Friday, July 3, 2015

Everyday Heroes Profile

Today, we here at the spacious Chattering Teeth Blog Studios salute CDC Logistics Management Specialist George Roark. Roark was "Born to Lead" and according to that linked bio...

"is exactly the kind of person you’d want during an emergency response."

When cholera erupted on the streets of Haiti, eventually killing 5,000 and sickening 300,000 people, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control took action. Emergency Management Specialist George Roark, who received a master's degree in health care administration from Trinity in 1996, was deployed to the scene from his Georgia office to investigate the cause of the disease, which ran rampant when thousands of homeless Haitians crowded the streets.

Roark is also a family man, and in his "free time"  he runs "an annual hunt for medically fragile children and injured soldiers at his family ranch called Daggerhorn in Alabama."

"We hunt deer, but really it's just a tremendous growth experience for the kids and vets. We treat everybody the same and give them the full experience of hunting and being in control. We never have to ask for volunteers. There are always a huge number of people who just show up to help."

My guess is that his impressive career may be coming to an abrupt end after speaking the truth and calling out obama as “the worst pres we have ever had,” an “amateur” and “Marxist”.

Roark is voicing his displeasure due to the tsunami of illegal minors swamping our borders and bringing with them swine flu, dengue fever, Ebola and tuberculosis.... oops, my bad! I see we are now supposed to call these disease-carrying illegals "Unaccompanied Alien Children" (UAC).

Thank you for your dedication Mr. Roark. America needs more courageous men like yourself standing up and speaking truth, no matter the cost.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

NEW Circle Twerk, from RumpCo!

VOICEOVER ANNOUNCER GUY: Are you tired of those intolerant and homophobic Christians on your FaceBook feed who cling to their deeply held religious convictions by so far refusing to "celebrate pride" by overlaying their profile pictures with the rainbow filter tool? Well now you can do something about it!

New! From RumpCo! Introducing the Circle Twerk!
It's retro 1950s technology consisting of a revolving color wheel and cellophane color inserts. Originally used to convert black and white TVs to color,

but now you can...
by force those pesky homophobic CHRISTIAN friends...

Just set the Circle Twerk wheel in front of your laptop, iPad, cellphone or other viewing device, and give that circle a twerk! INSTANT PRIDE!

JOHNNY: But announcer guy, there are only red, blue, green, and yellow cellophane inserts. The rainbow flag also includes orange and purple!

ANNOUNCER GUY: Just spin the Circle Twerk faster, Johnny. I have a warehouse full of these things, so I don't know what else to tell ya!



ANNOUNCER GUY: Don't worry, Johhny! Grampa is just proudly displaying to the world and the 2% who are actually gay, his support of buggery and sodomy! The Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 declaring that same-sex marriage is a right, therefore the 75% who identify as Christian will just need to change their beliefs. Right Mr. President?

Whoops! Don't look now grampa, but I think Johnny dropped the remote control again!

COMING SOON! The Circle Twerk bicycle helmet mount!

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Obamerican History and the gnarled, intertwining branches of government

6th GRADE TEACHER (in the not too distant future): Good morning my young lesbians, gays, bi-sexuals and transgendereds!... oh, and you too boys and girls? Please stop talking and/or fornicating with your neighbor, roll up your prayer rugs, extinguish all non-medical marijuanna - and please put your condoms, dirty needles and any recently aborted fetuses under your desks.

Today's godless common core socialist progressive state-controlled lesson plan explores the three branches of our federal government. We will not be wasting time learning about some dead racist white crackers who wore powdered wigs in the late 1700s, and how they intended separation of powers to work. I mean really children, that is so racist, and sooooo yesterday!

Think of today's three branches of government as a braided rope. Three separate strands twisted and working together, and becoming stronger as a unit than they are on their own and working against the State. 

It's called tinsel strength children, but you can call it whatever you want on the next quiz for an "A"!

The first and most important branch is the Executive branch, which is the president. Before 2008, the president held no power over the other two branches, and sometimes the president would have to compromise with the mean old Republicans or they would threaten to shut down the government!

***audible shocked gasps and sobs erupt in the classroom***

I know, children. Back then, if the president acted outside the rules written on some old parchment by those old, dead, white racist crackers, he could be impeached!

***looks of confusion from the stoned 6th grade seniors***

That means the president wouldn't be able to golf every day.

***audible shocked gasps and sobs erupt in the classroom***

Settle down children. President Obama changed all that. In fact, we can skip the other two branches of government, because they both now work in concert together and do what the Democrat President says. It's much simpler this way children. No push back. No opposition. No gridlock. And if someone gets it in his or her head to go rogue against the State?... Don't worry. The media would report them, and let's just say that 3-strand rope we talked about would take care of the problem. 

Those little rugrats grow up so fast to join the swelling ranks of the rest of the millions of Americans on disability, social security, unemployment compensation and food stamps!

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Wednesday Pop Quiz

Schizophrenic locked up after beheading London woman

A 25-year-old six-foot-tall cage fighter beheaded an 82-year-old woman with a machete during a 45-minute rampage through London back gardens was on Tuesday found not guilty of murder (because):

A) The elderly woman was wearing a shawl with the confederate flag emblem.

B) He was making change for a $140 item on e-bay after receiving payment with a newly minted 'Islamic Dinar' coin worth $139.  Have a penny, take a penny?

C) He believed in strict gun control laws.

D) He believed she was Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

E) In "Progressive World," these could all be equally true.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Hey! You got N-Words in my Crackers!

Barack Obama uses N-word in garage podcast interview to prove he is not cured of racism (or lack of presidential judgement)

BIDEN RESPONDS: Blue-eyed devil crackers upset at my boy, O, for using the "N" word and keepin' it real? Sheeeee-yut!
A passerby offers the Vice President help. Excuse me sir, but are you mentally ill? May I secure medical assistance for you?
Did u miss this interview?

Tuesday, June 16, 2015


*Cue Theme song* (Think horns, drum rolls, out-of-tune string pieces and other various non-complimentary musical instruments played by deaf people for the first time.)
*start fog machine*

Liiive!... from the Chattering Teeth Studios, it's time to play, What's My Trans?
It's your favorite blog feature game show where you, the audience, are the panelists tasked with matching the correct quote with the transracial and/or transgender contestant. I'm your host, Jerry DaBlade!

Now, let's meet our contestants.

A) First up in the post position, the Montana-born lilly white gal with the horse face, spray-on tan and "finger in the light socket" hair meet Rachel Dolezal. Like our current President, Rachel misrepresented herself as a black civil rights activist, but is now well known to be a fraud.

B) Up next, meet the hideously ugly, middle-aged white chick name Caitlyn Jenner who was born a white male. Like our First Lady, I believe Caitlyn is still biologically a male, but at least Caitlyn has the common courtesy "to tuck," but that's none of my business.

C) Next, we have Robert Matthew Van Winkle, better known by his stage name, Vanilla Ice. He gained fame performing rap music with songs that repeatedly have the word "Yo" in them, and has  been called "the first #transblack man". He manages to stay in the public eye with a home improvement TV show and the occasional petty larceny.

D) Last, we have Chuck Knipp. Chuck is a gay, white male comedian best known for his most popular radio show character, a black, straight female welfare queen, Shirley Q. Liquor.

Let's begin. Hands on your buzzers... not you, Caitlyn. I was talking to the Chattering Teeth blog studio audience. Besides, that's not "your buzzer."

Circle the correct answer on your screen whem prompted:
A. Rachel Dolezal  B. Caitlyn Jenner C. Vanilla Ice  D. Shirley Q Liquor 

DaBlade: Who said,

1) "Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know, Turn off the lights and I'll glow." "Dance, go rush the speaker that booms, I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom" "If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it, Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"

2) "Actually, I don’t like the term African-American; I prefer black. So, if asked, I would say, yes, I consider myself to be black." "We’re all from the African continent." (Are you African American?) “I don’t understand the question"

3) "I wish I were kind of normal. It would be so much more simple...The uncomfortableness of being me never leaves all day long. I'm not [transitioning] to be interesting. I'm doing this to live."

4) "Girl, I've been puttin' Budweiser cans on a string for more years then you've been in this world and I better not hear no more about it." "Who is my Baby Daddy?" "If I was a white lady i would sit around and lounge around and watch the price is right all day long I'd sit up on the phone and order stupid stuff from QVC."

If you guessed "A. Rachel Dolezal" for all four random quotes, you are not correct, but I can see why you would think that. In fact, it was that crazy white chick with the horse face that successfully passed herself off as black who made me think of Shirley Q Liquor.

What? Some of you have never heard of Shirley Q? Her 'Kwanzaa Memories' CD has been a Christmas tradition in our family for the last 20 or so years. I'm being serious. All 3 of my boys know every track by heart, and I gifted this CD to my brothers and sister and their families many years ago. Shirley quotes randomly pop up at family gatherings throughout the year ('you ignunt!'). Every Christmas season, we try and do a road trip to cut our own tree, and this is usually when I bust this CD out.

Like I said, Rachel Dolezal made me think of Shirley Q. With Rachel's resignation as an NAACP Leader yesterday, there is now a vacuum of leadership in this racist organization. Who better to fill this void than a gay, white male who passes himself off as a straight, black welfare queen with '19 childrens'? There is one stip. Kipp has to fully transform by stating Shirley is really who he is, and it is not a comedy act. Then it's not only 'OK', but something to be celebrated. Confusing, right?

Times change. It was just 2007 when "A national campaign to retire white gay comedian Charles Knipp’s character Shirley Q. Liquor, a self described inarticulate Black woman on welfare with 19 kids, has been kicked off by activists after the success in canceling a scheduled performance in Los Angeles during Black History Month."

Apparently, his Shirley Q act was/is considered racist, though Kipp has a closet full of characters he performs and even lampoons his many white characters. But because he is white, he is not allowed to satirize a black character. Not once does Mr. Kipp make the claim that Shirley represents ALL black women, but we are not allowed to believe even one obamaphone lady exists, because somehow that perpetuates a stereotype. Seems weird, for its the socialist, progressive welfare state that breeds these types of societal parasites of all colors. However, it is OK for the Wayan brothers to do the double trans White Chicks, and nobody raises an eyebrow because they are black. Oh, and it is never acceptable to insult the mooozlim 'prophet'.

Got all that?

Jerry Seinfeld (and others) have stated they will not do their comedy at colleges because kids have been so PC indoctrinated that they humorless kids do not allow satire of any sort.

Now that our society and culture have been completely "transformed" where up is down and the perverse is the norm, Shirley Q Liquor is the perfect transracial AND transgender NAACP leader candidate!

Or maybe that's just ignunt.

Shirley Q. Liquor - Gas Problem in Church

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Zeke's Fetch Fetish

This is our 9-month-old White Shepherd, Zeke.
Zeke is crouching by the back slider with his orange ball at his feet, doing his best to look pathetic and garner sympathy in the hopes that someone will find it in their heart to throw the ball so he can be a good boy and go get it and bring it back so one of us can pick it up and throw it in the yard so he can be a good boy and go get it and bring it back so one of us can pick it up and throw it so he can be a good boy and go get it...

ok, I'm guessing you get the picture. Zeke has a fetch fetish and the only prescription is more cow bell. And by 'cow bell', I mean 'pick it up and throw it so Zeke can be a good boy and go get it and bring it back so we can throw it again ad naseum, rinse and repeat'.

My arm hurts.

Zeke is very persistent with the crouch by the door. Why am I reminded of that Sarah McLachlan commercial? The one with the sad, abused, beaten and neglected dogs peering from the confines of their cage, while that Angel soundtrack tugs at your heart strings and McLachlan tugs at your purse strings.

Hi, I’m Sarah McLachlan, will you be an angel for a helpless animal? Every day, his owners refuse to throw the ball in the yard for more than a few hundred times per hour, when all he wants is just one more throw so he can be a good boy and go get it and bring it back, so these neglectful owners can pick it up and throw it just ONE MORE TIME! Call now. For just sixteen dollars a month, (only 60 cents a day,) this good boy will get that one more throw he so much deserves... Your call says ‘I’m here to help.’ Please call right now.”

in the arms of the angel
fly away from here ball
from this cold dark doorstep
and the lost ball that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


Full disclosure. I do a little freelance over at INSANITY. Probably NOT a huge surprise to regular Chattering Teeth News readers, as they would be considered "under suspicion" themselves. Here's a sneak preview of this month's feature!


Full disclosure, part two. I should state here that Miss Sawyer was not exactly a 100% willing participant in this interview, as she was tied to a chair and forced to question a dried husk mummy corpse in a rocking chair, while Norman answered for his "mother" while sharpening a kitchen knife. I LOVE a good ventriloquist.

MOTHER: I’ve been thinking about this day forever. How do I tell my story?... Grab some tissue... and maybe a tourniquet for later.

SAWYER: So "mother" is...

MOTHER: Mother is sad. It's sad, when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man... as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds.

SAWYER: And Norman is...

MOTHER: Everybody has stuff in their life that they have to deal with you know? He is a psychopath stuck in his dead mother's clothing, but aside from that, he is a very good motel manager.

NORMAN: I’m me. I’m a person and this is who I am. I’m not stuck in my dead mother's dress. It’s just who I am as a psychopathic serial killer. My brain is much more rotting female corpse than it is male hotel manager. It’s hard for people to understand that. But that’s what my soul is.

NORMAN: I look at it this way. Norman always telling a lie. He’s lived a lie his whole life about who he is. And I can’t do that any longer. Should I take my collection of scalped ponytails on a rope out? Yeah, why not? We’re talking about all this stuff. Yeah, let’s take the damn collection of scalped ponytails on a rope out.

SAWYER: *lip quivering* C- c- can I g.g.g.go home now?

MOTHER: They know I can't move a finger, and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do... suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly..."

Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Gypsy Newsstand Vendor

A passerby stops by a street vendor manning a "newsstand". The palaver of verbal confabulation was as follows:

Passerby: Excuse me good sir, but I have the impulse to purchase one of your fine products on display here.

Vendor: I already knew that, for I am a Gypsy fortune telling street vendor. Do not tell me what it is you want to purchase, LET ME GUESS! Give me 5 observations about the product you crave. If you stump me, you may have it for free. However, if I guess correctly, you must purchase your item PLUS one additional product on display here of my choosing. Do we have a deal my good man?

Passerby: Sure! You have about a hundred items here so I like the odds.

Vendor: Then please present your clues.

Passerby: OK. Here we go...
1) The product I desire is chock full of unique content I can't get anywhere else.
2) Some folks get this product every day, while others just get one on the weekends.
3) I know that when I spend time with this product, I feel smarter.
4) This product comes in sections. Some folks like to start at the front section and work their way to the back, while others are in the habit of starting with one of the inside sections. You can enjoy this on the subway ride, and tuck unfinished sections under your arm to finish later.
5) It is a popular answer to the riddle, "What is black and white and red all over?"

Vendor: Too easy my son. (The gypsy vendor holds up his guess) Is THIS the product you describe?

Passerby: Yes, you guessed it.

Vendor: And per our wager, you must also purchase one of my wares of my choosing. Of course, I am going to make you buy a product that is over-priced; has unhealthy content; is manufactured by young and inexperienced slave labor; and a product I can't give away without my mad gypsy skills. Enjoy!

The above transaction did not actually occur, and is just a blog re-enactment of what came to my fertile mind after reading this article from Business Insider (and having spent many years in the newspaper business).
Washington (AFP) - The news remains mostly bleak for the American newspaper industry, struggling over the past decade to adapt to the new digital landscape.

The sale of the San Diego Union-Tribune in early May for $85 million underscored the horrific slump in the value of "old media" companies in recent years... the newspaper was believed to be worth as much as $1 billion as late as 2004.

Blah, blah, blah, then this:
"Every newspaper chain talks about getting digital faster. The plain truth is that despite almost two decades of effort, most aren't close to where they need to be," says Ken Doctor, an industry analyst who writes the Newsonomics blog and is a consultant for the research firm Outsell.
Soon, said Doctor, newspapers will have few options aside from cutting the frequency of the print edition, as several dailies have done, to save expenses.

All I can say is, Gimmee a break! I'd rather break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Obama's bizarre Memorial Day climate change speech at Arlington National Cemetery

President Obama will travel to Arlington National Cemetery today for the laying of the wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Presidential visits on Memorial Day are somewhat of a tradition, as it is a solemn day of remembrance for those who have died serving in the American armed forces.

But what makes this year's traditional presidential visit unusual is obama's executive order for the body of this soldier to be exhumed and seated in the first row for the president's remarks on climate change.

Earlier this week, the president hijacked the occasion for his commencement speech to the U.S. Coast Guard Academy to insult and degrade these fine graduates by pushing his climate change agenda, so why not also ruin the wreath laying ceremony?

Chattering Teeth News has secreted out an advanced copy of the speech (complete with side notes) and is providing this exciting exclusive excerpt below!!!

2015 MEMORIAL DAY SPEECH TRANSCRIPT ROUGH DRAFT: (as written by the president's hand on a dirty golf towel)

NOTE - Standing at podium... Wait for the corpse man (sic) to be secured to the front row seat using wreath over his head to anchor him to chair if necessary. Once secured, give the corpse man a weak, limp-wristed salute (be careful not to spill my Latte Grande!)

Thank you. Please be seated. Thank you very much. Good morning, everybody.

Happy Memorial Day. I hope y'all remember what this day is really all about and that you enjoy your BBQs and ice cream cones as much as Michelle and I plan to.

As I look out at the blank and empty stares of the press in attendance amongst the sea of empty seats, I can't help but that my gaze is drawn to the liveliest one here. That of the body of the unknown soldier in the front row. I have just one question for the body of this soldier...

Knowing what we know now, would you have invaded Germany in WWI?

It's a fair question. Take your time. (look at wrist watch) Times up. The answer is, WWI was fueled by instability caused by severe drought and crop losses connected to rising temperatures caused from the industrial revolution. Well I say NO MORE BLOOD FOR OIL... and softer uniforms for all the branches!

Let me be clear. Climate change constitutes a serious threat to global security, an immediate risk to our national security, and, make no mistake, it will even impact our military corpse men and corpse woman (sic). And so we need to act — and we need to act now."

Many of our military graves are on the coast. Oh sure, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier stands atop a hill overlooking Washington, D.C., presumably safe from high tides and storms, but not all of the buried soldiers have been winners of death's lottery. You didn't build that grave, sir! So stand with me. Stand up Chuck!


U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry (in his softer uniform) includes 'a dreadful Crème Brûlée' when ranking Global threats

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Harbaugh to fumigate and rid campus of cockroaches?

Football coach Jim Harbaugh took to twitter to endorse 'American Sniper' after U-M cancels the showing of the movie on campus.

Hours later the university flip-flopped and went ahead with the showing (such is the power of Harbaugh. Reviving the school's football program, beating back muzlim izlamofascists and helping stranded motorists in a single bound)

Now I see Harbaugh plans to meet with students (muzlim izlamofascists and progressive twits) upset by tweet of American pride.

The Wednesday meeting, requested by students, is expected to be a private affair with "Middle Eastern, North African, Muslim and South Asian student groups," according to the report. While the report originally said Harbaugh would apologize, other sources in the story say the coach is expected to simply hear out the concerned students.

My guess is that he goes Chuck Norris on them, or at the very least, puts them all in a headlock and gives them noogies.

Monday, May 18, 2015

My trip to the crawl space

But first, happier times (yesterday) when my house (and Zeke, our 8-month-old German Shepard) enjoyed the wonders of running water.

Fast forward. Monday morning. No water comes from any of the house faucets, regardless of the amount of torque I apply to the faucet handles. The water fairies are apparently immune to my verbal threats and do not as of yet appear to be intimidated.

Oh sure, I've tried all of the advanced plumbing trouble-shooting techniques accumulated over the years. First, I opened the breaker box to ensure the well pump circuit breaker fuse thingy wasn't thrown. It wasn't. I flipped it off, then back on again in hopes that somehow this action would create a tsunami power surge that would magically re-electrify my water distribution system. I may have already lost a good number of readers due to my use of very technical plumbing and electrificity jargon. If so, I apologize and will attempt to talk down to you, my beloved blog audience.

Let's recap. So far my advanced strategery has not elicited the desired results. I was not ready to throw in the dry towel just yet and still had a trick up my sleeve.

Using every ounce of plumbing knowledge I possess after several years of study and finally achieving a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration back in the mid 80s, I gained access to the crawl space after removing the painted plywood panel located behind the water softener in the lower level mechanical slash laundry room. I had been in there before, and remembered from those earlier visits the existance of copper pipes that distributes water throughout the house originating from the far corner of said crawl. My journey found me there, staring at something called a well pressure tank. I looked at it for several minutes - and after satisfying myself that nobody had stolen it - slowly backed out of the crawl space on hands and knees.

For some reason, this whole process reminded me of my old hillbillyish neighborhood where my wife and I lived when we were first married. Our first home was a 720 square foot '48529' classic, and half of that generous square footage was dedicated to the back entrance mud room. But I digress.

Long story short, I remember a summer day in the 90s when my mid-80s Buick Skylark wouldn't start, regardless of the amount of torque I applied to the key. The car was parked in front of my house (I would have said at the curb, but this street didn't have curbs). I remember it being a Saturday, so at least I wouldn't be late for work.

I went back inside the house, came out with a beer, popped the hood of the Skylark and popped the ring top of the Bud. Applying every ounce of auto mechanical knowledge I possessed, after several years of study and finally achieving a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration back in the mid 80s, I took a swig and determined after several minutes af staring that in fact nobody had stolen my car engine.

But then something magical happened. Several neighbors began pouring out of their homes and made their way over to my rusted hulk. I swear they heard the sound of a beer opening, dropped what they were doing and made a beeline to the sound.

There was my next door neighbor, Lonnie, a good ol' boy long retired from General motors, and who spoke with a thick southern drawl. He had a detached one-car garage I could see from our back kitchen window that (no sh*#) leaned at about a 45% angle. Every time a storm would brew, I was sure the thing would collapse, but it never did. It was one of the most amazing structural oddities I have ever seen.

Joining us was Randy, a few years my junior, who raced stock cars and was forever tinkering with them in his garage directly across the street and about 100 total feet from my living room t.v. 

Rounding out my little Skylark party was Tom, who lived the other side of me, opposite Lonnie and his wife. I can't remember what Tom did for a living, but I remember him being as mechanically inclined as I was, and seemed to have the engine stare down pat.

So I made another trip to the 'fridge and passed out soldiers to all my neighbors. Tom continued to stare at my open hood. Lonnie drawled on about a similar problem he had with a vee-hickle several decades earlier, and Randy's hands were a blur, as he got to MacGyvering on my bad boy. 10 minutes later, the car started. I really miss those neighbors. Some really good dudes.

So fast forward back to the hear and now. After a quick trip to the fridge, I return to the crawl space and shimmy my way to the pressure tank. It's still there. I opened my beer I brought with me and waited. And waited.

Hey, it was worth a shot. Guess I'll call a plumber.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Political Nursery Rhyme Friday

Finally. some clarification from the Jebster.

Let me be clear:

“If we’re all supposed to answer hypotheticals, and knowing then what I know now... or is it "knowing what I didn't know then, now??"... Read my lips. I would not have gone into that interview with that Megyn Kelly chick.”
Certainly, mistakes were made in that interview. There was no reason to go to there, given my faulty intelligence. You know who else would agree with that statement? Hillary Clinton.

We interrupt this blog to bring you this very important Nursery Rhyme.

A Tutor Who Tooted

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it tougher to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Jebster, DROP THE CHEESE and step away from the flute...

I'm thinking aboput covering the upcoming political season via nursery rhymes. Here's another that comes to mind.

A Big Fat Potato [Chris Christie]

A big, fat potato lay down on a clod
In the shade of some burdock and tall goldenrod,
And he dreamed he were king of the whole garden plot,
With a palace and throne, and a crown with a lot
Of jewels and diamonds and gold till it shone
Like the front of a show when the lights are turned on.

He had to be minded by all of the plants;
When he whistled the radishes knew they must dance;
When he tooted his horn the cucumbers must sing
To a vegetable crowd gathered round in a ring.
He made all the cabbages stand in a row
While a sunflower instructed them just how to grow;

The bright yellow pumpkins he painted light blue;
Took the clothes off the scare-crow and made him buy new.
He strutted and sputtered and thought it was grand
To be king and commander o'er all the wide land.
But at last he woke up with an awful surprise
And found a blind mole kicking sand in his eyes.

Monday, May 11, 2015

They Can't All Be Gems (Part 1,103)

From FOXNEWS: The kings of both Saudi Arabia and Bahrain will not attend this week's summit of Gulf nation leaders hosted by President Barack Obama at Camp David.

Rumor has it they will be playing golf with Tom Brady.

See what I did there? Gulf kings to snub obama by playing (wait for it)... golf?... with the Patriot's quarterback who is on the verge of an NFL league suspension for snubbing obama by not attending the team's White House visit as Super Bowl Champions?  Get it!?


They can't all be gems.

What has these rich desert monarch's skull diapers in a knot? Try Obama's appeasement and surrender to a nuclear Iran, leaving them free and clear to continue to run roughshod in the region.

Sounds like a good start to a joke. Just need to come up with a serviceable punchline. Here is what I have so far...

King Salman (the Saudi leader not the tasty fish) and Tom Brady walk into the golf clubhouse and up to the bartender after their grueling golf round.

"Whaddya'hav?," mumbled the barkeep. "And where is that other fella you started out with?"

"I would velly much to like a glass of cold water," said the parched King Salman.

"Hamad ibn Isa Al Khalifa on the rocks," said Brady.

"Hey, look, Mister, we serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast. And we don't need any characters around to give the joint atmosphere. Is that clear?," said the bartender.

"I was answering your second question regarding our playing partner. We left him on the rocks by the creek spawning at the number 12 hole," said Brady. As for the hard drink, please serve me a Shirley Temple with a miniature umbrella sir."

Well, that's it so far. What do you think? Be honest. No nervous, polite and uncomfortable fake laughter. I can take it. Was that funny?


They can't all be gems. Maybe Brady walks into the bar with Hamad ibn Isa Al Khalifa and leaves King Salmon spawning on the rocks? Nah, too obvious. King Salman walks into the bar... why the reddish-pink face? I'll keep working on it.

By the way, did anyone recognize the bartender? 100 fake bit coins to the first correct guess.

Random thought, can obama order the IRS to target these gulf Kings? How about using his bully pulpit to incite racial animous, rioting and cop killing in the Arabian peninsula? No? I guess that just leaves use of his Drone fleet then. You don't tug on Superman's cape, spit in the wind or snub Slim.

BTW, If obama ever holds a summit for reclusive conservative bloggers with very little readership, I for one pledge not to attend due to a prior commitment. I will be the fourth in that Brady golf party.

Saturday, May 9, 2015


If you're like me, you like to start your Saturday by giving a friendly kiss to the live poisonous water moccasin you keep in your pillowcase, slip into your onsie unitard and surf the news on the internet while sipping hot cocoa.

The good news is, sometimes you manage to kiss the snake. The bad news is, sometimes the snake kisses you.
ANNOUNCER GUY:  Liiiive... from the Chattering Teeth Studios, in beautiful Mundy Township - it's time to play, A "BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS" WEEK IN REVIEW!!!
Cue Theme song (Think "horns" and "drum rolls" and other various non-complimentary musical instruments played by deaf people for the first time - or your favorite Jazz song - BaBum DaDaa!)
start fog machine?

...It's your favorite blog feature game show where I first link a "BAD NEWS" current event, then comment with the "GOOD NEWS" spin from my fertile mind that will quite literally change your world! Immediately. Seriously. Literally, as in symbolically in my own mind. So lets meet this week's contestants!
North Korea says it test-fired a 'world-level strategic weapon'
North Korea announced Saturday the successful test-firing of a submarine-based ballistic missile -- a technology that would offer the nuclear-armed state a survivable second-strike nuclear capability.

It has the accuracy of a Dennis Rodman free throw.

Tom Brady will be suspended by Roger Goodell for role in DeflateGate,
This story is apparently very popular, and really what the media (and therefore, the 'State') wants you to focus on, because what could be more important to the future of this nation than the pounds of pressure in a football?
The snarky and rude Jim Gray (see 5:37; 8:16 of the video at linked article) gave away the real reason why the media elites are demanding Tom Brady's head, and it has nothing to do with deflated footballs, or even football at all.

"How was that trip to the White House?" (10:38)

The profession of media elites draws a fair amount of @$$h0les, but is there a bigger one than Gray? He might as well have said, "The future of NFL quarterbacks must not belong to those who insult obama."

 and lastly,
#3 - THE BAD NEWS?  
Jade Helm Is For The American People (and the domestic takeover)

Jade Helm is a planned eight-week military training exercise within our borders in preparation for Michelle Law (formerly known as "Martial Law", but that sounds too harsh).

This commenter (retrobit) says it all: "With China building it's Navy and other military forces to unprecedented levels, Russian adventurism, an administration about to hand over leading state sponsor of terror, Iran, the capability to arm itself with nuclear weapons amid chants of "death to America", with huge cuts in military spending, the mission of our forces is to fight within the cities and towns of the USA? This is what the remnants of our once great military is training for?  And nobody except paranoid loons sees anything out of the ordinary?  Are you kidding me?"
Here is your Jade Helm command structure.

 Keep your powder dry my friends.