Flake on an elevator

Sen. Jeff Flake was hailed as a hero Saturday by Judiciary Committee colleague Sen. Chris Coons at the Global Citizen Festival in New York's Central Park.

"So feel free to join me in an elevator any time," he said.

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - It is not surprising that the mainstream media is ignoring this blatant sexual innuendo perpetrated by the very creepy looking Coons against the frightened and effeminate looking Flake. Smelling a story, I put on my Matt Drudge hat with the fake press credentials tucked into the band - sneaking onto the grounds of this gender-fluid festival, I cornered Senator Flake in an out-of-the-way elevator. The following impromptu interview transpired.

'BLADE: Thank you for doing this, senator.

FLAKE: I didn't really have a choice since you pushed me in here when I was on my way to the bathroom.

'BLADE: Still. Mr. Flake, you have been called a fake conservative and liberal sellout. You are a Republican senator from Arizona. I apologize if your liberal leanings are due to you working on your own brain tumor - but if they aren't, why else would you buckle to democrat pressure in delay tactics calling for a 7th FBI investigation of the squeaky clean Kavanaugh?

FLAKE: Well as you may have heard, just prior to the vote I was cornered on an elevator and confronted by a group of rabid feminist radicals chanting, WE BELIEVE SURVIVORS" or some such drivel. What you may not know is that once they left - and the cameras with them - Democratic Senator Chris Coons jumped onto the elevator with me just as the doors were closing. 

'BLADE: Did Coons bribe you to join their unholy coalition?

FLAKE: Worse. Coons began running his hands over my body and grinding his hips into me. I tried to yell for help. When I did, Coons put his hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming. Then he tells me, "Either call for an additional FBI probe into Kavanaugh, or the next probe will involve Joe Biden into Jeff Flake!"

'BLADE: Egads! Then what happened?

FLAKE: Just then, the doors opened and I escaped! I heard him laughing as I ran away. Had he confronted me on a broken down escalator, I'd have been there all day!

'BLADE: Thank goodness you were not trapped on this elevator with a leaking Dianne Feistein. Who Boufed, indeed!

FLAKE: Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.

And now you know... the rest of the story. Good day!