| An out-of-control Chinese space station with 'highly toxic' chemicals onboard that is currently hurtling toward earth may crash into lower Michigan, it has been revealed. It is believed China's first prototype station, Tiangong-1, will come crashing back to the planet around April 3, experts say. US research organization Aerospace Corporation revealed that parts of southern Lower Michigan are among the regions that have the highest probability of being hit by falling debris, according to MLive.com. |
So let me get this straight. President Trump threatens to impose tariffs on Chinese steel and aluminum imports, and now coincidentally, 'it just so happens' that 8.5 tons of Chinese steel and aluminum will soon be crashing down on top of my head? THANKS TRUMP!
While there is said to be a high margin of error in this prediction (give or take a week and on the opposite side of the planet), I am convinced that the exact time of this crash landing will be high noon on April 3rd, and the crash site will be in my back yard.
So-called 'experts' at Aerospace Corp would have me believe that, "the probability that a specific person will be struck by Tiangong-1 debris is about one million times smaller than the odds of winning the Powerball jackpot." I bet these dudes don't live in mid-Michigan. And I've never won the lottery, which by my calculation virtually guarantees I'll be struck.
Another stated, 'Only one person has ever been recorded as being hit by a piece of space debris and, fortunately, she was not injured.' I bet she would have rather won the lottery, and I assume this crashed satellite was not full of 'highly toxic' chemicals. Of course, I've been drinking Flint water all my life, so a little hydrazine in my swimming pool doesn't scare me. Bring it on Xi Jinping!
Some might accuse me of being a narcissistic pessimist by assuming the falling Chinese space station known as the 'heavenly palace' is targeting me. I don't consider myself a pessimist, but a paranoid realist. The glass is neither half empty nor half full... but chock full of lead, coliform bacteria and other toxic disease-carrying pathogens.
Besides, the lower peninsula of the great state of Michigan resembles a 277 x 195-mile catcher's mitt from space, and opening day is less than 3 weeks away. Where else would Xi try to send a fastball by us?
But I have a plan. It's been awhile since I mailed a letter of such import that it shaped humanity for the better, but I believe now is the time once again...
Dear Elon,
May I call you mister Musk? Sir, I know you are a busy dude building rockets and batteries and digging tunnels and all, but I have the most most urgent need for the use of your car. Specifically, that Tesla Roadster that your boy Starman is tooling around the solar system in...
and the rest, as they say, will be history.
If the toxic Chinese space station hits Detroit will anyone care, or will the added scrap metal (irradiated or not) simply give the locals more to steal and sell for money to buy a screw top short dog of Ripple?
ReplyDeleteActually, much of downtown Detroit (or 'Illitchville, as I like to call it) is awesome. You just need to drive fast and keep your head down when traversing 'the donut' to get there. There isn't a better way to spend a summer Saturday afternoon and evening then walking the streets from restaurant to bar and then taking in a Tigers game. Maybe get some baklava or other goodie in Greek Town on the way back to the car parked at Motor City casino. Detroit doesn't deserve the bad rap it gets these days.
ReplyDeleteI know for a fact it "would" land in your backyard. And as you say you are due. But Elon and I have been working this Heavenly Comfort Woman Space Station Orbit Decay Thingamabob (HCWSSODT) situation for decades now (along with some really smart kid in 5th grade that I'm not permitted to identify he/her or his/her location due to international regulations and his really mean Mom).
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to say that You hit the roadster right where it counts. The Tesla was sent to orbit for the express purpose of grabbing this round metal harem in space and towing it not out to deep space but to a point where it will be directed straight to Kim Jong Un's place (which these days is an unremarkable RV parked on a PyongYang sidestreet). Since he will be destroyed prior to the big Kim-Trump meetup, the President has been informed. Donald was quite happy he would not have to look at or smell that big fat pimple sometime in May.
Elon, I and the 5th grader expect to receive a special award (that will be declared triple secret) by the President and Congress. Maybe I shouldn't ahve mentioned that, I'll probably get screwed out of my award. Oh well, it's not like President Trump is going to get a Nobel Peace Prize for actually doing something useful such as difusing NK either.
DaBlade, my wife's folks live in Livonia, which is actually quite nice.
ReplyDeleteNot once the station hits, Kid.
ReplyDeleteKid, you bring awesome (and hilarious) news regarding the HCWSSODT. I assume that the anonymous 5th grader helping take out Un's RV park is Trump's White House lawn mower (but I won't tell). And you are also correct in that Trump will never get credit for anything good by this twisted media, but neither will you. Except here in this corner of the dark web where your works are legendary. Oh, and next time you're up to see the in-laws, you, Ed and I should meet up and rob a liquor store or something.
ReplyDeleteEd, Livonia should be safe. I just read that NASA is sending up Sandra Bullock and Matt Damon to handle the problem.
Thanks Much!. Sounds Good! It's been over a month since I've robbed a liquor store !
ReplyDelete