Why is the DHS Secretly Purchasing Billions of Basketballs?

Why has the Department of Homeland Security secretly been purchasing 1.6 Billion basketballs since Obama's merciless Easter free throw attack on the White House south lawn?

After Obama made just 2-for-22 from the free throw line (and several misses from directly under the rim in sad layup attempts), basketballs have been mysteriously disappearing from sporting goods stores across the country and raising fears of yet another loss of freedom from this over-reaching tyrannical regime.

The DHS purchase has included every brand from Rawlings, Wilson, Nike, and even Spalding - the official basketball of the NBA. What is perhaps even more perplexing, is sweeping comprehensive basketball control legislation limiting ball carts to hold only 3 basketballs, making the 15-ball racks like the one pictured here now illegal in all 50 states.

"I don't know of anyone who needs more than three basketballs... if you need more than three balls, you’re a lousy shot," stated mayor Bloomberg, who obviously has never served as Obama's ball boy, a position firmly held by Reggie "the body" Love.

The question remains, why is the DHS doing this?

Critics contend that Obama's dismal lack of even a sliver of basketball skill has weakened our image across the globe. Every clang off the iron from one of Obama's bricks was followed by throngs of cheering Palestinians taking to their streets to burn our flag, emboldened by Obama's disgraceful performance. Some even suggest Obama's Pee Wee Herman imitation so insulted North Korean despot and known basketball fan, Kim Jung-Un, it has brought us to the brink of war on the Korean peninsula.

Maybe our best chance to successfully navigate these dangerous waters is to keep Obama from getting his hands on another basketball and keep him focused on his real mission. That is, raising money on the campaign trail.

In other news, the Detroit Pistons have just signed 5 foot 6 inch, 250 pound DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano to shore up the middle and provide more offensive beef to their lineup.