Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Newspaper to become Donut Shop in Jersey

Newspaper office being sold, set to become donut factory

The Trentonian newspaper headquarters on Perry Street in Trenton, NJ will become a huge Dunkin’ Donuts. Another 'brick and mortar' newspaper building gets re-purposed, this time not as a medical school or vegetable stand (eww), but a DONUT OUTLET!

If buildings have feelings, I choose to believe the Trentonian is weeping with joy for its fortuitous future. After years and years of churning out products made of newsprint and ink (and inserted with sales ads) to feed the mind, it will soon be churning out products made with
Enriched Unbleached Wheat Flour (Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Iron as Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrate, Enzyme, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Palm Oil, Water, Dextrose, Soybean Oil, Whey (a milk derivative), Skim Milk, Yeast, Contains less than 2% of the following: Salt, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda), Defatted Soy Flour, Wheat Starch, Mono and Diglycerides, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Cellulose Gum, Soy Lecithin, Guar Gum, Xanthan Gum, Artificial Flavor, Sodium Caseinate (a milk derivative), Enzyme, Colored with (Turmeric and Annatto Extracts, Beta Carotene), Eggs; Glaze: Sugar, Water, Maltodextrin, Contains 2% or less of: Mono and Diglycerides, Agar, Cellulose Gum, Citric Acid, Potassium Sorbate (Preservative), Artificial Flavor.
and inserted with custard, crème or jelly filling to feed the soul.

I haven't had home delivery in almost 7 years, but donuts! So I decided to give The Trentonian a call.

***RING*** ***RING***
CSR: Trentonian Circulation Department, how may I help you?

ME: Yes, I would like to start a home delivery subscription. Do you deliver in Michigan?

CSR: Yes sir, we can start a mail subscription for you today.

ME: Mail?... errr... won't they get stale? 

CSR: Some say our product is stale the minute it rolls down the production line. Therefore, may I suggest you try our e-edition?

ME: What, you just email me a photo of a glazed or nutty every day?

CSR: Oh, so you know our editor, Mr Glazed and our publisher, Mr Nutty?

ME: Sorry babe, ya lost me. Just start me up on a Sunday Only subscription... You know, a real porch thumper. How about a dozen Bear Claws every Sunday?


Disclaimer: eating a dozen donuts 7-days per week will cause circulation issues.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Hey Sparty, Can you hear me now?

Hey, I’m Paul, I'm that schmarmy and effeminate pretend hipster who wears horn-rimmed glasses and a real imitation faux-leather jacket. I used to be known for those Verizon commercials where I asked, "Can you hear me now?."

But guess what, it’s 2016, and every network is great. In fact, Sprint’s reliability is now within 1% of Verizon.

Hey, I'm Jim Bob, and I never went to college but I used to be a Spartan fan and our slogan was, "It Starts Here," and I used to talk smack on the 'puter to all the Michigan fans. Not anymore. And certainly not after our 4th straight loss, with the latest against Northwestern - who lit us up for 54 points. Talk about 'Sh*tty coverage!'.
But guess what, it’s 2016, and the Michigan Wolverines are great.  Can I switch my loyalties like Paul?


Sunday, October 16, 2016

Did Circus Clowns Kill Pedals the Bear?

The Facebook page for New Jersey’s celebrity bear Pedals reports that the beloved black bear has been assassinated.

 Chattering Teeth News - Residents around the quiet suburbs of New Jersey are in mourning today after learning the fate of their beloved adopted mascot, Pedals the bear, reportedly killed by a hunter during the bow and arrow hunting season last week. This blog does not know if the arrow-riddled carcass has been positively confirmed to be Pedals - but let's just say that in light of all the recent clown sightings, we are a little suspicious.

In life, Pedals walked upright due to missing a front paw, and loved to stroll through these neighborhoods apparently in search of pic-a-nic baskets. He was often spotted rummaging through garbage cans and local dumpsters just like a good chunk of other unemployed NJ residents of the human persuasion, due to obama's economy-stiffling policies.

"Last Friday I was sittin' on my porch drinkin' beer when dis bear walks by on two legs down the sidewalk. I just thought it was some dude in a bear suit checking his Fitbit," said an unnamed Joisey source. "That is until he squatted and laid one mean steamin' pile in my front yard."

While a local hunter has taken responsibility for killing Pedals, this blog believes the bear carcass he brought may be an imposter - with the hunter surreptitiously removing a paw to fake his kill and gain notoriety.

In any case, while this blog still holds out hope that Pedals is roaming free in the NJ countryside, it fears he is currently being bullied by Harambe and Cecil in Animal heaven.
(because they're kinda dicks)


I think they do.

Meanwhile, Hiccups the clown is a clown of interest in this case and is wanted for questioning.

Be on the lookout for a very, very small clown car loaded with his bearded ol' lady and approximately 50 of his clown gang members.


Saturday, October 15, 2016

Dylan or Pooh?

Yes, this is what this political season has me resorting to.

The big news of the past week...
Some have called him a poet laureate who "dramatically redefined the boundaries of literature, setting off a debate about whether song lyrics have the same artistic value as poetry or novels."

But enough about the song stylings of Winnie-the-Pooh, who turned 90 years old yesterday. A A Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh was published October 14, 1926, and was Winnie-the-pooh so much as awarded a huney pot by the mainstream media? (SPOILER ALERT: NO!)

Apparently, some old folk singer named Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize for his lyric scribblings. The dude may have some talent for writing, but he sure can't carry a tune like Christopher Robin's stuffed teddy. Talk about getting the short end of the wooden honey dipper!

I would even argue that Pooh's song lyrics were superior to Dylan's. Need proof?

DYLAN: The wind howls like a hammer.("Love Minus Zero / No Limit")
POOH: Oh, the wind is lashing lustily; And the trees are thrashing thrustily; And the leaves are rustling gustily ("A RATHER BLUSTERY DAY")
Winner: Pooh

DYLAN: Once upon a time, you looked so fine; Threw the bums a dime in your prime … didn’t youuuuuuuuuu?; You never understood that it ain’t no good, You shouldn’t let other people get your kicks for youuuuuuuu
POOH: The wonderful thing about Tiggers; Is Tiggers are wonderful things; Their tops are made out of rubber; Their bottoms are made out of springs; They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy;Fun, fun, fun, fun fun!; But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is;I'm the only one
Winner: Pooh

DYLAN:Wiggle wiggle wiggle like a bowl of soup; Wiggle wiggle wiggle like a rubber hoop ("Wiggle Wiggle")
POOH: I'm so rumbly in my tumbly; Time for something sweet ("RUMBLY IN MY TUMBLY")

OK, I gotta give that one to Bobby. So that got me to thinking... what if these two had collaborated? Like peanut butter and chocolate. Can we take two great songs and make them better? I think so.

I call this,
"All Along the Pooh Tower"

pics from A Smackerel for Crows

"There must be some way out of here" said the joker to the thief
Deep in the Hundred Acre Wood,
Where Christopher Robin plays.
"There's too much confusion", I can't get no relief

Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth
A donkey named Eeyore is his friend.
And Kanga and Little Roo
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth.

"No reason to get excited", the thief he kindly spoke
There's Rabbit and Piglet. And there's Owl.
"There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke
But most of all Winnie the Pooh!

Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh,
But you and I, we've been through that, and this is not our fate
A tubby, little cubby, all stuffed with fluff.
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late".

He's Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh.
All along the watchtower, princes kept the view
He's Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh.
While all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too.

He's Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh.
Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl
There's Rabbit and Piglet. And there's Owl.
Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl.
A willy, nilly silly old bear.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Grab 'em by the "Hannity"

Trump's "hot mic" moment.
It is most cringe-worthy watching the Trumpeter apologists do the moral equivalence dance. Just stop.

At least there is a silver lining. One day, folks will look back on this sordid episode and realize this was the moment when the phrase, "Grab 'em by the Hannity" was popularized.

If Shep Smith Monitored The Next Debate

I had insomnia so I watched a little of the Hurricane Matthew coverage in the middle of the night. While these storms are not to be trifled with, may we agree it was way over-hyped everywhere? I don't watch Faux Snooze so I missed this one:
Shepard Smith Freaks Out About Hurricane Matthew

I can almost see it now...
Mr. Trump, do you know what happens to those who stand in the way of Hurricane Hillary's path? Have you seen her body count list? Ever heard of Vince Foster? James McDougall? Benghazi?
She moves 30 feet to her right, and you and everyone you know are dead — all of you — because you can’t survive it. It’s not possible unless you’re very, very lucky. And your kids die, too.

WOW! Shep reminded me of Henry Kane, the ghoul on the porch scene in Poltergeist 2:

Kane: You're all gonna die in there! All of you! You are gonna die!

Hmmm. I think I'd rather have Reverend Kane on my front porch than the tiny karate hands of that buffoon, Sean Hannity. Or the jowly nonsensical mumbler, Brit Hume. Or any of the other establishment apologists over at Fox. 

The good news is, just like the "faux reverend, Kane," The "Faux News Channel" must be invited into the home willingly. Neither can just barge in and bludgeon you into violating your values by possessing you to vote for Trump.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Hurricanes no threat during Obama's reign (Climate Denied!)

In Obama's nomination victory in 2008, he made the claim that, "This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to ... when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal."

Boy, was he right, or what?

Remember, Obama had been president-elect for ONLY 3 DAYS when he turned Hurricane Paloma away from our shores by the sheer force of his planet-healing will.

As you can see from the chart, it took Texas oilman George W. Bush a few years in order to unleash his environmental destruction, but once he got going - BOY, HOWDY!

In the 2004 and 2005 seasons, Bush manipulated the climate and created 11 named hurricanes that caused untold damage and ruin. Everybody remember Katrina? Bush created and steered that storm, not just into the gulf and towards Louisiana, but directly into the Lower 9th Ward of New Orleans while he watched his handiwork from 10,000 feet through the window of his cushy jet. Hmmm. Wonder why Mister Bush!

So be a Climate Denier all you want, but the tally of the tape don't lie, bro! 18 destructive storms under Texas oilman Bush, to only 4 minor dust-ups that created INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES and INFRASTRUCTURE SHOVEL-READY JOBS under President Obama.

So excuse me if I don't get excited about some tropical breeze named "Matthew" while Obama be juicin'.

So rest assured and let not your heart be troubled about Hurricane Matthew, and instead be frightened by something deserving of your fear - namely, clowns. I'm not worried about Hurricane Matthew's storm surge. Its the possibility of a clown surge for which we should be scared.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Bill Clinton Stares at Flint's Weather Ball

...When the weather ball is red, another commie is ahead.

You may recall Bill Clinton's reaction to the balloon drop at the DNC convention in January. He stood mesmerized and with mouth agape, as the netting bra released the colorful round mounds from the ceiling. He playfully batted and kicked them to and fro as they floated within range. You could see in his eyes that nothing else existed in the entire world to Bill in those moments, and we couldn't help but wonder if this was what Lewinsky saw when releasing her balloons.

Bill Clinton was in Flint yesterday to campaign for his wife, Hilery (sic). This was yet another reason for me not to break my almost 7 year absense from the city where I grew up and worked (besides the current prohibitive distance of about 7 miles).

I haven't been in downtown Flint in so long that I don't know if the old Citizen's Bank Weather Ball is actually still there. Since the 50's, the Weather Ball has been a sort of Flint icon (like street violence and lead water) and has dominated the city's skyline. There is a well-known jingle we grew up with around these parts that goes like this:

When the weather ball is red, warmer temperatures ahead.
When the weather ball is blue, colder temperatures are due.
Yellow light in the weather ball means there will be no change at all.
When it blinks in agitation, there will be precipitation.

If it is still there (and it was lit up) I imagine it at least distracting Bill Clinton for a few hours.

Maybe that potential problem was foreseen in advance and a large tarp was thrown over the Weather Ball to keep it out of sight from Billy's wandering eyes. After all, Georgetown University was forced to use tarps to cover the crucifixes and all other references to Jesus Christ in advance of Barack Obama's visit back in 2009.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

October Surprise Predictions - You Won't Believe What's About To Happen!

It's October, meaning political pundits everywhere are girding their loins and waiting for the other shoe to drop. NOTE: Hilery (sic) left the first shoe on the curb by her limo.

Here are just a few of my October Surprise predictions:

Julian Assange of Wikileaks keeps his promise by releasing damaging information meant to sink Hilery's (sic) presidential aspirations once and for all. Her poll numbers and lead over Trump increase dramatically as a result.

Conspiracy theorists have suggested that Hilery (sic) used "hand signals" to communicate with moderator Lester Holt during the first presidential debate, as if moderators have ever needed promptimg in rigging these debates. To dispel these charges from the "parent's basement dwellers", Hilery (sic) performed the next debates in a full straight jacket pantsuit. Her poll numbers and lead over Trump increase dramatically as a result.


FULL DISCLOSURE: I have used hand signals at my TV and directed at the moderators during these debates for many years.  

Hilery (sic) puts out a list of possible Supreme Court nominees, and topping her list is Alicia Machado, the former Venezuelan Miss Universe who Hilery (sic) claimed was "fat-shamed" by Trump in 1996. Machado would join Sonia Sotomayor as the only other woman on the court of Latin descent. The pair become known as the "Wise Latina" and the "Size XXXL Latina." 

Is Trump trying to lose?  The theory that Donald Trump got into the presidential race in order to hand the White House to Hilery (sic) and to destroy the Republican Party "got real" when Trump showed up to the second presidential debate wearing an army helmet, ala Michael Dukakis. Trump spent two thirds of the debate simply over-enunciating the word "Chi-naaah". Her poll numbers and lead over Trump increase dramatically as a result.


Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt reach an amended temporary custody agreement that will allow Brad to visit Angelina's father, Jon Voight,  monitored by a therapist.

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick suffers third degree burns after his afro catches fire when he attempts to burn the American flag during all his free time on the sidelines and bench.

The United States reneged on earlier agreement to hand over the oversight of the internet to a global entity when it learned it's self-professed inventor, Algore, was not part of the agreement and we were expected to keep him.

Those are my predictions so far. Yours?

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

"Hillarity and Hijinks" from Last Night's Debate

So I watched the debate on TV last night between that portly and bombastic man and that woman whom I shall not name who shared the stage with him. It was obvious to me from the spirited back-and-forth that she was lost in this great man's shadow, having much less experience in entertainment TV.

I know that some folks watching this debate sided with the man while some sided with the woman simply because they shared their genitalia type. I took no sides, and instead contented myself with belly laughs and snorts after every outlandish utterance of fake dialog. No laugh track necessary!

From what I could gather, the man's main beef was that he had spent the last 30-some years actually working and earning an honest living, while she spent all that time selfishly thinking about herself and setting up everything in her sphere of influence just to benefit herself.

From her perspective, she didn't deny his charges, but tried to make the case that she was much better at making the important decisions than he was.

While the debate was contentious at times, it was obvious these two really loved each other and actually wanted exactly the same things.

So that is my recap of "Sleep Disorder", the title of the second episode of the new comedy TV series, Kevin Can Wait, starring Kevin James and Erinn Hayes as his TV wife.

I'm quite sure there will be more hillarity and hijinks next week.
As for the 9PM hour immediately following, I thought I was watching a repeat - but instead was the presidential debate between the protectionist populist progressive Trump and Hilery (sic).

While the debate was contentious at times, it was obvious these two really loved each other and actually wanted exactly the same things.

The joke is on us in that one.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Black Caucus Dinner Insults

Obama: Would be 'personal insult' to legacy if black voters don't back Clinton

Saturday night at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation gala dinner

OBAMA: If I hear anybody saying their vote does not matter, that it doesn't matter who we elect -- read up on your history. Or weren't you educated in a muslim Indonesian Madrassa?

Barack so stupid, If he had a brain he'd take it out and play with it.

I will consider it a personal insult -- an insult to my legacy if those with my particular shade of skin melons and genetic blend do not support that old and tottering racist white biotch. an outsider, what's your view of the human race?

Let me be clear. I need all of my bruthas and sistas who are also half white and half Kenyan to put down their bongs for an hour - get a ride to the polls and vote a few times for Hillary.

... mouth is moving, words are coming out, this is never good!

My name may not be on the ballot, but our progress is on the ballot. My pen and my phone is on the ballot.

Hey Barack! You'll never be the man Michelle is!

By the way, there's an extra spring in my step tonight. I don't know about you guys, but I am so relieved that the whole 'birther' thing is over.

Yo mama's doctor called with her colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head!


Friday, September 16, 2016



So you want to be a Hillary Handler? Do you believe you have what it takes?

We here at the Hillary Handler Training Academy take your training very seriously. The Academy is located in a sprawling underground campus hidden under Chelsea's house (with a fully staffed hospital). After successfully completing this 6-week course consisting of a combination of classroom and grueling obstacle course work, you will have the following skills:

* Ninja-like ability to be camouflaged in plain sight - the ability to always be within proximity of "the subject" and ready to assist at a moment's notice, but out-of-the-way and not immediately noticeable to others in the crowded groupings.

* Magician-like skills and ability to appear out of nowhere to surreptitiously administer booster shots to "the subject" of whatever is needed at the time from a concealed-carry syringe and vials of various medications for strokes & seizures - but all labeled for "allergies".

* Fireman-like strength and ability to catch the subject after a sudden collapse and to deadlift and drag the subject into the waiting and idling van in such a way as to make it appear the subject is still conscious and animated under their own power. 

* NASCAR-like driving abilities in case the regular driver suffers an accidental ashtray throw from the back seat to his temple. (we here at the Hillary Handler Training Academy believe in cross-training our HH Agents)

Those with family, friends, neighbors or loved ones who would otherwise notice their eventual permanent disappearance need not apply.

Monday, September 12, 2016


Clinton cancels West Coast visit to rest
Hillary Clinton canceled plans to visit California on Monday and Tuesday and instead will rest at her home in Chappaqua, N.Y. following a medical episode that caused her to stagger and faint Sunday at a 9/11 commemoration ceremony, her campaign said.

Clinton stumbled off the curb, her "knees buckled" and she lost a shoe as she was helped into a van during her "unexpected early departure." The NYPD was sent to retrieve Clinton's shoe, according to NBC.

As I was reading the article, I remember thinking how strange it was that I hadn't fallen asleep. I mean, "I don't feel no ways tired." You see, I suffer from a rare form of narcolepsy that only seems to manifest itself when confronted with a story about Hillary Cli... *yawn*.. Zzzzzz

Cue wavy lines for the upcoming blog dream sequence of fairy tale already in progress...

Hillerella was sick and tired of always being the ugly stepsister when it came to winning the hand of the  democrat nominee for president. Her "prince".  For once, SHE wanted to be the UGLY sister nominee! No, she NEEDED to be!

And why not!? She's earned it.  After all those years running interference for her husband, the pied piper with the bent flute and a trail of bimbos in his wake.

And then in 2008, when the nomination was all but hers - in rides Obama on a unicorn to steal her prize. IT WASN"T FAIR! SHE wanted to be the one to fundamentally change and destroy this country. 

But it was not to be, for she was forced to eat the poisoned apple and sleep for the next 8 years.

Well NOW was her time, and she was dancing with the prince once again. She wasn't going to let a little coughing spasm and a virulent case of pneumonia stop her from grabbing the brass ring and hugging a child despite her contagious infection.
That mean 'ol Trump wolf was not going to huff and puff and blow her house down, not if the mainstream media could help it.

"Where's my *cough*... shoe?," groaned Hillerella. "There's only 2 months left until the election! The DNC better not even *cough*... THINK about *cough* trying to slip that on someone else's foot *cough* It is formed to MY cankle!"


Sunday, August 14, 2016


This one is for my FB buddy Tom, who likes to call me 'stupid' or 'dumb' because I won't support Trump - and also for the rest of those who try to bludgeon a Trump vote by stating that not voting for Trump is like a vote for Hilery (sic), or that Trump is obviously better than Hilery (sic); or warning that if Hilery (sic) is elected, we will lose our country in 8 years (as if I can still recognize the country I'm currently blogging in); or my personal favorite: "(then) face the consequences of the future Supreme Court." (but why repeat myself).

NEWSFLASH: If (when) Trump loses, it's his fault - and because he was the wrong candidate. 

I know it's a popular argument from many trumpeters to state that if Trump loses, it's somehow my fault. I don't blame the cupcakes who never supported the only constitutional conservative during the primaries for finger-pointing. After all, your candidate is already positioning and leveraging himself for the loss.

Then again, Einstein and his chalkboard may have this all figured out.  
In conclusion, Hilery (sic) is a despicable human being and I would never vote for her. I certainly understand those of like-mind who plan to hold their nose and vote for somebody they determine to be less despicable than Hilery (sic). I respect their choice and pledge from here forward not to try to influence them to my camp of nevertrump - as long as they give me the same courtesy.