Monday, March 27, 2017

Just waiting for something noteworthy to come around on the guitar news cycle

Sometimes headlines are 100% accurate but still misleading. Like this one on CNN.

Chaos as crowded escalator reverses

Not only does the escalator reverse, but it appears to accelerate and leaving at least 18 people injured. Obviously, the headline was way funnier than the actual story, and I chastise myself for breaking that self-imposed rule to only read the headlines.

What the story doesn't tell you, is that several hours later, a blonde woman reported missing was rescued while walking up the down escalator.


Friday, March 24, 2017

Chattering Chicken

Today's Chattering Teeth blog guest columnist is my imaginary pet chicken (scratch that off your 'bucket' list, fella). I hope you find him as insightful as I do. Take it away Mister Chicken!


Today's Chicken Headline News:

Is President Trump playing a game of giant brahma chicken with his "take it, or leave it," "do or die," "it's now or never" ultimatum for a House vote today to replace obamacare with a gigantic and rotten egg?

I don't know about that, but did you see that giant brahma chicken?

McConnell: 'I would hate, I say I would hate to be a Republican who blocks ObamaCare repeal

Here is never-before-seen footage of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell matching wits with fellow Kentucky Senator, Rand Paul:



Mr Chicken, signing off...--<- -="" nbsp="" y="">-  -<- p=""> -<- -="" br="" nbsp="" y="">dsij ros88gyu  fio i'uwr  pow[piof w[rio k 

On tomorrow's Chattering Teeth Blog Show, my imaginary pet squirrel will present an in-depth investigative report on Tom Brady's jersey, as well as his collection of nuts.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Chattering Teeth Headline News

North Korean releases disturbing video of a crippled cruise ship flailing about in the Sea of Japan after rudder had taken merciless fire from the supreme leader's sidearm. Unlike the earlier propaganda video of a US aircraft carrier on fire - this one appears to be legit.


Meanwhile, Kim Jung Un has his top chef executed due to misunderstand after being told there was a catastrophic "lunch failure" instead of "launch failure" in latest missile test. The top rocket scientist has been demoted and is now responsible for successful hoagie hero sub lunch launches. A despot has to eat.
I leave you with this:
What happens when an unstoppable farce meets an immovable object?
Do you view Roe as “super precedent?” Feinstein asked.

Gorsuch: “It has been reaffirmed many times, I can say that, yes.”

Feinstein:  Are you REFUSING to say that Roe v. Wade is a Super Double 'D' Duper expialidocious precedent?

Monday, March 20, 2017

Will Judge Gorsuch be Borked or Filibustered? (and who's cat is this?)

The Supreme Court confirmation hearings of Judge Neil M. Gorsuch are set to begin today. He has been cramming for this senate test ever since his nomination and in prep sessions known as "murder boards" where he is peppered with questions about his record and judicial philosophy in attempts to trip him up, just like the democrats are likely to do.

I imagine these mock sessions are sort of like the practice squad on a football team, where player's sole job description is to fill in for this coming weekend's opponent during the season and to get the main team ready for live action. Remember the movie Rudy?

If it were MY JOB to prep Judge Gorsuch to be questioned by the likes of mental giants in the mold of Al Franken and Chuck Schumer, I would spare no expense and go "full immersion" by wearing a large, red clown nose with reading glasses perched low on the nose nob, a faux satellite dish on my head and a large alcoholic drink in my hand. Voila! Instant Working Democrat Senator!

Even most of his critics concede that Judge Gorsuch is wicked smart and poised, so it won't be easy tripping him up. Here is how I imagine my murder board prep session would have gone:

ME: Please state your name for the record, sir.

GORSUCH: Judge Neil Gorsuch.

ME: I asked for your name, not your title. When you say "Judge", do you mean as a name like Judge Reinhold?  Is it your contention then, SIR, that you played Detroit Detective William 'Billy' Rosewood in the Beverly Hills Cop movies!? (*slamming my fist on table*) WERE YOU LYING THEN OR ARE YOU LYING NOW!?

GORSUCH: Do me a favor, can you say ‘Judge’ instead of ‘sir’? It’s just a thing. I worked so hard to get that title, so I’d appreciate it. Thank you.

ME: Oohhhh GOOD FOR YOUUUU! Giving me back a little Barbara Boxer to throw me off balance. Stick and move. Rope-a-dope. I get it. Let's quit circling the "Boxer" ring. Now that we have the niceties out of the way, let's get started...

From the democrat perspective, the purpose of this hearing is to determine whether you are fit enough to sit on the Supreme Court, and like our favorite cRa CrA justices - to not respect our constitution nor our country and make it up as you go in order to continue to enshrine our godless abortion rights laws.

We Democrat Senators are fair, so I offer you the following:

“You can say one sentence to defend yourself. If you lie we will Bork you. If you tell us the truth we will filibuster you.”

What do you say?

**I snicker cuz I'm sure I've GOT HIM either way he answers**

GORSUCH: It’s certain that you will Bork me.

At this point, I imagine Al Franken displaying a look of triumph, thinking he has out-smarted the Judge. But slowly his smile disappears as even his feeble mind begins to untie this 'liar's paradox' knot that Judge Gorsuch has tied him into.

GORSUCH (contines) - If you agree that you will certainly Bork me, then I obviously told you the truth. But if that were the truth, then you must filibuster me, based on the rules of your own question to me. But if you follow that thru and filibuster me, then obviously my answer was indeed a lie. But if a lie, then you must Bork me, making my answer truthful.

***somewhere Schrödinger's cat meows (and Al Franken's head explodes)***



Sunday, March 19, 2017

From the White House Gates to the Pearly Gates

Individual driving 'suspicious' vehicle detained at Secret Service checkpoint near White House

Not sure why I found this funny, but this is the image that sprang to mind when I read that headline. I have no idea why Bill Clinton would be driving the Oscar Meyer hot dog car to the White House check point, or why he is such a sharp dressed man. Maybe he is on another bootie call and trolling for under-aged interns, or maybe its just because Hillary has threatened to come out of the woods.

No matter... once I think of an image, I have to 'scratch the itch' and post it or I can't stop thinking about it. I know. I need blog counseling.
I have the same excuse for this next one.When I heard that Chuck Berry had passed, the first thing I though of was the scene from Back to the Future when Marty McFly (after time traveling back in time) is doing his best Chuck Berry  version of Johnny B. Goode (Before Chuck writes the song), and Chuck's cousin, Marvin, gives Chuck a call...

R.I.P. Chuck Berry.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Was Trump's Irish Proverb actually a Nigerian Prince email Scam?



Trump's 'Irish proverb' appears to be a Nigerian poem
(CNN) - A Nigerian man has told CNN he was surprised to learn that US President Donald Trump had read a few lines of his poetry at an event marking St. Patrick's Day on Thursday.

"My sister just brought the news to me. I didn't want to believe what she said initially," Albasheer Adam Alhassan, a Nigerian banker who wrote the poem in college, said. "I posted those things when I was back in school, over 10 years ago. I never thought it would get to this level."


Nigerian poem? Here is a snippet of Trump's comments. See if you can spot the controversy.


May the Nigerian Prince rise to email you.
May your bank funds be always in your account.
May you share your routing number with the prince.
to help him out of a legal pinch.
And until he emails you again,
May you hold your remaining funds in the hollow of your hand.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Happy St Patrick's Day!


 "May you be half an hour in Heaven before the devil knows you're dead..."


Read more: Irish Rovers - Drunken Sailor Lyrics | MetroLyrics

What will we do with a drunken sailor?
What will we do with a drunken sailor?
What will we do with a drunken sailor?
Early in the morning!

(refrain)
Way hay and up she rises,
Way hay and up she rises,
Way hay and up she rises,
Early in the morning!

Shave his belly with a rusty razor,
Shave his belly with a rusty razor,
Shave his belly with a rusty razor,
Early in the morning!

Draw on his face with a permanent marker...
Put him at the wheel of an Exxon tanker...
Happy St Patrick's Day! Be safe.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Pedro for President


McDonald's drive-thru worker jumps through window to save off-duty officer

Pedro Viloria, a McDonald's drive-thru worker in Florida, went into "hero mode" by jumping through the drive-thru window to save an off-duty police officer having a health emergency on Tuesday. 

The woman had just ordered breakfast for herself and her two children, when she started having difiiculty breathing and lost consciousness. She slumped in her seat as the SUV began to roll...

I wish I had a nickel for every time this happened to me, but usually it's AFTER consuming their products.

But that's when our hero, Pedro, must have said something like, "Not on my watch! Let's roll!" as he vaulted thru the window, launched himself towards the vehicle and wrestled it to the curb and saving this lady and her children from on-coming traffic - pulled her from the vehicle as a co-worker administered CPR.

Once the lady was revived, she learned her order was shorted by one hash brown.

THE END

The take-away for me is that
Number One: Pedro for president. God Bless you young man. I snark, and yet I take my funny looking paper hat off to you and your quick actions.

Number Two: (and most importantly) In this day and age when it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get quality and timely health care (thanks obama) I know where I'm going when I have my next health emergency - my local McDonald's drive-thru.

"Would you like fries with that myocardial infarction?"

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

The Rachel Maddow Effect - Punk'd TV




The Hollywood Reporter has the best headline on this story:

Critic's Notebook: Rachel Maddow Tortures Audience, Then Reveals Donald Trump, Gasp, Paid Some Taxes


Michael Carbanaro: What if I told you this isn't really The Rachel Maddow Show, but a hidden-camera magic TV show that tricked you into watching this moron?

BTW, The Carbonaro Effect is one of my family's favs. Getting this dude's audience numbers into triple digits would be his greatest trick ever.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

SEAL Team 6 to give merciless trim off the top for NK Despot

North Korea warns of 'merciless' strikes as U.S. carrier joins South Korea drills

Kim Jong Un sure likes that word, 'merciless.'

It was almost 4 years ago when Kim Jong un challenged Obama to a "merciless" game of Donkey Basketball.



The North Korean despot was hardly intimidated by obama's strategy of appeasement and surrender, with the tipping point likely after the infamous Easter Monday obama free throw fiasco in April of 2013, when he turned the White House into the "Brick House."




Now we have our own chubby leader with a funny hair cut. Kim Jong Un might want to crawl back into his donut hole and zip it. Trump isn't sending Dennis Rodman over this time...
SEAL Team 6 is reportedly training for a decapitation strike against North Korea's Kim regime

Saturday, March 11, 2017

US Relieved To Learn That Chinese Space-based "Laser" Is Actually A Men's KEMEI 5D "Razor"

Light wars: space-based lasers among Beijing’s hi-tech arms

Chattering Teeth News - Initial reports of plans for a Chinese Space-based "Laser" may have been the result of a language barrier between Washington and Beijing officials, this CTN reporter has learned made up.



I was horrified when I read the initial reports about the Chinese military developing powerful lasers, electromagnetic railguns and high-power microwave weapons for use in a future “light war” involving space-based attacks on satellites.

I decided to get to the bottom of it. I don't mean to brag, but we here at Chattering Teeth News are on the cutting edge of breaking news and gossip - staying ahead of the curve with random google searches and a talkative inebriated homeless man and a hooker I keep on retainer.

I was able to procure the phone number of a high ranking Chinese government official with inside knowledge regarding this Chinese star wars space laser using one of my anonymous sources. I dialed the number...

Somewhere... in the ghetto district of Shanghai, China... in a dark and dank waterfront medicine shop, the proprietor answers his ringing phone...

**LING** **LING** **LING**

Li: Herro?

Me: Yes, my name is DaBlade and I am a reporter for Chattering Teeth News, a very popular blog for a handful of readers in the U.S., have I reached the party with whom I am speaking?

Li: I no have Chatteling teet, ok? I have medicines and potions with evlyting flom ginseng to animah exclement, human precenta and tigah genetal. You come, you go!

Me: I have no clue what you are saying, so let me get right to the point. What about these Chinese space lasers I keep reading about?

Li: Space Rasahs?

Me: Rasahs? OHH! I get it... you mean RAZORS!

Li: Yu sum kine of dum gai? Is sum ting wong wit yu?

Me: Huh? Wait! I think I've deciphered this code you're using. You're saying the Chinese are upgrading their current fleet of space-based straight razors with the new electric solar powered Men's KEMEI 5D "Razor" with nose trimmers? That the 5-ton Razor will be stationed in low-earth orbit in order to give the Chinese cosmonauts the absolute closest shave possible?

Li: Yu Got Tai Ni Po Ni!

Me: Thank you, sir... I think. Thank you for your clarification on this, and I thank you from a grateful nation.

THE END

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Two Wild and Crazy Guys Swipe Diapers in Fox Crossing

 100,000 diapers? Are you looking to sell them, pawn them, or here to see Chumlee?

Wisconsin men arrested in theft of 100,000 diapers
FOX CROSSING, Wis. - Two Wisconsin men are accused of stealing 100,000 diapers.

The Post-Crescent reports that Fox Crossing police allege the men stole nearly 1,800 cases of diapers -- valued at more than $45,000 -- from a charity that provides goods to needy families.

Authorities say the diapers were stolen between Jan. 3 and Feb. 13 at a local warehouse.

Police say it appears the men stole the diapers to make money.


The "Police say it appears the men stole the diapers to make money" and not to make doodoo.

Hands up! Don't poop!!!

Chattering Teeth News reports the men -- John Forbes and Jason Havel -- were jailed and charged with theft, but their attorney says his clients self-identify as newborn infants so the soiled diaper caper charge won't stick.

Listen, it's easy to make jokes about this, but we have to be right every time and the diaper thieves only have to be right once. Thankfully, these perpetrators were apprehended, roughed and coughed and bums powdered with talk for a long night in county lockup. Just imagine the awkward response to the question, "what are you in for?"



BTW, this actually happened in a town called "FOX CROSSING"? Has anyone else considered these two gentlemen may actually be TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS? The reports I'm reading are inconclusive as to the nationality of this diaper swipers, or if they are actually two Czech brothers.
Georg: We need to find some American foxes for our swinging bachelor pad!

Yortuk: This map says there is a "Fox Crossing" in American Wisconsin! We will cruise for them in our tight slacks which give us great bulges!

Georg: First let's steal some diapers. Foxes love the baby talk.

Yortuk: And we might SCORE 1500 times, because...

We are.. two wild and crazy guys!

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Congress "Fixes" Obama Phone Program With "American Phone Act"

 Are My Free Obama Phone Minutes Almost Up?

April asks: “I heard rumors that there will no longer be free Government phones once Obama is not in office. Is this true?”

PENCE: Good news, April! THERE, WE FIXED IT! The main difference now is that your "Obama Phone" will now be known as "American Phone Act" or something... Get in line!!



The program is too popular to kill
More than ten million needy Americans have come to depend on their Obama Phones to keep track of their kids, to reach medical professionals, to search for jobs, and to do many other daily tasks that more affluent Americans take for granted.

Very few politicians have the nerve (or the stupidity) to end the subsidy that pays for the Obama Phone program. They just don’t want to anger all those constituents.

The program has inertia

If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of inertia, please allow us to explain it because it almost seems as if the word was invented to describe government programs.

Wikipedia says, “Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to any change in its state of motion; this includes changes to its speed, direction or state of rest. It is the tendency of objects to keep moving in a straight line at constant velocity. The principle of inertia is one of the fundamental principles of classical physics.”

But the concept of inertia can also be applied to government programs, meaning that once they’re established, they keep going and going and going like the Energizer Bunny.

Thank goodness, THEY FIXED IT!!

Monday, March 6, 2017

April the Giraffe bugged by Obama

Are you following April the Giraffe and the highly anticipated birth on the Animal Adventure Park giraffe cam?

I stared at that thing in a trance for about 3 hours, and only snapped out of it when Shia Labeouff appeared in the stall with a shovel of giraffe excrement and chanting directly into the camera, "He will not divide us!."

Any time now!!!

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Was Suspicious Surveillance Van Caught On Traffic Cam Outside Trump Towers?

Even if this IS an actual screen capture of a suspicious surveillance van outside of Trump Towers and not some photoshopped image expertly crafted by an obviously talented individual? What proof is there to suggest that 'sick' Obama bugged Trump?

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the suspicious surveillance van...
Unfortunately, Obama had assigned the operational wiring and logistics to Joe "Plugs" Biden.


 
If the van starts a rockin'...

Meanwhile, the power grid on the Eastern Seaboard...
THE END