Saturday, July 12, 2014

Will Denver bar owner sue obama?

Obama eating pizza, shooting pool and smoking choom in Denver

Last week, President Obama mocked Congress and taunted them with a dare to "sue me". However, it is a Denver bar owner, and not John Boehner, who may apparently be taking him up on that offer. The bar keep will not be suing obama for abuses of executive power and blatant usurping of the constitution, but rather for causing what he claims are $Trillions of Dollars in damage to his Pool Table.

This Chatteringteeth blog reporter went undercover at the Wazzup Bar & Grill to interview customers and bar staff a few days after Obama's pool table misadventures. Trying to blend in and not make a nuisance, I bellied up to the bar and ordered my usual, a Slippery Nipple in a dirty glass... with a miniature umbrella. Here are some of the highlight quotes from my visit:

Bartender: Yeah, I was workin' that night. Obama struts into the bar with a sizeable possee of dark suits and sunglasses with "High fives" and "Fist bumps." He is doing that mom-dance move of his, probably thinking he is really groovin' as he flails through the crowd looking like was having a walking seizure. One of the "suits" talks into his lapel and says, "the bear is loose". I don't know what the frank he's talking about, I just cleaned the men's john last week!

Waitress: One of the president's body guards ordered some pizza for the group, as they made their way to the back room pool table.

Bar Fly: I was sooo like, OHMIGOD! That's the president! I was sooo nervous, I was so like "Obama", "Obama..." I couldn't even remember his last name. "Hey, just what is Obama's last name?"

Pool Player #1: I was playing a game with a buddy when obama came up, put two quarters on the table rail and said, "Straight Ball is no longer allowed." Just kidding. Do you really think he put down those quarters?

Pool Player #2: I thought the dude was going to be able to play. I mean, I knew that when he threw a baseball, it looked more like a sissy slap. Same with a football. It's also common knowledge he can't play basketball or hit a free throw, even if an over seas diplomat's life depended on it. And bowling? Don't tempt obama to insult the Special Olympians on that again. 

Bartender: I told the fellas the other day that obama had been playing "snooker" for the last five and a half years. I meant it as a metaphore simile thingy. I didn't mean to incinerate (sic) he could shoot pool.

Pool Player #1: I'll tell ya what was distracting. That crazy looking dude with the hair plugs who the president called "Joe", but who referred to himself as "Champ". Why did he grin and insert the square pool chalk into his left nostril?

Pool Player #2: I don't know, but it seemed like Obama just couldn't get enough chalk on his cue after that cuz Joe wouldn't hold still.

Pool Player #1: So, yah. Obama was pretty horrible at pool. It took the first 10 minutes to explain why he couldn't hit the ball directly with the bridge cue, and that he wasn't supposed to swing at it like he was playing stick ball in the streets of Kenya.

Pool Player #2: Yeah, he sucked. But that Tranny that came in later could play! Obama and the suits called him "Michelle", but we started calling him "9 ball" because of how he/she filled up the "pockets"!

Bartender: My pool table is a disaster now. There are divots, slices and tears in the felt. There are doobie burns on the side rails, not to mention all the missing chalk squares and rest room urinal cakes because of that idiot Biden. And to top it off, he skated on the tab! 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Border Folly

Please to excuse me , oh infidel rancher on the great satan side of the border. I am sure I left my prayer rug and Islamic literature in your barn after sneaking in with a legion of my terrorist friends hidden within your ongoing open border surge. Please to help me find it before I keeeel you?

 Is it brown with white markings on it and smell like camel piss?

No, no, no. It is more green with beautiful fringe and off white Islamic markings, praise be to Allah.

 Nope. Haven't seen it.

 I must have it immediately before prayer for your destruction, then off to shoot pool with your president. If I don't have it, what am I to press my forehead to?

I have that covered. Ahkmed, meet my friend Remington.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Really Florida? Again with the recount?

This blog is dedicated to my friend Ed.
Did you see this story a few days ago?

Dethroned Miss Florida
It's a call that every pageant winner dreads.

Elizabeth Fechtel had been crowned Miss Florida on June 21 and was five days into her reign when she heard the bad news: there had been a scoring error. She was no longer Miss Florida, but was now the first runner-up.

Congratulations to the previous runner-up, and new Miss Florida... Hanging Chad!

Friday, June 6, 2014

D Day remembered by a real American President

I sure do miss President Ronald Reagan and the time when men were real men who loved liberty and were willing to fight tyranny, instead of latte-sipping, scarf-wearing effeminate waifs of today.

I will not bother watching or reading any of obama's remarks regarding the valor and bravery of the soldiers who stormed Normandy 70 years ago. Remarks that no doubt were written by somebody else to make it appear that obama actually gives a (blog edit), as he takes smiling selfies in front of the graves of these brave young people. I would rather watch this 30-year-old video of Reagan over and over again of powerful words and true sentiment.

I can almost see the vision of Reagan sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, nobody there to see that he is wearing a pressed suit, a crisp white shirt and tie, as he pens these words with pen and paper, "faith and belief"...

June 6, 1984 Remarks by President Ronald W. Reagan at a ceremony commemorating the 40th anniversary of the Normandy invasion

From the 5 minute mark:
Forty summers have passed since the battle that you fought here. You were young the day you took these cliffs; some of you were hardly more than boys, with the deepest joys of life before you. Yet, you risked everything here. Why? Why did you do it? What impelled you to put aside the instinct for self-preservation and risk your lives to take these cliffs? What inspired all the men of the armies that met here? We look at you, and somehow we know the answer. It was faith and belief; it was loyalty and love.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Obama be juicin' in Poland

This may be the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.  Leaked video of President Obama apparently working out in the gym of the Marriott Hotel in Warsaw, Poland.

Seriously,  this looks like serious 'roid rage to me.

Hans: Alright, now let's get started. First of all, before you pump, you must warm up or else you'll hurt your muscles. Now, listen hear: we can't make you warm u, that's entirely up to you!

Franz: Yeah. Listen to me now, and believe me later: you know, if you don't think this matters, you know.. maybe we should take a belt to your buttocks muscle until it's all black and blue and swollen!

Hans: Alright, enough talk. All we want to do is..

Together: Pump.. [ clap hands ] up!

Mooshell was also caught in the act also.

Let's Move indeed. UPDATE!!
 The individual thought to have surreptitiously recorded the less-than-flattering video of obama "working out" has been roughed, coughed and sent to Gitmo.

Apparently, obama has a phone, a pen, and now he has some empty jail cells for his real enemies.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Courtship of Bergdahl's Father

When I saw this...
All I could think of was this...
The Courtship of Bergdahl's Father
People let me tell you 'bout my best friend,
He's a cold blooded muzlim who'll hate America till the end.
People let me tell you bout my best friend,
He's a one boy cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Another Unexpected Resignation Rocks The Obama Administration, as Bo the First Family dog steps down

Bo, the Portuguese Water Dog called a press conference in the briefing room this morning to announce he "wanted to go outside", and that he was stepping down from his post as the nation's First dog.

He did not disclose his future plans, other than his immediate plans when he gave Biden the signal to grab the pooper scooper. While Bo wasn't very forthcoming as to the reasons for leaving, it is well documented that obama is a former dog eater which must add additional stress to a First Dog working for a Kenyan-born boss. 
Earlier this week Obama accepted the resignation of VA Sec. Eric Shinseki, followed closely by the surprise departure of White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, who is thought to be leaving to pursue a music career as lead tambourinist in his son's boy band.

Remember, it was just this past March when the White House lost its openly gay pastry chef due to Michelle's "demonic" menu demands. With Bo's departure, one has to question whether Michelle's strict menu restrictions are palatable to even a dog.

Speculation has been heating as to who will replace him. When the president was asked directly if he had a replacement in mind for his favorite departing dog, Obama promised to find a suitable replacement at the shelter. When asked the same question about Jay Carney's replacement, Obama stated, "I thought that's who we were talking about."

It appears to be a mass exodus of fleeing rats from a sinking obama canoe.  Some have even dared to think the unthinkable, that Obama himself may step down after the conclusion of his second term, though house money says he's not going anywhere.

One thing is for certain, this nation cannot go on for a prolonged period without a First Pet being named and filling this vacancy. In a recent poll question asking. "With Bo leaving the First Dog post, what breed would you like to see replace him?" The American public   overwhelmingly selected "a rabid Grizzly" as their first "write in" choice.

For all obama has done for us, I say we surprise him with it.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Hateful Video of Spelling Bee Fail Leads to Unrest in Kabaragoya

Jay Carney looks a little punky as he exits the Tilt-A-Whirl after riding it for over three years...
I'm just happy obama was there to console him.
Watch out though. I think he's about to hurl!
Let's give a warm welcome to the new press secretary, Jacob #38, who has managed to bounce back after his premature elimination at Thursday evening’s Scripps National Spelling Bee.
 Hmmmm. Suspicious. Jacob and Jay share a striking resemblance. Has anyone seen them together in the same room? Where was Carney last Thursday when THIS happened?

Friday, May 30, 2014

Chattering Teeth Blog History 101 (please take out your protractors)

I golfed my first 9 holes of the 2014 season last night with my brother Snapper in his Thursday night golf league. I had a great time, but woke up late with a slight headache. I'm sure that has nothing to do with the post-round empty whiskey and diet cups we stacked in our cart cup holders.

If you click the link to visit that site, you just may recognize my influence as it's webmaster. My brother Snapper started this league in 1988 and I put it online in very basic and crude self-taught HTML form in 2001. I did this because I thought it would be unique to have our men's golf league online, and in the pre-blog days, I guess I just wanted a venue to accept my scribblings. I think I was also hoping that teaching myself web design and trying to wrestle the internet would somehow help in my single-handedly saving the newspaper industry (well, THAT went well :)

Back to the golf league. The league name "Snappers" arose from an encounter my oldest brother Rick had with a huge snapping turtle that was sunning himself on a fairway next to a pond that first year in 1988. Rick apparently told the guys in his group that it was a snapping turtle, when someone asked, "how do you know?" His plan was for the turtle to crunch down on the extended golf tee waving in front of it's prehistoric beak, but Rick's thumb must have looked tastier to the beast. While it did cost him a trip to the Emergency Room for a tetanus and some stitches, his right hand is still opposably-inclined. Rick was the unanimous recipient of the clubhouse "Asshole of the Day" vote. He became known as "Snapper", and as league founder, the league adopted it's moniker.

Nicknames are like that. The good ones are assigned and you can't pick your own. Mine also was born on the golf course many years ago, when friends watched in amazement as I shot a par 4 on a hole at Gaylord's Swampfire by blading every club. This was not a demonstration of purposeful shot trickery, rather an inept display of wild club swinging with uncanny and unexplained results. I even hit my putt a little thin, yet the planets were aligned in my favor that day my friends as it dropped mercifully into the hole. What else could my friends do but exclaim "DaBlade!".

So you see, the Chattering Teeth icon in the skybox at the Snappers Golf site preceded the one you see here at my blog. This biting animated gif is meant to symbolize the Snapping Turtle on the golf site. When I named my blog in 2008, the Chattering Teeth symbolizes my sometimes nonsensical smatterings, interspersed with the occasional insightful deep thought a turtle might have. AYYYYEEEYEE LIVE ACTION!

I was a regular league member a few years ago. Someone asked last night why I wasn't a regular anymore, and just the occasional sub. I answered, "I started playing golf around the age of 17, playing in weekly leagues and weekend practice rounds for the next 30 years. And then Obama was elected and that was my last year as a league member in 2008. My theory is that there are only so many cummulative golf rounds that can be played by the entiriety of humanity, and the massive amount of golf rounds played by this president have to come from somewhere."

I actually hit the ball decently last night, had a great time with the fellas, and it got me to thinking that I have to get out there more often. BTW, a Snapping Turtle has not been spotted in the fairway since that first year in 1988, and it had a hand (clawed paddle) in naming this blog. How's THAT for the hand of Providence?

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Top 5 ways to spoil your chicken

If you're like me, you spoil your chicken.

I bought mine a virtual reality headset so he has the freedom to roam without the roaming, so he can cross the road without leaving the safety of the coop, and for making him believe he is a free-range chicken. Sometimes, just to mess with him, I load the Colonel's program. Never fails! He always gives me the chicken finger for that.

Speaking of bucket lists, my chicken has always wanted to be a Chattering Teeth blog guest columnist. Today is the day! It will give me a chance to try out his Virtual Reality Headset. I hope you find him as insightful as I do. Take it away Mister Chicken!

--<- -="" nbsp="" y="">-  -<- p=""> -<- -="" br="" nbsp="" y="">dsij ros88gyu  fio i'uwr  pow[piof w[rio k

Sorry about that. I think the chicken has been into the zebra fishes' vodka stash.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Obama makes surprise trip to Afghanistan, refuses to meet with U.S. troops.

Obama makes surprise trip to Afghanistan to visit his troops and to blow the cover of the top U.S. CIA agent infidel there.

Mission accomplished. Obama would have done LESS damage to the U.S. HAD HE ACTUALLY visited the al Qaeda terrorist traing camp as these 2 minute photoshop images suggest.

Pictures of the practice grenade toss at the terrorist training camp are not available, as al Qaeda teased Obama incessantly for tossing the grenade from the elbow.

"Hey Obama, did you get it caught in your burka?"

It's nice to know that some things are universal.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Naked man uses obama's back door

The "nude guy at the gates of the White House" story,  as sung by Barack Obama himself!

(sung to the tune of Piano Man, by Billy Joel)

It's three o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's a nude man at the Northwest Gate
Smelling of urine and tonic and gin

He says, "Barry, can you give me a quarter?
I'm not really sure where mine goes
But you are my floozy, in the coin-operated jacuzzi
When you wear your emperor's clothes"

La, la, la, de, de, da
La, la, de, de, da, da, da

Sing us a song, you're the Bathhouse man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright

Now John at the gate is a friend of mine
He gets me my choom for free
And he's quick with a smoke or to snort up your coke
But the Bathhouse is where he'd rather be

He says, "Barry, your economy is killing me"
As a smile ran away from his face
"Well, I'm sure that I could find me another job
If you would get out of this place"

Oh, la, la, la, de, de, da
La, la, de, de, da, da, da

Now Paul is a Desert Storm Veteran
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy
They'll be in the VA waiting line for life

And Barry is practicing politics
As the press drinks up what he said
And I can't help but think we'd be better off
If the nude man were president instead

Sing us a song, you're the Bathhouse man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the secret service gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about life for a while

From my podium, it sounds like a carnival
And the teleprompter smells like a beer
And the press sits in the crowd and cheers my rhetorical flourish real loud
And I say, "Man, what is Ed Henry doin' here?"

Oh, la, la, la, de, de, da
La, la, de, de, da, da, da

Sing us a song, you're the Bathhouse man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright

Friday, May 23, 2014

Meet The Ferals!

It's a modern day "odd Couple" story about two diametrically opposed polar opposites who got married on their first date after meeting at the zoo. (Yes, I know this is a cheap Dharma & Greg ripoff, but I've refreshed it to speak to the "Two Americas" of today).

The promo might go a little something like this:

They say opposites attract.
Rolf is a right-wing Christian conservative, and resident Sheriff of his small town. Guenon is a left-wing progressive marxist, and resident yoga instructor, dope smoker and part-time Palm Reader.

Rolf likes his steaks rare, while Guen is a strict vegetarian.

Rolf believes that marriage is a sacred covenant between a man and a woman, and Guen's first legal spouse took batteries and always caused her a commotion when going through airport security.

But perhaps the biggest difference between them is also the very thing they have most in common. Namely, a very unique childhood. It was similar in that Rolf Feral was raised by a pack of wolves, while Guenon was raised by gorillas.

It is their most challenging difference in that Rolf was abandoned as a toddler and raised by wild wolves in the forests of Yellowstone. She was also abandoned as a toddler only to be raised by a band of Mountain Gorillas. Not wild primates in the mists of a dense and remote rainforest deep in the African bush, rather in captivity at the San Diego zoo - somehow evading discovery in the overgrown gorilla enclosure for several years.

While Rolf learned the values of family and self-sufficiency from an early age, Guenon learned to be dependent and addicted to the entitlements handed down to her from the omnipotent zoo handlers that fed her band every day, and all they had to do was pick nats and fling poop.

That's it so far with the pilot episode. I'm sure hilarity will ensue, as Rolf works hard and plays by the rules, while Guen and her friends continue to break things and fling poop.

Stay tuned. I'll let you know if the networks return my calls.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Detroit News Front Page Today

GOOD NEWS! The "exodus from Detroit is continuing but may be slowing" while only just "1 in 3 Detroit pregnancies ends in abortion".

Let's phrase these two totally unrelated stories in the form of Common Core math problems

1. Detroit currently has 688,701 residents. In 1950, there were 1.9 million residents. How many more apples does Pat have than Jen?

2. 1 in 3 Detroit pregnancies ends in abortion due to Mitt Romney and the rising poverty and dwindling access to affordable contraception. Randomly shade in any number of these boxes (or doodle in the margins) for full credit.

3. It is unfair that Pat has more apples than Jen. He didn't pick those! Draw a picture on how to solve the apple inequality and how best to punish Pat.

Obviously, abortion is not the reason Detroit has imploded, not does it have anything to do with the democrat monopoly over this once fair city. It has everything to do with man-made climate change, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and George W Bush. And Obamacare is working!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Obama Little League

Did you see where Barack "small balls" Obama stopped his motorcade between fundraisers and caused a huge traffic jam just so he could play baseball with some little leaguers? Jay Carney has just announced that the traffic jam was the fault of Governor Chris Christie stopping at a hotdog stand or something.

The president paid a surprise visit to Washington's Friendship Park, where a handful of teams were already in full swing.

Obama shook hands with the players and posed for photos with each team. He even tried his hand at pitching.

Shocked parents reached for their smartphones to snap a quick photo, but not all of their kids were as impressed. Some held back, unsure of who Obama was, until their parents led them back onto the infield.

"Some held back, unsure of who Obama was..."  
are you sure about that? Why would a kid that age appreciate an old dude marching onto their field and girlie-throwing the baseball?

"until their parents led them back onto the infield."
 because, seriously, who needs an IRS audit?

I was reminded of that feel-good coming-of-age film from 1993 title The Sandlot. This remake, however, makes me feel not-so-good. Like maybe a little bile on the buds.

Fans of the original film may recognize this scene's slight re-write:

Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.

Squints: But it was signed by Barack Obama!

Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?

Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?

Kenny: The sultan of shank!

Bertram: The king of economy crash!

Timmy: The colossus of debt!

Tommy: The colossus of choom!




Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?