Friday, June 24, 2016

Short Bus Democrats

"Short Bus" Democrats getting schooled on the Second Amendment.

And now this...

Chattering Teeth Blogxit?


The spacious Chattering Teeth Blog Studios Spa, Bar & Grill remains in tumult this morning as election officials continue to do recount after recount in order to determine the final results.

Will Chattering Teeth remain in the BSU (Blog Spot Union) and will CT's Prime Minister Blogmaster, the elusive yet suave DaBlade step down? How will this affect the blogosphere, and Will household finances plummet as a result of this momentus pending decision?

Exit polls of the CT staff hasn't shed any light on the subject, as the Barbie collection remains mute and their painted doll's eyes aren't giving anything away.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

What Lebron James Dreams

"LeBron James is now happy," stated Lebron to himself, while taking a selfie in his bathroom mirror.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Happy Father's Day little girl

What do you get a 52 year-old Canadian father of seven who now self-identifies as a 6 year-old girl for Father's Day (and who has everything a little girl could want)?
I think we're gonna need a bigger necktie.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

National Buffoon's Family Vacation

President Obama and family are in Yosemite National Park this weekend. The Presidents goal is to have as much of a family vacation, with his wife and daughters as possible - which means he will be hacking around the nearest golf course while the girls spend their day on their phones and Michelle and her mother abuse the secret service and park personnel.

The Griswold family had a miserable drive cross-country to the Walley World theme park, but the Obama's are flown out to Yosemite in style. They haven't had a vacation in over a week, and it is darn tiring destroying the country. It remains to be seen if Michelle's mother ends up rolled in a tarp and strapped to the roof of the car. Stay tuned for more exciting vacation updates as the country unravels.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

INFRINGED: Coming this fall

Terror watch list takes center stage among gun-control proposals

"...the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Oh, Merriam!? What does this 'Infringe' word really mean?
:  to encroach upon in a way that violates law or the rights of another


And now a word from our fake sponsor...
From the Government that brought you the exciting show, TSA 'Keeping Skyscrapers Safe From Old People in Walkers'...

Now comes, 'INFRINGE'. New cases each week. Our team of DHS agents put Christians and right-wingers on the 'watch' list in order to confiscate their guns - thereby removing the only means for them to protect themselves and their families.

Hey, Blade. If you're not an old person in a walker or a wheelchair, then you have nothing to worry about. You can trust the government!

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

The Courtship of Omar's father

White House: Obama to visit Orlando Thursday


CHATTERING TEETH NEWS — President Obama will travel to Orlando Thursday, but not to pay tribute to the victims of the worst mass shooting in U.S. history, as the White House has reported. Chattering Teeth is breaking with this bombshell exclusive that Obama will be reacquainting with Seddique Mateen, The Orland gay club gunman's father who also happens to be a self-hating homosexual muslim.

"They have a lot in common. They both are for the transforming of America," said a silhouetted and unidentified source in a hijab and wishing to remain anonymous.

Obama and Seddique have connected many times, using a gay dating app. They like to ride the roller coasters and usually stay on It's a Small World ride for several cycles in a row.

"When the president is here surreptitiously with Seddique, the Hall of Presidents always seems to be coincidentally down for repairs. That's because Barack Obama's Animatronic is flown back to Washington to act in the president's stead and so his presence won't be missed," claimed the anonymous source.

AND HOW ABOUT THIS STARTLING CLAIM: Some of the president's best speeches were actually delivered by his robot!
(how to tell when it's really obama talking)

Barack Obama's Animatronic is constantly serviced and maintained by a staff of ex-NASA rocket scientists who are constantly reprogramming the presidential look-alike with recorded speeches and looped messages. They are currently programming the robot with the "bitter clinger" rhetorical flourish routine, which consists of a series of random anti-second amendment threats and Christian insults.

All so the president can go golfing Thursday.


FLASHBACK!
Was Obama Animatronic at Disney's Hall Of Presidents Dismantled by the Reagan Bot?
The Hall of Presidents attraction at Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida, has been taken over by a large segment of the Animatronic presidential figures this President's Day, 2014. This bloodless coup seemed unprovoked, when suddenly the Ronald Reagan Animatronic slipped the surly bonds of his robotics to "touch the face" of Obamabot. Reagan had the Obama figure in a headlock while the founding fathers pummeled it. When the dust settled and the curtain dropped, all that was left of the Obama robot was a pile of nuts and bolts and a slightly used Obama rodeo mask...

REAGAN: Well, I'd had just about enough of that, how about you?

THE END

Monday, June 13, 2016

Jon Bon Jovi uses his powers for good

DirecTV Commercial 2016 Jon Bon Jovi Turn Back Time

You see, we got the power to turn back time, that show you missed, let's just go back and find...
and while we're at it let's go back  to a certain tent, because mass murder and twisted ideology you can prevent...



Saturday, June 11, 2016

Who is the Greatest of all time?

Luke 9:46 
46 An argument started between them about which of them was the greatest.

47 Jesus knew what thoughts were going through their minds, and he took a little child whom he set by his side

 48 and then he said to them, 'Anyone who welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and anyone who welcomes me, welcomes the one who sent me. The least among you all is the one who is the greatest.'
I just never knew that Jesus was a Prince fan...

Friday, June 10, 2016

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Bill Clinton now the presumptive nominee for First Lady

Hillary is the entitled 2016 Democrat nominee. No matter what, it's her turn for sure this time. We know what happened the last time it was her turn. Skin pigmentation trumped female genitalia (blog assumption... hey, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, though it does require a willing suspension of disbelief.)

With the latest Hillary Clinton win, Maria Shriver is demanding we:

“pause...to think about how this is historic and unprecedented” for Hillary Clinton to become the first female presumptive presidential nominee.

Or is she...?

Let's see if I can help untangle this knotted identity politics ball of twine.

1) Bill Clinton is widely regarded as the first black president. "Blacker than any actual black person who could ever be elected in our children's lifetime." [HERE]


2) During Barack Obama's campaign, he doubted whether Bill Clinton was the first "black president," stating he "would have to investigate his dancing abilities before I judged whether or not he was a brutha." [HERE]


3) Then Obama becomes the actual self-identified first black president, but Bill Clinton would not accept it. [HERE]

While campaigning for Hillary, Bill Clinton attempted to downplay the fact that Barack Obama was the first black president, suggesting to the audience that every one  is “100 percent from sub-Saharan Africa.”

Now, per a scientific google search: We all start as a generic embryo. You have a set of male or female sex chromosomes, but the distinction doesn't kick in until your hormones enter the picture, he explains. Without hormones like testosterone, you would stay on the path to womanhood.

Therefore, using Bill Clinton's own logic - George Washington was the first female president.

IN CONCLUSION: Bill Clinton may have had his "first black president" title stripped from him, but at least he will be recognized as the first male First Lady. At least he can hang his hat on that...

or can he? Speaking of hanging your hat on it...

and will Hillary REALLY be the first woman when she wins? You have witnessed Barack's throwing ability, right?

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

What Would Dory Say

Help me! Fish peers out from inside a jellyfish in one-in-a-million shot
(yes kids, I added Dory)
For those unaware, Dory is the "friendly-but-forgetful blue tang fish" from the Finding Nemo cartoon. The sequel "Finding Dory" is in theaters June 17th.

UPDATE: A half-digested Dory has been found in the belly of a large Jelly.

"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy."

I don't know about you, but this election cycle has me feeling like that poor fish in the belly of the beast.

Monday, June 6, 2016

The Trial of Bud, the dirty-mouthed Parrot

Did parrot repeat dead man's final words?
A Michigan man’s wife is now a suspect in his May 2015 murder, newly obtained police reports show, and a winged witness may have heard the dead man’s final plea.

An African grey parrot might’ve overheard Martin Durham as he pleaded with his shooter before the killer pumped five bullets into Durham’s body. The bird, Bud, was heard saying “Don’t f------ shoot” in a video taken shortly after Durham’s death, WOOD reported.

“That bird picks up everything and anything, and it’s got the filthiest mouth around,” Duram’s mom, Lillian Duram, told WOOD.

Next, on Court TV, The People versus Bud, the African grey parrot. 
My name is DaBlade, I am an attorney at blog and representing my client, Bud the parrot. I am doing this pro bono, unless you count my retainer fee of a box of Ritz Crackers. I am giving him a cross examination after the prosecution just tore him a new tail feather.

BUD: I believe you mean to say that you will be "redirecting"... not a cross examination. I am your fu&*ing client you dumbass! RAAAWK!

ME: Fine! Redirecting. And your honor, I'd like the court to consider my filthy-mouthed African grey parrot a hostile witness!

BUD: Why does everybody call me that sh*t? What's race got to do wit it bro!? And that's racist... RAAAWK!

ME: OK, fine. I'll call you "Bud". You told the prosecution you were, and I quote, a "pretty bird." WERE YOU LYING THEN, OR ARE YOU LYING NOW! ANSWER THE QUESTION! I WANT THE TRUTH!

BUD: Really!? You want me to go there, dipsh*t?

ME: Let's cut to the chase. Where were you on the night in question when Mr. Durham was murdered?

BUD: I was in my cage drinking, like I am every night. If you don't believe me, ask that other parrot in the small glass mirror in my cage... crazy fu*&er watched me all night!

ME: Watch the language, Bud. Then what happened?

BUD: Glenna sat down on the couch next to Martin as he was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' he said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... RAWK!

GLENNA: I OBJECT!

JUDGE: On what grounds?

GLENNA: That dirty bird is lying through his beak! I was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and I said to Martin, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment." And then Bud the parrot says, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

ME: And that's when you started choking my client, Bud? And Martin intervened on Bud's behalf before you shot him?

GLENNA: YES I DID IT, OK!? are you happy? I was trying to choke the bird. Martin bought me Bud for an anniversary gift, can you believe that?

ME: What did you want for a gift?

GLENNA: I hinted about wanting something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds. He bought me a scale.

THE END

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Season 4 Pilot Preview - White House Fixer Upper!

Last week, Michelle Obama gave her last commencement speech at the City College of New York, where she complained that she wakes up each day "in a house built by slaves."


Well wring your hands and complain no more, Michelle. Chip and Jo from the HGTV hit series "Fixer Upper" has come to the rescue! Yes, we know you and your husband believe that America sucks, but there is an untold number of citizens who also don't want you in that White Slave House even one day longer than necessary.

Normally, the TV show's hosts Chip and Jo "picks the worst homes in the best neighborhoods and transform them." However, in your case, Michelle, your husband and you have already taken the best house in the best country and transformed them into something hideous and unrecognizable to America-loving patriots.

Therefore, we want to properly thank the both of you by physically transforming that White Slave House into something we believe will be more comfortable to our your tastes.
 REALLY! YOU DESERVE IT!!
 That's right! An exact duplicate of Obama's half-brother George Obama's shack in his Nairobi slum!


Normally, Chip and Jo struggle to do any necessary repairs, while at the same time renovating and remodeling the subject home while staying within the client's finite budget. In this case, we decided to take after your husband's example and use the infinite resources of the National debt. What's another few $Trillion if it was used to extricate you from the White Slave House immediately!


Barack will love this open concept (in the unlikelihood you two remain married after the end of his term)...

we installed all new dirt flooring, replaced the wallboard with aluminum sheeting - all new windows throughout (see sheets) with an updated bathroom (new red pail) and first floor laundry (see clothesline).

This house has great bones... and by "great bones", I mean there are piles of chicken bones in the corner for ambience.

ENJOY!

Thursday, June 2, 2016

SHOCK SURVEILLANCE VIDEO: Harambe suspect in store robbery

Chattering Teeth News - The Cincinnati Zoo has released surveillance video showing a "strong-arm" robbery, allegedly committed by an endangered western lowland silverback gorilla who was later shot to death by a zoo official while in his enclosure. The suspect on the video, identified by the zoo director as 17-year-old Harambe, shoplifted about $50 worth of cigars, chicklets and salty snacks from the store before making his escape.

Harambe was shot to protect a human toddler who had found his way into the gorilla enclosure. Many have wondered why the child went over the fence. Now it is believed the youngster was lured into Harambe's lair with a bag of pork rinds

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

If Hillary Fell Into a Gorilla Enclosure, What Would You Do?

It makes for an interesting philosophical question: If Hillary Clinton fell into a gorilla enclosure, would the silverback gorilla smoke a cigar and go golfing?

Or a twist in a popular meme in the wild: If Trump and Hillary are stranded at the bottom of a gorilla enclosure, who survives?... America. America survives.

This puzzle is like one of those mind experiment riddle thingys: What do you do if Hillary falls into a gorilla enclosure with no doors or windows, but there is a mirror and a table... and a high powered rifle on the concourse?

One thing we know for certain, not even a 400-lb  male Western lowland silverback gorilla (let's call this ficticious monkey, "Bubbarambe" for expedience) would be able to get a grip on one of Hillary's cankles. If anyone is in danger of getting dragged around the enclosure, it's the great ape.

A tranquilizer dart would be the more humane option that didn't really present itself recently in the Cincinnati Zoo incident due to immediate danger. However, in my thought experiment mind melt above - we have concluded that Bubbarambe would likely give Hillary a wide berth, making a tranquilizer dart the better option for rescue. Tomorrow's riddle: What dosage would you need to bring down the Hildebeast?