Stocks funny haha or funny weird

So the DOW has been taking it on the chin, and the futures don't look good. Thankfully, I lost everything in the 2008 collapse, so I'm good on this one. Speaking of collapse, I'm finally recovering from some nasty 36-hour cold/flu bug. Please wash your hands thoroughly after caressing this blog. You've been warned. And now for some funny stock market jokes.

The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen. –Jay Leno

Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab." --Conan O'Brien

"After Monday's 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis." –Conan O'Brien

"Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It's so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there's a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge." –Jay Leno

My stockbroker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it’s his!

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

From a trader after a market crash: “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
ANSWER: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 2000 yen and was sent 66 mBTC. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady said, “Fluctuations.” The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, “F*ck you Americans too!”

Today’s Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market