CHAPTER ONE - The First Thanksgiving
In 1621, prior to anthropogenic global warming, the month of November was cold in New England. Freakin' cold. Certainly too cold to plant crops! "I wished I'd thought of that before leaving in September on a 2-month tour," thought Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford, regretting once his decision to anchor the Mayflower off the shores of the new world in the dead of winter.
"...and honkey please, I'm freezing my butt off in these knickers!," Bradford complained.
The hull of the Mayflower was almost entirely empty when they arrived, the colonists having eaten all the frozen tv dinners, pop tarts and slower moving rats during the long journey across the Atlantic.
Thankfully, Indians met the bumbling white folk at the shore, draping animal pelts and furs over their shoulders to warm them as they stepped off the gang plank with chattering teeth. A large fire was raging on the beach, and the pilgrims pulled up the nearest log or large rock to take a load off.
As the Indian squaws rushed around preparing dinner, the Mayflower manfolk relaxed and watched the male Indians run around tossing a ball back and forth, playing a game they called Lacrosse. "I hope the redskins cover the spread," joked Bradford to his fellow lounging partners.
When the food was prepared, they all sat around the table to enjoy the feast. The first Thanksgiving!
CHAPTER 2 - The First Black Friday
It didn't take long for the colonists to regret eating and gorging themselves so much on that First Thanksgiving feast. The Indians had left enough food to get the colonist through that first winter (The First Leftovers!), but when the colonists awoke from their naps, they immediately started in on the leftovers - eating turkey sandwiches and the rest of the pumpkin pie until their sizeable square brass britches buckles breached. When they were finally finished eating, they realized they had consumed the entire winter stores!
In near panic, that night they traveled to the outskirts of the closed and sleeping Indian encampment and pitched their tents outside the TeePees in order to keep their place in line. Many died of scurvy and malnutrition - Of the 102 original Mayflower passengers, only 44 survived while waiting in line (The First Black Friday!).
Early the next morning, the TeePee doors were opened, and the Indians once again saved the rest from a frosty and premature death with sales of corn and venison.
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