Wednesday, July 19, 2017

BAHHHHHH-d Boys, BAHHHHH-d Boys

Goat breaks into Colorado office
egged on by a bunch of 'kids'



"The goats escaped capture, leaving behind only a few pellets of poop."

BILLIE IS STILL AT LARGE!

Police sketch 

BE ON THE LOOKOUT for a gang of roving goat vandals (a/k/a democrats and RINOs). If you see an animal banging its head against a glass wall for more than an hour - you are probably one of only 3 known conservatives in Washington, D.C.

Meanwhile, informants in Colorado have been singing to the coppers

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Mid-Michigan Cryptid

I wish I had a coin of indeterminate value for every time I drove on an undisclosed Michigan road and came upon an unidentified beast.

by Cryptozoology News Mich. — A woman on Sunday said she spotted a humanoid in Oakland County. 20-year-old L.B. told Cryptozoology News she was driving on an undisclosed Michigan road when she came upon the unidentified beast. “I was driving and looked at the side of the road because I saw something large move,” the student reports about the mid-day encounter. “I noticed it right away.” The woman described the alleged humanoid as having a dog head and a man’s body. “It looked like a fit man, although covered slightly in hair. It had the head of a grey dog and was very tall,” she added. The creature, she explains, was “swaying back and forth”. “It was swaying strangely, like I have never seen a creature move before.” She provided the following sketch of the creature by using our online drawing tool contained within the report form.
I find this disturbing, as this Dogman creature was spotted in an adjacent county to the Chattering Teeth Bunker and based on the sketch - it appears he has stolen my gold-plated nipple rings.

I myself am not particularly superstitious. I've never thrown a pinch of salt over my shoulder after spilling it. Nutmeg works better in staving off evil spirits. I know it's counter-intuitive, but I've tried all the various spices when battling Mid-Michigan Cryptids.

So fellow Michiganders... be on the lookout for a dog-headed beast who smells of rot.

DISCLAIMER: This sentence link may have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of this post. Any similarities between this story link and the following random key strokes are purely coincidental.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Natalia, The Russian Plant

Now when I fondly think of house plants native to Russia, I will no longer think of the arctic moss Calliergon giganteum, but instead will think of Natalia.

Russia Plants

Arctic Moss
The Calliergon giganteum grows in the arctic tundra which is a harsh cold environment in the Northern Hemisphere within the arctic circle.

Labrador Tea
The Labrador tea plant grows to be 4 to 5 feet. It will grow up straight in the southern latitudes of the tundra, but in the colder northern latitudes it will creep over the ground forming a carpet.

Natalia Plant
The Natalia Veselnitskaya is the most talked about Russian house plant and is said to be from a shell office in Moscow. Initially denied an entry visa into the United States in 2016 before Obama's DOJ allowed her in. Now she is a favorite plant among the liberal media and Hollywood elite who are drawn to the fruit of this poisonous tree. The Natalia Veselnitskaya Plant does not do well in direct sunlight and prefers the darkened recesses and shade provided by Obama's Ambassador to Russia. The plant florishes in "promising Hilery dirt" but can lead to a slinging of mud, according to the mainstream plant media. 

The name "Natalia Veselnitskaya" is derived from an old slavic (not really) anagram (really!) meaning "A Inanely Talkative Ass".

Note: I would have said, "An Inanely..." but anagrams don't lie.

lacking significance, meaning, or point : silly inane comments.
Inane | Definition of Inane by Merriam-Webster

CHATTERING TEETH EXCLUSIVE!!!
Just released video of the meeting between Donald Trump Jr and the Natalia Veselnitskaya Plant!

Carnivorous Plants from Seth Boyden on Vimeo.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Barron Colludes With Russian Cartoons

Fist, Donald Trump Jr. is reported to have met with a Russian lawyer in hopes to secure information on Hilery (sic), and now Barron Trump is said to have suspicious Russian ties.


Did Boris and Natasha actually deliver on compromising information about moose and squirrel - or did Barron's secret service agents, Rocky and Bullwinkle, change the channel?! Stay tuned to CNN! 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Did Obama Steal Alaskan Baby & Sell on Black Market For Reefer Money?

‘Oh my God, it is Obama’

Jolene Jackinsky was at Anchorage International Airport on Monday looking for an airline when she ended up in a waiting area for private flights where a man she thought looked like Obama was sitting.

 “As I got closer, I thought: Oh my God, it is Obama,” she recalled Friday from Newhalen, a small Alaska village where she’s vacationing.

Obama then walked up to her and...

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRESSIVELY HEARTWARMING BLOG POST WITH AN EMERGENCY DISCLAIMER FROM YOUR BLOG HOST EXTRAORDINAIRE:

Dear Reader(s), I must admit to not reading the rest of this linked article beyond what I've block quoted? above. You may feel free to click the link and continue this 'feel-good' story, but I caution you that you are likely to become dumberer for it, as it is posted on one of those mainstream fake news sites called the Washington (com)post.

For the smarterer readers who may have a macabre curiousity regarding this interraction between an Alaskan native and our marxist former president - here is how I imagine this to have played out.

JOLENE: Oh my God, it is Obama!

(Obama then walked up to her and said:)

OBAMA: You had me at 'Oh my God'. No sense being redundantly repetitive.

JOLENE: Got it. So where is the wife, Michelle?

OBAMA: She went to load my luggage and golf clubs in the Caddy's trunk and is pulling around to the front.

JOLENE: She's not really traveling with you, is she?

OBAMA: No she is not. As the former leader of the semi-free world, I just didn't want to seem so pathetic sitting here in an airport lobby by myself like some kind of creeper. Who is this pretty girl? (ripping the 6-month-old baby from her mother's grasp)

JOLENE: Her name is Giselle.

OBAMA: Not anymore. She will be called "Denalia" from here, on. It's just a thing with me to re-name stuff while I'm here in Alaskastan.

(When Denalia’s father approached, Obama joked, “I’m taking your baby.”)

WE INTERRUPT THIS DISTURBING RE-ENACTMENT TO VOICE DOUBT THAT OBAMA WOULD ACTUALLY TELL THIS FATHER THAT HE WAS "TAKING" HIS BABY (BUT THIS IS WHAT MY CHANNELING SKILLS ARE TELLING ME... MAYBE I'M GETTING RUSTY?)

JOLENE: My baby Giselle... errr... I mean baby Denalia was calm and content during the brief encounter. I think she experienced a 'contact high'.

“I think it’s unreal and pretty exciting that I get to have a picture with him and my baby,” she said. “Not a lot of people get to meet him.” I'll miss my little Denalia, but I can always have another baby.

THE END



Friday, July 7, 2017

My Imaginary Pocket Therapy animal Reads the News

If you're like me, you never leave home without your imaginary comfort therapy-pet and the soothing reassurance they provide in an otherwise crazy world. I suffer from post-traumatic fake news disorder, and Chekhov helps me work through the anxiety.

So if my pocket buzzes, it's not a cell phone on vibrate - that's just Chekhov. He hates it when my imaginary friends and disembodied voices in my head call him a squirrel. Chekhov is actually a black-capped marmot and a species of rodent indigenous to Russia.

I'm hoping Chekhov's Russian heritage will provide added insight and assuage my fears for today's events. Talk to me, Chekhov!

CHEKHOV: I know vat is on your mind. President Trump wisit to Varsaw, Poland, vith his vife Melania and first daughter Iwanka. His speech vas most excellent in promoting vestern walues. "The Vest vill newer be broken!".

BLADE: NO, that's not it. I agree that was terrific. It's today in Germany and the G-20 summit that...

CHEKHOV: Don't vorry! Trump vill body-slam the wiolent anti-capitalists protestors and pummel them about their faces until they vun back to their willages. 

BLADE: No, no... I'm concerned about Trump's first meeting with Putin.

CHEKHOV: Who, Wadimir? If he meets Trump and Wadimir is not vearing a shirt, Trump vill give him a double titty tvister, and vestling style scissor kick takedown!

BLADE: I feel much better now. But what about North Korea?

CHEKHOV: Vat? You vorried Kim Jung Un inwented Nuclear wessels? He vill be wictim to Trump's wery wiolent vlesting body-slam and pummeling. Kim Jung Un vill be so wery vasted, his generals vill need wacuum cleaner to pick up vat is left of him.

BLADE: Got it. I'm good now. Take these wegetables and get back in my pocket. We really need to get you an imaginary speech therapist for that irritating impediment.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

The Underground Beer Pipeline - One Giant Leap For Mankind

With the explosion of fake news stories all over the place, I'm really a 'spectacle' (but hopeful) about the following story's trooofiness:

There's a 2-mile pipeline running under the city of Bruges, and it's filled with beer
Bruges is a medieval city and millions of tourists pass through each year, crowding the narrow streets and making transporting the beer from the brewery to the bottling plant very difficult, according to CNN Money.

The solution? A pipeline that flows underground from the brewery to the bottling plant. There, it finishes its second fermentation before being bottled. It's believed this is the first legal beer pipeline, and it's been designed to keep the quality of the beer in mind.


Hmmm... Having lived in and around the City of Flint all my life, my brain is so sodden with poisonous lead deposits that my gray matter likely resembles a 10 lb. tip of a giant #2 pencil. But if this is true?   If BEER can be transported in UNDERGROUND LINES and arrive at it's destination UNCONTAMINATED? Maybe.... JUST MAYBE this advanced technology could be used for the dispersal of safe WATER to homes?

NAH... that's just a pipe dream.

ANd nOw tHiS:
The 12th century French philosopher Bernard of Chartes is attributed with the famous quote, “We are like dwarves perched on the shoulders of giants, and thus we are able to see more and farther than the latter.”

But it is this century's great American philosopher Homer Simpson who said, "Mmmm, beeer!"

I have no idea what Bernard was charting about, but I am picking up what that Homer fella is laying down. This beer pipeline in Bruges is 2 miles long, but it is only 100 feet from my garage refrigerator to poolside in the back yard at the Chattering Teeth Bunker. I should have this trenched out by the July 4th holiday, and then... Mmmmm, beer. Hey! Who invited the dwarves?

Happy 4th of July!



Friday, June 30, 2017

Thursday, June 29, 2017

CNN EXCLUSIVE: YELLOWSTONE DELICIOUS!



(CNN) - Unnamed and anonymous sources are telling CNN reporters that waffle batter, maple syrup and butter are likely underneath the Yellowstone volcano, and if it blows, it would cover the entire United States in deliciousness. The source of the hotspot is now thought to be a gigantic waffle iron.

The Yellowstone volcano has exploded in the past, and CNN scientist reporters now say that the high-fat breakfast waffles likely killed the dinosaurs from arteriosclerosis and heart disease.

NEXT WEEK: Large Donut Asteroid Hurtling Toward Planet

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

CNN - "News In, News out"

So epic...

Undercover Video: CNN Producer Says #TrumpRussia Hoax Is 'Mostly Bull****'

Most people don't understand the complexities of running a huge, fancy 'news' gathering operation like CNN. 
STEP 1: NEWS GATHERING
A seemingly inexhaustible number of sources dump their stories at CNN headquarters 24/7!
  
STEP 2: NEWS SORTING AND PRIORITIZING
An army of reporters and editors tirelessly paw through the raw information looking for anything that might drive ratings for their indoctrinated and clueless audience.
STEP 3: ARCHIVING
Hey, you never know when you might need to tap that old propaganda again!
BONIFIELD: I love the news business, but I’m very cynical about it and at the same time so are most of  my colleagues. I’m not alone.... 

I sit in the running shower while sobbing and hugging my knees cuz I just can't seem to wash this stink off...

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

DaBlade on a Plane

20-pound live lobster found in luggage at Boston airport

BOSTON (AP) — The Transportation Security Administration says a 20-pound (9-kilogram) live lobster has been spotted in a passenger's luggage at Boston's Logan International Airport. TSA spokesman Michael McCarthy says the lobster found Sunday in the passenger's checked luggage at the airport's Terminal C is the "largest" he's ever seen... McCarthy says the lobster was in a cooler and "cooperated quite nicely with the screening process."
Thankfully, the giant stick of butter perp was released after greasing several TSA hands and was on his way.

Monday, June 26, 2017

SHOCKING! Justice Kennedy Retiring in Middle of the Road?

Will Justice Anthony Kennedy announce his retirement today (or this week)?

Margaret Thatcher is quoted as saying, “Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.”  She, of course, was alluding to the wishy-washy, half-baked ideological centrists and not about homeless former moderate senile justices who wander in traffic.

 Kennedy has always been known as the "swing vote" on contentious high-profile cases when the court has been split between those who have a fit of inspiration to follow the Constitution and the cRa CrA's on the left. In rare cases, Kennedy would side with the conservative wing, but more often than not was a cheerleader for the social justice warrior leftist 'progressives'.

 “The cases swing, I don’t,” he once said. I don't know what that means (except that Kennedy is a closet crack smoker), but all us conservatives can agree that Kennedy is the late, Great President Reagan's biggest "swing and a miss."

 In fairness to the Great Ronald Reagan, back in those days it was deemed necessary to nominate a judge with a very limited and uncontroversial record for any hopes of securing the three-fifths vote required for confirmation. Apparently, Kennedy was an unknown even to Reagan.

 President Trump is no longer constrained by that nonsense, as the so-called 'nuclear option' is already a precedent with the Neil Gorsuch confirmation. Gorsuch was a gimmee for Trump, as he replaced the dependable conservative Scalia. If Trump gets to replace the limp-wristed Kennedy - and he does so with a REAL CONSTITUTIONAL conservative? - now THAT would TRULY BE WINNING. 

And that's the memo.

 Now this (faux news):

 Justice Kennedy is not only known as the "swing vote", he is also known in his circle as the "Wild and crazy SCHWING vote". The late Antonin Scalia is known to have had a platonic friendship with the ideological opposite and mental inferior Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but does Kennedy have an inappropriate physical relationship with the Notorious RBG?

 His inside knowledge of her nightly habits suggests that he does. 

 "She's a real babe," Kennedy tells CT News. "I found it real sexy how she would slump over in her chair and snore during presidential speeches or when we were in session and hearing a very important case. I later learned that the reason she slept during work all day was because she stayed awake all night," he *winked*.

At first, I thought Ruthy was a narcoleptic who suffered from insomnia. Turns out she's just nocturnal due to the bat blood infusions she takes every night. Why do you think she has lasted so long? 

THE END

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Johnny Depp and Kathy Griffin are like a lunch of Braunschweiger and New Coke

Have you ever sworn off a business or a product in the past because of a bad experience or poor customer service? Did you keep your promise?

I don't mean a vow involving a product like New Coke, Braunschweiger or any kind of Miller beer. I mean for something (or somewhere) that you really enjoyed in the past, and leaving them would be a personal sacrifice of some magnitude.

The good folks in the office where I work like to order lunch from different area restaurants, then send one person to do the pickup. "Do you want something from (fill in the blank)?," they'll ask, as lunch time looms near. I never eat takeout at lunch (and rarely ever), and just snack on whatever the wife packed for for me at my desk.

That doesn't stop them from politely asking, so a few months back I was asked, "Do you want something from Red Lobster?"

Maybe I was a little too spirited in my response, which is typically, "no, thank you," but this time was something like, "F&*% NO! I WON'T EVER GO TO THAT PIECE OF S#$% ^&*&ing GARBAGE RESTAURANT EVER AGAIN!"

I then had to explain my outburst and that I had sworn off of The Red Lobster about 30-some years ago (no shit) because of verrrry poor customer service two trips in a row. I had no illusions that my self-imposed boycott would in any way negatively affect The Red Lobster's business, I just knew that I wouldn't personally reward them with my business and that was good enough for me.

So I ask again -
Have you ever sworn off a business or a product in the past because of a bad experience or poor customer service?

I tend to keep my promises on such matters. Also on my short Black List is the so-called Farmer's Market in downtown Flint, but I've already told that story.

In fact, I have only been to downtown Flint twice (unavoidable) since early 2010 when I was terminated from that failed ^&*&ing GARBAGE newspaper.

One exception might be my backing off from a promise to stop going to Target after that whole bathroom confusion thing. However, it's just too convenient from my place of work when I need a can of mixed nuts (no pun intended - this is really why I go there).

Which brings us to the so-called actor Johnny Depp and his recent threat against President Trump.

"When was the last time an actor assassinated a president? I want to clarify: I'm not an actor. I lie for a living, however, it's been a while. Maybe it's about time."

Mr. Depp, I agree. You are no actor, and therefore you have made my list. Although, I must say - this isn't a huge sacrifice as you are closer to "New Coke". As I scan you body of work on IMBD, I am hard pressed to find more than a couple of movies any good. So, no big loss.

Hey, 'Blade, you are such a hypocrite! The majority of Hollywood and the music industry are libs and you still watch their movies and listen to their music!

Yes, but its MY list, and I can put any 'thing' or any 'body' on it I want. Besides, Depp distinguished himself much like that red-haired biotch Kathy Griffin. They have crossed the line for those of us desiring to live in a civil society.

In all honesty, I did like that first Pirates movie, but could never watch any of the others in their muddled and confused entiriety. Also, his portrayal of Jack Sparrow as a gay pirate wore thin quickly with me. Seriously, the effeminate bandana and black eyeliner, braided wispy goatee and dreadlocks riddled with wooden pandora beads...

Pirate?  That's no pirate. More like 'Pyrite,' or fool's gold. More like a pitch man for Target.


Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Man-made Global Summer Solstice

Today is the summer solstice, the unofficial first day of summer and the longest day of the year. I don't know about you, but I plan on spending my extra sunlight researching ways to combat this celestial annual scourge, and how to punish and ostracize the Man-made Global Summer Solstice deniers.

"DaBlade, what is this summer soul sista of which you speak, and what does 'Itchi gitchi ya ya da da' even mean?"
Not 'soul sista', you marmalade maroon. Solstice! And it is when the face of the Earth experiences maximum incline toward the sun. More sun might sound just peachy at first blush, but somewhere in the arctic (where the sun will not set at all) sits a lone polar bear on a melting iceberg - AND HE FEELS DIFFERENTLY, I assure you!

You see, Rusty, Earth tilts on it's axis while orbiting around the sun like an Irishman teetering home after a long night of too many pints at the pub.

"Go home, Earth. You're drunk."

The Earth is drunk, indeed. The deniers would have you believe the Earth's wobble was caused by our planet colliding with some other massive object billions of years ago, back when it was still being formed. Now THAT is FAR-FETCHED! The Earth started wobbling in 2008 with election of Barack Obama.

Insisting that man is not the cause of the Earth tilting is like stating that man isn't in charge of the weather or of the climate. PREPOSTEROUS! like somehow the climate has magically always changed.

"So how, then, does man cause this wobble?"


It is caused by fossil fuels.

Specifically, the wobble is caused by irregular placements of crude oil, coal and natural gas in the ground. The only solution to stop this tilt is by evening out the Earth's weight.

"Redistribution of fossil fuel wealth?"

Exactly! By the redistribution of fossil fuels through capitalist incentives involving drilling, fracking, mining, etc., to refining facilities and then distributed to homes and cars and cities, we can even out the planet's weight and STOP THE TILT!

I have also noticed a side-effect of the tilt, coupled with the centrifugal force of the Earth's rotation. These unnatural forces have inordinately displaced democrats and liberals of every ilk to both coasts. I theorize this to be due to a liberal's weightless environment that is their vacuous and foundation less intellect. They are as powerless as helium balloons in a windstorm against these forces.

Therefore, I propose relocating all liberals to the absolute geographic center of the contiguous United States, which apparently is some corn field in northern Kansas. Only then can we protect them by enclosing them in the safety of a large circular wall until we can stop the Earth from tilting and spinning.

Once the Earth is cured of this vertigo-inducing tilt and is sufficiently tidal locked, we can relocate the liberals to the perpetual dark side of the planet. Maybe THEN the state of Michigan will not have to pay for this extra sunshine with 9 months of steel gray overcast skies.

But until then, you can find me reading my Kindle in my pool while floating on a raft constructed of foam noodles.

"Hey sista, go sista, summer soul sista, go sista!"
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Happy Father's Day

Feeling nostalgic and missing my dad. Was going through old photos on the computer this morning and not intending to post anything, but ran across the following and it's too good not to share. I only wish it included my big sister (2nd in the birth order) and mom.

(See if you can spot your blog host in his 'yute'... 1967-ish?)
 Clue: Think "Lloyd Christmas" in Dumb and Dumber. Go ahead. Take your shots people :)

Lost my dad in early 1990, shortly after losing my baby brother sporting the PEANUTS sweatshirt. Miss them both but hope to see them again.

Need to get ready for noon Mass. My 2-month-old baby granddaughter is getting baptized today!! God is good!... ALL THE TIME.