Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Today's Chattering Teeth Impeachment News Brief Update Thingy

In today's episode of Politicians in Cars getting Cheeseburgers, (click here in case you forgot how the game is played)...

Harvard Law School Professor Alan Dershowitz drives the president to the local drive thru for lunch during a break from the Impeachment trial where the professor absolutely destroyed the democrat's sham charges.

He then made a legal case as to why McDonald's french fries are superior to those from Five Guys, Wendy's, Chick-fil-A, and Shake Shack, and makes a compelling argument that Arby's curly fries are actually unconstitutional and that our founding fathers couldn't even have fathomed such a travesty.

The huge so-called 'bombshell' of the day that got all the fake news media breathless was the news that former National Security Adviser John Bolton is trying to sell a book. Democrats now want him appearing as a witness in hopes that he will testify under oath that he believes Trump is against corruption in all forms, even corruption in plain sight being committed by Joe Biden and his crack whore son, Hunter *gasp*!!

Compromise reached - Michael Bolton to appear under oath before the senate (after John Bolton sings the anthem)

Speaking of Joe Biden, he continues to make hay on the campaign trail (while his senator opponents are tied up with the impeachment farce)...

Stay tuned for more updates as they happen (or at least within the next month or two)

Monday, January 20, 2020

SHOCK! Kato Kaelin is the Whistleblower!

Chattering Teeth Fake News Exclusive! The perpetually high Kato Kaelin of OJ Simpson trial fame is making a comeback.

Thank goodness! And here I thought that this whole impeachment was nothing more than a partisan circus. But then we learn that Kato Kaelin is their whistleblower and the Dems totally redeem themselves. 

Here's what we know. Kato has been living in the crawl space of a Kyiv, Ukraine Starbucks and living on cake crumbs and coins that slip through the cracks in the floorboards.

According to anonymous sources, Kato is expected to testify later this week that back in July, he overheard U.S. Ambassador Gordon Sondland in line to make his order for a venti green tea Frappuccino with soy milk while also on the phone with President Trump. Kato says he knows Sondland was on the phone with Trump because the president’s voice was so loud that it made Sondland “sort of wince”  and held the phone away from his ear.

Kato claims he was able to overhear Trump order the ambassador to get Ukraine to launch an investigation. A short time later, Kato says he shared a bong with Hunter Biden in a dark alley.

This sounds completely legit!

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

What We Learned From The Democrat Debate (A Shocking Chattering Teeth Exclusive)

Full disclosure. I did not watch the Democrat debates last night as I am not clinically insane or mentally retarded. However, I am disturbed and off-balance enough to click a link on the morning after that stated Elizabeth Warren refused to shake Bernie's hand at the conclusion.

"In the video above, Warren can be seen moving toward Sanders. But the Massachusetts senator pulls her hand back when Sanders extends his."

As I watched this video, the disembodied voice in my head kept screaming:

But then I gulped my coffee and feverishly continued my research for this extraordinary post which will likely become my life's "Opus". Apparently, Warren and Sanders had a little dust up during the debate about whether or not Bernie had told Warren in 2016 that a woman couldn't win the presidency.

Warren stated, "So, can a woman beat Donald Trump? Look at the men on this stage. Collectively, they have lost ten elections. The only people on this stage who have won every single election that they’ve been in are the women.”

At this point I'm thinking, #1 Which category above is Warren counting the Peter-Puffer from South Bend?, and #2 This is exactly the kind of leadership and topics the American people in flyover country care most about and discuss at the kitchen table.

So why did Elizabeth "Pocahontas" Warren not shake Bernie's hand at the end of the debate? I'll tell you.

I have dedicated my entire life and lengthy career, if not the last 5 minutes tirelessly performing duckduckgo searches in support for this nonsensical blog post, in the study of Native Americans. Their culture, traditions and languages. 

The top lesson in the "Five things we can learn from Native Americans" is that they...
1. Never Say “Goodbye”

It's true. The Indians didn't even have a word that translates to "goodbye". Instead, they say something to the effect, “until we meet again.”

The Lakota, commonly known as the Sioux, do not have a word directly meaning 'goodbye' in their Native language. Instead, the Lakota tribe uses “Toksa”, a phrase meaning “see you later”. The Ojibwa don't have a way to say "goodbye" exactly. They say, "gigawaabamin", which is like saying "see you later" (and is usually said by the Injun pit boss at the local casino after you've lost your last $5 chip). The Cherokee word is “Donadagohvi” which not only means, “'til we meet again,” but also, "Four More Years of the Don."

Therefore, and in conclusion to this scholarly piece, I contend that Warren wasn't slighting Sanders by refusing to participate in an American tradition of shaking hands in "good bye", rather she was confused by the gesture. The video does appear to show Warren shaking hands with the other debate participants, which appears to disprove my chief hypothesis - but if you blow up the still frames, she is clearly just passing out wooden nickels and just ran out by the time she got to Bernie.

P.S. "Chief Hypothesis" is on the Trump Train.

Sunday, January 5, 2020


Iran 'retaliates' for President Trump killing their top terrorist, Kasey Kasem SoulManie by raising a scary red flag on some rounded, phallic-looking building, and predictably the journalists are terrified.

Obviously, the scary red flag reminded me of the hours (days/weeks) I spent playing Super Mario Bros games. The red flags were special level-ending goals. Just jump and grab, and on to the next level.

As for the dead terrorist, SoulManie - let's take a moment to celebrate his removal with this tribute...

Friday, January 3, 2020

Good Boy, Conan!

Chattering Teeth News - Conan, the K9 commando who was at the forefront of the the raid that killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi in October was at it again. Injured during the Al-Baghdadi mission, Conan has been training as a U.S. Drone pilot during his recuperation, and he put his training to good use Thursday when he got the call from President Trump to hit Iranian Qud General Qassem Soleimani. A short time later, a US missile found its mark. Good Boy!! The operation has been dubbed Operation: Chew the Qud.

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Monday, September 23, 2019

What Barbara Bush Would Say

When I saw that photo of the Iranian militiamen above the fold and big as you please, I couldn't help wondering what Barbara Bush would say. I think she's cleared that up. I tend to agree with her.

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Bongo Joe "behind the gym"

"Bongo" Joe Biden threatens to beat Trump "like a drum".

What is it with Joe Biden's threats of violence against Donald Trump?

"Bongo" Joe has a long history of making threats of physical violence against this president. Remember back in 2016 when he said, "If we were in high school, I'd take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him".

A year later, he doubled down on his physical threats. “The idea that I’d be intimidated by Donald Trump? ... He’s the bully that I’ve always stood up to. He’s the bully that used to make fun when I was a kid that I stutter, and I’d smack him in the mouth.”

"Oh, just trust me, I would kick his ass. He'd be easy," Trump has said.

This Chattering Teeth reporter has used Justice Kavanaugh's Frat House Time Machine (made from a car battery, jumper cables and spare beer kegger taps) to go back in time to peek in on Donald J Trump and his visit to the puny Bongo Joe Biden at his locker in order to collect his lunch money.

Friday, September 20, 2019

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau now says Wearing black face is a human right

Here come the long lines. When the government makes black face "free," woke white guilt progressives' demand for black face services surges. They have no incentive to limit their visits or choose more cost-efficient makeup.

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

The New York Times Supermarket Tabloid Landfill Fodder

Chattering Teeth News - The New York Times latest explosive report claims that when Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was still at Yale, he used a hot tub time machine from the basement of his frat house (and made from a car battery, jumper cables and spare beer kegger taps) to go back to November 2, 1948 and rape Harry S. Truman on the eve of his election.

Democrats immediately began calling for Kavanaugh's impeachment and removal from the high court after these baseless allegations.

The paper was forced to issue an update that included the significant detail that several friends of the alleged victim were exhumed and could not recall the purported sexual assault. The paper also had to admit that time travel was not yet possible, let alone in the 1980s when Brett was at Yale. However, they theorized that sometime in the distant future, time travel is likely, and that a future time traveler could potential go back to the 80s with a spare time machine for Brett to then use to go back to 1948.

When the NY Times was asked how this fake hit piece came to be published, a spokesperson for the paper claimed "friends pushed a pen into the hand of a female reporter and she has no memory of using these words."

The reporter herself used a Joe Biden gaffe as her defense, claiming that she came from a very poor background and therefore "heard 4 million words fewer spoken by the time she got there".

The alleged victim's desiccated corpse refused to be interviewed.


Sunday, September 15, 2019

Beto: "Hell yes. We’re going to take your baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet"

Beto: "Hell yes. We’re going to take your baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet"

O’Rourke says baseball is a sport that involves attempting to hit a high-velocity ball and designed to entertain people in a ballpark. Sure, it looks easy for a muscular and fit professional baseball player to shred the cover off the ball with a high-impact swing of the bat - but when I see this sport played by children... I saw a 9-year-old girl in Podunk, USA, cry after dribbling the ball 2 feet off a tee and failing to make it to first base before getting tagged out by the catcher! 

And the hot dog? When this high-cholesterol, high-sodium weiner, when it hits your body, shreds everything inside of your body, your waistline and arteries, because it was designed to do that...

As for the apple pie and their classic pastry crust made from butter, flour and sugar... how could I hope to maintain my 6'4" 90-lb effeminate girlish figure by consuming these?

Forget about the Chevrolet and it's planet-destroying and fossil fuel guzzling combustible engine.

Hell yes. We’re going to take your baseball, your hot dogs. Your pie. Your cars. We’re not going to allow fellow Americans to enjoy unhealthy freedoms anymore.

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Politicians in cars getting Cheeseburgers

BLOG ANNOUNCER GUY: Good afternoon, and welcome to another exciting episode of Politicians in Cars Getting Cheeseburgers, with your host, President Donald J Trump!

[theme music - Glenn Miller's opening of In The Mood starts the show!!!]

SHOW RECAP: Whether Trump is entertaining visiting dignitaries, royalty from overseas, business tycoons - or just Whenever he gets a hankerin' for a late night cheeseburger - the president calls down to his secret motor pool to have James 'Mad Dog' Mattis pull around to the South Lawn door for a quick exfil and gettaway from CNN fake news reporter, Jim Acosta, who is usually hiding naked in some White House bushes taking notes (or something).

Mad Dog has been President Trump's wheelman and impromptu valet ever since he resigned as Secretary of Defense last December. Today, he is driving a mini eco car in order to throw off the press pool, who would never dream that Trump would ever ride in an environmentally friendly car. What they don't know is that Trump had his smart cars retrofitted to run on high octane Polar Bear blood.

...and now, on to the show!!! [raucous applause]

In this week's episode, President Trump takes John Bolton for a ride. The National Security Adviser thinks he is being treated to a Big Mac from the boss, but actually Trump tells him that his services are no longer needed at the White House, and instructs Mad Dog to pull over and throw Bolton out at the corner of First Street and Union Station Plaza Northeast.

This latest move has once again stymied the fake news media who hate John Bolton and his hawkish foreign policy positions, yet hate the president even more. Trump calls this pulling the rug with the fake news media. He did the same thing with the firing of James Comey, whom the leftists hated while he was FBI director, but suddenly loved him after Trump fired him.

Now that John Bolton is out as National Security Advisor, who is the next in line? Chattering Teeth News has it on good authority (made up) that MICHAEL Bolton will soon be named to fill the slot.

Before anyone feels sorry for the departing Bolton, John has signed with Chattering Teeth Publishing to record this new album...

(yes, those last 2 are repeats of mine but I like them, so...)


Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Trump's Sharpie Does it Again!

Trump uses sharpie to extend Conservative Republican Dan Bishop's victory in NC to include Alabama's 7th Congressional district and unseating Terri Sewell, the only Democrat Congressman in Alabama.