Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Twilight Zone: #refugeeswelcome!!!

You're traveling through another liberal dementia - a dementia not only of sight and sound, but of mind, a journey into the Swedish land whose boundaries are that of media imagination. Your next stop, the refugee twilight zone.

Jihad Johnny: Television night tonight. I'm going to make mainstream media television for everybody.  
ALL: It's Good!!! It's CNN and everything in Sweden is goood!

Not many dogs left now, Johhny.
You why, you wished them all away.
I don't like them.
They didn't like me.
I hate anybody like that.
I hate anybody that doesn't like me.
Why, everybody loves you,  Jihad Johnny!
#refugeeswelcome!!!

Monday, February 20, 2017

Cowpocalypse. It's started.

Police department in Connecticut warns residents about unfamiliar cattle
SUFFIELD, Conn. (WCMH)– The Suffield Police Department posted on their Facebook Sunday warning residents about two suspicious males going door to door in the area.

The suspects? Young cattle who had gotten loose and were wandering the area.

The department shared a photo of the culprits with a caption that said:
Early this morning officers responded to a complaint of 2 suspicious males going door to door trying to sell dairy products. Officers determined that the 2 individuals did not have a solicitors permit and were apprehended after a short foot pursuit. We would like to remind everyone to NEVER open your doors to any unfamiliar cattle.
There were no injuries reported in the incident.

In Other News:

"It's for you, Mooshell. It's that Lena Dunham & Amy Schumer."

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Tillerson's Plumbing & Leak Repair

Do you have a swamp and need it drained? Did you just move into a new house and find out you have a bad leak in your kitchen? Don't panic! Just call Rex at Tillerson's Plumbing & Leak Repair.

Hi, I'm Rex, at Tillerson's Plumbing & Leak Repair. Your leak is most likely being caused by a bad O-ring, especially if the O-ring has been in place for the last 8 long years.

That's where I come in. I will not only remove the old O-rings from your leaky system, but I will replace them with shiny new T-joints. (Don't worry, it'll be great!)

While I'm at it, I will rip out the stripped and dysfunctional coupling nut (or the "Pelosi," as I like to call it), and I will give the Spout feed (or the "Press corp," as I like to call it) several blows from my wrench. This may seem counter-intuitive, but that's why I'm the professional.

 WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT PESKY OLD O-RING, ONCE IT HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THE SYSTEM:

Should you discard it?

ANSWER: I don't talk about certain other things, you're going to be surprised to hear that. I don't have to tell you. I don't want to be one of these guys that say, "Yes, here's what we're going to do." I don't have to do that.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

'Squatch Update

First, this -
There was a “Potsquatch” (a/k/a “The Abominable Weedman”) sighting last week during a live weather broadcast in Springfiled, Massachusetts.

Then this:

Bill would make Sasquatch "official cryptid" of Washington

OLYMPIA, Wash. - A new bill seeks to designate Sasquatch as the "official cryptid" of Washington state.

A cryptid is defined by Oxford dictionary as an "animal whose existence or survival is disputed or unsubstantiated."

The bill, sponsored by Republican Sen. Ann Rivers of La Center, was introduced this week.

The measure says that Sasquatch — also known as Bigfoot or Forest Yeti — has "made immeasurable contributions to Washington state's cultural heritage and ecosystem."

The first thing to note here is that not all the weed is on the East coast.

What is not clear is how much is Ann Rivers smokin'?
From her FaceBook page:
 Caleb. Now we've run down her dealer. I found Caleb's Squatch online petition page, and as of this morning there were 17 supporters.

I sent him an email with a marketing idea. I told him to have Ann ad to her bill a protection for the endangered Gay, Lesbian,  Bi, and Transgendering Sasquatch. Watch the support skyrocket.

You're welcome.

Monday, February 13, 2017

California Dike Failure Imminent


Remember this?
“We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it.”

Now this:
'Suspend Flynn So That We Can See if He Should Be Suspended'
“General Flynn should be suspended and have his intelligence clearance revoked until the facts are known about his secret contacts with the Russians," she said.


Chattering Teeth News - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) continues to show signs of mental erosion, as the rate of idiocy that is overflowing from her piehole spillway is increasing at an alarming rate.

Engineers are warning that if her dentures slip and completely fail, the results would be a devestating unleashing of uncontrolled flood of asininity upon towns below The Hill.

The senselessness and imbecility that is Pelosi threatens to rapidly spread out and overtake all of us. An evacuation was ordered for any within Pelosi's purview, and panicked and angry congress-people were sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic trying to leave the area.

There is an emergency plan to plug the hole by using helicopters to drop rocks into her over-sized crevasse.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

This little piggy cried, "wee wee wee wee"

Europe may have become a hotbed for radical Islam with the huge influx of Muslims over the last two decades, but that is no reason why their city alleys and shadowy doorways have to become "hot and steamy" beds, if you're picking up what I'm laying down.

Public urination is a huge problem in France. With that in mind, French designers introduce an attractive, civilized, eco-friendly and aesthetically pleasing way for men to seek relief when they've REALLY got to go!

I see London, I see France. No more soiled underpants!


...as immigrants hole up in hovels outside major cities., the mother nature network reports:
Paris gives compost-generating public urinals a 'dry' run
Based on the effectiveness of the test runs in Paris and in Nantes, the duo’s attractive, low-odor dry urinals could potentially become a staple in not just French cities but anywhere where men, inebriated or not, have rudely unzipped and left their mark.

“Beyond the terrible smell, urine degrades lamp posts and telephone poles, damages cars, pollutes the Seine and undermines everyday life of a city. Cleaning up wastes water, and detergents are damaging for the environment.”

One of the most dramatic examples of the damage that unchecked public urination can have on the built environment comes not from France but from Germany where the mighty sandstone walls of Ulm Minister, the tallest church in the world, are eroding due to the frequent spray of intoxicated wildpinklers.–


Whether you see refugees or invaders, there is no good reason why the city's streets and gutters don't effuse the refreshing scent of eucalyptus or orange peel.



Oui oui, Paris is using wee-wee to make its public green spaces all the more healthy and beautiful. 

Whether you're a member of a "sleeper cell" or just a full-bladdered lone wolf, when you gots to go, you gots to go! 

I am doubtful these urinal planters will actually work as designed. The good news is that, with a simple and inexpensive addition of sheep posters above each unit, the vermin lines will likely snake all the way around the corner! 

"HEY MOHAMMID! GIVE THE REST OF US A TURN!"



I do have another idea (actually spawned from an old idea) of talking urinal cakes.


But rather than trying to convince the inebriated urinal patron to call for a cab, it could broadcast the islamic call to prayer. 

PICTURED: A Ninth Circuit Judge citing his sources.

THE END

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Super Bowl LXXXI (2047)

Today's blogtoon inspired by the fault of Ed, for his thought-provoking racist question in the comment section of yesterday's blog, " Who's the white guy?"

Regular readers of this blog are aware of my innate ability to read the stitches of the cultural fastball... To extrapolate and to project just how events are likely to unfold just over the horizon.

Regular readers of this blog are also likely inebriated at this very moment

That said, and in light of the fact that Barack and Mooshell always seem to have divorce rumors swirling - And Obama and Bronson seem to have a blossoming bromance...
Chattering Teeth Future News - 85-year-old President Obama performs the coin flip at Super Bowl 81. He was accompanied by his husband, 96-year-old Richard Branson (go ahead. Check my math).


69-year-old Tom Brady wins his 35th Super Bowl ring with the Patriots. Talks of playing only for another few years...

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

I Got You Bro


I Got You Bro

They say we're just friends but they don't know
they won't find out, will they bro?
Well I don't know if all that's true
'Cause you got me, and baby I got you
Babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

They say our love won't pay the rent
the stacks of money is so high it will never all be spent
I guess that's so, let's go smoke some pot
at least we're sure of all the dope we got
Babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Betsy Devos for Freedom of School Choice

I'm not going to apologize for misspending the 80s with Devo. I'm sorry, but they are the only good thing I can think of that came out of Ohio. And I won't apologize for supporting Betsy Devos and Freedom of School Choice. I'm sorry, but it's a great album. I'm sorry, but I just refuse to apologize. Sorry. Just sayin'.

Whether you're "Working in the Coal Mine" or already retired, If you want your kids and grandkids to get a quality edumacation, then we need to put a "Whip It" good to the union thugs and big government liberals. Betsy is the "Girl U Want" to give you real "Freedom of Choice".



A victim of collision on the open sea
Nobody ever said that life was free
Sank, swam, go down with the ship
But use your freedom of choice
I'll say it again in the land of the free
Use your freedom of choice
Your freedom of choice
In ancient Rome
There was a poem
About a dog
Who found two bones
He picked at one
He licked the other
He went in circles
He dropped dead
Freedom of choice
Is what you got
Freedom of choice!
Then if you got it you don't want it
Seems to be the rule of thumb
Don't be tricked by what you see
You got two ways to go

Sunday, February 5, 2017

So-called judge

Well, this would make as much sense. Obviously, this left-wing hack so-called judge is overstepping his authority and pandering to the freaks and nutjobs who make up the democrat base.

poor, pitiful Shia Labeouf...
"HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US"

Friday, February 3, 2017

I'm a "Louvre" not a fighter

A French solider shot a man who rushed him wielding a machete and yelling "Allahu akbar" near the Louvre museum in Paris.

We may never know this gentleman's motive.

French authorities have opened a terror investigation.

Sounds like a cover-up. What we DO KNOW is that these soldiers were armed with ASSAULT WEAPONS! And they shot this poor man who was simply holding a shawarma knife and possibly just wanted to stop for a bite to eat.

But he was yelling, "Allahu akbar"!

Really? Or was this gentleman a transgender who speaks with a lisp, and you simply mistook him when he was asking for directions to the nearest "Omelette Bar"?  Homophobe!

But the attacker was wearing two backpacks and may have had a second weapon.

Really? What was this "other weapon"? Maybe a pressure cooker filled with his halal-friendly lunch for after he was done browsing the Mona Lisa and the Venus de Milo in the attached museum? Racists!

Obama piped in with a statement from the golf course and accused the French police with 'acting stupidely'. Schmukey Chucky Schumer cried, stating the French were mean-spirited. French foreign minister Jean-Marc Ayrault blamed Trump saying that "Terrorism knows no nationality. Discrimination is no response." Meanwhile, concerned students burned the University of Paris to the ground.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Groundhog's Day 2017 - Making Punxsutawney Phil Great Again!

It's good to see Punxsutawney Phil back to work again. He's had a rather rough go of it, especially this past year. I'm hopeful this little fur ball's future is bright!

A look back at Obama's last Groundhog's Day, February 2, 2016:
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and predicted 353 more days of unemployment and economic devastation (until the 2017 inauguration). He was then immediately laid off.

But today is a new day! It's Groundhog's Day, February 2, 2017, and President Mister Donald Trump is now our commander-in-tweets! It's been a long and tough 8 years under the failed obama regime and it's time to feel the warm rays of the rising sun on our collective faces again... to feel real hope as our country will once again rise up and become that 'shining city upon a hill.'

It's spring time in America again!!



Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Hear Ye
...My faithful followers, I could clearly see
A beautiful, perfect shadow of me
Six more Weeks of Winter, it shall be!

Wha?! 6 more...?

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Making America's High Court Great Again!

President Mister Donald Trump nominates 49-year-old Judge Neil Gorsuch, and HE WILL become the next justice on the Supreme Court. If he is everything we are being told, he is going to be a good one.

What a great cap to a fantastic first 11 days. From now on I will use his full title, "President Mister Donald Trump" as punishment for ever doubting him.

And a good justice is needed to take the seat of the late, great Antonin Scalia.  Let's recap. Here is a handy ideological line graph showing the current ideological makeup of the 8 seated justices.

PICTURED (left to right): Clarence Thomas (68 yrs old), Samuel Anthony Alito, Jr. (66), Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. (62), Anthony M. Kennedy (80), Stephen G. Breyer (78), Sonia Sotomayor (62), Elena Kagan (56), Ruth Bader Ginsburg (83)

As you can see from the graph, Thomas and Alito are the only 2 strict constitutionalists out of the 8, and the only 2 who can be consistently relied on to follow the the rule of law. As you move down the line, the individuals become more and more flaky.

In the middle, you have Roberts and Kennedy - both randomly and easily confused. They might occasionally do something right, but they certainly cannot be relied upon.

Next comes Breyer. He is a consistent liberal. Therefore, he may be transgendering (I'm only speculating here).

Then come the Cra-cra's. They do not respect our constitution nor our country. They hold individual sovereignty and liberty in contempt. They will not follow the rule of law. They make it up as they go. They are the democrat base.

Full disclosure - That is not an actual picture of Elena Kagan, rather it is John Goodman in drag. The similarities are striking, so I did not realize my error until now. In fact, this is rather complimentary to Kagan.

Also, DON'T PANIC regarding the wizened and bitter hag, Ruth 'Buzzi' Ginsberg. She is only sleeping. She does that frequently. I think she was appointed by Woodrow Wilson and I'm afraid she may live forever. When her input is required, she will be temporarily revived with a booster injection of aborted fetus blood. Soros will tell her how to vote.

Now comes  Gorsuch. He's like the new kid at a new school entering the school cafeteria for the first time with his lunch tray. Where is he going to sit?
Hey bud! There's room next to Clarence and Sammy!!

Monday, January 30, 2017

The Terminal II - Extreme Vetting

The Terminal II - Extreme Vetting is about a traveler with a fraudulent birth certificate who arrives at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport, only to find that his passport is suddenly no longer valid due to President Donald Trump’s immigration ban. He is no longer permitted to either enter the country or return home as he is now considered to be stateless. He meets fellow unfortunate illegal immigrant, Viktor, and they decide to settle in at a closed off section of the terminal living on peanuts and handouts from the occasional passersby. They mutually decide not to break out of the terminal but wait patiently until he can legally enter the United States.

This is their 8-year story...