Thursday, November 29, 2012

This week in Facebook land

Last week, Facebook Privacy warnings started showing up again on status updates in the circle of my friends, family, acquaintances (and "who the hell are theys?"). You've seen them. The most recent viral warnings started out like this:

In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to all my personal details, illustrations, comics, paintings, professional photos and videos, (blah blah blah blah) 

A few days later, partypoopers (or evil doers?) started posting hoax warnings (snopes) and informing folks that you can't protect your privacy rights by posting this notice. After all, does a "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW" mattress warning label prevent the bedsheets from becoming soiled after adult night terrors? (sorry, just zoned out for a second).

So I decided to have a little fun with the microscopic slice of the American public who happens to be both Facebook friends with me AND an obamabot. They are so easily swayed by everything but the truth so I thought this might fly. Feel free to use this on your own FB page and have a little fun torturing your own collection of "progressive" dumbshits, as this blog has been declared an open forum.

FAKE PRIVACY HOAX NOTICE: Well, well Mr. Zuckerberg! You have done it again with a FAKE HOAX message propagated on Facebook in hopes that the unsuspecting and trusting among us would put our guards down and remove our original privacy warning posts so you can look at, and copy our content on your computer in a dark basement corner. Perv. Well I won't fall for it mister! I'm doubling down, so chew
on this!

I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to the backside of every one of my digital pictures, including - all pictures of people being 'ignernt'; pictures of my pet dogs and cats being silly (please don't copy and make them your wallpaper), as well as unattractive photos of plates of food I am about to consume - apparently taken when I am extremely inebriated - (but not including any unfortunate photos of food consumed long ago and since evacuated).

In conclusion, with this invisible copyright I deny you permission to gaze admiringly at photos of me in my gallery, nor are you allowed to read my clever and witty status updates without my written consent. They're private!

DO NOT copy and paste this message because that would mean you have actually read this warning, and that would be in violation of the statement itself.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Life of Pumpkin Pie

I have this movie idea but it's still in the conceptual stage.

Here's the setting. Picture a large Pumpkin pie stranded and adrift on a lifeboat with Detroit Tiger, Prince Fielder. One is a traditional holiday dessert with a blend of warm spices and the other is a very large and hungry Tiger, both on a very small boat.

SPOILER ALERT! Will the Tiger eat the pie? The suspense will slowly build throughout the movie, as time and time again the Tiger picks up the boat oar, swats and misses the huge, round and stationary pie. Apparently, his swing can't be counted on when it counts the most, much to the delicious delight of the baked purée of pumpkin.  I'm still working on the ending, but I think they eventually work out their differences, fall in love and get married.

I was sharing this  movie idea with an ex-buddy of mine. I say "ex" because he accused me of stealing my original idea from some book based movie at the theatres called "Life of Pi".

I'm sorry, I just don't see the similarities.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Read my blog then give me a dollar.

If you are looking to make a heist and conclude that your best financial option is knocking off the local Dollar Store (not once, but TWICE!) to double your standard of living... you just might be from Flint.

Yes, I know this story tag says "GRAND BLANC TOWNSHIP", but we all know this suburb is where the rich people who can afford to shop at Dollar Stores live.
A 28-year-old man is accused of robbing a Dollar General store on Fenton Road two times in less than a month. (He) was arrested Wednesday and is now charged with two counts of armed robbery.
How poor (or high) do you have to be to think this is a good idea? In the risk/reward equation, did his public school teacher forget to show him how to "carry the one"? Seriously, what must have been going through his mind?

"A Dollar Store must be where they keep dollars, and crack costs dollars..."

If you drive by the local Dollar Store staring enviously at all the Dollar shoppers with their bags full of candles, knick-knacks and cheap toiletries, and thinking to yourself "look at all those rich people"... you just might be a Flintstone.

Sadly for him, he was busted after his SECOND Dollar robbery in "less than a month". I know what you're thinking... A buck just doesn't stretch as far as it used to.

If this heist is ever made into a major motion picture, I'd want Will Ferrell as lead actor playing our pathetic anti-hero for two reasons. One, it would give him an opportunity to make up for the hideously unfunny Semi-Pro, his first movie about a Flintoid that nobody has actually watched. And "B". I think this could really be funny!

The article states that the suspect was brandishing a "semi-automatic". Well, keeping in mind that this is a Dollar store (on second thought, give me Jim Carrey for this role)... THIS is a semi-automatic.

Lady, this is a holdup! Give me a Sawbuck from the register or I will strike you repeatedly about your face and upper torso with this small rubber ball in staccato fashion ... or at least once, and sometimes twice in a row before my paddle misses and I mistakenly strike myself in the forehead... Or the rubber band comes loose from the staple... DANGGIT! WHY IS IT SO HARD?

Thankfully, the cashier lady (I want to say her name is Penny, though the story doesn't specify) cooperated with the suspect and gave him a dollar, so no flying rubber balls or nerf darts were actually fired in the store, and the suspect fled.  According to the story, evidence tied him to both crimes and he was later arrested at his home nearby.

What evidence? A trail of artificial flower petals or assorted Jujubes leading to the front door of his apartment? OK, again the story leaves the details to my imagination, so I may be on target with the movie script that has the Dollar Store parking lot cordoned off with yellow police tape as a team of forensic specialists in lab coats are dusting the impulse purchases in the checkout aisle for fingerprints and other clues.

The end of the story has our hero roughed, cuffed and jailed. A warm cot and 3 squares at taxpayer expense. It would have been cheaper just financing wis bi-weekly withdrawls.

Visit your local Dollar store today! Aisles filled with a veritable treasure trove of knick-knacks, patty-whacks and flip flops. Cash registers filled with a bountiful boquet of crumpled green Washingtons.

There, but a "$buck fitty", go I.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Don't be a baptized pagan

Wow. THIS might be the second best thing I've ever read, and the tonic I needed just about now.

We Do Not Need Conservativism We Need a Classical Christian Revival

So good. There is this:
The judicial manufacture of a right to reach into wombs and kill our youngest neighbors is not progressive. Judicial and legislative efforts to give practicing homosexual paramours equal legal status to marriage is not progressive. 

Denying the Right to the Free Exercise of Religion, the "First Freedom" in the American tradition, is not progressive. It is a threat to the very foundation of all of our freedoms. 
And this...
The American founders carried this vision into the experiment in ordered liberty called the United States of America. However, they did not come up with this ennobling and enabling vision on their own. They received it from the treasury of Western civilization once called Christendom. 

It is only a recovery of the Jewish and Christian vision of the dignity of every human person, the primacy of true marriage and the family and the acknowledgement of the existence of normative, fundamental moral truths which can be known by all - and should govern our life together - which will guarantee the future of Western civilization.

Sadly, there are 50%ish of self-identifying Catholics who voted for Obama again this go-around. I have the most contempt for them (and waaay more in common with secular conservatives), for obama catholics are nothing more than baptized pagans.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Just say the words...

I had a dream last night. I was huddled in the back of a plane cruising level at 30,000 feet with several other passengers. The date was September 11, 2001. Terrorists had taken control of the cockpit and were at the controls while others guarded the front of the cabin with box cutters. One of the passengers received a call on their cell and the information received was devastating. As the passenger shared this information, it became clear that this was not a traditional hijacking. The plane would not be diverted to Cuba, nor would our release be negotiated. Regardless of the soothing lies and false promises from the terrorists that "all would be well" if we just cooperated, we were helpless passengers on a suicide run and we would not survive. Most sat there in shock at the news, some sobbing, some praying.

Then a young man in a baseball cap with eyes of focused intensity came forward and quietly laid out a plan to charge the cockpit. I don't recall his exact words, as my fading memory on this point is murky and elusive, as remembered dreams are want to be. I do recall, however, that his message was inspiring. While our odds were impossible, he made us understand that we still had choices. We could choose to bow to this tyranny by remaining quietly in our seats, thereby potentially buying us a little more time but solidifying our collective fates. Or we could leave the false and temporary safety of our foxhole to fight against this tyranny, and die if necessary, for ideals like "freedom" and "liberty".

If this is our time, isn't it better to go on our terms?  If we can't wrest the controls from the terrorists, then isn't it better to drive the plane into an empty field in our attempt? If we are to go, should it be by passive subservience, thereby condemning those at the business end of the terrorist's flight plan?

My dream took a strange twist at this point, as visions passed before my like those old black and white newsreels. General Washington Crossing the Delaware... The battlefield at Gettysburg, filled with cannon smoke and cries of the dying... Heroes leaping into the cold water off the back of an amphibious troop carrier and racing toward the beaches of Normandy - the air filled with bullets and shrapnel thicker than a spring rainstorm.

And then instantly I was back in the plane. That's strange! Slightly more than half of the passengers have moved to the front of the plane and are dancing and laughing and chugging the miniature bottles of hootch pilfered from the galley with the terrorists. More free stuff is promised to them as long as they cooperate. Meanwhile, the party continues as the plane barrels on towards oblivion.

The young man in the baseball cap (I think his name was Todd) looked at me with those eyes of focused intensity and said, "....


Friday, November 9, 2012

But Obama and the evil one, crept up and slipped away with her, her, her....yeah

Wow. I should apologize for my apocalyptic post from Wednesday morning, the day after the election.

"Seriously 'Blade! Dramatized much!?"
And when the Tsunami rises to touch the sky as it speeds toward shore... I will stand calmly on the beach sipping coffee.

OK, I am calling myself out with a self-imposed B.S. alert. I would surely run like hell. And the barrel of my S&W will be smoking hot.

So I officially apologize for my "post election post" (PEP). Now that's not to say that I am somehow more optimistic 48 hours later, or less resigned to our collective fate. Au contraire mon ami's. As I read many of your PEPs, I know you feel me. But you know what they say. Greece wasn't broken in a day... or something like that. The point is, the fix is in.

My PEP failed my blog mission, which has always clearly been to amuse myself (and the dozens of the rest of you who visit this blog regularly or semi-regularly. Like you there in the back sir! Tell us your name and why you're here!

"My name is Spam, and I am from automation training in India, and very much I like to say great information here and thanking you very much to share. Please to click my spam link now very pleze."

Thanks Spam. No offense, but because of you and your buddies in "Pokystan" (that's a 'shout out' to our muzlim supreme leader) blog moderation "on".

Now that I think about it though, I did quote Benjamin Franklin, the Obamaphone lady and Jesus all in the same post, so maybe I was unintentionally funny. Maybe? A little?

Listen, I know I have animated chattering teeth in my blog sky box. I realize that after you stare mesmerized at it chattering up and down for 15 or 20 minutes chanting:

Thirty white horses on a red hill,
First they champ,
Then they stamp,
Then they stand still.

Then you quickly glance at my scrawlings in hopes of finding even just one crumb to cheer you up.

I looked back at my PEP from 2008 to remember this mission. While I was no happier about the decline of our country back then (and this WAS before I lost my 31 year career, lost my home to foreclosure, lost my retirement savings, several moves and downgrades... etc)  I at least was able to find an angle that humored myself. I realize we are so much closer to the  precipice today, but we still have to find something to laugh at, right?

So I promise I'll try to cheer you up. Posts may be a little sporadic is all.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Satan has got his wish to sift you all like wheat

“A Republic, if you can keep it.” Ben Franklin

"Keep Obama in president, you know. He gave us a phone, he gonna do more.” Obamaphone lady

Liberty and freedom, precious ground once gained through blood and fire, has been given away through paper ballots. The insidious, corrupt and evil ideology has been embraced for a final curtain call.

Rock, Paper, Scissors. Who knew it was not just a game, but the digest version of the story of the birth and death of our country.

America, "land of the free and home of the brave" and "In God we trust", is history. Total collapse is imminent. Today, and for the rest of my days, I cry for my children.

LUKE 23:28 But Jesus turned to them and said, 'Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep rather for yourselves and for your children.

29 For look, the days are surely coming when people will say, "Blessed are those who are barren, the wombs that have never borne children, the breasts that have never suckled!"

30 Then they will begin to say to the mountains, "Fall on us!"; to the hills, "Cover us!"

31 For if this is what is done to green wood, what will be done when the wood is dry?'

Many who know what's coming are quickly gathering canned goods, water, weapons and ammo.

Many others are clueless to what is just on the other side of the horizon and will be caught unawares. Lacking any moral compass, they will begin to pillage, loot, murder and riot out of thirst and starvation.

And the rest of us who know perfectly well what's coming are doing absolutely nothing to prepare their mortal bodies. They will continue to worship God and hug their loved ones.

And when the Tsunami rises to touch the sky as it speeds toward shore, I will not hide in a hole clutching my Smith and Wesson and waiting for the dust to clear from the trap door.

I will stand calmly on the beach sipping coffee and praying that I can find it in my heart to forgive those responsible.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I smell chicken!

This picture of the rotund Christie and the lean Obama reminded me of the Seinfeld episode "The Butter Shave". In it, Kramer falls asleep on the roof and fries himself by using butter as a tanning agent. He somehow accidentally gets himself tarred and feathered with oregano and Parmesan and smelling as delicious as a cooked turkey - at least to Newman, who then tries to eat him.
Bipartisanship. Each party trying to find something to love about the other.