Monday, October 20, 2014

New CDC Ebola guides "Buddy Up & Cover Up" Code named: Fluke Rules

New hospital guidelines for Ebola patients call for healthcare workers to cover up
The new guidelines are expected to set firmer standards: calling for full-body suits and hoods that protect worker's necks; setting rigorous rules for removal of equipment and disinfection of hands; and requiring a "site manager" to supervise the putting on and taking off of equipment.

New CDC Ebola guides, 
"The guidelines also are expected to require a "buddy system" in which workers check each other as they come in and go out..."

Why "Fluke Rules?"
CDC REP: Why re-invent the wheel? Fluke has these "firmer standards" down to a science by now. Not sure who she has used as a site manager czar, but we will be taking her recommendations soon.

In other news, the CDC has refused to set a Fluke travel ban.

A recent Chattering Teeth poll found that the majority of Americans support a travel ban to Sandra Fluke's old dorm room until such time as it can be sand blasted and smelted.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Obama’s Credit Card "from the Bank of China in the name of your children" Rejected

Obama’s Credit Card Rejected

OBAMA: My credit card was declined at a restaurant in New York City last month. It turned out I guess I don't use that one made out to "Barry Hussein Soetoro" on it enough. They thought there was some fraud going on. Fortunately, Michael... errr... I mean Mooshell had a credit card on hand and paid for the meal. I guess that biooootch uses her card plenty.

"I was trying to explain to the waitress, you know, I really think that I've been paying my bills," Mr Obama said. "Even I'm affected by this."

The waitress was overheard later complaining about the cheap-a$$ed president's lack of a tip, stating he said "You didn't build that burger," as he sashayed out the door with his posse.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Student's photo of Michelle O's skimpy bush meat lunch has some questioning president's Ebola policy

MICHELLE: Some people can't ever be pleased. "Skimpy"? That's a full smoked monkey head I'll have you know! People in Liberia would kill for that beauty. And a fruit bat Kabob with orange peel zest with a turnip? If it's so skimpy, why has school lunch waste increased to 86%?

"Did I say 'Turnip?' Turnip for what?"

DaBlade: I may have been born on the back of a turnip truck at night, but my momma didn't raise no vegetable. 

and now it's time for your favorite cooking show...
 The Food Network is expanding it's "Chopped" franchise and going global with the spinoff premiere of Chopped: West Africa.

Food critic and host extraordinaire Ted Allen is back, and so are the panel of his esteemed chef judges. The pilot episode was filmed in a quaint little village in Guinea, where 4 contestants are given their own fancy barrel grills. 

"chefs, open your baskets."
dried bushmeat
raw chimpanzee brain
fruit bats...

to your smokers!

Monday, October 13, 2014

Obama 200th Golf Round, Ebola 2nd Victim

Potato, potahto ..
 Obama played his 200th round of golf during his presidency yesterday. I don't know if he actually played in a full hazmat suit while driving in a climate-controlled golf cart. The picture (above) is just your blog host's rendition of this presidential milestone.

We are left to only speculate, because the White House had a last minute realization that having the press along for obama's golf round amid all the crisis would make for "bad optics", so a more sheeple-soothing photo op was arranged. Who said the president was disinterested?

Per Keith Koffler at the White House Dossier:

Perhaps realizing the incongruity of the president playing golf amid crises, the White House today initially loaded up the press pool to accompany Obama to his golf outing, and then had a better thought. The press was yanked out of the vans and dispatched to the windows of the Oval Office, where reporters instructed to witness the president speaking on the phone with HHS Secretary Sylvia Burwell about the new Ebola case in Texas.

And then it was on to golf.

 I think my favorite part of that story is, "The press was yanked out of the vans..."

oh, and Yahoo news apologists? He slept through the Benghazi attack. I don't think lack of rest is what drives this turd.

PICTURED: obama practices his putting stroke atop the bus while waiting for the man with the eye patch to finish driving.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Ebola, Obama, Tomato, tomahto

Texas health worker tests positive for Ebola. 1st U.S. transmission.

I thought Ebola is supposed to be hard to get? Isn't that what obama has been telling us he continues to leave our borders wide open and travel unrestricted?

In fact, I believe the obama administration said in order to get Ebola, you had to take a nude jacuzzi and steam bath, and indiscriminately swap bodily fluids... No, wait! That's his campaign fundraising strategy. I always confuse those two.

So if its so hard to get, how did this health worker become infected? I assume she was wearing the prescribed protective clothing, gloves and mask. As far as we know, she was only in proximity to ONE Ebola patient, so its not exactly a numbers game. Those who have been warning of potential catastrophic loss of life have been labeled 'fear mongers', and the obama apologists have been out in full force. It's no longer a question of "if" with these bozos in charge. It is now just a question of "how much longer do we have".

That's the memo, and now for the news:

CDC: 'Avoid Public Transportation'

The President of the World, Barack Hussein Obama, recently assured West African countries that “You cannot get it through casual contact like sitting next to someone one a bus."  Of course, this message was delivered via a video message thousands of miles away

In an empty bus smelling of strong bleach and other disinfectants, and located in a hermetically sealed bunker in an underground and guarded secret facility, Obama assures the nation that, "You can't catch that Ebola sh*t on a bus... See?"

Proof that Obama is taking the Ebola outbreak crisis seriously, he has been spotted golfing from a sheathed golf cart.

The latest Gallup poll reflects Obama's approval numbers have sunk to a new low of 39%. Meanwhile, the deadly virus Ebola enjoys a slightly better approval rating, with 57% respondents picking 'Ebola' over 'Obama' to the question: With whom would you rather have dinner?

Officials soothe progressive fears by promising that the new airport Ebola screening process will not engage in viral profiling. "We will absolutely NOT target those individuals flying in from West African countries who are exhibiting signs of hemorrhagic fever, have festering boils and oozing pustules or otherwise bleeding from their eyes, ears, nose and rectum," promised WH Sect boy, Josh Earnest.  "Besides, we have these really cool non-contact thermometer iPhone apps that are accurate within 20 or 30 degrees!"

You say Obama and I say Ebola
You like tomato and I like tomahto
Obama, Ebola, Tomato, tomahto.
Let's call the whole thing off

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Did Gweneth Paltrow call obama "breathtaking"?

Goop Gone Mad! Gwyneth Paltrow ‘Extremely Unpleasant’ While Prepping For President’s Arrival At Her Los Angeles Home, ‘Drinking & Smoking’ All Day, Says Staff Member

“At around 10am, she started drinking wine and she was smoking cigarettes all day.”
Well NOW it's all beginning to make more sense...
Later, vomits in the shrubbery while promising her pool boy all the power he needs.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Crusades... It's Time

(The mini-series airs 10 p.m. ET from Wednesday, Oct. 8 through Saturday, Oct. 11.)

When EWTN decided to produce a new docu-drama on the Crusades two years ago, most Americans had never heard of ISIS; no journalists had been beheaded in Iraq; and no Christian women and girls had been abducted or enslaved. Yet the Lord, with His perfect timing, knew that a mini-series on “The Crusades” needed to be ready to air in October – and so it is.

You’ve heard the tales, now learn the truth concerning the church’s role in the Crusades and its efforts to restore the Holy Land to a place of safety for Catholic pilgrims. This powerful four-part series, shot on location in seven countries, gives viewers a well-rounded understanding of an important historical event, which has repercussions in our own time.

Clearly, the Harvard students have, as Students at Harvard University claimed America is a bigger threat to world peace than the radical terrorist organization ISIS.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Big Wedding Day Has Arrived!

Big day around the Chattering Teeth Studios, as our middle son (of 3) is getting married this afternoon. It is the first wedding of two this year, as our oldest is engaged to be married in December.

We had the rehearsal dinner last night, and as tradition dictates, The father of the groom gave a speech and a toast. I am not going to recreate my remarks here, but trust me, I had a couple real good laugh lines as well as some tears, and that was not just from the folks I saw looking at their wrist watches and wondering when I was gonna "wrap it up".

I will tell you about the story when my boy proposed to his soon-to-be bride, and how honored and moved his mother and I were that he allowed us to witness this special moment in their lives. I told our guests about how my wife and I knew of Joe's plans to propose, he just didn't share the timing with us.

You see, our boy had told us of his secret plans to propose on a hot air balloon ride. I know... How cool, right? Well, as fate would have it, the first scheduled date was canceled by the pilot due to weather conditions. Apparently, they won't take those things up in less than ideal conditions, let alone a big and brewing storm. He rescheduled for the next opening he could make happen a week later, and guess what? Canceled again. He gave it a third try (and maybe a fourth, I don't remember) but the hot air balloon ride was canceled on him every try.

Keep in mind that maybe a month or so had gone by AFTER Joe had decided to propose, a veritable LIFETIME when a man has made the determination to propose to his one true love. I just assume that he was tired of being held captive by fickle winds and spontaneously went to his knee that day. In any case, I remember the scene became a little blurry after that, as my very manly eyes started inexplicably secreting an unknown watery substance that ran down my cheeks.

The love birds did get their balloon ride about 6 or 8 weeks ago. They loved it!

There is a lesson in that story. Life doesn't always go according to your plans. Sometimes a rain storm can ruin your picnic. Sometimes, the tempest is so severe it can tear you at your foundations and drop you to your knees.

The thing I am most proud of with this young couple is the evidence of their deep and abiding faith. That can't be easy in today's culture, where up is down and where belief in God is ridiculed.

The good news is, if you put Him first in all things, He will be your ballast in those unexpected storms of life. He will keep you anchored firmly to the ground until the storms pass, and the clouds part and the sun comes out.

It may be in His time, but keep God first and you will always get your balloon ride.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Did NFL Officials miss "The Second Muslim Pray-er" in the grassy knoll of the endzone?

Flag on Praying Muslim Player Was an Error, the N.F.L. Says

The N.F.L. said Tuesday that Kansas City Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah was mistakenly penalized by a game official when he knelt to pray after scoring a touchdown Monday night.

YOU'RE NOT KIDDING THEY ERRED! Slow motion instant replay reveals the officials originally missed another infraction for offsetting penalties. See if you can spot it!

That's right! There was another shadowy Muslim player prayer in the grassy knoll of the endzone. Hey, isn't that Alton Nolen, the 30-year-old Islamic convert who beheaded a 54-year-old grandmother in an Oklahoma food plant where he was fired?

The PC NFL is under fire for the penalty call. When NFL commissioner Roger Goodell found out about this, and was reminded how muslims treat their woman, he immediately has called for Inflatable Mosques (& Bouncey Houses of worship) to be placed in all stadiums to give muslim players a quiet place to reflect and/or behead after scoring a touchdown.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Ebola Virus to Give Commencement Speech (Cop Killer was already booked)

First, there was the “despicable” decision by Goddard College in Plainfield, Vermont in choosing convicted cop killer Mumia Abu-Jama to give the commencement address.

The victim's widow is not very happy about this, stating "It’s not appropriate. His freedom was taken away when he murdered a police officer in the line of duty. It seems like our justice system allows murderers to continue to have a voice over the public airwaves and at college commencement. It’s despicable.”

Obviously, "the victim's widow" is upset, so we will give her a pass on all of those insensitive racist remarks of hers. Nothing that a few visits from the Black Panther Party couldn't cure.

Cue wavy line thingys to signal another Chattering Teeth Blog Dream Sequence...

Bowing to public pressure, Godless College in PlainTown, USA canceled the original plans to use cop killer Mumia Abu-Jama to give the commencement address, and instead have gone with the Ebola Virus as a less controversial choice.

Godless Univerity SpokesIdiot:

"Choosing the Ebola Virus as their commencement speaker, to me, shows how this newest group of Godless graduates expresses their freedom to engage and think radically and critically in a world that often sets up barriers to do just that."

"Hey, we originally wanted that Oklahoma Muslim be-header fella but figured some other university has probably already snatched him up, either as a commencement speaker or offered him a professorship."

The event will mark the first time the Ebola Virus will give a college commencement speech. However, thanks to obama's open borders, and now that he is here in the US for good, The Ebola Virus promises to start making his rounds immediately.

The commencement address drew a few fringe protesters in hazmat suits. They were immediately jailed for making judgemental and "viralist" remarks.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Did White House Fence Jumper Leave the Toilet Seat up for Michelle?

White House fence-jumper made it far deeper into building than previously known
The Secret Service is under scrutiny after a man scaled the White House fence and made it all the way into the East Room...

and into the kitchen, where he managed to whip up a Double-Baked Three-Cheese Soufflé before being tackled, roughed, coughed and duck-walked outside by alert and competent secret service agents.

Winning entry of fence jumper...

Monday, September 29, 2014

Diehard Wolverine Fans call for Coach Brady Hoke's Head

Just some harmless fun with free online newspaper headline generators...

Brady Hoke's Severed Head Leads Michigan to Rose Bowl!
Ann Arbor — Back on September 27, things looked bleak for Brady Hoke and his University of Michigan Wolverines. They had just suffered a 16-point humiliation at home by the Minnesota Gophers and dropping the Wolverines to 2-3 overall.

"There were only a few thousand fans left in the Big House by the fourth quarter that day," garbled Hoke's severed head, "but they sure were loud." The crowd was calling for the head coach's "head" with the "Fire Brady" chant. Apparently, someone took them literally, as Brady's head rolled onto the practice field that next week.

That's when the team turned things around. "We followed Head Coach Brady's head and went on a roll ourselves," said quarterback Devin Gardner. "Coach was finally motivating us to roll with it!"

"We don't not care about your American infidel fooootball," said one jihadist. "But we were like, 'hey! A severed head!'"

Cue wavy line thingys for a look into the future and possible newspaper headline from 2015 season opener...

UM Falls To Appalachian State 62 - 0, as the Wolverine's, led by Brady Hoke's severed head get "OUT THUNK" by the Mountaineers and their new "head coach", Brady Hoke's headless torso.

Friday, September 26, 2014

"Cowardly" White House Fence Jumper runs "fast and furiously" away

There has been another White House Fence Jumper, but this latest episode might be the most bizarre. Up until now, previous jumpers have entered the grounds and made their way towards the White House. This time the situation was reversed, as the jumper was spotted already on the grounds before hopping the fence to escape down Pennsylvania Avenue.

BULLETIN: Be on the lookout for an unknown male suspect being sought for allegedly jumping the WH fence and running "fast and furiously" down Pennsylvania Avenue wearing a dark sweat suit with hoodie, with a weak chin and smelling of marijuana.

Don't be confused if you haven't heard about this story anywhere else, as this is the fruit of another of my under cover Chattering Teeth blog reporting assignments. As readers know, I am able to get these scoops because of my uncanny ability to go deep cover and become one with my environment. Hey, when in Rome, I wear a toga. But if I want to blend in as an every day D.C. tourist and interview agents at the White House Northwest gate without arousing suspicion, I go nude and smelling of urine. I had no pockets for my notepad and pen, so I recorded the facts on my arms and chest with my own dried blood and excrement.

Secret Service agents have taken much criticism for the recent rash of mentally disturbed and/or dangerous individuals hopping the White House fence and running across the lawn towards the White House, but they can hardly be blamed for this latest incident of someone escaping from the grounds. "Hey, we were looking the other way!," said an anonymous agent.

In conclusion, there is now one less mentally disturbed and/or dangerous individual in the White House and that is a good start.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

In Defense of Obama's "Weak and Bitter" Coffee Salute

PICTURED: Sensitive to the criticism, President Obama now stops and gives a proper salute to every Starbucks and coffee shop he passes.

By now most of us are familiar with this:


And really, aside from his execution of foreign policy and military strategy, wasn't THIS a bigger insult to our men in uniform?

Obama drops new Marine girly hat mandate - but still insists all male warriors must wear rouge.

They also didn't care for the new Obama-mandated Marine Hyme (replacing the Halls Of Montezuma)

From the Malls to Saks Fifth Avenue
To the Stores of Gucci;
We will fight our country's battles
But first let's go boutique;
Exfoliate and foundation;
Wen to keep us tangle-free;
Mascara, blush and manicured cuticles;
We're United States Marines

uhhh... YaHooo.. ey Rah!?