What Barbara Bush Would Say

When I saw that photo of the Iranian militiamen above the fold and big as you please, I couldn't help wondering what Barbara Bush would say. I think she's cleared that up. I tend to agree with her.

Bongo Joe "behind the gym"

"Bongo" Joe Biden threatens to beat Trump "like a drum".

What is it with Joe Biden's threats of violence against Donald Trump?

"Bongo" Joe has a long history of making threats of physical violence against this president. Remember back in 2016 when he said, "If we were in high school, I'd take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him".

A year later, he doubled down on his physical threats. “The idea that I’d be intimidated by Donald Trump? ... He’s the bully that I’ve always stood up to. He’s the bully that used to make fun when I was a kid that I stutter, and I’d smack him in the mouth.”

"Oh, just trust me, I would kick his ass. He'd be easy," Trump has said.

This Chattering Teeth reporter has used Justice Kavanaugh's Frat House Time Machine (made from a car battery, jumper cables and spare beer kegger taps) to go back in time to peek in on Donald J Trump and his visit to the puny Bongo Joe Biden at his locker in order to collect his lunch money.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau now says Wearing black face is a human right

Here come the long lines. When the government makes black face "free," woke white guilt progressives' demand for black face services surges. They have no incentive to limit their visits or choose more cost-efficient makeup.

The New York Times Supermarket Tabloid Landfill Fodder

Chattering Teeth News - The New York Times latest explosive report claims that when Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was still at Yale, he used a hot tub time machine from the basement of his frat house (and made from a car battery, jumper cables and spare beer kegger taps) to go back to November 2, 1948 and rape Harry S. Truman on the eve of his election.

Democrats immediately began calling for Kavanaugh's impeachment and removal from the high court after these baseless allegations.

The paper was forced to issue an update that included the significant detail that several friends of the alleged victim were exhumed and could not recall the purported sexual assault. The paper also had to admit that time travel was not yet possible, let alone in the 1980s when Brett was at Yale. However, they theorized that sometime in the distant future, time travel is likely, and that a future time traveler could potential go back to the 80s with a spare time machine for Brett to then use to go back to 1948.

When the NY Times was asked how this fake hit piece came to be published, a spokesperson for the paper claimed "friends pushed a pen into the hand of a female reporter and she has no memory of using these words."

The reporter herself used a Joe Biden gaffe as her defense, claiming that she came from a very poor background and therefore "heard 4 million words fewer spoken by the time she got there".

The alleged victim's desiccated corpse refused to be interviewed.

THE END

Beto: "Hell yes. We’re going to take your baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet"

Beto: "Hell yes. We’re going to take your baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet"

O’Rourke says baseball is a sport that involves attempting to hit a high-velocity ball and designed to entertain people in a ballpark. Sure, it looks easy for a muscular and fit professional baseball player to shred the cover off the ball with a high-impact swing of the bat - but when I see this sport played by children... I saw a 9-year-old girl in Podunk, USA, cry after dribbling the ball 2 feet off a tee and failing to make it to first base before getting tagged out by the catcher! 

And the hot dog? When this high-cholesterol, high-sodium weiner, when it hits your body, shreds everything inside of your body, your waistline and arteries, because it was designed to do that...

As for the apple pie and their classic pastry crust made from butter, flour and sugar... how could I hope to maintain my 6'4" 90-lb effeminate girlish figure by consuming these?

Forget about the Chevrolet and it's planet-destroying and fossil fuel guzzling combustible engine.

Hell yes. We’re going to take your baseball, your hot dogs. Your pie. Your cars. We’re not going to allow fellow Americans to enjoy unhealthy freedoms anymore.

Politicians in cars getting Cheeseburgers

BLOG ANNOUNCER GUY: Good afternoon, and welcome to another exciting episode of Politicians in Cars Getting Cheeseburgers, with your host, President Donald J Trump!

[theme music - Glenn Miller's opening of In The Mood starts the show!!!]

SHOW RECAP: Whether Trump is entertaining visiting dignitaries, royalty from overseas, business tycoons - or just Whenever he gets a hankerin' for a late night cheeseburger - the president calls down to his secret motor pool to have James 'Mad Dog' Mattis pull around to the South Lawn door for a quick exfil and gettaway from CNN fake news reporter, Jim Acosta, who is usually hiding naked in some White House bushes taking notes (or something).

Mad Dog has been President Trump's wheelman and impromptu valet ever since he resigned as Secretary of Defense last December. Today, he is driving a mini eco car in order to throw off the press pool, who would never dream that Trump would ever ride in an environmentally friendly car. What they don't know is that Trump had his smart cars retrofitted to run on high octane Polar Bear blood.

...and now, on to the show!!! [raucous applause]

In this week's episode, President Trump takes John Bolton for a ride. The National Security Adviser thinks he is being treated to a Big Mac from the boss, but actually Trump tells him that his services are no longer needed at the White House, and instructs Mad Dog to pull over and throw Bolton out at the corner of First Street and Union Station Plaza Northeast.

This latest move has once again stymied the fake news media who hate John Bolton and his hawkish foreign policy positions, yet hate the president even more. Trump calls this pulling the rug with the fake news media. He did the same thing with the firing of James Comey, whom the leftists hated while he was FBI director, but suddenly loved him after Trump fired him.

Now that John Bolton is out as National Security Advisor, who is the next in line? Chattering Teeth News has it on good authority (made up) that MICHAEL Bolton will soon be named to fill the slot.



Before anyone feels sorry for the departing Bolton, John has signed with Chattering Teeth Publishing to record this new album...



(yes, those last 2 are repeats of mine but I like them, so...)

THE END

Trump's Sharpie Does it Again!

Trump uses sharpie to extend Conservative Republican Dan Bishop's victory in NC to include Alabama's 7th Congressional district and unseating Terri Sewell, the only Democrat Congressman in Alabama.

Creepy Joe Biden and his Blood Eye of Sauron

Is this blood in his eye medically just a subconjunctival hemorrhage, or is this a bad omen and foreshadowing of doom? Is the evil eye a curse? And if so, will this result in Obama's endorsement now?

"Far off the shadows of Sauron hung; but torn by some gust of wind out of the world, or else moved by some great disquiet within, the mantling clouds swirled, and for a moment drew aside; and then he saw, rising black, blacker and darker than the vast shades amid which it stood, the cruel pinnacles and iron crown of the topmost tower of Barad-dûr. One moment only it stared out, but as from some great window immeasurably high there stabbed northward a flame of red, the flicker of a piercing Eye; and then the shadows were furled again and the terrible vision was removed."

Biden awards medals to North Korean Generals

Chattering Teeth News - Joe Biden has recently received a ton of negative attention for his telling of stump speech composite stories that never actually happened. 

To one crowd, he says he traveled to godforsaken country of Kunar province in Afghanistan in order to pin a medal on a grieving Navy captain in recognition for his heroism.

In another, Biden tells how he bravely brushed off warnings from staff for a risky trip to Walmart in outskirts of Kabul in order to award medal to stock boy who rappelled down a stack of 60-foot shelving after retrieving a bulk-sized brick of toilet paper while under verbal fire from a sheep herder with the runs.

“He said, ‘Sir, I don’t want the damn thing!’ ” Biden said, his jaw clenched and his voice rising to a shout. “ ‘Do not pin it on me, Sir! Please, Sir. Do not do that! He crapped his pants! Sir, he crapped his pants!’"

Joe's latest version has him recounting a peace-keeping mission to PingPong, North Korea, under invite from Gleatest Reader, Kim Jong-Un in order to pin several thousand medals on his current staff of Hundred-Star Generals in honor of them avoiding Kim's wrath for yet another week and having not been sent to a labor camp been or executed and fed to his dogs.

Snopes, the 'independent internet truth barometer', has rated this latest recount as a Mixture of truth and harmless misspeak.

What's False
Biden's story is not "false," as was widely reported, because his underlying recollection of pinning a medal on a grieving soldier who did not want the medal is based on a real occurrence, when as a boy in Scranton, Pennsylvania, he cried when he was blindfolded and couldn't successfully pin the tail on the donkey during his 10th Birthday party, and then shat himself in the process.

THE END

HURRICANE DORIAN SHOCKING ANAGRAM: "DIARRHEA UNICORN"

A CHATTERING TEETH ALL-POINTS AMBER WEATHER BULLETIN ALERT THINGY

As a dedicated part-time independent self-proclaimed weather specialist and self-described world renowned leader in anagram interpretation, I made THIS shocking discovery regarding Hurricane Dorian while experiencing an alcohol self-induced Dyslexic fugue...

As you may know, the definition of an ANAGRAM is, "a word or phrase made by transposing the letters of another word or phrase." At least according to Mamerri Wetsber.


Well, what better way to scramble up a bunch of letters than the high winds of a tropical storm rum after-work cocktail? I hope I'm wrong, because a magical unicorn with the runs could unleash a large glitter bomb of sprinkles and colorful rainbows powerful enough to gender-confuse the entire state of Florida.

Ever since I discovered this shocking anagram, I've burned the midnight oil (and my bottle of Macallan 12 Year Single Malt Scotch) studying my Fisher Price toy spaghetti model. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs?



Thankfully, this spaghetti only models a CAT ONE... (albeit with a very strong eye wall)

IN CONCLUSION -
If we've learned anything from our national treasure that is Nicolas Cage, it's that the illuminazis have controlled the weather ever since George W Bush purposefully unleashed Hurricane Katrina with his weather machine. However, this is the people's weather machine now!!! Can Trump and the power of the weather machine turn this storm and keep it off the coast?

The nation girds its collective non-gender specific loin area for what may come next.

Stay tuned to this blog for important updates you will not get anywhere else. Seriously, just stare at the screen and occasionally hit refresh. You'll be glad you did.

In the meantime: Know your hurricane categories, and prayers for all in this storms path.

THE END

who burned down Rashida's anti-semitic she shed?

In the original State Farm commercial, we see Cheryl's She Shed burning to the ground. Her husband, Victor, insists that the She Shed was struck by lightning (as he stands in the yard in his bathrobe, apparently washing gasoline off his hands with the garden hose).

In the latest (fake) State Farm update, we see Rashida tlaib's anti-semitic she shed and terrorist training camp spontaneously combust as The Squad looks on.

Maybe we'll never know who incinerated Rashida's anti-semitic She Shed, just like we'll never know for sure whether Jake from State Farm is really a dude or a democrat she-male in khakis. Some things just remain mysteries.

In other unrelated news, mere minutes after Rashida's She Shed burned to the ground, Israeli Prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu lands and disembarks from his F-15i fighter after enjoying a late night joy ride.

THE END

Cuomo Baggins

Chris Cuomo seen in unverified video cursing at man who apparently called him 'Fredo'

Hey Cuomo... go back to the hole you came from, little man.

Salute to America

Sad and pathetic America-haters apparently did show up to the White House to protest President Trump's patriotic July 4th celebration - burning flags and playing with a large Trump balloon. I am not sure if Mike Dukakis and his toy tank was among them. I'm pretty sure Ron Silver wasn't, unless he was reanimated by the Red Witch.

Trump gave tribute to the reason for the 4th of July holiday — the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. "With a single sheet of parchment and 56 signatures, America began the greatest political journey in human history," Trump said. "wait, make that 57 signatures!"

FROBAL WARMING

Don't think to much about why Bill Nye the Science Guy would actually light Colin Kaepernick's afro on fire. Just bask in the transient heat provided by this satisfying brush fire. I was going to add Creepy Joe Biden hugging and snuggling Bill Nye from behind, but I thought that would make too much sense.

FLO-AOC