Sunday, August 31, 2014

Obama Responds to Release of Michael Sam

Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player, has been released by the St. Louis Rams organization and...

many fear this discriminatory action will lead to unrest in the Ferguson inner city gay community.

obama may not yet have a strategy to deal with the likes of ISIS (who remains busy mass-slaughtering Christians and beheading journalists), the president DOES have an emergency plan to deal with this "Sam" crisis and is using the full force and weight of office to deal with this growing threat of unrest.

PICTURED: President Obama (via video stream from latest fundraiser) rocks out his new "Captain Obvious" suit (from fame) after receiving criticism for wearing a tan suit.

OBAMA: Uhhh...  Let me be clear. I don't want to get the cart before the horse, but I know for a fact that Michael is "Ram Tough", if you're picking up what I'm laying down. Therefore, I have instructed the Justice Department to open a federal civil rights investigation into the release of the first openly gay football player, Michael Sam. They are on the ground and along with the FBI, they are devoting substantial resources to thaaaat investigation.

I am also dispatching Attorney General, Eric Holder, to the St. Louis front offices to determine exactly how they acted stupidly in Sam's release, and to begin building that civil Rights case against them.

In an apparently move to stave off the anticipated angry reaction by the Ferguson inner city gay community, obama has preemptively  dispatched the National Guard to protect all Missouri Bed, Bath & Beyonds from looting.

A league source said earlier this week that the Rams would like to bring Sam back to their 10-man practice squad, as there locker room has been clutter-free and shower area has never been cleaner.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Robin William's ghost kills at this year's Chinese Hungry Ghost Festival

The recently departed American comedian, Robin Williams, made a surprise guest appearance at this year's Chinese Hungry Ghost Festival (7th Aug 2013 - 4th Sep 2013) and performed an impromptu stand-up, much to the delight of the crowd.

With roots in Buddhism, the Hungry Ghost Festival is a time of honouring ancestors and appeasing the ’hungry’ ghosts that wander the world of the living when the ‘Gates of Hell’ are opened once a year.

It is believed that these Gates of Hell are opened once a year during the Hungry Ghost Month and all the lost and hungry ghosts of hell are free to roam the living world. To appease these lost souls and to prevent them from causing the living harm, people put food out for the ghosts to enjoy. Elaborate ceremonies and rituals are also performed to please the ghosts

I go to the ghost festival every year, as I am a huge fan of Chinese operas, puppet shows, and animal juggling. Hey, who isn't? Besides, it's a cheap vacation, as I always travel via an out-of-body experience by assuming the cross-legged trance position, clutching my brown bag and burning my special incense.

So I finally get there and the entire first row was empty (as always), so I took a seat and waited for the next act. That's when Robin William's ghost floats on stage wearing a mock Islamofacist Hijab.

"Goooooooood morning Hong Kong! It's 0900 hours. What does the "O" stand for? O my God, it's HOT down there! And the jokes on me, cuz I apparently am one of the 72 virgins that crowd was promised."

The crowd of live people laughed and clapped uproariously, as Williams continued the harried rapid-fire comedy pace he was well known for. The Chinese-speaking audience couldn't understand a single word he was saying, but they seemed to be enjoying the show. Come to think of it, I could never understand what the heck this cat was saying either, but I always seemed to laugh too.

At one point, William's jokes fell flat when he insulted the audience by saying, "I don't think you're smarter than anybody else, but you've convinced a lot of us you are...."


But then he seemed to recover quickly: "..One problem that I've had today is keeping my Wongs straight."

...and the crowd ROARED and was back in his corner.

There are standard "hungry ghost" jokes every deceased performer gravitates too, and Williams was no different. Groaners like: "What do skeletons say before they begin dining?... Bone appetit." and "Where do hungry ghosts buy their food?... At the ghost-ery store!"

Jokes that were not funny in and of themselves, but made to be hilarious by William's delivery, as he waved his arms and strutted the stage back and forth, delivering various lines by alternating between a deep then cartoon squeaky voice."

At the conclusion, Robin William's ghost did a funny bit on the "dos and don'ts" of re-gifting:

"Do put thought into the unwanted gift. Maybe you have enough new silk neckties and believe your friend could use the item better.
Don't re-gift a new silk necktie to the ghost of James Foley (the beheaded journalist). He won't think it funny."

"Do re-wrap the gift in new wrapping paper, with ribbons and a bow.
Don't re-gift a used item, even if its a slightly used leather belt not used as originally intended, even if you think it would look good on obama."

It was then that I awoke in my darkened linen closet, the contents of the brown bag long since gone. The pounding headache behind my eyes did not dampen the memories of Robin William's ghost's performance still fresh and funny. He broke all the rules (30 THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO DURING HUNGRY GHOST FESTIVAL) but I am sure he will be back next year.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Random Pictures in this week's news

Pictured are broken and damaged Napa Valley wine bottles after the Bay area earthquake.

 obama has ordered the National Guard to transport these emergency rations to the Ferguson protestors. Molotov cocktail anyone? No Pinot Noir, No Peace.

This is a picture of a British health care worker with Ebola being transported home for treatment

and NOT a picture of obama being transported by aides from the golf course to the nearest fundraiser inside his climate-controlled jacuzzi.

This is a picture of a mysterious giant crack reported in Mexico

...and HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH Sandra Fluke visiting an "all contraception inclusive" in Cancun.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The Presidential Iceberg Challenge

Obama... You've been challenged!

To benefit the ALP foundation
(Act Like a President!)

Monday, August 18, 2014

In space, no one can see your skat

Dear blog,

Monitoring of my heat signature and any wi-fi connection may be spotty for a day or two, as I will be testing my mail-ordered Anti Drone Tent constructed of gold thermal blankets and in the warm(?) embrace of my sleeping bag and onesie unitard footie pajamas I've fashioned from a few rolls of aluminum foil and spare gum wrappers.
But have no fear.

In the words of the late, great American philosopher Moe Howard, "Do not worry about everything... Anything will be OK". 

Time will tell if this backyard experiment leads to the Coup De Blog.


Friday, August 15, 2014

Obama Waves Off Intel Briefing to dance

Obama Waves Off Intel Briefing
"Hours prior to taking off for his Martha’s Vineyard millionaires’ paradise vacation, White House staff in conjunction with  someone from the Pentagon, attempted to update the president on security concerns... an attempt that was brushed off by a clearly annoyed Barack Obama..."

OBAMA: “Don’t bother me with this sh*t.  Update Susan or take it to Denis.  You know the drill.”

(The National Security Advisor) and the Pentagon official were left standing in the middle of the second floor hallway watching as the president walked toward the exit and his awaiting helicopter, with his bicycle helmet strapped on securely and carrying his golf clubs.

Sung to the tune of LEE ANN WOMACK'S "I HOPE YOU DANCE"
I hope you never lose your sense of plunder,
The middle East and now our city streets are catching fire,
And when you get the choice to do your job or dance. 
I Hope You Dance!
Obama dancing the night away at Martha's Vineyard

Reminds me of this Star Trek episode...
Kirk DANCES! (and other Star Trek action sticker scenes!)


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Hollywood Diva Lauren Bacall dies by Asphixiation while running onto Race Track

...resulting in rioting in Ferguson, Missouri.

Made you look!

Actually, Lauren Bacall died at the ripe old age of 89 from natural causes, and as far as I know she never appeared on Keeping up with the Kardashians, so coverage should be somewhat minimal on the death of this talented actress.

In other important world news...

Obama played his third round of golf yesterday in just four days on vacation at Martha’s Vineyard. That's the 30th round of the year and 187th of his presidency. Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has petitioned the UN for a resolution to call for an obama golf cease fire, due to obama's propensity to fire errant shots into innocent civilians.

It is being reported widely (on this blog) that obama got angry at his caddy who suggested he take the putter head cover off before trying to putt calling the suggestion “horseshit.”

Hey, its not ALL playtime for the president. obama’s fundraiser Monday evening was the 400th he has held as president... That’s just about one every five days. THAT is some laser-like focus!

Now if only I could find some kind of information or remote story regarding that recent celebrity hanging so I could also glorify suicide.  Ah well. Maybe I do need one of them hand-held tweeter machines the kids seem to love so much.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Finally! the homeless get an uprade in transportation and accomodations

At first blush, this contraption may appear to belong to an ice cream or hotdog vendor.
Sure, the dude pedaling it would likely be dressed in rags and have wild, bloodshot eyes barely discernible through the scraggle of birds-nest-like hair and debris-filled beard, but nothing gets me hungrier than the aroma of steaming franks and mustard wafting thru the air (with a hint of urine and vomit in the background, JUST LIKE THE OL' BALLPARK when you were a kid!)

Meet The Housetrike: "The tiniest of tiny houses is built on a tricycle"

By combining transportation, storage, and lodging into a single pedal-powered unit, a Dutch designer's Housetrike may be a possible solution for the homeless, the nomadic, or maybe even the touring cyclist.

C'mon now, what mentally ill and/or alcoholic touring cyclist wouldn't be proud to enter this bad boy in the next Tour De France? The Alps might get cold at night, but with the handy pullout "expando" feature, PRESTO! A dining room with built-in porthole/bathroom. This rider has all the creature comforts of back "home"( under the viaduct).

The (Housetrike) was designed and built by Bas Sprakel, a way of solving some of the pressing problems for people living on the streets, by providing a secure place to store their belongings, while also expanding to become a safe shelter at night... having a secure and covered storage area on the bike helps keep personal items out of view, as well as avoiding the outward appearance of being homeless (as compared with using something like a shopping cart, which has a stigma attached to it).

This Dutch inventor guy has things all figured out, because the most "pressing problems for people living on the streets" has to be the lack of security and safe storage for their nearly empty bottle of Ripple and old mayo jar of saved belly lint. And trust me, you don't need the "stigma" associated with displaying your can deposits in an open shopping cart with one bad wheel.

the Housetrike could be built for around $1500, which might seem quite low, except that the money would probably have to be underwritten or donated, as there aren't a lot of homeless with $1500 in their pockets.

Only $1500? Well hells bells,  Too rich for my blood.  In obama's America, you have to be as rich as a Chinese farmer to be able to afford one of these bad boys.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Monkey Selfies

With all of the challenges facing us in this country and in this world today, I think we can all agree there is no more pressing issue than whether or not the monkey who took this selfie should own the copyright.

In 2011, Slater (a British wildlife photographer) was visiting a park in Indonesia when a crested black macaque got a hold of one of his cameras. “They were quite mischievous, jumping all over my equipment,” Slater told the Telegraph, “and it looked like they were already posing for the camera when one hit the button.”

This is a monkey's "tail" that must be told and questions that my fertile mind MUST know the answers for. Questions like:

* Is the wildlife photographer fighting for the copyright out of jealousy that this monkey beat him at his own game?
* Could this British wildlife photographer simply be upset that this black macaque has better dental hygiene?
* Has this subject ever met Denmark's Prime Minister Helle Thorning Schmidt and have they ever posed for a selfie together?

All good questions. Ultimately I don't see a resolution without a great televised courtroom battle. My greatest hope is that the monkey insists on representing itself in the upcoming  trial. I can almost see the macaque expertly executing a cross examination of the witness, pacing back and forth and screaming, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE POOP!", as the first row of jurists learn the hard way that they are in the "splash zone".

Friday, August 8, 2014

Fundamental transformation

*knock* *knock*

OBAMA: Uhhhhh... come in.

ADVISOR: Mister President. There is some disturbing news coming in from Iraq. Pockets of civilian Yazidi, many of whom are Christian, have been chased out of their villages and are now cornered in the mountains by the Islamofacist group called ISIS...

OBAMA: Uhhhh.... Why... I am outraged! I have no choice but to bomb thaaaaat pocket of christian "folks". Don't they know... thaaaat I ENDED Bush's Iraq war?


I know I haven't posted a blog in some time as I have been working on the correct pronunciation of the word "Hamas". I ordered the Islamofacist language learning program called "Stoning Rosetta" and have been working tirelessly in this endeavor. When I started this project, I sounded like your typical "Ham Ass" infidel. But now I speak speak Hamas-holian like a regular Islamonazi! I could never learn to speak proper Spanish in high school because I couldn't roll the tongue. But now I'm rolling heads! Thanks Stoning Rosetta!

Excerpt - The proper pronunciation of "Hamas"...
PRONOUNCED ("sound of cat throwing up hairball" + mas")

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Will Denver bar owner sue obama?

Obama eating pizza, shooting pool and smoking choom in Denver

Last week, President Obama mocked Congress and taunted them with a dare to "sue me". However, it is a Denver bar owner, and not John Boehner, who may apparently be taking him up on that offer. The bar keep will not be suing obama for abuses of executive power and blatant usurping of the constitution, but rather for causing what he claims are $Trillions of Dollars in damage to his Pool Table.

This Chatteringteeth blog reporter went undercover at the Wazzup Bar & Grill to interview customers and bar staff a few days after Obama's pool table misadventures. Trying to blend in and not make a nuisance, I bellied up to the bar and ordered my usual, a Slippery Nipple in a dirty glass... with a miniature umbrella. Here are some of the highlight quotes from my visit:

Bartender: Yeah, I was workin' that night. Obama struts into the bar with a sizeable possee of dark suits and sunglasses with "High fives" and "Fist bumps." He is doing that mom-dance move of his, probably thinking he is really groovin' as he flails through the crowd looking like was having a walking seizure. One of the "suits" talks into his lapel and says, "the bear is loose". I don't know what the frank he's talking about, I just cleaned the men's john last week!

Waitress: One of the president's body guards ordered some pizza for the group, as they made their way to the back room pool table.

Bar Fly: I was sooo like, OHMIGOD! That's the president! I was sooo nervous, I was so like "Obama", "Obama..." I couldn't even remember his last name. "Hey, just what is Obama's last name?"

Pool Player #1: I was playing a game with a buddy when obama came up, put two quarters on the table rail and said, "Straight Ball is no longer allowed." Just kidding. Do you really think he put down those quarters?

Pool Player #2: I thought the dude was going to be able to play. I mean, I knew that when he threw a baseball, it looked more like a sissy slap. Same with a football. It's also common knowledge he can't play basketball or hit a free throw, even if an over seas diplomat's life depended on it. And bowling? Don't tempt obama to insult the Special Olympians on that again. 

Bartender: I told the fellas the other day that obama had been playing "snooker" for the last five and a half years. I meant it as a metaphore simile thingy. I didn't mean to incinerate (sic) he could shoot pool.

Pool Player #1: I'll tell ya what was distracting. That crazy looking dude with the hair plugs who the president called "Joe", but who referred to himself as "Champ". Why did he grin and insert the square pool chalk into his left nostril?

Pool Player #2: I don't know, but it seemed like Obama just couldn't get enough chalk on his cue after that cuz Joe wouldn't hold still.

Pool Player #1: So, yah. Obama was pretty horrible at pool. It took the first 10 minutes to explain why he couldn't hit the ball directly with the bridge cue, and that he wasn't supposed to swing at it like he was playing stick ball in the streets of Kenya.

Pool Player #2: Yeah, he sucked. But that Tranny that came in later could play! Obama and the suits called him "Michelle", but we started calling him "9 ball" because of how he/she filled up the "pockets"!

Bartender: My pool table is a disaster now. There are divots, slices and tears in the felt. There are doobie burns on the side rails, not to mention all the missing chalk squares and rest room urinal cakes because of that idiot Biden. And to top it off, he skated on the tab! 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Border Folly

Please to excuse me , oh infidel rancher on the great satan side of the border. I am sure I left my prayer rug and Islamic literature in your barn after sneaking in with a legion of my terrorist friends hidden within your ongoing open border surge. Please to help me find it before I keeeel you?

 Is it brown with white markings on it and smell like camel piss?

No, no, no. It is more green with beautiful fringe and off white Islamic markings, praise be to Allah.

 Nope. Haven't seen it.

 I must have it immediately before prayer for your destruction, then off to shoot pool with your president. If I don't have it, what am I to press my forehead to?

I have that covered. Ahkmed, meet my friend Remington.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Really Florida? Again with the recount?

This blog is dedicated to my friend Ed.
Did you see this story a few days ago?

Dethroned Miss Florida
It's a call that every pageant winner dreads.

Elizabeth Fechtel had been crowned Miss Florida on June 21 and was five days into her reign when she heard the bad news: there had been a scoring error. She was no longer Miss Florida, but was now the first runner-up.

Congratulations to the previous runner-up, and new Miss Florida... Hanging Chad!

Friday, June 6, 2014

D Day remembered by a real American President

I sure do miss President Ronald Reagan and the time when men were real men who loved liberty and were willing to fight tyranny, instead of latte-sipping, scarf-wearing effeminate waifs of today.

I will not bother watching or reading any of obama's remarks regarding the valor and bravery of the soldiers who stormed Normandy 70 years ago. Remarks that no doubt were written by somebody else to make it appear that obama actually gives a (blog edit), as he takes smiling selfies in front of the graves of these brave young people. I would rather watch this 30-year-old video of Reagan over and over again of powerful words and true sentiment.

I can almost see the vision of Reagan sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, nobody there to see that he is wearing a pressed suit, a crisp white shirt and tie, as he pens these words with pen and paper, "faith and belief"...

June 6, 1984 Remarks by President Ronald W. Reagan at a ceremony commemorating the 40th anniversary of the Normandy invasion

From the 5 minute mark:
Forty summers have passed since the battle that you fought here. You were young the day you took these cliffs; some of you were hardly more than boys, with the deepest joys of life before you. Yet, you risked everything here. Why? Why did you do it? What impelled you to put aside the instinct for self-preservation and risk your lives to take these cliffs? What inspired all the men of the armies that met here? We look at you, and somehow we know the answer. It was faith and belief; it was loyalty and love.