Monday, November 23, 2015

Obama EXHAUSTED after assaulting America from foreign soil

So much hateful energy spent directed at this country while overseas really takes a lot out of a marxist.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

A weasel by any other name

Time to play... DID YOU KNOW?
Today's topic: Name-changing weasels

The stoat is a short-tailed weasel which sports a brown and cream coat during spring, summer and fall. In the winter months, this weasel changes its coat to a pure white, and it changes its name (Please call me "Ermine").

I don't know about you, but THAT FEELS RACIST to me. WHY DOES THIS WEASEL change its name based on its color?  Do ermine lives matter?

NOTE: The white privileged 'ermine' IS not to be confused with the white privileged rapper known as 'Eminem'.

According to wiki, "In the late 19th century, stoats were introduced into New Zealand to control rabbits. The stoats have had a devastating effect on native bird populations."

So instead of a land bountiful in rabbits and birds, it is apparently chock full instead with weasels.

Next week on DID YOU KNOW?...
we will feature a scrawny black and white weasel species known as the Soetoro during its early years. No spoilers, but you won't want to miss what this weasel does after its name change (then again, maybe you will).

In the late 20th century, the Soetoro was introduced into the United States. It has had a devastating effect on the American populations, and is in the process of replacing them with progressive weasels.


Friday, November 20, 2015

A Progressive and Sharia Family Thanksgiving!

The Progressive Family gathered around the television to watch the latest Hillary Clinton speech. 

HILLARY:Let’s be clear, though. Islam itself is not our adversary. Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism.”

MR. PROGRESSIVE: Hillary's monotone, stilted and passionless speech pattern is very convincing. Honey, lets's invite our new neighbors, the Sharias, over for Thanksgiving dinner. They are recent Muzlim refugees from Syria, and I'm sure they could use a friend.

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Since we don't celebrate the white privilege holiday called Thanksgiving, I assume you mean Native Americans Genocide Day. What a wonderful idea!

MR. PROGRESSIVE: Yah, sorry 'bout that. Hillary says that blaming radical Islamic terrorism for the Paris terror attack is not just a distraction, but gives these ISIS murderers more standing than they deserve. I don't know what ISIS or ISIL stands for, but I'm sure we can agree with Hillary that they have nothing to do with Islam.

MARY: My 6th grade teacher says it's all our fault and they're just mad at Bush and Cheney because of Global Warming.

Fast Forward to Thanksgiving, errr... I mean Native Americans Genocide Day...
MR. PROGRESSIVE: Little Billy, I told you not to smoke that weed in the house. The Sharias will be here soon. Go smoke it on the back porch son.

BILLY: Shut the F&*#@ up mister! You're not even my real dad!

MR. PROGRESSIVE: Fooled you Billy. You called me "mister" and I'm biologically not even a dude!

BILLY: Well, you called me "son" and yet I have girlie parts too. Who's the dumbass now?

Later... ***DING DONG***

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Mary, will you get the door please. Our neighbors, the Sharias are here!

MARY: SHUT UP B#tch! I'm busy posting selfies to my Instagram.

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Never mind honey. I'll get it. I sure hope the Sharias like Tofurkey, since we quit eating food that used to have a face.

Later, during dinner conversation...

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Mrs. Sharia, that sure is an interesting fanny pack you have there. Since you are covered head-to-toe in a sheet like an old sofa in storage, you obviously don't need lip gloss or makeup. Just what do you carry in it?

MRS. SHARIA: Oh, don't worry. I have EVERYTHING I need for my Black Friday Mall shopping spree.

THE END (or near enough to it)

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

DaBlade's Mailbag of Wisdom

Sometimes, I run across something so incredibly stupid and ignorant, I am at a loss for...  a collection of distinct meaningful elements of speech or writing, used to form a sentence of coherent thought.

Because we all know that the Puritan pilgrims of yesterday and the Izlamofascist terrorists of today are morally equivalent. In fact, I would venture to argue that had the roles been reversed and it was Izlamofascists landing on Plymouth Rock in 1620, the Indian's fate would have had e a much rosier result, don't you?

But enough about marauding muslims and the clueless secular atheist humanist progressive dope-smoking liberal progressives.

Let's go to the mailbag for some mental palate-cleansing...

Dear DaBlade,

I am a professional beekeeper who tries to mind his own beeswax. I had a colony of bees, went away for a week, came home to no bees and a hornet's nest inside. They have killed all the bees and robbed all the honey. What is a good way to prevent hornets from attacking my hive?

Stung in Europe

Dear Stung,

When a giant hornet refugee migrates to a European bee colony it produces a pheromone that attracts all of its siblings to descend on the European honey bee’s home and begin the slaughter. The hornet easily decapitates honey bees in a simple movement of their large powerful mandibles. One single giant hornet can kill 40 honey bees in a minute. Thirty of these over-sized hornets can wipe a 30,000 strong bee colony out in a little over 3 hours. After the hornet’s thorough massacring of the hive they take back the bee abdomens to feed to their children, leaving their legs and heads to fester. The hornets also take their honey stores and larvae.

My advice would be to kill them where they live, and to certainly not invite them into your hive. Be aware that this strategy may meet resistance by a portion of brain-deficient honey bees who believe these hornets should be allowed to 'settle' in the hive.These useful idiots should be ridiculed and marginalized if survival of the species is important.

Monday, November 16, 2015

No More Syrian 'Refugees' in Michigan

Michigan Governor Snyder - No more Syrian refugees in Michigan

Many outraged, but gov says safety key concern after attacks in Paris
LANSING — Gov. Rick Snyder's decision to suspend efforts to bring Syrian refugees to Michigan in light of the deadly terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday has sparked controversy and launched the state into the national debate of how to protect U.S. citizens while providing a haven for those who desperately need help. (Hint: Leave them THERE!)

How does that old idiom go?

Why close the barn door when the silos are already full?

Hamtramck elects Muslim-majority city council

If the State of Michigan were a barn...

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Starbucks Red Cup Twilight Zone

Starbucks' red cup controversy
Starbucks said the unadorned cup allows customers to put their unique drawings and message on it, but some say it’s one more way that companies are stripping the Christmas message from the holiday season.

Narrator: The place is here, the time is now, and the journey into the shadows that we're about to watch could be our journey.

Scene: Progressive Pete was out of town and unfamiliar with the landscape. He walks into what he believes to be the local Starbucks for his morning pick-me-up. But what Progressive Pete doesn't realize, is that instead of walking into the local Starbucks, he has entered straight into... the Twilight Zone.

Progressive Pete: I'd like a quad cap “skinny” Cinnamon Dolce, Trenta, Pumpkin Spice of course, but skip the whip silly! Oh, and a box of crayons so I can color interesting, yet politically correct secular progressive messages on my cup.

Nick "The Barista": Hey look, mister. We serve regular coffee in here in regular cups for folks who want to get caffeinated fast, and we don't need any  well-groomed, scarf-wearing metrosexual characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?

Scene: A shocked and confused Progressive Pete starts to sob from Nick's apparent aggression. Pete looks around for support, but does not see anyone wearing earbuds or looking at their phones. All of the patrons, both young and old, were instead conversing and smiling with those around them. This direct human interaction was disorienting to Progressive Pete.

It was then that he noticed the message "Merry Christmas" stenciled onto the picture window. HORRORS!!! VIOLATION!!! OFFENDED ALERT!!! With this, he panicked and ran from the coffee shop and directly into the path of a city bus. 

When Progressive Pete awoke on the sidewalk, he clearly was no longer living in Obamaville. He stumbled thru a busy town, where there was actual commerce and employment happening all around! "What, no rioting?," he thought. He saw moms and dads and kids, and they were walking on the sidewalks together. Pete looked up and down the block, but instead of seeing tattoo parlors or Planned Parenthoods, he saw diners, hardware and clothing stores and a couple of Christian churches! Very strange. There were no ornamented transgendereds, just ornamented Christmas trees. And a NATIVITY SCENE on the grounds of City Hall?! There were lights and songs! Instead of vacant stares, Progressive Pete saw actual joy and love...

It was then, Progressive Pete woke up back in Obamaville.  He had experienced strange and wonderful things and wanted to go back. But like it or not, Progressive Pete was stuck in Obamaville... at least for now.  In the meantime, might as well enjoy a cup of virgin fetus blood from Starbuck's new collectible cup.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

GOP Debate Predictions (or maybe just what I want to see tonight)

The “kiddie table” debate
...featuring Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum is cut short after a sink hole opens up in debate stage floor directly under Christie and Huckabee. This was obviously an oversight in not splitting these two up on either end in order for a more uniform weight distribution. Repairs are complete just in time for the main event.

As for the main event:
Dr. Ben Carson sheds the low energy label once and for all after he vaults podium screaming "WITCH HUNT!! landing on Fox Business anchor, Neil Cavuto, and putting him into a headlock. "I asked for details on his tax plan!," stated Cavuto, as he quietly nods off due to the prolonged sleeper hold over the commercial break.

A bizarre moment when Marco Rubio is questioned about his credit card use. Instead of answering and defending his finances, he uses his time in a non-verbal fashion. He reaches into his lapel pocket and starts pulling out a connected stream of credit cards in their plastic wallet sleeves. He is still pulling them out while they pile on the debate stage floor. It was reminiscent of a magician pulling a long and seemingly never-ending string of colorful scarves from his hat. The distraction works, as the audience bursts into applause and Marco gets a poll jump out of the exchange.

Trump's night was uneventful. He was still wearing the gold earring and leather jacket he wore on SNL, and danced stiffly when asked a question, then insulted Kasich and Rand Paul on either end of the debate stage. He only stops after Dr. Carson stabs him in the belt buckle with his microphone he had managed to file down into a shiv. Most analysts give the heated exchange to Carson.

Lindsey Graham and George Pataki, who both participated in the prior three preliminary debates, were bounced from the debates altogether this time for failure to reach the necessary 1% in the polls. Sadly, neither were recognized at the auditorium entrance and were not allowed admittance. They were escorted out by a low level security guard, and could be heard calling Trump a racist from the parking lot in hopes their campaign coffers would get a needed $5,000 boost.

After the debate, nobody could remember whether Jeb Bush had actually been there. Experts were later called in to examine the video footage and it was determined that Jeb had most certainly been in attendance. This gave him a rock solid alibi for the cars in the parking lot apparently damaged by vandals.

Oh, I almost forgot. Senator Ted Cruz runs away with the debate and vaults ahead of everyone in the polls, exactly where he should be.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Larry David Receives Giant Check For 5,000 Pesos.

The scripted and unfunny heckle from Larry David during Trump's monologue is probably not what this radical leftist open-borders group had in mind.  Well, in the words of that Adorable Cursing Latino Boy, Bleeep You!

Random TV Sitcom series idea... Everybody Hates Quentin.
Plot Summary: Quentin Tarantino plays himself as an ex movie director, a few years after the successful boycott of his crappy movies due to his anti-cop rhetoric. He adopts Little Ricardo, that adorable cursing Latino boy who is always flipping the finger and adorably yelling the F word to any cracker cops that drive through his hood. There will be a laugh track, so hilarity will ensue.

I have sent my script in for review and am awaiting the expected contract offer with an oversized check any day now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Campaign shorts

Jeb Campaign Resets For Fifth Time
I didn't actually read past the headline of that linked article. In fact, I think I started to nod off after the word 'Jeb". That said, this guy's campaign has been a disaster. If I were Jeb's (Zzzzz) image consultant in charge of this new 'reboot', I would insist Jeb answer all questions in future debates while speaking through a bullhorn. After all, it was the only time the American people galvanized behind his brother.  

Then again, if I were a political image consultant, I wouldn't be wasting my time with The Jebster. Ben Carson, however, is a very appealing candidate who just needs a few image adjustments. For example, why are his eyes closed all the time? Don't bother answering. I have the fix.

If you used to be a pediatric neurosurgeon who had to keep your eyes open for 12 to 15 hour stretches at a time, you also might take advantage of a little shut eye when you can get it.

As for these ongoing debate negotiations, I think we can all agree the liberal moderators need to be outfitted with shock collars set to stun, and controlled by the participants.

That is all.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Happy Devil's Night fellow "pop" drinkers!

What do you call the night before Halloween?
An interesting regional dialect survey. Of course, it was conducted by the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee, where they still insist on calling drinking fountains, "bubblers".
This was a little surprising to me, as I always assumed everyone called it Devil's Night, a night set aside to huddle inside with the family, girding our loins, keeping our heads down and warming ourselves by the Molotov cocktail fire.

Click the link above to see the individual maps for each answer. If you live in an isolated area of the country that refers to this night as "goosey night," please tell your uncle papa I said "hi".

This should have been a debate question for our presidential candidates. I'm guessing there are different activities associated with each.
Any other names for tonight?

Thursday, October 29, 2015

CNBC Runs a Comic Book Debate

CNBC MODERATOR: Mr. Trump. My progressive media comrades believe you are running a “comic book” campaign. In fact, we find it highly suspicious that Dr. Otto Octavius, better known as Doc Ock, is a super-villain and arch enemy of Spiderman, and is described by witnesses as an out-of-shape, middle-aged guy with a hilariously bad haircut. Is it a coincidence, sir, that there are no photographs of Doc Ock and you together? Mr. Trump, are you Doc Ock?

TRUMP: That’s not a very nice question. Though I will admit to having four super strong metallic appendages attached to my back. And another thing, THEY'RE HUUUGE! But that's what happens when there is an accidental radiation leak that ends in an explosion.

CNBC MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, you've stated over and over again about building a wall. How will you do so, sir, and do you hate immigrants?

TRUMP: I LOVE the Hispanics. It's HUUUGE spiders that I hate. As for the wall, I will build the wall using large, steel tentacles that I control telepathically from a great distance. And I will make Mexico pay for it.

CNBC MODERATOR: Mr Trump, Isn't it true you've filed bankruptcy in the past?

TRUMP: I used the laws to my advantage as a business man. I've got a lot of hands in a lot of different businesses with my Sinister Six organization, believe me. A lot of hands. And they're HUUUGE!

CNBC MODERATOR: So you're saying you ARE or are NOT the legendary Supervillain, Doctor Octopus?

TRUMP: Doc Ock is a Seventh Day Adventist, ok? I don't know about that. I am a middle of the road Presbyterian. Now if you'll excuse me, your two hours are up. I've got to get the hell out of here. I have a business appointment with Peter Parker, and his consciousness isn't going to clone itself.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Police officers take down Jeb Bush

...after he fails to leave the GOP debate stage when asked politely by all of the recent poll results.
What do you think? Was the take down a little harsh?

Monday, October 26, 2015

Obama meets with teachers

Obama meets with teachers today to discuss his plans to limit the amount of time public school children spend taking tests.

Specifically, the administration called for a cap on assessment so that no child would spend more than 2 percent of classroom instruction time taking tests.

"A 2% cap on tests. That leaves something like 99% for full bore indoctrination," stated Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan.

Apparently, The Jebster is a fan.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

"The Venusian"

I 'slept in' for about an extra hour today, finally rolling out of bed around 6:30AM. My bladder is a very effective alarm clock, and once up, my brain rarely allows me to hit the 'snooze' button.

Every morning, the early routine is the same. I get the coffee started and step outside with Zeke. I've already told you about Zeke's Fetch Fetish. He is so fixated on that orange rubber ball that he waits until I throw it before he chases it into the yard in order to take his morning whiz. It's too dark for him to catch the ball, but this doesn't stop him from tracking it by sound.

For the last few weeks, the pre-dawn Eastern sky has been conspicuously flaunting three planets visible to the naked eye. While Zeke has not been impressed, it inspired me to write this Haiku that you are now blessed that I am sharing. Please have a box of Kleenex handy, as reading this may well evoke spontaneous emotional waterworks.

Constellation gaze
Venus, Jupiter and Mars
Dog takes morning wiz

Thank you.

Don't worry, you haven't missed this celestial conjunction. Per Space Weather, "The next five mornings will be equally wonderful. From Oct. 25th to Oct. 29th Venus, Jupiter and Mars will fit together inside a circle only 5 degrees wide."

Just don't expect it to inspire you to write a Haiku of equal freestyle flourish as moi'. While I would have preferred my natural talent be in ice hockey, I will just have to accept the mantle of my prodigyship for word thingys.

Which reminds me. While looking at the planets this morning, I also had the inspiration for my first novel. I will now share the outline I have so far, as long as you promise not to steal my idea.  I call it...

"The Venusian"

PLOT SUMMARY:   It's about an astronaut named Mary Watney who ends up getting stranded on Venus because her fellow female astronauts excitedly left without her after receiving a text regarding a sale on gravity boots back home. Not to worry, for Mary is a highly trained and skilled botanist. Spending weeks using astronaut poop to make usable Venusian soil, Mary is more than hopeful her crop of Roses will bloom just fine. "OMG! Those flowers will certainly cheer up this gloomy habitat," Mary says out loud to her combo diary entry recorder and makeup mirror. As for chosing a crop of roses versus, say, potatoes, the onboard computer tells her she could stand to lose a few pounds. The Venusian Diet is born!

There will be action scenes galore in my book, as the reader will feel like they are part of the action as Astronaut Mary cuts up the other gal's spacesuits to make curtains. When the water supply reaches critical levels, Mary is forced to only wash her hair every other day. I don't want to give too much away at this point, but take heart in the fact that her female crew mates return for her rescue. It was inadvertent, as they took a wrong turn at the Kuiper belt because they thought it clashed with the Hermes silvery shell. In any case, the reunion and rescue is tear-filled, as Mary's fellow Astronauts jealously gape at how her spacesuit hangs on her now gaunt frame.

This could be big. Who knows, maybe even a movie deal?

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Paul Ryan adds bizarre demands before agreeing to serve as Speaker

I think it a little bizarre for a RINO like Paul Ryan to be making a list of demands when he instead should be adding to a lengthy Mea Culpa list.

Cue wavy lines for another Chattering Teeth dream sequence...

Paul Ryan adds to his conditions for serving as House Speaker. Now that the tide of support seems to be going in his favor, he's doubling down.

RYAN: I cannot and will not give up my family time. And by "family time", I mean I will not miss one weekend sitting on my couch in Wisconsin, wearing my cheesehead hat and watching the Packer's game. I know one of the Speaker's main jobs has been to raise money for colleagues. Well, you're welcome to put some money down on the Packers yourselves.

CT NEWS: Mr. Ryan, are you saying you plan on treating the Speakership like a 40 hour per week job?

RYAN: 40 hours? I don't think so. I'm not a machine. I will also require long lunches. Walks in the park... and do you think this hair gels itself? No, I'd say we can agree on a good 2 or 3 hours of solid Speakership each week, not counting the times we go on break.

CT NEWS: Earlier this week, you stated, "we need to move from being an opposition party to a proposition party." Can you expound on that?

RYAN: It's not a deal breaker for me. I could live with us being an Imposition party if we can't get a unanimous agreement on that proposition thing. I mean, I'll even accept an agreement that we move from an opposition party to a Supposition party...


RYAN: Can I get an Amen for a Malposition party?

CT NEWS: Any other conditions you'd like to add, sir?

RYAN: Yes. We need to unify as a party and rally around the radical idea that I am not a complete doofus.  I don't want to hear anymore talk about how I helped Romney lose the last election by losing my debate with Joe Biden. In fact, I demand each member of the Freedom Caucus give a filibuster on the subject, stating I dominated... and complimenting my hair.

What a waste of hair gel.