It was a good year in and around the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios. I gained two beautiful daughter-in-laws when my middle son got married in October, and the eldest boy hitched earlier this month. Being the father of 3 boys, I now have learned what my life these last 25 years has been lacking. Drama. But a 'good' drama because I love them as my own :)
It was a little bitter-sweet when my middle son was married. Not only did he move out, but he took his 3 year old German Sheperd with him. Koda had lived with us her entire life and Mrs DaBlade and I were heartbroken when she left. (Oh yah, we miss you too son).
The good news is, we don't have far to travel to see them. My boy had purchased a fixer-upper on the very next street over in our same subdivision last year (How cool is that?), and with a tremendous amount of help from his now father-in-law, had completely remodeled this beautiful home that was waiting for them when they returned from their honeymoon in St. Lucia.
The oldest boy and his new bride married on the very unforgettable date of 12-13-14 (no excuses to forget an anniversary son) and have recently returned from their honeymoon to Disney World (their favorite place in the world). They live and work in Grand Rapids, a little further than the next block over, but still just 2 hours away. We don't see them as much, but mom and dad love having all 3 boys (and girls now) home at the same time, as we did on Christmas.
My "baby boy" turned 20 this year, and DID NOT get married to complete the trifecta. However, he did go to Wyoming to train as a mountain climber, then climbed giant wind turbines to perform maintenance, only to return home and enroll to study (and ultimately receive) certification as a welder.
While he didn't really leave to climb mountains or windmills (though he spoke of doing these things) he really is pursuing the welding trade. He came up with this on his own, and this time I think he really means to follow through. It's a darn good trade, and the side benefit is that the wife and I can keep him close for at least a little while longer (so no empty nest yet!)
Speaking of which, meet Zeke, a white Sheperd and newest addition to our family!
See ya next year! Happy New Year! (Maybe by next year there will be grandbabies involved? :)
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Headline you'll never see: Church Wedding canceled for Obama visit
Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...
Today's top story: Soldiers forced to relocate from their Christian church wedding so Obama could pray.
Wedding nuptials had just gotten started when an Army couple, their wedding party, family and friends were told to "move it outside" because President Obama required the entire holy sanctuary to do some soul searching and hard praying to a higher power (no, not to "Putin").
"So you folks think you're getting married inside this church today?", Obama was overheard asking. "VETO!," he shouted, scaring the little flower girl and causing her to burst into tears.
"There are going to be some areas where people disagree with me," obama understated later. "But I haven't used the veto pen very often since I've been in office, but this was one of those times where I've got to pull that pen out. If you don't believe me, try getting an ice cream or a cone of shaved ice at the stand down the street later."
The new bride was upset, but otherwise understanding. "Who are we to get in the way of our selfless president when he wants to humble himself in prayer petitioning for this country and asking forgiveness for the absolute mess he's made of everything?"
The new groom wasn't as accommodating. "Who plays through a church wedding? It's not like we were crazy enough to plan on getting wed on the 16th tee box at Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course on Oahu, Hawaii near Obama's vacation retreat during Christmas week," he argued. "That'd be like climbing a tree in a lightning storm."
...and that's when I woke up slumped at my desk in the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios, my cheek in a cooling pile of my own drool.
Obama in church? Of course I had been dreaming. I looked up at my computer screen and read the actual article headline:
Soldiers Relocate Wedding to Accommodate Obama's Golf Game
Well, perfect! What an excellent venue for a couple to exchange vows promising everlasting love and a lifetime commitment, all the while ducking errant golf balls and brief interruptions while passers-by urinate in the fairway lined shrubbery.
At least the president called the bride to apologize, and joked with the groom saying, "Don't do anything later that I wouldn't do!" "What, like snort a few lines of 'coke' and frequent a gay bathhouse?," answered the groom.
OK, I might have made that last part up. It's the 'journalist' in me when I do that.
Still reeling from the “hilariously bad” optics this has caused the president, he ordered thousands of tourists evacuated from Waikiki Beach and cordoned off with yellow police tape. When asked why?, he simply stated that Michelle had planned to put on a bikini and head down to the beach later.
"Talk about bad optics," obama stated. "Trust me! Nobody needs to see THAT!"
Today's top story: Soldiers forced to relocate from their Christian church wedding so Obama could pray.
Wedding nuptials had just gotten started when an Army couple, their wedding party, family and friends were told to "move it outside" because President Obama required the entire holy sanctuary to do some soul searching and hard praying to a higher power (no, not to "Putin").
"So you folks think you're getting married inside this church today?", Obama was overheard asking. "VETO!," he shouted, scaring the little flower girl and causing her to burst into tears.
"There are going to be some areas where people disagree with me," obama understated later. "But I haven't used the veto pen very often since I've been in office, but this was one of those times where I've got to pull that pen out. If you don't believe me, try getting an ice cream or a cone of shaved ice at the stand down the street later."
The new bride was upset, but otherwise understanding. "Who are we to get in the way of our selfless president when he wants to humble himself in prayer petitioning for this country and asking forgiveness for the absolute mess he's made of everything?"
The new groom wasn't as accommodating. "Who plays through a church wedding? It's not like we were crazy enough to plan on getting wed on the 16th tee box at Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course on Oahu, Hawaii near Obama's vacation retreat during Christmas week," he argued. "That'd be like climbing a tree in a lightning storm."
...and that's when I woke up slumped at my desk in the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios, my cheek in a cooling pile of my own drool.
Obama in church? Of course I had been dreaming. I looked up at my computer screen and read the actual article headline:
Soldiers Relocate Wedding to Accommodate Obama's Golf Game
The couple reportedly ended up moving to a lush site overlooking the 16th hole, which one of the wedding planners said was more secluded and prettier anyway.
|
Well, perfect! What an excellent venue for a couple to exchange vows promising everlasting love and a lifetime commitment, all the while ducking errant golf balls and brief interruptions while passers-by urinate in the fairway lined shrubbery.
At least the president called the bride to apologize, and joked with the groom saying, "Don't do anything later that I wouldn't do!" "What, like snort a few lines of 'coke' and frequent a gay bathhouse?," answered the groom.
OK, I might have made that last part up. It's the 'journalist' in me when I do that.
Still reeling from the “hilariously bad” optics this has caused the president, he ordered thousands of tourists evacuated from Waikiki Beach and cordoned off with yellow police tape. When asked why?, he simply stated that Michelle had planned to put on a bikini and head down to the beach later.
"Talk about bad optics," obama stated. "Trust me! Nobody needs to see THAT!"
Saturday, December 27, 2014
President George H.W. Bush in "Twas the Night AFTER Christmas"
Former U.S. President George H.W. Bush, 90, spent a fourth straight night in a Houston hospital for observation, after complaining of a shortness of breath this past Tuesday.
The first thought that occurred to me after reading this was how sad it must be to have to spend Christmas in the hospital. H.W. Bush "41" was never my favorite president (that would be his predecessor), but unlike the current occupier in the Oval Office, 41 is a war hero and a man of honor and integrity. I have little doubt that, even at 90 years of age and wheelchair bound, he would easily whoop obama.
The next thought that occurred to me, knowing 41's obsession with parachuting at his advanced age, can best be expressed with the following poem titled, "Twas the Night After Christmas." It is a purely 100% original poem, and any similarity to a famous Christmas classic is strictly coincidental.
TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS (at Houston Methodist Hospital)
Twas the night after Christmas, when all through Houston Methodist
Not a doctor was stirring, not even a specialist.
The I.V.s were strung by the patients with care,
In hopes the saline bag soon would drip there.
The children in pediatrics were nestled in pneumatic beds,
While visions of going home danced in our heads.
With my head in a bandage, my arm in a cast,
I just settled in for a drug-induced nap.
When out in the ward there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
Tripped in my slippers and re-opened my gash.
The LED lighting on the newly-waxed tiles,
Reflected and worsened my migraine so vile.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh... no wait, it's a wheelchair.
With a little old rider, so mirthful and fun,
I knew right away it must be Bush 41.
More rapid than eagles his pursuers did chase,
As he wheeled his chair and by name he debased!
"Now Barbara! now, Jeb! now, Georgie and Laura!
Now Cheney! and, Baker!, Sununu and Quayle!
Into the elevator to the hospital roof! to the edge of the railing and over the wall with a poof!
Now BASE jump! BASE jump! BASE jump away all!"
I watched him sail past my window in a backless gowned wingsuit,
His presidential bum wrinkled like dried fruit.
As he sailed past my floor, he passed gas like a balloon that's been punctured,
I knew it wouldn't be prudent to open my window at this juncture.
I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he flew out of sight,
"Read my puckered lips you jack@$$ obama, let's see you do this!"
The first thought that occurred to me after reading this was how sad it must be to have to spend Christmas in the hospital. H.W. Bush "41" was never my favorite president (that would be his predecessor), but unlike the current occupier in the Oval Office, 41 is a war hero and a man of honor and integrity. I have little doubt that, even at 90 years of age and wheelchair bound, he would easily whoop obama.
The next thought that occurred to me, knowing 41's obsession with parachuting at his advanced age, can best be expressed with the following poem titled, "Twas the Night After Christmas." It is a purely 100% original poem, and any similarity to a famous Christmas classic is strictly coincidental.
TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS (at Houston Methodist Hospital)
Twas the night after Christmas, when all through Houston Methodist
Not a doctor was stirring, not even a specialist.
The I.V.s were strung by the patients with care,
In hopes the saline bag soon would drip there.
The children in pediatrics were nestled in pneumatic beds,
While visions of going home danced in our heads.
With my head in a bandage, my arm in a cast,
I just settled in for a drug-induced nap.
When out in the ward there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
Tripped in my slippers and re-opened my gash.
The LED lighting on the newly-waxed tiles,
Reflected and worsened my migraine so vile.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh... no wait, it's a wheelchair.
With a little old rider, so mirthful and fun,
I knew right away it must be Bush 41.
More rapid than eagles his pursuers did chase,
As he wheeled his chair and by name he debased!
"Now Barbara! now, Jeb! now, Georgie and Laura!
Now Cheney! and, Baker!, Sununu and Quayle!
Into the elevator to the hospital roof! to the edge of the railing and over the wall with a poof!
Now BASE jump! BASE jump! BASE jump away all!"
I watched him sail past my window in a backless gowned wingsuit,
His presidential bum wrinkled like dried fruit.
As he sailed past my floor, he passed gas like a balloon that's been punctured,
I knew it wouldn't be prudent to open my window at this juncture.
I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he flew out of sight,
"Read my puckered lips you jack@$$ obama, let's see you do this!"
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
McConnell Promises to Boldly Acquiesce to Obama's Pen and Phone
CT NEWS: I am sitting down with the presumed new Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, the morning after the big midterm elections. Congratulations sir, and thank you for doing this. So tell my reader(s?), what's first on the agenda?
MITCH: The American people have spoken and the message is loud and clear. They want bold, new Republican threats of compromise, before they completely cede all authority to Obama's phone and pen.
CT NEWS: What about ObamaCare? You stated last week that it would take 60 votes in the Senate to repeal, yet you had previously suggested the budget reconciliation process could be used to repeal ObamaCare with just 51 votes. Which is it sir?
MITCH: Now I'm thinking a full unanimous vote should be required so as not to offend anyone.
CT NEWS: I'm beginning to believe there won't be much difference from the Harry Reid days. What about the massive debt and out-of-control spending?
MITCH: I will propose we slow the rate of growth of the $Trillion dollar deficit by several hundred dollars over the next ten years. Unless the media thinks that's too draconian. What I can promise we won't do is shut down the government. Or threaten impeachment for continued lawlessness. Let me check the opinion polls and I'll get back to you.
CT NEWS: You have surrendered the power of the purse and impeachment as means to stop Obama. So I have to ask, what will the Republicans do to stop the president's plans to declare amnesty for millions of illegals?
MITCH: That's where I draw a line in the sand. I guess I would be forced to give him what could be construed as a dirty look and ask him not to do that again.
CT NEWS: That's all the time we have. I know I'm now fired up! Go sock it to 'em sir!
MITCH: The American people have spoken and the message is loud and clear. They want bold, new Republican threats of compromise, before they completely cede all authority to Obama's phone and pen.
CT NEWS: What about ObamaCare? You stated last week that it would take 60 votes in the Senate to repeal, yet you had previously suggested the budget reconciliation process could be used to repeal ObamaCare with just 51 votes. Which is it sir?
MITCH: Now I'm thinking a full unanimous vote should be required so as not to offend anyone.
CT NEWS: I'm beginning to believe there won't be much difference from the Harry Reid days. What about the massive debt and out-of-control spending?
MITCH: I will propose we slow the rate of growth of the $Trillion dollar deficit by several hundred dollars over the next ten years. Unless the media thinks that's too draconian. What I can promise we won't do is shut down the government. Or threaten impeachment for continued lawlessness. Let me check the opinion polls and I'll get back to you.
CT NEWS: You have surrendered the power of the purse and impeachment as means to stop Obama. So I have to ask, what will the Republicans do to stop the president's plans to declare amnesty for millions of illegals?
MITCH: That's where I draw a line in the sand. I guess I would be forced to give him what could be construed as a dirty look and ask him not to do that again.
CT NEWS: That's all the time we have. I know I'm now fired up! Go sock it to 'em sir!
Monday, November 3, 2014
Diary of an undecided voter (I hope this helps. Or not)
Dear Diary,
We are on the eve of the midterms (so I am told) and if there is one thing I know with absolute certainty, it's that I believe I am still an undecided voter, but please don't pin me down on that.
Oh, don't get me wrong! What with all the major national issues at stake, I am absolutely, positively voting tomorrow... I think. Seriously, how else am I supposed to score one of those cool "I VOTED" stickers I plan on smugly displaying around the water cooler.
While I may (or may not) be completely certain which candidate has earned my vote yet, rest assured that I will be completely at ease with my ultimate selection, depending upon my mood (and blood alcohol and THC levels) when it's my turn in the booth.
Oh sure, we are at a spork in the road in the struggle for our continued survival and national identity, so I may (or may not) revert to the tried and true method of multiple choice test taking that has never let me down. Namely, "when in doubt, Charlie out."
With the president's agenda on the ballot the future of our republic and control of the Senate literally up for grabs, please tell me that you really didn't think I would revert to simply "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe-ing" did ya?
It's true that I am somewhat wishy washy at this exact moment regarding my ballot choices, but that's because I am potentially so much more informed than any previous generation before me (unless they insist otherwise?).
Think about it... Its a fractious media today, and people no longer have to sit in front of their black and white TVs at precisely 6PM or 11PM and choose from as many as three stations (depending upon the creative use of aluminum foil on the rabbit ears) to be fed the nightly news from the mouth of a nicely dressed anchorman with perfect hair, if not diction.
Now, I can get my info passively, or pulled and pushed to any one of my several dozen mobile devices, from an untold number of news sites, blogs, twitter feeds, and of course, my personal favorite mobile devices: my fleet of talking Barbies, etc., at any time of the day or night.
What I can say without equivocation or incertitude, is that Dancing with the Stars celebrity pair, Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy, are most definitely dating! At least, that's what the celebrity gossip pages are saying, and I can't think of a good reason why they would lie to me.
So diary, while I seem to be noncommittal regarding my vote tomorrow, that doesn't mean that I am unsure about my core values and what I most dearly believe in. Let me be as unambiguous as I possibly can on this point. I will vote for the candidate that has the greatest odds of increasing my own popularity and making me feel good about myself, regardless of any disastrous national implications.
And the environment. I think I like the environment. And these condoms, and that's all I need.
It is all so confusing. Once I think I have my decision, I get another one of those automated phone calls, or I catch a commercial on TV that tells me all sorts of mean and nasty stuff about one of the candidates, and I am forced to change my mind again.
SO TIME TO STEP UP mister and misses candidates, and vie for the full support of us undecideds.
I know my vote will be well thought out and disseminated in my brain. Basically, I will throw my full support behind the candidate who's superficial and pandering robo call I receive last... or not.
We are on the eve of the midterms (so I am told) and if there is one thing I know with absolute certainty, it's that I believe I am still an undecided voter, but please don't pin me down on that.
Oh, don't get me wrong! What with all the major national issues at stake, I am absolutely, positively voting tomorrow... I think. Seriously, how else am I supposed to score one of those cool "I VOTED" stickers I plan on smugly displaying around the water cooler.
While I may (or may not) be completely certain which candidate has earned my vote yet, rest assured that I will be completely at ease with my ultimate selection, depending upon my mood (and blood alcohol and THC levels) when it's my turn in the booth.
Oh sure, we are at a spork in the road in the struggle for our continued survival and national identity, so I may (or may not) revert to the tried and true method of multiple choice test taking that has never let me down. Namely, "when in doubt, Charlie out."
With the president's agenda on the ballot the future of our republic and control of the Senate literally up for grabs, please tell me that you really didn't think I would revert to simply "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe-ing" did ya?
It's true that I am somewhat wishy washy at this exact moment regarding my ballot choices, but that's because I am potentially so much more informed than any previous generation before me (unless they insist otherwise?).
Think about it... Its a fractious media today, and people no longer have to sit in front of their black and white TVs at precisely 6PM or 11PM and choose from as many as three stations (depending upon the creative use of aluminum foil on the rabbit ears) to be fed the nightly news from the mouth of a nicely dressed anchorman with perfect hair, if not diction.
Now, I can get my info passively, or pulled and pushed to any one of my several dozen mobile devices, from an untold number of news sites, blogs, twitter feeds, and of course, my personal favorite mobile devices: my fleet of talking Barbies, etc., at any time of the day or night.
What I can say without equivocation or incertitude, is that Dancing with the Stars celebrity pair, Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy, are most definitely dating! At least, that's what the celebrity gossip pages are saying, and I can't think of a good reason why they would lie to me.
So diary, while I seem to be noncommittal regarding my vote tomorrow, that doesn't mean that I am unsure about my core values and what I most dearly believe in. Let me be as unambiguous as I possibly can on this point. I will vote for the candidate that has the greatest odds of increasing my own popularity and making me feel good about myself, regardless of any disastrous national implications.
And the environment. I think I like the environment. And these condoms, and that's all I need.
It is all so confusing. Once I think I have my decision, I get another one of those automated phone calls, or I catch a commercial on TV that tells me all sorts of mean and nasty stuff about one of the candidates, and I am forced to change my mind again.
SO TIME TO STEP UP mister and misses candidates, and vie for the full support of us undecideds.
I know my vote will be well thought out and disseminated in my brain. Basically, I will throw my full support behind the candidate who's superficial and pandering robo call I receive last... or not.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Mystery Product Photo Quiz
What is this?
A) Google Glass bifocals
B) LGBT-Friendly hand and anklecuffs
C) Swiss Army Keychain
D) Freerider Skatecycle
The good news is, I can get one of these bad boys for only $99.99 on Woot!
The bad news is, I have no desire to break a hip, which I am convinced is guaranteed for anyone over trying this over 25 years of age.
B) LGBT-Friendly hand and anklecuffs
C) Swiss Army Keychain
D) Freerider Skatecycle
The good news is, I can get one of these bad boys for only $99.99 on Woot!
The bad news is, I have no desire to break a hip, which I am convinced is guaranteed for anyone over trying this over 25 years of age.
Friday, October 31, 2014
HALLOWEEN NIGHT AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE
CHARLIE: I'm just glad it was so easy to jump the fence here.
TWO-FOR-ONE PUMPKIN SALE!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Ebola nurse found obstructing traffic on NJ bridge
New Jersey nurse who was confined over Ebola worries, boyfriend go into hiding
Where could they be?
Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...
CHRISTIE: So sue me. Whatever. Get in line.
Nurse Kaci Hickox, armed with a doctor’s note saying she tested negative for the dreaded disease but still facing three weeks of quarantine, went underground Tuesday and took her boyfriend with her. She and nursing student Theodore Wilbur were in an undisclosed location and getting reacquainted after a month apart, officials said.
|
Where could they be?
Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...
Two of three access lanes to the George Washington Bridge are closed due to a mysterious pup tent, causing traffic chaos, especially in Fort Lee, at the mouth of the bridge in New Jersey. Mayor Christie is said to be at fault.
CHRISTIE: So sue me. Whatever. Get in line.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
HILLARY'S BREATHTAKING ECONOMIC IGNORANCE
Hillary: ‘Don’t Let Anybody Tell You that it’s Corporations and Businesses that Create Jobs’
“You know that old theory..." Free market Capitalism... “That has been tried, that has failed. It has failed rather spectacularly.”
“You know that old theory..." Free market Capitalism... “That has been tried, that has failed. It has failed rather spectacularly.”
Friday, October 24, 2014
Second Amendment vaccine cures ISIS
This blog was able to obtain the rest of the story thorough investigative reporting, a half bottle of homemade pumpkin spiced rum and an inexpensive hooker.
Chattering Teeth News reports that a large shipment of newly manufactured axes meant for an outdoor hunting and camping supplies store was mistakenly delivered to the loading docks of a radical islamonazi mosque.
President Obama cautions the public not to panic, and stated that this incident was not related to the weapons drop meant for the Kurds this week that was instead delivered directly into the hands of ISIS.
OBAMA: Let me be clear. You can't catch ISIS unless an axe wielding izlamonazi jihadist comes in direct contact with your bodily fluids.
Meanwhile... Hatchet assault on New York police comes during fears of Islamist attacks
Rioting residents in Ferguson, MO promise to respond to this call.
And now a word from our sponsors... Walmart announces huge sale of pressure cookers... just as soon as their overdue shipment arrives from Liberia.
Chattering Teeth News reports that a large shipment of newly manufactured axes meant for an outdoor hunting and camping supplies store was mistakenly delivered to the loading docks of a radical islamonazi mosque.
OBAMA: Let me be clear. You can't catch ISIS unless an axe wielding izlamonazi jihadist comes in direct contact with your bodily fluids.
Meanwhile... Hatchet assault on New York police comes during fears of Islamist attacks
 ISIS, the Islamic State in Syria and Iraq, has recently called to sympathizers in the West to carry out attacks against men and women in uniform. |
Rioting residents in Ferguson, MO promise to respond to this call.
And now a word from our sponsors... Walmart announces huge sale of pressure cookers... just as soon as their overdue shipment arrives from Liberia.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Clinton Bimbola Eruption Photo Pop Quiz
What is this?
This picture features...(pick one) Ebola eruption or Bimbo eruption?
A) Bill Clinton's visit to Flint, Michigan today.
The First Perv introduces a surprise guest, Monica Lewinski (Patient Splash Zone Zero) and her much improved stainless hazmat blue dress for a special dance for old time's sake.
OR...
(B) A nurse and a doctor demonstrate the Ebola decontamination procedure in a specialized quarantine unit at Charité Hospital in Berlin, Germany.
This picture features...(pick one) Ebola eruption or Bimbo eruption?
A) Bill Clinton's visit to Flint, Michigan today.
The First Perv introduces a surprise guest, Monica Lewinski (Patient Splash Zone Zero) and her much improved stainless hazmat blue dress for a special dance for old time's sake.
OR...
(B) A nurse and a doctor demonstrate the Ebola decontamination procedure in a specialized quarantine unit at Charité Hospital in Berlin, Germany.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Crowd of corpses leave early during Obama's speech at Democratic cemetery rally
Things only got worse for the president and the democrat's midterm prospects when, later in the day, the corpses made an early exit from a local cemetery during a Democrat rally when Obama showed up.
This is an ominous sign. While Democrats have a history of not turning out to vote in midterm elections, they have always counted the dead vote 100% in their corner. However, if the president's sagging approval numbers are even making these corpses skittish, the upcoming election could be a massacre.
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