Tuesday, May 31, 2016

If Hillary Fell Into a Gorilla Enclosure, What Would You Do?

It makes for an interesting philosophical question: If Hillary Clinton fell into a gorilla enclosure, would the silverback gorilla smoke a cigar and go golfing?

Or a twist in a popular meme in the wild: If Trump and Hillary are stranded at the bottom of a gorilla enclosure, who survives?... America. America survives.

This puzzle is like one of those mind experiment riddle thingys: What do you do if Hillary falls into a gorilla enclosure with no doors or windows, but there is a mirror and a table... and a high powered rifle on the concourse?

One thing we know for certain, not even a 400-lb  male Western lowland silverback gorilla (let's call this ficticious monkey, "Bubbarambe" for expedience) would be able to get a grip on one of Hillary's cankles. If anyone is in danger of getting dragged around the enclosure, it's the great ape.

A tranquilizer dart would be the more humane option that didn't really present itself recently in the Cincinnati Zoo incident due to immediate danger. However, in my thought experiment mind melt above - we have concluded that Bubbarambe would likely give Hillary a wide berth, making a tranquilizer dart the better option for rescue. Tomorrow's riddle: What dosage would you need to bring down the Hildebeast?

Monday, May 30, 2016

From the First Family Dogs, Sunny and Bo, to all of you... Happy Memorial Day!


The wife and I stopped by the local Home Depot after church yesterday to buy a power washer, deck stain and assorted rollers and accessories. Apparently, my wife believes that Memorial Day weekend is meant to be spent in hard labor around the homestead. I reminded her that the day is set aside to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedoms, and "how am I supposed to do that while working?" She reminded me that weekends squandered in leisure is not considered an 'ultimate sacrifice', and to "quit yer whining!"

So there I was, pushing the cart of goodies toward the exit just past the hot dog vendor. The misses must have been feeling some fraction of guilt for the lash marks on my back, as she nodded at the hot dog vendor while telling me, "go ahead".

The peddler and purveyor of these plump and prodigious redhots was a young female working alone. Apparently, she was expected to multitask as the chef AND the cashier. I placed my order for a hot dog.

I should have known she was not fully trained when she asked, "What kind? A regular hot dog or a Vienna?"

I was momentarily confused and felt slight vertigo by her question, and wondered if I mistakenly used my fake French accent when placing my order - thereby throwing her off and eliciting her question. I shook off my momentary fugue, and answered in my very best Flint accent, "Vienna, daaaaang girl!"

While she was 'preparing' my post-Home Depot feast, I engaged her in a palaver of verbal confabulation for my own amusement. "I'm sure you are aware, madame - as you are in the business so to speak - that Merriam-Webster just recently declared by decree that the hot dog shall henceforth be considered a sandwich. How does this make you feel?"

She giggled and said she had not heard this and she didn't care one way or the other.

I searched her eyes and face for tics or other tells that might suggest a lack of veracity or that she might somehow be involved in this conspiracy. Finding none, I determined that she really hadn't read or heard about this frankfurter travesty of justice. This immediately enraged me. How can Home Depot enlist a hot dog vendor who doesn't keep up on the very latest hot dog news!?

Calling a hot dog a sandwich? You might as well say the Earth is flat! or that anthropogenic Global Warming is a thing! Or that Donald Trump is a conservative!

I slathered a healthy portion of mustard and onions on my vienna and stormed through the exit, mumbling unintellibles all the way to the car.

THE END

REGARDING the photoshop of Obama feasting on the First Family Portugese Water dogs, Sunny and Bo. While it's true Obama has enjoyed eating playful puppies in his sordid past, he has yet to consume Sunny and Bo (as far as I know). No mother from Cincinnati has tossed her 4-year-old toddler over the fence and into the White House enclosure - so they seem safe for now.

A recent 'news' story suggests these dogs are have a busy schedule.
Hardly a dog's life for Obama's pets Bo and Sunny


I thought for sure they would have deleted my comment (below) but is still there as of this post.
"I like to lay on the floor with them and blow in their face. I like to make them run and chase each other.  But they're so cute, I just love to just cuddle them and massage them."

At first blush, I thought this was a quote from Bill Clinton regarding the Lewinski 'puppies'.


And now, a special treat from last year...




So in conclusion, a hot dog may be a sandwich, but it will never be a sammich!

THE END II

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Newt Gingrich's coat button for VP?


Another article that seems to believe Gingrich would be a smart VP pick for Trump.
But Gingrich is an ideas guy who already has Trump’s ear. Picking Newt would also take Georgia completely off the table for the Democrats as Newt is still beloved in the northern Atlanta suburbs. Newt would get a number of conservatives on board as well.

Picking Newt would do more than just "take Georgia completely off the table." His coat button could potentially take out the entire east coast.

I said it in 2011 that Newt Gingrich's coat button stood the best chance of taking out Barack Obama in 2012 but nobody listened. The coat button has done nothing but increase in torque and tension ever since - and when it finally blows, somebody is gonna lose more than an eye.

I have run the numbers (on my vintage 1970's Playskool abacus), and have estimated the amount of stored kinetic energy coiled in Newt's coat button has the equivalent punch as that of a tactical battlefield SAM (suitcoat-to-air missile).

Callista Gingrich has lived with the clear and present danger of a coat button eruption from Mount NewtSuitvius for 16 years. Popocat├ępetl may be an active volcano in Mexico, but it's pyroclastic punch pales to the potential of Newt's Pop-a-coat-petl thingy. Suffice to say, just put the kids in the hallway with a book over their heads if Callista calls for Taco Tuesday.

It has been assumed that Newt has been auditioning to be Trump's VP for some time, as I pointed out a few months ago in my spectacularly hilarious piece "Texts From Newt".

If Trump does tap Newt, he would do well to keep him away from the well-armored Hillary. An inopportune coat button launch could deflect off her cankle and result in a horrific friendly fire incident.

Newt would certainly help to coalesce the republican establishment to the Trump ticket. As for true conservatives? I do appreciate the roll Newt's coat button played in shutting down the government and in a roll reversal, taking Billy Clinton to his knees. But how can we be sure Newt's coat button is aiming in the right direction any more?

Friday, May 20, 2016

You're doin' fine, Oklahoma! Oklahoma O.K.



Oklahoma Passes Bill to Suspend Medical Licenses of Any Doctor Who Does Abortions
A bill headed to Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin’s desk this week would strip abortionists of their medical licenses and basically ban abortions in the state. The bill describes an abortion as “unprofessional conduct” and prohibits Oklahoma medical licensure officials from renewing or granting licenses to doctors who do abortions, except to save the mother’s life...


“unprofessional conduct”... now THERE'S an understatement. And abortions never 'save' a woman's life but always take at least one. But why quibble? I'd rather sing!


Wednesday, May 18, 2016

The First ThanksFacebookgiving


The blogosphere is wound tight with anxiety and anticipation for the answer to this trending questions: When Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg meets with a select group of prominent conservatives today at his headquarters in Menlo Park, California, will the tall and handsome Chattering Teeth founder and reclusive conservative blogger known simply as DaBlade be among them? 

Conservative radio host Glenn Beck said he was hopeful about the meeting, and that "It would be interesting to look him in the eye as he explains..."

Well, the Chattering Teeth Blog HAS NEVER trended on his liberally biased trending news feeds, and I want him to look me in my red and puffy bloodshot eyes and explain THAT ONE to me!


BREAKING!!!! Chattering Teeth News has this exclusive inter-office Facebook memo...

- MEMO -

TO: All FB Employees
FROM: Mark Zuckerberg
DATE: 5/18/2016
SUBJECT: Conservatives Alert!

In anticipation of the conservative contingent gathering on foreign Facebook soil, I have instructed the chef's in the lunchroom to prepare celebration feast of Tofurkey. I also wanted to give some strategy tips for their visit here, as I know this will be a first contact any of you have had with a conservative.

It’s best to alert conservatives of your presence by talking loudly, singing songs or breaking sticks. Try to meet in groups, in established conference rooms and during work hours. Do not ever be caught in an enclosed cubicle after hours when conservatives are known to be in the area.

I also want to dispel any myths you may have heard about conservatives. Some of this is just speculation on my part, but I do not believe its true that they have poor eyesight, or that you should play dead if they attack you with any of those sharp fact thingys they wield with such ease. Please feel free to retreat to the designated 'triggered' areas and 'safe spaces' if this occurs.

Lastly, in deference to our guests, please use the correct bathrooms for today only. And if you happen to be menstruating, for Gaia's sake, STAY HOME today.


LIKE

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Saturday, May 14, 2016

A JOINT STATEMENT FROM DONALD J TRUMP AND HIS PSEUDO SELF-MASQUERADING PUBLICIST, JOHN MILLER

Chattering Teeth News - I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with Donald J Trump and his pseudo self-masquerading Publicist, John Miller for an exclusive interview.

BLADE: First off, thank you for doing this Mister Trump. I though John Miller was going to be joining us today?

JOHN MILLER: I'm right here, okay? And do me a favor. Call me MISTER Miller, Publicist for the great Mister Donald J Trump. It's just a thing, I worked so tremendously hard to get that title, so I'd appreciate it.

BLADE: Errr... uh, Donald? All you did was shift in your chair and put your itty bitty tiny left hand in front of your mouth. I can tell that was you answering as if you were this John Miller character.

TRUMP: You’re telling me about it for the first time and that didn't sound like my voice at all, okay? I have many, many people that are trying to imitate my voice and then you can imagine that.

MILLER: This sounds like one of the scams, one of the many scams — he doesn’t sound like me.

BLADE: RIGHT THERE! You just did it again!

TRUMP: When was this, 25 years ago?

BLADE: It was literally less than 25 seconds ago, but whatever. So, Mister Trump... or Mister Miller... whomever it is I am now addressing. Please answer this question - It's 3am in the White House during a President Trump administration. The phone rings on the crisis hotline. Who answers the phone? John Miller?

TRUMP: Frankly, I can't promise that Madonna won't pick up the phone, okay? That I will tell you.

MILLER: But if the Kremlin's phone rings at 3am and the caller asks Russian President Putin if he has Prince Edwards in a can... that won't be Mister Trump, believe me.

BLADE: Well, we are out of time. Thank you... both for doing this.

A JOINT STATEMENT FROM DONALD J TRUMP AND HIS PSEUDO SELF-MASQUERADING PUBLICIST, JOHN MILLER

The United States cannot afford another twenty-five years with Donald Trump and John Miller masquerading as two separate entities. Donald J Trump is a very successful businessman and due in no small part to John Miller's efforts, which is why he has been paid a tremendous, tremendous amount of money over the years. That is why we have taken a very positive step toward unification, as I officially announce my running mate as John Miller. Trump/Miller 2016!

THE END

Friday, May 13, 2016

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Did Researchers Uncover Transgender Bathroom in King Tut's Tomb?

Recent radar scans of King Tut's Tomb in search for hidden chambers yielded "conflicting results."

As I was reading this linked article, I was well into the second sentence dealing with 'Egyptology' when I noticed my eyelids beginning to droop. "Have I been hit with a tranquilizer dart again?," I mused... as I started going numb. I feeel... sooo... sleeeepy... Zzzzz.

Chattering Teeth News - Today's deep undercover blog assignment takes me to Cairo, Egypt and the Second Annual Tutankhamun Grand Egyptian Museum Conference, where I will be testing my theory that the ancient pyramids were actually gender-neutral restrooms, and not grain silos - as argued by Dr. Ben Carson.

I was able to get a ticket to this conference on Stub Hub, though thankfully my negotiation skills enabled me to talk the Egyptian scalper down from his original asking price of "my first born son." I was just happy to have that old 'Bangles' vinyl album he wanted so badly, and I had already listened to the title track non-stop for the past 2 weeks as research for this undercover assignment.

Regular readers know I take pride as a master of disguise and an uncanny ability to transform myself into a different person (or pharaoh) for each blog assignment. Had I known I would gain ingress to King Tut's sanctuary with relative ease under cover of darkness, I would have spent less time on my disguise - a bath towel skort, a shirtless upper torso adorned with costume jewelry and my favorite sea shell necklace purchased from a Daytona Beach vendor in 1978, and a "ceremonial headress" I fashioned from a few socks and a feathered boa scarf from my college days.

As I approached the burial chamber, I tried desperately to remember how to "walk like an Egyptian" so as not to draw attention to myself. "Let's see... elbows at right angles with one arm up and one down... each hand forming a sort of sock puppet... head on a swivel..." I started to perspire nervously, as I tried to recall my intense Bangles training. Then I remembered to channel my "John Kasich" karate chops.

IT WORKED! I WAS IN!

I advanced through the darkened tomb Using the light from my lighter. Somewhere nearby was Mister T's final resting place - and this was an active archaeological dig site, so I walked gingerly and reverently in my disposable powdered blue hospital booties.

I wanted to be as respectful as I possibly could while conducting my advanced research, so I crushed out my smoldering cigar in the huge bathtub-sized ashtray with the funny man sculture inside that dominated the center of the room. "Now where could that boy king be buried," I wondered aloud.

It was then that the flickering light from my Bic danced across what appeared to be some paintings on the wall. I wondered if this was a new and exciting discovery I had made or if these "hieroglyphics" (for lack of a better word) had already been noticed by the researchers who had trod here before me. Probably not. Hacks.

It was then, when I noticed something vaguely familiar about a certain wall drawing of a man in a skirt. What WAS it? I just couldn't seem to put my finger on it... And then it struck me! EUREKA! My research will RE-WRITE the history books to a GREATER DEGREE than common core EVER COULD!


So in conclusion, the ancient Egyptians used transgendered bathrooms, perpetuating culture rot and helping to led to their ultimate destruction.

It was time for me to go, but like many here before me, I wanted to leave a little something of myself behind for 'posterior' sake.  With a can of blood red spray paint, I tagged over these childish drawings with this:

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt"

I felt comfortable in the knowledge that my addition to this graffiti wall added a little class to this otherwise humorless tomb.

THE END

Monday, May 9, 2016

The Mercurians

As I wrife thiz, the plantet Mercury iz paszing between the Earth and the sun. (I an cuwwently on tha plant Eartg.) I stard ay this frim mu baxkyatd fir an hpur so i dont zee so guud but iy waz totajjy woryh iy!

Some say this event foretells of an apocalyptic doomsday. All I can say to that is, Trump isn't president yet.



Sunday, May 8, 2016

Happy Day, Muthas Sale at Target

Today only!
If you're like me, you're tired of not finding cute shoes in your size.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

What was Trump doing on the grassy knoll?

The speculation during the highly contentious Republican primaries has been that the Democrat Party, hand-in-hand with the mainstream media, was simply waiting for Donald Trump to secure the nomination before unloading with both barrels from their voluminous stockpile of anti-Trump material. But who knew they were sitting on THIS bombshell? 

And so it begins, starting with a taste of his own medicine.



Chattering Teeth News - Just what was 17-year-old Donald Trump doing on this grassy knoll on June 14, 1963? Right prior to JFK being shot and nobody even brings it up. I mean, they don't even talk about that. That was reported and nobody talks about it. I mean what was he doing shortly before the death, I mean, before the shooting? It's horrible. The American people deserve to know.

"Frankly, when I said back in January that I could 'shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters', I meant it, believe me," Trump told Fox and Friends.

"Maybe Hillary should shut her yapper or her cankles will be dodging more than imaginary Bosnian sniper-fire, this I will tell you."

Friday, May 6, 2016

Spuds pileup on I77

Big rig crash spills 50K pounds of potatoes across I-77

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — A portion of Interstate 77 will be shut down for hours early Friday morning after a tractor-trailer crashed, spilling thousands of potatoes across the highway.

This news story made me very sad as I am a huge fan of semi-tractor trailers loaded with  potatoes. But when life gives you lemons, just make twice-baked mashed potatoes. Or compose a very bad limerick.

A  truck driver to sleep had forgotten
hauling potatoes on I-77 near Wilkinson
crashed into the guard rail
causing engine to sail
but 25 tons of au gratin


Thursday, May 5, 2016

Future Flint

It was only yesterday when President Obama visited the ravaged city of Flint and told it's destitute residents, "I've got your back." But today... today something was... different.

As the sun rose over the city of Flint, the citizens awoke to find a shiny new megalopolis of the future.

THANKS OBAMA! 

or maybe it's just the symptoms of advanced lead poisoning.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

OBITS: GOP succumbs to itty bitty baby hands


Chattering Teeth News - The Republican Party (GOP), 162, died May 3, 2016 in the State of Indiana following a battle with itty bitty tiny baby hands syndrome.

Born on March 20, 1854 in a schoolhouse in Ripon, Wisconsin, the GOP was the anti-slavery party dedicated to preserving the union. Ironically, the ravages of small hands disease transformed it into the party of white supremacists and neo-Nazis dedicated to the union's destruction.

During life, the GOP loved the Constitution, limited government, freedom, liberty, free markets, and quiet walks on the beach collecting shells.

Left to cherish it's memory are the close family of #NeverTrump patriots and roughly 42% of Republican voters who have an unfavorable view of Trump and will never vote for the orange-faced, narcissistic, NY liberal, reality TV star.

In lieu of flowers, Trump supporters may make campaign contribution checks payable directly to"Hillary for America". That is, if they are capable of using their pathetically small and atrophied hand to grasp an ink pen.