Thursday, May 31, 2018

In the "And you thought YOU were having a bad day" Department

Didja see this? 

The remains of a man trying to escape the volcanic eruption of Mount Vesuvius nearly 2,000 years ago were found in Pompeii, Italy, this week...
Archaeologists believe the man was fleeing to safety, having managed to escape the first volcanic eruption, but was subsequently crushed by a large stone in the process.

Archaeologists believe the man was around 35-years-old and suffering from a bone infection. His head has not yet been found.

His head has not yet been found? I can give them a clue where to start looking.

 The story suggests that the internet memes this photo generated are somehow inappropriate. I say, meme away. The average life expectancy in ancient Rome was 35 years of age. The dude made it! If I were him and was given a choice on "how to go" the day before Vesuvius erupted, THIS would have been my wish.

 But that got me to thinking. I wonder how these folks spent the day before the big blow? Were they worried about stuff that wasn't really important in the big scheme? Shouldn't they have taken an occasional look at the rumbling mountain over their shoulder and prioritized a little better?
Life is rock and roll
Sisyphus Vesuvius
Pyroclastic flow

In 1942, a gentleman by the name of Albert Camus had a philosophical essay published titled, "The Myth of Sisyphus." In it, Camus argues that Sisyphus symbolizes "man's futile search for meaning" and concludes with this: "The struggle itself...is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."  So basically Hannah Montana had it about right. It is the climb.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

FREE TOMMY! AND FREE A HOT DOG BUN!

Pet Peeve Dept: If half a turn with the reins around the hitching post will hold a 1500 pound horse while the cowboy is knocking a few back in the saloon, then it should be good enough for the twist tie on the bread wrapper people. When I want a sandwich, I do not want to have to perform 20-some untwists (after starting in the wrong direction of course and making it worse). I doubt the slices are plotting an escape. 

 It happens every time there is a cook out and I want to get a bun for the brat and/or the burger, and the wrapper is closed with a twist tie. Do I untie clockwise or counter clockwise? There is no right or wrong answer and it is always a 50/50 proposition, for the twist tie is torqued down tight.

My understanding is that in the UK, twist ties HAVE to be turned counter-clockwise to loosen them. Of course, this is America where you are still allowed to be against Islamic pedophile groomers,  so there is no law regarding twist tie directions (or even a toilet paper roll OVER/not under Amendment).

The story has a happy ending, as I was ultimately successful in extricating the hot dog bun after much angst. Hope your cookout was as fruitful.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

A Case For Caravaning

or alternate blog post titles:

*When wives attack text directions

*Meet you at Sweetwater

*What I knew was... what I didn't know...

What I knew was that my wife and I had been invited to attend the Detroit Tigers baseball game vs the Chicago White Sox on Saturday, May 26 with my brother and sister-in-law. What I didn't know was that the seats would be be behind home plate in the upper deck and fantastic. But before we get to that part...

What I knew was that I don't own a cell phone and so rely on getting important messages thru my wife. What I didn't know was that her narrative invention would throw the proverbial curveball into our plans.

What I knew was that we would be driving separately (as they were heading to Kalamazoo after the game) and that we were to "meet at Sweetwater pub" at 12:30pm. What I didn't know was that my brother meant the Sweetwater bar just a few miles from my house (never been there and forgot it was named this) and that I was told we were supposed to meet in Detroit - so (going against my instincts) I pointed the GPS at the Sweetwater Tavern a few blocks away from the ballpark.

NARRATOR SIDENOTE QUERY - When partaking in a day trip with friends or family involving separate vehicles, do you decide to; 1) meet at the destination at a specific time? or; 2) caravan?

My wife was brought up in a home where they practiced "meeting there" and I come from a long line of caravaners. As a caravaner myself, I am not sure how the "meet theres" are so confident the other parties will follow thru or actually remember to leave for the agreed-upon meeting spot without a continual line-of-sight. They're family, after all, so how can they be trusted not to wander off? If at any point the other party in a caravan cannot be spotted in the traffic, there is a flurry of immediate and frantic phone calls and shouting out of mile markers, with instructions for one or more parties to "take the next exit" or to "wait on the shoulder" until the caravan can once again be made whole. Otherwise we are no better than the beasts in the forest.  

So at 12:30pm sharp we pull into the parking lot in downtown Detroit.

My wife calls the sister-in-law, "where are you?".

"We are at Sweetwater Bar in Grand Blanc and waiting for you," she answers.

And THIS is why we caravan. 

I blame myself for doubting this life's rule by listening to my "meet there" wife, but I was excited for lunch in Mexicantown on Detroit's southwest side. Time for recriminations later, there are margaritas with my name on them (my Spanish name is "Geraldo", btw)

By now, my wife has her phone on speaker. I hear my sister-in-law tell my wife to meet them at the Blue Water Bridge in an hour. I hear my brother say that, "I hope my brother realizes you meant the Ambassador Bridge and not the Blue Water Bridge, which is in Port Huron.

And THIS is why we caravan.

I say, "I'll see you in Mexican Village when you get there. I'll be the gringo with a stack of empty margarita glasses in front of him."

...And that is how they found me. A great lunch and fun time at the ballpark was had by all. All's well that ends well, but it could have been worse. I had a bad feeling someone was going to get the signals crossed again and call from a jail cell in Tijuana.

So in conclusion, when planning a day trip with family and/or friends involving several vehicles - CARAVAN! If you're worried that not everyone can agree on a specific speed, you can always rent a car transport carrier.


THE END

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Pig in a Blog Poke

Sure, the internet is responsible for destroying my first career that I had a 30-year investment in, but then it does something like this... AND TOTALLY REDEEMS ITSELF!

Why Would a Pig Follow a Man Home?
Ohio police received a call at 5:26 a.m. Saturday (May 19) from a man who said he was trying to walk home from an Amtrak train station in Elyria but was being followed … by a pig. 

The man was unsure how to react. The police thought he was drunk and possibly hallucinating, but when they arrived at the scene, they found a sober man who was indeed being followed by a pig.

Obviously, a full investigation needs to be launched. Why would a pig be so persistent when it was made clear to it time and time again that the man wanted nothing to do with it?

Some answers may be forthcoming in a new book from the following pig's perspective. Pre-order your copy here!

Monday, May 21, 2018

HAMMER DOWN ON THE DEEP STATE!!!

May 2

May 20

Trump is about to put the Hammerdown!! This calls for one of my fav Nugent tunes with Meatloaf on vocals (bet you didn't know that, didja Street Rats?)

White line
Double time
Comin' 'round with a hammerdown

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Trump Lunch Break

Nothing much on the...
Trump Schedule Thursday, May 17, 2018
I see that Mad Dog remembered to pick up a Happy Meal for the Secretary General of NATO

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Miss dumbum ain't ur teacher today

If you recognized today's blog title as being a quote from the movie School of Rock, then you're AWESOME! 

I would say, "YOU ROCK," but I have no idea whether or not you even play a musical instrument or sing (and I don't want to assume your musical talents). Even if you are musically inclined, that doesn't mean "you rock". Barry Manilow doesn't exactly rock. Celine Dion certainly doesn't rock. That's not a knock against them. They're doing their own thing, but it's not rock.

But that's getting off track from my original point, which was meant to recognize your 'awesomeness' for recognizing a quote in a scene from the movie School of Rock and from the actor Jack Black's character, Dewey Finn, while impersonating his substitute teacher friend, Mr. Schneebly because he was out of work and needed a job. 

Seriously, that is one of my favorite top ten movies. I think I have about 50 of those so far.

Again, I digress. Back to the subject at hand - which was my pet peeve of the misused expression "YOU ROCK". If you've ever told someone that they "rock", for something other than playing rock and roll music well... stop doing that.

Ted Nugent rocks. Alice Cooper rocks. Bob Seger rocks. Bob from Accounting does not rock, even when nailing the latest spreadsheet. 

Then again, maybe Bob from Accounting plays lead guitar at the local watering hole at night to supplement his income. If he plays well, then he rocks, but only during his gigs and never during his day job. Are you getting this?

Suppose further that Bob ROCKS a kick a$$ solo, and after his set, he walks up to the bar and you tell him, "nice cover sheet on your latest TPS reports." That would not be appropriate nor appreciated. Tell him he "rocks",  then wait to compliment him on his accounting prowess in the morning.

Joe Satriani also rocks, but unlike the gentlemen listed in the above paragraph - he is not from the great state of Michigan. But you know what other band is? Greta Van Fleet, and Greta Van Fleet most certainly ROCKS!

Greta Van Fleet are an American rock band from Frankenmuth, Michigan. Frankenmuth already owned Christmas time, chicken dinners, beer breweries and lederhosen - now they are also home to the hottest rock band in the land. 

Greta Van Fleet formed in 2012 and consists of 3 brothers and a buddy (vocalist Josh Kiszka, guitarist Jake Kiszka, bassist Sam Kiszka, and drummer Danny Wagner).

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Volcano Threatens Obama's Childhood School

True story.

JAKARTA, Indonesia — Indonesia’s most active volcano, Mount Merapi, erupted early Friday, spewing sand and pyroclastic material and sending an ash column as high as 18,045 feet into the sky.

In other volcano news, kilauea continues to erupt in Hawaii.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Melania Trump declares US leaving ‘horrible’ Michelle Obama School Lunch Program

Flashback


School children are rejoicing across the country and celebrating the end of Mooch's lunch program.





Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Melania cyber bullied

Melania Trump launches “Be Best” awareness campaign to combat online bullying and quickly becomes a victim of rabid social media bullying herself. Apparently, the minions of Michelle Obama sycophants believe the catch phrase "Be Best" slogan was stolen from something Michelle had said years earlier in an interview with Oprah when she encouraged men to "be better". Sounds to me like Michelle "be trippin'".

"It was an honest mistake," stated Melania. "I originally wanted 'Be Excellent,' but was told that was already taken."

Melania immediately changed the name to "For the first time in my adult life I'm proud of my country" awareness campaign in order to avoid controversy.


BREAKING CHATTERING TEETH NEWS!!! 
The scope of the Mueller investigation widens to include for possible plagiarized phrase collusion. Barron Trump's elementary school grammar teacher's home was raided by the FBI early this morning looking for possible wrongdoing in this Trump family grammar laundering.

So, Melania, Is there anything you'd like to say to Michelle after this major scandal?

Mooch "Be Biotch".

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Chris Christie Volcanogate

The USGS now says Hawaii's Kilauea eruption was caused by a collapse of the Pu’u’ ‘O’o crater, which increased in seismicity and deformation along the Volcano’s East Rift Zone. 

But what caused this collapse of the Pu’u’ ‘O’o crater remains a mystery, as does the noxious and toxic  gas emanating from the area.

In other news, former New Jersey governor, Chris Christie, says the surprise eruption will not curtail his Hawaiian vacation plans.

My Big Fat Tweet Funeral

John McCain Doesn’t Want Trump At His Funeral

MCCAIN: YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO MY FUNERAL!

TRUMP: I don’t want to go, and honestly I was not planning to go.

MCCAIN: Well good, cuz you can't come... it's my funeral, and I'd die if you showed up.

TRUMP:  Now I'm thinking about going. I expect I would have a crappy time, and I'd probably leave early... but if I don't have anything better to do, I'll swing by to pay my respects.

MCCAIN: NO! I demand you send Mike Pence instead!

TRUMP: Now you have to publicly invite me and I promise I won't. Either retract your statement and public invite me or I will not only go to your funeral, but I will make sure that Palin gives the eulogy.

MCCAIN: The dreaded Trump reverse psychology... Fine. Mr. President? I'd be honored if you would grace my corpse with your presence at my funeral.

TRUMP: I'll think about it.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Today is Cinco De Mayo - What's a Gringo to do?

Cinco de Mayo does not have to be racist.

Hola, y'all. I have a confession to make. I used to believe that it was ok for a white male to celebrate Cinco De Mayo by wearing an over-sized sombrero and dancing the macarana after getting hammered by consuming mass quantities of cervezas and margarittas, and slurring spleaking splanish with phrases like '¿ donde esta casa de pepe?'

Of course, I also used to believe that the Boy Scouts was an organization with the mission of turning young boys into men, and not a misogynistic institution of toxic masculinity, and that girls belonged in the Girl Scouts and baking my cookies.

I used to foolishly believe there were only two sexes (Millennials  read 'genders') and that men should not use the ladies restrooms.

Back in those old days, I used to respectfully stand for the national anthem, with my hand over my heart, and not on a knee in solidarity with cop haters and clueless discontents.

That was before I was 'woke'.

Thankfully, I'm no longer homophobic and I believe that its none of my business what pedophiles do in the privacy of their own cell blocks.


So this Cinco de Mayo, I will not participate in any cultural appropriation. For instance, you will not catch me at the local Chipotle or Taco Bell, telling the fast food worker to "andele with that order, senor!" Nor will you catch me posting any of those racist 'Mexican word of the day' memes like this one:

No, no. Instead, I plan on total immersion and full appreciation of this Mexican culture. In fact, I am currently posting this from the middle of a caravan full of Mexicans heading north towards the U.S. border in hopes of crossing illegally to escape this godforsaken place.

Yo, Juan! ¡√Āndale! ¡Arriba!

Friday, May 4, 2018

Smokey and the Dumbit

White House Press Briefing w/ Sarah Sanders - 5/3/18


17:00.
SARAH: Brian.

BRIAN: A couple quick questions. Does the president believe he's above the law, and...

SARAH: No.

BRIAN: ...and does he prefer to sit down with Kim Jung-Un [vacant stare and pregnant pause from reporter who forgot where he was for a second, probably due to drug abuse] ...before or after?

SARAH: I'll answer the first question. No. Go ahead.

BRIAN: Thank you. And does he prefer to sit down with Kim Jung-un versus Bob Mueller?

SARAH: I certainly think that the president feels like stopping a nuclear war and helping to protect the safety and security of people across the globe [Blade's edit: as opposed to sitting down with an out-of-control prosecutor who is off the rails and working directly for the democrat machine in trying to lay groundwork for a bogus coup Impeachment] would certainly be the number one priority of the president of the United States, and certainly I would think be the priority that most Americans would share and support the president doing.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018