Sunday, April 22, 2018

Fun Earth Day Facts

Fun Earth Day facts!

1)  In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. (Genesis 1:1) A few years later on April 22, 1970, Earth Day was founded by United States Senator Gaylord Nelson.

2) The word 'earth' is a synonym for 'soil'. This is probably not a coincidence, though why we don't celebrate Soil Day, I have no idea.

3) Scientists say that it takes about 500 years for plastic to decompose. Except for Nancy Pelosi. She decomposed a long time ago.

4) The earth isn’t round. It is an oblate spheroid, which makes me wonder why our planet wasn't named 'Hillary' or 'Mooshell'. Maybe in an adjacent dimension, folks are celebrating Oprah Day.

5) The Earth is fragile.  Its surface is split into tectonic plates which float on a rocky mantle. Sort of like Pelosi's dentures.

6)  Scientists say the earth weighs about 6,588,000,000,000 million tons, and the average person makes about four pounds of garbage every day. Therefore, if 108 billion people have ever been born with an average lifespan of say... 50 years-ish - and if one ton equals 2,000 pounds, AND the Earth is in fact exactly 4.543 billion years old... [nineteen gazillion and six... carry the one...] then it has to be comprised entirely of garbage. Happy Garbage Day!

That's about all we know about Earth at this point.

As for the so-called Earth Day, it is a secular holiday celebrated by atheists and agnostics. Earth is their god, pseudoscience is their religion and abortion is their sacrament. In their safe space Tide Pod eating world, there are an inexhaustible number of genders. They do not believe that "God created man in the image of himself, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27). "For if there is a God," they say, "then when did He create the LGBTQIA and sometimes Y and W?"

ANSWER: He didn't. That is the serpent's doing.

Earth Day-ers also believe in man-made climate change, and that our fragile climate is on the verge of collapsing unless there is an mmediate accelerated redistribution of wealth. Some of them even believe that George W Bush invented a secret Republican climate change machine and that President Trump signs his executive orders with polar bear blood.



These Earth Day-ers like to think they are the ones who embrace science by rejecting the 'make-believe daddy in the sky,' yet they don't recognize human babies as actual life when in their mother's womb. That's science?


So while the progressive socialist democrat marxist secular atheist agnostics celebrate Earth Day by prancing around their cauldrons of boiling baby blood, I will be celebrating today like I celebrate every Sunday - by going to church and worshiping God and thanking Him for his wonderful creation.

We are stardust
We are golden
And we've got to get ourselves
Back to the garden

Friday, April 20, 2018

Fake Starbucks Coupons Keep Popping Up

Fake coupons are popping up promising free Starbucks coffee for African Americans

“This is completely false and in no way associated with Starbucks,” a company spokeswoman told The Chattering Teeth Blog. "These fake coupons are an Internet hoax and contain symbols of white supremacy."

"Here is our actual coupon offering a choice of a free Watermelon Latte or purple drank for African Americans with slave blood only."


Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Starbucks Racial-bias Education Day

Starbucks to close stores on May 29 for barista racial-bias education day

Starbucks will close 8,000 of the company's U.S.-based locations to train 175,000 employees and address implicit bias, promote inclusion and help prevent discrimination.

This is in response to the public outrage after two men were arrested in a Philadelphia Starbucks for 'loitering while black'. They claim they had every intention of 'caffeinating while black', which is still legal in parts of the country, but were waiting for a business associate.

Chattering Teeth Blog has confirmed this business associate's identity as possible being none other than the notorious 'Dr Snoop Ice Crack Daddy'. But really, what does that have to do with the outrageous price of tea in a Chinese Starbucks?

In any case, we here at the CT studios raise our steaming mugs filled to the brim with cheaper and tastier home brewed coffee and salute this thinly veiled virtue signalling by Starbucks. In fact, this calls for another one of those "Weak and Bitter" Coffee Salutes Obama made famous.


So this got my fertile and highly caffeine-soaked synapses sparking, while simultaneously blocking my neurotransmitter adenosine's receptors. If Starbucks is closed on May 29 for racial-bias education day, then I call the next day when they re-open on May 30th to be recognized as Barista Profiling Test Day. What better way to show our appreciation to this over-priced coffee outlet than to test their employees to ensure their re-education indoctrination mind-control camps actually worked and these lessons took?

My problem is, that as a product of white male priviledge, I expect to be immediately hustled to the front of the line upon entering this crowded cafe. The only way to see if abhorent barista behavior has been modified is if their stores are suddenly flooded with homeless black men wearing ripe rags and shopping carts filled with their entire wordly possessions in tow, cruising back and forth while arguing with themselves. Your serve, Starbucks.

On second thought, I can still test the baristas for racial bias, even while dripping with the stank of white male priviledge. I just need to disguise myself as a white liberal progressive filled with guilt, since it's well known that libprogs are racists to the core and Starbucks is a leftist libprog organization.

~ ~ DREAM SEQUENCE ~ ~

May 30, 2018, at a local Starbucks:
So after wrestling my 220-lb manly frame into a fluffy blouse and skinny jeans, I check my rouge and eye shadow from my compact, adjust my clip-on earring (left is 'right'?) and approach the counter...

BARISTA: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you today?

BLADE: I like my coffee like I like my women...

BARISTA: We only serve coffee like we serve women. Fetus free. You like women?

[I slink away, thinking my liberal 'man' disguise might be a little much. I go into the bathroom of indiscriminate gender and wash off the makeup and lose the ear and nipple rings. I return to the counter to try again...]

BLADE: Yes, I like my coffee like I like my women... Can you guess how that is?...

[I've laid the trap perfectly. If the barista says a racially charged joke in bad taste - something like, 'black and bitter' - then I will know their education did not take.]

BARISTA: Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the Andes behind a donkey?

[Hmmm. Starbuck's racial-bias education day apparently didn't cover gender discrimination (or domestic abuse).]

BLADE: I like my coffee like I like my women. Double barreled K-cups. Blonde Roast, mild and slightly nutty.

THE END

PICTURED: Sensitive to the criticism, President Obama now stops and gives a proper salute to every Starbucks and coffee shop he passes.


Saturday, April 14, 2018

Business as usual in Syria (rubble is rubble)

WATCH Syrian President Assad Report to Work After US Missile Strike Mere hours after a US-led missile strike hit targets across Syria, the country's President Bashar Assad arrived for work, undaunted by the Western powers' coordinated act of aggression.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Congress grills Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!!!



weird and awkward moments from two days of Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional hearing

Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL) invoked his love of chocolate. “I’m communicating with my friends on Facebook, and indicate that I love a certain kind of chocolate. And, all of a sudden, I start receiving advertisements for chocolate. What if I don’t want to receive those commercial advertisements?”

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) told Zuckerberg, “I’m a proud member of Facebook, just got a post from my sister on this being National Sibling Day.”

Rep. Larry Bucshon (R-IN), My son likes buying suits and then saw ads for suits online. If you’re not listening to us on the phone, who is?

It's about time that congress got to work on behalf of the American people and asked these tough and probing questions. Could it be possible that Facebook and all the big tech companies try to have it both ways by trying to pass themselves off as a  neutral public forum, yet exhibit a pervasive political bias against conservatives?

 CRUZ: Does Facebook consider itself a neutral public forum?

ZUKERPUNK: Senator, we consider ourselves to be a platform for ideas

CRUZ: Then for the love of God, tell this congress and all of my Facebook friends for the final time which cup fills up first!?

ZUKERPUNK: It's a trick question, senator. Some of the tubes are closed... or are they? And ask yourself this - Is there enough coffee in the pot to actually get to where you think it will?

CRUZ: There are a great many Americans who are deeply concerned that Facebook is engaged in a pervasive pattern of addictive puzzle memes. Would you like to explain to the American people what exactly is the purpose of this confusing McDonalds puzzle, if not to divide us?

ZUKERPUNK: I'm sorry senator, I don't drink coffee.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Special counsel Robert Mueller caught on Cohen's trail cam

If you look closely, you can just pick him up in the foreground...
I wonder what he was after that is related to Russian collusion?
Meanwhile, a herd of wild immigrants is caravaning towards our southern border and Governor Moonbeam is not cooperating with our military...

I saw a meme somewhere that said something like: - Kids threaten to shoot up a school and the FBI does nothing. Rumors of Trump sleeping with Stormy Daniels?

Saturday, April 7, 2018

President Trump and the Princess Bribe Mueller

Trump begins informal prep for potential Mueller interview

The following is exclusive coverage from CT news:

MUELLER: Where is the Russian collusion? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right.

TRUMP: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the collusion into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a smart man with a good brain would put the collusion into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, I am a very, very smart person, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me, this I will tell you.

MUELLER:  You've made your decision then?

TRUMP:Not remotely, believe me. Because the "Russian collusion" narrative comes from the Clinton campaign and their fake dossier, as everyone knows, and the Clinton campaign is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

MUELLER:  Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

TRUMP:Some people would say the very best intellect. Amazing intellect. Now, where was I?

MUELLER:  The Clinton campaign.

TRUMP:Ah Yes, Crooked Hillary. And you must have suspected I would have known the Russian collusion rumor's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

MUELLER: You're just stalling now.

TRUMP: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've charged my former national security advisor and retired general, Michael Flynn with  making false statements to the FBI, which means you're exceptionally strong in setting perjury traps, so you could've put the collusion in your own goblet, trusting your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also indicted my former campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, for tax evasion and bank fraud, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the collusion as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

MUELLER: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

TRUMP: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE COLLUSION IS!

MUELLER:  Then make your choice.

TRUMP:  I will, and I choose... what in the world can that be?

[Trump gestures up and away from the table. Mueller looks backwards. Trump swaps the goblets]

MUELLER:  What? Where? I don't see anything.

TRUMP: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.

[Trump and the Mueller drink]

MUELLER:  You guessed wrong.

TRUMP: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - the most famous of which is "never get involved in a trade war in China" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a very successful businessman when impeachment is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

[Trump stops suddenly, his smile frozen on his face and falls to the ground dead]

BUTTERCUP: And to think, all that time the collusion was in your cup.

MUELLER:  They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to leading flawed and inaccurate investigations like the anthrax case, and I am  nothing more than a political hack prosecutor and deep state attack dog with the sole purpose of helping to take down Trump with a damaging report full of bullshit that the democrats can use to lead impeachment proceedings once they take back the house in the midterms. Trump's ego was his downfall, as there was no right answer he could have given, as my report is already written.

THE END

[Disclaimer: Any resemblance of the above dialog to that from the movie, The Princess Bride is not coincidental. If I did a top 10 list of my favorite movies, then this would make the cut... I think... I guess I have to do a list to be sure]

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Caravanus Interruptus

Chattering Teeth News - Glenn Beck is at the chalk board again, this time with a plan to assist the National Guard in protecting our southern border. Thanks to President Trump, help is on the way with the ordering of the military to deploy and assist the Border Patrol in stopping the thousand-plus migrant caravan making their way north to our welfare state and ensuring perpetual democrat socialist rule.

But what if our military is late in arriving? That is where Beck's plan comes in.
"We need a way to distract them at the border in order to give the National Guard time to get there," explained Beck to this CT reporter.

Ways to distract the migrant caravan
1) Lettuce - something for the migrant men
2) Laundry - something for the migrant women
3) Sombreros - spread out and speakers playing traditional music in attempt to trigger the siesta gene in the stragglers, causing them to pull the brim of the sombrero over their eyes and put them into a naping state.

YOU'RE WELCOME
(April 5th Fools)

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Dino Bullying

Today's CT short comes from the Science Daily:

Extinct monitor lizard had four eyes, fossil evidence shows
Researchers have evidence that an extinct species of monitor lizard had four eyes, a first among known jawed vertebrates. Today, only the jawless lampreys have four eyes
It may be too late to help this extinct monitor lizard from being bullied by dick horned triceratopsises, but give now to help stop the bullying of the jawless lamprey and the merciless bullying they must hear at school about their head and mouth gear.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Happy Easter! He is Risen!!

Easter Jaws

Mrs. Kintner: Chief Brody?

Brody: Yes?

*Mrs. Kintner slaps Brody and sobs*

Mrs. Kintner: I just found out, that a girl got her Easter eggs kidnapped last year, and you knew it! You knew there was a bunny out there! You knew it was mischievous! But you let kids color Easter eggs anyway? You knew all those things! But still my boy's eggs are hidden. And there's nothing you can do about it. My boy's eggs are hidden and he can't find them all. I wanted you to know that.

[Mrs. Kintner walks away]

Mayor Vaughn: I'm sorry, Martin. She's wrong.

Brody: No, she's not.

Hooper: They caught a bunny. Not THE bunny.  This is a carrot-eater.

Mayor Vaughn:  I am not gonna stand here and see that thing cut open and see what's left of that little Kintner boy's Cadbury eggs spill out all over the dock!

The saga continued:

Quint: Anti-bunny basket. You put fake grass inside the wicker basket?

[Hooper nods]

Quint: Basket goes in the living room, colored eggs in the 'fridge and you go bed. Bunny's in the living room? Our bunny?

[Hooper nods]

Quint: [sings] Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.

T'was the night before Easter, and all thru Quint's Houseboat...


Didn’t see the first bunny until I was five – a tiger – thirteen footer. You know how you know that when the bunny is in your house, Chief? You lay in bed and look toward your darkened closet and see the shadow of floppy ears and the cotton tail. What my brothers and I didn’t know was our Easter mission to stay awake had been so secret, no distress signal to mom or dad had been sent. They didn’t even list us overdue 'til mornin'. Very first light, Chief, bunny come cruisin’. So we formed ourselves into tight groups…the idea was, the bunny comes to the nearest boy and he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’. Sometimes the bunny go away. Sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometimes that bunny, he looks right into ya, right into your eyes. Y’know, the thing about a bunny, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes after ya, he doesn’t seem to be livin’ until he takes your colored eggs, and those black eyes roll over white, and then – aww, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin’, the bedsheet turns wet and yellow, and in spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, he come in hippity hoppity and rip ya carrot snacks to pieces…in that first dawn, we lost a dozen eggs. I don’t know how many carrots, maybe a thousand. I don’t know how many eggs. he averaged six an hour… 8am Easter morning, mom called us. She put the coffee on and called us…and when we didn't answer, we heard her coming down the hallway from the kitchen to pick us up. You know, that was the time I was most frightened – waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never wear bunny pajamas again. So, four boys went to bed, four men come out, and the bunny took the boys, Sunday, April the 10th, 1966. Anyway, he delivered the chocolate and hid the eggs.


That's some bad hat, Harry.