Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Jebster's Campaign of Love

Jeb Bush Says He Was "herido" by Trump Remarks About Mexicans.

and now... reminiscent of President Abraham Lincoln's whistle-Stop speeches from the back of trains...

Jeb Bush horn-honk campaign from the back of illegals pickup truck in full swing.

 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

equal immigration footing

Obama: New citizens can skip pledge to take up arms and defend the U.S.
US Citizenship and Immigration Services on Tuesday said it will no longer require incoming U.S. citizens to pledge that they will "bear arms on behalf of the United States" or "perform noncombatant service" in the Armed Forces as part of the naturalization process. Those lines are in the Oath of Allegiance that people recite as they become U.S. citizens. But USCIS said people "may" be able to exclude those phrases for reasons related to religion or if they have a conscientious objection. .

At least this puts them on equal footing with the millions of illegal immigrants, who by definition are not swearing allegiance to this country.


The current naturalization oath (with the highlighted changes I expect to see soon)

"I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen;  embrace and recognize the United Nations as having jurisdiction over a Republican House and Senate; that I will support and defend the fundamental transformation of the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; Christian conservative tea party white people and cops; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; take advantage of free health care, education, food stamps, and welfare that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I swear allegiance to the henceforth perpetually elected Democrat party; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; (or after a visit from Ambassador Bill Cosby and his bag of very persuasive "puddin' pops") so help me Obama

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Will Barack Hussein Obama make historic visit to muslim killer's sanctuary mosque?

...and become the first sitting President to read from the koran and give the eulogy in honor of the terrorist who just murdered four United States Marines?

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Unless you're a democrat voter, you know that Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez (Moe) is the 24-year-old Kuwaiti-born terrorist who opened fire at two military facilities in Chattanooga, Tennessee on Thursday, killing four Marines, before he was given a lead ticket straight to hell.

That part is true. The rest of the story may be a complete fig newton of my machinations, albeit utterly believable.

According to shariah law, Moe's bullet-riddled body had to be buried as soon as possible from the time of death, and so his funeral arrangements were necessarily a little hasty.

However, since Moe was not a beautiful white woman killed by an illegal immigrant with seven felony convictions, obama was able to rearrange his schedule (change his tee time) to attend Moe's service and give the eulogy at the local imam's request.

While the service was closed to all but family members, this blog reporter was able to execute this deep undercover assignment without incident. Regular readers know I take pride as a master of disguise and an uncanny ability to transform myself into a different person (or camel) for each blog assignment. Sometimes I just need a fake mustache and a bogus French accent. Other times I have to go the extra mile by putting bologna slices in each shoe. It depends on the assignment and what's needed to accomplish complete assimilation. To become one with my surroundings - veritably invisible in plain sight by watchful eyes.

Going through my disguise closet, I came across my goat costume. No way, Jose'! Who needs THAT "hurt locker"?

I got to the mosque early for surreptitious entry (climbed through window opposite of mecca), and was immediately promoted as the new self-appointed Muslim funeral director - the old one was "tied up" in a nearby closet. I can't swear that I prepared Moe's corpse strickly according to their islamic tradition by washing (“Ghusl”) and shrouding (“Kafan”), but I did give him a good yellow "Gushy" and the ol' number two "Krapan" before rolling him up in a persian rug like an over-sized Golumpki.

I knew the prayer service was about to begin when folks started bobbing foreheads to the ground.


OBAMA EULOGY EXCERPT: Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez could have been me 35 years ago. Moe, and other young jihadists have made mistakes that aren't that different than the mistakes I made. There is a fine line between president and terrorist. There but for the grace of allah go I.

Now I wasn't there, and as usual, don't have any facts, but whoever gunned down young Moe acted stupidly. Young and gentle Moe may have made a mistake, but that doesn't excuse law enforcement and military personnel to make the same mistake by bringing firearms onto a military base. 


Further, I'm told he had his hands up and yelled "don't shoot". At some point, we will have to reckon with the fact that this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries. They're killin' teens, they're killin' dreams!

As president, I want all of you to know that young Moe's life will not have been forfeited in vain. As you know, organ donation is generally acceptable for Muslims, as it follows the koran’s teaching that "Whosoever saves the life of one person it would be as if he saved the life of all mankind." With that said, I will be signing an executive order this afternoon, and the four marine corpseman's (sic) bodies will be seized, sliced up and the organs sold for parts by the local Planned Parenthood.

END EXCERPT

Thursday, July 16, 2015

No Life on Pluto, says Planned Parenthood SpokesKiller

Apparently, we have some spaceship doing a flyby of the dwarf planet Pluto, and NASA has just released this amazing image!

Yet another orb in this solar system devoid of intelligent life.
NOTE: Yes, I recycled an old image of mine from 2012 -
Did Mars Rover Curiosity Already Find Life?!

I wonder if the Martians and Plutonians realize they can make money harvesting the organs from these aborted tissue masses ?

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Obama's Iranian Crap Sandwich


The GOP presidential candidates stopped over to the Chattering Teeth Studios today to watch the obama news conference concerning the Iran nuke deal on my 21" big screen TV.


OBAMA: After two years of negotiations, I have achieved something that decades of animosity has not...

Ted Cruz: We know. Complete and utter surrender to the axis of evil.

OBAMA: ...This deal is also in line with a tradition of American leadership. It’s now more than 50 years since President Kennedy stood before the American people and said...

Rick Perry: Look Jacqueline, a book depository!

Rick Santorum: Is it just me, or does the Vice President look like he had a bad burrito for lunch?

Marco Rubio: Joe definitely looks like he's late for an appointment to drop the obama kids off at the pool.

John Kasich: Quiet guys! I want to hear this!

OBAMA:  ...this deal is not built on trust. It is built on verification. ...

Donald Trump: Speaking of "trust, but verify"... I TRUST that was just gas. However, I really think I ought to VERIFY that El Chapo didn't just make another prison break, if you get my drift.

Chris Christie: Can we stop with the juvenile fart and poop jokes please? I'd like to hear our commander-in-chief speak! Hey Carly. Would you be a doll and get me another donut?

OBAMA: ... under this deal, Iran will also get rid of 98 percent of its stockpile of enriched uranium....

Scott Walker: Speaking of ridding the stockpile, and judging by Biden's pinched face, it looks like the missile may be peaking from the silo.

Carly Fiorina: Joe may have just found the hidden imam!

Jeb Bush: Silencio, por favor. quiero escuchar este!

Mike Huckabee: Blow me, Jeb. We're just having a little fun here while we can. You know, before the inevitable mushroom cloud obama has just guaranteed.

Bobby Jindal: While we have all been fixated on Biden's constipated face, and rightfully so, has anyone else noticed the camera framing our big-eared president's head in front of the chandelier? It makes him look like he is wearing pearl earrings and a pearl necklace, courtesy of Iranian President Hassan Rouhani.

Lindsey Graham: Out of everyone here, I have the most forun policy expeeeeriunce.

Ben Carson: You can pucker up too, Lindsey. Nobody takes you seriously here.

OBAMA: ...And finally, I want to thank the American negotiating team. We had a team of experts working for several weeks straight on this...

Rand Paul: Wait, experts? I thought he had John Kerry on this?

Donald Trump: Seriously, why didn't the president put Biden the "underwear bomber" in the room to negotiate this deal...  Roushani would have taken one look at that face and either made a rushed deal to our benefit, or called for a UN inspection and cleanup team in hazmats to investigate.

Except for a few dissenters, it appears we are all in agreement. Obama just made us another big ol' crap sandwich. I expect Israel's "let's move" response, and I don't think it will be Michelle's program.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Future Shock: Indian Burial Grounds Discovered at Future Detroit Red Wings Arena Site


Implosion Brings Historic Detroit Hotel Crumbling To Ground
The Park Avenue Hotel, built in the 1920s and abandoned since 2003, was imploded Saturday morning. It was brought down as part of a $650 million development project to create a 45-acre downtown sports and entertainment district, anchored by a new Detroit Red Wings arena.

That part is true. What may be a fig newton of my machinations is the rest of this blog story.

DETROIT - Bill & Ted's Excellent Demolition company brought down some old and abandoned 13-story building with 200lbs of TNT this morning and inadvertently opened a temporary time warp portal in the smoldering hole in the ground. Tired of being just a pair of boring old mortar forkers at the construction company, our heroes leaped through the time portal in search for adventure.

Witnesses nearby (homeless crack heads who were staying at the abandoned hotel) insist that Bill & Ted disappeared into the portal and were only gone for mere moments. The boys reappeared wearing Red Wing jerseys, eating Little Caesar's pizza and carrying the Stanley Cup.

Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?

Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened.

EXCELLENT!
Future home of the Detroit Red Wings 2017

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Alternate Universe Fail - Patton Channels Obama

General George S. Patton channels Obama for his speech to the Third Army in 1944, prior to the Allied invasion of France.

PATTON: Men, all this stuff you hear about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of bullshit. But since when should our president listen to the American people?

The larger battle for hearts and minds is going to be a generational struggle. We’ll constantly reaffirm through words and deeds that we will never be at war with Germany while fighting terrorists who distort the National Socialist German Workers’ Party and whose victims are mostly Nazis.

Let me be clear, ideologies are not defeated by guns. No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the other poor dumb bastard join your focus group.

All right, you sons of bitches. You know how I feel. I'll be proud to lead you wonderful guys in gay marriage anytime, anywhere. That's all.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Hillary's Cattle Futures, Part II

Hillary Clinton campaign corrals media - used a rope to keep journalists away from the candidate on Saturday while she walked in this small town's July Fourth parade.

"They allowed themselves to be meekly herded – and be held back by – sneering interns carrying a rope."

PICTURED: Clinton staffer encourages journalist to step up the pace.

After the cankle walk parade, Hillary and her aids were brisked away in limos. The crowd slowly dispersed in order to continue their holiday celebrations elsewhere. All across the country, 4th of July celebrations were in full force. Barbeques, beaches, boats, bars and fireworks displays at dusk.  

As the sun rose on July 5th, an early riser taking her dog for a walk down Main St. discovered a horrific sight. The journalists were still trapped by the Hillary parade rope line from the day before. The witness immediately called 9-1-1.

OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?

LADY: Yah, I'd like to report a corral of journalists trapped in the road by a rope line. It appears they've been there since yesterday. They look hungry and thirsty! I'm a New Hampshire Democrat. If anything happens to the press, I literally won't know what to think! Please send help!


New Hampshire firefighters rushed to the scene, as their sirens filled the air. The jaws of life were used to free journalists at various stages of dehydration and hypothermia. None of the journalists would leave the area after being freed from the rope line until at last a Hillary staffer appeared on the scene and told them it was ok for them to go home.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Happy July 4TH!

I bought a new Weber charcoal grill at Lowe's yesterday for about $150. I know there are fancier gas and charcoal grills with larger grilling surfaces and more bells and whistles, but I stick to what I love and am loyal to that which grants me the same.

I've had my "old" Weber charcoal kettle grill for many years, and it sits next to a working gas grill. I end up using the Weber about 99% of the time. Aside from the fact that the legs fall off and the drum crashes to the ground spilling its molten contents if I hit a small bump when moving, it works great! (It's not like I haven't crashed to the ground and spilt my contents before). After today, it will go into semi-retirement.

Today the old grill will be working by the new guy's side, as they tirelessly churn out hotdogs, hamburgers and maybe even some chicken wings (if brother Rick is to be believed). We've been having family over for the 4th holiday the last few years now. Not everyone can make it every year, but it's always nice for those who can. Family, BBQ, salads, wine and/or beer. Maybe a big, fat cigar by the campfire (but enough about aunt Caitlyn). And enough about my dysfunctional family. Back to the grill review (is that what I'm doing?)

The only difference I can see at first blush between the old and new grills, is that my new Weber sports a fancy ash catcher instead of a tray, and has a temperature gauge on the lid. The ash catcher should make cleanup easier than the old aluminum tray thingy, and has the added benefit of potentially acting as a combustible engine for a new Weber rocket if I get carried away with the lighter fluid. (I'll keep you posted).

As for the temperature gauge, I doubt it will be more than a curiosity for me. I never grill anything that can't take direct heat, except for maybe my actual hands and permanently singed knuckle hairs.  In fact, the temperature gauge will be as useful as...
* a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse
* a trap door on a lifeboat
* A copy of the Constitution on our current President's desk.

And this concludes my very professional review of my new Weber kettle grill I haven't actually used yet.

Have a great Fourth, as we patriots celebrate the country as it was founded, and NOT what it has been transformed into.

In the meantime, please pass the mustard!
 By the way, nothing but Koegel Viennas for this Flintoid.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Everyday Heroes Profile

Today, we here at the spacious Chattering Teeth Blog Studios salute CDC Logistics Management Specialist George Roark. Roark was "Born to Lead" and according to that linked bio...

"is exactly the kind of person you’d want during an emergency response."


When cholera erupted on the streets of Haiti, eventually killing 5,000 and sickening 300,000 people, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control took action. Emergency Management Specialist George Roark, who received a master's degree in health care administration from Trinity in 1996, was deployed to the scene from his Georgia office to investigate the cause of the disease, which ran rampant when thousands of homeless Haitians crowded the streets.

Roark is also a family man, and in his "free time"  he runs "an annual hunt for medically fragile children and injured soldiers at his family ranch called Daggerhorn in Alabama."


"We hunt deer, but really it's just a tremendous growth experience for the kids and vets. We treat everybody the same and give them the full experience of hunting and being in control. We never have to ask for volunteers. There are always a huge number of people who just show up to help."

My guess is that his impressive career may be coming to an abrupt end after speaking the truth and calling out obama as “the worst pres we have ever had,” an “amateur” and “Marxist”.

Roark is voicing his displeasure due to the tsunami of illegal minors swamping our borders and bringing with them swine flu, dengue fever, Ebola and tuberculosis.... oops, my bad! I see we are now supposed to call these disease-carrying illegals "Unaccompanied Alien Children" (UAC).

Thank you for your dedication Mr. Roark. America needs more courageous men like yourself standing up and speaking truth, no matter the cost.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

NEW Circle Twerk, from RumpCo!

VOICEOVER ANNOUNCER GUY: Are you tired of those intolerant and homophobic Christians on your FaceBook feed who cling to their deeply held religious convictions by so far refusing to "celebrate pride" by overlaying their profile pictures with the rainbow filter tool? Well now you can do something about it!

New! From RumpCo! Introducing the Circle Twerk!
It's retro 1950s technology consisting of a revolving color wheel and cellophane color inserts. Originally used to convert black and white TVs to color,


but now you can...
INSTANTLY CONVERT 
by force those pesky homophobic CHRISTIAN friends...

Just set the Circle Twerk wheel in front of your laptop, iPad, cellphone or other viewing device, and give that circle a twerk! INSTANT PRIDE!

JOHNNY: But announcer guy, there are only red, blue, green, and yellow cellophane inserts. The rainbow flag also includes orange and purple!

ANNOUNCER GUY: Just spin the Circle Twerk faster, Johnny. I have a warehouse full of these things, so I don't know what else to tell ya!

IT'S FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

JOHNNY: UH OH! GRAMPA ISN'T WEARING ANY PANTS AGAIN!

ANNOUNCER GUY: Don't worry, Johhny! Grampa is just proudly displaying to the world and the 2% who are actually gay, his support of buggery and sodomy! The Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 declaring that same-sex marriage is a right, therefore the 75% who identify as Christian will just need to change their beliefs. Right Mr. President?

Whoops! Don't look now grampa, but I think Johnny dropped the remote control again!

COMING SOON! The Circle Twerk bicycle helmet mount!

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Obamerican History and the gnarled, intertwining branches of government

6th GRADE TEACHER (in the not too distant future): Good morning my young lesbians, gays, bi-sexuals and transgendereds!... oh, and you too boys and girls? Please stop talking and/or fornicating with your neighbor, roll up your prayer rugs, extinguish all non-medical marijuanna - and please put your condoms, dirty needles and any recently aborted fetuses under your desks.



Today's godless common core socialist progressive state-controlled lesson plan explores the three branches of our federal government. We will not be wasting time learning about some dead racist white crackers who wore powdered wigs in the late 1700s, and how they intended separation of powers to work. I mean really children, that is so racist, and sooooo yesterday!

Think of today's three branches of government as a braided rope. Three separate strands twisted and working together, and becoming stronger as a unit than they are on their own and working against the State. 

It's called tinsel strength children, but you can call it whatever you want on the next quiz for an "A"!

The first and most important branch is the Executive branch, which is the president. Before 2008, the president held no power over the other two branches, and sometimes the president would have to compromise with the mean old Republicans or they would threaten to shut down the government!

***audible shocked gasps and sobs erupt in the classroom***

I know, children. Back then, if the president acted outside the rules written on some old parchment by those old, dead, white racist crackers, he could be impeached!

***looks of confusion from the stoned 6th grade seniors***

That means the president wouldn't be able to golf every day.

***audible shocked gasps and sobs erupt in the classroom***

Settle down children. President Obama changed all that. In fact, we can skip the other two branches of government, because they both now work in concert together and do what the Democrat President says. It's much simpler this way children. No push back. No opposition. No gridlock. And if someone gets it in his or her head to go rogue against the State?... Don't worry. The media would report them, and let's just say that 3-strand rope we talked about would take care of the problem. 

Those little rugrats grow up so fast to join the swelling ranks of the rest of the millions of Americans on disability, social security, unemployment compensation and food stamps!

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Wednesday Pop Quiz

Schizophrenic locked up after beheading London woman

A 25-year-old six-foot-tall cage fighter beheaded an 82-year-old woman with a machete during a 45-minute rampage through London back gardens was on Tuesday found not guilty of murder (because):

A) The elderly woman was wearing a shawl with the confederate flag emblem.

B) He was making change for a $140 item on e-bay after receiving payment with a newly minted 'Islamic Dinar' coin worth $139.  Have a penny, take a penny?

C) He believed in strict gun control laws.

D) He believed she was Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

E) In "Progressive World," these could all be equally true.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Hey! You got N-Words in my Crackers!

Barack Obama uses N-word in garage podcast interview to prove he is not cured of racism (or lack of presidential judgement)

BIDEN RESPONDS: Blue-eyed devil crackers upset at my boy, O, for using the "N" word and keepin' it real? Sheeeee-yut!
A passerby offers the Vice President help. Excuse me sir, but are you mentally ill? May I secure medical assistance for you?
Did u miss this interview?

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

DAILY IGNUNCE

*Cue Theme song* (Think horns, drum rolls, out-of-tune string pieces and other various non-complimentary musical instruments played by deaf people for the first time.)
*start fog machine*


Liiive!... from the Chattering Teeth Studios, it's time to play, What's My Trans?
It's your favorite blog feature game show where you, the audience, are the panelists tasked with matching the correct quote with the transracial and/or transgender contestant. I'm your host, Jerry DaBlade!

Now, let's meet our contestants.

A) First up in the post position, the Montana-born lilly white gal with the horse face, spray-on tan and "finger in the light socket" hair meet Rachel Dolezal. Like our current President, Rachel misrepresented herself as a black civil rights activist, but is now well known to be a fraud.

B) Up next, meet the hideously ugly, middle-aged white chick name Caitlyn Jenner who was born a white male. Like our First Lady, I believe Caitlyn is still biologically a male, but at least Caitlyn has the common courtesy "to tuck," but that's none of my business.

C) Next, we have Robert Matthew Van Winkle, better known by his stage name, Vanilla Ice. He gained fame performing rap music with songs that repeatedly have the word "Yo" in them, and has  been called "the first #transblack man". He manages to stay in the public eye with a home improvement TV show and the occasional petty larceny.

D) Last, we have Chuck Knipp. Chuck is a gay, white male comedian best known for his most popular radio show character, a black, straight female welfare queen, Shirley Q. Liquor.

Let's begin. Hands on your buzzers... not you, Caitlyn. I was talking to the Chattering Teeth blog studio audience. Besides, that's not "your buzzer."

Circle the correct answer on your screen whem prompted:
A. Rachel Dolezal  B. Caitlyn Jenner C. Vanilla Ice  D. Shirley Q Liquor 

DaBlade: Who said,

1) "Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know, Turn off the lights and I'll glow." "Dance, go rush the speaker that booms, I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom" "If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it, Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"

2) "Actually, I don’t like the term African-American; I prefer black. So, if asked, I would say, yes, I consider myself to be black." "We’re all from the African continent." (Are you African American?) “I don’t understand the question"

3) "I wish I were kind of normal. It would be so much more simple...The uncomfortableness of being me never leaves all day long. I'm not [transitioning] to be interesting. I'm doing this to live."

4) "Girl, I've been puttin' Budweiser cans on a string for more years then you've been in this world and I better not hear no more about it." "Who is my Baby Daddy?" "If I was a white lady i would sit around and lounge around and watch the price is right all day long I'd sit up on the phone and order stupid stuff from QVC."


If you guessed "A. Rachel Dolezal" for all four random quotes, you are not correct, but I can see why you would think that. In fact, it was that crazy white chick with the horse face that successfully passed herself off as black who made me think of Shirley Q Liquor.

What? Some of you have never heard of Shirley Q? Her 'Kwanzaa Memories' CD has been a Christmas tradition in our family for the last 20 or so years. I'm being serious. All 3 of my boys know every track by heart, and I gifted this CD to my brothers and sister and their families many years ago. Shirley quotes randomly pop up at family gatherings throughout the year ('you ignunt!'). Every Christmas season, we try and do a road trip to cut our own tree, and this is usually when I bust this CD out.


Like I said, Rachel Dolezal made me think of Shirley Q. With Rachel's resignation as an NAACP Leader yesterday, there is now a vacuum of leadership in this racist organization. Who better to fill this void than a gay, white male who passes himself off as a straight, black welfare queen with '19 childrens'? There is one stip. Kipp has to fully transform by stating Shirley is really who he is, and it is not a comedy act. Then it's not only 'OK', but something to be celebrated. Confusing, right?



Times change. It was just 2007 when "A national campaign to retire white gay comedian Charles Knipp’s character Shirley Q. Liquor, a self described inarticulate Black woman on welfare with 19 kids, has been kicked off by activists after the success in canceling a scheduled performance in Los Angeles during Black History Month."


Apparently, his Shirley Q act was/is considered racist, though Kipp has a closet full of characters he performs and even lampoons his many white characters. But because he is white, he is not allowed to satirize a black character. Not once does Mr. Kipp make the claim that Shirley represents ALL black women, but we are not allowed to believe even one obamaphone lady exists, because somehow that perpetuates a stereotype. Seems weird, for its the socialist, progressive welfare state that breeds these types of societal parasites of all colors. However, it is OK for the Wayan brothers to do the double trans White Chicks, and nobody raises an eyebrow because they are black. Oh, and it is never acceptable to insult the mooozlim 'prophet'.



Got all that?



Jerry Seinfeld (and others) have stated they will not do their comedy at colleges because kids have been so PC indoctrinated that they humorless kids do not allow satire of any sort.

Now that our society and culture have been completely "transformed" where up is down and the perverse is the norm, Shirley Q Liquor is the perfect transracial AND transgender NAACP leader candidate!



Or maybe that's just ignunt.

Shirley Q. Liquor - Gas Problem in Church