GOP Debate Predictions (or maybe just what I want to see tonight)

The “kiddie table” debate
...featuring Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum is cut short after a sink hole opens up in debate stage floor directly under Christie and Huckabee. This was obviously an oversight in not splitting these two up on either end in order for a more uniform weight distribution. Repairs are complete just in time for the main event.

As for the main event:
Dr. Ben Carson sheds the low energy label once and for all after he vaults podium screaming "WITCH HUNT!! landing on Fox Business anchor, Neil Cavuto, and putting him into a headlock. "I asked for details on his tax plan!," stated Cavuto, as he quietly nods off due to the prolonged sleeper hold over the commercial break.

A bizarre moment when Marco Rubio is questioned about his credit card use. Instead of answering and defending his finances, he uses his time in a non-verbal fashion. He reaches into his lapel pocket and starts pulling out a connected stream of credit cards in their plastic wallet sleeves. He is still pulling them out while they pile on the debate stage floor. It was reminiscent of a magician pulling a long and seemingly never-ending string of colorful scarves from his hat. The distraction works, as the audience bursts into applause and Marco gets a poll jump out of the exchange.

Trump's night was uneventful. He was still wearing the gold earring and leather jacket he wore on SNL, and danced stiffly when asked a question, then insulted Kasich and Rand Paul on either end of the debate stage. He only stops after Dr. Carson stabs him in the belt buckle with his microphone he had managed to file down into a shiv. Most analysts give the heated exchange to Carson.

Lindsey Graham and George Pataki, who both participated in the prior three preliminary debates, were bounced from the debates altogether this time for failure to reach the necessary 1% in the polls. Sadly, neither were recognized at the auditorium entrance and were not allowed admittance. They were escorted out by a low level security guard, and could be heard calling Trump a racist from the parking lot in hopes their campaign coffers would get a needed $5,000 boost.

After the debate, nobody could remember whether Jeb Bush had actually been there. Experts were later called in to examine the video footage and it was determined that Jeb had most certainly been in attendance. This gave him a rock solid alibi for the cars in the parking lot apparently damaged by vandals.

Oh, I almost forgot. Senator Ted Cruz runs away with the debate and vaults ahead of everyone in the polls, exactly where he should be.