Wednesday, January 18, 2017

OBAMA RELEASES CHELSEA MANNING - BOTH TO APPEAR ON LOVE BOAT REBOOT

Chattering Teeth News - In what seems to be a parting shot to conservatives, President Barack Obama on Tuesday granted clemency to iconic entertainer Carol Channing just 2 weeks shy of her 96th birthday. Channing is an actress, singer, dancer and comedian extraordinaire with a distinctively exuberant voice who has appeared on Broadway and numerous films.

She is perhaps best known for her starring role in Hello, Dolly!, but has also been called "a gay man’s fantasy figure" and drag queen hero.

This blog has no idea why Germans Love David Hasselhoff, or why Jerry Lewis was so popular in France, but I can take a wild guess as to why the drag queens love Carol Channing - she is a relatively easy woman for a man to imitate. This is probably the reason why Barrack Obama decided to shorten her prison sentence. I imagine Obama donning a wig and standing in front of one of his countless house mirrors while doing an imitation of Carol.

When Channing was asked if she believed if her drag impersonators get it right, she responded, "Every time I see someone impersonate me, I can't help but think I must have a hormonal imbalance. Johnny Depp has said he wants to play me in a movie. Wouldn't that be great? People say, 'But he is a man,' but it doesn't surprise me at all. I can’t remember the last time one of my impersonators didn't have a 5 o'clock shadow."

Obama's love of the drag queens is no secret (He is allegedly married to one). However, this blog has absolutely no idea that this 95-year-old actress was in a high security prison - or what she possibly could have done to land there. I suspect her performances on The Love Boat in the 80s may have finally caught up with her, and...

[covers blog's ears]
***whisper*** ***whisper*** ***whisper***


I am now getting a report that President Obama did not shorten the prison sentence of CAROL CHANNING, but rather some fella named CHELSEA MANNING.

This is embarrassing... This blog has no idea who Chelsea Manning, is, or what team he plays quarterback, but this new information may call into question this post's main assertion that Obama has an affinity for the drag queens, and...

[covers blog's ears]
***whisper*** ***whisper*** ***whisper***


My pet squirrel and blog producer has just shown me a bio and photo of this Chelsea Manning fella. [reading] Blah, blah, blah, and "Chelsea Manning's treachery put American lives at risk and exposed some of our nation's most sensitive secrets..."

Hmmm. A drag queen responsible for damaging our national security? Sounds like an obama wet dream. No blog correction required. Carry on.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Obama's Moving Day Hidden Picture Puzzle

Can you find them all???
Speaking of moving day, Obama found some help!
I meant George in Nairobi.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Oldies But Goodies Monday (Countdown = 4)

A look back at civil rights giant, John Lewis, doing what he does best... ZZzzzz

Remember when the WH gay chef opening topped the news cycle? There are a few more openings getting filled this week (and I'm not talking about Bill Clinton's interns)

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Crocheted Crotch Cat Caps - and other "C" words


In case there was any doubt that liberal women are certifiably nuts...

Pussyhat Project has hot pink yarn flying off Michigan shelves
The sudden popularity in this particular shade, yarn shop owners say, is due to the Pussyhat Project, a national effort to flood the nation's capital with women wearing pink, cat-ear hats at the Women's March on Washington on Jan. 21.

The project's goal is to make a visual statement on the first day of President-elect Donald Trump's administration to show that women stand united when it comes to protecting their rights, said the Pussyhat Project's cofounder, Jayna Zweiman.

"It's about the knitting, but it's also about so much more," Zweiman said, noting that hats can be hand knit, crocheted or sewn. They used the term "pussyhat" for the project as a play on words referencing the way Trump bragged about groping unsuspecting women.


Yes, because all liberal women and Hillary Clinton supporters care about is what Donald Trump SAID, not what sexual predator and accused rapist, Bill Clinton actually DID.

But I want to be sensitive to these liberal women's concerns, so I visited the official website to see how I could get involved. And found this?

www.pussyhatproject.com
We love the clever wordplay of “pussyhat” and “pussycat,” but yes, “pussy” is also a derogatory term for female genitalia. We chose this loaded word for our project because we want to reclaim the term as a means of empowerment. In this day and age, if we have pussies we are assigned the gender of “woman.” Women, whether transgender or cisgender, are mistreated in this society. In order to get fair treatment, the answer is not to take away our pussies, the answer is not to deny our femaleness and femininity, the answer is to demand fair treatment. A woman’s body is her own. We are honoring this truth and standing up for our rights.

Cisgender? I admit not knowing what this word meant so I looked it up. The definition said, "Not Obama".

OK, this convinced me to take you whackjobs ladies(?) seriously, so I took you up on your appeal to make you a hat for the march.
Pro tip, ladies. REAL women don't murder their babies. You want to march, then do it for an honorable cause. March For Life.

Here's your hat.




Friday, January 13, 2017

Is Disney Updating the Hall of Presidents With A Meryl Streep Bot Instead of A Trump Bot?

Official Magic Kingdom Update

The Hall of Presidents
The Hall of Presidents will be closed for refurbishment from January 17 through June 29, 2017. Please check back later for updates.


Unofficial reaction:
Wha!? Disney's presidential robot show is down until the end of June? After Trump won the election, Disney posted that the Presidents Hall of Fame would closed for refurbishments on January 17 through January 29, 2017. Why the 5 month extension? It just so happens that Chattering Teeth News has just received a super secret Russian dossier that seems to explain this sudden change of plans.

Apparently, the Imagineers had already spent 6 months constructing the Hillarybot in anticipation of her election. Day and night was spent in a labor of love by these progressve Imagineers in order to create the most realistic presidential bot to date. It's state-of-the-art animatronics programming called for sporadic and frequent coughing fits, as well as stage stumbles meant to pleasantly surprise the audience.

Trump's election changed their plans. However, despite reports to the contrary, they will not be adding a Trump-bot to take center stage. Instead, they will be constructing a Meryl Streep robot that they plan to unveil later this summer.

Unlike the real Meryl Streep, her animatronic counterpart will have actual acting ability - at least that is the Imagineer's hope. The Streep-bot will take advantage of the captive audience by spewing hateful anti-American and communist rhetoric (otherwise known as the democrat platform).

Can't wait.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Chattering Teeth 10-Day Forecast

BREAKING: Climate Change Front expected in 10 days!

Awwww. The poor Pamphleteer will soon be back out in the cold.

Monday, January 9, 2017

I apologize in advance for this highly offensive graphic

Hmmm. Grama Ruth's "greens" fried in bacon grease.
And everything my mom ever made for me.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Woman Worships Cardboard Cutout of Obama

It appears this Illinois woman can't bear to see President Obama leave office — so she's taking him with her wherever she goes. - (She) has become well-known on the streets of Chicago for carrying around a life-sized cardboard cutout of President Obama... "I take [him] with me whenever I can. He actually folds up so it's very travel friendly."


Yes. we've found that the actual obama folds at the waist rather easily in a full treasonous bow when in the presence of third-world dictators and despots.

How times have changed. I remember back when the cardboard cutout of obama lead in the Chattering Teeth polls.


BTW, guess who else loves his life size obama cardboard cutout? That's right! The narcissist-in-chief himself!
I only wish this cardboard cutout was more forthcoming on how it spent those lost 13 hours during the Benghazi attacks. Was he 'napping' too?

Enuff snarkasm. Back to the bimbo with the corrugated cardboard crony:
"I was raised by a single mother, and to me, Barack Obama meant that possibilities exist," (the woman) explained. "Things were possible, and dreams could really come true."


How'd that hopey changey treat ya, lady? As for being "raised by a single mother," I say God Bless her - but obama would have had her just kill you in the womb. 

"People get really excited about this Barack Obama cut out," she said, explaining that people often approach her, and tell her their own experiences relating to Obama's presidency. "He's gotten a lot of damage because people just want to hold him, and carry him, and hug him."

...Or throw him in the recycling bin, I imagine. Well, my friends, our version of BOXING DAY is almost here. If box cutters could be responsible for taking down the towers, they certainly can handle this cardboard obamanation.

And that's the memo.

IN OTHER NEWS - Finally, after several years of outcry regarding this long-running show that has left a bloody trail of victims, his time is coming to an end. The reign of this  half black, half white killer with the funny name is almost over.

Sale of Shamu's Cardboard Stand-Up for $34.99 are expected to be brisk. Get yours now for the short time he is still performing.

Wha? WhoDidJa think I meant?


Friday, January 6, 2017

Uncle Sam Bound & Tortured For Last 8 Years By Chicago Thug Almost Free

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Throughout the last 8 years, the victim has been held hostage, repeatedly kicked and hit, all while he is tied up with his mouth taped shut. He was only released temporarily for short times in order to make him drink toilet water and suffer other untold indignations. The perpetrator encouraged other despots, dictators and third-world thugs to kick and abuse our unfortunate victim.

"Well, no more," thought the victim, as he had almost cut through the ropes that bound him. He would be completely free again in 2 weeks, "then we'll see what's what..."

Who could be responsible for this unprovoked and repeated assault?
Uncle Sam the latest victim "Point-em-out, Knock-em-out"
I was walking home alone through the National Mall last evening in my black patent leather shoes, neatly pressed red and white striped trousers, navy-blue tailcoat with the lapels trimmed in red and white stripes, and feeling well at ease under my matching Ten-Gallon bucket hat banded in white stars. I was minding my own business and whistling the Spangled Banner, when I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end...

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Obama Poised To Take Credit For Smooth Transition Of Military

Whew!! Close one! That's all I have to say about that.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Obamas Offered "Cash For Keys" To Vacate White House Early

What is "Cash for Keys"?
If foreclosure is imminent, and you are considering a deed in lieu of foreclosure, some lenders are willing to offer “Cash for Keys,” whereby the lender will actually pay you to vacate the home in a timely fashion. The money you receive in exchange is intended to pay for your relocation costs.


No, no, no... The money paid to you IS NOT out of the goodness of the bank's heart and motivated by their desire to "aid your relocation costs." It is made as a ransom and contractual agreement that the occupant will accept consideration in exchange for leaving early and to NOT TRASH the home they would be losing anyway.

While the Obama's may not have a mortgage on the White House, they will never-the-less be losing this home and forced to vacate in less than 3 weeks. Should taxpayers fund the Cash for Keys program to kick the Obamas out a little early? What's another $Trillion stimulus associated with this administration? NAH! What are the odds that the Obamas will trash the White House?

AND NOW THIS!!!

Obama's to host one final bash at the White House on Friday
President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama will host a goodbye party for close friends and major donors Friday, according to a person with knowledge of the marquee affair. The Obamas themselves confirmed during an interview with People Magazine last month that they’d have one final bash at the White House. The president told a young fan that they’d have a “grown up” party before packing their bags.
"grown-up party?

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
At least Obama will finally be responsible for shovel-ready jobs.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Obama's Upcoming Farewell Speech - the most eagerly awaited speech of the last 8 years

Obama Plans Farewell Speech From Chicago
(This is ONE obama speech I am eagerly awaiting.)
HONOLULU — President Obama will give a farewell address next week from Chicago, his hometown, most likely his last chance to defend his legacy directly to the country before Donald J. Trump is sworn in, the White House announced on Monday.

...He added: “So I hope you’ll join me one last time. Because, for me, it’s always been about you.”

Wait... did he really say that? It's always been about who?
OK, makes perfect sense now.

Per a quick google search, Obama used the pronouns "I" and "me" and the adjective "my"--199 times in a speech he delivered in 2014 vowing to use unilateral executive action to achieve his policy goals that Congress would not enact through the normal, constitutional legislative process.

He referred to himself 45 times during his speech at a memorial service in Dallas for the five slain police officers.

Obama referenced himself 119 times when endorsing Hillary AT HER convention.

In fact, it has been documented that "President Narcissism" refers to himself once every 12 SECONDS on average in a 40 minute speech.


By contrast, President Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was only 272 words and did not include any form of the first person singular.

Mr. Obama said in the email that he was “just beginning to write my remarks.”

I'm thinking this could make a fun "Over/Under" wager pool. Shall I set the odds at "200" for the number of times Obama refers to himself in this speech? Any "under" takers?

Saturday, December 31, 2016

2017 Blog New Year's Resolutions


It's the last day of the year and 2016 is almost a wrap. It's that day of the year when we look back in retrospect on the year that has just transpired and look forward towards new horizons and new possibilities.

As for the retrospect part, you too may play along! Just complete this sentence as it best describes your year in review:

I'm another year older and...
1) Deeper in debt.
2) and another year wiser.
3) a lot less bolder than I used to be.
4) where did I leave my keys? Honey, have you seen my glasses? "They're on your head." Got 'em! Not sure why I laid my keys on my head but whatever. Now where are my glasses? "Have you checked the refrigerator?" Got 'em!


As for the "looking forward towards new horizons" thingy, I jotted down the following New Year's Resolutions for 2017.

>> I promise to spend more time with my favorite celebrities, actors and musicians while they are still alive, rather than waiting until they die in order to share grieving Facebook posts about how, "I can't believe they are really gone," or "who knew that a lifetime of rampant hard drug use and risky homosexual behavior in roadside rest area bathrooms would catch up to them?" - Reach out to your anonymous loved ones, despite a steady flow of celebrity-initiated restraining orders rubber-banded together and overflowing from  my your desk drawer. Don't wait until they're gone, people! Who doesn't look forward to unsolicited mail (or being closely and surreptitiously followed on the city streets?)

>>This blog resolves to endeavor to persevere by succinctly and concisely articulating my inner-most disjointed thoughts and macabre interpretations of the days news, and I promise not to be overly loquacious in my magniloquentness.  Always remember... (or is it to never forget) these three words?... brevity. Soul. Wit.

>>I resolve to live by this creed: Discretion may be the better part of valor, but a manly plush bathrobe is the better part of velour.

>>If nature calls while I am shopping at a Target store, I promise to always use the men's bathroom - but I will be sensitive and inclusive by leaving the toilet seat down in case the next stall visitor is a transitioning lesbian who is still saving for her addadicktame.

>>I promise not to keep emails that threaten national security on my private server in the kitchen pantry (unless we are talking personal financial gain) and to never secretly meet the Attorney General on an airport tarmac - unless a complimentary box of Cap'n Crunch is in the offing.

and lastly, I am repeating this resolution I made last year because, "If at first you don't succeed..."
>>I promise to no longer use sarcasm as a lazy form of humor in this blog because I now realize sarcasm is actually hostility disguised as humor. sarcasm derives from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” The last thing I want as your blog host is to offend the atheists, the secular humanists, the progressives, the marxists and/or the effeminates and transgenders. That's a mouthful. Let's just call them democrats. Or "freaks" if you prefer. In a nutshell, I just want the freaks to consider the Chattering Teeth Blog their very own internets "safe space".

Cheers, everybody! Happy New Year! Have a safe celebration, and remember that tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Let's fill it with fake news!

Friday, December 30, 2016

Hillary Clinton - Seal Team Sick

Hillary Clinton is a secret elite member of Obama's Seal Team, and really the only one with her ability to dodge imaginary gunfire, rappelle upside down into the Russian Politburo - dodging the security laser beams with the strength to cut through even the toughest of cankles - and grab the Russian reset button...

and replace it with an Obama thumb puppet.

Obama is now telling the Russians that he will have more flexibility once he declares Martial Law.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

BiBi's West Bank Savings & Loan

Now we know what Trump meant when he said, "things will be different soon."
Many days I wake up (usually around 5am) with a thought I find humorous - usually a twist on some news story.  So first thing this morning I did my little meme above. Then I read this story (below). Sometimes I amaze myself.

 A Defiant Israel Vows to Expand Its Settlements
JERUSALEM — Undeterred by a resounding defeat at the United Nations, Israel’s government said Monday that it would move ahead with thousands of new homes in East Jerusalem and warned nations against further action, declaring that Israel does not “turn the other cheek.”