Monday, May 22, 2017

Alba The White Privileged Albino Orangutan Joins Summer Edgar Winter Tour

Chattering Teeth News - A rare albino orangutan named Alba has reportedly gained 10 pounds since having been rescued from a village in Indonesia. The name “Alba,” means “white” in Latin, and it is believed wildly speculated here that he was being held by a Black 'Tans Matter guerilla group.

Why the preferential treatment for this WHITE orang?

Orangutans are critically endangered in the wild, yet how many dark-skinned 'tans are rescued and nursed back to health in the wild? More over, have you ever heard of a white orangutan shot while in it's Cleveland Zoo enclosure - or is that treatment just reserved for the majority minority American-African primates?

CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, Mr Alba!

In other Wildlife news:

A Sea Lion has been awarded the Medal of Freedom for dragging Nancy Pelosi into the water from a Californian pier.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Trump Tips Saudi King To Carry His Luggage

[Trump palms off a $100 bill to Saudi Arabia's King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud at King Khalid International Airport in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia]

PRINCE: The King says You don't tip "The Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques"

TRUMP: Sure you do! I tip everybody. That's my philosophy. Actually, it's not tipping I believe in, it's overtipping.



Friday, May 19, 2017

Thailand’s “Uncle Fat” Macaque to Join Kid Rock Tour This Summer?


Thailand’s chunky monkey
BANGKOK — A morbidly obese wild monkey who gorged himself on junk food and soda left behind by tourists has been rescued and placed on a strict diet of lean protein, fruits and vegetables.

Wildlife officials caught the chunky monkey — nicknamed “Uncle Fat” by locals — after photos of the animal started circulating on social media last month...

“He had minions and other monkeys bringing food for him but he would also re-distribute it to younger monkeys,” 
said Supakarn Kaewchot, a veterinarian in charge of the monkey’s diet."

Uncle Fat would also "re-distribute" to the younger monkeys? With Hillary, Bernie and Pocahontas a little long in the tooth, it looks like the Democrats might have their new top of the ticket for a run in 2020. Just a simple matter of updating some records to reflect a Hawaiian birth certificate.

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE THINGY!!!

BANGKOK — A morbidly obese wild monkey who goes by the name “Uncle Fat” is said to rule the Bangkok suburbs with an iron fist and ample girth. He has minions and other monkeys 'taxing' and pillaging the countryside and bringing him all the junk food and pop they can carry. Uncle Fat throws a few crumbs to his young military guards while the rest of the subjects are dying from starvation.

Satellite imagery shows that Uncle Fat may be planning a surprise missile test and may be developing a nuclear program.

Stay tuned as this breaking news story unfolds.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Archaeologist Discovers Ancient Contemporaneous Hieroglyphs by James Comey's Ancestor!!

These tablets have been uncovered in the parking garage of one of Trump's casinos, and the special prosecutor has assigned a team of top-notch investigators to the site in hopes of uncovering additional evidence.

“Contemporaneous”
I love it when the media learns a new word in their morning 'marching orders'. Free Press, indeed.


Wednesday, May 17, 2017

LATEST SHOCKING COMEY MEMOS

QUICK RECAP FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.

1) Former FBI Director James Comey wrote a memo  stating President Trump had ordered him to drop the Flynn investigation when he stated, "I hope you can let this go".

2) In Trump's letter firing Comey, he states "I greatly appreciate you informing me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation..."

3) COMEY FIRES BACK with THIS memo stating, "Sorry I called you and lied to your face. I will never call you again, really sorry." From: Comey To: Trump

I know these technical and professionally written memos can be hard to read and understand by the average Washington Post readers (and 'reporters') - so let me break this down. Comey now says he lied to Trump about him not being investigated, PROVING that Trump has disclosed sources and secrets to Russian spies.

IN OTHER NEWS:
Some kid writes police apology for misusing 911...
Clearly, there is a forgery above and we can safely assume that Comey prank called "the cops" and tried to throw this little boy under the school bus. When will this madness end?

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Happy Mummies Day From Pyongyang

Kim Jong-Un plans to spend a quiet Mother's Day in his mansion retreat in the Kusong region, launching missiles, ordering family executions and torturing a few prisoners for amusement.

After that, brunch with mother.  
Ko Young-hee was the North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-il's consort and mother of Kim Jong-un. She died over a dozen years ago. Surveillance satellite imagery reveals there is just a pile of shoveled dirt beside an empty grave at the Taesŏngsan Revolutionary Martyrs' Cemetery. 

A boy's best friend is his mother.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Polk & Trump - My Mane Men

THIS DAY IN HISTORY -
President Polk declares war on Mexico
On May 13, 1846, the U.S. Congress overwhelmingly votes in favor of President James K. Polk’s request to declare war on Mexico in a dispute over Texas.

Mexico didn’t follow through with its own threat to declare war...


This, barely 10 years after the Republic of Texas declared independence from the Republic of Mexico in 1836, and less than 2 weeks after a joint resolution passed on March 1, 1845 with regards to the annexation of Texas (culminating on December 29 of that same year).

The 10-year delay was due to the threat of war with Mexico and upsetting the slave state/free state balance.

TRUMP: Polk was really angry what was happening in regard to Mexico and Texas. People don't realize, the Mexican War -- you think about it, why? People don't ask the question, but why was there a war with Mexico? He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Alamo, he said, 'There's no reason for this.' Polk said, 'build a big, beautiful wall and make Mexico pay for it.'

Friday, May 12, 2017

WeakyLeaks Dump - for you Pencil-Pushing Home Improvement do-it-yourselfers

In the last blog's comment section, we have been discussing a problem I ran into when replacing a garbage disposal. It was actually surprisingly easy to dissamble the plumbing and the old disposal (mine is on the right sink side). The new disposal went in with few issues.

Pro Tip: Don't try to use the Plumber's Putty you kept in your garage and is likely several years old and has long since dried out into a rock hard paper weight. Make a THIRD TRIP to your local Home Depot to get a cute l'il 9-ounce container for about $5 bucks. Yes, you will only need about ONE ounce of Plumber's Putty for this job and leaving 8 ounces - this time I was smart and used the extra to make a putty replica of Harambe the gorilla. Might as well be an amusing paper weight.

After this, I made the decision to replace the other sink's drain and strainer, as the entire thing was looking sketchy. This is where things went sideways.  The strainer locknut was/is frozen solid to the drain insert stem underneath.
From the Family Handyman...
Quick and easy fix for a leaky kitchen sink basket strainer. Replace the basket strainer yourself in just an hour and save the cost of a visit from the plumber.

After 'quickly and easily' hammering on the free-spinning locknut on the underside of your sink for over an hour, consider a bundle of TNT. TO BE CONTINUED...


Friday, April 28, 2017

Climate Change Coloring Book

Dear snowflakes, cupcakes and progressive twits,
We here at the spacious Chattering Teeth blog studios know just how scary the world is to you. From mean old Trump as president, to Ann Coulter threatening to visit Berkeley to ENGAGE IN SPEECH! But worst of all is Global Warming!!! *GASP*

What better way for an snowflake to relieve stress that an adult coloring book? (yoga pants and kale not included). Introducing:

The Climate Change Coloring Book
"This book is not political, but a celebration of information, learning, and research."

More like full blown propaganda, but at least its printed on 100% recycled paper and Vegetable-based, non-toxic ink.

This adult coloring book has given me an idea for my own capitalist money-making venture. No, not another coloring book. That market is a little thin for actual grown ups. I'm thinking more in line with pistol range paper targets, made from virgin Redwood tree flesh, and inked with polar bear blood. A pack of 20 targets would include bulls-eyes featuring caricatures of your favorite Climate Nazis like Bill DeNye and Algore, and various arctic creatures precariously perched on floating icebergs.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

With the 21st pick in the 2017 NFL draft, the Detroit Lions select...

In the "Too Soon" Department - Bad Taste Post #693

***cue squiggly lines and blog dream sequence***

Apr 27, 2017. NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, grasps both sides of the podium and says, "With the 21st pick in the 2017 NFL draft, the Detroit Lions select the corpse of Aaron Hernandez, tight end.

*gasps* *whispering* *looks of shock and stunned disbelief*

*silence*


Then somewhere towards the back of the seating... Waaaay to the back, a slow clap begins...
*clap...       clap         clap*

And like a thunderstorm cloud that suddenly opens a trap door and unleashes a torrent, the crowd joins in and goes wild with raucous applause and whistles, and even begins to break out"the wave"!      

Let's go to our panel for in depth coverage of this surprise pick by the Detroit Lions.

Chattering Teeth (CT): I love this pick.
Mustache Glasses (MG): I hate this pick.
Rubber Chicken (RC): *blank stare*

CT: Clearly, the Detroit Lions needed to upgrade their tight end position. Aaron Hernandez may not have the mobility he used to...
MG: Umm he's deceased.
CT: Even so, he must have better hands than Eric Ebron.
MG: What about the tight end's pass blocking responsibilities and protecting the quarterback?
RC: *blank stare*
CT: THAT IS BRILLIANT, RUBBER CHICKEN! At least Hernadez' corpse would provide a potential tripping hazard to rushing opponents. Again, an upgrade over Ebron.
MG: But what about the character issue? Aaron Hernandez was a convicted murdered, after all, before hanging himself in prison. Won't he just create a big stink in the locker room...

Shhh! Here's Roger again.

GOODELL: "With the 22nd pick in the 2017 NFL draft, the Detroit Lions have traded up with a pile of cash, the rest of their draft picks and any semblance of a future football team to select... 42 large industrial kegs of Febreze Extra Strength Odor Eliminator."
This might just work!

**ALARM CLOCK RATTLE***

Monday, April 24, 2017

Fonzie Revives Joanie

In the "Too Soon" Department - Bad Taste Post #692

Chattering Teeth News - According to the funeral home janitor named Potsie, a man entered the facility after hours wearing jeans and a white T-shirt under a leather jacket. He strutted up to Erin Moran's casket and uttering something like, "Ayyyyye..."

"He was crackling with power and outlined in a glowing light blue, like he was badly photo shopped by someone in a hurry to get to work," said Potsie. "He hits the side of the casket once with his fist, the lid pops open and out walks Joanie."

The only other information the janitor could provide was that she jumped on the back of the dudes motorcycle, and off they went. Later reports flooded the station that the two were spotted water skiing in the shark tank at the local zoo.

THE END

Happy Days ran from 1974, to 1984 (and syndication from then, on) - right in my wheel house. Loved that show. (Joanie Loves Chachi - not so much)

And now, Weezer performs at Arnold's. Got to see Weezer live about a decade ago as a chaperone for one of my boys and a car load of teenagers. Weezer opened for Foo Fighters. Weezer was fantastic. I couldn't stand the noise the other band was making, so I waited in the concourse while the headline played. The kids like it, though.


Saturday, April 22, 2017

Those Wacky Adventures of the Google Earth Day Fox

Google's Earth Day Doodle Sends an Urgent Message About Climate Change

In a series of illustrations, the Google doodle tells the story of a sleeping fox that has a nightmare about the consequences of climate change, featuring melted icebergs and dead plants. Disturbed, the fox enlists two friends to be more thoughtful about conservation—the trio eat vegetables, grow plants, ride bikes and use solar energy.

There. I fixed it...
Once upon a time, there was a Google Earth Day Fox. Like most young libtards, he was nocturnal - meaning he slept all day in his parent's tree stump instead of holding down a job, and was "active" at night (going clubbin' and carousin'). While he slept, he dreamed of Mother Earth in all her natural abundance.


BUT SUDDENLY... His dreams turned into a nightmare, as a penguin lost its balance on a melting iceberg or something... and the poor, ignorant Earth Day penguin plunged into the icy waters to certain death!... ?

The Google Earth Day Fox was STARTLED AWAKE with a crazed look in his eyes, with a certainty that the Earth was in it's final death throes due to EVIL CAPITALISM, and the only prescription was massive wealth redistribution or something. He knew this because men of unimpeachable scientific knowledge, like Bill Nye the science guy and Algore had said so! And Neil deGrasse Tyson is an actual astrofizz-a-thingy, so he prolly knows ALL about weather stuff and isn't just an educated idiot political hack!

Then the Google Earth Day Fox's parents became concerned with his nonsensical Earth Day drivel, and rushed him to the ER for treatment. What he really needed was a "liberal" dose of psychotropic and antipsychotic medications to help him cope with his irrational anxieties.

"Schizophrenia and mania are just 2 legs of the 3-legged liberal progressive climate change stool," said Mr. Fox to his frothing and indoctrinated son.

but then the Google Earth Day Fox chased an imaginary butterfly off the hospital roof.

THE END

Thursday, April 20, 2017

4/20 in the libtard's alternate utopia...

* Ex-Fox Factor Figure, Bill O'Reilly, hangs himself in lonely jail cell while former NFL player (and killer), Aaron Hernandez takes over as host.

* FaceSpace killer is a christian NRA member who targeted trannys and homos.

* In President Hellary's (sic) first 100 days, she has sent an armada of barges piled high with plastic toy reset buttons to the waters off North Korean (after that chubby Kimmy gal with the butch haircut nukes Seoul).

* Speaking of "Seoul" - Maxine Waters ("The Godmother of Soul") hears first case of oral arguments as the new Supreme Ct Justice, after knifing Merrick Garland in parking lot. She immediately belts out “Living In America” of Rocky IV fame, and calls for impeachment of Justice Clarence Thomas for putting a James Brown wig on her Coke.

In other news... [Finding Charles Rogers]
This man who was once the best player in college football. He was the No. 2 pick in the 2003 NFL Draft, signing a $39.5 million contract with the Detroit Lions - which included a guaranteed signing bonus of $14.4 million. He now "works" at an auto repair shop owned by a friend in Florida (although "admittedly, he doesn’t know much about cars...") He is considered one of the biggest busts in NFL history... He still smokes marijuana every day.

 Happy 420!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Those Yachting Obamas

Barack directs Michelle to back it up on deck of music mogul's luxury liner.

Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Robert Wagner's good friend, Christopher Walken to the blog...

"Mooshell on a barge? Definitely gonna need more cow bell."


BREAKING CHATTERING TEETH NEWS!!!

North Korea spooked by reports that David Geffen’s luxury yacht, the Rising Sun, is en route off their shores and carrying the Obamas, Oprah Winfrey, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. The yacht can accommodate 18 guests and a staff of 55 people and has a basketball court - but Dennis Rodman is not reported to be with them. If this collection of kooks were headed my way, I would consider it an act of war. By the way, is it really a good idea to be traveling with Tom Hanks?