Wednesday, March 7, 2012

A Philosophical Night With Sandra Fluke

Imagine you are an unattached Georgetown University male philosophy major and it's 2 minutes before 2AM, closing time at the local watering hole. The only females left in the bar are a table of women's rights activists. Think "Star Wars Cantina" bar scene. You decide to approach the only one at the table not sporting a mustache thicker than yours. While she's not exactly a beauty, the lighting is dim and you are wearing very expensive beer goggles.

Before you make your approach, you take out your wallet and are relieved to feel the circled indentation of a condom. You pop your collar and congratulate yourself for being responsible and ready to engage in casual and possibly consensual "safe sex". As you stagger towards the table, you recognize the identity of your target of lust. It's none other than Sandra Fluke.


She makes eye contact with you, reaches into her purse and thrusts a red ticket dispenser in your direction.

"Take a number," she orders.


What should you do?

As a philosophy student, you've wrestled with the most perplexing questions that have haunted man since the beginning of time. Does a tree falling in an empty forest make any noise? Does a bear truly defecate in these same woods? And now, possibly the greatest philosophical question in the modern day:

If a student can afford tuition to attend Georgetown University, how massive must be the quantity of sex to cause this same student to go broke buying contraceptives?

Wilt Chamberlain laid claim to having relations with 20,000 women during his NBA career. He stated that he once had 23 women in 10 days. Even at this rate, and considering the retail cost of contraception, Wilt couldn't have kept pace.

The solipsist might say pain is needed to appreciate pleasure, but surely he has never met Miss Fluke.

It's now 2AM, and bar patrons are being herded towards the door. If you are to proceed, you realize you will need to take extra precautions in order to satisfy your personal "safe sex" requirement. You tally the cost of these extra precautions in your head.

First, as the lights come on, you quickly realize you're going to need more beer.

Additional beer cost: $How much you got boy?

Next, you realize you would need something to do while waiting in line.

New Phone APP cost: $0.99

Hey, you believe her and you don't want to get lost!

spelunking equipment cost: $150

In case of spelunking equipment failure...

GPS wrist band locator: $1,350

This pocket condom ain't gonna cut it with this chick.

These suits can cost anywhere from $4,000 - $10,000 each, and may need to be disposed of after one use, depending upon what they were exposed to and how contaminated they are.

Cost of going back to your dorm room alone to listen to the latest Rush Limbaugh podcast:
Priceless.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

You've reached the pinnacle of sarcasm with both hands. I applaud your efforts.

Chuck said...

Liberal women have sex with men?

DaBlade said...

Thank you for your good taste anon... And Chuck, That is a good question. Seems far fetched. Maybe Miss Fluke is just a pro-abortion democrat plant with an agenda? You think maybe she researched Georgetown and their insurance coverage BEFORE she committed to attend there? Is it possible that she only committed to attend this 200+ year old Jesuit institution for the express purpose of trying to force this Catholic institution to pay for contraception and abortifacient drugs that she could get for free anywhere else? Nah. That's too jaded. She seems legit. *harumpf*

Z said...

Chuck! I have SUCH a stiff neck tonight and I have to whine at you for your comment that made me laugh SO HARD and KILLED my neck :-) (You're a nurse, HELP!)
HILARIOUS! I'm still laughing!

And, DB...I'm linking to this post at geeeZ Saturday; I"ve been wondering what to post and I can't resist; this is FABULOUS! xxx

Elmers Brother said...

LOL!

Brooke said...

That was fantastically funny!

Rita said...

When I was being raised, my parents talk my two brothers, my sister and me to be responsible for our actions, for our finances. There was no argument that my mother was the strongest one in the family, but my dad displayed and instilled the lessons of responsibility. There was no difference in the message between girls and boys in that regard.

As a girl I watched the feminist movement in complete confusion. Where would a woman get the idea that burning their bras in public would get them equal rights? I watched them scream their hate towards men and I looked around my house and around my school and I never found any men treating the girls as if they could not succeed, if fact the most influential teacher I had encouraged me to go to college, something that wasn't necessarily considered for any gender in my blue collar family.

Here I am at 52, college educationed, in a position some might see as having been successful and I still don't get feminist.

I was never held back at work because I was female, I stepped up the ladder rung by rung, not because of some "token" advantage. I resent women that have obviously been promoted simply because they are female and they needed a token.

And I resent women like Fluke, who deliberately seek an institution to force her beliefs on a religious institution because she and the other poor women cannot afford the $9 a month birth control they can get at their local Walgreen.

My daddy taught me never to be dependent on anyone but myself.

The feminist continue to use the same "I'm helpless because of you hateful men" message they used back in the 70's.

If I had even tried to live my life whining that, my father would have given me a LONG well-deserved lecture.

Grow UP FLUKE! I don't want to have to pay for the bras you wanna burn.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Shoot, I'm number 3,908,096

Joe said...

"While she's not exactly a beauty..."

She would be fairly pretty were it not for the hollow, empty, sadness of her eyes.

I wonder what misguided attribute of her life that look comes from.

DaBlade said...

Oh my goodness! My friend Z linked to me! Thanks for your kind words, and Odie... quit bragging how early you were! :)

Rita, I don't get feminists either. This is satire and humor and I am certainly not full of hatred for women. I was a little taken aback by the negative reaction from some when I linked my blog here on Facebook. I thank you for "getting" me and this post.

Ed Bonderenka said...

Greta post.
Check out Mark Steyn's take on it:
http://www.ocregister.com/articles/fluke-343935-sex-right.html

Always On Watch said...

Owee! My sides ache!

A gem of satiric post.

Right Wing Theocrat said...

Came here from Z's blog, funny man.

Only thing i'd add is that seeing as how the character is a philosopher, he really should weigh up the pleasure he thinks he'll receive vs the possibility of catching something from all those other guys in the queue. Probably only from the guys in front of him, but then again who's to say a few behind aren't returning.

Rita said...

DaBlade: I don't visit blogs whose only goal is to be politically correct. I think the epidemic of PC will be the downfall of our entire civilization.

OK, well that might be exaggerating just a bit. But I abhor political correct BS. It's stupid and it demeans the intelligence of reasonable people

Great post.

Now I'll have to browse through your others to see if I can feign some outrage just for good fun.

KP said...

I am from Z's blog as well:

<< She would be fairly pretty were it not for the hollow, empty, sadness of her eyes. I wonder what misguided attribute of her life that look comes from. >>

I had the same gut feeling but couldn't find the words. I wonder if I am projecting my blind spots onto her or whether she has the blind spots.

One of us doesn't know what we don't know. My two daughters (24 and 21 college grads) and my wife of 26 years who I met at university see it the same way I do.

CnC said...

Damn! I wish I could come up with stuff like this! very good!, got sent here by "Z", worth the trip.

Impertinent said...

Blade..Hats off to a wonderful take on the humorless, sad, lifeless shells of humanity these "body suits" are. I apologize to any man ( if they can stomach a real one ) who has the misfortune of being under one of these toads for the rest of his sad sack, brow beaten life.

Lisa said...

great post,also came here from Z's blog.
Maybe when Fluke finishes "transitioning" all she will have to do is buy condoms.
Oh wait you mean she isn't transitioning?