Dear Blog, It's Christmas Eve and I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet

I know, I know. That is a popular statement made by numerous males this time of year, whether in casual conversation or as their Facebook profile meant to illicit boisterous insincere laughter. You know the drill... "Plenty of time"... "it's early"... HAHAHA!

It's a truism to say that most men hate shopping while most women love it. Take the Facebook example above. It would not be unusual to see a female with a status update proudly proclaiming, "Just completed my Christmas shopping" sometime in April.

Men are usually the ones who procrastinate. Why? Because they HATE shopping. You never see a male Facebook update stating something like, "I know it's late in the 3rd quarter, but I just haven't gotten around to watching that Super Bowl. Plenty of time... It's early. Call me at the 2-minute warning."

DISCLAIMER: For the record, I know there are exceptions to all generalizations, and I don't mean to imply that those males who love to Christmas shop are somehow great candidates for the new U.S. military.

Blog: So are you one of them procrapinators, or simply an athletiest?

Uhhh... neither (I don't think). I am not "procrastinating" because, unlike Christmas Eve's past, I have no intention of making that last-minute retail run spending money I don't have on crap nobody needs. You see blog, not only have I not started my Christmas shopping, I am done.

As for being an "athletiest", I guess I am, if by that you mean that I don't believe in exercise. However, if you meant "atheist" as in not believing in the reason for the season, than I am completely innocent of this charge. In fact, according to this latest Gallup poll, I am one of the "43.7% of the adult population" considered to be "Very Religious".

Blog: How can that be? Isn't it true that it is better to give than to receive? How can you call yourself a Christian and not participate in this orgy of spending?

If it is better to give than to receive, then wouldn't it be true that I would be doing a disservice to the recipients of my philanthropy for the sole purpose of pleasuring myself in my giving? Wouldn't that be considered selfish?

Blog: I kinda see where you're going with that. But what about the poor?

Are there no prisons? Are there no work houses? Just kidding! Unlike liberal hypocrites who believe in confiscatory "giving" through governmental redistribution - yet who give little or no personal charitable contributions themselves - I do throw alms into the collection plate at church each week. I might add that, since the wife and I were both laid off this year, each dollar we give is coming out of my IRA (batteries, taxes and penalties not yet included).

Blog: What about your kids? Won't they be dissappointed tomorrow to find their stockings empty and the tree giftless?

Who said anything about there being no presents for the kids? I simply stated that I did not participate in any Christmas shopping this year. The lovely wife, however, cannot make this same boast. Of course, this has been mostly true every year. Mrs. DaBlade has always done the shopping - except in year's past, I would make the Christmas Eve dash for her gift.

This year, I looked into her beautiful green eyes, drinking in those pools of peace and tranquility, while she looked into my bloodshot orbs bordering madness nestled above my puffy dark eye bags, and we decided that we wouldn't be exchanging gifts this year due to our economic situation.

I have never enjoyed the Christmas season as much as I have this one.