one-handed? And didn't you die from Covid back in 2009?"

While the citizen is required to hold the mask up to the face when in public indoor and crowded outdoor spaces, stick masks enable the wearer to eat and drink efficiently because of the ease in lowering the mask and sitting it on the ground. And since your Covid Face Mask on a Stick doesn't anchor on your face with those silly one-size-fits-none loops - NO SORE EARS! 

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! 

How many times have you witnessed a person in non-compliance by not wearing a face mask and selfishly putting your life in danger - not from the virus (again, for which they're less than useless) - but from your self-righteous narcissistic indignation causing you to hyperventilate carbon dioxide through your mask!? Well, just snap their picture via the miniature camera in the face mask stick and have the built-in Bluetooth technology automatically send the perpetrator's likeness to the nearest police station. 

Call now and get your Covid Mask on a Stick with built-in camera AND we'll throw in the state-of-the-art Barcode hand implant for convenient identification and making payments so easy in the new cashless society. 

Call right now and we'll double the offer. Just pay separate shipping and handling. 

Order now! 

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Trump Monument Protection Plan Includes Living Statues this July 4th Weekend

Chattering Teeth News - On President Donald Trump's order, Homeland Security officials have deployed across the country ahead of July Fourth to protect federal monuments.


Trump stated that the leftist mob will not be allowed to tear down our history.

These 'woke' losers and cowards comprising antifa and their white, liberal indoctrinated marxist democrat protesters with their virtue-signaling Black Lives Matter signs supporting this garbage group of human debris may get the surprise of their young and aimless lives. For the next statue they try to pull down or otherwise desecrate may actually be one of the 1,776 law enforcement officials deployed this holiday weekend and dressed as Living Statues.

These "Statues" are all ex-Special Forces and are ready to administer a choke hold to the belligerent protesters, or emergency benadryl to any who surrender and our frightened and triggered by the sound of fireworks symbolizing our American freedom.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

Monday, May 25, 2020

Get busy living

This post was inspired by our good neighbors in Indiana, and this recently erected billboard just over our shared border...



The Gretchskank Redemption
...is loosely based on the movie Shawshank Redemption, but instead of a population of confined inmates doing hard time and pining about the days they used to be free, the Shawshank Redemption is just about some prison.


These prison walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them. That's institutionalized. They send you here for life, that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyways.



In the movie "Shawshank" in that clip above, Red is talking about Brooks.  In the movie, the old man was a fish out of water after having gained his freedom. SPOILER: It doesn't end well for him.

In the remake, the character of Brooks is played by all of the judgmental mask-wearers who cling to their useless pieces of clothe (or in Alyssa Milano's case, their crocheted face mask). What will they do when these masks are no longer required by the local retailer or staying home is no longer mandated by The State?

This is Brooks.
Brooks is a mask-wearer.
Brooks loves his mask even though its useless.
Brooks is lost now without his mask.
Brooks is institutionalized.
Be like Andy

Speaking of our good friend Andy Dufresne, he is summoned to the Warden's Office.




WARDEN WHITMER: Nothing stops. Nothing, or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protection from the guards, I'll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the Sodomites.

Andy doesn't like the Warden and everything that she spews from her piehole. Andy heard there is freedom out there and wants to find it.

RED: But Indiana's way the hell down there and you're in here...
ANDY: "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying."

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Cuomo Retrofits Central Park Revolutionary Cannon - Goes On The Offensive To Battle The Virus



Chattering Teeth news - Gov. Andrew Cuomo, D-N.Y. has been widely criticized by the partisan right for sending elderly COVID-19 positive patients into the city's nursing homes, causing the spread of the coronavirus and 4,800 deaths.

But Gov. Cuomo is sly like a fox, as he has had the Central Park Revolutionary War Cannon refurbished and fully loaded with 800 grams of live gunpowder, cotton wadding and a cannon ball. Cuomo began a barrage of cannon fire and began targeting these hotspots early Tuesday evening.

MSNBC's Stephanie Ruhle now getting slammed for her 'softball interview' with Cuomo amid the 'cannonball run' nursing home controversy.

“While I have you, you have been criticized for your comments about nursing homes. Some people say you did not act quickly enough, too little, too late. What is your response to that criticism?” the MSNBC anchor asked.

"I’m getting criticized now for doing too much," Cuomo responded. "We will have lost many Americans in this, but the only solace we’re going to be able to take is we can say we did everything we could in flattening the city skyline curve where this feeding frenzy exists."

PICTURED: Located at Fourth Avenue and 101st Street in Brooklyn, the Fort Hamilton Rodman Gun is said to soon be operational and used if any newly opened businesses or daycare centers begin exhibiting signs of a second curve.

"Besides, its just a bunch of old people. None of us democrats care about them," Cuomo continued. "We've isolated the contagion and are now taking systematic steps to eradicate this virus."

The governor addressed a band of useful idiot reporters and said "nobody" should be prosecuted for the those who died, noting that "older people" were most vulnerable in this cannon ball assault on the virus.

Pictured: Gov Cuomo visits the site of where the Harlem Center for Nursing and Rehabilitation once stood and proudly announced it was "now free of the virus." 

Monday, May 18, 2020

Stay safe. Stay inebriated. Stay self-medicated. Stay asleep. Stay home.

In these uncertain, unprecedented, trying, difficult and challenging times like these of social distancing and slowing down - and as we turn more inside, more than ever - the doors may be closed but we can still find ways to stay close even when we're apart, all without leaving the safety of your home.  Chattering Teeth Blog is here to help us get through this together.

Stay safe. Stay inebriated. Stay self-medicated. Stay asleep. Stay home.

We have learned so much since the last foolish generation. "Greatest," indeed. When the times got tough, did they stay home, stay safe? No they did not. Did they face a threat that had the potential to kill almost 1% of the minority of people affected? No. And when they went to the grocery store for their scheduled pull up and pickup time, did they always get their order of toilet paper? I'm betting the safe guess is yes. In fact, based on the photos I've seen, everybody appears to have a clean, new haircut during WWII.

Just listen to these foolish rubes...



"America prepares. All of America alters it's life and work to meet the demand for protection."

Really? What happened to, "I stayed at work for you, you stay at home for us"?

"Industry is at double step ... The armaments of war an embattled world must have if democracy is to survive."

Ummm. Why do you need those assault weapons?

"Mechanical genius joins with the muscle of men, working to win for the ways of freedom. Freedom to think, to speak... to rise, live and plan with one's fellow man."

YIKES! Enough with this 'freedom' thingy and from this scary video. Here, watch this one and go back to sleep.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Whitmer hopes to allow small gatherings of cardboard cutouts by June

Chattering Teeth Blog News - Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer addressed the nation yesterday... ok, when I say "the nation", I simply mean her small following of sycophants on Facebook Live.

The Gretch has been criticized for her arbitrary and restrictive orders during the coronavirus outbreak, but what benevolent monarch never throws a few scraps to their peasants? At first, The Gretch stated, “My hope is at the end of this month we can maybe permit gatherings of 10 or less.” She has since clarified this to mean a small gathering of cardboard cutouts



The Gretch has initiated the Defense Production Act and is mandating General Motors to convert all of their assembly plants and facilities to begin producing these cardboard beauties by the end of this year.

Whitmer said it’s her “fervent hope” that come the end of May, the state will be ready to go into another phase where it can start to engage more activities - "But barbers performing haircuts are simply out of the question until one of them can come up with a style that makes my forehead appear smaller than one of the Mackinac Bridge supports".

And... “We won’t be filling stadiums any time soon..." (sorry Lion fan)

IN OTHER VIRUS NEWS:

IN yet another example of Her Majesty's benevolent love for her subjects, The Gretch unveils the new mandated "Hail, Governor" Voice Assistant that she expects to be found in every Michigan home by the June 1st door-to-door State Police inspections.

Turn in those obsolete listening devices from Google, Apple and Amazon, etc. No more "Hey Siri" or "OK Google". And forget about your mistress, "Alexa"... wait, excuse me... your Alexa COMPANION.

Now comes the new and improved state-approved spy device with a one-size-fits-all for every Michigan home. It comes in the form of a life-sized cardboard cutout of our own beloved governor.



INSTRUCTIONS:
*Like all of the previous inferior Voice Assistants, SHE is always listening. However, for the illusion of privacy, there is a "woke word" to get you started. Just state, "Hail, Governor!"

CAUTION: Do not mix old Wake words from previous VAs with the new Woke word. In other words, stating "Hey Governor," or "OK, Gretch" or Lansing forbid you simply just say, "Gretchen!" INSUBORDINATION! SUBVERSION! Your lockdown just got longer, mister!

*Instead of an auto-response from a pre-recorded feminine robot voice synthesizer, you will actually get a real-time LIVE response from one of Governor Gretchen Whitmer's operators staffed by the numerous displaced and furloughed healthcare workers. SOMETIMES you may even get a response from the Governor herself! (have tissue at hand for the expected emotional outburst you are bound to experience by being in HER voice presence).

*Was it music you wanted to hear? Maybe a particular song? Well, for get about the boring studio original - with "Hail, Governor", you are going to get that song sung by none other than Her Highness, Gretchen Whitmer! (I hear she does a mean version of "Let it Go", from Disney's Frozen)

*How about a weather report? Never mind getting boring current temperature readings or precipitation forecasts for later in the day (it's not like you are allowed to go anywhere). INSTEAD, sit back and enjoy a Global Warming... err... Climate Change discertation by none other than the Swedish teenager on the spectrum, Greta Thunberg!

DISCLAIMER: Subject to availability. The Governor has initiated the Defense Production Act and is mandating General Motors to convert all of their assembly plants and facilities to begin producing these VAs by the end of this year.

THE END

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Top Barber Criminals in History

The latest in the saga of the Owosso, Michigan barber who reopened his shop and refused to close despite state shutdown orders has had his license suspended by the State.

I think the main takeaway I learned from this story is the fact that barbers are licensed. I did not know that. I once had a young gal over at Quick Clips cut my hair who should have been arrested for scissors swerving in traffic. Ba-dum bum.
Pictured: Owosso cop tickets barber for failure of clippers to properly yield at the cop's left ear roundabout. Now he has to use a thumb tack to hold his scardey mask on.

Actually, this occifer of the law was delivering a ticket and a finger wag to this elderly businessman because his practice of being in the proximity of 7 customers within 8 hours IS WAY MORE DANGEROUS than the teenage bag clerk who comes in proximity to hundreds of patrons in half that time at the grocery checkout just down the street.

In any case, more court proceedings are in the future for this poor victim of State overreach.
JUDGE:I want a crew cut! 
LAWYER: YOU CAN'T HANDLE A CREW CUT!!

More protesters planning to gather outside Michigan's capitol again today. Maybe they should all bring clippers as well as their "assault weapons" and trim each other's doo in the parking lot. THAT would really set these occifers off.

OTHER CRIMINAL BARBERS IN HISTORY:

Jack the Ripper may have been Polish barber Aaron Kosminski

(He was never ticketed)