Friday, September 4, 2015

Pledge of non-allegiance to the Republican party

Well, since (mouth) Rinse Prissbutt and the RNC are so focused on "Pledges", I thought I'd offer mine:

 “I, DaBlade of Chattering Teeth, affirm that if a true conservative is not the 2016 Republican nominee for President of the United States, I will NOT endorse the 2016 Republican presidential nominee regardless of who it is. I further pledge that I will quite possibly vote for an independent or write-in candidate if the 2016 Republican nominee is Bush, Christie, Graham, Kasich, (and a few others to be named later).

Baleeeeve dat.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Obama stares down Glacier - "Oh no you di'int!"

Headline of the day -

In climate bid, Obama stares down Exit Glacier

SEWARD — President Barack Obama stared down a melting glacier in Alaska on Tuesday in a dramatic use of his presidential pulpit to sound the alarm on climate change.


Awesome! "The High One" stared the Exit Glacier into submission! Such is the magnificent power of The High One's glorious gaze! (Of course, Chattering Teeth News has learned of a potential secret side deal with the Glacier, allowing it to continue to recede due to the laws of nature).

Using my master of disguise (A Polar Bear clinging to an iceberg) I was able to score this exclusive. I asked obama what he was pondering, as he stood at the front of the boat and aimed his glorious gaze off the starboard bow.

OBAMA: "I was just thinking that when I booked this on my schedule, I thought they said a vist with Kanya West. But Kenai Fjords national park is cool too. So when does Ice Cube show up?"


There are 616 officially named glaciers in Alaska. As of today, Obama has 505 days left in office. I am willing to give The High One the benefit of the doubt regarding the power of his stare to stop glaciers in their tracks - but only if he promises to continue his climate study by visiting a glacier per day for the remainder of his reign.

PICTURED: As you can see, this force of nature is clearly GROWING and EXPANDING, not receding.

 But enough about DaBlade's increasing waistline from the cruise ship feed bag buffets last month. In the background is Hubbard Glacier. This glacier is also GROWING and EXPANDING, and I'm left to conclude it is because of the power of my gaze. The fact that it was growing for hundreds of years prior to the willful stare over my coffee cup shouldn't matter, since Obama doesn't mention the fact that the Exit Glacier has been receding for hundreds of years before his bicycle helmetless boat ride.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Trump's Mt McKinley Casino & Resort

Trump promised yesterday, per his Twitter:

President Obama wants to change the name of Mt. McKinley to Denali after more than 100 years. Great insult to Ohio. I will change back!

However, after having slept on the problem, he instead built a new 1620-Story skyscraper next to the mountain. The new Mt. McKinley Casino & Resort becomes the world's tallest building by a factor of about ten, and standing at 30,250 feet tall, is 12 foot taller than the mountain Obama just re-named Denali.

"Now maybe Boehner will stop sobbing," said Trump.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Obama tackling problems by re-naming stuff in Alaska

The economy is crippled; there is more than $200 Trillion in unfunded liabilities; about one hundred million Americans no longer work; illegals are flowing over our open borders; Planned Parenthood continues to murder and dissect human babies; ISIS is on the march and chopping heads; Iran is on the verge of acquiring nuclear weapons and assuring WWIII; Cops in this country are being executed almost daily as a result of the president's race-baiting hate speech... so what did our fearless leader do yesterday?

Americans all across the country let out their breath in a collective sigh of relief when they learned President Obama finally took on an issue that really mattered by re-naming some mountain in Alaska.

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS BREAKING STORY!!!

No sooner did Obama rename Mt. McKinley to 'Denali' during his Alaska trip focusing on climate change, Chattering Teeth News now learns that obama may be retracting that executive order before the ink even dries.

OBAMA: Denali? I thought they said "Da Nelly". As in Nelly the rapper. You know... so "Hot In Herre"?


I mean, what better theme song for my BullSh*t Global Warming agenda then that? (obama starts singing) "Its gettin hot in here ... So take off all your clothes."

MOOSHELL: *begins to disrobe*

OBAMA: NOOOO! Na na nanna now just hold on a second, Michelle! I was just singing a song! Please stop! You're scaring the moose!

NELLY: So whatupdoh, B? You naming me after that mountain, or what?

OBAMA: My advisors did tell me that the Athabascan tribe's word for that mountain translated to mean "the high one". Naturally, I thought of you, my choom bro, Da Nelly. *obama takes hit of bong*

But no, I have a better idea...

WASHINGTON — Obama now re-naming Mt Mckinley to Mount Snoop Dogg because he feels that Snoop's "Drop It Like It's Hot" makes for a catchier Global Warming theme song. Meanwhile, Alaska is experiencine unseasonably cold and snowy summer weather during obama's Global Warming visit. Hmmmm.

 In other Alaska news, the president has also re-named the capital city of Juneau to "NoJews".

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Dr Death in a van down by the river

I have never watched Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel, but that may be about to change. That's because the show's host and lead paranormal investigator, Zak Bagans (any relation to Bilbo?) just bought an old 1968 Volkswagen "assisted suicide" van that was used by Jack "Dr. Death" Kevorkian.

 Rick Harrison of Pawn Stars is right. You never know what is going to come through that door...
Southfield — A pawn shop owner has sold an old Volkswagen van that was used by assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian...
Kevorkian sparked the national right-to-die debate in the 1990s with a homemade suicide machine that ended the lives of about 130 people. He helped people die in their homes, motels and in the back of the 1968 van. Kevorkian died in 2011 at age 83. He spent eight years in prison for second-degree murder after “60 Minutes” aired a video of him giving a lethal injection to a man in 1998.

Zak Bagans be like, "We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious."

I am going out on a limb here and guessing that Zak did not buy this van for the gas mileage or the custom original blood-stained upholstery... (ACTUAL PHOTO OF INTERIOR)

My guess is that Zak plans on using his "ghost channeling" skills in an attempt to contact Dr. Death (and/or his victims) in the back of his creepy mystery machine. (NOT ACTUAL PHOTOS OF EXTERIOR)



I for one am curious what Jack now has to say, and whether Hitler and he are best butt buddies in the sh*t shoveling pits.

Many of you (none of you) probably remember my fake interview with Jack "Dr Death" Kevorkian back in 2008 after he announced a congressional run. I'm guessing most of you have it bookmarked in your favs,
clawed at your eyesbut for the rest of you... here is an excerpt with Dr. Death explaining how his new "Vote and/or Die" voting machine invention works.


Jack: I have created the perfect polling booth. With a few modifications installed in the back of each booth, you have the first ever error-proof voting machine! In fact, I have offered to install these free of charge all over the 9th Congressional district.

Me: Cool! How does it work?

Jack: It's proprietary information. Let's just say there are computer chips and vote recognition software and just leave it at that. Would you like to try the demo machine?

Me: Errr. Sure. Hey, what are these wires that are connected to the button for your opponent? Why do they lead to this car battery and what are these test tubes of colorful liquids, this series of pulleys and a hydraulic powered syringe doing here?

Jack: It's all very technical, but it is to ensure accuracy. In fact, Hillary had planned on using this baby in the do-over primary against Obama, but it doesn't look like she will get the chance to give this baby a test spin now. Go ahead. You can be the first. Make your selection. Vote for me, or vote for that other guy.

Me: I'm sorry Mr. Death. You scare me. I'm afraid I need to vote for this other guy... *press* Ow! What was that!?

Jack: That is the sweet sound of democracy in play.

Me: I feel sleepy. Hey! Where'd the tunnel come from? I see a light. You in there Mr. Death?

Jack: Please. Just call me "doctor". Or better yet. Call me "Congressman".


Jack received 2.6% of the 2008 vote in his bid for Michigan's 9th congressional district. Thankfully, he never received a patent for his invention (or by my math, Bloomfield Hills would have lost 97.4% of their voters)

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Is Trump a clown to you?

The Left wing hacks that make up the mainstream media have been trying very hard to paint Donald Trump as a "clown" with story after story using that term (and worse) since his announcement to run for president.

Libtards will always tell you who they fear by who they attack, and it is clear to anyone paying attention that a  "President Trump" scares the hell out of them. After all, Trump is the only reason anyone is talking about actually building the wall to stop the flood of illegals, and that is why he is resonating.

That is also why "The Jebster" jumped on board earlier this month in the name-calling -

(Jeb Bush Allegedly Calls Donald Trump ‘Buffoon,’ ‘Clown’ and ‘Asshole’)

This is not surprising, because The Jebster is nothing more than a GOP establishment tool. He is just the next in line as the establishment's selection of a moderate, elitist appeaser that offers no real difference between the horror show that is the democrat party.

Tea Party conservatives are not buying what the GOP establishment is selling anymore. After handing the Republicans the House and Senate in landslide elections in 2012 and the midterms in 2014 after their tough talk and campaign promises to repeal the abortion that is Obamacare, the Republicans instead offered no resistance to Obama's lawlessness. (Hell, they FUNDED it!).

And so I say this to "the establishment". I have had enough of your Romneys. Your Doles and McCains. Most assuredly, I have had enough of the Bushs. I, for one, will not vote this cycle for the first time in my adult life (my first election at the age of 19 in 1980 was the great Ronaldus Maximus) if the Republicans nominate Bush, or Graham, or Christie, or Kasich, or... well, you get the drift. While I am not endorsing Trump, I can promise you I would enthusiastically vote for the man.

As for being a clown? I guess I'm OK with that, based on who he has been hugging. We have had enough of the long line of GOP "Chuckles the ass-clowns". Time for a Pennywise, if you ask me.

Speaking of left wing hacks, I loved Trump shutting down the fake journalist from Uno-vision, WhoreHay IgnoRamos recently.

WhoreHay jumps the line (what a surprise there) and instead of asking a question, he attempts to push his America-destroying agenda with a filibuster whiny diatribe. This strategy normally works with a GOP milquetoast candidate.  Instead, Trump has him booted.

I love this guy!

Saturday, August 22, 2015

NEW PLANNED PARENTHOOD VIDEO - "Black Fetus Accessories Matter!"

The latest release in the secretly recorded Planned Parenthood video series shows a CEO of a Women's clothing and accessories retailer joking about the latest line of blouses made from aborted baby faces while snacking on freeze-dried fruit and human embryo trail mix .

Not really, but that may very well be the next video. If you haven't been disgusted yet by the actual videos exposing these barbaric slaughter houses, than I expect you have already lost your soul.



HILLARY: 'I Admire Margaret Sanger...Her VISION' ('A RACE of THOROUGHBREDS')


I have said for more than 22 years that abortion should be legal, safe and rare. How else would my XXL pantsuits stitched from negro baby faces increase in value?

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Alaskan Cruise - The Lost Blog Diaries (Final Chapter)

Dear Towel Monkey,

To most cruise passengers, you were nothing more than a collection of washcloths and hand towels that were manipulated, rolled, folded and twisted - then left suspended from a hangar strategically placed in their staterooms. But if I may quote Spock from the Wrath of Khan for just a moment, please know this - "I have been, and always shall be, your friend."

I knew you would appreciate that Spock quote, Towel Monkey. After all, we did talk deep into the night sharing our thoughts on all the Star Trek movies (when I returned to the room after a long night spent at The Quill and Compass, or the Schooner Bar). You didn't say much, evidently preferring to just hang in there and listen. But you also didn't judge.

I could have shared any number of the hundreds of pictures taken during my Alaskan cruise of the Inside Passage. But when you've seen one snow-capped mountain range, Bald Eagle, Humpback and Killer whale or Glacier, you've seen them all. But you, Towel Monkey, were unique (other than the other 1200 or so stateroom versions).

That is why I have deep regret for how I treated you that next morning.  'Inside passage' indeed.

Now before I get all sorts of hate mail comments from PETTA activists (People for the Ethical Treatment of Towel Animals), please know that I used every part of the little fella. Like an Alaskan Inuit carving up a whale kill, Every washcloth and towel was used and nothing was left to waste.

Ahhh, but do not grieve, blog. It is logical. The needs of the cruise ship passenger outweigh the needs of the Towel Monkey.

"...of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most... human."

THE END

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Alaskan Cruise - The Lost Blog Diaries of Chattering Teeth

"It will be fun!", they said... Zzzzzzz

cue wavy lines for blog dream sequence

Blizzard winds blow the yellowed and torn parchment across the ice. A young Eskimo boy stops his dogsled and picks it up...

Day 5
It has been five days since our Royal Caribbean cruise ship, Radiance of the Seas, froze solid in a passing glacier. I am starting to regret our little party's decision to take off on our own over the ice. I can't be positive, but I think we might have taken a wrong turn at our last baby seal kill (glad I brought that table leg)...  we likely wandered thru the Bering Strait and into the Arctic Circle. It was certainly nice of the Radiance Captain, Sir Earnest Shackleton, to let us keep our assigned steward. At least we have a Sherpa who can also sing and juggle ice cubes during our breaks. (if we get thru this, sir, I'm putting a little extra something on top of that 18%!!) I'm worried though... Not sure how much longer we can hold on... Our steward says we are down to our last bottle of champagne and after that, no more mimosas. Nights are the worst out here on this ice desert. It might have something to do with the "half Polar Bear, half 'Squatch" creature stalking us...I sure am glad I brought this typewriter...



Will our hero be rescued before he becomes a frozen blogcycle? Is there enough roasted seal veal and mimosas for tomorrow's breakfast? How many show tunes does this cruise steward know before he starts to repeat himself? Oh, and will author Dan Simmons file suit for plagiarizing his scary creature from his book, The Terror?

Check back later for the exciting conclusion!!!

Sunday, August 2, 2015

PLANNED PRIDEHOOD - Lion King Redux

This remake of the Disney animation classic, Lion King, currently in production is said to be "State-friendly" and will help "educate" today's youth. The movie will feature Simba, Nala and some of the others from the original cast, and it promises to be a direct response to those mean and nasty pro life zealots who don't believe in a lionesses' rights.


PICTURED: Promotional poster prototype for Planned Pridehood. Remember kiddies, its not really a viable cub until it leaves Pride Rock. In fact, says Rafiki, “Sometimes, if someone delivers before we get to see them for a procedure, then the furry fetus is intact!”

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Unless you're a democrat voter, you are aware of the releases of a series of videos exposing Planned Parenthood facilities for what they are - macabre, nazi-like torture, mutilation and death chambers where the chief function is the murder and harvesting for sale of organs from unborn (or newly born) babies.

If you ARE a democrat voter, then you are well aware of the "mean and evil" white hunter who recently murdered Cecil the Lion. You look at this act as a senseless murder and it has you outraged. The former (if some knowledge nugget of this did squeeze thru the blackout gauntlet)... not so much.

Now comes, PLANNED PRIDEHOOD, an animation with a mission to desensitize youth to the butchery these videos exposed and to de-program any child unfortunate enough to have been raised in an "un-progressive" Christian household that values life. *egads!*

***This blog reporter is a master of disguise, and was able to execute this deep undercover assignment by cross-dressing as a Planned Parenthood "Nurse Hatchet". I wore the standard "Liberal Woman" costume from my disguise closet (a butch wig and an inflatable Sumo wrestler suit) - but added a blood-flecked XXXXL smock. This allowed easy peasy access to the animation production studios and executive offices posing as a consultant, where I was able to liberate the plot summary and a few story boards.     

PLOT: Simba knocks up Nala in the tall grass, then splits and leaves her for a transgendered lion with a shaved mane. ("pride" indeed!). Nala decides that the cub she is carrying is no longer a wanted tissue mass, so she goes to see Rafiki, the local Baboon abortionist witch doctor for a 'procedure'.

SCENE: All the animals laugh, dance and grind around to the tune, Circle of Death, as Nala makes her way to Pride Rock and Rafiki's sterile scalpel.

From the day we arrive on the planet... we pledge our loyalty to The State... And we find our place on the path unwinding
In the Circle... The Circle of Death!

Now, poor Nala went into labor on her long walk, and ended up delivering in Rafiki's waiting room hut. One of the hyena nurses giggled and stated, "Its a boy! And its intact!"  Another hyena says, "Let's kill it!"

"Not before we give him a name. How about, Cecil?" *LAUGH* *LAUGH*


SCENE: Rafiki stands on the edge of the cliff at Pride Rock, he holds the squirming unwanted fetus cub up for the animals to watch, as he slits its throat to wild cheers, and the animals dance, sing and grind to the song, "Can You Feel The Blood Tonight."

Meanwhile,

FADE IN: Timon and Pumbaa... I can see what's happening (What?)
And they don't have a clue (Who?)
Quiet! Here comes our intact cub organs and other lion baby parts we purchased!



Now, unbeknownst to Rafiki and his heartless gaggle of assistant hyenas, Doctor Scar was on a nearby rock secretly shooting Cecil with a video camera as his throat was cut as the nurses joked about carving him up.

HORRORS!!!  A Planned Pridehood paparazzi!!! He will probably somehow edit his film to make what we do somehow look wrong!!!

END plot summary. You'll just have to go see the movie when it comes out to see how it ends.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Killing Zeke


Zeke is our White Sheperd puppy. He enjoys playing fetch with his favorite orange ball, and loves to play tug-o-war with his white stuffed 'lambie' toy with the obnoxious squeakers. Here is the latest Youtube video of Zeke in action. I'm sure it will go viral.

Zeke's diet, until recently, consisted of homemade dog food prepared by Mrs. DaBlade in the crock pot or oven, whichever the latest recipe called for. Usually she would cook a dish with chicken and/or beef with various vegetables, but always with the secret super puppy ingredient. Hint: I really miss the aroma of simmering sardines wafting through the house. *sarcasm*

Apparently, Zeke gets bored when left alone for four hours and fills his time by reading. I imagine he pads over to browse the collection on the bookshelf, pulling out a single selection, curling up on his bed to read.  When finished, I imagine he carefully replaces each tome in its slot and takes another. That is, until...

Zeke's first birthday isn't until September 5th, but already he has proven to be a discerning literary critic. This picture is Zeke's recent book reviews of Bill O'Reilly's 'Killing Jesus' and 'Killing Lincoln'. Definitely "Four Paws Down".

Many other books were within reach but no others were out of place except for these two. I have no other explanation than to believe that Zeke is not a fan of O'Reilly. I agree, Zeke. Too moderate.

Zeke loves when my middle son and wife pops in with their two dogs, Krueger and Koda. Krueger is Zeke's brother, and Koda is a 4-yr-old beautiful black and tan female Sheperd who doesn't usually care for the brother's rambunctiousness. Koda also loves to play fetch and usually wins the race to the ball, but Zeke always picks her pocket by taking it from her - no matter how many times she tries to spin away from him. 
Left to right: Zeke, Koda, Krueger

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Jebster's Campaign of Love

Jeb Bush Says He Was "herido" by Trump Remarks About Mexicans.

and now... reminiscent of President Abraham Lincoln's whistle-Stop speeches from the back of trains...

Jeb Bush horn-honk campaign from the back of illegals pickup truck in full swing.

 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

equal immigration footing

Obama: New citizens can skip pledge to take up arms and defend the U.S.
US Citizenship and Immigration Services on Tuesday said it will no longer require incoming U.S. citizens to pledge that they will "bear arms on behalf of the United States" or "perform noncombatant service" in the Armed Forces as part of the naturalization process. Those lines are in the Oath of Allegiance that people recite as they become U.S. citizens. But USCIS said people "may" be able to exclude those phrases for reasons related to religion or if they have a conscientious objection. .

At least this puts them on equal footing with the millions of illegal immigrants, who by definition are not swearing allegiance to this country.


The current naturalization oath (with the highlighted changes I expect to see soon)

"I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen;  embrace and recognize the United Nations as having jurisdiction over a Republican House and Senate; that I will support and defend the fundamental transformation of the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; Christian conservative tea party white people and cops; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; take advantage of free health care, education, food stamps, and welfare that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I swear allegiance to the henceforth perpetually elected Democrat party; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; (or after a visit from Ambassador Bill Cosby and his bag of very persuasive "puddin' pops") so help me Obama

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Will Barack Hussein Obama make historic visit to muslim killer's sanctuary mosque?

...and become the first sitting President to read from the koran and give the eulogy in honor of the terrorist who just murdered four United States Marines?

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Unless you're a democrat voter, you know that Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez (Moe) is the 24-year-old Kuwaiti-born terrorist who opened fire at two military facilities in Chattanooga, Tennessee on Thursday, killing four Marines, before he was given a lead ticket straight to hell.

That part is true. The rest of the story may be a complete fig newton of my machinations, albeit utterly believable.

According to shariah law, Moe's bullet-riddled body had to be buried as soon as possible from the time of death, and so his funeral arrangements were necessarily a little hasty.

However, since Moe was not a beautiful white woman killed by an illegal immigrant with seven felony convictions, obama was able to rearrange his schedule (change his tee time) to attend Moe's service and give the eulogy at the local imam's request.

While the service was closed to all but family members, this blog reporter was able to execute this deep undercover assignment without incident. Regular readers know I take pride as a master of disguise and an uncanny ability to transform myself into a different person (or camel) for each blog assignment. Sometimes I just need a fake mustache and a bogus French accent. Other times I have to go the extra mile by putting bologna slices in each shoe. It depends on the assignment and what's needed to accomplish complete assimilation. To become one with my surroundings - veritably invisible in plain sight by watchful eyes.

Going through my disguise closet, I came across my goat costume. No way, Jose'! Who needs THAT "hurt locker"?

I got to the mosque early for surreptitious entry (climbed through window opposite of mecca), and was immediately promoted as the new self-appointed Muslim funeral director - the old one was "tied up" in a nearby closet. I can't swear that I prepared Moe's corpse strickly according to their islamic tradition by washing (“Ghusl”) and shrouding (“Kafan”), but I did give him a good yellow "Gushy" and the ol' number two "Krapan" before rolling him up in a persian rug like an over-sized Golumpki.

I knew the prayer service was about to begin when folks started bobbing foreheads to the ground.


OBAMA EULOGY EXCERPT: Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez could have been me 35 years ago. Moe, and other young jihadists have made mistakes that aren't that different than the mistakes I made. There is a fine line between president and terrorist. There but for the grace of allah go I.

Now I wasn't there, and as usual, don't have any facts, but whoever gunned down young Moe acted stupidly. Young and gentle Moe may have made a mistake, but that doesn't excuse law enforcement and military personnel to make the same mistake by bringing firearms onto a military base. 


Further, I'm told he had his hands up and yelled "don't shoot". At some point, we will have to reckon with the fact that this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries. They're killin' teens, they're killin' dreams!

As president, I want all of you to know that young Moe's life will not have been forfeited in vain. As you know, organ donation is generally acceptable for Muslims, as it follows the koran’s teaching that "Whosoever saves the life of one person it would be as if he saved the life of all mankind." With that said, I will be signing an executive order this afternoon, and the four marine corpseman's (sic) bodies will be seized, sliced up and the organs sold for parts by the local Planned Parenthood.

END EXCERPT

Thursday, July 16, 2015

No Life on Pluto, says Planned Parenthood SpokesKiller

Apparently, we have some spaceship doing a flyby of the dwarf planet Pluto, and NASA has just released this amazing image!

Yet another orb in this solar system devoid of intelligent life.
NOTE: Yes, I recycled an old image of mine from 2012 -
Did Mars Rover Curiosity Already Find Life?!

I wonder if the Martians and Plutonians realize they can make money harvesting the organs from these aborted tissue masses ?