Mime Stalkers Among Us

Most folks have a phobia or two (or twelve). Some are afraid of spiders, while others are terrified of snakes. Some people are afraid of the dark, while others are afraid of socialist community organizers winning the presidency. I share all those phobias, but at the very top of my list, the thing that wakes me in the middle of the night in sweat-soaked sheets, has actually happened to actor Nicolas Cage.

STALKED BY A MIME!

Nicolas Cage fans are FAR crazier than Robert Pattinson's!

The Ghost Rider star who's money troubles has been the butt of jokes lately confesses he feared for his life when he discovered a silent and "maybe deadly fan" -- a dreaded white-faced Marcel Marceau-esque mime when lensing on the streets of New York.

"I was being stalked by a mime - silent but maybe deadly," Cage revealed.

"Somehow, this mime would appear on the set of Bringing Out the Dead and start doing strange things. I have no idea how it got past security.

"Finally, the producers took some action and I haven't seen the mime since.

"But it was definitely unsettling."

I consider myself a Christian man, but I have a crisis of faith when I read something like that. How can a Loving God allow such attrocities to occur? I only pray the Keystone Cops catch this Mime with an invisible lasso and lock him up in one of those imaginary boxes they have such a tough time with, and throw away the invisible key.