Wednesday, November 5, 2014

McConnell Promises to Boldly Acquiesce to Obama's Pen and Phone

CT NEWS: I am sitting down with the presumed new Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, the morning after the big midterm elections. Congratulations sir, and thank you for doing this. So tell my reader(s?), what's first on the agenda?

MITCH: The American people have spoken and the message is loud and clear. They want bold, new Republican threats of compromise, before they completely cede all authority to Obama's phone and pen.

CT NEWS: What about ObamaCare? You stated last week that it would take 60 votes in the Senate to repeal, yet you had previously suggested the budget reconciliation process could be used to repeal ObamaCare with just 51 votes. Which is it sir?

MITCH: Now I'm thinking a full unanimous vote should be required so as not to offend anyone.

CT NEWS: I'm beginning to believe there won't be much difference from the Harry Reid days. What about the massive debt and out-of-control spending?

MITCH: I will propose we slow the rate of growth of the $Trillion dollar deficit by several hundred dollars over the next ten years. Unless the media thinks that's too draconian. What I can promise we won't do is shut down the government. Or threaten impeachment for continued lawlessness. Let me check the opinion polls and I'll get back to you.

CT NEWS: You have surrendered the power of the purse and impeachment as means to stop Obama. So I have to ask, what will the Republicans do to stop the president's plans to declare amnesty for millions of illegals?

MITCH: That's where I draw a line in the sand. I guess I would be forced to give him what could be construed as a dirty look and ask him not to do that again.

CT NEWS: That's all the time we have. I know I'm now fired up! Go sock it to 'em sir!

Monday, November 3, 2014

Diary of an undecided voter (I hope this helps. Or not)

Dear Diary,

We are on the eve of the midterms (so I am told) and if there is one thing I know with absolute certainty, it's that I believe I am still an undecided voter, but please don't pin me down on that.

Oh, don't get me wrong! What with all the major national issues at stake, I am absolutely, positively voting tomorrow... I think. Seriously, how else am I supposed to score one of those cool "I VOTED" stickers I plan on smugly displaying around the water cooler.

While I may (or may not) be completely certain which candidate has earned my vote yet, rest assured that I will be completely at ease with my ultimate selection, depending upon my mood (and blood alcohol and THC levels) when it's my turn in the booth.

Oh sure, we are at a spork in the road in the struggle for our continued survival and national identity, so I may (or may not) revert to the tried and true method of multiple choice test taking that has never let me down. Namely, "when in doubt, Charlie out." 

With the president's agenda on the ballot the future of our republic and control of the Senate literally up for grabs, please tell me that you really didn't think I would revert to simply "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe-ing" did ya?

It's true that I am somewhat wishy washy at this exact moment regarding my ballot choices, but that's because I am potentially so much more informed than any previous generation before me (unless they insist otherwise?).

Think about it... Its a fractious media today, and people no longer have to sit in front of their black and white TVs at precisely 6PM or 11PM and choose from as many as three stations (depending upon the creative use of aluminum foil on the rabbit ears) to be fed the nightly news from the mouth of a nicely dressed anchorman with perfect hair, if not diction.

Now, I can get my info passively, or pulled and pushed to any one of my several dozen mobile devices, from an untold number of news sites, blogs, twitter feeds, and of course, my personal favorite mobile devices: my fleet of talking Barbies, etc., at any time of the day or night.

What I can say without equivocation or incertitude, is that Dancing with the Stars celebrity pair, Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy, are most definitely dating! At least, that's what the celebrity gossip pages are saying, and I can't think of a good reason why they would lie to me.

So diary, while I seem to be noncommittal regarding my vote tomorrow, that doesn't mean that I am unsure about my core values and what I most dearly believe in. Let me be as unambiguous as I possibly can on this point. I will vote for the candidate that has the greatest odds of increasing my own popularity and making me feel good about myself, regardless of any disastrous national implications.

And the environment. I think I like the environment. And these condoms, and that's all I need.

It is all so confusing. Once I think I have my decision, I get another one of those automated phone calls, or I catch a commercial on TV that tells me all sorts of mean and nasty stuff about one of the candidates, and I am forced to change my mind again.

SO TIME TO STEP UP mister and misses candidates, and vie for the full support of us undecideds. 

I know my vote will be well thought out and disseminated in my brain. Basically, I will throw my full support behind the candidate who's superficial and pandering robo call I receive last... or not.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Mystery Product Photo Quiz

What is this?
A) Google Glass bifocals

B) LGBT-Friendly hand and anklecuffs

C) Swiss Army Keychain

D) Freerider Skatecycle

The good news is, I can get one of these bad boys for only $99.99 on Woot!

The bad news is, I have no desire to break a hip, which I am convinced is guaranteed for anyone over trying this over 25 years of age.

Friday, October 31, 2014


LUCY: I hope we do better here than we did at that freaking sad parade. (Michelle Obama Found a Way to RUIN HALLOWEEN For Children)
CHARLIE: I'm just glad it was so easy to jump the fence here.

OBAMA: Whew! Just some kids. I was worried it might be that chickensh*t Bibi. Michelle, put down that tub of ice cream and get the Halloween treats!
...and now for an oldie but a goodie (if I do say so myself)


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Ebola nurse found obstructing traffic on NJ bridge

New Jersey nurse who was confined over Ebola worries, boyfriend go into hiding
Nurse Kaci Hickox, armed with a doctor’s note saying she tested negative for the dreaded disease but still facing three weeks of quarantine, went underground Tuesday and took her boyfriend with her. She and nursing student Theodore Wilbur were in an undisclosed location and getting reacquainted after a month apart, officials said.

Where could they be?
Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...

Two of three access lanes to the George Washington Bridge are closed due to a mysterious pup tent, causing traffic chaos, especially in Fort Lee, at the mouth of the bridge in New Jersey.  Mayor Christie is said to be at fault.

CHRISTIE: So sue me. Whatever. Get in line.

Saturday, October 25, 2014


Hillary: ‘Don’t Let Anybody Tell You that it’s Corporations and Businesses that Create Jobs’

“You know that old theory..." Free market Capitalism... “That has been tried, that has failed. It has failed rather spectacularly.”

Friday, October 24, 2014

Second Amendment vaccine cures ISIS

This blog was able to obtain the rest of the story thorough investigative reporting, a half bottle of homemade pumpkin spiced rum and an inexpensive hooker.

Chattering Teeth News reports that a large shipment of newly manufactured axes meant for an outdoor hunting and camping supplies store was mistakenly delivered to the loading docks of a  radical islamonazi mosque.

President Obama cautions the public not to panic, and stated that this incident was not related to the weapons drop meant for the Kurds this week that was instead delivered directly into the hands of ISIS.    

OBAMA: Let me be clear. You can't catch ISIS unless an axe wielding izlamonazi jihadist comes in direct contact with your bodily fluids.

Meanwhile... Hatchet assault on New York police comes during fears of Islamist attacks
Target: Men in uniform - (This) attack is the third on people in uniform in North America in a week.

ISIS, the Islamic State in Syria and Iraq, has recently called to sympathizers in the West to carry out attacks against men and women in uniform.

Rioting residents in Ferguson, MO promise to respond to this call.

And now a word from our sponsors... Walmart announces huge sale of pressure cookers... just as soon as their overdue shipment arrives from Liberia.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Clinton Bimbola Eruption Photo Pop Quiz

What is this?

This picture features...(pick one)  Ebola eruption or Bimbo eruption?

A) Bill Clinton's visit to Flint, Michigan today.
The First Perv introduces a surprise guest, Monica Lewinski (Patient Splash Zone Zero) and her much improved stainless hazmat blue dress for a special dance for old time's sake.
(B) A nurse and a doctor demonstrate the Ebola decontamination procedure in a specialized quarantine unit at Charité Hospital in Berlin, Germany.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Crowd of corpses leave early during Obama's speech at Democratic cemetery rally

It all started when President Obama made a rare appearance on the campaign trail Sunday to support the Democratic candidate for governor in Maryland and the crowd couldn't find the exits fast enough, as a heckler shouted insults.

Things only got worse for the president and the democrat's midterm prospects when, later in the day, the corpses made an early exit from a local cemetery during a Democrat rally when Obama showed up. 

This is an ominous sign. While Democrats have a history of not turning out to vote in midterm elections, they have always counted the dead vote 100% in their corner. However, if the president's sagging approval numbers are even making these corpses skittish, the upcoming election could be a massacre.

Monday, October 20, 2014

New CDC Ebola guides "Buddy Up & Cover Up" Code named: Fluke Rules

New hospital guidelines for Ebola patients call for healthcare workers to cover up
The new guidelines are expected to set firmer standards: calling for full-body suits and hoods that protect worker's necks; setting rigorous rules for removal of equipment and disinfection of hands; and requiring a "site manager" to supervise the putting on and taking off of equipment.

New CDC Ebola guides, 
"The guidelines also are expected to require a "buddy system" in which workers check each other as they come in and go out..."

Why "Fluke Rules?"
CDC REP: Why re-invent the wheel? Fluke has these "firmer standards" down to a science by now. Not sure who she has used as a site manager czar, but we will be taking her recommendations soon.

In other news, the CDC has refused to set a Fluke travel ban.

A recent Chattering Teeth poll found that the majority of Americans support a travel ban to Sandra Fluke's old dorm room until such time as it can be sand blasted and smelted.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Obama’s Credit Card "from the Bank of China in the name of your children" Rejected

Obama’s Credit Card Rejected

OBAMA: My credit card was declined at a restaurant in New York City last month. It turned out I guess I don't use that one made out to "Barry Hussein Soetoro" on it enough. They thought there was some fraud going on. Fortunately, Michael... errr... I mean Mooshell had a credit card on hand and paid for the meal. I guess that biooootch uses her card plenty.

"I was trying to explain to the waitress, you know, I really think that I've been paying my bills," Mr Obama said. "Even I'm affected by this."

The waitress was overheard later complaining about the cheap-a$$ed president's lack of a tip, stating he said "You didn't build that burger," as he sashayed out the door with his posse.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Student's photo of Michelle O's skimpy bush meat lunch has some questioning president's Ebola policy

MICHELLE: Some people can't ever be pleased. "Skimpy"? That's a full smoked monkey head I'll have you know! People in Liberia would kill for that beauty. And a fruit bat Kabob with orange peel zest with a turnip? If it's so skimpy, why has school lunch waste increased to 86%?

"Did I say 'Turnip?' Turnip for what?"

DaBlade: I may have been born on the back of a turnip truck at night, but my momma didn't raise no vegetable. 

and now it's time for your favorite cooking show...
 The Food Network is expanding it's "Chopped" franchise and going global with the spinoff premiere of Chopped: West Africa.

Food critic and host extraordinaire Ted Allen is back, and so are the panel of his esteemed chef judges. The pilot episode was filmed in a quaint little village in Guinea, where 4 contestants are given their own fancy barrel grills. 

"chefs, open your baskets."
dried bushmeat
raw chimpanzee brain
fruit bats...

to your smokers!

Monday, October 13, 2014

Obama 200th Golf Round, Ebola 2nd Victim

Potato, potahto ..
 Obama played his 200th round of golf during his presidency yesterday. I don't know if he actually played in a full hazmat suit while driving in a climate-controlled golf cart. The picture (above) is just your blog host's rendition of this presidential milestone.

We are left to only speculate, because the White House had a last minute realization that having the press along for obama's golf round amid all the crisis would make for "bad optics", so a more sheeple-soothing photo op was arranged. Who said the president was disinterested?

Per Keith Koffler at the White House Dossier:

Perhaps realizing the incongruity of the president playing golf amid crises, the White House today initially loaded up the press pool to accompany Obama to his golf outing, and then had a better thought. The press was yanked out of the vans and dispatched to the windows of the Oval Office, where reporters instructed to witness the president speaking on the phone with HHS Secretary Sylvia Burwell about the new Ebola case in Texas.

And then it was on to golf.

 I think my favorite part of that story is, "The press was yanked out of the vans..."

oh, and Yahoo news apologists? He slept through the Benghazi attack. I don't think lack of rest is what drives this turd.

PICTURED: obama practices his putting stroke atop the bus while waiting for the man with the eye patch to finish driving.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Ebola, Obama, Tomato, tomahto

Texas health worker tests positive for Ebola. 1st U.S. transmission.

I thought Ebola is supposed to be hard to get? Isn't that what obama has been telling us he continues to leave our borders wide open and travel unrestricted?

In fact, I believe the obama administration said in order to get Ebola, you had to take a nude jacuzzi and steam bath, and indiscriminately swap bodily fluids... No, wait! That's his campaign fundraising strategy. I always confuse those two.

So if its so hard to get, how did this health worker become infected? I assume she was wearing the prescribed protective clothing, gloves and mask. As far as we know, she was only in proximity to ONE Ebola patient, so its not exactly a numbers game. Those who have been warning of potential catastrophic loss of life have been labeled 'fear mongers', and the obama apologists have been out in full force. It's no longer a question of "if" with these bozos in charge. It is now just a question of "how much longer do we have".

That's the memo, and now for the news:

CDC: 'Avoid Public Transportation'

The President of the World, Barack Hussein Obama, recently assured West African countries that “You cannot get it through casual contact like sitting next to someone one a bus."  Of course, this message was delivered via a video message thousands of miles away

In an empty bus smelling of strong bleach and other disinfectants, and located in a hermetically sealed bunker in an underground and guarded secret facility, Obama assures the nation that, "You can't catch that Ebola sh*t on a bus... See?"

Proof that Obama is taking the Ebola outbreak crisis seriously, he has been spotted golfing from a sheathed golf cart.

The latest Gallup poll reflects Obama's approval numbers have sunk to a new low of 39%. Meanwhile, the deadly virus Ebola enjoys a slightly better approval rating, with 57% respondents picking 'Ebola' over 'Obama' to the question: With whom would you rather have dinner?

Officials soothe progressive fears by promising that the new airport Ebola screening process will not engage in viral profiling. "We will absolutely NOT target those individuals flying in from West African countries who are exhibiting signs of hemorrhagic fever, have festering boils and oozing pustules or otherwise bleeding from their eyes, ears, nose and rectum," promised WH Sect boy, Josh Earnest.  "Besides, we have these really cool non-contact thermometer iPhone apps that are accurate within 20 or 30 degrees!"

You say Obama and I say Ebola
You like tomato and I like tomahto
Obama, Ebola, Tomato, tomahto.
Let's call the whole thing off

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Did Gweneth Paltrow call obama "breathtaking"?

Goop Gone Mad! Gwyneth Paltrow ‘Extremely Unpleasant’ While Prepping For President’s Arrival At Her Los Angeles Home, ‘Drinking & Smoking’ All Day, Says Staff Member

“At around 10am, she started drinking wine and she was smoking cigarettes all day.”
Well NOW it's all beginning to make more sense...
Later, vomits in the shrubbery while promising her pool boy all the power he needs.