Thursday, February 11, 2016

Do you trust YOUR toaster?

Intel chief: 'We might use smart-home devices to spy on you'
The nation’s top intelligence officer admitted Tuesday that the government may use information transmitted to the Internet from your washing machine, your thermostat, your television, your refrigerator or your favorite video game against you.

Almost every home appliance and electronic gadget sold today is outfitted with a computer chip, constantly feeding information about their owners back to utilities, manufacturers and other data networks.


A slice of personal philosophy, I believe this is just some hyped-up crumby bruschetta perpetrated by some crusty governmental bureaucrats sandwiched inside their little office cubicle loafs and trying to drive a wedge between my toaster and me. Not gonna happen.I will continue to share my inner-most thoughts with my toaster knowing full well it will keep my confidence.

Besides, like we are supposed to believe the government really cares what we are up to...

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

NAHRAL (Nags At Hillary Rally All Lesbians)

In the news:
NARAL was upset by the Doritos Super Bowl commercial because it showed a human baby inside his mother's womb during an ultrasound and not a potted plant. Either that, or they really don't like salted snacks and were upset that the baby wasn't taunted with kale?

I thought the commercial was funny. NARAL... what is that? Nitwits Against Really Awesome Life?

THIS JUST IN!
NAHRAL (Nags At Hillary Rally All Lesbians) use anti-common sense tactics by...  trying to humanize Hillary!

Albright Declares: 'Special Place in Hell' for Women Who Don't Vote Clinton
#NotBuyinItBiotch!

Sunday, February 7, 2016

DR BEN CARSON FOUND!

It all started when neurosurgeon Ben Carson missed his cue to walk out onto the debate stage at St. Anselm's College in New Hampshire. From there, it just got worse and worse.

Chattering Teeth News - Dr. Ben Carson missed his bus ride back to hotel after the GOP debate and suffers mild hypothermia while waiting in the parking lot hours after debate concluded. It took a few hours before family members realized the soft-spoken and reserved neurosurgeon was even missing.

He was found by the stage hand who was walking to his car after closing up the auditorium. This was the same stage hand who could be seen behind the curtain trying to wave Ben through to his podium.

"It was dark and I just thought some fool kids had moved the stone statue of that old dude by the fountain," said the stage hand. "It wasn't until I got close enough to hear his teeth chattering and mumbling something about him not out here just to add beauty to the parking lot, or something..."

Dr Carson will be transported home for additional changes of warmer clothing.



Saturday, February 6, 2016

BREAKING: Marco's Son Yawns - crowd nods off during speech

Ted Cruz Schools ABC on ‘Dirty Trick’ Claim

Silly season has reached the summit of Mount Frivolity. A veritable culmination and crescendo of simple mindedness, and indubitable pinnacle of vacuousness - and other words found in my online thethorus (I can never type that word without a spelling lisp)

Seriously? Is this how low we have fallen that we are supposed to get excited by, and jump to every stupid main stream media twitter feed with the only purpose being to try to knock out the only constitutional conservative in this race? Well I'm not playing. I'm sticking to the issues here.


BREAKING NEWS!!! 
Chattering Teeth News is reporting that Marco Rubio's son, Dominick, is taking time off from the campaign trail after yawning repeatedly during his father's speech in New Hampshire. Dominick will be making a big announcement at school next week during show-and-tell.

WOW! The water bottle doesn't fall far from the large skid. I wonder if this kid sweats as much as his dad? They say a symptom of dehydration is extreme fatigue. If I had to listen to the exact same speech verbatim, with the exact same jokes, quips and one-liners I'd likely nod off too.

In conclusion, I have nothing against Marco (except for that whole amnesty and gang of 8 thing, and the fact that he is an establishment darling). I don't think he is presidential material. I think Putin would just give the guy a hair tousle and pat on the head before stealing his Cuban Heels.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Trump is calling for Granite Subsidies leading into the New Hampshire Primary

Chattering Teeth News - Most of the Republican presidential candidates are in New Hampshire coming off the heels of the Iowa caucuses where Ted Cruz won by a large margin. It is not known if Dr. Ben Carson has finished doing his laundry and ironing in Florida and joined the rest in New Hampshire, or if Marco Rubio is done polishing his boots - but rest assured the twitter feed will keep the journalists up-to-date on this breaking news.

With the political focus moving from Iowa to New Hampshire, Donald Trump is once again pushing the agenda by announcing he is in favor of granite subsidies with his latest tweet:

@realDoanldTrump - People call me the granite candidate because - like me - granite is a hard stone, capable of withstanding enormous pressure. That's why we need to protect these rocks with government subsidies #NH Rocks!

Not coincidentally, New Hampshire's nickname is "The Granite State", referring to its extensive granite formations and quarries. In fact, much of New Hampshire's bedrock is granite.

“You know what?," Trump said. “I went out to see some of the folks in those quarries, with the sawing and the chiseling. Good stuff and great people, put a lot of people to work out here. I just want to thank them, they’re doing an amazing job with the rock piles, this I will tell you.”

When reminded that Ted Cruz is against government picking the winners and losers in the form of subsidies, Trump responded by saying, "Frankly, I am not surprised. The big Oil companies give him a lot of money, so he's for oil. Tell that to the good people in New Hampshire living paycheck to paycheck."

Aside from the fact that Trump's ad hominem attack against Cruz is patently false, it's not clear what oil has to do with rocks. And with New Hampshire ranked 6th in the nation for median household income, its not known how many quarry workers are living paycheck to paycheck.

Donald Trump held a townhall at Rattlesnake Hill, the largest quarry in New Hampshire, located just outside the state capital in Concord. "I haven't seen this many stoners and slabs of dense granite since that Adele concert in New York last year, this I will tell you."

A hush fell over the crowd and not even a pebble scrape could be heard, as the clueless Trumpeters sported looks of confusion trying to determine if they had been insulted.

"Nowhere else on Earth can you find all these rocks," said Trump. When I'm president, not only will I build that border wall, I will build it using these big, beautiful 20-ton slabs from New Hampshire!"

And the crowd erupted in applause and tears.

Donald then pulled a small, smooth stone from his pocket and held it up for the crowd of supporters to see. "See this stone? My mother gave me this rock — this very rock from her rock garden in our backyard — many years ago. It’s just very special to me and again I want to thank the quarrymen. I will never let you down,” he vowed.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

SHOCKING IOWA CAUCUS RESULTS! (not really)

Trump Builds Big, Beautiful Wall Around Iowa's State Border 

Iowans woke up Tuesday to find themselves surrounded by a 7oo-foot wall around the perimeter of the State, and Trump has threatened to make Minnesota, Missouri, Wisconsin, Illinois, South Dakota and Nebraska to pay for it - depending on how he finishes in their respective caucuses.

Political pundits call this a high-risk maneuver and thinly veiled threat to future states, but is very telling how impressive the Trump organization really is, to be able to build this huge wall overnight.

"It's called, we have a campaign," shouted Trump from the top of the wall as he urinated into the State. "Don't turn around now, Iowa. It's too late or you might turn into a pillar of salt like a lot of wives did in that verse from  Nineteen Genesis. That’s the whole ballgame. It's called I have a Bible."

Trump gets "Corny"

Trump concluded, “Iowa, we love you. We thank you. You’re special. We will be back many, many times. In fact, I think I might come here and buy a farm, I love it.”


Donald Trump has long been a proponent of eminent domain, the practice of granting government unlimited power to seize private property for public use. He even once bribed Atlantic City officials in an attempt to forcibly evict an elderly widow out of her home so he could bulldoze it to make way for a limousine parking lot for the nearby Trump Plaza hotel and casino. So when he promises Iowans he will come back for their farms...

Frankly, when I'm president, I promise to come back to Iowa for a farm or two. You could say it's EMINENT that I DOMAIN here in Iowa. What did I get in Iowa? 24% of the vote? That leaves 76% of the farms ripe for a Casino, golf course or just a lot of parking lots... This, I can tell you.

‘How stupid are the people of Iowa?’ Trump asks
(not my meme and source unknown, but too good not to share)

Hillary Wins a Delegate With a Coin Toss

It happened in precinct 2-4 in Ames, where supporters of candidates Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton disputed the results after 60 caucus participants apparently disappeared from the proceedings.

Sadly, the 60 missing caucus member's bodies were found in a nearby park, all victims of a spontaneous mass suicide due to depression. Several tow trucks were employed to haul their parked cars away, with one driver named Vince commenting on the coincidence that all the cars seemed to sport Bernie Sanders #FeelThebern bumper stickers on them.

As for the tie-breaking coin flip:
A Clinton supporter correctly called “heads” on a quarter flipped in the air, and Clinton received a fifth delegate.

It was later discovered that the coin flipper was none other than James Carville, the long time Clinton advisor and slanderist who once responding to Paula Jones' sexual harassment allegations against Bill Clinton by saying, "Drag a hundred-dollar bill through a trailer park, you never know what you'll find."
PICTURED: Carville's Quarter. No Sanders supporter had one.

This just goes to show - Anything you might catch with a Hondo in a trailer Park is going to be much preferable to what you catch with a Quarter flipped in a democrat precinct.

Jeb Bush says he will now begin his Iowa campaigning in ernest




Clinton Caucus Caught on Camera Committing Voter Fraud in Iowa?

UPDATE: A grand jury has indicted the cameraman who spotted this abhorrent and fraudulent practice...

Saturday, January 30, 2016

The Ghost of Buddy Holly and the Iowa Caucus: You Won't Believe who he Endorses!

It was a snowy night on February 3, 1959, when a small plane piloted by Roger Peterson and carrying music legends Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J. P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson went down in a cornfield near Clear Lake, Iowa. This coming Wednesday will be the 57th anniversary of "The Day the Music Died".

But that was not the end of their story...

The short and muddled story you are about to skim (or ignore completely before quickly exiting blog) is fiction. A complete fig newton of my machinations and any consumed time dedicated to said drivel is precious time you will never get back. Plus, it has a couple scary parts. You have been warned.

Chapter 1 (relax, it's the only chapter)
It was 10 minutes to midnight when my headlights lit up the large geek glasses at the corner of 315th Street and Gull Avenue in Clear Lake, Iowa. I had finally arrived at the famous Buddy Holly plane Crash Site. Buddy Holly has always been one of my favorite musicians and I wasn't going to pass this way without paying my respects at his final resting place.

The roadside parking spots were empty, given the late hour. I had planned on arriving earlier in the day, but had stopped at a Cruz campaign rally on the way and time just got away from me. The presidential election season officially kicks off on Monday, February 1st, when a few hundred thousand Iowa residents will get the caucus party started. Everything rides on this next election, and I wanted to be here at the start.

I walked down a path leading to the actual crash site, my flashlight illuminating the markers for the four who died in the plane crash there. I shivered from the cold and from the realization of where I was standing. It was here on this very spot and on the edge of this very corn field on February 3, 1959, where and when the music died.

My reverie was broken, and my mood instantly shot from melancholy to terror as a bloated figure unexpectedly appeared from out of the shadows not more than 12 feet in front of me.

The ghoul had a shock of disheveled hair and a lined face with crazy eyes that darted behind black, thick-framed eyeglasses. When he smiled, his  teeth looked like two rows of over-sized tombstones too large for their cemetery. I turned to flee but stumbled and fell, releasing a blood-curdling scream!

"Well, I wasn't expecting you all neither," the apparition stated.

Something about this apparent ghost was strangely familiar and disarming.

"D- d d- do I know you,?" I stuttered, still trying to catch my breath and quiet my racing heart.

"You should. You came to my crash site, after all. Charles Hardin Holley at your service. I am the one and only Buddy Holly in the flesh... well, not exactly in the flesh. I am now a ghost, and I have been tasked with telling visitors here to vote for Donald J Trump this Monday in the Iowa caucus. He will make this country great again, or something."

My mood instantly shot back up to full-throttled horror, and I inadvertently screamed again, this time at the prospect of a president Trump.

The large specter bent down and passed me a 40-ounce malted brew from his brown bag. Against my better judgment, I chugged the rest and was once again sufficiently calm.

"Buddy, what am I supposed to tell the Trump critics who say that Donald is not a conservative, has held progressive views all his life, has been backpedaling on immigration and JUST THIS PAST WEEK bragged about what a great relationship he has with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Chuck Schumer?"

The spirit just looked at me for a moment. Then he grinned, flashing his tombstones and said, "Tell them 'Boola, Boola."

It was at that moment when my suspicion was confirmed and I knew what had been bothering from the start of this encounter, and why this "ghost" seemed so familiar. 'Boola, Boola' was a memorable line from one of my favorite movies, The Buddy Holly Story, and as far as I know, Buddy never actually said this. If I was right, I wasn't talking to the ghost of Buddy Holly. In fact, I wasn't even talking with a ghost!

I then quickly reached up and removed the iconic glasses from the startled figure and exposing his true identity.

"Just as I figured! It's the actor Gary Busey! Just what are you doing out here in this cornfield?"

Busey's shoulders slouched, as he knew the gig was up. "Mr. Trump is paying me a salary to stand out here and stump for him. He liked the job I did playing Buddy in the movie so he figured I might persuade a few Iowans in my Buddy Holly persona," explained Busey. "I'd like to think he also liked my performance in Dancing with the Stars and my endorsement of him for president."

Just then, a light shined from the heavens, as 3 ethereal spirits descended to stand before us. IT WAS THE REAL GHOSTS OF BUDDY HOLLY, RICHIE VALENS AND THE BIG BOPPER!!!

"Buddy Holly supporting Donald Trump? That'll be the day when I die!," deadpanned Buddy.

"Then who do you support?" I asked.

"I'm from Lubbock, Texas, boy! Who do you think I support? Ted Cruz is the man! I predict he will Not Fade Away!"

The ghost of the Big Bopper stepped forward and bellowed, "Hello, baby! I'm from Texas too, and you know what I like! And that's Ted Cruz.

"La la la la la la bamba!"

Oh, hey Ritchie. How about you?

"well, I was born in California, not Texas like these other two. And there is no such thing as identity politics in heaven. But... My man Cruz is Hispanic and Trump is just an old, rich white guy," sang Ritchie.

It was at this point when Buddy whispered in my ear. "It Doesn't Matter Anymore."

With that, the three rock and roll apparitions ascended the vault of white light until they disappeared in the sky with a flash, and leaving Busey and me alone in that pitch black cornfield.

"Do you have any more hootch in a bag?," I asked Gary.

"Boola, Boola," he answered.

THE END

Friday, January 29, 2016

I support that guy on the far right over Trump

I did watch the GOP "undercard" debate last night, as well as the first half of the main event before nodding off. Disinterest can be exhausting.

That said, I did only dedicate about 15% of my attention span to the undercard showdown as it projected into my livingroom, launched from my smart TV. 

PICTURED: Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, Carly Fiorina and...

Seriously, who is this guy? I have no idea. He could be the janitor... or just someone who snuck in from backstage door that was left unlocked. I don't mean to disparage the gentleman, I literally have no clue who he is.

He may be a fine man and ex-county clerk or dog catcher from Tecumseh. I still don't. I would google search for the answer, but every time I try to focus on the topic of his identity, I suffer from an attack of narcolepsy. I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yah, who is that guy on th... Zzzzzzz

Frankly, I would vote for this guy before I would waste a vote on Trump, this I can tell you.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Rachel Maddow's Flea Circus and Dog & Pony Show

MSNBC's Rachel Maddow brought her little flea circus, dog and pony sideshow to Flint, where she packed an elementary school gym full of an estimated 500 people - a number that more than doubles her regular monthly viewership.

I've never watched her show, but decided I'd tune in due to the local water issue topic. However, at 9PM on MSNBC, it was that white-haired mannequin-looking dude who wears skinny jeans and likes candles and he was hosting some progressive mind melt or another. After scanning the rest of my 300-some cable channels and not finding the Rachel show, I gave up.

I have one of them 'smart' TVs, so I'm guessing the TV took it upon itself to censor that Rachel show from my local listings. For that, I am deeply indebted to my smart TV for saving me from myself. Thanks, smart TV.

And save any feed-back claiming that Chris Hayes is not a beautiful woman. Beauty, after all, is in the stink-eye of the progressive beholder. What if Chrissy entered a room full of bull dykes at a feminist convention?

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Does Trump Dream in Complete Sentences?

Donald Trump was tired. He had been stumping all day, and his campaign had just released his statement that he was not going to participate in the Thursday night FOX News debate. "They're not being fair!," he whined.  He lay in bed wearing his footie jammies and sending the day's last tweet about his greatness, and a few more "bimbo" Megyn Kelly insults. He fell asleep holding his phone... Zzzzzzzzzzzz

cue wavy lines for blog dream sequence...
Donald could see the headlines now!

Trump's Reykjavik Moment

 
Chattering Teeth News -- Donald Trump's showdown with Fox News is reminiscent of President Ronald "Maximus" Reagan's famous walk-out in Reykjavik on Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev at the 1986 summit nuclear treaty talks. Reagan's refusal then to bow to the Soviet's demands to discard the Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI) resulted in a temporary breakdown in negotiations, but ultimately was a pivotal domino in the fall of the Soviet empire.

The 2016 version of the "Star Wars"Strategic Debate Initiative pits GOP presidential front-runner, Donald Trump, against Megyn Kelly, the lightweight Fox News host who has a sordid history of treating Mister Trump unfairly by asking him questions.

"Frankly, when the history books are written, my heroic battle against the Fox News empire will be much more significant a turning point for our nation than was Reagan's little hissy fit in Iceland," stated Trump. "In fact, Reagan was a nasty guy that everybody disliked. I would have gotten along with Gorbachev, this I will tell you."

Trump went on to say that, as author of a very huge book titled 'The Art of the Deal', he would have negotiated a deal with Gorbachev and gotten along with the Democrats better than Reagan did, as they  were angry at Reagan for walking out in Reykjavik.

"Frankly, I don't know if the Soviet union would have fallen under a Trump presidency in the 80's, but my ratings and poll numbers would have been much better than Reagan's because he was such a nasty guy. Hey, it's not me who is saying this... others are saying this about me. In fact, they call me the Reagan candidate, is what they call me. This, I will tell you, frankly. Yuuuge." boasted Trump.

*BUZZZZZ*

A newly arrived tweet awakens the slumbering Trump. He swings his legs over the side of the bed and slips into his bunnie slippers and reads his new tweet...


BREAKING!!!

Biden's Empty Podium will be filling in for Trump at the debate, and experts agree his stump speeches are much more coherent and could boost his campaign.




Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Hillary Coughs up a SandersBall at Iowa Event

Hillary suffers massive coughing fit at Iowa event

IT'S THE CORN!!! SHE HATES THIS CORN!!! 

We interrupt this blog post to bring you this very important message from our pseudo-sponsor:
Benghazi-DM, When you need relief now, but will have to wait for 13 hours. But at this point, what difference does it make? You've already coughed up a "Sanders ball".

In all seriousness... Hillary, please accept this glass of local Flint tap water. It will stop your cough.
Permanently.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Snyder Sends Emergency Water to Flint in Old Artillery Shells and Paint Cans


FLINT, MI -- Sensitive to the criticism he has received for his handling of the  Flint water crisis, Governor Snyder took bold action by sending an emergency supply of water to the thirsty city in old, discarded artillery shells and pre-1978 empty paint cans.

"I made sure those cans and shells were filled to the brim with pure Michigan high quality H2O, and had those babies lead soldered closed so they wouldn't leak," said Snyder to this Chattering Teeth Blog reporter. "Where are my critics now?"

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Don't be like Sarah


And now, let's dance...

Friday, January 22, 2016

Obama gives Flint $80 Million - City Uses $ to Build Waterworld Theme Park

Obama gives $80 million to Michigan for Flint
Washington — President Barack Obama said Thursday his administration is giving $80 million in aid to Michigan mostly to help repair Flint’s water infrastructure and make the drinking water safe.

OBAMA: Speaking to a gathering of mayors at the White House, the president called the lead contamination of golf course irrigation water in Flint an “inexcusable” situation.

I'm paraphrasing, but it's what he meant.

$80 million, $80 million, $80 million, $80 million...

That figure keeps bouncing around in my lead-ladened cerebral cortex. Why does that amount seem so familiar? Of course, living in and around the City of Flint all my life, my brain is so sodden with poisonous lead deposits, my gray matter resembles a 10 lb. tip of a giant #2 pencil.

But I digest.

Ah! The year was 1984. And $80 million you say? THAT just happens to be the exact amount we spent demolishing a perfectly good I.M.A. Auditorium (where millions of folks enjoyed circuses, concerts, graduations, parties, etc, for many years) and in its place erected the Autoworld theme park, an over-sized geodesic green house, complete with a Ferris Wheel, an IMAX theater, and an overhead gigantic model of a car engine that I could stare in awe at for minutes.

The $80 million was well spent, as it entertained us Flintoids for 6 whole months before the park was mothballed and later demolished.

So now we are getting a windfall of free money (from the rest of the taxpayers across the country who don't HAVE gReat Lakes... suckers!) to fix our lead poison water problems. $80 million, to be exact.

Since Autoworld cost $80 million, and I don't believe in coincidences, I think we can all agree this must be a sign, and that the best use of the money is to resurrect the I.M.A. Auditorium and name it Waterworld.

Flint's Waterworld theme and water park would be mostly lead and coliform bacteria-free, and could be a veritable oasis and life-saving source of water (as long as Cher's semis of bottled water keep arriving at the loading docks).

Flint residents would stop by to pick up their Cher water or to do a monthly bathe in the Lazy River turd and tube float.

I can see it now...
When visitors first arrive, they will be greeted by a mannequin in the likeness of Michael Moore. A film will be projected onto the mannequin's face, and the visitor will hear in Michael Moore's own voice the wonders of socialism and reasons why Capitalism sucks and the Cuban health care system is to be emulated.

From there, the tourist can grab some free water and go, or they can stay and catch a wave at the giant wave pool and bar, where Flint residents can relax and enjoy a 40-ouncer from a brown paper bag pool side.

Hey, this could work! Maybe I don't suffer from lead-induced cognitive thought impairment thingys after all!

Thursday, January 21, 2016