Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Chattering Teeth's Alternate Universe - Hey, it could happen! Starring Michael Vick, President Obama (and BO posthumously)

Obama phones Eagles' owner and offers his praise for giving "the troubled star quarterback a fresh start"

OBAMA: So many people who serve time never get a fair second chance. it's never a level playing field for prisoners when they get out of jail.

So "Ookie" tortured and killed a few dogs from 2001 to 2007. What's the big deal? it's not like he single-handedly destroyed the U.S. economy in two short years, or something. The man deserves another chance to earn a few meager $Million.

FAST FORWARD 6 months...
Michael Vick press conference

VICK: I totally misinterpretted President Obama's comments back in December, 2010. I really thought he was giving me the green light to try my hand at competitive canine cage fighting again. For future reference, neutered Portuguese Water Dogs can't fight for sh*&.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

Dear Blog, It's Christmas Eve and I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet

I know, I know. That is a popular statement made by numerous males this time of year, whether in casual conversation or as their Facebook profile meant to illicit boisterous insincere laughter. You know the drill... "Plenty of time"... "it's early"... HAHAHA!

It's a truism to say that most men hate shopping while most women love it. Take the Facebook example above. It would not be unusual to see a female with a status update proudly proclaiming, "Just completed my Christmas shopping" sometime in April.

Men are usually the ones who procrastinate. Why? Because they HATE shopping. You never see a male Facebook update stating something like, "I know it's late in the 3rd quarter, but I just haven't gotten around to watching that Super Bowl. Plenty of time... It's early. Call me at the 2-minute warning."

DISCLAIMER: For the record, I know there are exceptions to all generalizations, and I don't mean to imply that those males who love to Christmas shop are somehow great candidates for the new U.S. military.

Blog: So are you one of them procrapinators, or simply an athletiest?

Uhhh... neither (I don't think). I am not "procrastinating" because, unlike Christmas Eve's past, I have no intention of making that last-minute retail run spending money I don't have on crap nobody needs. You see blog, not only have I not started my Christmas shopping, I am done.

As for being an "athletiest", I guess I am, if by that you mean that I don't believe in exercise. However, if you meant "atheist" as in not believing in the reason for the season, than I am completely innocent of this charge. In fact, according to this latest Gallup poll, I am one of the "43.7% of the adult population" considered to be "Very Religious".

Blog: How can that be? Isn't it true that it is better to give than to receive? How can you call yourself a Christian and not participate in this orgy of spending?

If it is better to give than to receive, then wouldn't it be true that I would be doing a disservice to the recipients of my philanthropy for the sole purpose of pleasuring myself in my giving? Wouldn't that be considered selfish?

Blog: I kinda see where you're going with that. But what about the poor?

Are there no prisons? Are there no work houses? Just kidding! Unlike liberal hypocrites who believe in confiscatory "giving" through governmental redistribution - yet who give little or no personal charitable contributions themselves - I do throw alms into the collection plate at church each week. I might add that, since the wife and I were both laid off this year, each dollar we give is coming out of my IRA (batteries, taxes and penalties not yet included).

Blog: What about your kids? Won't they be dissappointed tomorrow to find their stockings empty and the tree giftless?

Who said anything about there being no presents for the kids? I simply stated that I did not participate in any Christmas shopping this year. The lovely wife, however, cannot make this same boast. Of course, this has been mostly true every year. Mrs. DaBlade has always done the shopping - except in year's past, I would make the Christmas Eve dash for her gift.

This year, I looked into her beautiful green eyes, drinking in those pools of peace and tranquility, while she looked into my bloodshot orbs bordering madness nestled above my puffy dark eye bags, and we decided that we wouldn't be exchanging gifts this year due to our economic situation.

I have never enjoyed the Christmas season as much as I have this one.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Last one out please unplug the frayed, duct-taped extension cord

I've been back in Michigan since late October and I still get an occasional, "Hey, aren't you working in Minnesota or Wisconsin or somewhere?" When I tell them I am back permanently and they ask, "why?" - here is what I tell them.

Think of the "Remember when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor" scene from Animal House. You know the very end where Bluto says, "who's with me? Let's go! C'mon... AHHHH!" and runs out the door solo?

Yeah, that was me.

Speaking of population shifts - According to this AP story:
"(the 2010 census) found the nation's population growing more slowly than in past decades but still shifting to the South and West."

The big winner is Texas, which gets 4 new US House seats While Michigan gets it's very own map color.
Look at the bright side. A lost, red Mitten is easier to find in the snow than a light blue one. I am not exactly sure what I mean by this, but if you scratch your chin and contemplate this metafornalogy thingy's deeper meaning, I'm sure you will find it brilliant.

Hmmm... let's see if I have this straight. If more seats are in fact a good thing... and the number of seats are tied to the population... and the population growth in Texas is related to a "surge of Hispanic residents"... then Michigan just needs to figure out how to attract a surge of Canadians by the next census.

Maybe leave out a case of Red Cap Ale or fry up some back-bacon? That always seemed to attract a protracted visit from my mom's cousin Bill, eh? OK, so some things just aren't worth the price.

So why is Michigan the only state to have lost population (54,000 residents over the past decade), and is that necessarily a bad thing?
First, I'm not sure that I readily accept the premise that Michigan's population balloon is deflating. How accurate are these census numbers after all? It is tough enough for the government to gain the cooperation of law-abiding citizens in these counts (*snicker*) let alone getting an accurate count of your typical islamofacist terrorist or serial killer. They are usual ducking during the head count.

"'Blade, wouldn't this be true wherever they live?"

Sure, but are you presuming an even distribution of al qaeda operatives? I would contend there are more of them here because, hey - where better to blend in?

Then again, I'm seeing a bright side here. Fewer people means more vacant homes. The more vacant homes there are, the more opportunities for me to illegally draw electricity through my frayed, duct-taped extension cord hooked up to an outdoor outlet on the garage of the vacant house next door so that I may power up my life-saving Christmas lights... hypothetically.

Monday, December 20, 2010

DaBlade's WeakyLeaks Part II - for you home Improvement do-it-yourselfers

Whether you are a young man who is new to home improvement and having just purchased a starter home fixer-upper moneypit, or you are hypothetically a middle-aged man who's home improvement skills have atrophied over the last 10 years due to living in your dream new build that required no maintenance - but you have since lost that house after losing your job of 30+ years as a result of the implosion of the newspaper industry (again, as a hypothetical example) and you downsize to an older home that requires a little TLC, you have come to the right place.

When last we met to discuss home improvement projects,
I went over the installation of 4" aluminum ductwork (as well as the accompanying emergency first aid), and kitchen and bathroom caulking projects (as well as the unexpected caulking of your upper and lower torso).

The first topic on today's agenda is prioritizing your project list. For you married fellas, it is highly recommended that you first consult with your loving spouse as to what she would like accomplished first. In my case, my wife made clear she wanted the clothes dryer vented (check), the above range microwave and dishwasher installed, a garbage disposal hookup as well as the entire house painted - with a working timeline of all projects to be completed by the end of the first day we moved in a few weeks ago.

I am slightly behind schedule, but I can explain. Working with my wife's list, I immediately understood that I would need a working garage door opener for proper egress and ingress of materials for her more important projects. To accomplish this task, it is imperative that you follow my...

Step-by-step guideline for proper garage door opener installation.

Step 1: Complain to your father-in-law that "the f*(&ing garage door doesn't work.

Step 2: Have your father-in-law line up one of his bowling league buddies who just happens to be a retired professional garage door installer of 50 years and offers to do this job for free.

Step 3: Light a cigar and watch over this gentleman's shoulder as he expertly installs your gagrage door opener while he swaps grandchildren stories with your father-in-law.

NOTE: It is always imperative that you have the correct tools for any job. If you do not happen to have a father-in-law who bowls with a retired professional garage door installer, then I don't know what to tell you.

Next up, the garbage disposal installation. There are many makes and models of units, with varying guideliens. This being the case, I would simply refer you to the directions.

NOTE: If your directions come in English on the front few pages, and what I think is Spanish on the last few pages, FOLLOW THE SPANISH INSTRUCTIONS, especially if you have never studied it and can only count to "tres" because of Sesame Street. Why do I say this? Because men typically will not read the instructions anyways, but may feel over-confident when browsing the English section. My theory is that you are less apt to have as many leftover pieces when following the foreign language instructions because you will probably look at the diagrams that much more intently.

Oh well, what use could this rubber thingy possibly have?

Next comes the installation of the dishwasher.

Step 1: If you're on a tight budget because you're not yet quite 50 years old and are jobless and living off of what was supposed to be your retirement, simply pull that father-in-law out of your tool belt and have him find a $25 used dishwasher in the "Big Buck ads".
* a father-in-law tool is handier than a good set of adjustable rubber-grip channellocks.

Step 2: Quickly determine that the 15amp romex power cable that is split three ways before it makes it's way to the dishwasher cabinet is probably not sufficient, unless your goal is to continuosly throw the breaker and/or eventually burn down the house.

Step 3: Seek out a professional looking fellow wearing an apron and wandering around in the Electrical Department at your local Home Depot. Impress him with your knowledge by explaining the situation to him in technical terms, detailing that you are sure you need to drop a dedicated "16 amp or 16 and-a-half amp wire thingy from the fuse box, whatever it takes".

Once again, it is imperative that you follow my...

Step-by-step guideline for installing a new breaker and a 20 amp 12/2 cable.

Step 4A: Quickly determine that years of pushing a pencil is not proper training for even removing the console bolts from the breaker box, let alone installing a new breaker and romex cable, and that professional help is needed once again.

Step 4B: Complain to your older brother who is an attorney that you have to get into the breaker box, and you are sure you will f*(&ing electrocute yourself.

Step 4C: Have your brother send over a professional electrician who owes your brother money for legal work to drop said line.

NOTE: If you do not happen to have a brother who is an attorney and has an electrician who owes him money, then I don't know what to tell you. Again, the proper tool thingy people!

Step 5: Have the father-in-law complete the water and electric hookup and you are good to go.

There. Today's tutorial gave you very explicit instructions on the installation of dishwashers, garbage disposals and garage doors. Now go take on those projects with confidence!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

My Message to Obama: "I wish I knew how to quit you"

I am not a big proponent of heterosexuals openly serving in the military.

Hey DaBlade, don't you mean that you are not a proponent of homosexuals in the military?

Them either...

The purpose of the military is to kill our nation's enemies and to blow sh*& up, and I just feel that this activity is "asexual" in nature. I would think that any public displays of affection between a man and a woman gets in the way of this mission.

That said, I recognize that "war is hell", and our ladies and gentlemen serving us honorably occasionally need a little "R&R". "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy", right? I just think that "Hotlips and Frank" should take "it" to the supply closet. If they don't tell, I sure the hell ain't askin'.

I would also be in favor of this same policy to be in place with respect to homosexuals in the military. I don't really care if Hawkeye has a willing Radar bent over in the latrene, I just don't see the need for this "serving openly" caveat. What does that mean anyways? I guess I just don't understand how putting up chiffon and lace curtains in the barracks will help in our war efforts.

This repeal of DADT, with amnesty for illegal future democrat voters next up - illustrates the priorities of Obama, Reid, Pelosi and company. With the economy in tatters and joblessness and hopelessness on the rise, they choose to spend their time on this crap.

The lame duck dems continue to ignore the message in November elections by perpetrating mass policy rape against us by jamming through - or attempting to jam through - all of their twisted "holiday tree" ornaments.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Flint homicide count at 62. A new record, beating the total of 61 murders set in 1986 and justifying it's "lofty" 4th position on the 2010 list of Most Dangerous Cities, per the CQ Press.

How sad, but so utterly predictable. This is a direct result of the incremental rot that is liberalism and your democrat party at work. Their systematic and purposeful destruction of the American family for the purpose of supplanting it has led to this hopelessness and chaos in the streets. The "Progressive" movement has been most destructive to the African-American population, as evidenced by this murder rate. Rare is the occasion here where a child is born into a family consisting of a mother and father who are actually married, and who all regularly attend weekly church service to give thanks to God.

Michelle Obama: Oh come now DaBlade! ‘We Can’t Just Leave It Up To The Parents

Hillary Clinton: Yah! It takes a village!

Flint, Michigan - The birthplace of General Motors, the UAW and yours truly. Thankfully, I was born into a family consisting of a married mother and father and we went to church. It used to be the norm, not the exception around these parts. Let me ask you a serious question... When is the last time the mother of a "New Year's Baby" in Flint even knew who the father was? Oh well, does the "winner" still get a $50 savings bond? Can't get much crack for that.

PICTURED: My dad arresting my brother Donnie for not cleaning his room, or something.

My father was a police officer, then a homicide detective for the City of Flint during my formative years in the 60s and 70s. Back then, the annual murder tallies probably averaged between 40 and 50 something - back when the city had almost double the population. I remember my dad saying he was thankful he never had to shoot anyone, though he had numerous dangerous close calls. He was never shot either, though once when he was working a second job as a late night under-cover detective at a JC Penny, he was stabbed in the hand by a woman attempting to shoplift an expensive winter coat.

I can't recall all of my father's exciting cop stories, but I cherish the one's I do. I remember waking up in my bunk bed to a ringing phone in the middle of the night and my dad pulling out of the driveway a short time later, as he headed to the freshest murder scene. I remember the department issued 38 caliber revolver sticking out of it's holster under my dad's sports jacket when he got home from work. I remember that he loved the "Dirty Harry" movies and TV's Columbo, but despised Cagney and Lacey.

PICTURED: Thats me in the front between my mom and my sister. My dad took this picture of us at Bishop airport, right before he hopped a plane to somewhere for a prisoner escort.

I remember crying on the way home after watching the plane disappear into the clouds and me thinking I would never see him again. He died shortly after my baby brother Donnie was killed by a drunk driver in 1988. My mother is with them, having died just a few years ago. I think of them often and remember fondly the Christmases of long, long ago.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Two Drudge-linked stories I found interesting accompanied by totally unrelated and randomly selected videos

STORY #1The real-life Da Vinci Code:
Historians discover tiny numbers and letters in the eyes of the Mona Lisa. Hidden in the dark paint of her pupils are tiny... numbers, placed there by the artist Leonardo da Vinci and revealed only now thanks to high-­magnification techniques. The revelation could have come straight from the pages of Dan Brown’s best-seller The Da Vinci Code, in which the Mona Lisa is said to contain hidden clues about the Holy Grail.
What do these seemingly random numbers mean?

A 72-year-old Romanian woman who had a daughter when she was 66 is planning to have a second child.

Is that a good idea?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Lions "victory" under review

The Midwest winter storm was just a cool shower compared to the cold shoulder the Detroit Lions gave to the visiting Packers. Lion's third string quarterback, Drew Stanton, lit up the scoreboard with several (seven) points to the Pack's three to end a 19-game losing streak against division opponents. Oh, and there will be a Monday Night Football game played at Ford Field!

Yes, I am aware that it's between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants, a game which was moved to Detroit because of the Metrodome collapse, but still... MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IN DETROIT! Hell hath finally frozen solid baby!

Wait. I know better than this. I've watched the Lions snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory too many times to count.

There might yet be a late flag. The league may put this game under review for no other reason than a Lions victory is suspicious. Something is bound to happen here to give the Pack the win. It may be determined that the Lions did not complete the victory through the entire process (whatever that means).

Wait for it...

Thursday, December 9, 2010

High School Hockey Tournament Weekend

Looking forward to some Top-flight hockey on tap at Division 3 Challenge this weekend in Gaylord, Michigan. Good luck boys! Go Flint Powers!

This is a big reason I came back. Blogging temporarily interrupted for my weekend festivities...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Calling Doctor Elvis!

The title of this news story (Doc dressed as Elvis revives Vegas marathon runner) pretty much tells you all you need to know.

We do learn this additional information from the story:
* A female runner passed out at the Mandalay Burger Bar in Las Vegas.
* The "Doc" who administered the CPR is an anesthesiologist
* He was wearing an Elvis jumpsuit, sideburns and scarf.
* The revived woman gave him a weird look and told him she was OK.
* Oh, he also got married at a run-thru chapel during the race.

Any questions?

As usual, I have some.

Was the good doctor dressed as the young and spry Elvis, or was he the fat E? One might assume he was the former, since he was running in this half-marathon. But that would wrongly assume there are no Morbidly Obese Runners. (If you make the mistake of actually clicking the prior link, I bet you "a dollar to a donut" you don't make it through the entire clip).

Also, is it a good idea to consume a bacon double cheeseburger after running 13 miles? OK, so we don't know that is what she ate, but I think it's safe to assume this woman didn't order fruit and a Gatorade at the Burger Bar.

See, this is exactly why I don't run 13 miles.

Was the doctor and his wife married by an Elvis impersonator at the run-thru chapel? Suspicious Minds want to know.

Some things will have to remain a mystery. It must be true that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

The play on words in the first sentence of the story using Elvis' hit "Blue Suede Shoes" reminded me of that 1975 song parody titled "Mr. Jaws" by Dickie Goodman. For some reason, I remember thinking that the shark from Jaws answering a reporter's questions with other popular song clips was absolutely hilarious back in the day. Remember... "We are here on the beach..."?

Made me wonder what Dickie would do with the Doctor Elvis story above if he had to relay it using only Elvis song titles...

Dickie: Hello once again everyone, it's your action news reporter on the scene at the Mandaly Burger Bar in Las Vegas with the lady who was just resuscitated by Elvis.
Lady: Viva Las Vegas.
Dickie: Indeed. So what happened?

Lady: I'm in this marathon just Blowin' In The Wind and I thought to myself, "You Better Run because They say that True Love Travels On A Gravel Road". That's when I Got A Feelin' In My Body. A Tender Feeling.
Dickie: That's When Your Heartaches Begin?
Lady: Almost. I was thinking I Need Somebody To Lean On, then I Slipped I Stumbled I Fell.
Dickie: Hurt?
Lady: How Do You Think I Feel?
Dickie: All Shook Up... One Broken Heart For Sale.
Lady: Don't Be Cruel.
Dickie: Relax.

Dr. Elvis: That's when I Come Along. "Patch It Up,"," I thought.
Lady: I'm thinking It's Over... Help Me Make It Through The Night.
Dickie:What did you do doc?
Dr. Elvis: When in doubt, Shake Rattle and Roll.

Lady: That's when I opened my Spanish Eyes and saw this Lonesome Cowboy. I said, "Who Are You (Who Am I)?"
Dr. Elvis: So I says, "You Don't Know Me but Welcome To My World".
Lady: You're The Reason I'm Living.
Dr. Elvis: That's All Right mama. I'm just a Big Hunk O' Love.
Lady: I got weirded out by that, so I says, "Release Me."
Dr. Elvis: Reconsider Baby.
Lady: It's Now Or Never... My Wish Came True. He Let Me go.

Dickie: Saved... How Great Thou Art!
Dr. Elvis: I Did It My Way for sure. Happy Ending.
Lady: Only The Strong Survive... I've Got A Lot O' Livin' To Do.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Some things are just better when they come in pairs.

Welcome to Decembrow.
Inspired by “Movember”, where male participants grow mustaches during the month of November for the purpose of raising money and awareness to fight prostate cancer, feministing.com is encouraging their female readers to grow a unibrow for "the cause of (their) choice".

"Decembrow is, of course, all about the brow. Specifically, the unibrow."


Per the article's author, DECEMBROW is all about "challenging cultural norms about women’s facial hair". Really? What about a cause? Sounds to me like these ladies are "chomping at the bit" to put "the cart in front of the horse" here, just so they can get their testosterone on.

Hmmm. As a victim of over-active brow follicle growth since childhood, I should warn you ladies that unibrows are not all glitter and glamour like they sound. Sure, what lady wouldn't want to be mistaken for Abe Vigoda in drag? It's just that it reeks havoc on the posture.

I shudder to think what could be next for these women.

At least The Ladies of the Lingerie Football League
seem to hold a contrarian view.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Game Of Thrones (HBO Teaser)

George R.R. Martin's masterpiece fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire, is coming to HBO and I CAN'T WAIT!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Charles Manson Caught "Hexting" with Smuggled Cell Phone

Charles Manson Caught With Cell Phone in Prison
The murderous cult leader was caught with an LG flip phone under his mattress, and it was determined that he had made numerous calls and sent text messages to people in California, New Jersey, Florida and British Columbia.

We all have our own unique talents and natural gifts. Some folks express themselves through their art, music, words, etc. Manson's talent is an uncanny ability to persuade folks to kill for him. The story doesn't state the purpose for Charlie's calls - but if I had to guess - Charlie's got a Smart Phone and now Janie's got a gun.

Maybe Manson's purpose was purely innocuous. It could be that he got caught up in the latest FaceBook fad to go viral and he was simply changing his profile picture to his favorite cartoon character per the instructions.

This is not the first time Manson has gotten his hands on a cell phone. Last year, a friend recorded one of Manson’s bizarre calls, and the audio of this catchy tune can be found at this link.

Granted, Manson's gravelly voice belting out "I've seen the world spinning 'round on fire" is not exactly as uplifting as the melodious voice of Johnny Mathis crooning "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire". Nor does "I've danced and sang in the devils choir" paint the same word picture as "Yuletide carols being sung by a choir". I guess we all celebrate the season in our own way.

Just be wary if you get a call from a fella wanting to sell you a used furnace cheap...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Home Improvement WeakyLeaks for those do-it-yourselfers

The title of this post is in no way to make light of the sensitive data dump by that sissified effeminate waif, Julian Assmassage (or whatever his name is) that is being hailed by anarchists, pimply-faced parent's basement-dwelling dweebs, and secretly applauded by Obama and his administration (sorry for the repetitive redundancy). It's just that I've been tied up with my own "data dump" of trying to jam 3,200 square feet of accumulated necessities into half the space and haven't had time to sufficiently demonstrate my bloggiliciousness to my demanding fans (much to Interpol's chagrin).

That said, I have "leaked" some critical information from my undisclosed location to my Facebook friends over this past week and would be derelict in my webitudinal duties if I didn't at least share some of this with you before access is cut or I lose my blogahaulic's license. So without further delay... if anyone asks, you didn't hear the following from me:

DaBlade's Home Improvement WeakyLeaks for those do-it-yourselfers
1) The 4" dryer ductwork pieces found at Home Depot do not fit together as advertised without a substantial amount of blood loss, especially when working with over-sized hands in enclosed basement rafters. The crimped end of said pieces (made from extremely sharp-edged aluminum as it turns out) gives the illusion of a quick and painless job under the bright store fluorescents, but do not be fooled. It would seem to me that a country that could produce engineers bright enough to stage the Apollo moonlandings on top secret and state-of-the-art movie sets over one hundred years ago could make duct pieces that easily slide together. Thank God for duct tape! Not that the enclosed space allowed me to wrap and secure the seam between the two pieces of duct (each with exactly matching circumferences down to the atomic level). But the duct tape did serve to secure my impromptu tourniquet before I lost consciousness.

2) When caulking bathtubs, kitchen sinks and countertops, it is imperative that you accurately estimate the amount of caulk needed, then multiply this by a factor of three. I did not do this and ended up running out and having to make an additional trip to Home Depot as I failed to consider that some of the caulk would not end up smeared all over my entire body. The good news is that I am guaranteed not to leak, shrink or crack for the next ten years.

3) A two-car garage can be very handy here in Michigan, especially with winter fast approaching. I know I'll be content with the knowledge that the several hundred boxes of miscellaneous household wares that currently occupy every square inch of garage space (and probably will until next summer) is high and dry, as I scrape the ice from the windshields parked in the drive in sub-zero temperatures.

That's all the time I have for now. Believe me, there are many more home improvement stories, and I may share some along the way - though it's tough to blog in traction. In the meantime, I am reposting below a short "change of email address" notification I recently sent out. I fear I may have missed some of you, so please take copious notes.

Dear Friend,
I have a new email address. I am not bragging. Nor am I complaining. I am simply informing. It requires no action on your part. You may simply click "delete" and this will go away. You never have to think about it again. Or, you could take 10 seconds and update your address book. Up to you. It's still a semi-free country... unless your flying somewhere. Did you know that almost half of us use either Outlook or Outlook Express for their email? I'm an Outlook Express guy at home. (I have a brother that uses Eudora. Would you be surprised to learn that so do 10% of you?) I also have a few web-based email addresses, but I synched those up so they get downloaded by my Outlook Express. Besides, my free web-based email addresses and the two other domain-related email addresses I have are not changing. However, if you try to send me an email some day at the Charter address, one of two things will happen. You will receive a bounce-back error message of some sort stating that the email address is no longer in service. The other possibility is that someone else will have claimed that email address and they will receive your correspondence that was meant for me. They may become confused and wonder who you are and how it is that they owe you money. Of the two possibilities above, I think it most likely that you will receive an error message that the address is no longer valid. I mean, I would suspect that the universe of folks who would be interested in possessing my old Charter email address is limited to the number of "Jerry Carlsons" in the population. Not "Gerry" or "Jeri"... not even "Gerald", though that is my legal name. I can't imagine a "Robert Hughes" in Portland, Oregon, for example, being interested in acquiring my old email address. Unless "Jerry Carlson" is his nickname, and what are the odds of that? Not surprisingly, I was able to retain the "jerrycarlson" portion of my email address that appears in front of the "@" sign, and only change the domain from "charter.net" to "comcast.net". Easy, right? If that address wasn't available, my next choice was going to be "roberthughes @ comcast.net". That may have been tougher to remember for some of you. Of course, that may have been advantageous, right? You'd be like: "I WOULD have invited you to the party, Jerry, but I just couldn't remember that email address"... and I'd be like, "Quit being a smart@$$! I'm sure I sent you an email informing you that I was changing my email address!" Thankfully, we don't need to have that uncomfortable verbal altercation in the future because I didn't have to go with the "roberthughes" address thingy. However, if we do have that spat in the future over something else entirely, let me just apologize in advance. I just don't know what is going to come over me to cause me to act that way! Anyways, I am sending this short little announcement out to those individuals in my address book who have ever sent me an email at some point in the last decade... even that wealthy Nigerian businessman who continues to need help moving his vast fortune from his homeland and has been willing to fork over a few million to anyone who could help him. Sorry I couldn't help dude... I've been really busy. But don't ever give up your dream, sir! "Believe and you can achieve!," I say. In fact, whenever I am having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself, I just think of this poor foreign fella who can't find a ride over here because he doesn't have enough luggage to fit all of his gold bars, or something. So in conclusion, there is something I've been wanting to tell you and I just couldn't gather the courage... until now... here goes... "I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on a slitted sheet I sit." There. Feels good getting that off my chest. Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving with family and friends, and may you have a Blessed Christmas season!" Oh, I almost forgot... my new email address is jerrycarlson at comcast dot net
...and that's all I got to say about that.


In all seriousness, I owe many thanks for the help and well-wishes for the support I have received over the course of this very trying year. First and foremost, my wife, who has kept her sense of humor through all of my mood swings and has repeatedly reminded me of what is really important. Mega-thanks to my brother and sister-in-law, Bernie and Kristi for you know what. I can't EVER repay you. Just kidding, I'll repay you, but you know what I mean. Thanks also to my in-laws for their love and support (and use of their one-ton truck). Thanks to Cousin John for use of the 12-foot enclosed trailer, and to my cousin - the good dr. hirkimer - for use of his heavy-duty dolly (and also that large wheeled cart used for moving things). Thank you brother Snap for moving that refridgerator the day before Thanksgiving (among other things). Thanks to Pic Pic, for teaching me many years ago that no home improvement project was complete without the multi-versatile drywall mud compound (turns out that when it dries on wounds after they've sufficiently clotted - it acts as a very adequate new skin product). Thanks to all my Flint Journal and Sheboygan Press friends, and to you - my blog readers, who allow me to stretch my funnybone on occasion.

I gotta go. Seems there is a curtain rod that needs wrestling.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Oh Yah. Bring it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 22, 2010


Going to see the movie "Evictus" tomorrow morning. No, not the movie with a similar name directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Morgan Freeman. This one is showing at the 67th District Court in Davison. Hey, at least the tickets (Summons) were free. The trailers to this slow moving train wreck have been brutal.

I'm just glad they found the time to schedule this the day before Thanksgiving.

Bed - Check
couch - Check
Computer - check
TV - check
Sense of humor - check

Looks like I'm good to go.

Like Morgan Freeman's character in another movie once said, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'". While this is not exactly Sinatra, I will say this about Flint - If I can make it there (again), I'll make it anywhere.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

If I were the pope

White smoke began to billow from the Vatican chimney, a clear sign that the Pope was dead and that the cardinals had elected a new one. Throngs of church progressives and the anti-Catholic press excitedly poured into Saint Peter's Square, gazing anxiously up at the Basilica balcony in hopes of seeing a new pope.

Out onto the balcony I walk (think General Patton, only wearing a tall hat and flowing robe), a burning cigar clenched between my teeth the now obvious source of the clouds of smoke. A hush falls across the assembled masses as they gaze upon my magnificence. Realization sets in and I take the look of shock-and-awe on their faces as my cue to begin.

Sorry to disappoint you jackasses, but it's still me. That's right, Daddy is going to start to take the training wheels off.

So I took the Popemobile down to the gas station to pick up a newspaper this morning, and the big headline of the day seems to be my condom quote to that German journalist who is writing a book. Not surprisingly, my words are being twisted in the press and being given meaning that isn't there, so let me clear up a few things.

It is true that Church teaching opposes the use of condoms as a form of artificial contraception. And yes, I did tell that journalist fella that the use of condoms can be justified in some cases, such as for male prostitutes seeking to prevent the spread of HIV. Here is my quote:
"There may be justified individual cases, for example when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be ... a first bit of responsibility, to re-develop the understanding that not everything is permitted and that one may not do everything one wishes... But it is not the proper way to deal with the horror of HIV infection... In certain cases, where the intention is to reduce the risk of infection, it can nevertheless be a first step on the way to another, more humane sexuality."
Pope Benedict XVI
Sorry haters, but I do not find a conflict here. Your headlines may scream "AIDS campaigners welcome pope's u-turn on condoms" and Australia welcomes papal shift on safe sex, but there seems to be a lot of wishful thinking going on out there.

Let's see if I can break this down for your feeble little minds.
* The church opposes condom use for contraception.
* Male prostitutes are not in danger of getting pregnant nor impregnating their gay Johns.
* Church doctrine also allows room for Howie Mandell to use a condom as a hat.

so while I was not condoning male prostitution, I figure they might as well wear a condom to provide some level of protection while engaged in their sinful behavior. Hell, I would say the same thing to some yahoo who insisted on putting a wet finger into the wall socket. Uhhh, hey bud, ya really shouldn't do that... but if you insist, at least wear a rubber glove.

Don't even think that I've forgotten how displeased many of you were when I was elected back in 2005. Hey, if you recall, I didn't exactly want this gig either. I know many of you have been upset by my being a staunch defender of orthodox Catholic doctrine, and that I have put the brakes on the progressive movements in the church. To that I say, guilty as charged.

Newsflash folks. The Word of God is unyielding, and His Church does not require "modernization". His Book is not a living-breathing document, and there will never be ammendments that excuse homosexuality, same-sex marriage, euthanasia, or abortion. I know I'm supposed to hate the sin but love the sinner, but some of you really make that difficult sometimes.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

DaBlade's Dream Theory and other mishmash, hodgepodge, pungent potpourri and flowery bouquet of blog words

"Eureka!," I thought. "I have single-handedly solved the whole enhanced airport screening controversy by the power of my fertile mind!" I excitedly mused.

Of course, I was in that "half awake / half asleep" stage I always move through toward complete wakefulness and having my first rational and conscious thought of the new day, which always seems to be a variation of the same theme: "MUST... HAVE... COFFEE". That familiar stage where my body shifts from having REMs to having RPMs - Rapid Prostate Movements.

I have solved quite a few work problems and unraveled a fair share of thought knots in this fugue-like state shuffling my my way to the toilet over the years. It's a tricky science, however, as the output from one of these "Eureka!" moments is as likely as not to be gobbledygook.

I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry goes to bed after watching a scary sci-fi flick, only to wake up briefly in the middle of the night to write down what he believes to be a killer joke on a pad by his bed - then giggles himself back to sleep. The following day he is unable to decipher what he wrote.
JERRY: (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit.

(Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second.. "Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke?
Eureka or gobbledygook?
I usually know that answer before my feet are fully swung out over the side of the bed and inserted into my pink and furry bunny slippers because my second thought of the day immediately following the "coffee thought" is either: "OF COURSE! Why didn't I think of this before? It's so simple!" or more frequently: "huh? wtf dude, you have some real issues".

So why do we dream?
(and why are DaBlade's dreams better than mine?)

Full disclosure here, while I do not actually have a degree in psychology and am not a practicing sleep therapist, I have tirelessly studied and have dedicated the better part of my life to sleeping. And while I don't mean to brag, I've also spent the last few minutes google browsing the subject of "dream interpretations". Hey, until you've worn my spandex unitard pajama thong and walked in my bunny slippers, I would recommend you not doubt me.

Dream Theories* Sigmund Freud believed that dreams existed to fulfill his sexual perversions. I'm guessing he would have loved having his bags checked at the airport.
* The computer metaphor - dreams are a way for us to defrag our cluttered minds as we commit some memories acquired during the previous day to longterm backup storage while others are sent to the recycle bin.
* The "sleeping on it" problem solving theory.

DaBlade's Theory of Dreams
All of the prior theories may have some sliver of truth, but what I believe they all miss is that dreams are not simply a result of chemical reactions and electrical discharges in an organic brain. I believe we have an out-of-body experience, whereby our consciousness is actually transported to a place I refer to as Dreamland. A land of rainbows, unicorns, cotton candy and killer jokes yet to be discovered. All are welcome in Dreamland Carole Anne!

The other 95% of our brainpower is unleashed in Dreamland allowing us to solve all of the most important riddles. I believe the problem occurs in the trip back through the veil of consciousness. Most of the cool thoughts and understandings can't fit through this veil and they get stuck between worlds like dolphins in a tuna net. It's sorta like the Terminator having to travel naked through time because his clothes can't make the trip. (Hey! That's one solution to this TSA business).

Anyway, that's my dream theory.

OH! I almost forgot to tell you. "What was the 'Eureka!' solution to the enhanced aggressive airport screenings," you ask? I'm sorry to tell you, but it was just more gobbledygook. Somehow my fugue self really believed the answer was for airports to just install the U-Check, self-service scanning technology used in grocery stores.

Hmmmm. Back to the drawing board.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Bad news, goods news

The bad news is, I missed my originally scheduled flight because of a small delay at the pat-down station after a body scanner malfunction.

The good news is, the TSA workers missed my Twinkie stash. Don't ask where I keep my junk.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Crappy Christmas Gifts 2010

Obama's new children's book "Of Thee I Sing" hits the shelves today and immediately takes the top spot as this year's crappiest Christmas gift, easily surpasing the Justin Bieber doll and Playmobil's Airport Security Check Point Playset.

The publisher describes Obama's latest book as "a moving tribute to thirteen groundbreaking Americans and the ideals that have shaped our nation -- from the artistry of Georgia O'Keeffe, to the courage of Jackie Robinson, to the patriotism of George Washington."

Proceeds from the book, which has a suggested retail price of $17.99, will be donated to a scholarship fund for children of fallen and disabled soldiers.

It 's unknown at this point if Obama actually authored this cerebral tome, or if it was written by his favorite ghost-writer, Bill Ayers. Frankly, I'm not sure who the target market is with this. The left-wing nutjobs that are his base will be put off by the fact that their money will go towards war-monger's children, and Tea Party folks probably will not want to buy a children's book they feel it necessary to proof-read first.

Obama's book is also not expected to do well with his whacko lib base when pitted against the competition of this impressive line of children's gifts from Chattering Teeth Toys.

Abortion Operation
Egocentric Sally has decided it's not real convenient for her to carry this tissue mass to term. Pass the forceps, we're going in!

Name an abortion after your significant other
and get your very own commemorative snow globe filled with abortion debris from the International Abortion Registry...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Michelle causes scene at airport

I don't really care about this Supreme Court case - I just liked the picture

Now comes the case of the Mexican-born Ruben "the deported drug dealer" versus the United States.

PICTURED: Michelle Obama seems to have taken sides with the defense on this one. (Don't know the artist on this one, but nicely done!)

What is before the Supreme Court is whether or not this foreign-born dope smoker should be allowed to seal his birth records and claim he was born in Hawaii so he can begin his run for the presidency.

OK, not really. He just wants citizenship.

Quick Facts of the case:* Born in Tijuana in 1974 to unwed parents.
* His biological mother is Mexican and his then 16-year-old father is an American citizen.
* Raised by grandma and father in San Diego since he was 2 months old.
* Has been deported six times since then for drugs, only to sneak back across the border each time.
* Now he is claiming the immigration laws discriminate because it gives unwed mothers more rights than fathers.

Different rules for woman? I guess I'm OK with that. I always thought that an American woman's womb was like a U.S. embassy in foreign lands - you know... always considered U.S. soil. I just wish Michelle would keep her hands off her diplomatic pouch.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Obama looking old in Asia

Obama speaks during his news conference at the G-20 summit in Seoul, South Korea

I don't know about you, but I'm a believer that the office of the presidency tends to prematurely age a person.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

ocular illusions of the fertile mind

Just what was that object seen hurtling into the sky over the Southern California coast?

Was it a missile fired by a foreign submarine? A meteor? Ironman? My first thought was - I wonder if little Falcon, of baloon boy fame, has been located, or if he is hiding under his bed again?

“There is no evidence to suggest that this is anything else other than a condensation trail from an aircraft,” according to a Pentagon spokesman.

Looks too big of a contrail to be coming from a commercial jet liner... unless, of course, one of the passengers is the perpetually tanned John Boehner sneaking a smoke in the john. Mystery solved.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Urban Miners Gone Wild

Detroit Public Schools have become the symbol for what is wrong with public education in general in this country, and for good reason, what with their lofty 25% high school graduation rate. That's why I'd like to take this opportunity to recognize them for this positive story from today's Detroit News:
Scrappers take anything of value from DPS sites

"Blade, what can you possibly find positive in this story? Grayling Elementary, one of 70 closed and boarded up schools waiting to be sold or demolished, is getting ransacked by scrappers for parts.

Well, at least these buildings are once again being populated with skilled professionals with some semblance of higher math skills. At the very least, you would have to agree that their truancy rates have plummeted. And with Michigan's unemployment rate being what it is, maybe we could use more of this kind of entrepreneurial spirit.

Do you have what it takes to be an "urban miner"? Take this quiz and find out:
1. Little Johnny and little Timmy break into a defunct Detroit Public School looking for what?
(A) Books
(B) A quiet place to smoke crack
(C) Jimmy Hoffa
(D) Copper and other materials they can easily sell

2. If copper currently fetches $4 per pound and they work from 9 p.m. until 4 a.m (a 7 hour shift) gathering 100 pounds of copper, which statement would be false?
(A) Little Johnny and little Timmy are in possession of $400 worth of copper
(B) These industrious lads have earned $200 each (if the booty is split evenly)
(C) They will have earned over $28 per hour for their labor
(D) 100 pounds of copper weighs more than 100 pounds of feathers

3. If little Johnny pops a cap in little Timmy's a$$, what will little Johnny get?
(A) 20 to life for first degree murder
(B) Class valedictorian honors
(C) Promotion to the next grade
(D) All the copper for himself, and whatever drugs and dirty needles he finds in Timmy's pockets

TEST ANSWERS: "D" for "Detroit" was the correct response in each question above. So how did you do?

Now for some Flint local news.
FLINT (WJRT) -- (11/09/10) -- The latest price tag on the Genesee Towers has now been totaled, and Flint taxpayers are learning just how much it will cost them to pay for the building.

The concerns are growing for property owners as they learn details of a special assessment to pay off nearly $9 million for a vacant building.
$9 million bucks for that ol' thing? Why not just encourage those Detroit scrapper dung beetle dudes to swing by and cart this eyesore away? I'm sure we could get them for much less.

Happier Times for the Genesee Towers

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Megamind - A Large Blue Thumbs Up

Caught Megamind, the new DreamWorks 3D animation, this past weekend. I was pulled there by the wife and youngin' and had no idea what the movie even was about. I didn't much care and had no expectations. I mean, there would be popcorn and cool dark sunglasses, so what could go wrong?

What a fantastic surprise! Will Ferrell lends his voice to the big blue-headed villain and Brad Pitt is the suave hero Metro Man. This movie is hilarious, with several "audible gutteral inference of humor" (AGIH) moments. NOTE: I'm trying to replace the tired "LOL" with my own more accurate acronym.

One of my fav sight gags was this "NO YOU CAN'T" poster, visible on a building as the "camera" scanned the Metrocity skyline - AGIH! Go see this immediately!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Confessions of an ex-Tree Killer

I have no regrets 3 weeks after voluntarily leaving a paying job with a regular weekly paycheck in Wisconsin and returning home to my family and friends in Michigan, albeit with no current income. (I do, however, have a plan, but that's for another blog). I did make some good friends in the 3 short months I was there, but without going into any detail for my reasons, let me just say that I quickly realized two things about the newspaper biz:

1) I am a highly skilled and multi-talented Circulation Director/Operations Manager, a tad short on humility notwithstanding.
2) I no longer want anything to do with the newspaper biz.

Any lingering regrets were quickly dispelled during a phone conversation I had with one of my closest friends 3 weeks ago while I was driving a loaded 26-foot UHaul through downtown Chicago traffic on my way home. He was an old colleague of mine many years ago in Flint, who was more recently one of the top three CDs for USA Today in Florida. I say "was" because he had just received word that he was one of 40 CDs across the country who were laid off by Gannett last month. It was, coincidentally, a Gannett propery that I had left behind in Wisconsin. Needless to say, he was devasted and still in shock, wondering how he was now supposed to support his wife and young daughter.

Last week I learned more cuts were made at Booth properties in Michigan. Most of these were from the west side of the state in Grand Rapids, Muskegon and Kalamazoo, but Flint did not go untouched - as three accounting folks (one with 30 years in and a good friend of mine) were laid off. I met with her yesterday to offer my sympathy and hopefully was successful in assuring her that she was too talented for this to be anything more than a temporary inconvenience.

Last night I kept thinking about the science fiction classic, The Time Machine, by H. G. Wells. In this story set into the future, there is a race of light-fearing Morlocks - pale, apelike people who live in darkness underground and hold dominion over a peacefull race of Eloi. Unfortunately for the Eloi, their relationship is not one of lords and servants (read - employer and employees with "job for life" guarantees) but of livestock and ranchers.

Like I said, time for a change. "I break with thee, I break with thee, and throw dog poopy on your shoes".

Saturday, November 6, 2010

BEDBUGS on 60 Minutes

We bedbugs have been taking a “shellacking” lately, but "I think that's a fair argument" to say that it's not our blood sucking of the public that is being rejected, but rather our "failing to sell the importance of" of these parasitic policies.

"I think that, over the course of two years we were so busy and so focused on" infesting hotels, public transportation and NYC schools, that "we stopped paying attention to the fact that" infestations are not just about feeding on our host's blood.

"That it’s a matter of persuading people" to ignore the resulting skin rashes, psychological effects and allergic symptoms, not to mention the gag factor at our disgusting appearance.

Friday, November 5, 2010

R.I.P. Sparky. "Pain don't hurt"? It does now.

For me, Sparky Anderson was one of those larger-than-life celebrities in the "sports hero" category. He managed the Detroit Tigers from 1979 to 1995 and I have many warm memories of this man and his body of work.

Let me put it this way. If I was shown an inkblot roughly in the shape of Sparky, I would think two things... First, I would associate his image with my memories of those great Tiger teams, especially that magical 1984 Championship season. I'll never forget that 35-5 start.

The other thing I'd think would be, "Why the heck am I being shown inkblots and can someone please loosen these restraints?"

Sparky was known for being (UNDERSTATEMENT ALERT!) quotable. A co-worker and I used to scan the sports section at our desk while the newspaper was still warm from the press, looking for any new quotes from this man that we would cut out for our "Sparkyisms" file. That file got pretty thick as I recall. Many of them are found here and there, but I know we had some unique ones I haven't seen since. I wonder if Barry still has that?

Anywho, gotta run. "Nurse! Can you change the channel now? The View is coming on!"

"People who live in the past generally are afraid to compete in the present. I've got my faults, but living in the past is not one of them. There's no future in it." - Sparky

Thursday, November 4, 2010

DaBlade: "I am not a Warlock. I'm you!"

DaBlade - The perpetually tanned, sharply tailored, cigar chain-smoking Michigander - returned to "the internets" Wednesday, November 4, 2010, after a lengthy hiatus spent on his mountain retreat while being tended to by robed and mute monks. Almost immediately following the posting of his long anticipated blog yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial Average climbed to a two-year high.

During a tear-filled address made to an unplugged webcam, DaBlade announced "a new way forward" with his return to the spacious Chatteringteeth offices yesterday.
“This is not a time for celebration, not when one in 10 of our fellow bloggers have writers block. This is a time to roll up our sleeves and start pounding our keyboards. If you're like me, then just remove your sleeves altogether and oil up them biceps for a more intimidating blog performance. My point is, I look forward with determination to take the first steps toward building a better future for our kids and grandkids.”
NOTE: President Obama telephoned DaBlade to tell him he was "looking forward to once again reading Chattering Teeth on (his) teleprompter and learning more from the true master of flowery rhetorical flourish,” according to a White House spokesperson.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A Conservative Coup - Can you hear me now?

I woke up this morning with renewed enthusiasm and vigor after yesterday's historic spanking administered to Obama's agenda, with the Republicans taking back the House. There was even a Republican or two elected right here in Michigan, including our new Governor-elect and "One Tough Nerd", Rick Snyder.

Now back to my feeling of euphoria. I am hopping around the house like the reformed Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas morning, with a goofy grin on my face and joy and love in my heart. I'm doing the Ebenezer jig and singing like a drunken sailor. I changed the words of his song a little...

"Obama doesn't know anything, he never did know anything... but now you know that he doesn't know..."

I have no prized goose to cook for dinner, but since this is a symbolic reference, the part of the cooked goose will be played by Obama. Or would he be the ghost of Marxists past? Ah well, casting to be done later.

It wasn't a perfect showing, admittedly, what with Reid and the Dems narrowly holding the senate. Harry Reid clung to his Nevada seat like a stubborn colon polyp refusing to budge. Hey, sometimes on election day the voters will "snip off the things they find when they go up and, no more" and other times they don't.

So while not perfect, I know how to answer my kids queries regarding the election results when they ask, "Did you plug the hole yet daddy?".
Yes, the hole has been plugged. We will cement this midterm victory and put a permanent cap on Obama's destructive agenda come 2012. For now we must be content to look up in the sky and realize that those are our planes now... almost.

Speaking of colon polyps, Tim Kaine, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, misinterpretted the results this way:

“Voters sent a message that change has not happened fast enough.”

Exactly right Mr. Kaine. The voters did not scream for a change in direction. They LOVE the direction toward economic oblivion. We just are not happy with the SPEED Obama and the dems are driving us there and we are an ignorant bunch, clueless to the concept of cause and effect.

Oops, my bad. I slipped into that stupid car analogy metaphor thingy that Obama loves to use so much. Seems I'm not alone in this though. The new Republican "Speaker-Elect", if you will, John Boehner, said this to a cheering throng last night:

"We hope President Obama will now respect the will of the people, change course, and to commit to making changes they are demanding."

Obama respecting the will of the people? Yah, right. I guess we'll find out this afternoon when Obama reads from his teleprompter on this subject today. Maybe it will go something like this:

OBAMA: My fellow Americans. As you know, I inherited a mess from George Bush. He took a joyride in our car and left it in a ditch. Since my election, I have had my boots on - my Mom Jeans covered in mud - trying to push that car out of the ditch. It's hot down there. There is garbage, dead fetuses and used condoms down there. Looks like the National Mall after a liberal rally. Not pleasant. But I've been pushing that car for you. I only stop to take a smoke break, but I make sure that Nancy is pushing while Harry is trying to steer. When Nancy bitches and asks for them to change positions, Harry whines that his skin is sensitive to the mud, and besides, her "gavel" is bigger than his. Break over.

Now you, the American voter, have spoken. You have ignorantly given the keys back to the Republicans in the House. Did I mention that these are the same guys who have been standing and watching us, sipping on their slurpees? Boehner was kicking dirt down and mooning us. Now I am supposed to respect the will of the people and promise to become more centrist, compromising with the Republicans?

Hell no! They can get in the car, but they have to ride in back next to my socialist mop. I recognize that you, the American people, are just upset with the speed of my change, not the direction. Remember, when you want to move the car forward, you put the transmission thingy to "D" for "drive". "D" also stands for "Democrats". If the gears slip into "R", then we go in "reverse". Get it? "R" for "reverse" and for "Republicans". Clever, right?

Now suppose I let them get behind the wheel. I still own the senate, and the media for that matter. A balanced budget? A repeal of my Obamacare? Don't even think about it. The gears will slip into Neutral and we will just be gridlocked. "N" for "Newt", remember him? I need the tires moving on this car to get us out of this ditch. The mud is only up to the wheel wells and if I'm going to dig this car all the way to my partners in China, I need to keep the car digging.

That is why I accept the intent of the American people, if not the will. I know what you really meant. Time for a bootlegger's turn.

Mr. president, I will gladly accept the car stuck in neutral than where you have been driving us. Check your dashboard. The GPS is rerouting.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Sunday, July 18, 2010


I'm not talking about the oil well cap... I am refering to Obama's "Vacation Golf, B-Ball and Rally Cap".
In defense of Obama tirelessly focusing on vacations like a laser beam:
Obama's three-day Maine vacation has provoked outrage, just like Bush's Crawford trips did. But Reihan Salam says such getaways don't just rejuvenate the president—they remind us he's human.
HUH!? He's.... "human"? You mean he is not the messiah? Do you know what you're saying Mister Reihan Salam? This is blasphemous rhetoric against The One!
One gets the impression that we've reached a similar conclusion about our presidents: as long as there is distress in the land, Barack Obama, his wife, and his two children must remain in the White House, suffering in the sweltering heat and looking dour, never betraying signs of relaxation or a simple love of life.
Hmmm. Why should we insist he remain inside his house, "suffering in the sweltering heat and looking dour, never betraying signs of relaxation or a simple love of life"??? It's not like he is one of us tens of millions of unemployed human debris he has left in his wake of destruction.

Oil well, Schmoil well. THAT kind of destruction takes some doing and effort, and a little R&R might just be the ticket. In fact, I look forward to the day when he is put out to pasture for good.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

What's on your Kindle?

I received a Kindle as a birthday present from my wife last August. I was just reviewing my "library" of downloads on my Amazon account, and was amazed to find I had read over 50 books in less than a year. Here is a montage of most of them...

As you can see, I went heavy on the Mystery & Thrillers, with a dab of Science Fiction, Horror and a few classics. (Absolutely no vampire romances allowed).

This, along with a few "real" books made from paper, not to mention the few hours per day on average spent in a voracious consumption of online news.

A Facebook friend commented on a similar link this way: "so do you love it? I've been looking at them but I am not sure I can give up the whole smelling the book, turning the pages, etc."

My response: It's awesome. I recognize the irony from a guy who's fortunes are tied to wood pulp. Many of theses books were free downloads, or discounted to cost under $1, mostly classics easily found on the internet or new authors looking to make a splash. Most of them were very good, and books I never would have even glanced at in a bookstore. Witha Kindle, you can carry around a veritable library in a carryon, and at move time, save a box or three.

So I ask you, what's on your Kindle?

Friday, July 9, 2010

The Great Obama Depression

Recession is when it happens to everyone else
Depression is when it happens to you.

I can't recall the soothsayer who originally coined this phrase, and frankly am not interested in initiating the exhaustive 2 minute google search to find out. I'm just not that curious. I can, however, attest to the wisdom of the statement, having entered into the Great Obama Depression with my layoff back in February. Fact is, this is a Depression for millions of Americans living in the expanding shadow of the Obama regime.

Since last we spoke, my wife also lost her administrative job due to declining enrollment at the school. Neither of us were interested in donning brown shirts and scouring the neighborhood as census workers for the socialist-in-chief, so that greatly lessened the pool of potential future employers.

Needless to say, we have been economically devasted by these events. You could also say we were highly leveraged, what with tuition payments for one son attending Notre Dame and the other two in Parochial schools (not to mention hockey bills and other necessary sundries). Frank and Dodd's democrat housing scam caused us to be approximately $90k upside down in our house. Did I mention we lost our income? The perfect sh*# storm.

On the positive side, I just dropped off some suit pants to get altered, having lost 25 pounds in the last 5 months. Some loss was due to stress, but mostly I did this on purpose by taking better care of myself and watching what I eat. Besides, government cheese can make one lose their appetite.

The good news is that after months of fruitless attempts at finding work in Flint, Michigan, I expanded my search and was successful in landing a position in Wisconsin. They're lucky to get me, and I feel just as blessed to be going there. Many of my friends were shocked to learn I was sticking with the newspaper industry, but like I've told them, my experiences here have left my sphinxter perpetually puckered. That said, I'm going to a market that is relatively stable by comparison, and to a company that is as strong as it gets in this business. I will be earning about half as much as I was a little over a year ago, but Hillary thankfully sent me a slightly used red reset button, so it's all good.

Also on the positive side is that my middle son will be just down the road in Milwaukee attending Marquette. He is excited about school again now that he will be joing the Navy ROTC program offered there.

So what does the future hold? How should I know, but my plan is to start consuming cheese in vast quantities, washing it down in responsible amounts of Spotted Cow, and kicking butt for my new employer.

Hmmm. Maybe I should have waited on getting those waist lines taken in.

The next few weeks and my upcoming move should prove to be busy, so I probably won't be hanging around this spacious Chattering Teeth office on a regular basis during this period. Once I'm settled in though, I hope to run a vacuum and dust off this blog's counter tops again.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Sh*t Helen Thomas Says

New this fall on Al Jazeera TV, it's the new comedy, "Sh*t My Teacher Says".
You'll laugh uproariously at the off-the-cuff quips and mindless drivel from cantankerous old Elementary teacher "Mrs. Hezbollah," played by longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas. It's non-stop hilarity in season one's pilot episode, when the ancient and kindly Mrs. Hezbollah fills her students with revisionist history, while at the same time advocating the benefits of religious cleansing.

MRS. HEZBOLLAH: Tell the Jews to get the hell out of Palestine. The Palestinian people are occupied and it’s their land. The Israelis should go home to Poland, Germany, America and everywhere else.

STUDENT: My dad says there has never been a land known as Palestine, and therefore there is no such thing as a Palestinian people, language or culture, and that the Jewish people have thousands of years of history in the land of Israel. By the way, isn't today's lecture supposed to be about the American Indian?

MRS. HEZBOLLAH: Tell the Americans to get the hell out of North America. The American Indian people are occupied and it’s their land. U.S. citizens should go home to England, Europe and everywhere else. Except for the illegal Mexican immigrants. They can stay.

STUDENT: My dad says that Homo erectus immigrated out of Africa about a million years ago. Would you have them return?

MRS. HEZBOLLAH: I'll pack my bags immediately.