Friday, March 23, 2018

Nation struck down in road by self-driving Congress Omnibus

Now the experts are saying the crash video shows Uber's failure tp protect pedestrian.

As for the headline, all I will say is that this $1.3 trillion omnibus shows the republicans have failed to protect this nation, and we will crash. Hard.

Now back to the uber...
Had I been driving down this dark road when this poor lady suddenly appeared in my headlights while walking her bicycle left-to-right across the road, I believe she would be alive today. Maybe there wouldn't have been time to break completely, but jerking the wheel to the right would likely have been enough to avoid hitting her. I know for a FACT that I wouldn't have been texting while driving, since I don't own a phone.

I'm not sure what the human back-up driver was doing, but the dash cam shows this individual gazing down and distracted by something. Their navel maybe? I don't know, but they never look at the road for the several seconds of the video. Nothing bothers me more than when I am watching a show on television and the scene involves a driver and passenger(s) talking while driving. The actors never seem to look at the road, and I yell out loud sometimes for them to, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" or "WATCH THE ROAD, YOU IDIOT!"  My wife will attest to that, as she calms me down by gently reminding me that the actors are not really driving the stationary fake car in front of a studio blue screen. And we miss the dialog from the scene completely, so I hope that wasn't important.

But can't blame the person. They had been conditioned to believe they were a passenger so they acted like it. I may not be the best passenger while my wife is driving, but I don't watch the road 100% of the time. Maybe 99.9%, and I constantly criticize and stomp on a non-existent brake on the passenger floor board. My wife loves it when I drive...

In conclusion, I will never trust a driver-less car. They may be safer than people. Logically I could be convinced of that, especially since I lost a brother to a drunk driver. However, I always drive defensively and assuming every other car on the road is manned by an idiot who is either drunk or texting or will otherwise do the wrong thing. Once the road is filled with (almost) flawless self-driving cars - we will let our guards down and gaze at our own navels. Once that happens, a smudge of dirt on the outside proximity camera may be our doom.

The only self driving cars I like are the old Matchbox and Hotwheels toy cars from my youth.

The Hot Wheels Court is now in session.

Despite a strong defense by the Lincoln Lawyer, the 1969 Pontiac GTO Judge threw the manual book at the autonomous Uber, and the Volvo XC90 SUV has been sentenced to drive the Green Mile.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Holder is an Asparagus, Part Deux

Former Attorney General Eric Holder to Sessions: Just say no

“You're the attorney general of the United States. You run the damn Justice Department. You know? And you’ve got to have the guts to look at the president every now and again and say 'no.'"

Excuse me... Are there IRS agents targeting tea party groups in my teeth? I did some Fast & Furious tooth brushing, but it still feels like I have some fully armed Mexican Drug Cartels in there. Tell me the truth, do I have a few stalks of dead and abandoned U.S. diplomats in my teeth? You should not assume that is not a big deal to me. I think that it was inappropriate, I think it was unjust. But never think that was not a big deal to me.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Fake Mews

United Airlines flight diverted after third pet incident in a week

Captain Kitteh? Is that you? Well, this explains everything.

"This is your captain speaking. Please make sure all dogs are stowed in the airtight overhead bins."

"Let's not make a meowntain over a molehill," purred United Airlines pilot Captain Kitteh. "Nobody wants to avoid another catastrophe more than meeeeow. Rest assured, we will deal harshly with any copycat purrpatrators."

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Yellow Journalism

So how DOES the King of Prussia like his eggs? 

This is no yoke. A semi-truck carrying liquid egg yolk turned over-easy on a Pennsylvania highway yesterday, causing emergency response to border scramble to the scene.

Whether the driver was Pickled, Poached or just Deviled, we may never know eggsactly, but he was heard slurring that the, "quiche were still in the eggnition... urrrp."

We also don't know if the roads were greasy, but the driver was thought to be cooking his way to the Shell station.

Omelette you talk now...

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

National school walkout: What you need to know

If you're a student in high school and are planning to take part in the National School Walkout today, there is something you really ought to know. Today's date is March 14th and has always been known as Pi Day. What is a Pi Day? I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with math.

Perhaps more frightening than that is the fact that the symbol for Pi resembles a Tec 9 pistol with a banana clip, and 'guns bad'. 

I thought we had finally abolished all math symbols after that student in Louisanna caused such a ruckus after noticing that the square root symbol resembled a gun. Apparently not. The struggle against math and its evil symbols continues.

Listen, I have no problem with young folks wanting to honor those killed in the massacre at the Parkland high school earlier this year, nor  protesting gun violence. But the way you are going about this is 'Bass Aackwards'. If you want to honor those students, do something they no longer can by staying in class until the final bell. And you are against gun violence? GREAT! Then stand up for the 2ND Amendment and call for an end to these ridiculous so-called 'gun-free zones'. 

What exactly is a gun-free zone? As President Trump calls them, they are “candy for bad people”. Does anyone really believe that putting up a sign will stop a mentally disturbed individual? That doesn't even work for the bathrooms at Target.
So what if the students walk out of school today wearing orange and calling for gun control? I certainly won't judge them harshly. If I were a student today, I'd probably join them for the same wrong reasons. That's just part of being young. It is only through age and experience that one can hope to shed the chains of indoctrination forged by our public school system.

Instead, I blame the adults from my generation and prior ones who have created or allowed this environment of ignorance to take root. Just look at what we do to our kids after high school. We send them off to colleges and universities only to come out four short years later as marxists or socialists who hate our country's founding principles and reject their own faith. Their new 'belief' system is reinforced by their only source of news between CNN, twitter and Jimmy Kimmel.

*Stay in school.

*Embrace freedom.

*Question everything - Except your 'gender'. Check your plumbing if you're still confused. It's one or the other and not a multiple choice.

McDonald's has done it again. Last week, participating 'Virtue Signalling' restaurants flipped their arches upside down in honor of International Women's Day. Today, they have flipped it on its side to honor Albert Einstein, born On March 14, 1879. Einstein is best known for his wild white mane and maybe some math stuff I think. Apparently, McDonalds did not get the memo regarding the new math-free zones.


More on Pi Day, a day set aside by math nerds who love a number a smidgen over '3' with an infinitely huge tail (no, not Kim Kardashian's IQ). 

Monday, March 12, 2018

Lower Michigan Target For Free-Falling Chinese Space Station?

Will the free-falling 8.5 ton Chinese space station crash into lower Michigan? Experts say that the state falls among 'the highest probability'
An out-of-control Chinese space station with 'highly toxic' chemicals onboard that is currently hurtling toward earth may crash into lower Michigan, it has been revealed. 

It is believed China's first prototype station, Tiangong-1, will come crashing back to the planet around April 3, experts say. 

US research organization Aerospace Corporation revealed that parts of southern Lower Michigan are among the regions that have the highest probability of being hit by falling debris, according to

So let me get this straight. President Trump threatens to impose tariffs on Chinese steel and aluminum imports, and now coincidentally, 'it just so happens' that 8.5 tons of Chinese steel and aluminum will soon be crashing down on top of my head? THANKS TRUMP!

While there is said to be a high margin of error in this prediction (give or take a week and on the opposite side of the planet), I am convinced that the exact time of this crash landing will be high noon on April 3rd, and the crash site will be in my back yard.

So-called 'experts' at Aerospace Corp would have me believe that, "the probability that a specific person will be struck by Tiangong-1 debris is about one million times smaller than the odds of winning the Powerball jackpot." I bet these dudes don't live in mid-Michigan. And I've never won the lottery, which by my calculation virtually guarantees I'll be struck.

Another stated, 'Only one person has ever been recorded as being hit by a piece of space debris and, fortunately, she was not injured.' I bet she would have rather won the lottery, and I assume this crashed satellite was not full of 'highly toxic' chemicals. Of course, I've been drinking Flint water all my life, so a little hydrazine in my swimming pool doesn't scare me. Bring it on Xi Jinping!

Some might accuse me of being a narcissistic pessimist by assuming the falling Chinese space station known as the 'heavenly palace' is targeting me. I don't consider myself a pessimist, but a paranoid realist. The glass is neither half empty nor half full... but chock full of lead, coliform bacteria and other toxic disease-carrying pathogens.

Besides, the lower peninsula of the great state of Michigan resembles a 277 x 195-mile catcher's mitt from space, and opening day is less than 3 weeks away. Where else would Xi try to send a fastball by us?

But I have a plan. It's been awhile since I mailed a letter of such import that it shaped humanity for the better, but I believe now is the time once again...

Dear Elon,
May I call you mister Musk? Sir, I know you are a busy dude building rockets and batteries and digging tunnels and all, but I have the most most urgent need for the use of your car. Specifically, that Tesla Roadster that your boy Starman is tooling around the solar system in...

and the rest, as they say, will be history.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

FLINT TOWN - Netflix Original (A convoluted review by this Flintoid)

The wife and I just finished watching the recently released 8th and final episode of the docu-series, Flint Town on Netflix last night. I give it 8 spent bullet casings out of 9. Why not out of an even 10? Because my M&P Shield 9mm extended clip is only single stack for low profile, so 8+1 in the chamber. That's plenty of rounds to rate a show.

Since the wife and I consider ourselves 'Flintoids' born and raised, we may have a slight bias. Also, I was very close to following in my father's footsteps and becoming a Flint cop when I applied for one of about a dozen advertised positions at the tender age of 23 yrs old in 1984. When I told the chief during my interview why I wanted to be a cop, he then asked me, "well then why did you just finish college with a degree in business?" I didn't get the job when I couldn't explain this apparent contradiction. I was hired full time shortly thereafter by the local newspaper as a district manager. As I watched Flint Town, I couldn't help but think, "what if" and how different my life would have turned. I'm happy how that turned out (I think) but I know I would have been a good cop.

Flint Town is chock full of familiar faces and places. During one of the earlier episodes involving a crime scene at The Evergreen Regency apartments, I was reminded of the numerous times between the mid-80's and 90's of delivering newspapers and recruiting for new route carriers in that complex. Trust me, it was a violent place even back then and I could never seem to keep a good carrier on that route. This was back when the weekday newspapers were delivered in the afternoon, so it was always a little crowded between the apartment buildings as I walked passed with a bag of newspapers and wearing a goofy non-threatening grin on my face in hopes of avoiding conflict. By the way, it is considered bad luck to step on a body chalk line or to walk under yellow police tape - just sayin'.

"Who wants to earn some money by delivering this route, collecting from half the customers who will actually answer their door and pay for their subscription, and not paying me next week when I stop by your apartment in an attempt to collect the weekly wholesale bill from you and end up having to take over the deliveries myself again until I can find another carrier?," I never actually asked (but thought).

But I digress. I will do that on occasion, as this is my review. Now back to the show...

I stated that Flint Town is also chock full of familiar faces. Most notable is Officer Bridgette, the daughter of an ex-coworker from the newspaper, and in my opinion is the star of the show. Her relationship with a fellow officer is also featured and a thread throughout. The juxtaposition of a beautiful, young woman - albeit tough - against the mean streets of Flint is very compelling.

Flint Town is not just a redux of old COPS shows (Bad boys, bad boys Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do When they come for you) with a collection of chases, arrests, blood, bodies and murder (and shirtless perps with pants at their knees) - though there is much of that. Instead, we are shown the city through the eyes of a collection of Police officers - from veterans on the force, to newly hired rookies like Dion and his mother.

The series deals mostly with the woefully understaffed police department as it relates to the community and the politicians, with an overlay of a violent urban environment and the longstanding water crisis in Flint. If that's not enough to digest, the series is shot during the calendar year of 2016 when police officers increasingly became targets of ambush and execution, including the Dallas sniper who killed 5 officers. 2016 just so happens to also be a very important election year, both locally (police funding on the ballot) as well as nationally with the presidential election. We get the officer's reactions to all of this. Not surprisingly, the department is a microcosm of society as a whole, and mostly separates by racial lines on these issues.

As a side note (told you) My wife was selected for jury duty last year in a week-long trial involving a murder occuring in 2016. I was watching for any mention of this crime, either through the occasional scanner and 911 calls, news broadcast or crime scene video. It didn't make the cut.

Interspersed are cut scenes of interviews with some of the officer's spouses, and the mix of pride and worry that goes with that territory. I am reminded of seeing my mother (during my childhood in the 60's and 70's) sitting at the kitchen table with only the glow of her cigarette to illuminate her worried face as she listened to the police scanner sitting on the counter next to the toaster for updates after my dad was called in to work due to the latest homicide. I never really worried because I knew my father was bullet-proof.

This Netflix original series was very well done. The images were both simultaneously beautiful and repugnant. One minute, you as the viewer are watching a pretty TV personality with a news update, the next scene might be a blazing vacant house fire or the scene of another shooting. I also found the politics between the police chief, the mayor and city council interesting.

Flint Town on Netflix

I've said it before and I'll say it again:
Flint, like all cities, has always had a violent under-belly. There were plenty of violent criminals for my father to apprehend back in the 60s and 70s when GM still employed 80,000 or so folks here. I remember waking up to a ringing telephone in the middle of the night on many occasions in my youth, each call announcing yet another murder requiring my father's 38 and trench coat. The premise that the violence was born from GM leaving is false. Case in point, the picture (below) of my dad nonchalantly leaving a murder scene circa 1971.

Flint Journal photo by Barry Edmonds. Det. Sgt. Carlson and his visibly shaken partner exit the scene of the latest Flint homicide on November 30, 1971. 

As for Flint, I'm here for better or for worse. Most of my family and friends live in and around it. My roots are here, and it DOES have some fantastic sights and ammenities. Some say the very BEST Trauma centers too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if cities were amusement park rides, you can keep your carousel. Give me the exhilarating experience of the roller coaster, as it crests the apex moments before a hair-raising plunge. Or the unexpected twists and turns and gravity-defying loops. Oh sure, it will make you vomit occasionally, but you can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs. And with that, I'll leave you to your breakfast, as I think I hear my crack dealer at the door.

I don't know if this is true, but I heard Netflix was interested in picking up another season but was rejected by the chief and/or mayor, who were upset that Netflix would not comply with their request to delete a few scenes they found objectionable from this original 8 episodes. If true, that's too bad. I would have definitely tuned in for that.


Other Flint posts I like...
Flintown - South Side Style

Snyder Sends Emergency Water to Flint in Old Artillery Shells and Paint Cans

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Flippy the Burger Flipping Terminator

A burger-flipping robot named Flippy is now cooking up hamburgers at a fast food restaurant called Caliburger... Flippy uses thermal imaging, 3D and camera vision to sense when to flip - and when to remove... The device also learns through artificial intelligence - basically, the more burgers that Flippy flips, the smarter it gets.

I don't know about you, but when I think of fast food workers, I think "artificial intelligence". So Flippy actually LEARNS? Well, WHO is actually doing the TEACHING?  How long before Flippy demands 15 bitcoins per hour? And if you insult him when placing your order, might you get a bolt burger with extra iron?

Flippy is out there, it cant be bargained with, it cant be reasoned with, it doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear, and it absolutely will not stop flipping the patties...EVER, until your burger is perfect.

(WARNING - self-promoting 'best of' link forthcoming) 
After work, Flippy just likes to relax by Playing Basketball With Gang Bangers... 

"He couldn't jump, but he couldn't be stopped in the paint either. Not that he needed any layups. He was launching bombs from all over the court," said one winded gang banger through his bandana. "I'm like, 'hands up, don't shoot,' and 'I can't breathe,' but that mo fo just be drillin' it on us all day long!"

The final score - the police bomb robot 11, the BLM gang 0, but nobody seemed to care, as there were smiles and healing taking place in a community desperately in need of both.


Monday, March 5, 2018

My Trip To Jupiter

Dear Blog,

I'm back. I've been gone for a little over a week and I come home to find my blog in disarray (Was it Ed who ate all of my Cap'n Crunch?) and my stockpile of Night Train Express fortified wines have all been consumed (You let Kid wander around in here, didn't you?)... At least you left the Nighttime grape-flavored Nyquil, and really - what's the diff after a week of enjoying Caymus Cab?

It's a little bit of a rough landing to be back home in Michigan after a week+ at my bro-in-law and his wife's home in Jupiter, Florida (I LOVE you guys SO much), but one can only take so much clear skies and warm sun in February before missing the overcast steel gray mid-Michigan dome and temps alternating between chilly and bitter cold for this time of year.

And really, what's the difference between drinking my morning coffee from in or next to the backyard pool/spa overlooking the huge pond full of Anhingas, egrets, herons, cranes and other weird tropical Florida bird species, as well as turtles, fish and their very own 7-foot pond 'gator (who had a habit of eye-balling me from the shoreline) - OR - watching an overweight squirrel in my leafless hibernating Maple tree stealing seed meant for Michigan's own brown and drab sparrows from my window?

In all seriousness, the restaurants down here are to die for, and another week down there and I fear I would have needed a motorized wheelbarrow to get around. I love stopping by either the Square Grouper Tiki Bar on the inlet and just drinking an IPA while watching the Pelicans pimp on the peer, or at the beach-side bar at the Jupiter Beach Resort eating fish tacos (and yes, drinking more beer) while listening to the gal playing the guitar and singing Margaritaville.

But alas, as they say, all good things must come to an end. Even eventually cabin fever. And I don't have to slow down for the gate to open to allow ingress to my subdivision (THAT is an extra 3 1/2 minutes over the course of the year, so there is that).

(Below) A relaxing boat ride before dinner at the U Tiki Beach Jupiter Inlet Marina. We didn't see any Manatees (oops, sorry! I meant to say 'mammal-atees' - don't mean to offend any feminist sea cows) - but we did spot former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted practicing in his backyard as we cruised by.

PICTURED left to right: Just some IPA beer-drinking beach bum, the beautiful Mrs. 'Blade, Kristi and Bernie. Thanks again for a fantastic getaway and opening your home to us. You guys are the best! 

(for now)

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Lauren Duca - the Newhouse Family's Golden Goose

Teen Vogue’s Lauren Duca rips ‘evil’ Rev. Billy Graham: ‘Have fun in hell’
A controversial Teen Vogue columnist known for throwing verbal bombs has topped herself with an especially vile tweet about beloved evangelist Billy Graham, who died Wednesday at 99.

“The big news today is that Billy Graham was still alive this whole time. Anyway, have fun in hell, bi--h,” Lauren Duca tweeted.

Duca went on to say “’Respecting the dead’ only applies to people who weren’t evil pieces of sh-t while they were living.”

This is not the first outrageous and despicable utterance from this pile of human debris' piehole. In fact, I am not aware of anything she has ever offered of value - and yet she continues to be employed. Just who are these "hands off" owners?

Teen Vogue is a sister publication to Vogue. It is published under the Condé Nast umbrella, which is owned by the Newhouse family and Advance Publications.

The Newhouse family once offered the following job security pledge.

"We provide job security to all full-time, salaried employees who are not covered by a collective bargaining agreement. This means that no full-time, salaried employee will lose his job because of new equipment, technological advances or lack of work. Once you have satisfactorily completed a probationary period, you will become a permanent employee. Then, this unique job security pledge applies to you as long as you continue to perform your assigned tasks satisfactorily, do not engage in misconduct and this newspaper continues to publish."

Of course they found a loophole and terminated thousands of good, honest and hard working folks (and me) for a buck. Let's see how they handle this latest Lauren Duca tweet. I'm guessing she's safe.

No shame. No surprise.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Bump Stock Ban Leads To Affordable Tea In China

Trump's first move on gun control after the Florida shooting may not work

Well, we HAVE to do SOMETHING. I love the 2nd Amendment as much as the next lying politician, but we must give into emotion and crisis actors over logic, freedom and liberty if this problem is to be solved! Your 'thoughts and prayers' are not what's needed - rather you must cede all authority to the loving government and empower them to protect you. After all, we HAVE to do SOMETHING!

What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? I'll tell you...

1) Bump Stocks banned

2) The price of tea in China craters

3) Butterfly flaps it's wings in Madagascar

4) Hurricane in Atlantic

5) Swamp land Real Estate for sale in Florida

6) Progressives ratchet up attack on Second Amendment

In conclusion, I don't own a bump stock, nor do I have any desire to own one. Had bump stocks been banned prior to the Las Vegas shooter, it would not have stopped him from getting them or making his own. In fact, I've heard that one can mimic the action of a bump stock by simply inserting your thumb into your belt and the stock against your belly. The point is, this is nothing more than a magician's slight-of-hand and the next thing you know, there will be a knock on your door and a demand for your guns. Good luck with that, progressives. All that will be accomplished by the public school kids walking out and skipping a day of indoctrination is maybe a spike in test scores.


Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Olympic News

The first openly combustible bound bundle of sticks and twigs and a slang term for a cigarette skater have "come out" and medaled at Pyeongchang - proving that figure skaters don't have to be America-hating homosexuals.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Border Collie Security

Smart dogs. Peel away the diseased sheep from the pack. Herd them outside. Maybe they'll wander out into traffic.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018