Friday, April 17, 2015

THE WOOKIE AWAKENS!

“Chewie... We’re home.”


Great. A new Star Wars movie. I saw the Revenge Attack of The Phantom Menace Sith Clone thingys... and for that reason, I'm out!

I loved the original trilogy. I also loved Pong. However, some things should stay in the past so we can remember them as they were.

Why drag things out from the past, now all smelly and wrinkly, and try to dust them off and prop them up?

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Hillary appears lifelike in campaign video

Hillary Clinton announced this past Sunday that she was running for president.

Here's what some of Hillary's 2 million fake Twitter followers are saying about her campaign rollout...

They did a wonderful job... She appears so lifelike...

I'll say. I can barely smell her any more.

I just hope the wax doesn't melt under the lights...

you'd think that was a real nose if you didn't know where to look.

Someone needs to slip in there and loosen the screw in her navel to let some gas out before the mourners arrive

They really did an excellent job, especially since she's been lying there since the 90s.

HILLARY - I'm waddling running for president. Everyday Americans need a Bimbo Eruption champion, and I want to be that champion.

So what say we go get some burritos!? Who's driving? One of the regrets I have about my public life is that I can't drive any more... or go out in public without being mobbed by admirers...


PICTURED: Hillary buys a burrito at Chipotles. Doesn't tip because none of the kids recognized her. Note to self: Bus in supporters to act as those "real Americans"...


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

I wonder what kind of gaffe mileage Biden gets

After stumbling upon the Ridin' with Biden logo and website yesterday, I couldn't help but fixate on ways to improve it. I kept picturing Joe in a miniature Shriner's parade car.  So, in an attempt to cleanse my mental palette (?)... You be the judge.

The original




The redesign

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Ridin' with Biden, or Tow for Joe?

Are you Ridin' with Biden?

C'mon Plugs, RUN! It wouldn't be the same without ya bro! We have "funny-sad" and "funny-scary" covered in the dimbocrat field. We need your special brand of "funny-funny".

This is not the official Biden logo, should he decide to run. He is currently working on a prototype and promised more flames and 3d arrows than any of the other logos out there. He is working with balls of red, white and blue yarn, but says he will not announce his run until he gets all those knots untangled.

Monday, April 13, 2015

State Dep’t Clarifies Hillary’s Muddled Campaign Announcement stating she has "Fought Children"


Hillary Says She’s ‘Fought Children And Families All Her Career’ in Campaign Announcement




You may remember State Department political apologist Marie Harf's performance just last week in explaining what Obama meant to say in a recent NPR interview when he got 'a Little Mixed Up' in admitting his Iran deal assured them of getting nukes.


Miss Harf is back, having been hired by Hillary to help her with an expected unending litany of gaffes. Lets listen in to her press conference and the downloading of talking points to the state-controlled media on what Hillary's campaign announcement meant to say.

"Outside of a hand full of underage female White House interns during her husband's presidency, Hillary has not fought children and families All her career," stated miss Barf.

That campaign message was "a little mixed up” and “a little muddled,” and Hillary was referring to a hypothetical future state of affairs in which she is somehow not elected president in 2016.

"If I'm cheated out of the presidency again, the gloves are coming off! Unless you vote for me in 2016, I will personally kick your children's a$$es!," slurred Hillary.

The State Department blames Hillary's irrational statements on the lingering effects of her cankle accident. "If you've ever tripped and fallen while dodging imaginary Bosnian gunfire - hitting your head on your club-like cankle which resulted in a subdural hematoma of the transverse sinus venous thrombosis, you know how painful that can be."

Sunday, April 5, 2015

HAPPY EASTER

From Amen Corner. The Master is risen!
Who's on your leader board?

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Pet Rocks Psychology Center

Gary Ross Dahl, the creator of the wildly popular 1970s fad the Pet Rock, has died at age 78.
The smooth stones came packed in a cardboard box containing a tongue-in-cheek instruction pamphlet for "care and feeding." Dahl estimated he had sold 1.5 million of them at roughly $4 each by the time the fad fizzled. The Pet Rock required no work and no time commitment.

I was 14 years old at the time Pet Rocks appeared on the scene, so obviously, I was not of the age to participate in this fade.

In fact, regular readers of this blog know quite well that I did not start talking to rocks until my college years, and by then these beauties were no longer available for sale. *sigh*

It might be hard for today's generation of "yutes" to comprehend just what the heck was the draw for those who purchased these inanimate Pet Rocks. Kids would lock themselves in their bedrooms, stroking and talking to their Pet Rock, sometimes sharing their innermost fears with them or just the latest school gossip. How sad that such a large percentage of lonely kids in the 70s fooled themselves with this illusion of friendship and isolated them from reality.

Thank goodness for social media, right kids?

R.I.P. Mr Dahl. You were a marketing genius. I can't help but wonder how he would have fared with this idea in front of the Shark Tank.
 Full Disclosure: While I never owned a Pet Rock, I did have Sea Monkeys and an Ant Farm.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Obama's Passion - Golf in Palm Beach on Sunday

Palm or Passion Sunday kicks off Holy Week, as we hear the contrasting Gospel readings, and we enter the Church in a Procession waving Palm branches and are invited to identify with the jubilant crowds welcoming the Master into Jerusalem.

On this Palm Sunday, I should like to compare and contrast a King and an ass.


PICTURED: An ass who thinks he's a king, sits in his limousine after arriving in Palm City, Florida, in order to pursue his passion - golf.

PICTURED: The Master and King of the universe, sits on an ass and makes His triumphal entry of into Jerusalem on the first Palm Sunday in order to begin His Passion - His torture and crucifixion for our salvation.

The passion of Christ was directed by the Father's will and resulted in a life whose purpose was the cross (John 12:27).

Obama's purpose seems to be a double cross.

Obama golfing, chilling with buddies at ultra-exclusive Floridian Club

While his negotiators work to partner with Iran in the destruction of Jerusalem
PALM CITY, Fla. (AP) — Faced with a long weekend in an empty White House, President Barack Obama figured he needed a getaway, too, so he put together a golf outing with some buddies... The White House arranged for reporters traveling with the president to stay at a hotel in Port St. Lucie, about a 25-minute drive away.


Then this?
Reporters refuse Obama's dismissal from golf course, are sent to the 'shed'


I can almost see these reporters now. Standing outside the golf cart shed where obama had them banished, waving palm branches and stepping on their tippy toes hoping to get a glimpse of The One on the golf course.

While obama plays around in his sand trap, the rest of us will be reflecting on the following "Sanhedrin Trap".

Gospel, Mark 15:1-39

1 First thing in the morning, the chief priests, together with the elders and scribes and the rest of the Sanhedrin, had their plan ready. They had Jesus bound and took him away and handed him over to Pilate.
2 Pilate put to him this question, 'Are you the king of the Jews?' He replied, 'It is you who say it.'
3 And the chief priests brought many accusations against him.
4 Pilate questioned him again, 'Have you no reply at all? See how many accusations they are bringing against you!'
5 But, to Pilate's surprise, Jesus made no further reply.
6 At festival time Pilate used to release a prisoner for them, any one they asked for.
7 Now a man called Barabbas was then in prison with the rebels who had committed murder during the uprising.
8 When the crowd went up and began to ask Pilate the customary favour,
9 Pilate answered them, 'Do you want me to release for you the king of the Jews?'
10 For he realised it was out of jealousy that the chief priests had handed Jesus over.
11 The chief priests, however, had incited the crowd to demand that he should release Barabbas for them instead.
12 Then Pilate spoke again, 'But in that case, what am I to do with the man you call king of the Jews?'
13 They shouted back, 'Crucify him!'
14 Pilate asked them, 'What harm has he done?' But they shouted all the louder, 'Crucify him!'
15 So Pilate, anxious to placate the crowd, released Barabbas for them and, after having Jesus scourged, he handed him over to be crucified.
16 The soldiers led him away to the inner part of the palace, that is, the Praetorium, and called the whole cohort together.
17 They dressed him up in purple, twisted some thorns into a crown and put it on him.
18 And they began saluting him, 'Hail, king of the Jews!'
19 They struck his head with a reed and spat on him; and they went down on their knees to do him homage.
20 And when they had finished making fun of him, they took off the purple and dressed him in his own clothes. They led him out to crucify him.
21 They enlisted a passer-by, Simon of Cyrene, father of Alexander and Rufus, who was coming in from the country, to carry his cross.
22 They brought Jesus to the place called Golgotha, which means the place of the skull.
23 They offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he refused it.
24 Then they crucified him, and shared out his clothing, casting lots to decide what each should get.
25 It was the third hour when they crucified him.
26 The inscription giving the charge against him read, 'The King of the Jews'.
27 And they crucified two bandits with him, one on his right and one on his left.
28
29 The passers-by jeered at him; they shook their heads and said, 'Aha! So you would destroy the Temple and rebuild it in three days!
30 Then save yourself; come down from the cross!'
31 The chief priests and the scribes mocked him among themselves in the same way with the words, 'He saved others, he cannot save himself.
32 Let the Christ, the king of Israel, come down from the cross now, for us to see it and believe.' Even those who were crucified with him taunted him.
33 When the sixth hour came there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour.
34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani?' which means, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'
35 When some of those who stood by heard this, they said, 'Listen, he is calling on Elijah.'
36 Someone ran and soaked a sponge in vinegar and, putting it on a reed, gave it to him to drink saying, 'Wait! And see if Elijah will come to take him down.'
37 But Jesus gave a loud cry and breathed his last.
38 And the veil of the Sanctuary was torn in two from top to bottom.
39 The centurion, who was standing in front of him, had seen how he had died, and he said, 'In truth this man was Son of God.'


Friday, March 27, 2015

Hidden Imams World Tour - What are the Critics Are Saying?


ANNOUNCER: (think, "MONSTER TRUCK COMMERCIAL" GUY)

There have been plenty of warmup acts, but now comes the headliner of the WWIII Middle East Meltdown "Death to America" Tour!

PICTURED: (left) "Ayatollah Ali 'ZZ Top' Khamenei", supreme leader and lead guitarist - (middle) Barack "Ba-Rock This World" Obama, on Ukulele - (right)  Hassan "straggle beard" Rouhani, bass guitar and president of the band The Hidden Imams.

Obama has officially joined this Radioactive Metal band from Iran, after years of filling in as a frequent guest singer for the group.

HISTORY OF THE BAND
"When we were founded back in 1979, we literally had to hold audiences hostage," said supreme jammer, Khamenei. "The band practiced for years in a fortified underground bunker, and we went by the name "The Spinning Centrifuges" in their early days."

They lost an original band member and good friend of the revolution in previous drummer Mockmood Ahkmadeenadude. It is believed that Mockmood is in treatment for alcohol abuse, and was known in the tabloids for chasing every full veiled burqa in the mosh pit and for riding goats into hotel pools.

With Mockmood on leave, promoters want to know who has replaced him on the drums.

"Don't worry about what we have in mind for percussion. You will learn this very soon," promised Khamenei.

Warmup Act?


HERE'S WHAT THE CRITICS ARE SAYING!

I loved it! Obama's shredding ukulele solo of "Tiptoe through the Mushroom Cloud" was haunting! - The New York Times

'The f*** wrong with Barack Obama?' - Bibi Netanyahu

Obama once stated, "the Muslim call to prayer is one of the prettiest sounds on Earth at sunset." I guess there's no accounting for taste. To me, they both sound like Shiite. - Chattering Teeth News

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Happy El Diablobama Day! Only 666 Days Till Obama Is Out Of Office

According to the official countdown clock...

What, you never heard of El Diablobama Day? Well, that's because I just made it up. If Frank Costanza from Seinfeld can create his own holiday called Festivus, then why can't I?

El Diablobama Day for the rest of us!

... ummm... never mind. I'm still working out the traditions for El Diablobama Day, but I'm pretty sure we will also include the "Feats of Strength" involving after dinner stories of how each of us are coping with this catastrophe of an administration.

If you plan on celebrating El Diablobama Day with me, you'd better hurry as it only happens once. On March 26 of next year, there will be 301 days left to suffer obama, and that doesn't really work.

I suppose there is a chance El Diablobama Day will come around again, say in 2019 and 2023 (obama's 3rd and 4th terms), assuming there is "proof thro' the night, that our flag was still there," and flag poles have not turned into unadorned Festivus aluminum poles.

Let's travel back and peak at a couple of  El Diablobama's 'achievements'...

Here we see El Diablobama back in the Holy Land telling lies to some Jew


Here we see a confused El Diablobama incorrectly interpreting reason why Jesus fasted for forty days in the wilderness. HINT: It was NOT because He forgot to bring along His food "taster" The scripture verse says "tester" not "taster.


Is Obama The Devil? And Did Jesus Lose His EBT?



Tuesday, March 24, 2015

White House Florist "Escorted From The Building." You Won't Believe What Happened Next

BREAKING: Laura Dowling, the White House's head florist since 2009, was recently let go under mysterious circumstances and "was escorted from the building."

There is mounting speculation that the flower girl somehow got on the bad side of First Lady Michelle Obama, leading to her premature pruning.

What may be even more bizarre is what happened next. This Chattering Teeth reporter has just learned that House Speaker John Boehner has invited Dowling to address a joint session of Congress next week about floral artistry, and he didn't first consult with the administration.

Boehner defended his decision stating, "I relate to Laura's signature relaxed arrangements using a vegetable for a centerpiece. For want of a better name, I call it her 'Speaker of the Bouquet'."

"I wanted to make sure that there was no interference. Nobody, including me, wants to see Michelle go nuclear!"

"There's no secret here in Washington about the animosity that Michelle has for Head Florist Dowling," Boehner told Chattering Teeth News. "Frankly, I didn't want her getting in the way of my bountiful bouquet."

No replacement for White House Flower Czar has yet been named. If interested, be forewarned of the following duties and disclaimer from the job posting: Additional duties to include upkeep of the president's secret garden patch. Applicants with any known allergies to cannabis, opium poppy or processed coca leaves need not apply.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Saturday Strange: Kerry Hails Progress on Obama's March Madness Bracket, as The Iran Ayatollahs Advance to Sweet 16

It was indeed a very strange Saturday. Let's see who was paying attention. Class, get your pencils out, turn your cell phones off and no talking.


MULTIPLE CHOICE

I.  After the NC State Wolfpack upset the top seeded Villanova Wildcats to advance in the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, what caused their post game locker room video to go viral?

A) N.C. State’s Cat Barber overheard asking, “the f… (is) wrong with Barack Obama” due to the president selecting Villanova as his bracket pick.

B) N.C. State’s Cat Barber overheard yelling, "Death to America", due to the president selecting Villanova as his bracket pick.

C) N.C. State’s Cat Barber overheard singing Lil Jon’s “Turn Down for What” and exhibits these hilarious dance moves.


II. The day after Obama urged Iran to seize ‘historic opportunity,’ Iran’s Supreme leader Ali Khamenei told a crowd in Tehran.:

A)  “Of course yes, death to America!"

B) “the f… (is) wrong with Barack Obama”?

C) It is true the honeymoon’s already over for “The Bachelor” Chris Soules and fiancĂ©e Whitney Bischoff, and they aren't even married yet - causing the crowd to respond, "Death to the bachelor!"... "Death to the bachelor!"

COMPLETE THE ACTUAL HEADLINE

III. Khamenei calls (A)__________ as Kerry hails progress on (B)_____________.

(A) "Death to America", "to congratulate Benjamin Netanyahu", "Jimmy John's and orders the  J.J.B.L.T. with 6 slices of bacon"
(B) "nuke deal", "Obama's March Madness Bracket", "his turkey sub"

IV. (A)__________  Ted Cruz to announce (B)_____________.

(A) "Texas Senator", "Iran’s Supreme leader", "NC State point guard"
(B) "presidential run", “the f… (is) wrong with Barack Obama”, "four corner stall"

V. WHO SAID IT?
QUOTE: "What I dream is that for one election ... every black person in America vote Republican."

A) ESPN 'First Take' host Stephen A. Smith

B) MSNBC 'All In' with effeminate host Chris Hayes

C)
MSNBC 'Rachel Maddow Show' with manly host of the same name (if not gender) Rachel Maddow

ANSWER KEY: 

I, 
II & III, 
IV, 
V
 

So how did you do?
 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

OBAMA ORDERS MANDATORY VOTING


last week, Obama leaked his dream for mandatory voting in the U.S.

"Other countries have mandatory voting... It would be transformative if everybody voted."

You mean like in North Korea, where their recent Supreme People's Assembly election results sported a whopping 99.97% turnout?

OBAMA: 99.97% turnout? I can beat that! The ignorant and uniformed voters put me into office not once, but TWICE! and that was AFTER voter participation declined to 57% in the 2012 presidential election.  

With the millions and millions of folks over the age of 112 with social security numbers,  there is no reason why those participation numbers couldn't be pushed up to, say 125 or 130% - And thats even after continuing my practice of not counting the votes from those serving in the military overseas.

Coming to an election near you... mandatory voting!!!

North Korea's villages and cities surround a central plaza. There are no Starbucks or Burger King ads and billboards visible, Just the impoverished masses walking the streets lined with giant mosaics of the country's founder, Kim Il Sung, and his son, Kim Jong Il. Bright slogans on posters, murals and banners lift the spirits and fill the citizens with hope. See the wide smiles on their faces?

Nevermind the smiles never seem to reach their terrified or vacant eyes. "Yes we can"!



HOPE & CHANGE

But what to do about those pesky mid-term elections when a majority of the ignorant obamafone masses stay home?

Obama’s Mandatory Voters

Uninformed voters put him in office, and their non-participation in the 2010 and 2014 elections caused Democrats to lose more seats in the House of Representatives during the Obama midterms than suffered by any president since Harry Truman.

That’s why a desperate Obama said, following his second straight midterm shellacking, “To everyone who voted, I want you to know that I hear you. To the two-thirds of voters who chose not to participate in the process yesterday, I hear you, too.”  Funny, I didn’t hear those two-thirds. What exactly did they say to him beyond “I’m just not that into you anymore”?


Obama's "Bullhorn moment"... "I hear you non-voters!"




FLASHBACK ALERT! Lets juxtapose Obama's "Bullhorn moment" with the original from President Bush.
The original picture - Standing on a pile of rubble that once was the World Trade Center, President Bush addresses the rescue workers...

President Bush: Thank you all. I want you all to know -- it [bullhorn] can't go any louder -- I want you all to know that American today, American today is on bended knee, in prayer for the people whose lives were lost here, for the workers who work here, for the families who mourn. The nation stands with the good people of New York City and New Jersey and Connecticut as we mourn the loss of thousands of our citizens

Rescue Worker: I can't hear you!

President Bush: I can hear you! I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people -- and the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon!

Rescue Workers: [Chanting] U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

OBAMA: Enough with that Bush guy... He is to blame for everything that's wrong now, even 6 plus years into my reign. We need to take the money out of politics in much the same way as my policies have sucked prosperity right out of this economy. Aaaaand we do that with mandates!

Me: But mister president, is mandatory voting even necessary any more, what with the Republican party self-destructing by marginalizing their base of conservatives and true Tea Party patriots, and refusing to lift a finger in opposition to your lawlessness?

Take, for example, Glenn Beck, who announced on his radio show last week - coincidentally, on the same day you mentioned mandatory voting - that he was leaving the Republican party for those very reasons.

If Republicans continue the path they're on, more and more freedom-loving patriots will leave the Republican party, many of whom will stop voting entirely, given the lack of choice at the ballot box, and will look for other ways to restore the republic.

OBAMA: Oh, it's not good enough they stop voting Republican. They WILL vote for the Democrat!

"Load that Beck fella onto the next train car!"

Friday, March 20, 2015

PAYBACK IS A HILLARY! Did Netanyahu Demand Obama withdraw back to his 1967 border to an Indonesian Madrassa?

I stood in front of a mirror and practiced Obama's familiar speech patterns over and over again until I felt I had it right. If I was going to fool the individual on the other end of the phone call with my Obama imitation, there could be no slip-ups.

I knew I had to nail his staccato pseudo-intellectual cadence, sprinkled with liberal uses of transitions such as, "yaknow... uhhhh... buuuut... aaaand... thaaaaat... eh eh eh ya know.. aaaand" seasoned with a unique accent of blended Indonesian Madrassa, Hawaiian Chum gang and Chicago thuggish.

Getting the speech pattern and accent down was just the half of it. I knew what I actually said was equally important. I would be identified as an imposter if I didn't remember to continuously use Alinsky-speak, class warfare rhetoric and sporadic race card charges.

The perpetually tanned, sharply tailored and reclusive conservative blogger known only as "DaBlade" from Chattering Teeth was finally satisfied and dialed the phone.

***RING*** ***RING*** ***RING***

BIBI: Hello, this is Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, but if this is the American mainstream media, just call me "King Bibi".

ME: Uhhhh... Let me be clear... It's me again.

BIBI: Mister President. I didn't expect to hear from you again so soon after your begrudging call yesterday regarding my "apparent" election victory... Apparent. My election was an overwhelming landslide victory, despite your campaign operatives, money and best efforts. Remember what I told you yesterday?

ME: Uhhhh.... No, and thaaaat's why I'm calling. I forgot... whaaaat we really discussed. 

BIBI: Boy, you really are a dim bulb, aren't jya!? Just remember this: "PAYBACK IS A HILLARY!"

ME: Now listen hear Bibi, you need to walk back your stated pre-election opposition to a Palestinian two-state solution and immediately surrender and withdraw to your 1967 borders, or I will go to the U.N. and push for sanctions against Israel.

BIBI: Don't try to puff out your bony pigeon chest with me. We all saw that exercise video of you in Poland last year.

How about this... I demand YOU withdraw to YOUR 1967 borders, with your forehead pressed down on your dusty muslim prayer rug inside an Indonesian Madrassa. Do this and you might not have a mysterious exercise equipment mishap, like your buddy Harry Reid. Kapish?

“Words matter,” said White House spokesIdiot Josh "not so" Earnest. What is this "Kapish?"

BIBI: It's Yiddish for: The results of America's last two elections are good for Barack Hussein Obama in the short run but bad for the United States in the long run.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Island Pursuit, Part II

It was November 5th, 2008, the day after the 2008 U.S. Presidential election (not coincidentally) when I wrote Island Pursuit I, and this, in part:
WTF! I just found out that the globe has ALREADY been circumnavigated! WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW? Check it out on Google map if you don't believe me. Apparently, every land mass has been accounted for... I have this shiny new boat, but no place to row to. Even this frozen wasteland I found on the map called "Canada" is already populated, at least according to wiki. I guess I have to give up the dream of finding a tiny uninhabited island, complete with sandy beaches, gentle tropic breezes, palm trees, coconuts, a bamboo hut, and a volleyball to keep me company. *sigh*


BUT NOW I LEARN THAT MY DREAM LIVES!!!

Tonga officials announced last week that a new island half a mile wide and just under a mile long and 820 feet high was formed off its coast by underwater volcanism.

VOLCANISM? I suppose the fact that Spock died in late February, and now this new island forms is just a coincidence? That wouldn't be logical, my dear fellow Star Wars Trackers.

First Photographs Emerge of New Pacific Island off Tonga


I did have a dream last night.

***Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence***

I dream I'm on Chattering Teeth Island, toes in the sand and sipping on some homemade fermented mixture made from blended Sea anemones. There are small crabs side-winding along the water line, seemingly in rhythm to the strums on my bamboo ukulele. The Island folk are dressed in grass skirting and strategically placed coconuts. Except for me. I am wearing Lederhosen. Did I mention that I'm mayor of Chattering Teeth Island?

Scientists say the island will likely disappear  in a few months, sinking back to the depths from whence it came (I added the "whence" part), so some may think me foolish in relocating there. But really, you have to ask yourselves how much longer you really think you have with obama.

Don't worry, I'll leave the hut candle light on for ya!