Happy Halloween! (now gimmee some candy!)

Recycled pics for your pleasure (and because it's Saturday and I'm lazy)

Now gimmee some candy because I'm Crazy Newspaper Face!

Sting: Pharaoh Obama sent by God because of his Islamic background

Pure genious.

Sting, still rich and Oblivious:

NEW YORK – Sting isn't a religious man, but he says President Barack Obama might be a divine answer to the world's problems. "In many ways, he's sent from God," he joked in an interview, "because the world's a mess."

Seriously - I'm confused. If Sting is not a religious man, does that mean he believes in God, or that while he believes in God, He just doesn't rate worshipping above his own sorry ass? In fact, one could argue then that Obama was sent by Sting?

In any case, I will concede to Sting the fact that Obama was sent by God. I would just humbly remind him that so too were the plagues.

Do "The Harry Carey" healthcare two-step.

It's a new dance called the "Government Option Co-op With An Opt-out"

Reid: "It's like when I was in high school. I wanted to dance, but she wouldn't get up."



Sean Hannity: Can you explain the HarryCare Two Step Boogie?

Step 1: Get sick
Step 2: Die waiting

The Harry Carey
(Sung to the tune of "Hokey Pokey")

You put your wallet in
You take your wallet out
You put your wallet in and you shake the money out
You do the "Government Option healthcare" 'cuz you really can't opt-out
That's what it's all about!

You do the health plan Harry Carey (pronounced "Hari kari")
cuz you really can't opt-out
That's what it's all about!

Harry Reid's next gig will be following Tom Delay's lead and appearing on Dancing With The Stars after his dance card runs out this term.

Halloween Makeover Time

We are all familiar with the traditional spooky halloween imagery. Lightning illuminates an old, shuttered mansion on a hill. There is an untended graveyard on the property with bats overhead and sentinels of twisted and leafless trees protecting moss-covered headstones. You step up to the creaky and rotted wooden porch and the front door opens itself. You part the cobwebs and enter... you know the rest. A sleepless night interupted by ghostly manifestations, spooky organ music, rocking chairs rocking back and forth by themselves, and if you're lucky - a visit from a famous monster or two! Heeey Abbottt!

*yawn*

Ray Parker sang "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" in Ghostbusters, and comedian Kevin Pollak (imitating Christopher Walken) said "Frankenstein never scared me", (4:00-4:15) and that got me to thinkin'...

Halloween needs a makeover.

What used to scare me prior to the socialists taking over the government no longer frightens me. Take, for example, the traditional haunted house described above. That scared me in my youth, but now I'm much more frightened of spending a night in the house on the right...



It's time to play: What Scares You More?

According to wiki, a Poltergeist is "recurrent spontaneous psychokinesis (RSPK) denotes an ostensibly paranormal phenomenon attributed to an an invisible spirit or ghost that manifests itself by moving and influencing objects, generally in a particular location such as a house or room or place within a house."

According to DaBlade, a Pelosi is a pyschotic spirit possessing much more evil intent than a playful Poltergeist by comparison. While the Poltergeist moves objects within the home, Pelosi totally removes them from the victim's possession.

So I ask... What Scares You More?



A ghostly spectre can be described as simply "a ghost", "an apparition", "a bogeyman", etc. This description may also be used for the manifestation on the right.

So I ask... What Scares You More?



A "Cemetery" or "Senator Kerry"? One calls to mind a corpse that no longer serves any valuable function here on Earth. The other is a graveyard where people are buried.

So I ask... What Scares You More?



You get the idea? Let's try some more.

So I ask... What Scares You More?





and the one I find the scariest of all...
So I ask... What Scares You More?



...to be continued

Which one is the third party candidate?

Ain't That A Kick In The Head?

Obama visits sailors at the Naval Air Station in Jacksonville, Florida this afternoon in full campaign mode for the next few days in Florida. The troops in harm's way can wait when there are Democratic fundraisers to attend.


OBAMA: I know Dick Cheney thinks I'm dithering on the war and emboldening our enemy by waffling. But what Cheney calls dithering, I call solemn responsibility to entertain the men and women in uniform in the traditions of Bob Hope. Sure the morale is at an all-time low in Afghanistan, but just ask these sailors here in Jacksonville about morale after I lip sync a little Dean Martin for them!



OBAMA: I may not be listening to that General what's-his-name... McCarthy... McCraken, ehhhh Mickey D's fellow, but I am taking requests for the next fake Karaoke song. Load up the teleprompter Joe!

Good news! The 147 passengers on flight 188 will not be charged extra for the additional unscheduled 150 travel miles.

What were the pilots of the Airbus A320 carrying 147 passengers doing at 37,000 feet that was so distracting that it caused them to overshoot its destination by 150 miles? FAA officials are still investigating, but this exclusive photo suggests they hotwired a cockpit monitor and were busy surfing the web.


"We stumbled upon a blog that was so intriguing, we couldn't turn away. It was pure genious!," stated the co-pilot.

As an aside, I've caught cabbies attempting to make similar circuitous routes from the airport to my hotel.

Obama Victory Gardens

The NYTimes recently ran a piece about a Flint urban farmer growing an Obama Victory garden in what they call "the toughest city in America". OK, they don't actually call it an Obama Victory Garden, but that's what this headline suggests: Amid Ruin of Flint, Seeing Hope in a Garden.

On one side of the fertile lot stands an abandoned house, stripped long ago for scrap. On the other side, another abandoned house, windows boarded, structure sagging. And diagonally across the street, two more abandoned houses, including one blackened by a fire maybe a year ago, maybe two.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... and If life gives your neighborhood "10 contiguous lots where a row of houses once stood," become a community garden organizer and grow some turnips or something.

No offense fella. I actually think what you are doing is pretty awesome. That is, assuming you are not one of them entramanureal "profit deal" capitalists, and instead you are spreading the collard greens around.

Any hint of snarkiness or sarcasm on my part (Moi?) is not aimed at the urban farmer here, but at what this once great city has become at the hands of the democrats and the union. These fields of Flint were already in the process of being plowed long before Obama jumped up into the seat of the First Tractor (a/k/a: The Village PTillager). His policies, however, will expedite the arrival of urban farming to a community near you, so sharpen up those green thumbs people.

I am also slightly jealous 'cuz my suburban neighborhood is behind the curve on this. It could be several months before my neighborhood has 10 contiguous abandoned and foreclosed lots to till.

No worries, I just remembered how many plants I used to be able to squeeze into a 10X10 foot plot of land. Granted, this was back in the late 70's when my gardening skills were honed to razor sharp point. My green thumb skillz have somewhat atrophied since.

HEY! I remember my dad took a picture of me on my "spread". Wait here while I look to see if I still have that... AHA! Enjoy!


Notice the rows of leafy lettuce in the middle, surrounded by tomoto plants, carrots and onions. Notice also the knee-high striped tube socks and muscle T-shirt on this young stud. The crops produced in this 10X10 plot of land could feed my family through the winter in the new Obama economy.

My favorite Grandpa John story...
I don't remember exactly when my Grandpa John died, but it couldn't have been too many years after this picture was taken. But I do remember that he was always old while I was growing up. He had shock-white hair, walked very slowly and was hard of hearing (unless my Grandma Ruth was in the kitchen and whispering about him :)

Grandpa John also had hands the size of shovels, and I always knew that he must have been quite a physical speciman in his youth. He had been a farmer all his life, and I remember stories about huge farm lands in South Dakota that were lost in the great dust bowl... Even in my grandparents old age, they had a farm (mostly corn) of several acres... It was HUGE to my brothers and me, and I loved visiting after Sunday church. Grandma let us dig up our own potatos for dinner!

My point is, my grandpa knew what real farming was all about. That's why I will never forget the day he visited my farm plot (pictured above) that same summer. I remember him standing at the edge of this massive tangle of my organic children as I looked into his lined face for some kind of approval. He looked at my garden and then he looked at me, a small smile formed at the corners of his mouth as he simply said, "How do you find time to go to town?"

Anita Dunn Chewing Cud

I'm not sure if the following was an actual Wrigley Winterfresh sugarfree gum commercial, but watching it compels me to rush to the store and purchase a pack or two:


Here are my suggestions for the next commercial. First, the auditions from my runners-up (DaBlade suggests that you turn your sound down and click them all simultaneously)


And the winning audition is...
White House Communications Director Anita Dunn! (DaBlade suggests that you turn your sound down any time you see Ms. Dunn, or any Obama apologist. Just put the following words in her mouth:

DUNN: "Winterfresh was the gum of choice by my favorite philosophers, Mao Zedong and Mother Teresa!"

12/21/2012

Depending on who you listen to (or what medications you are currently abusing), that's the date the world ends because (A)Planet X will collide with Earth, (B) of hyper-volcanic and earthquake activity (C) Bob Dylan will record a followup Christmas Album, (D) The re-election of Barack Hussein Obama (Mmm mmm mmm).

What's the significance to December 21, 2012, you ask? Well that just happens to be the date when the Mayan calendar ends. If I remember my history, the Mayans were indigenous peoples of South America a long time ago... maybe as much as decades ago. They were good at making clay pots and pyramids, but they sucked at making calendars.

No worries, per this:
According to Rosemary Joyce, a professor of anthropology at UC Berkeley, the Maya never predicted anything. The 2012 date is approximately when the ancient calendar would roll over, like the odometer on a car; it did not mean the end -- merely the start of a new cycle.

December 21, 2012 is also the subject of a Hollywood movie coming out next month. Nothing says "disaster" and "movie" like the name John Cusack. My point is, maybe all this paranoid talk is just some good ol' fashioned viral marketing. I might add that the Mayans also sucked at viral marketing, as evidenced by their societal collapse.

So in conclusion, the Mayan civilization did not have the internet (Algore had yet to invent it) and therefore they did not have access to myfreecalendarmaker.com which accurately predicts the end of days being December 31, 9999, as it inexplicably has no dates beyond this.

Now THAT'S SPOOKY!

Today's blog feature: Bono, Obama and Elvis sing "Mysterious Ways".

NY Times guest columnist Bono, singer for rock group U2, chimed in over the weekend on Obama winning the Nobel. He tries desperately to make the case that Obama was somehow a legitimate nobel laureate (sorry for the oxymoron) because of these 36 words uttered by The Obama during his UN speech last month:

OBAMA: “We will support the Millennium Development Goals, and approach next year’s summit with a global plan to make them a reality. And we will set our sights on the eradication of extreme poverty in our time.”

Now if we could put that quote to some tasty guitar licks from The Edge, I might start tapping my foot.

When I read that quote from Obama, I get all goey and teary-eyed like an Irish folksinger idealist. I can hardly wait for the 2010 MDG summit! Will it be chaired by Obama, Khadafy and Ahkmadeenadude in matching Libyan wrdrobes?

This is just what the impoverished third-world needs! Obama has already demonstrated his ability to end poverty as we know it in this country, right? All that's left is for Obama to cede what remains of our sovereignty to the UN, and the billion or so folks earning less than $1 per day will start making a fair wage of $2 per day! (of course with the rapidly plummeting dollar, the future value of $2 American is about 5 pesos next year, but it is the thought that counts). .

Bono: The Nobel Peace Prize is the rest of the world saying, “Don’t blow it.”

But that’s not just directed at Mr. Obama. It’s directed at all of us. What the president promised was a “global plan,” not an American plan.

Me: Yikes! Me smells another "stimulus".

Bono: In the same week that Mr. Obama won the Nobel, the United States was ranked as the most admired country in the world, leapfrogging from seventh to the top of the Nation Brands Index survey — the biggest jump any country has ever made... Americans are like singers — we just a little bit, kind of like to be loved.

Then stick to singing, Mr. Bono. No offense sir, but I wouldn't want Obama taking advice on economic and foreign policy from Spicolo either. It's freedom and capitalism that has fueled our economic engine and led to so much wealth and humanitarian aid the world over, not Obama's brand of socialist confiscation and redistribution.

In the wise words of an unknown J Geils concert goer heard screaming at Ooover Groover during a lull in "Musta Got Lost", just "SING MAN! SING MAN! SING MAN! SING!"

Then again, his words are so inspiring (right dr hirkimer?:)...

Hopenchange Balloon Hoax

Obama's Hopenchange balloon, which had taken the American people for a ride, has finally crash landed in a field, along with most of his supporter's hopes and dreams.

Obama admits his $Trillion stimulus package and his attempted governmental takeover of the healthcare industry was "all for the show", before he vomited during questioning.

Balloon Boy Family Helium Huffers?

The 6-year-old Balloon Boy alive and well *yawn*.

Now the REAL investigation can begin. I have questions and I want them answered immediately! Namely, why did this kid not have the nads to climb aboard before liftoff? It's obvious that is what the dad had planned. I've never heard of a weather balloon with a passenger cab underneath.

Something's not right with this family. Speculation that this was a hoax is growing after little Falcon told a reporter it was all "for the show". Even if this wasn't a hoax perpetrated with full knowledge of the parents, it is my belief they should still be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for naming their boy "Falcon".

The balloon boy's father is a known storm chaser, which is another way of saying that he can't hold down a job. It is also reported that Mr. and Mrs. Balloon appeared on the television program WifeSwap, which in and of itself doesn't prove they are white trash media hounds.

However, Chattering Teeth News has uncovered the following disturbing audio...

You see, the helium resonates differently with my vocal chords. sound bite  Sphere sound bites

That's right, "Oxygen is a corrosive gas, in the same family as fluorine and chlorine, hydrochloric acid, hydrofluoric acid". I think I know what little Falcon was doing in the attic for these frantic five hours. HUFFING HELIUM!

In totally unrelated news, a baby wearing an inflatable chef's hat is currently soaring over the Colorado Rockies while his concerned master chef father keeps one eye on the television coverage and the other eye on the oven and his twice baked cheese souffle.


More exclusive coverage from the folks over at iOWNTHEWORLD.com

Letting the days go by - let the water hold me down

once in a lifetime


And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack


And you may find yourself in another part of the world


And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile


And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful Wife
And you may ask yourself-well...
how did I get here?



Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Dear Elvis Hair Follicle Fetish Freaks

Good news so listen up!
CHICAGO – The King may be dead, but that doesn't mean it's too late to run your fingers through his hair.

Elvis Presley's hair, at least a clump of hair that Presley may have lost to an Army barber when he went into the service back in 1958, is going on the auction block this Sunday at Leslie Hindman Auctioneers in Chicago.

Just some stream of consciousness thoughts as I look at this picture...

First off, I never knew that Jack kevorkian was an army barber in the 50's. Number two: What is Elvis thinking at this moment as he looks at the hair in his hand, and could he have imagined it would go for thousands of dollars in an auction some 50+ years later? And "C", why did I not have the foresight to save the hair from my mullet and porn 'stache cut in the late 80's!? The value of that lost hair will forever haunt me after I become ridiculously famous.

I am thinking about placing a bid on these locks, not because I'm some huge Elvis fan, but because I believe it might make a good addition in my latest business venture idea - The Cabinet of Celebrity Curiosities Museum, Gift Shop Bar & Grill. I currently just have in my possession a yellowed Gary Coleman toe nail clipping (it's authenticity sworn to by the local pawn shop dealer), but acquiring this clump of E-hair could really influence the tourist's travel destination plans and jump-start my business.

Before I bid however, I need to know if this hair is from the fat Elvis or the skinny Elvis. Was it saved from a haircut or found in the sink? Did he use conditioners or did he suffer from split ends? Not everyone at this auction will think of all these questions that ultimately affect the hair's value, but that is why I'm one or two steps ahead of the rest.

Apparently this auction will be pushing other Elvis memorabilia from sweat-stained scarfs to Elvis Pez dispensers. These items belonged to a now deceased gentleman named Gary Pepper, who was "president of a Presley fan club" yet claimed to have been a close and personal friend of Elvis. I wouldn't even think to question the veracity of these claims, viewing this clump of hair as proof positive of Pepper and Presley being BFF's. It is widely known that Elvis gave out Cadillacs like candy to regular fans, but would Elvis give a clump of floor-sweepings to just anyone?