Obama refuses to acknowledge moon flag

NASA photos prove humans reached the moon.

Stunning satellite photographs also prove Obama is not impressed.

Obamacare equals new army of paralegals and IRS agents so this gaffe is understandable.

When over 20 people collapsed at a campaign event for President Obama in Roanoke, Virginia this past Friday, Obama misspoke and asked if there were any "paralegals" in the house.

 He obviously MEANT "paramedics". The media has rightfully ignored this gaffe. because it's a liberals intentions that matter and NOT results. Give him a break! It's not like he misspelled potato people.

So While the rightwing extremists waste time bringing this up, an asthmatic might be suffering for lack of a "breathalyzer".

If this fictitious and composite asthmatic becomes just another "corpseman", uhhhh Corpsman? the blood is on your hands rightwingers!

The First Snack President of the United Bakes of America

Hello again boys aaaaaaand girls. As I told CBS News earlier this week, what this country really needs from me is a good story. Now some people claim thaaaat... all I do is make shit up boys and girls. But I say "Jobs Schmobs", it's storytelling time again!

(NOTE: Dear Reader, I realize that the prior paragraph is heavily blogged down with links used as sourcing for the material used here as evidence in the possible future trial, DaBlade vs. The United Socialist States of Amerikka, and if you're like me, you usually ignore those links and move on. However, the last link above, "it's storytelling time again!" is worth a look. Seriously, this guy is good!!!)

So pull up your pillows, sit cross legged with your hands tucked under your chins, look dreamily into my eyes and I'll read you this story. It's titled...

 "Dreams of My Fodder"
 Once upon a time, there was a snack named Barry. He lived in the United Bakes of America, a land overfloweth with carbs and fiber. It was populated by legal imi-ingredients from all over the world's bakeries.

There were Crumpets of British origin, French Baguettes, Japanese Anpans, Flatbreads - leavened and unleavened - from places like Turkey, China and Pokystaan, just to name a few. More and more, there were also undocumented Tortilla recipes from Mexico. But mostly there were European white breads, boys and girls

(Boooooo!)

"Haha! save some of that for the Bagels boys and girls!"

Now Barry was not only a snack, he was REALLY half a cracker, but Barry and his friends hated to acknowledge his cracker side. (Don’t Call It a Cracker: Wheat Thins Prefers to Be Billed as a Snack) Barry grew up and became the first snack president of the United Bakes. (Yaaaaah!)

"I'm skinny, but I'm tough!," Barry liked to say. "All the better to hold the cream cheese I'm gonna spread around to y'all. You'll eat so much free cheese, you won't help but to grow from the middle, out!" Barry promised free condiments (and condoms) to all the baked goods. As promised, spread the free cheese he did, but instead of the bread rising - something else happened boys and girls. (Ewwww!)

During his first term, things got worse and worse. Barry tried to explain that the blame belonged to the previous administration by saying that they drove the bakery truck into the ditch, and all the mean, nasty and rich chefs needed to stop hoarding all of their sugar and give it to him. (Yaaaaah!)

Now in this land there lived an evil, rich chef named Oven Mitt, and he wanted to take Barry's job. He said he wanted to undo all the good that Barry had begun! I think he really just hated snacks boys and girls! (Boooo!)

He told the tea and crumpet crowd that he believed the citizens of the United Bakes should provide for their own sandwich spreads. He also believed in the "Bread of Life", and that every bun in the oven deserved a chance at the dinner table. Can you believe THAT boys and girls?! He would take away your right to discard your unwanted dough in the trash before it has a chance to rise. (Boooo!) Knowing exactly when yeast becomes a golden brown and buttery dinner roll is above my pay grade - but when in doubt, throw it out I say, right boys and girls? (Yaaaaah!) Mitt is even against allowing marriage to be redefined by allowing same-sex fruitcakes to wed.

What do you care where the chopped, candied fruits put their nuts and spices sir!

During the campaign, Mitt showed up at the NAAPB (National Association of Pumpernickel Bread) to give a speech.

He stated that Barry's policies created "loafs" of bread instead of "loaves" of bread. They booed him when he promised to take back the free cheese, but they gave him a standing loav-ation at his close. Barry wondered if, come November, he would regret not going to this venue himself, but instead sending his VP Banana Nutbread Biden. I guess we will find out how "educable" the voting public is.

 THE END

RAVE ON ROMNEY

The following clip is my favorite part of Mitt Romney's speech to NAACP yesterday.



As you saw, the African-American crowd was initially apprehensive, and you could almost hear Crickets when he took the stage. As they had time to Think it Over and listen to his Words of Love, they must have thought he was a "Brown Eyed Handsome Man" because they gave him a standing ovation by the end of Romney's Rave. That doesn't mean the majority of this crowd will go out and buy his latest record in November, but Maybe Baby, he will get a few.

Mitt Romney taps Jane Pitt to be his VP candidate

In a surprise move by Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney, he has announced his long anticipated decision on a running mate, and it is none other than Brad Pitt's mother, Jane.

"She is obviously much better prepared and has more experience to govern than our current president," said Romney. “I’m not proposing anything radical here. It's not like I'm proposing job-killing, dependency expanding tax hikes that will only fund the government for a little over a week, Mitt argued. “Nothing radical here.”

Jane Pitt's selection comes on the heels of controversy, as there was a firestorm of criticism over her recent public criticism of Obama.

“I think any Christian should spend much time in prayer before refusing to vote for a family man with high morals, business experience, who is against abortion and shares Christian conviction concerning homosexuality just because he is a Mormon.”

Pitt went on to say, “Any Christian who does not vote or writes in a name is casting a vote for Romney’s opponent, Barack Hussein Obama – a man who sat in Jeremiah Wright’s church for years, did not hold a public ceremony to mark the National Day of Prayer and is a liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies and same-sex marriage.”

Jane told this reporter that Mitt and she would wear vials of each other's blood around their necks during the campaign in a show of solidarity. "Really?" I asked. "No, not really," stated Pitt. "That would be retarded."

When NJ Governor, Chris Christie heard the news, he was a little disappointed. "My phone rang and I saw it was Mitt calling. I obviously thought he was going to select me as his VP. Instead, he just wanted to borrow a spare belt to fix his bus or something."

So far, Jon Voight has refused any future Romney cabinet positions, but does promise to kick any godless libs asses if they even get near his daughter's mother-in-law, as they have threatened.

Island Pursuits, Part Deux

On Wednesday, November 5th, 2008, I blogged about spending the previous evening painstakingly whittling a boat from the old Willow that used to weep in my back yard. NOT coincidentally, this was the day after Barack Obama was elected president. I predicted that, as a result, this country would turn into a "barren and windswept" landscape, and I therefore needed a boat to flee the coming desolation. Unlike the Pilgrims, I horrifyingly discovered there was no place to run.

WTF! I just found out that the globe has ALREADY been circumnavigated! WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW? Check it out on Google map if you don't believe me. Apparently, every land mass has been accounted for... So I have this shiny new boat, but no place to row to. Even this frozen wasteland I found on the map called "Canada" is already populated, at least according to wiki. I guess I have to give up the dream of finding a tiny uninhabited island, complete with sandy beaches, gentle tropic breezes, palm trees, coconuts, a bamboo hut, and a volleyball to keep me company. *sigh*

THEN THE IDEA STRUCK ME! If it doesn't exist now, why not build one?

Unfortunately the rest is history, as I was thwarted at every turn trying to construct my conservative oasis of Chattering Teeth Island. Instead, as regular readers of this blog know full well, I've spent the majority of the last three and a half years huddled up in my homemade walk-n kitchen pantry coverted panic room, with Cap'n Crunch as my only sustenance.

Two major developments have occured since my original prediction of this country as a "barren and windswept" landscape.

First, I completely underestimated The One's destructive powers.

And "B", I may have finally found my island!!!

THANK YOU Army Corps of Engineers! Let me know when it's move in ready!

If a bar holds Obama AND Fox News, is the bar half empty or half full?

Does everyone remember this riddle?

You're stuck in a room with no windows or doors, but does have a table and a mirror. How do you get out?

OK, time's up. If you haven't heard this one before, here's the answer.

Look in the mirror. See what you saw. You take the saw and cut the table in two. Two halves make a hole, then you climb through the hole.

Too easy, right? Here is a tougher one.

You are bellied up to the bar at Ziggy’s Pub and Restaurant in Amherst, Ohio, drinking beers and acting stupidly, when President Obama walks in the bar with his possee and heads your way. You immediately notice Fox News is being broadcast from the wall-mounted black and white 9" TV above the mirror. WHAT DO YOU DO?  

Give up? I certainly wouldn't. I did mention you lived in Ohio, right? There is nothing else worthwhile to do in Ohio but to get hammered up at the local watering hole, so leaving is not an option. And if the choice is between Obama or Fox News? Pretty simple choice for me, really. So here's what I would do.

Look in the mirror. See what you saw. You take the saw and cut the black and white in two... OK, just kidding! You'd lose either way on that one.

How about this? Swap the latest "stump speech" in Obama's teleprompter with the microchip from the talking urinal cake. If there is one thing in this world Obama listens to and doesn't govern against it's will, it is his teleprompter. If his tele-buddy suddenly started nagging, "Had a few drinks? Maybe a few too many?," Obama would leave immediately.

Problem solved!

What I did last night (a short story) ALT TITLE: You can have your urinal cake but don't eat it too

What was that? Did I hear something?

I realize that I'm not awake... at least not fully. I seem to be in that fuguelike transitional state between sleep and consciousness. That half-dream borderland that has always scared me since I was a child, waking all sweaty from a nightmare just enough to recognize my sleep paralysis. I begin to think I must have imagined whatever it was that had dragged me unwillingly from the inky depths and I try to turn back toward the blissful world of unconsciousness. I just want to sleeeeep...

“Hey, listen up. Yeah, I’m talking to you..."

"What the...?" That voice again! It keeps calling me... no, TAUNTING me!

While a full measure of lucidness is currently escaping me, I instinctively realize enough to become instantly terrified. I experience a fright-induced adrenaline surge through my bloodstream as it occurs to me, even in my currently foggy state, that I DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT VOICE!!!

I lay still with my eyes shut tight, trying not to move or change my breathing and alert the owner of that voice that I am awakening. Where am I? Have I been drugged?

"Had a few drinks? Maybe a few too many?"

THERE IT IS AGAIN! That voice. I take no comfort in the realization that it belongs to a female. I try to focus on my situation, but the excruciating headache pain that seems to be emanating from directly behind my eyeballs are making this incredibly difficult. I suppress the urge to audibly gasp when I experience what feels like lightning bolts tearing through my brain.  

I quiet my thoughts and try to concentrate on my situation. My body feels oddly contorted and I am overcome with extremely noxious odors. I try squinting through my eyelids but am guessing I must be blindfolded as I am enveloped in darkness.  Suddenly, water is flowing in my nose and mouth... *cough* *cough* I'M DROWNING!

"...Do yourself and everyone else a favor..."

So is THIS how it ends? Tortured and waterboarded by a strange female operative, then taken out when she extracts every state secret I possess?

"NO! I WON"T TALK!," I scream. "GO AHEAD AND DO YOUR WORST!"

"...Call a sober friend or a cab.”

WTF!

I vault my body upwards, hitting the top of my skull on what feels like a hard porcelain sledgehammer. When the bells in my head stop ringing, I open my eyes to assess my real situation. I extricate the rest of my body from the urinal, and sheepishly head out the bathroom door. I wave to my favorite bartender as he wipes down the long, cedar bar top.

"I think you overserved me again Rando!," I mumbled, as I stumble out the saloon style doors at the Turtle Mountain Brewery in Rio Rancho. As I pedal my bike toward home, the female voice of the urinal cake calls out to me from my back pocket...

"..And don’t forget: Wash your hands!"

"I think me and her, we're gonna get along just fine!," thought I, as I pumped my bike pedals faster.

THE END

Did you know that the Michigan Office of Highway Safety to distribute talking urinal cakes to over 200 bars in an effort to combat drunk driving? Based on my unscientific pie chart of "Where Drunks Pee", they might have more success helping lonely guys, like our hero above.

Apple Smiles - Chattering Teeth Treats

Hahaha! Why didn't somebody tell me about these?
(found at DisneyFamily.com)

Ingredients

• smooth peanut butter
• 1 red apple, cored and sliced into eighths
• squeeze of lemon juice
• miniature marshmallows

Directions

1. Spread peanut butter on one side of each apple slice (squeeze a little lemon juice over the apple if not serving immediately).
2. Place four miniature marshmallows on one apple slice and then lay another apple slice, peanut butter side down, on top.
   

Game of Pooh Sticks

When you play the Game of Pooh Sticks, you win, or, like, your stick just takes a bit longer, I guess.

 

 

 Check out the full crossover 'Winnie the Pooh' and 'Game of Thrones' comic below.

A Smackerel for Crows

 

SHOCK POLL: Bush A Head in Poll!!!

In the latest Chattering Teeth Tracking Poll - Who would you prefer to occupy the Oval Office in 2012?

When given the choice between an Obama second term or the rubber severed head molded in the likeness of George W. Bush (used in HBOs hit series 'Game of Thrones')...

Sixty-two percent (62%) of Likely U.S. Voters believe the Bush head's economic plan would be more sound than Obama's.

Twenty-five percent (25%) still blame the actual George W. Bush (head and all) presidency for today's woes. Of course, these same people have the intellectual capacity of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Thirteen percent (13%) would still rather see A cardboard cutout of Barack Obama as opposed to it's flesh and blood counterpart.

Should heads roll at HBO for using a Bush's severed head in Game of Thrones?

HBO apologized Wednesday for using a fake George W. Bush head on the hit series 'Game of Thrones' created by George R.R. Martin.

"We certainly didn't mean to offend our friends on the left by using a fake head. Trust me, we just couldn't get our hands on the real thing."

The above quote is actually fake and completely manufactured by me. I hope I didn't offend the HBO writers by this, but I just had this pseudo quote lying around and figured, "why not use it?"

Here is some of their actual controversial commentary found on the DVD set of HBO's Season 1 Game of Thrones...

"George Bush's head appears in a couple of beheading scenes. It's not a choice, it's not a political statement. We just had to use whatever heads we had lying around."

This explanation sounds legit. Who here can honestly state they don't have a few rubber severed heads lying around that resemble former President George W. Bush?

This screen capture depicts the evil boy king Joffrey proudly pointing to his collection of heads on pikes. In this scene, he cruelly forces his betrothed, Sansa Stark, to view her father's head.


Now some have called this "disgraceful" and "disgusting" and further have argued for a boycott of this very popular show. FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a huge fan of the books, this series AND of former President George W. Bush's head remaining firmly ensconced upon his torso.


For those unfamiliar with the story, let me just say that the fake Bush head is in good company, as it joins the head of Eddard Stark (Ned), Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North. Ned was a rare man of honor and integrity who possessed a sense of duty and justice that was second-to-none. The evil-doer King Joffrey had Ned Stark unjustly beheaded for treason because Ned had discovered Joffrey's claim to the throne was illegitimate as he was the bastard product of an incestuous relationship between the Queen and her brother. Ewww.


So if George and Ned are both men of "honor and integrity" unjustly persecuted for their virtue, then I will let you figure out for yourself who the evil boy king with the illegitimate claim to the throne represents.


On an unrelated subject, everyone knows the story of the letter a beardless Abraham Lincoln received from an 11-year-old girl urging him to grow whiskers because he would look better on the penny. One has to wonder whether or not this episode above will trigger a piece of silly affection in George W. Bush for long, knotted and straggly hair.

Standing up for Religious Freedom and in Opposition to Obama's Unjust HHS Mandate

PICTURED: A civilian spy drone camouflaged as a dragonfly captures the rare image of wanted and reclusive Conservative blogger known only as "DaBlade" from Chattering Teeth. The tall and handsome DaBlade is pictured here centered between the traffic lights holding a subversive sign uncomplimentary to President Obama, peace be unto him. When the traffic light changed from yellow to red, and DaBlade was still several feet from the sidewalk, agents quickly moved in and subsequently roughed him and cuffed him and arrested him for jaywalking.  

OK, not really. That is me, but I wasn't arrested... and if Janet Napolitano questions me later, I will swear I made it to the curb before the light changed.

I celebrated Mass at St. Matt's yesterday morning with my lovely bride and several hundred of my brothers and sisters in Christ, then rallied for Religious Freedom and the protest for the defeat of Obama's unjust and unconstitutional HHS mandate. The crowd at the Flint rally was estimated to be over 400, joining the tens of thousands rallying across the country.

MLive photos and story.

Planned Parenthood Embedded in an LA High School to administer Studentifacient Drugs?

Everyone remember the story a few weeks ago about the high school student in North Carolina who posted a YouTube video of his teacher threatening him with imprisonment for criticizing Obama?

Now we get THIS story of a Planned Parenthood actually setting up shop INSIDE a high school, ostensibly to supply contraception in an attempt to reduce teen pregnancies, but could there be another reason?

Are we to assume one story has nothing to do with the other? Puh...leeeze!!  I might have been born at night on a turnip truck traversing a bumpy road to market, but not LAST night!

Nowhere in the Lamestream media do you find the obvious linkage between these two stories. You ought to thank your lucky browsers you have Chattering Teeth to connect the hidden agenda.

SURE! First, the in-school Planned Parenthood will simply distribute rubbers as a side condom-ment with the free lunch (to be used for mandatory fornication during recess), but it won't be long before teachers will begin to administer "post-birth" Studentifacient drugs to unsuspecting high schoolers who are overheard speaking ill of the president.

How long before we hear this audio on a viral YouTube video?

Student: Didn't Obama bully a kid when he was young? 
Teacher (sic): UH UH! OH NO YOU DI'INT!
Student: Obama is not God. He's just a man.
Teacher (sic): YOU WILL NOT DISRESPECT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
Student: I didn't disrespect him, I just asked a question.
Teacher (sic): YOU ARE TO REPORT TO THE PLANNED PARENTHOOD DOWN THE HALL FOR YOUR CHILL PILL RIGHT NOW MISTER!!

My Trip to the Gas Station

I was called to sub first grade today and needed to stop at the gas station on the way. the needle was on red, a lifelong habit that used to bug my father, who wisely always told me...

"Gas costs the same whether you keep the tank empty or keep it full." 

Obviously he never took into account the extra miles I have "enjoyed" over the years with the strategy of coasting for a bonus quarter mile after the last combustible fume has been consumed. While no official log exists, I'm sure that if these quarter mile gas-less jaunts were stretched end-to-end, I have earned the equivalent of an extra road trip to the Mackinaw Bridge. The question plaguing me this morning was whether my ongoing fictitious coasting trip would inch me closer toward St. Ignace.

Arriving at the corner gas station, a mere couple of blocks from home without running out of fuel was a splendid surprise, and what I hoped to be a good omen of good fortune for the rest of the day. I pulled my high-mileage 12-year-old, dented, formerly white (but now trimmed in rust) Oldsmobile Intrigue neatly into the parking lot and nestled comfortably up to pump #8, oily black smoke spewing from the tailpipe as I shut it down.

I should mention here that my car gets really sucky gas mileage comparable to the M1 Abrams tank, but with less firepower. I adopted the habit of answering the question, "what kind of mileage does she get?" with a "gallons per mile".

Now, I like to have some chewing gum when I sub first grade to save chewing on my nails (or exposed necks of overly rambunctious 7-year-olds). I decided to go inside and prepay for the pack of gum and my gas... $30 bucks should do it.

Returning to my vehicle, I began to gas up. No sooner did I squeeze the handle when the pump went into super slo mo speed. Great! I don't really want to be late! I remember thinking that it would take a while to reach $30, when suddenly the pumped stopped. I looked at the display and it read exactly $3 dollars even.

I quickly discarded the possibility of a pump malfunction and instead assumed the cashier mistakenly dropped a zero and keyed in my $30 purchase as $3 when programming the pump. Just to verify, I pulled the crumbled receipt from my front pocket, sure I would see "Gum: $1.70, Gas: $30.00". But that's not what I saw at all. It read "...Gas: $3". 

My brain synapses went into super slo mo as I tried to mentally process the information. What could she have possibly been thinking selling me $3 worth of gas? Even if I had misspoke (which I didn't) shouldn't such a miniscule fuel purchase request spur an obligatory confirmation from even the dullest of cashiers? Granted, there are times when my appearance should lead one to question my ability to afford more than a $3 purchase, but I was wearing a crisp, white dress shirt, tie and dress pants. I HAD EVEN SHAVED!

My vehicle was clearly visible through the large picture glass window from the register, so it was obvious I was not buying gas for a gas can. Even so, I'm guessing most people who use a small one gallon can will usually slurge the extra 70 cents and fill the thing up.

The cashier lady sold me $3 worth of gas without blinking her vacant eyes once!

Maybe the better question isn't what was she thinking. Rather, what did she think I was thinking? Here were the only choices I could come up with.

A) Well, I know I just filled up at pump #1, but I have travelled several rotations of my tires since then, so I'd better top it off at #8 before I leave.

B) You are a keen and insightful cashier. Thank you for not questioning my miniscule fuel purchase, as you have no idea WHERE my desired destination lies. As a matter of fact, I'm only interested in rounding the corner and traveling a hundred acres or so. After that, who knows? I really don't like to plan that far ahead.

C) Let's see, I'd like a pack of gum... and... oh what the hell! Let me get 8 tenths of a gallon of your finest fuel while I'm at it! I deserve it!

I received my drivers license in 1977, a time when the average price of a gallon of regular unleaded gasoline was $.66. Back then, $3 would get you over 4 and a half gallons. This was a time when an individual didn't need to tally the value of the gas in the tanks of the idle vehicles in their driveway when computing net worth.