Tuesday, September 27, 2016

"Hillarity and Hijinks" from Last Night's Debate

So I watched the debate on TV last night between that portly and bombastic man and that woman whom I shall not name who shared the stage with him. It was obvious to me from the spirited back-and-forth that she was lost in this great man's shadow, having much less experience in entertainment TV.

I know that some folks watching this debate sided with the man while some sided with the woman simply because they shared their genitalia type. I took no sides, and instead contented myself with belly laughs and snorts after every outlandish utterance of fake dialog. No laugh track necessary!

From what I could gather, the man's main beef was that he had spent the last 30-some years actually working and earning an honest living, while she spent all that time selfishly thinking about herself and setting up everything in her sphere of influence just to benefit herself.

From her perspective, she didn't deny his charges, but tried to make the case that she was much better at making the important decisions than he was.

While the debate was contentious at times, it was obvious these two really loved each other and actually wanted exactly the same things.

So that is my recap of "Sleep Disorder", the title of the second episode of the new comedy TV series, Kevin Can Wait, starring Kevin James and Erinn Hayes as his TV wife.

I'm quite sure there will be more hillarity and hijinks next week.
As for the 9PM hour immediately following, I thought I was watching a repeat - but instead was the presidential debate between the protectionist populist progressive Trump and Hilery (sic).

While the debate was contentious at times, it was obvious these two really loved each other and actually wanted exactly the same things.

The joke is on us in that one.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Black Caucus Dinner Insults

Obama: Would be 'personal insult' to legacy if black voters don't back Clinton

Saturday night at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation gala dinner

OBAMA: If I hear anybody saying their vote does not matter, that it doesn't matter who we elect -- read up on your history. Or weren't you educated in a muslim Indonesian Madrassa?

Barack so stupid, If he had a brain he'd take it out and play with it.

I will consider it a personal insult -- an insult to my legacy if those with my particular shade of skin melons and genetic blend do not support that old and tottering racist white biotch.

...as an outsider, what's your view of the human race?

Let me be clear. I need all of my bruthas and sistas who are also half white and half Kenyan to put down their bongs for an hour - get a ride to the polls and vote a few times for Hillary.

... mouth is moving, words are coming out, this is never good!

My name may not be on the ballot, but our progress is on the ballot. My pen and my phone is on the ballot.

Hey Barack! You'll never be the man Michelle is!

By the way, there's an extra spring in my step tonight. I don't know about you guys, but I am so relieved that the whole 'birther' thing is over.

Yo mama's doctor called with her colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head!


Friday, September 16, 2016



So you want to be a Hillary Handler? Do you believe you have what it takes?

We here at the Hillary Handler Training Academy take your training very seriously. The Academy is located in a sprawling underground campus hidden under Chelsea's house (with a fully staffed hospital). After successfully completing this 6-week course consisting of a combination of classroom and grueling obstacle course work, you will have the following skills:

* Ninja-like ability to be camouflaged in plain sight - the ability to always be within proximity of "the subject" and ready to assist at a moment's notice, but out-of-the-way and not immediately noticeable to others in the crowded groupings.

* Magician-like skills and ability to appear out of nowhere to surreptitiously administer booster shots to "the subject" of whatever is needed at the time from a concealed-carry syringe and vials of various medications for strokes & seizures - but all labeled for "allergies".

* Fireman-like strength and ability to catch the subject after a sudden collapse and to deadlift and drag the subject into the waiting and idling van in such a way as to make it appear the subject is still conscious and animated under their own power. 

* NASCAR-like driving abilities in case the regular driver suffers an accidental ashtray throw from the back seat to his temple. (we here at the Hillary Handler Training Academy believe in cross-training our HH Agents)

Those with family, friends, neighbors or loved ones who would otherwise notice their eventual permanent disappearance need not apply.

Monday, September 12, 2016


Clinton cancels West Coast visit to rest
Hillary Clinton canceled plans to visit California on Monday and Tuesday and instead will rest at her home in Chappaqua, N.Y. following a medical episode that caused her to stagger and faint Sunday at a 9/11 commemoration ceremony, her campaign said.

Clinton stumbled off the curb, her "knees buckled" and she lost a shoe as she was helped into a van during her "unexpected early departure." The NYPD was sent to retrieve Clinton's shoe, according to NBC.

As I was reading the article, I remember thinking how strange it was that I hadn't fallen asleep. I mean, "I don't feel no ways tired." You see, I suffer from a rare form of narcolepsy that only seems to manifest itself when confronted with a story about Hillary Cli... *yawn*.. Zzzzzz

Cue wavy lines for the upcoming blog dream sequence of fairy tale already in progress...

Hillerella was sick and tired of always being the ugly stepsister when it came to winning the hand of the  democrat nominee for president. Her "prince".  For once, SHE wanted to be the UGLY sister nominee! No, she NEEDED to be!

And why not!? She's earned it.  After all those years running interference for her husband, the pied piper with the bent flute and a trail of bimbos in his wake.

And then in 2008, when the nomination was all but hers - in rides Obama on a unicorn to steal her prize. IT WASN"T FAIR! SHE wanted to be the one to fundamentally change and destroy this country. 

But it was not to be, for she was forced to eat the poisoned apple and sleep for the next 8 years.

Well NOW was her time, and she was dancing with the prince once again. She wasn't going to let a little coughing spasm and a virulent case of pneumonia stop her from grabbing the brass ring and hugging a child despite her contagious infection.
That mean 'ol Trump wolf was not going to huff and puff and blow her house down, not if the mainstream media could help it.

"Where's my *cough*... shoe?," groaned Hillerella. "There's only 2 months left until the election! The DNC better not even *cough*... THINK about *cough* trying to slip that on someone else's foot *cough* It is formed to MY cankle!"


Sunday, August 14, 2016


This one is for my FB buddy Tom, who likes to call me 'stupid' or 'dumb' because I won't support Trump - and also for the rest of those who try to bludgeon a Trump vote by stating that not voting for Trump is like a vote for Hilery (sic), or that Trump is obviously better than Hilery (sic); or warning that if Hilery (sic) is elected, we will lose our country in 8 years (as if I can still recognize the country I'm currently blogging in); or my personal favorite: "(then) face the consequences of the future Supreme Court." (but why repeat myself).

NEWSFLASH: If (when) Trump loses, it's his fault - and because he was the wrong candidate. 

I know it's a popular argument from many trumpeters to state that if Trump loses, it's somehow my fault. I don't blame the cupcakes who never supported the only constitutional conservative during the primaries for finger-pointing. After all, your candidate is already positioning and leveraging himself for the loss.

Then again, Einstein and his chalkboard may have this all figured out.  
In conclusion, Hilery (sic) is a despicable human being and I would never vote for her. I certainly understand those of like-mind who plan to hold their nose and vote for somebody they determine to be less despicable than Hilery (sic). I respect their choice and pledge from here forward not to try to influence them to my camp of nevertrump - as long as they give me the same courtesy.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

This Blog Means No Offense to the Capybaras

Massive rodents are taking over the Rio Olympic golf course
Capybaras have taken over the course at Rio ahead of next week's men's Olympic golf competition, and they are crazy looking -- like the offspring of a rat, pig, gopher and baby hippo ... but with long hair.

Zike, smeeka.

Friday, August 5, 2016

2016 RIO Olympic Cauldron & Funeral Pyre

The 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro officially got underway when a 200lb mosquito riddled with the Zika virus lit the Olympic Cauldron filled with the mutilated body parts that have been washing up on Copacabana Beach.

The proverbial bar has been raised regarding the pomp and circumstance that has been associated with these opening ceremonies, with the raucous music and synchronized dancing accentuated by audience participation with gunshots, knifings and other random acts of violence perpetrated against their foreign visitors.

This is a socialist's utopic wet dream of universal health care and abject poverty re-distribution. Never mind the waterways of Rio teeming with dangerous viruses, bacteria, turds and raw sewage. Pay no attention to the   mutilated bodies washing up on the volleyball beaches, or the stench from the numerous giant trash pits.

DISCLAIMER: Garbage is defined as any discarded item thrown out by a capitalist, including but not limited to worn or broken household items, leftover packaging, uneaten non-vegan foodstuffs, or other items resulting from capitalist consumption. Garbage DOES NOT include Earf-friendly items such as dirty drug needles, spent roaches, stacks of discarded and bloodied unwanted fetuses with severed spines, etc., and also the following: Any item purchased with any form of government transfer payment, including but not limited to Social Security, welfare, food stamps, unemployment compensation, etc. 

And as for the mosquitos spreading the zika virus and causing birth defects and baby's heads to be 50% smaller than normal - you have to ask yourself: How big a brain do you really require to be a socialist progressive?

So the land isn't exactly disease-free. But just think how much worse the air and water quality would be if the green environmentalists and tree-hugging socialists weren't in charge.

The good news is that the television cameras should not broadcast any human rights or civil liberties violations, as the local impoverished have been booted to the hills and threatened to keep a low profile.

BREAKING: Due to the special challenges holding the Olympic games in Rio is proving to be, there have been some scheduling and games changes to take note as follows -

1) Swimming. The Men's 400m freestyle has been replaced by Men's 400m sewage and infectious disease paddle; and the Women's 100m butterfly has been replaced by Women's 100m synchronized turd toss.

2) Beach volleyball will be replaced by the severed head bocce ball beach roll and shuffleboard.

3) All street marathons and race-walkers will be allowed either an AR-15, or a lighter, yet smaller capacity semi-automatic handgun - depending on what the participants believe they need to defend against the random roving gangs. Water stations will also have cups full of re-loads and additional ammo.

4) Lastly (for now), all Gymnastics competitions will involve projectile vomiting (due to the unavoidable violent illnesses from the water and air), and athletes will be judged on distance, vocalizations, creativity and artistry (i don't know. I'm making this up as I go)

And now for the opening ceremony song, performed by

Duran Duran
His name was Bruno and he washed up on Rio sand
Just like that river with his torso and severed hand.
And when he bloats he really shows you all he can
Oh Rio, Rio dance across this filthy land.

...Let the Games Begin!!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Hillary's Biggest Crack

Glass platform in French Alps with the best view in Europe
On the top of Aiguille du Midi summit in French Alps sits the tallest tourist attraction in Europe – a glass skywalk called “Step into the Void”. 
In other news, Hillary is:

'biggest crack' in glass ceiling

What? Not a ceiling, but a floor? Tell that to the goats for the next several thousand feet. I don't know about you, but I hope she busts through.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Tooth Fairy Versus Easter Bunny

Parents coerce son to do chores with threatening letter from the Tooth Fairy

(Highlights mine)
Dear Elliot,

Thank you for the return of your fourth molar. Here is your payment upon receipts, the agreed-upon sum of $5.00.

By leaving your tooth out for one of our Tooth Adjusters, you, the toothee, have entered into a contractual obligation to perform measured work, herein known as chores.

Please see the attached addendum for an updated list of these chores.

We have been notified by your Parental Units that these obligations have frequently gone uncompleted, and often have to be requested multiple times before they are, in fact, done.

If these obligations are not fully completed, without demand, in the specified time frame (every day after school or camp), we will have no recourse but to repossess all of your remaining teeth, by force if necessary, with no repayment to you.

The most comfortable solution for all three parties involved (Tooth Adjusters, Toothee, and Parental Units) is for you, the toothee, to do your chores as expected, on time, every day.

Do not make us come and take your teeth.

Warm regards,

The Offices of Tooth and Fairy, LLC – Tooth Adjusters

Boy responds (not really, but he should) with threatening letter to mom from Easter Bunny

Monday, July 25, 2016

Democrat Convention Porta Potty Preview

Several hundred porta pottys have been shipped in to handle the numerous various number of genders and gender identities expected to attend the Democrat Convention in Philadelphia this week.
Word of caution... if you are a Androgine Bisexual Hermaphrofemale, DO NOT GO IN THERE!
If not for the courage of a fearless Hazmat Crew,
The convention would be lost.
The convention would be lost.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

"Because Hillary. Because the Court" - What was the question?

I will get back to the silly picture memes shortly, I just have a few more things to get off my chest.

I am told I have to vote for Trump because the next president will likely have several Supreme Court appointments, and we can't let Hillary pick 'em.  Democrat appointments are always political hacks and are used as sledgehammers against our country's foundation, and there isn't anyone more despicable than Crooked Hillary.  Hopefully, I have stated the argument accurately. I just disrespectfully disagree with the reasoning, and I'll tell you why in a minute if you hang in.

I got into a sort of verbal confabulatory fracas with an unnamed person over this very issue on golf league night last Thursday, breaking a self-imposed "no politics on the beer deck" rule, and much to the horror of the beer-swilling members. This anonymous person is an attorney by trade, so when the subject of Ted Cruz's speech from the prior night came up, he used the occasion to prosecute (insult) Cruz - pacing the beer deck and pleading his case that I had to hold my nose and vote for Trump now because of the high court stakes.

It got a little heated and the under-35 members scattered, presumably Bernie Sanders supporters who were triggered by the foreign concept of a 'moral dilemma' and needed to find a safe space. But then we drank beer, smoked cigars and played golf, so it ended up being fine.

I am reminded of a recent caller on Glenn Beck's program - He is a former Cruz supporter who has now pledged to vote Trump. His reasoning? He said something to the effect that, "With Hillary as president, I am 100% sure we are screwed. With Trump as president, I believe we are only 99% certain of getting screwed."

So if that's your position, I get it, really, I do. I just disagree, and here's why.

Since 1969 (47 years), Republicans have nominated 12 out of the total 16 justices during this span. That's 75% Republican nominees, folks. How has the culture rot treated since then? The way I see it, the culture vulture has been gorging himself on the roadside constitutional carcass and has almost picked that sucker clean.

Let's review.

President Richard M Nixon (Republican) had 4 appoints as follows: Warren E. Burger, Harry Blackmun, Lewis F. Powell, Jr. and William Rehnquist.

Grades: E, E, E, A

The Burger court was a complete disaster, with Berger, Blackmun and Powell all joining the majority in the court's landmark 1973 decision, Roe v. Wade, establishing women's constitutional right to have abortions. Rehnquist was the only dissenter of this Republican group (and the only one, coincidentally, not rotting in hell).

Next up, another Republican president. Now maybe we can get things back on track, right?

President Gerald Ford's (Republican) only selection was for John Paul Stevens. Really, dumbass?

Grade: E

President Jimmy Carter (Democrat) - Thank goodness there were no vacancies during Carter's malaise years, but brother Billy might have been a hoot. Couldn't be any worse Ford's pick.

President Ronald Reagan (Republican). The great Ronaldus Maximus! Now we're cooking with oil, right? Well, you'd think, but... Sandra Day O'Connor, Antonin Scalia, Anthony Kennedy (still swerving)

Grades: D, A, D

I feel like the D's for Sandy and Tony are probably a little "liberal" as they should probably be Es, but Reagan got it exactly right with the late Antonin Scalia, so I'm feeling magnanimous. BTW, Sandy thinks obama should pick the Scalia replacement.

President George H.W. Bush (Republican) selected David Souter and Clarence Thomas.

Grades: E, A

C'mon, Georgie! Only 50%? I love Thomas, but there is no helping the pathetic Souter.

President BJ Clinton (Democrat) nominates Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer both still haunting the court.

Grades: E, E

As expected, stopped clocks have better records than these two silly pieces of excrement.

President George W Bush (Republican) John G. Roberts and Samuel Alito.

Grades: E, A

Like father, like son with the 50%. Hey Roberts, thanks for obamacare you hack POS.

President Barack Obama (Democrat) Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan

Grades: E, E

The wise Latina and the vacant stare. By all means, let's give this Marxist president another "crack" at it.

So what is the final tally?

Republican nominees GPA: 6 Es, 2 Ds, 4 As (GPA 1.5, or a D+ cumulative)
Democrat nominees GPA: 4Es (GPA 0.0, a solid FAIL)

"So you admit that we have a better chance of getting a constitutional conservative and strict interpretationist with a President Trump!"

Do you?

In the unlikely scenario of Trump beating Hillary, he is going to need a packed senate in order to get an acceptable nominee through. When he was recently asked about the importance of Republicans holding the Senate, he said: I hope they do “but I don’t mind being a free agent, either”

The great deal-maker. Who do you see a President Trump making deals with, and do you really see the end result being any different than Hillary's? Because I don't. In fact, the end result would be much worse, buhleeeve me. Don't be angry with me. We seem to care about this issue way more than the actual Republican candidate.

Trump IS the candidate, correct? He has officially accepted the nomination - and the contentious internal campaign and in-fighting is finally over now, right? "Our" Republican candidate is now reaching out and trying to coalesce the party by fence-mending with Tea Party and Christian Constitutional conservatives, isn't THAT what we're seeing?

"What difference does it make?" Trump said of a hypothetical Cruz endorsement. "I don't want his endorsement. I don't want his endorsement. Ted, stay home, relax, enjoy yourself."

Trump even said he might start a super PAC to try to defeat Cruz if he attempts to run again in 2020.


Saturday, July 23, 2016

If "Wishes are dreams without feet," Then Nightmares are False Hopes With Tiny Baby Hands.

There is a minor, yet interesting character in Steven Jame's novel, Every Crooked Path named Lily. Lily is a 'starving actress' trying to break into this small fraternity.

"With casting calls during the day, she needed to work nights. But as she reminded herself all the time, this was only temporary, a stepping stone. She'd heard someone say once, "Wishes are dreams without feet." So this was her way of giving feet to her dreams."

I find it interesting that Lily never looks at herself as a prostitute, or at what she was doing as immoral. Rather, she was just practicing at her craft by playing a role for money. And it was "only temporary."

By the time she got to the driver's door, the guy had lowered his window. She leaned close. "Looking for a little companionship?"...
"May I ask how old you are?"
"How young do you want me to be?"...
"You could pass for sixteen."
"Sixteen it is, then."

While this scene plays out from Lily's perspective, the reader suspects full well that "the John" in the fancy Mercedes is a psychopath, and are thinking as they read the creepy passages, "DON'T GET IN THAT CAR!"

It's true that Lily is responsible for her own actions, and she has rationalized these as if she had a "binary choice." Either whore yourself or starve. It never seems to occur to her that she could support herself with a waitress job, or some other reputable form of employment while she pursued her life's goals. Sure, she wouldn't earn as much as she did by prostituting herself, and times might get tight - but at least she would keep her dignity and her morals.

But of course, she got in the car.

I don't want to give too much away, but you need to know that Lily ends up wearing a cheerleader costume while chained by the ankle in a dank basement while being filmed by child pornographer perverts who plan on Lily playing the starring role for their next internet snuff film. Finally, Lily breaks into the movie business!

You'll have to read the book to learn what happens next.

Lily reminds me of the average apprehensive Trump supporter, right down to the tight cheerleader costume and chained by the ankle in The Donald's cellar. Good luck with that.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Artificial Intelligence? I'd take a modicum of common sense conservative values.


Apparently there is an AI alternative? Maybe I won't have to write in my toaster.

Difficulty in Voting for Trump or Hillary? Elect an Artificial Intelligence for President

Hmmm. What do they say about programming and output? GARBAGE IN - TRUMP OUT? I don't trust "the machine." That's the definition of what being a kook democrat entails.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Cruz Fights For Future of Country, While the Trumpsters are Playing "Game of Thrones"

In his speech, Senator Ted Cruz congratulated Donald Trump on his victory and nomination then spoke eloquently of conservative values, staying true to the constitution and of freedom. These are concepts Trump himself never talks about, so you can somewhat understand the confused reaction from the Trumpsters who had just heard these concepts and values for the very first time.

"What is this C-O-N-S-T-i-T-o-o-, whaty? LYING TED!!, LYING TED!"

So what was it that got the entrenched establishment like the pouty Britt Hume fuming, and the fool populists like the Matt Drudges crying? Ted Cruz did not kiss The Donald's ring.

I knew he had hit it out of the park when the camera panned to the Trump kids, all sitting stoically in a row with stunned looks on their faces and their round pieholes in a kind of perpetual selfie duck face. We did get a slow clap out of one when Ted emphatically endorsed the wall. Other than that, there was no sign of life from the Donald's spawn.

I was tired so I retired to bed shortly after Ted's speech, but I had considered slamming several pots of coffee so that I could remain conscious in order to watch Britt Hume wring his hands in mock establishment outrage. Priceless!

I know I am living on a small and very sparsely populated conservative thought island. I get that most of my Republican friends, relatives and neighbors disagree with me. That's fine by me. I am not saying my opinion is any better than theirs (I'm just thinking it) and I still respect all of them (some of them). But trust me, we are going to need an actual conservative banner holder when the dust settles (if the dust settles) in order to clean this mess of from the progressives (or the populists).

We are going to need Ted Cruz when the Trump tower inevitably and necessarily crumbles.

And that's the memo.

THIS JUST IN: From The National Enquirer (Trump's super pac)