Sunday, January 21, 2018

'SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY' (Will it be cancelled due to the gov't shutdown?)

Squirrel Appreciation Day Was created in 2001 by a wildlife rehabilitator in North Carolina and has been observed annually (by a handful of scattered nuts) on January 21 ever since.

HOW WILL THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN AFFECT SCHEDULED SQUIRREL DAY FESTIVITIES IN YOUR AREA?

There are no government sponsored parades, picnics, fireworks... puppet shows... NUTHIN in my area today. THANKS FOR NUTTIN' DONALD TRUMP! I had been looking forward to celebrating Squirrel Appreciation Day for a very long time, if not since 5 minutes ago when I learned of this new holiday.

NOTE: To the wildlife rehabilitator who created this fake holiday 17 years ago. You really should re-name this fake holiday to something a little more catchy and memorable. How about calling it -
LOLLASQUIRRELKWANZAA! 

THANKFULLY, My Imaginary Pocket Therapy Animal is actually not a squirrel, but a Russian black-capped marmot named Checkov, and will not be affected by this shutdown.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go outside and erect a barricade around my Maple tree with the squirrel feeder hanging from the lower branch. Sorry neighborhood rodents, but I must artificially inflict as much public pain during this government shutdown as possible. I learned this nefarious trick from Obama.

Friday, January 19, 2018

Democrats starve, shackle and taunt citizens with food

Chattering Teeth News - Democrat Minority Leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi have been operating a House (& Senate) of Horrors for years, and are threatening to escape blame and continue their string of attrocities, torture and abuse against United States citizens by shutting down the government in favor of a few million illegal aliens.

The two minority leaders are facing up to life in prison after being charged Thursday for torture and child abuse, authorities said, while revealing more shocking details of the alleged atrocities that happened inside the Washington beltway.

Prosecutors allege the citizens were subjected to “frequent beatings” by their proxies in the mainstream media, and “even strangulation” in the state-controlled education system, and citizens weren’t even allowed to be unshackled to go to the correct bathroom for their gender. They also allegedly deprived them of food and water and dependent citizens were allowed to take only one shower a year.

Prosecutors also said the minority leader parents and their cohorts ate well, and would taunt their children by leaving pumpkin and apple pies on the counter and letting the children look at them, but not eat.

“I like to make them eat a bowl of doggy-doo with a cherry on top and calling it a chocolate sundae,” slurred an obviously mentally deranged Pelosi.

They would also force the citizens to try to log into the obamacare website on the laptop sitting on the filthy kitchen counter, and would laugh uproariously when they ultimately failed.

"The citizens will blame our Republican neighbors if we shut down the government because they control Congress and the White House," slurred a drooling Pelosi through slipping dentures. "We will go to the imaginary wall in full support for amnesty of the Dreamers, no matter how badly it hurts the actual legal citizens."

Prosecutors said the citizens plotted their escape for eight long years during the torturous obama administration, only to finally free themselves with the election of Trump. However, keeping these despicable democrat miscreants down and out will depend on the continued success of the righteous christian conservative citizens over these worthless piles of human debris and those who support them.... and a non-stop stream of Trump tweets, of course.

THE END

Thursday, January 18, 2018

“THE MOST DISHONEST & CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS OF THE YEAR"

and The Highly-Anticipated 2017 Fake News Awards go to...
AWARDS TOTALS
'Fake News' CNN: 4
'Failing' New York Times: 2
ABC Snooz: 1
TIME: 1
Washington Post: 1
Newsweek: 1


Is it just me, or does this list seem both highly specific and yet oddly vague at the same time? It's specific in that they point to individual fake news stories but vague in the sense that I wanted more personal attacks on individual so-called journalists. The top award does go to Buffoonish Paul
Krugman, while Brian Ross is named in the second - but it seems these first two awards are more about the DOW. Rightfully so, I suppose. Take a bow, DOW, and thank you, Mister president!

There are so many fake news stories every day, so I'm not sure how a full year's worth can be filtered down into a top 11 list. We are deluged with leftist propaganda dressed up like news, while these so-called journalists prove they are just a tool of the democrat party by ignoring actual reporting that would damage their 'side'.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! STAINED BLUE CHUNKY WHITE HOUSE INTERN DRESS INCOMING!!

Change the channel and we are assaulted by a late night troupe of sad clowns like the unfunny Trevor Noah, sloppy Stephen Colbert, and crying Jimmy Kimmel, who continue to carry the communist torch passed to them by the msm from earlier in the day.

There must be a collective sigh of relief from the seemingly endless stable of fake news reporters from all of the MSM networks when this list didn't  tag them specifically. At least give the following a participation trophy...

runner's up:
The unwashed blue jeans Anderson Cooper,
Stop the Hammerin' Lawrence O'Donnell,
Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd,
Bloody Mika and Unsolved Mystery low ratings Joe,
Dude looks nuthin' like a lady Rachel Maddow and effeminate Chris Hayes,
tequila shots Don Lemon
cosmopolitan bias Jim Acosta
etc, etc, etc...


who would you add?

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Anthropogenic Michigan Meteor

Had this meteor hit Flint, it could have caused hundreds of dollars in damage.

Most scientists agree that the recent freezing temperatures and yesterday's Michigan meteor are clearly the result of global warming. Please be on the lookout for a wandering herd of dinosaurs in the unlikely event they survived this strike.


While rare for meteor strikes in Michigan, they have happened here before. In fact, it's widely believed that numerous 'strikes' in the past resulted in the destruction of GM in Flint.



In other news...
In the search of my archives for that old dinosaur pic (above), I ran across something I wrote back in 2013. I think its pretty good so I am reposting now. I don't write like that anymore. I guess the lead catches up to you at some point.

With every technological advance, there are less and less reasons for us to actually see one another

My wife and I recently had a "debate" with our 18-year-old, the youngest of 3 boys. I say "debate", because it might have only lasted about 20 seconds, and was without those pesky time-wasting "point/counter-points".

The topic was Technology, and I surprised myself by taking the position, "technology, bad". My wife, who has on more than one occasion recently made known her desire to live on Walton's Mountain, agreed with me. My son provided a spirited defense and contrarian view by emphatically stating, "I can't believe you two are against technology."

I think I won the debate with this verbal roundhouse knockout: "Technology bad because I said so!" He never really saw that coming.

I've thought about this since. It's not that I feel that all technological advances have been bad. For instance, I am happy the caveman invented the wheel. And at some point, "FIRE! GOOOOD!"

For me, it boils down to whether these so-called "advances" lead to more human interaction or less, not just whether or not some new thing makes a task easier. The caveman's wheel allowed us to travel to and visit other communities, and the campfire allowed for more communal congregations (as well as blackened haunch of mammoth). So from my prism, Fire good, wheel good.

But what about recent advances in this digital age? Have these improvements we've enjoyed over the last few decades led to more or less human interaction?

Tweet, Facebook or text me with your answer, as I can't remember the last time I've actually seen most of you for us to have this conversation in person.

As some of you know, I enjoyed a 30 year career in newspapers. When the digital comet hit, I blogged about it on a few occasions.

"Too bad for you, but if you had it your way we'd all be riding around in a horse and carriage! Lots of people lost their jobs in carriage and buggy whip factories when the automobile was invented. Maybe we'd be better off getting our news, information and advertising on stone tablets?"

Maybe you haven't been paying attention, mister disembodied voice. The transition from horse-drawn buggies to horseless carriages improved travel, thereby expanding human interaction. Can the same be said of this digital world?

I admit to being conflicted here. I am a voracious consumer of internet-based news. I read books predominately from my Kindle. I blog (though many would wish otherwise). I'll concede these products improve the medium, but at a cost of human interaction.

There are no trucks or warehouses staffed by folks inserting, bundling and otherwise preparing these digital bytes for timely loading to the internet's back dock. There is no delivery force working through the night hours distributing these packets of data, waving to customers waiting on their front porches somewhere each day on a suburban internet router. No door-to-door weekly bill collections, conversations and human interactions that will never be again. 

Maybe it's just me, but I miss some of the simpler things that my sons will never experience.

I miss frequenting the local Borders, sipping a cappuccino while browsing the latest book selection to the song stylings of a local unknown sitting on a stool in the corner and playing his acoustic guitar.

I miss perusing the VHS movies at Blockbuster Video and getting spontaneous recommendations from strangers who notice you reading the back cover of a movie you're considering to rent.

I miss visiting the local Harmony House music retailer, not remembering the name of the artist or song I heard on the radio, but humming a few bars for the ponytailed salesperson and leaving with a new vinyl record or cassette.

I even miss pulling up to the regular pump during the winter, getting a fillup while never leaving the warmth of the car and paying the gas station attendant a $5 bill (including tip)

I miss TV Guide magazine, and going through each new issue in search of any listed Steve Martin scheduled appearances on variety and/or talk shows.

And of course I miss dirty black newsprint on my hands.

Now it appears that America's malls are the latest dinosaur in the crosshairs of the digital comet.

Like many men my age, I have never enjoyed the mall shopping experience. I've never looked forward to having to park in a different zipcode from my destination - fighting crowds and long lines of elbows and attitudes, paying confiscatory prices just to get the heck out of there, only to spend the rest of the weekend looking for my car. 

That said, it will be sad when they are gone too.

I saw somewhere recently where kids who stayed home sick from school were able to log in remotely and participate. How long before this is what public education is?

In the not-so-distant future, I'll have no reason to unplug myself from my pod.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Little Dicky Durbin crammed in drain after toaster set off smoke alarm

Chattering Teeth News - In the feel-good bi-partisan department -  They may be on opposite sides of the political fence, but when a perceived crisis occurs, you may rest assured that the president will immediately take the opportunity to cram his opponents into the nearest storm sewer.

Unfortunately, a winter storm surge swept Little Dicky deep into the lower bowels of the sewer labyrinth beneath the capital where he was transformed into a frozen turd-sycle, and is now producing some of his best legislation ever.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

this is a drill...


Jeff Spicoli, of Fast Times at Ridgemont High fame, is out as the Chief Civil Defense Button Engineer at the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency after pressing the wrong button and causing yesterday's false alarm.

SPICOLI: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Sounds like a model democrat employee for the communist republic of Hawaii. I can't imagine what went wrong, but this false alarm caused people to believe they were about to die for 38 minutes. In fairness, this is less time on average that one feels like dying while watching anything with Sean Penn in it.

So what's next for Jeff Spicoli?

SPICOLI: Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Mick are going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones!

OK, full disclosure. I really like that movie. But now that his boss, Mr. Hand, has torn his time card in half and fired him ("You d*ck!"), Hawaii is in desperate need of a new Button Engineer. I have a few worthy candidates in mind.

1) Baby Groot, of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 fame.

ROCKET: Whatever you do, don't push *this* button... Does anybody have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button. 



Baby Groot is an animated potted plant not named "Joe Biden." Maybe Baby Groot would make a better VP candidate for Oprah. As Button Mgr, he has a 50/50 chance of pushing the right button every time. This wooden twig is smarter than the average dope smoking democrat.

2) Fat guy in a little coat.

If the guy is fat enough, he won't even be able to reach the buttons.



3) Matt Lauer.

He checks all the boxes. He's a democrat. He's unemployed and available. He has a ton of experience manipulating a secret desk button.




There are numerous other worthy candidates who reach the democrat low bar . Here are just a few more...
So far the Ryobi 18-Volt ONE+ Lithium-Ion Starter Drill is the leading candidate for the job.

Friday, January 12, 2018

New UN nameplates here for all the sh*thole countries

TRUMP: Why should we accept more immigrants from Haiti and sh*thole countries in Africa rather than places like Norway?

Trump remark draws sharp reactions from UN, Haiti, Africa.

If you upset the UN and drive the msm 'bonkers', you're doing something right.

From Black Hat Conservative

U.N. spokesman Rupert Colville said that "you cannot dismiss entire countries and continents as `s---holes'."

Just to double down on his remarks, Trump orders Nikki Haley to swap out some of the nameplates at the United Nations....


Now what to do with all the old ones? At least we salvaged ours... and Norway's.


Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Cracking Up

Trump lawyer gives Steve Bannon 24 hours to cease and desist.

By the looks of him, it appears Steve has already received and complied with a "cyst and deceased" order to his haggard and corpselike face. 

*RIMSHOT* 

As you may know, I was not on the Trump train as early as most. A lot of that was due to his affiliation with this a$$ clown (among others). The president has been a pleasant surprise to me in his first year on the job. Meanwhile, Bannon has not been a surprise at all. What ever the inflammatory accusations he is making, it's just nothing more than noise to me. This egomaniac has zero credibility.

“They’re going to crack Don Junior like an egg on national TV,” the disheveled Bannon slurred.

Go home, Humpty. You're drunk.

Depending on the availability of the hotels wifi, I may be off the internets for a week or so. Feel free to feel the fake news gap by reading Bannon's book. 

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

HUMP DAY PHOTO QUIZ

What does this field of dreams depict?
1) Starving, worm-infested North Korean soldiers rummaging through a corn field foraging for food.

2) The president has given just one solo press briefing since taking office. Pictured are the hungry White House Press corp  after being given leave to find Fake News and to subsist only on his Twitter feed.

3) Palestinians and Pakistanis rioting after learning that Trump was cutting off their allowance. (p.s. - Chattering Teeth Studios will be passing out sweets to the children in celebration of this announcement)

4) illegals pouring over the border into the communist state of california.

No time for resting... still more winning necessary.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Fellowship of the Drunks

On today's blog show - The first feel-good story of 2018 has a Tolkien theme

*Cue Theme song*

*start fog machine* 
[My handsome silhouette appears behind the back-lit stage curtain - arms crossed and head down...]

ANNOUNCER-GUY: LIVE! From the Chattering Teeth Studios, it's your favorite blog feature game show where I first quote from a linked story, then I comment on the contents of said quote with a pithy, sarcastic or otherwise unoriginal response that will quite literally change the world! Immediately. Seriously. Literally, as in symbolically in my own mind. So COME ON DOWN! you're the next reader on DaBlade is Right!

Today's featured story takes us to the other side of the globe... where Hobbits actually once roamed.

New Zealanders build island in bid to avoid alcohol ban

"A group of friends came up with a creative plan to avoid a New Year's Eve alcohol ban, by building a makeshift island in coastal waters."

First off - An alcohol ban on New Year's Eve? Have we landed in North Korea? Or worse yet, Mordor? Well good on them for finding a creative solution. Load up the barrels, boys! We're off to New Rivendell, where the mead flows freely!



"...they built the island out of sand during a low tide on Sunday, and it was just big enough to fit a picnic table and an Esky."

The sandbar island was not, apparently, large enough to include a porta-Loo. And there are no Ents on the island, though they might object if they were. You may try to hold it until your Sting glows blue, but at some point you will need to release the orcs into the pool.


"Because the friends were in "international waters", they technically were excluded from the alcohol ban."

and so begins Fellowship of the Drunks.

[CUT SCENE]
Frodo Baggins: I wish the alcohol ban had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
Police Commander Sauron: You can not hide, I see you! There is no life, after me. Only!.. Death!

"The friends stayed on the island throughout the night, drinking alcohol and watching the fireworks."

That was good. Let's get another one.


"The island was still standing on New Year's Day... It was great to see some Kiwis having a bit of fun."
THE END

Sunday, December 31, 2017

2018 Blog New Year's Resolutions

What a difference a year makes, eh? ISIS is all but destroyed. No more Muslim Brotherhood toga parties at the White House. No more late night choom smoke wafting from the shaded corners of the White House South Lawn portico while the world was on fire. Ahhhh! Freedom!



As I scan the list of last year's 2017 Blog New Year's Resolutions, I am reminded of my juvenile and immature self from a full year ago. How naive and unsophisticated I was way back then! Were my puerile blog posts really that sophomoronic and Jejune? Was I so insecure and lubricious 12 months ago that I felt the need to use thesaurus dot com as a sort of crutch  to hide my indolence?

Well no more, misters and misseses! From now on, its full on blog stream of consciousness.

I've decided that my 2018 resolutions will be more about some guiding principles than an actual "to do" list. Some of these proverbs, idioms and mottos may seem familiar, but I've molded and improved them to fit my sedentary and reclusive lifestyle. I hope you find them utilitarian.

*Conceive it. Believe it. Achieve it. Take a selfie of me with it.

*Endeavor to persevere. Unless you're binge-watching Yule Log on Netflix.

*The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but never give a new rotor to a crying infant and expect a competent brake installation.

*Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but imitating flatulence can be considered cultural appropriation.

*Work hard and be kind and humble to others. Once enough wealth is acquired, kick those f*&kers to the curb.

*Never put off till tomorrow what... Never mind, the hockey game's on. I'll tell ya later.

*Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Unless you are a pessimistic masochist.

*The Truth shall set you free, but not as surely as a San Francisco jury.

*a friend in need is a friend indeed. Unless said 'friend' is the Friend of the Court, in which case the friend in need may require your Quit Claim Deed.

*Above all to thine own self be true. Just not on your Facebook homepage.

*To catch rabbits, Hide behind a bush and do carrot calls. You may not catch a rabbit, but... hey, look! A butterfly!

* (Ed's fav from last year) I resolve to live by this creed: Discretion may be the better part of valor, but a manly plush bathrobe is the better part of velour.

*Obviously as a grown a$$ed man, my preferred gender pronouns are 'he', 'him', and 'his', as I am not mentally ill. However, I do suffer from Subordinating Conjunction dysphoria, and therefore my adverb preference is 'nevertheless'.

*Helen Keller once signed, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Or was that Koko the talking gorilla? Then who signed, "Frown, cry, frown, sad" when their pet cat died? I always get those two mixed up.

*I believe it was Socrates who said... "You say goodbye and I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello." And then he was immediately administered hemlock for this heresy. I think. Then again, you should trust my wisdom implicitly because if it can be said that anybody doesn't know anything for sure, it's me! (There. unravel that word-riddle in your free time, whydon'tcha).

*I believe it was the Greek philosopher PlayDoh who said... "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. And if it doesn't fit, you better hope it didn't come from Wal Mart. Have you ever been through their returns line? Not the best dental plan I'll tell ya".

Cheers, everybody! Happy New Year! Have a safe celebration, and remember that tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Let's fill it with fake news!

Friday, December 29, 2017

The True Story of Melania and the White House Magnolia Tree

It's not surprising that Newsweek ran with a slanted hit piece on Melania Trump this week, with a bold headline in caps screaming:
MELANIA TRUMP ORDERS REMOVAL OF NEAR-200-YEAR-OLD TREE FROM WHITE HOUSE

What's a progressive mind to make of that? Melania must really hate old, historic trees! What could she possible have against an old growth Magnolia tree reportedly planted by none other than Andrew Jackson - a tree that has provided shade to countless visitors, and a safe haven and sanctuary for generations of squirrels and birds?

A tree that has witnessed so much important history. From the growing pains of a nation through the Civil War, both world wars, Elvis visiting Nixon, and the Obama girls (Sachal & Malace?) climbing its boughs to hide from their parents in order to smoke weed. And now the tree is all gone! Ripped from the ground root and stem and sold for parts like so much unwanted tissue mass from the womb of a democrat women at Planned Parenthood.

*Lip Quiver* Wh... wh... wh... whyyyyy!?

Fake news! Of course, the main stream haters will never tell you the true story of love behind the felling of this once-majestic tree. But that's why you come here, isn't that so my dear Theophilus?

So pull up the nearest stump and make yourself comfortable - for I am about to tell you the true story of a certain White House tree. I call this tale...

THE GIFT OF THE MAGNOLIA
[DISCLAIMER: Any similarity between this story and the short story written by O. Henry in 1905 titled, The Gift of the Magi - the tale with a Christmas twist involving a good wife who sold her hair for money to buy her husband a chain for his pocket watch, a watch he sold for money to buy her a set of fancy hair combs - is strictly coincidental.]

There once was a historic 200-year-old tree growing on the south lawn, and it was yuuuuuge! Believe me.

Melania daydreamed as she stared at the tree out the White House window. Christmas was almost upon them. This would be their first Christmas spent in the White House and she wanted it to be special. But what could she give her husband for Christmas that he didn't already have? Maybe a set of fancy hair combs? 

She continued to ponder this as she gazed at the wizened tree with it's gnarled branches held on to the trunk with a precarious series of pulleys and cabling. It was a wonder the old tree was still standing, and it had now become an actual safety hazard as it could fall over with the next slightest breeze. 

The tree had survived the last 200 years of administrations, but not for much longer after supporting Mooshell's girth when she climbed after her girls during the last one. "That is one ugly tree," thought Melania. "I really can't stand that tree. Just think of the wonderful natural light we could have in this wing if only that tree were removed." 

Donald watched his beautiful wife from the doorway, careful not to alert her to his presence. He noticed her staring at the large tree outside the window. She seemed to stare at the tree an awful lot lately. "She must really like that tree," thought the president. "That gives me a great gift idea!"

Suddenly Melania whirled from the window with the perfect gift idea that struck her like a lightening bolt.

LATER THAT CHRISTMAS EVE NIGHT... 
**the sound of a chainsaw firing up from somewhere on the grounds does not seem to catch the attention of the crack squad of Secret Service agents posting guard duty that night, as their earbuds tuned to their favorite spotify playlists muffled the whining roar of the chainsaw...

CHRISTMAS MORNING, 2017
At 7 o'clock the coffee was made... Melania stood in the doorway of the Oval Office, her nightgown covered in a fine layer of sawdust. "Here is you Christmas present darling!," said Melania, as she handed her husband his gift. Donald quickly tore off the wrappings to expose a brand new set of golf club woods.

"Do you like them?," she inquired. "The club heads are made from the wood of that nasty old tree that was in the yard until last night. I sawed that bastard down and stayed up all night whittling these for you."

Donald plopped down hard in his easychair, a look of shock on his face.  "You've cut the tree?" asked Donald. "You've cut the tree!"

Out of his trance Donald seemed quickly to wake. "if you'll unwrap that package you may see why you had me going a while at first. I sold my golf bag in order to buy this for you..."

White fingers and nimble tore at the string and paper. And then an ecstatic scream of joy; and then, alas! a quick feminine change to hysterical tears and wails... "Why, it's a bench! Like those you see sitting under the large Linden trees in my homeland of Slovenia!"

 How thoughtful! This would have been perfect sitting under that old Magnolia tree I removed to make your golf clubs."

"And these golf clubs would have have fit perfectly in my old golf bag - the one I sold in order to buy this bench for you," said Donald.

"But we're filthy rich," said Melania. "You didn't need to sell your golf bag!" 

"Oh well. One less tree though! Merry Christmas, dear!"

THE END

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

December the 26th, CORRECT!

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