Sunday, March 29, 2015

Obama's Passion - Golf in Palm Beach on Sunday

Palm or Passion Sunday kicks off Holy Week, as we hear the contrasting Gospel readings, and we enter the Church in a Procession waving Palm branches and are invited to identify with the jubilant crowds welcoming the Master into Jerusalem.

On this Palm Sunday, I should like to compare and contrast a King and an ass.


PICTURED: An ass who thinks he's a king, sits in his limousine after arriving in Palm City, Florida, in order to pursue his passion - golf.

PICTURED: The Master and King of the universe, sits on an ass and makes His triumphal entry of into Jerusalem on the first Palm Sunday in order to begin His Passion - His torture and crucifixion for our salvation.

The passion of Christ was directed by the Father's will and resulted in a life whose purpose was the cross (John 12:27).

Obama's purpose seems to be a double cross.

Obama golfing, chilling with buddies at ultra-exclusive Floridian Club

While his negotiators work to partner with Iran in the destruction of Jerusalem
PALM CITY, Fla. (AP) — Faced with a long weekend in an empty White House, President Barack Obama figured he needed a getaway, too, so he put together a golf outing with some buddies... The White House arranged for reporters traveling with the president to stay at a hotel in Port St. Lucie, about a 25-minute drive away.


Then this?
Reporters refuse Obama's dismissal from golf course, are sent to the 'shed'


I can almost see these reporters now. Standing outside the golf cart shed where obama had them banished, waving palm branches and stepping on their tippy toes hoping to get a glimpse of The One on the golf course.

While obama plays around in his sand trap, the rest of us will be reflecting on the following "Sanhedrin Trap".

Gospel, Mark 15:1-39

1 First thing in the morning, the chief priests, together with the elders and scribes and the rest of the Sanhedrin, had their plan ready. They had Jesus bound and took him away and handed him over to Pilate.
2 Pilate put to him this question, 'Are you the king of the Jews?' He replied, 'It is you who say it.'
3 And the chief priests brought many accusations against him.
4 Pilate questioned him again, 'Have you no reply at all? See how many accusations they are bringing against you!'
5 But, to Pilate's surprise, Jesus made no further reply.
6 At festival time Pilate used to release a prisoner for them, any one they asked for.
7 Now a man called Barabbas was then in prison with the rebels who had committed murder during the uprising.
8 When the crowd went up and began to ask Pilate the customary favour,
9 Pilate answered them, 'Do you want me to release for you the king of the Jews?'
10 For he realised it was out of jealousy that the chief priests had handed Jesus over.
11 The chief priests, however, had incited the crowd to demand that he should release Barabbas for them instead.
12 Then Pilate spoke again, 'But in that case, what am I to do with the man you call king of the Jews?'
13 They shouted back, 'Crucify him!'
14 Pilate asked them, 'What harm has he done?' But they shouted all the louder, 'Crucify him!'
15 So Pilate, anxious to placate the crowd, released Barabbas for them and, after having Jesus scourged, he handed him over to be crucified.
16 The soldiers led him away to the inner part of the palace, that is, the Praetorium, and called the whole cohort together.
17 They dressed him up in purple, twisted some thorns into a crown and put it on him.
18 And they began saluting him, 'Hail, king of the Jews!'
19 They struck his head with a reed and spat on him; and they went down on their knees to do him homage.
20 And when they had finished making fun of him, they took off the purple and dressed him in his own clothes. They led him out to crucify him.
21 They enlisted a passer-by, Simon of Cyrene, father of Alexander and Rufus, who was coming in from the country, to carry his cross.
22 They brought Jesus to the place called Golgotha, which means the place of the skull.
23 They offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he refused it.
24 Then they crucified him, and shared out his clothing, casting lots to decide what each should get.
25 It was the third hour when they crucified him.
26 The inscription giving the charge against him read, 'The King of the Jews'.
27 And they crucified two bandits with him, one on his right and one on his left.
28
29 The passers-by jeered at him; they shook their heads and said, 'Aha! So you would destroy the Temple and rebuild it in three days!
30 Then save yourself; come down from the cross!'
31 The chief priests and the scribes mocked him among themselves in the same way with the words, 'He saved others, he cannot save himself.
32 Let the Christ, the king of Israel, come down from the cross now, for us to see it and believe.' Even those who were crucified with him taunted him.
33 When the sixth hour came there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour.
34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani?' which means, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'
35 When some of those who stood by heard this, they said, 'Listen, he is calling on Elijah.'
36 Someone ran and soaked a sponge in vinegar and, putting it on a reed, gave it to him to drink saying, 'Wait! And see if Elijah will come to take him down.'
37 But Jesus gave a loud cry and breathed his last.
38 And the veil of the Sanctuary was torn in two from top to bottom.
39 The centurion, who was standing in front of him, had seen how he had died, and he said, 'In truth this man was Son of God.'


Friday, March 27, 2015

Hidden Imams World Tour - What are the Critics Are Saying?


ANNOUNCER: (think, "MONSTER TRUCK COMMERCIAL" GUY)

There have been plenty of warmup acts, but now comes the headliner of the WWIII Middle East Meltdown "Death to America" Tour!

PICTURED: (left) "Ayatollah Ali 'ZZ Top' Khamenei", supreme leader and lead guitarist - (middle) Barack "Ba-Rock This World" Obama, on Ukulele - (right)  Hassan "straggle beard" Rouhani, bass guitar and president of the band The Hidden Imams.

Obama has officially joined this Radioactive Metal band from Iran, after years of filling in as a frequent guest singer for the group.

HISTORY OF THE BAND
"When we were founded back in 1979, we literally had to hold audiences hostage," said supreme jammer, Khamenei. "The band practiced for years in a fortified underground bunker, and we went by the name "The Spinning Centrifuges" in their early days."

They lost an original band member and good friend of the revolution in previous drummer Mockmood Ahkmadeenadude. It is believed that Mockmood is in treatment for alcohol abuse, and was known in the tabloids for chasing every full veiled burqa in the mosh pit and for riding goats into hotel pools.

With Mockmood on leave, promoters want to know who has replaced him on the drums.

"Don't worry about what we have in mind for percussion. You will learn this very soon," promised Khamenei.

Warmup Act?


HERE'S WHAT THE CRITICS ARE SAYING!

I loved it! Obama's shredding ukulele solo of "Tiptoe through the Mushroom Cloud" was haunting! - The New York Times

'The f*** wrong with Barack Obama?' - Bibi Netanyahu

Obama once stated, "the Muslim call to prayer is one of the prettiest sounds on Earth at sunset." I guess there's no accounting for taste. To me, they both sound like Shiite. - Chattering Teeth News

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Happy El Diablobama Day! Only 666 Days Till Obama Is Out Of Office

According to the official countdown clock...

What, you never heard of El Diablobama Day? Well, that's because I just made it up. If Frank Costanza from Seinfeld can create his own holiday called Festivus, then why can't I?

El Diablobama Day for the rest of us!

... ummm... never mind. I'm still working out the traditions for El Diablobama Day, but I'm pretty sure we will also include the "Feats of Strength" involving after dinner stories of how each of us are coping with this catastrophe of an administration.

If you plan on celebrating El Diablobama Day with me, you'd better hurry as it only happens once. On March 26 of next year, there will be 301 days left to suffer obama, and that doesn't really work.

I suppose there is a chance El Diablobama Day will come around again, say in 2019 and 2023 (obama's 3rd and 4th terms), assuming there is "proof thro' the night, that our flag was still there," and flag poles have not turned into unadorned Festivus aluminum poles.

Let's travel back and peak at a couple of  El Diablobama's 'achievements'...

Here we see El Diablobama back in the Holy Land telling lies to some Jew


Here we see a confused El Diablobama incorrectly interpreting reason why Jesus fasted for forty days in the wilderness. HINT: It was NOT because He forgot to bring along His food "taster" The scripture verse says "tester" not "taster.


Is Obama The Devil? And Did Jesus Lose His EBT?



Tuesday, March 24, 2015

White House Florist "Escorted From The Building." You Won't Believe What Happened Next

BREAKING: Laura Dowling, the White House's head florist since 2009, was recently let go under mysterious circumstances and "was escorted from the building."

There is mounting speculation that the flower girl somehow got on the bad side of First Lady Michelle Obama, leading to her premature pruning.

What may be even more bizarre is what happened next. This Chattering Teeth reporter has just learned that House Speaker John Boehner has invited Dowling to address a joint session of Congress next week about floral artistry, and he didn't first consult with the administration.

Boehner defended his decision stating, "I relate to Laura's signature relaxed arrangements using a vegetable for a centerpiece. For want of a better name, I call it her 'Speaker of the Bouquet'."

"I wanted to make sure that there was no interference. Nobody, including me, wants to see Michelle go nuclear!"

"There's no secret here in Washington about the animosity that Michelle has for Head Florist Dowling," Boehner told Chattering Teeth News. "Frankly, I didn't want her getting in the way of my bountiful bouquet."

No replacement for White House Flower Czar has yet been named. If interested, be forewarned of the following duties and disclaimer from the job posting: Additional duties to include upkeep of the president's secret garden patch. Applicants with any known allergies to cannabis, opium poppy or processed coca leaves need not apply.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Saturday Strange: Kerry Hails Progress on Obama's March Madness Bracket, as The Iran Ayatollahs Advance to Sweet 16

It was indeed a very strange Saturday. Let's see who was paying attention. Class, get your pencils out, turn your cell phones off and no talking.


MULTIPLE CHOICE

I.  After the NC State Wolfpack upset the top seeded Villanova Wildcats to advance in the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, what caused their post game locker room video to go viral?

A) N.C. State’s Cat Barber overheard asking, “the f… (is) wrong with Barack Obama” due to the president selecting Villanova as his bracket pick.

B) N.C. State’s Cat Barber overheard yelling, "Death to America", due to the president selecting Villanova as his bracket pick.

C) N.C. State’s Cat Barber overheard singing Lil Jon’s “Turn Down for What” and exhibits these hilarious dance moves.


II. The day after Obama urged Iran to seize ‘historic opportunity,’ Iran’s Supreme leader Ali Khamenei told a crowd in Tehran.:

A)  “Of course yes, death to America!"

B) “the f… (is) wrong with Barack Obama”?

C) It is true the honeymoon’s already over for “The Bachelor” Chris Soules and fiancĂ©e Whitney Bischoff, and they aren't even married yet - causing the crowd to respond, "Death to the bachelor!"... "Death to the bachelor!"

COMPLETE THE ACTUAL HEADLINE

III. Khamenei calls (A)__________ as Kerry hails progress on (B)_____________.

(A) "Death to America", "to congratulate Benjamin Netanyahu", "Jimmy John's and orders the  J.J.B.L.T. with 6 slices of bacon"
(B) "nuke deal", "Obama's March Madness Bracket", "his turkey sub"

IV. (A)__________  Ted Cruz to announce (B)_____________.

(A) "Texas Senator", "Iran’s Supreme leader", "NC State point guard"
(B) "presidential run", “the f… (is) wrong with Barack Obama”, "four corner stall"

V. WHO SAID IT?
QUOTE: "What I dream is that for one election ... every black person in America vote Republican."

A) ESPN 'First Take' host Stephen A. Smith

B) MSNBC 'All In' with effeminate host Chris Hayes

C)
MSNBC 'Rachel Maddow Show' with manly host of the same name (if not gender) Rachel Maddow

ANSWER KEY: 

I, 
II & III, 
IV, 
V
 

So how did you do?
 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

OBAMA ORDERS MANDATORY VOTING


last week, Obama leaked his dream for mandatory voting in the U.S.

"Other countries have mandatory voting... It would be transformative if everybody voted."

You mean like in North Korea, where their recent Supreme People's Assembly election results sported a whopping 99.97% turnout?

OBAMA: 99.97% turnout? I can beat that! The ignorant and uniformed voters put me into office not once, but TWICE! and that was AFTER voter participation declined to 57% in the 2012 presidential election.  

With the millions and millions of folks over the age of 112 with social security numbers,  there is no reason why those participation numbers couldn't be pushed up to, say 125 or 130% - And thats even after continuing my practice of not counting the votes from those serving in the military overseas.

Coming to an election near you... mandatory voting!!!

North Korea's villages and cities surround a central plaza. There are no Starbucks or Burger King ads and billboards visible, Just the impoverished masses walking the streets lined with giant mosaics of the country's founder, Kim Il Sung, and his son, Kim Jong Il. Bright slogans on posters, murals and banners lift the spirits and fill the citizens with hope. See the wide smiles on their faces?

Nevermind the smiles never seem to reach their terrified or vacant eyes. "Yes we can"!



HOPE & CHANGE

But what to do about those pesky mid-term elections when a majority of the ignorant obamafone masses stay home?

Obama’s Mandatory Voters

Uninformed voters put him in office, and their non-participation in the 2010 and 2014 elections caused Democrats to lose more seats in the House of Representatives during the Obama midterms than suffered by any president since Harry Truman.

That’s why a desperate Obama said, following his second straight midterm shellacking, “To everyone who voted, I want you to know that I hear you. To the two-thirds of voters who chose not to participate in the process yesterday, I hear you, too.”  Funny, I didn’t hear those two-thirds. What exactly did they say to him beyond “I’m just not that into you anymore”?


Obama's "Bullhorn moment"... "I hear you non-voters!"




FLASHBACK ALERT! Lets juxtapose Obama's "Bullhorn moment" with the original from President Bush.
The original picture - Standing on a pile of rubble that once was the World Trade Center, President Bush addresses the rescue workers...

President Bush: Thank you all. I want you all to know -- it [bullhorn] can't go any louder -- I want you all to know that American today, American today is on bended knee, in prayer for the people whose lives were lost here, for the workers who work here, for the families who mourn. The nation stands with the good people of New York City and New Jersey and Connecticut as we mourn the loss of thousands of our citizens

Rescue Worker: I can't hear you!

President Bush: I can hear you! I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people -- and the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon!

Rescue Workers: [Chanting] U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

OBAMA: Enough with that Bush guy... He is to blame for everything that's wrong now, even 6 plus years into my reign. We need to take the money out of politics in much the same way as my policies have sucked prosperity right out of this economy. Aaaaand we do that with mandates!

Me: But mister president, is mandatory voting even necessary any more, what with the Republican party self-destructing by marginalizing their base of conservatives and true Tea Party patriots, and refusing to lift a finger in opposition to your lawlessness?

Take, for example, Glenn Beck, who announced on his radio show last week - coincidentally, on the same day you mentioned mandatory voting - that he was leaving the Republican party for those very reasons.

If Republicans continue the path they're on, more and more freedom-loving patriots will leave the Republican party, many of whom will stop voting entirely, given the lack of choice at the ballot box, and will look for other ways to restore the republic.

OBAMA: Oh, it's not good enough they stop voting Republican. They WILL vote for the Democrat!

"Load that Beck fella onto the next train car!"

Friday, March 20, 2015

PAYBACK IS A HILLARY! Did Netanyahu Demand Obama withdraw back to his 1967 border to an Indonesian Madrassa?

I stood in front of a mirror and practiced Obama's familiar speech patterns over and over again until I felt I had it right. If I was going to fool the individual on the other end of the phone call with my Obama imitation, there could be no slip-ups.

I knew I had to nail his staccato pseudo-intellectual cadence, sprinkled with liberal uses of transitions such as, "yaknow... uhhhh... buuuut... aaaand... thaaaaat... eh eh eh ya know.. aaaand" seasoned with a unique accent of blended Indonesian Madrassa, Hawaiian Chum gang and Chicago thuggish.

Getting the speech pattern and accent down was just the half of it. I knew what I actually said was equally important. I would be identified as an imposter if I didn't remember to continuously use Alinsky-speak, class warfare rhetoric and sporadic race card charges.

The perpetually tanned, sharply tailored and reclusive conservative blogger known only as "DaBlade" from Chattering Teeth was finally satisfied and dialed the phone.

***RING*** ***RING*** ***RING***

BIBI: Hello, this is Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, but if this is the American mainstream media, just call me "King Bibi".

ME: Uhhhh... Let me be clear... It's me again.

BIBI: Mister President. I didn't expect to hear from you again so soon after your begrudging call yesterday regarding my "apparent" election victory... Apparent. My election was an overwhelming landslide victory, despite your campaign operatives, money and best efforts. Remember what I told you yesterday?

ME: Uhhhh.... No, and thaaaat's why I'm calling. I forgot... whaaaat we really discussed. 

BIBI: Boy, you really are a dim bulb, aren't jya!? Just remember this: "PAYBACK IS A HILLARY!"

ME: Now listen hear Bibi, you need to walk back your stated pre-election opposition to a Palestinian two-state solution and immediately surrender and withdraw to your 1967 borders, or I will go to the U.N. and push for sanctions against Israel.

BIBI: Don't try to puff out your bony pigeon chest with me. We all saw that exercise video of you in Poland last year.

How about this... I demand YOU withdraw to YOUR 1967 borders, with your forehead pressed down on your dusty muslim prayer rug inside an Indonesian Madrassa. Do this and you might not have a mysterious exercise equipment mishap, like your buddy Harry Reid. Kapish?

“Words matter,” said White House spokesIdiot Josh "not so" Earnest. What is this "Kapish?"

BIBI: It's Yiddish for: The results of America's last two elections are good for Barack Hussein Obama in the short run but bad for the United States in the long run.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Island Pursuit, Part II

It was November 5th, 2008, the day after the 2008 U.S. Presidential election (not coincidentally) when I wrote Island Pursuit I, and this, in part:
WTF! I just found out that the globe has ALREADY been circumnavigated! WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW? Check it out on Google map if you don't believe me. Apparently, every land mass has been accounted for... I have this shiny new boat, but no place to row to. Even this frozen wasteland I found on the map called "Canada" is already populated, at least according to wiki. I guess I have to give up the dream of finding a tiny uninhabited island, complete with sandy beaches, gentle tropic breezes, palm trees, coconuts, a bamboo hut, and a volleyball to keep me company. *sigh*


BUT NOW I LEARN THAT MY DREAM LIVES!!!

Tonga officials announced last week that a new island half a mile wide and just under a mile long and 820 feet high was formed off its coast by underwater volcanism.

VOLCANISM? I suppose the fact that Spock died in late February, and now this new island forms is just a coincidence? That wouldn't be logical, my dear fellow Star Wars Trackers.

First Photographs Emerge of New Pacific Island off Tonga


I did have a dream last night.

***Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence***

I dream I'm on Chattering Teeth Island, toes in the sand and sipping on some homemade fermented mixture made from blended Sea anemones. There are small crabs side-winding along the water line, seemingly in rhythm to the strums on my bamboo ukulele. The Island folk are dressed in grass skirting and strategically placed coconuts. Except for me. I am wearing Lederhosen. Did I mention that I'm mayor of Chattering Teeth Island?

Scientists say the island will likely disappear  in a few months, sinking back to the depths from whence it came (I added the "whence" part), so some may think me foolish in relocating there. But really, you have to ask yourselves how much longer you really think you have with obama.

Don't worry, I'll leave the hut candle light on for ya!


Saturday, March 14, 2015

Life of Pi II

PLOT DEVICE: Will a hungry tiger bite off more than he can chew by eating the largest known irrational number?
Welcome to Pi Day, a day set aside by math nerds who love a number a smidgen over '3' with an infinitely huge tail (no, not Kim Kardashian's IQ).

Pi Day, or as the illegal aliens call it, "Catorce de Marzo", is calculated by dividing the circumference of a circle by its diameter, leaving the resulting ratio as 3.14 blah blah blah. It has been 'computed' to over 2.7 TRILLION digits and the Supercomputers are still crunching. I, for one, am infinitely thankful these Supercomputers are doing the work most Americans (or illegal immigrants for that matter) won't do.

FUN FACT: In 2015 (that's this year) AT a fraction of an atomic moment following 9:26:53 am, Cinco de Mayo is EXACTLY 52 days AFTER Catorce de Marzo in 2015, per the Mayan calendar.

ARE YOU LISTENING? I said, "52!". This may not happen again for another hundred years. And I don't have to tell you the significance of this. There are 52 weeks in a year, 52 cards in a deck of playing cards, AND "52" is the code for international direct dial phone calls to Mexico! Kinda blows your cabeza, dont'it?

HELPFUL "TIP": Next time you're using Pi to solve complex algorithms and random vectors in order to calculate the proper amount to leave for a 15% tip, it is standard acceptable etiquette to round your infinite number to just two decimal places.

MOTIVATIONAL TAKE-AWAY: Next time life hands you a lemon and you feel like throwing in the towel and just giving up, just remember Pi hanging in there and continuing to grind the sausage with another number. If "Pi", a lonely consonant followed closely by a single vowel can do it, SO CAN YOU! Just remember, there is no "I" in "Pi"... errr... OK, maybe there is, but there is no "quit" in "Pi".

Please join me in this non-synchronized moment of silence in deference and honor to that number that just refuses to give up. [Pause] Gracias!

Friday, March 13, 2015

I have a pen and I have a hammer

My hammer controversy just keeps getting worse ever since I made this FaceBook post a few days ago:

Full disclosure . I only carry one hammer for convenience, rather than one hammer for work and my separate personal hammer. I hope this doesn't cause an issue. as an underwriter, I rarely have official need for a hammer, but desire one numerous times per day.


When my friend Ed commented this:
"You can have two hammer heads on one handle. One personal and one for work."

I initially discounted his suggestion, but then I saw THIS.
UNITED NATIONS — Reclusive conservative blogger known as DaBlade from Chattering Teeth used a private hammer for "convenience" but has since released all bent nails he pulled from his studio walls that were randomly hammered between his nonsensical blog posts.

I knew my troubles were just beginning. I was not aware of the need for a permit to carry a concealed hammer in my pants.

Looking back, it would have been better for me to use two separate hammers and two separate boxes of nails. I thought using one hammer device would be simpler. Obviously, it hasn't worked out that way.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Obama has impacted race relations in the same way he has for health care, the economy and foreign policy


Bloody Sunday - Obama forgets to spring forward and misses Golf Tee Time

SELMA, Ala - The day after President Obama delivered an incoherent speech commemorating the 50th anniversary of the famous civil rights march, Obama causes his own "Bloody Sunday" at the Selma Golf and Country Club.

"It all started when the president did his 'jog-pimp' up to the first tee box already occupied by 4 club members getting ready to tee off," said the group's pimple-faced teenage golf caddy. 

"The president yells 'HANDS UP, DON'T SHOOT!' and 'I'M THE SLAVE WHO BUILT THE WHITE HOUSE!'  just as Bob was completing his swing and causing his drive to hook through the clubhouse picture window."

Apparently, the president's confusion was a result of Daylight Savings Time, and his forgetting to set his clock ahead one hour. When reminded of the time change, obama held up a mini golf pencil and his phone, and issued an Executive Order delaying Daylight Savings Time for the Selma Country Club grounds until after his golf round was completed. He then got on his phone with the DOJ and ordered that corruption charges be filed against all four white golfers at the first tee box.

Bloody Sunday indeed!

BLOGMASTER's Re-Wind:
Startling new evidence connects Obama's roots to Polynesian Fruit Punch!
I don't know about you, but With the economy in shambles, the unemployment rate over 8% (even with funny math) and With over $5 trillion dollars in new Obama debt - I take great comfort in the knowledge that... SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE, a team of genealogists working tirelessly around the clock may FINALLY show Obama indeed has slave blood. We're saved!




Saturday, March 7, 2015

Ringling Brothers to phase out those cheap lighted sword toys now?

Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus announced today that it will stop selling those cheap plastic swords and other children's light toys that have been merchandising staples for circus concessionaires since the invention of the battery operated incandescent lightbulb.


This startling announcement comes just a few days after Ringling Bros. announced “The Greatest Show on Earth” would be phasing out its elephant performers by 2018 and retiring them to a 200-acre sanctuary in central Florida.

This Chattering Teeth reporter caught up with circus CEO, Hiccups the clown, in his trailer in order to determine just WTF he is thinking. Here is that exclusive interview.

BLADE: First off, thank you for doing this.

HICCUPS: Just make it quick. I only opened the trailer door because I thought you were the bearded lady, my scheduled massage therapist.

BLADE: I'll get right to it then. We'll get to your ridiculous decision to phase out the elephants in just a minute, but why discontinue concession sales of those cheap lighted toy swords? You charge around $30 bucks a pop for those items and they can't cost more than a few pennies to manufacture. You must be raking in a fortune on those pieces of crap. Why kill that cash cow?

HICCUPS: The main reason is that these concession items are primarily geared towards children, and we expect this market segment to disappear once we lose the elephants. I mean, really. Why sell kids toys under the Big Top when we expect to be devoid of kids?

And secondly, you'd be surprised at just HOW MUCH it costs to manufacture those light swords. We spend $42 Million annually just in R&D in efforts to cause these light swords to quit working on the drive home, and NOT BEFORE. If the toy malfunctions during the show, we have to exchange it for one that works, and that can get expensive.

And those sales barkers don't work for free. A side benefit is the all-u-can eat cotton candy for these dudes. I've saved some money by cutting the cotton candy with insulation, but its still costing me a bundle. I've got clown car payments to make ya know!

BLADE: Wait. If you realize that kids won't want to attend a circus without elephants, then why would the adults come?

HICCUPS: I have this radical new idea to only employ my trapeze and high wire acts. They will dress up in outrageous costumes and fly around to various piped-in themed music. One night we might have Beatles music. Another night we will do a themed Elvis act. And we will install slot machine and gaming tables under the tent. That kinda thing. 

BLADE: Uhhh... that sounds suspiciously like the Cirque du Soleil troupes in Vegas, so good luck with that.

HICCUPS: Hmmm. Already being done? Well that blows. **swigs from rum bottle**

BLADE: Let's talk about that decision to pack it in with the pachyderms. Why succumb to the animal rights activists? Do you admit, then, that your elephants suffer abuse?

HICCUPS: That's crazy talk, and another example of liberal political correctness gone a muck. Nobody loves and cares for those animals more than we whose livelihoods are intertwined with these gentle giants. Not once has one of these gentle giants tried to wrestle a law enforcement officer's gun away from them, for example. 

BLADE: Then why?

HICCUPS: I musta been drunk.

BLADE: Like most adults, I have fond childhood memories of the circus. The sights. The sounds. The smells...

HICCUPS: Smells? Don't worry. While the elephants will be gone, I plan to truck in piles of their feces in order to keep that tradition alive. This should draw the liberals.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

In Belinda We Trust

Feminists want to banish Andrew Jackson from the $20 and replace with liberal woman.

Andrew Jackson's portrait has held its place on the $20 bill since Jackson replaced Grover Cleveland in 1928. For the organizers of Women on $20s, that's quite long enough. "A woman's place is on the money," the Women on $20s campaign says. The new group has come up with a list of 15 women it would like to see on the $20 bill instead, including Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt and Harriet Tubman.

I find it highly outrageous that Bruce "Belinda" Jenner did not make the cut! Genitalists!

A spokesbabe for the group Women on $20s stated that the group considered Sandra Fluke for the $20 bill honors, but felt she was better suited for the plug nickel.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Make your own here.


Saturday, February 14, 2015

On Planet Earth, I'll probably stay

"...Son, back in my daaaay, when we heard a song on the favorite local AM radio station (WTAC, "The Big 6"), we rode our bike to Cracker's Records in the Small Mall, or down the road to K-Mart on Dort Highway and bought the entire vinyl album with half-a-week's paper route profits. We would then rush home and play it, stacking our 2-foot speakers in the open bedroom window, cranked and facing out so that our neighborhood Lockhead street friends could also enjoy."

OK, maybe that was a little specific to me.

I bring this up because my 20-year son, Josh, recently "discovered" my Vinyl album collection. It's not THAT impressive of a collection, and the 120-ish albums I still have are only a fraction of what I once owned. Those things were hardly indestructible and would scratch beyond auditory tolerances, even for a teenager. They sometimes would warp so horribly, the needle would jump 3 inches off the turntable every revolution. Or sometimes a favorite album might disappear after it was lent to a friend back in 1980 and you haven't thought about it until just now... Bastard!

And I have no idea whatever happened to those large stacks of 45s, can I get an Amen!? Anyone else once have that gold one?

In any event, Josh asking about my album collection gave me a reason to revisit these and to suggest one or two for his listening pleasure. 

Feast your ears, son! No more music held hostage to a series of sterile digital 1's and 0's. It ain't music unless there is friction involved, along with the familiar vinyl groove produced dirty pop, crackle and hiss.

Numerous selections from multiple artists in no particular order include: Foreigner, Aerosmith, J Geils, Ted Nugent, REO, Cheap Trick, Alice Cooper, Eddie Money, Van Halen, Stones, Seger, The Cars, Talking Heads, Elvis Costello. OK, I won't cherry pick. I also have these... Please don't judge.



I'm very sory you had to see those.

Not that I actually play an album much any more. Maybe once or twice a year I will play a side of one that's one my mind, but usually I just do the YouTube thing for convenience while I'm web surfing or blogging.

When I have a hankerin' for the real thing, my component stereo shelf is wired, ready and willing to melt my face. Behind the glass door on individual stacked shelves is my vintage 35 year-old Technics SL-D3 turntable, a much "newer" Pioneer VSX-402 receiver, as well as a Pioneer CD player.

The wife long ago gave up trying to get me to "garage sale" or otherwise get rid of this techno-dinosaur setup with the accompanying brontosaurus-sized speakers. As an accommodation, the unit sits in a far corner of the lower level, the turntable's arm in the dock and clasped at the "wrist" like a shackle to prevent the prisoner from escaping while awaiting my next "interrogation".

Maybe the reason I have kept those albums and my component setup is for the memories they conjure. My turntable alone elicits a smile just sitting there. Frankly, I am amazed (but happy) it still works. Then again, if it were a similarly aged vintage automobile, it wouldn't yet have 100,000 miles on it, with most of those miles having been traveled in the 1980s.

Ahh, the 1980's, and maybe the real reason I hold on to these vinyl relics of a bygone era, for almost all of them were purchased in the 80s. Music purchased later was either in cassette tapes or compact discs.

The 1980s. For me, they were "the best of times and the worst of times". The decade was like the month of March. You know, "In like a lion and out like a lamb". I spent the 1980s from the tender and idealistic age of 19 through to the wiser realistic age of 29. The wheelhouse of life, as it were. The decade began with my meeting my "now wife", graduating from college and starting my career. Marriage to my sweetheart, then losing my baby brother to a drunk driver, and then losing my father a year later to cancer. Towards the end of the decade comes the birth of my first of my 3 sons. We named him "Adam". The first man. A new beginning.

All of these thoughts and memories are recalled from my browsing through my album collection. Nobody else would understand, for they belong to only me. I'm sure you have your own.

Come back next week for a full recap of the 1990s, and a full dissertation on my furniture pieces from that period. In the meantime, here is what's on my turntable at this moment.



THE END.