Saturday, September 28, 2013

Defund Me (obamacare) Sung to the tune of "Lean On Me"

Will Obamacare $$ in Budget Bill Wither?

Speaking of Bill Withers, please join me in singing the following song. Repeatedly. In your heads. Because, once heard, you can't seem to shake the melody... or the sentiment.

Defund Me
Sung to the tune of "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives
we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
O ba ma care
Doesn't see tomorrow

Defund me
If the House is strong
and we'll be your friend
we'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'till we're gonna need
Somebody to lead us

Congress, stiffen your spine
and grow a pair
For Obama needs to borrow
For no one can kill
those of his needs
If you stay RINOs

Just call on me brother
when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lead US
I just might have a problem
that you'd understand
We all need
somebody to lead US

If there is a load
you have to bear
That you can't carry
We're right up the road,
we'll share your load
if you just call me

Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me
Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (if you ever need a friend)
Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)

Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)
Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)
Call me (call me)

Sunday, September 22, 2013

The NHL introduces the Queensberry Rules for hockey fights

Devils' Krys Barch and Islanders' Brett Gallant removed each other's helmets before beginning a fight in the rink. New NHL rules prevent players from removing their own helmets when engaging in a fight.

Great Scott! What of the devious new rule preventing us from removing our own lids?
Dear sir! Kindly remove my top hat and I shall remove yours, then thou shall commence to gentlemanly fisticuffs henceforth, to wit.
I say ol' chap! What an elaborate ruse!
A veritable Hat Trick my good man!
Jolly good! Shall we exchange blows?
After you sir!

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Atheists mock, Rome Twerks, Caesar Golfs

...Then the dinosaurs evolved into young, swarmy, Starbuck's Grande-sipping, self-possessed, sexual neopagan, utopian statist, pseudo-intellectuals who were college-indoctrinated and therefore have no wisdom or moral anchor. And they have won (look around). They worship Caesar and their prize is this world - this nation.

The irony is that the economic deterioration we are suffering with that has the U.S. on a trajectory of bankruptcy and the verge of total collapse is exactly correlated to their rise.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The new Fox News Lineup sends me all Rain Man

No more Gretchen Carlson on the Fox and Friends curvy couch. In fact, no more curvy couch for that matter. It has been 3 days since Elizabeth Hasselbeck has taken Gretchen's place, and I have yet to watch. Not that I have anything against LizBeck, other than she is not Gretchen.

OK, maybe I never understood why Hasselbeck never shivved Joy Behar with a homemade prison knife on The View. Or put Whoopie in a go-to-sleep half-nelson. Not that I was a regular View viewer, but I'm sure I would have heard about this had it happened.

No doubt I will tune in at some point, its just that I am drug resistant to change. A "10 minutes to Wapner" kinda guy. Yeaaaaah.

Here goes with the new Fox News lineup (from memory, so I may be speculating a little)
So Gretchen is getting her own afternoon show - Shepard Smith loses his 7PM slot to Greta Van Sustren, Bill O’Reilly keeps the Factor at the 8 o'clock slot, Sean Hannity vacates 9PM to Megyn Kelly and moves to 10PM... and I think Shep replaces Hasselbeck on The View to form a full couch flush of liberal women... and the Fox and Friends crew are doing their show sitting on old milk crates.

Roger Ailes is the kinda guy who would move Helen Keller's furniture. Or move Charlie Babbitt's Wapner to 6.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Obamacare Sex Panels Questionnaire - Don't ask, Don't tell, Don't cluck

Some of you may remember me blogging about my neighbor and progressive activist, Gullible Gabe, and our over-the-fence conversations. Remember, I only have to call him "Gabrielle" when he is mowing his lawn with his 275lb flabby and hairy frame stuffed into a faded, double Buddha sun dress, lips and cheeks covered with an uneven swath of red lipstick and his twisted and hairy size 11 feet wedged inside petite high-heeled red pumps. Think "Sandra Fluke", but actually slightly more attractive.

I'm usually successful racing to my door without giving him the opportunity to engage me in conversation, but this was not one of those days. As I fumbled the house key to my sanctuary, I hear him call me from over my shoulder.

Gullible Gabe: "Howdy neighbor! Got a second?"

Me: Hi Ga.... brielle. Sorry, but like I told you before. I don't smoke methajuanna.

Gullible Gabe: I'm hoping you can help me answer this Obamacare questionnaire so it's all ready for the next time I go to the doctor. It's demanding to know about my sex life and I'm kinda stuck on this first question. It asks:

"Are you sexually active? If so, with one partner, multiple partners or same-sex partners?”

Me: Ah, so this obamacare interrogation has you starting to see things my way and are wondering why your sex life is your chiropractors business! Maybe NOW you are regretting your life-long zombie-like support of the democrat party and their over-reaching and out-of-control, liberty-killing socialist policies that have destroyed this economy and is now obsessed with continuing to expand its database of information on every citizen with this intrusive and unnecessary obamacare questionnaire - no longer having to rely on their illegal surveillance techniques, but just denying treatment if you refuse to answer! Make no mistake, these questions have very little to do with helping the doctor treat whatever ails you at that moment, but to be entered into the whirring and expanding government  harddrive of information, accessible to the IRS and all other agencies to target groups they hold in disfavor.

Gullible Gabe: What?... No. Only you Christian, conservative, married, heterosexual Tea Party couples have to worry about targeting. I was just wondering if the question covered my unique... sexual preferences.

Me: Why are you confused? Aren't you still seeing your all-male extreme poetry reading club? I heard that if you liked your sex life, you can keep it. Just check off all the boxes... Uhhhh, Gabrielle, why is there a chicken in your window sill?

Gullible Gabe: I told you it was unique. And there's no box on this questionnaire for that.

Me: At least you've managed to answer Frank Costanza's dinner table riddle involving the chicken, the rooster and the hen. It always had me wondering.

Gullible Gabe: To make matters worse, our town is not on the list of Genesee County towns that allow chickens.

Me: Don't worry, I read that too. The ordinance says you can't keep chickens in your backyard but it doesn't say anything about your bedroom. Just write "chickens" in the margin and move on. Will there be anything else, or can I get to that Seinfeld rerun and my 20-piece nuggets?

Gullible Gabe: One more thing neighbor. This quiz also wants to know if I've ever used drugs, including IV drugs. Now I'm an edumacated man but I have always zoned out on test days in school. Thankfully, I went to a public school so my scores never really mattered before.

Me: Again, I think you'd be safe to just check them all. Then again, make sure you don't accidently check that you are a Christian conservative, married, heterosexual tobacco user with a firearm or you'll never get an appointment.

Then again, THAT is one way to ensure a house call.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Syrian President Assad and Andy Kaufman separated at birth?

OK blog class, take out a clean piece of paper, a protractor and a sharpened pencil for today's entry - because admittedly, it is a little hard to follow. However, you may trust this content, for I have stayed up all night and currently have pictures on my wall of today's players - each with various relationships and connections to the others which I have illustrated by strings I have criss-crossed and stapled to the wall. Lets begin.

Like you, I had always assumed that comedian Andy Kaufman faked his own death in 1984 and is actually alive and well, and the current president of Syria.

Of course, I had also thought it common knowledge that Tony Clifton, the washed-up, vulgar, and often-drunk ex-Vegas lounge singer, had reinvented himself as Charlie Rose, the washed-up, vulgar, and often-drunk PBS tv talk show host and journalist.

Stay with me here and prepare for your mind to be blown.

Some skepticals claim that Tony Clifton was actually Andy Kaufman in costume just doing another one of his strange bits. Maybe these are the same deniers who insist that professional wrestling is real. All I know is that Tony Clifton retired about the same time it is claimed that Andy Kaufman died, and is rarely seen in public any more.

Now ask yourself this... Why has Charlie Rose never interviewed Tony Clifton? I'll tell you why! It is for the same reason you never see comedian Dana Carvey sing a duet with Reba McEntire. They are the same person!

Dana - Reba - Dana - Reba. Seriously? Try harder next time fella. Or gal. (I guess I'm not even sure if Dana Reba is a very funny female singer or a male comedian with an excellent voice).

Regardless, my point has been made.

So I'm flipping through the channels this past Sunday and I stumble upon this paradox. Charlie Rose (Tony Clifton in retirement) interviewing Syrian President Bashar Assad (Andy Kaufman in hiding).

In conclusion, I believe I have proven two points.

Number one: Syrian President Bashar Assad  Latka Gravas does a fantastic Elvis impersonation.

Number two: The United States would be in much safer hands with Tony Clifton as our president rather than that vulgar, washed-up, often-high ex-community organizer.

Monday, September 2, 2013