Saturday, December 10, 2016

Millennial College Student Food Insecurity

Chattering Teeth News - Colleges are more and more providing "safe spaces" where students can hide away from scary ideas they are indoctrinated to disagree with, but did you know they are starving?

More than half of students at U.S. community colleges say they're hungry
Food insecurity is a very real problem for many Americans, but who knew that it affected so many college students, too?... Food insecurity is defined as “the lack of reliable access to sufficient quantities of affordable, nutritious food.”
Many of these hungry students are not whom you’d expect them to be. Fifty-six percent of students in the study were employed, with 38 percent working more than 20 hours a week. More than half received a federal study grant and 18 percent were recipients of private scholarships. Despite this, they still didn’t have enough money for food.


Honestly, I had never heard the term "Food insecurity" until this article, but now I plan on tirelessly dedicating the remainder of my entire life (if not the next 5 minutes spent formulating this post) to stamping out this scourge from our college campi! Most of these kids may graduate with a 4-year degree owing tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt - so the least we can do as a compassionate society is to make sure they never have to pay for food (or contraceptives... or medical marijuana).

Just look how far we've fallen in just 5 years, when in  2011, USA Today reported an "obesity epidemic on college campuses," and the dreaded Freshman 15 with rampant student weight gain caused by "unhealthy eating, sleeping habits and lack of exercise." In fact, the percent of overweight and obese American college students increased from 27.4 percent in 2006 to 29.2 percent in 2011, according to the American College Health Association.

THEN THE UNTHINKABLE OCCURRED IN JANUARY, 2015

Ramen noodle truck crashes on on North Carolina highway scattering the packets of noodles along the highway and eventually ending up in a local landfill.

Apparently the sudden decreased supply of this student diet staple has reverberated just two years later, leading to today's food insecurity.

So let's recap:
1) 2011 - College kids are fat;
2) 2015 - Ramen Noodles truck crash
3) Today - For maybe the first time ever, college kids whine at some point that "they're starving."

WON'T YOU HELP?

For less than 15 cents per day for the average cost of a noodle packet, your generous gift of $150 will feed a millennial college student three square meals a day for an entire year.

To give, simply send a money order or cash to:

Chattering Teeth Studios
PO BOX 101010
Flint, MI

Sarah McLachlan? Take it away...

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold dorm room
...may you find some safe space comfort here

Friday, December 9, 2016

Trump's Designated Survivor

America wants to know...
Who is the kid in the Trump gear standing behind The Donald at his Iowa victory lap speech in Iowa last night, and is he the "sticker-eater" who was standing behind Hillary at her Iowa caucus speech in February? (what is it with these Iowan kids?)

PICTURED: Iowa Sticker-Eater

In other news: This newyorker piece asks:  Why Haven’t Conservative Thinkers Denounced Trump?

After listening to Trump blather about his $Trillion Dollar "Infrastructure" stimulus plan, his free childcare welfare and wealth redistribution, his Venezuelan-like injection into businesses and corporations with threats of tariffs (or promises of favoritism) - and his meetings with algore and the climate genius Leonardo Dicaprio with regards to global warming - The better question for me is - Why haven't Democrat 'thinkers' embraced Trump?

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

ASK DaBlade Fake News Advice Column

Dear DaBlade,
Help! My name is Ed Welch, and I don't know what to believe. I'm the guy from North Carolina who took a shotgun into that Comet Pizzeria in D.C. after I read on the internets that Hillary Clinton was running a pedophilia ring out of the restaurant. Well "NOT ON MY WATCH, MADAAM!" thought I. This is still 'Merica, AmIright?

 I was arrested and am emailing this from my jail cell. I am now being told the story about Hillary and the secret restaurant sex ring were fake. I'm beginning to think that just maybe they're right. If I can't trust the white-supremacist Twitter accounts I follow, who CAN I trust?

 DaBlade, plez help me to know who to trust! Is this real life?
 Signed,
Extra Pepperoni

 Dear Extra Pepperoni,
 You have come to the right place. Delete all of your social media accounts including your twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat accounts, Alex Jones Infowars and other conspiracy websites (including Drudge) and make Chattering Teeth Blog your sole news source!

 I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am aware I have been accused of making stuff up in the past. The veracity of my content disseminated, questioned and scrutinized. As if my every utterance is suspect unless independently corroborated by trusted sources... to which I say, "Hey, you married me woman!!"

Just trust me. I promise truthiness.

To answer your question directly - NO, Hillary does not run a pedophile ring. Are you sumkinda nut? THERE IS NO COMET PIZZA ring. It's FAKE! Got it? Now sit back and let me tell ya some news you can trust...
Signed, DaBlade 

BREAKING! FROZEN PIZZA COMET HURLING TOWARDS EARTH!

You say "Comet Pizza" I say "Pizza Comet".

Remembering Comet Icon

What is its real name? Strictly speaking this comet should be referred to as Comet Soetoro/2008, but it was renamed for convenience sake after being discovered by a couple of commies.

Why all the excitement? Its a dynamically new, never before seen comet. Just gazing upon its majesty is believed to make one a better person.

Where is it from?: Nobody is really sure. Some think it is from the Oort Cloud, the little-known shell of literally trillions of comet nuclei lying tens of thousands of AU (1 AU =150 million km) from the Sun. Others believe its from Kenya.

What is it? Despite its bright exterior and candy-coated shell, Comet ICON's nucleus is now understood to be comprised of a sooty lump of frozen promises and broken dreams, with veins of icy bullshit.

Why is it breaking up now? Comet ICON has survived just fine in the cold, dark vacuum of space where no competing ideas were allowed to penetrate. However, as it approaches the disinfecting heat of the sun and bombards it with rays of truth and light, it breaks away its facade of lies.




Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Trump Trolls China Over Taiwan With Faux Takeout Order (and the internet goes crazy!)

Chattering Teeth News - President-elect Donald Trump says his phone call to Chinese president Xi Jinping attempting to order Chinese takeout was a misdial. "I got the wrong number, believe me," said Trump, after China's foreign ministry lodged a complaint over the controversial food order attempt.

Trump has always operated under the promise of “You hit me, I hit you back twice as hard," so when China had a hissy fit over a phone call he accepted from Taiwan President Tsai Ing-wen, you knew Trump would respond in some fashion.

UPDATE: CHATTERING TEETH NEWS HAS SECURED AN EXCLUSIVE PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF THIS CALL!
(the emergency hotline rings in the presidential palace in Beijing. President Xi Jinping picks up...)

***RING*** ***RING***

XI: Nǐ hǎo

TRUMP: Yes, is this Cheeiyna One? I would like a bowl of Wonton soup, a full order of Sweet and Sour chicken, and an egg roll or three. Oh, and throw in a handful of them Chinese cookies with the cute little fortunes and lucky numbers.

XI: MISTEL TLUMP... THIS IS OUTLAGEOUS! You ah speaking wif the plesident and Genewal Secletaly of People's Lepubric of China!

TRUMP: Genewal? Oh, you mean "General." Good idea. Throw in a batch of that General Tso's chicken! I'll have my boy, Priebus pick it up in , say half an hour?

END TRANSCRIPT


Trump is now threatening to build a great wall around "Cheeiyna" if they don't knock it off.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Angels Bowling

If you're like me, you check the space weather page every morning before getting dressed. (Then again, if you're really like me then you secretly hope that lederhosen becomes mainstream as business-casual attire - but I've already made my case for this repeatedly).

"So what is the space weather going to be like today?"

If there is a solar eruptive prominence and chance of CMEs with red hot plasma being hurled towards Earth, I like to wear cotton or something that can breathe. And maybe some sunblock. If there is a solar wind stream approaching Earth with wind speeds as high as 700 km/s, I wear a windbreaker.

So imagine my surprise this morning upon visiting the space weather page and spotting an angel bowling on the surface of the sun. Of course, the article only talks about some coronal hole and doesn't even mention the obvious appearance of the angel in full back swing. In fact, what these so-called scientists are calling a coronal hole is nothing more than the angel's shadow.

I don't have to tell you that when angels bowl, it creates thunder on Earth, thereby creating thunder clouds in turn... its all very complicated, but you should probably wear a rain coat today.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

HGTV to cancel Fixer Upper and Replace it with Rainbow Upper?

Chattering Teeth News - HGTV has announced the cancellation of their hit TV series "Fixer Upper" since learning the show's stars, Chip and Joanna Gaines, having been outed for attending a church where the pastor allegedly holds biblical christian views and values.

COMING SOON to HGTV, "Rainbow Upper", starring George Takei and Ellen Degeneres. While they won't actually fix your newly purchased ram shackled dump, they will paint it in assorted "gay-friendly" rainbow paints!

Each episode is jam-packed with Ellen dancing like a white rhythm-neutral teenage boy in his parent's basement, to George spouting the complete and utter nonsense you've come to expect.

Are YOU ready to see your Rainbow Upper!?

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Monday, November 28, 2016

Tryptophan in my Tetrazzini

I took another bite and chased it with another huge gulp of Captain Morgans and Vernors. I started feeling sluggish. My eyelids started to droop and I felt myself loosing consciousness. They may say that eating turkey doesn't really make you sleepy, and that its all just a mirth or something... well mister, if it isn't the tryptophan in the tetrazzini... I don't know what it issss... [face-plant into the tetrazinni] Zzzzz

Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...

Sneak Peek at my new TV comedy series called The Clintons.
SETTING: The future, sometime in 2017. Now that the Clinton foundation money laundering scam has dried up the funds, Chelsea has had her folks committed to the Old Oaks Retirement Home.
Hilarity and buffoonery are sure to ensue with each week's episodes.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

2016 Christmas Tree Hunt

PICTURED: Koda, expressing her joy of riding in a loud, tractor-pulled wagon with a bunch of strangers. It appears to be one of her favorite things.She seems to be excited for the opportunity to help pick out this year's Christmas tree. I think she sees one!

PICTURED: Krueger is a 2-year-old White German Shepherd who is game for just about anything, and when he wags his tail (which is constantly) his whole 85 pounds seems to wag to the rhythm.

The two seemed to settle in for the ride. These are our son, Joe and his wife, Lindsey's doggies. My wife and I have Krueger's brother, Zeke. We left Zeke home because... because he is a little more hyper than his brother and we didn't want to chance getting sued.
And the search for the perfect tree commences. A good time (and hot cider or hot chocolate by the roaring fire) was had by all!

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Welcome to the Revolution, Fidel

Is that the Heat Miser in the bottom right? I can't quite make out who he is waiting for. In any event, I'm sure Castro is happy to be among his fellow revolutionaries, where there is no private property rights,  state controlled production and distribution,AND FREE HEALTH CARE!

Oh, and one more thing, amigo!


It's like a sowwwwna in here!

Friday, November 25, 2016

BLACK FRIDAY MANNEQUIN ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE

Congratulations! If you are reading this, consider yourself officially nominated to participate in the new internet sensation called the BLACK FRIDAY MANNEQUIN ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!

You have until the stroke of midnight tonight to complete this challenge:
1) Find a mannequin (preferably one with a head) in the nearest mall.
2) Pour a bucket of ice cubes on its head.
3) stand there staring at mannequin without moving a muscle until you get arrested
4) Send challenge to all your friends

PRO TIP: If you are thrown into a public holding cell, DO NOT plank on your stomach.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Will Trump Pursue Charges Against Turkey Obama Pardoned?

Chattering Teeth News - President Obama pardoned his last turkey yesterday (actually two, named Tater and Tots) to sobbing masses of joyful progressives, Peta representatives, and cheering vegans. There was not a dry eye at the White House, especially when obama started delivering really bad puns.

Trump stunned the nation when he immediately tweeted his support for the pardon, and stated he thought the birds had "been through enough."  “I don’t wanna hurt them. They’re good birds, believe me," he continued of the turkeys.

Later that day, the crowd outside Trump Tower was chanting, "lock her up!", "lock the bird up!," keying in on punishing just the female of the two birds for some reason.

UPDATE! WILL TURKEY BE ROUGHED, COUGHED and DUCK-WALKED!?

Trump Pivots - Now Promises to Overturn Obama's Unlawful Executive Turkey Pardon on Day One

After Trump stunned the nation yesterday in support of Obama's  turkey pardons, he has now appeared to walk this back by tweeting, "The majority may want to see the bird go free, but I am going to leave it to the electors to decide, that I will tell you."

Trump is now indicating that he may launch a full investigation into obama's unlawful pardon of the turkeys, and is promising to appoint a Supreme Court nominee who is very pro-Thanksgiving turkey dinner.

Numerous turkeys across the country are being  sworn in at the dinner tables of America today to give testimony as character witnesses for both these birds. Side deals of mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, squash, cranberry sauce, etc will be 'grilled' for information.

"There will be no tofurkey in the Trump White House, believe me," tweeted the president-elect.

IN OTHER NEWS
 and now this
 

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Trigger Warning - Michigan State Sissy-ballers?

Izzo: Soft Spartans done playing ‘sissy-ball’
East Lansing – Tom Izzo said before the season that the difficult early schedule would give him a better idea of where his Michigan State team stood than if it played a bunch of easy games...

“We’re just playing sissy-ball right now,” Izzo said after a 78-77 victory over Florida Gulf Coast on Sunday... You become a product of what you do and we became a product, a little bit. We’re softer than we’ve ever been.


Chattering Teeth Fake News - Michigan State has dedicated staff and resources to help students and faculty deal with coach Izzo's insensitive comments.

Professors in the Sissies Studies department have organized “healing spaces” in the MSU Union where affected students will have the opportunity to discuss their feelings.

In the meantime, Coach Izzo has been put on temporary suspension and has been barred from campus pending administrative review.

Professor Dumbledoor has been named interim coach. Here is your new Spartan stating six. (what? You expect one to have to sit?)

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Kanye West Translates the "Hamilton Rant"

Vice president-elect, Mike Pence, was lectured by the Broadway cast of “Hamilton” this past Friday night to the cheering throng of progressives in attendance.  The rest of us are scratching our heads wondering what exactly this message really was.

Well, who better to translate the Hamilton rant than rapper, Kanye West, recently hospitalised for a psychiactric evaluation  after a similar on-stage 'message' delivered to his captive audience.


Chattering Teeth News - Grabbing a white smock and a clipboard from the ER closet and posing as a hospital orderly, I caught up with Kanye, who was handcuffed to his hospital bed and cursing a nearby radio. After administering a morphine drip (again, found in the ER closet) I was able to convince Kanye to decipher the written copy of the Hamilton rant. It was then that I realized the IV was in my arm and not Mr. West's... Zzzzzzz

Thank you so much for joining us tonight. You know, we had a guest in the audience this evening. And Vice President-elect Pence, I see you're walking out but I hope you will hear us just a few more moments. There's nothing to boo here ladies and gentlemen. There's nothing to boo here, we're all here sharing a story of love.

KANYE: Stop it, stop it. Hey radio, f%&* you! Radio, f%&* you! Oh yeah, I’m on my Trump sh#@ tonight. Radio, f%&* you. Yeah, I’m taking his lead. I’mma just say how I say, be ‘Ye, and win. I’mma take his lead. Radio, f%&* you! Wait a second. Eh, is it, “Radio, f%&* you? That’s what you’re saying?” Exactly.

We have a message for you, sir. We hope that you will hear us out. And I encourage everybody to pull out your phones and tweet and post because this message needs to be spread far and wide, OK?

KANYE: I love you, bro. Don’t tell me how to be me, though. I love you. I’m not scared. I’m here to change things. I got the visions, bro. That’s what I’ve been blessed with. My vision. I’m not always going to say things the perfect way, the right way. But I’m going to say how I feel. Right now, press get ready to write your passive-aggressive, LeBron James, racist comments. Season 4, racist comments. Get ready to have a field day, press. Get ready, get ready.

Vice President-elect Pence, we welcome you and we truly thank you for joining us here at Hamilton: An American Musical, we really do. We, sir, we are the diverse America who are alarmed and anxious that your new administration will not protect us — our planet, our children, our parents — or defend us and uphold our inalienable rights, sir.

KANYE: Aye, bruh, I know you got killers. Please don’t send them at my head. Just call me. Talk to me like a man.  I know you got hitters from Miami. Please do not send them at my head. I just want to have a conversation about how we playing radio’s game. Pence, you a real (n-word). You got the keys. But as we learn all the politics that (n-word)s was doing for years. Obama couldn’t make America great because he couldn’t be him to be who he was. Black men have been slaves. Obama wasn’t allowed to do this [screams] and still win. He had to be perfect. But being perfect don’t always change sh*&, bro. Being perfect don’t always change sh*&, bro.

But we truly hope that this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and to work on behalf of all of us. All of us.

KANYE:... except for Beyoncé. Beyoncé, I was hurt!

Again, we truly thank you for sharing this show. This wonderful American story told by a diverse group of men [and] women of different colors, creeds, and orientations.

KANYE: It’s a new world, Hillary Clinton, it’s a new world. Feelings matter. Because guess what? Everybody in middle America felt a way and they showed you how they felt. Feelings matter, bro. It’s a new world. It’s a new world, Barack. It’s a new world, Jay Z. Hey, don’t send killers at my head, bro.

[Drops mic]

Sunday, November 20, 2016

SHOCK! Harambe's Ghost Meets With Trump


New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani are said to be out - Harambe's ghost likely has the inside track for secretary of state, at least according to this oft-used super secret Chattering Teeth blog informant who wishes to remain anonymous (or maybe he said he wished to remain "inebriated"?)


In any case, after interrogating my source in the alley adjacent to Trump's downtown Manhattan skyscraper (and polishing off his last bottle of Ripple), we witnessed what appeared to be a large, white and glowing gorilla climbing the outside of the Trump Tower. It was obvious to us that we were watching the ghost of Harambe trying to meet clandestinely with Mr Trump regarding a potential cabinet pick. Why Harambe chose to exit the meeting via the elevator banks a few hours later remains a mystery.