Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Treat Please!

In other Halloween news, you may have read the story about how superstorm Sandy has revealed a skeleton beneath the town green that may have been there since Colonial times. But what the WaPo won't tell you, is that this colonial skeleton immediately began campaigning for Romney.

Happy Halloween!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

World's crappiest picture of the coolest Hunter's Moon

I took this picture with my cell phone on the way to work yesterday around 7:45AM. You have to trust me that the orange orb over the corn field is actually a picture of the moon (I was aiming west and not using a 'smart' phone). Since this was taken in the morning, it's not technically the Hunter's Moon, a term coined by Native Americans to describe the first full moon in October and a time to stockpile Cap'n Crunch for the long winter ahead. Unfortunately, the rising Hunter's moon was obscured by the massive hurricane for many, but East coast folks have more to worry about than their view of the moon.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Republican's War on Chili Peppers!

Recognizing The Right Of Plants To Evolve
Thank Gaia for NPR, HuffingGlue Post and the rest of the liberal media. You don't hear a peep about this issue from the fetus-loving Faux News watchers.

In other news, President Obama holds a 12 point lead in the latest poll of vegetables.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Noc the talking Beluga whale endorses Romney

Earlier this week the story broke regarding a beluga whale stunning researchers with it's imitation of the human voice. Since then, Noc has been speaking to reporters in unbroken and flawless English.

"I was just messing with those San Diego dope-smoking marine biologists by throwing them the irritating Flipper squeaks," said a clean and articulate Noc.
Noc told reporters he decided to drop his ruse because of the importance of this upcoming election.

"I might be just a talking cetacean in a big fish bowl, but even I know we can't afford another term from Obama. Consider this my official endorsement of Mitt Romney."

Joe Biden made a detour to the aquarium after hearing about Noc, and subsequently suffered a horrible impromptu debate loss at the fins of the bulbous headed mammal. "Seriously, I thought he was Bob Beckel," explained Biden.

Noc told reporters his sparring partner in preparation for his debate with Biden was a Sea anemone.

"It's the best stand-in for Joe I could find down there. They both have a column shaped body ending in an oral disc, and a brainless and primitive central nervous system. Honestly, the sea anemone gave me a tougher time than Joe," stated Noc, several octaves lower than typical whale calls and with a slight Wales accent.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Replica Moia or Obama bust? You decide!

Today's Palate Cleanser Pop Quiz:
The following 1 minute 47 second video taken along a Hawaiian road shows...

1) Researchers demonstrating their controversial theory on how the Easter Island Moai statues were transported from the island's rock quarries to their final position. 

2) Obama's recently completed 10-foot, 8,700-pound Presidential bust he had commissioned for his planned library being "walked" by disillusioned students toward the Kilauea Volcano for recycling.

Apparently, archaeologists don't all agree on just how these Polynesian megaliths were moved. Some believe the statues were laid prone and rolled along on logs, while others have adopted this "rockin' the fridge" strategy used in the video.  

Sadly, we know more about the origin of these 800-year-old Moai and how they got to where they are today then we do the 51-year-old Obama.

Maybe he really WAS born in Hawaii! Maybe he DID excel in college! Maybe he really DOES love this country!

“It’s a great story but the archaeological evidence doesn’t really support it,” said one archaeologists.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Joe Biden in the corn maze

Don't worry Joe. We'll let you out in 13 days.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

What divides us - What unites us

Over the past few months and weeks, both opponents have traveled from city to city touting their wares and raising their games. Last night's contest marked the end of the preliminary battles. As the dust settles, it's just mano y mano.

The table is now set, as both combatants sprint toward the finish line of what is quite possibly the most contentious contest in our nation's history. Soon, opinion polls predicting one thing while the next predicts another simply won't matter.

Those who know me are quite aware of where my allegiance lies. I will concede that the object of my derision even had a good night last night. But no one can make an honest assessment that somehow that equates to my side having a bad night.

Yes, we've been here before, and some are so turned off by the heated battle that they have tuned out, wrongly believing this to be "just another contest".  

To them I say, "this year it's different!" The choices couldn't be more stark and implications of the wrong side winning more dire! In this, you must pick a side, and the other side is quite literally standing on shaky ground.

The final showdown approaches, and like the Civil War, Americans faceoff against one another. However, when the battle is over and the righteous have vanquished their illegitimate foe, we will unite again as Americans – under the World Series pennant that will fly proudly about Comerica Park in Detroit – home of our beloved Tigers.


Monday, October 22, 2012

WORDS with Socialists

Just a couple weeks before the election, so did Obama use his time last week pointing to his accomplishments and laying out his agenda for the next four years?

No. He spent the past week doing his best Jeff Foxworthy imitation, swapping out Foxworthy's punchline of "You might be a redneck" with " might have Romnesia."

ROMNEY: “They have been reduced to petty attacks and silly word games.”

I'm actually impressed by Obama finding yet another silly deflection and obfuscation rather than too intense of a focus on his astronomical failures, even given a complicit and willing media. That takes some very unique talent.

I can see Obama taking this theme into the final debate tonight:

BOB SCHIEFFER: Good evening from Lynn University in Boca Raton, Florida. I'm Bob Schieffer of CBS, and I welcome you to the final of the 2012 presidential debates between President Barack Obama, the Democratic nominee, and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, the Republican nominee. The topic is foreign policy. President Obama, let's begin with you.

OBAMA: Well, thank you very much Bob. I want to thank Governor Romney and Lynn University here in beautiful Boca Raton for your hospitality. As residents of Boca Raton, you may already be aware that the letters of the city's name can be rearranged to spell the phrase, "Not a Cobra". Aaaaand that's me. I am not a snake like my opponent Mitt Romney... or should I call him... "A Robot Can"... Cuz robots are stiff aaaand not cool like me. see how I did that? I used all of the letters from Boca Raton! That's called an anagram... anagramnesia! I might have anagramnesia!

BOB SCHIEFFER: Two minutes Mr. Romney.

MITT: Let's get this on the record. After this debate, Iran will be 90 minutes closer to obtaining a nuclear weapon and the president is playing word games!

OBAMA: Actually, Bob, Iran has not only recently agreed to one-on-one talks, they have agreed to fully surrender but only if I am reelected. And by the way, your first name of "BOB" is an example of a palindrome, which of course has nothing to do with Sarah Palin, but is a word or sentence that reads the same forward as it does backward.

MITT: "...? Iran has agreed to surrender? They've done no such thing..."

BOB SCHIEFFER (interrupting): They... they... they did in fact surrender, sir. So let me -- let me call it an act of surrender.”

OBAMA: Can you say that a little louder Bob? Get the transcript I gave you earlier. By the way, "BOBS CHIEF REF". Get it Mitt? Can we play Rebus now?

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Sandra Fluke "Stump 'N Humps" 10 voters at a time

Sandra Fluke, the liberal activist who's 15 minutes of fame came from her attempts to secure Catholic-funded contraception from Georgetown Universities health coverage is back in the news - this time doing some "stump and hump" for the obama regime.
Sandra Fluke, the woman at the center of a media firestorm earlier this year after Rush Limbaugh called her a “slut,” spoke Saturday in front of about 10 people at the Sak ‘N Save in north Reno... “I’m trying to do everything I can for an election that I feel is very important. I have a unique opportunity for how I get to do that,” said Fluke.
FLUKE: "I was asked by the administration if I would 'do what I do best' in the swing states. I told them, 'sure, I'm used to being popular for just 15 minutes at a time, but I'm gonna need a dozen or so 18-wheeler tractor-trailors full of condoms.' I'm used to doing "Sak 'N Saves" in college, which is how I compensated my homework tutors."

Chattering Teeth has uncovered the rest of Fluke's schedule. After the Sak ‘N Save in Reno, she will be appearing at the following locations (with convoy of condoms in tow) right up until the election.

Cornholio's Quickie SaK in Rough And Ready, California
Piggly Wiggly and Porks-a-Lot in Humptulips, Washington
Hornbacher's Fresh and Easy in Dime Box, Texas
Trader Hoe's in Hooker Hole, Louisiana
Handy Andy's Cash, Bash & Carry in Lick Skillet, Virginia
Bottom Dollar Supermarket in Possum Trot, Kentucky

In case you missed it
A Philosophical Night With Sandra Fluke

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Obama in Rose Garden: Too early to tell if failed truck bomber a terrorist

I think it's a little premature for the rightwing media to label Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis a "terrorist". My goodness, I wish I had a dime for very time I parked a truck full of thousands of pounds of inert material in front of a federal building in lower Manhattan. Maybe he was just urban farming!

Some could argue the current administration is nothing more than 1,000 pounds of inert material, so where's the crime?

Officials claim that Quazi parked a van that he thought was filled with explosives in front of the Federal Reserve building, then went across the street and tried to set it off using a cell phone he thought was the detonator.
Excuse me, but perhaps it was just his Obamaphone and he was checking on his foreign student aid check. Let's just automatically jump to conclusions Fox News and assume the olive skinned Muslim gentleman is a terrorist!

I'm not saying this 21-year-old Bangladeshi man is completely innocent, I just think we need several weeks before we have enough evidence to emphatically state that this was a failed terrorist plot. Until there is actual evidence, we should give Q Tip the benefit of the doubt. For all we know, he stumbled across that disgusting YouTube video and spontaneously began to demonstrate.

But let's assume Quazimodo thought his truck bed full of sheep shit was explosive! Does that mean Quazi's crazy? Has anyone considered he may have been neighbors with Bill Ayers, and this is nothing more than just some youthful overexuberance?

Listen, when I heard how Q was treated by authorities at the scene, my stomach turned. While I don't yet have all the facts, it's clear the FBI acted stupidly. Do you know that he was actually forced to show his identification? I'm sorry, but I don't want to live in a society under that kind of threat. I agree that his comments to FBI agents seem to condemn him at first blush:

Quazi: “All I had in my mind are how to destroy America ... I came up to this conclusion that targeting America’s economy is most efficient way to draw the path of obliteration of America.”

But didn't President Obama say the same thing at the last debate? OK, maybe he didn't say it, but certainly that has been Obama's glorious strategy, peace be unto him.

The point is, can we all just take a deep breath and wait the 2 or 3 weeks it will take for officials to get their visa's to Bangladesh in order to search Q man's apartment for evidence? Clearly, Mr. Quantanamo should be allowed his freedom until after the election so that it is not a disruption in his defense (and so he has a chance to vote).

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

NEW! Benghazi Board Game fun!

Benghazi, by Halfbro is a mix of all your favorite traditional board games, but with a twist.

It's like RISK, in that you start by placing your plastic game piece Diplomats on the board and decide whether to support them with security details. It's like Yahtzee, in that you can "roll the dice" on your diplomat's safety if you believe it might hurt your image. It's like Dungeons and Dragons, as a player is picked to be the Candy Mountain Dugeon Master Moderator who decides what monsters attack, and throwing flags at players she doesn't like. It's like Monopoly, only the opposite. Players who collect the most money by following the rules are considered out of touch and must be scorned. At the end of the game, the losers physically remove the money from a player who earned it to win the game.

Object: Score the most points by rolling dice then lying! Hilarious fun for the whole spontaneous mob!

Disclaimer: Disgusting video insulting the prophet not included.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Ace is on the mound tonight up two to zip.

To those who are worried that tonight's debate obamanator moderator, Candy Crowley, will follow through with her threat to reinterpret audience members' questions - there is a solution.

Shock collar.

Now, assuming one big enough to go around her neck can be found quickly enough, a shock collar just might provide the right amount of negative reinforcement to Candy so she does not feel compelled to become part of the story.

‘Hey, wait a second, what about X, Y, Z?'


Monday, October 15, 2012

Springsteen Stumps for Obama

Great news. Springsteen to Campaign For Obama in Ohio. Think what you will of Springsteen, but certainly he is entitled to his opinion - especially when he sings them. What better musical match for the nonsensical democrat platform than the gravelly-voiced Boss of unintelligible and mumbled lyrics. I used to listen to his music 30 years ago in my youth when I never gave politics more than a passing glance. I liked his music then, even though I had no idea what he was singing about. That pretty much sums up Obama's supporters.

SPRINGSTEEN STUMP SPEECH: It's all cold down along the beach, the wind's whipping down the boardwalk... Hey band! (Yeah? Hey, babe!) You guys know what time of year it is? (Yeah!) What time, huh? What? (Election time!) What? (Election time!) Oh, Election time! You guys all, you guys all been good and practicing real hard? Yeah? Clarence, you been, you been rehearsing real hard now, so Obama'll bring you a new Obamaphone, right? Everybody out there been good, or what? Oh, that's not many, not many, you guys are in trouble out here!

Fast forward. If Obama is re-elected, and a few years later when I'm warming my hands at a campfire with Ted Nugent while the venison cooks on the skewers - our survival clan might look down from our temporary hilltop campsite upon the burned out shell of a once-great American city as it smolders in ruin. Uncle Teddly pulls out  his acoustic guitar, electricity a distant memory, and begins to play Free For All.

Here we go, look out below I'm on the prowl tonight - When it's said and done I have my fun I can chew anything I bite - Come one, come all to a midnight ball The invitation's there - I come alone and I'm drivin' home I'm healthy, I do declare It's a free-for-all.

I hope those Obama voter zombies stumbling around with their useless dried up obamaphones on the dark streets below get enough to eat tonight.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Obama's grueling Debate Boot Camp

Obama is currently engaged in a Three-Day Debate Boot Camp in Williamsburg, Virginia, where he will be hunkered down preparing for his debate Tuesday with Gov. Mitt Romney.

What exactly is a Debate Boot Camp, and can Obama complete one pushup without cheating?

When I think of boot camps, I think of my favorite move drill sergeants. R Lee Ermey as Sgt Hartman in Full Metal Jacket, Warren Oates as Sgt. Hulka in Stripes and Louis Gosset Jr. as Sgt. Emil Foley in Officer and a Gentleman.

So is this what some of the behind-the-scenes looks like for Obama at his boot camp?

Empty Suit Jacket

SGT. HARTMAN: "Only Wildebeests and dog eaters come from Kenya private community organizer, and you don't much look like a Wildebeests to me so that kinda narrows it down."

Benghazi Bloody Stripes

SGT. HULKA: "Welcome to Debate Boot Camp. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mama (and the state-controlled press corp) is not here to take care of you now. In today's exercise, we're going to be talking about something important, like discipline and duty and honor and courage. And you ain't got none of it"

An Officer and a Socialist

SGT. FOLLEY: "Candidate Barryo's strutting in the dirt; Look at his face, he's starting to hurt; Here he is, thinking he's a great big star; But before too long he's gonna D.O.R.; Seen guys like you a hundred times; I'm telling you, Barryo, I'm one of a kind; Gonna give you more than you can take; I'm gonna watch you crumble and watch you break!"

OBAMA: "Don't you do it! Don't! You... I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to g... I got nothin' else"

Apparently, Obama's actual debate prep isn't so grueling.

From the Political Commentator, Barack Obama: Pictures from Debate Camp!

"Debate Camp" is being held at a luxury golf resort in Williamsburg, Virginia by the name Kingsmill.

Golf resort debate prep? No wonder Obama kept his head down for most of the entire first debate. He must have confused the debate coach advice with his personal golf coach who told him: "Keeping your head down is the first step towards guaranteeing a low score".

Obama also found golfing more difficult when he used his arrogant "scanning of the horizon with his nose and chin in the air" during his golf swing.

What's confusing is that some advice Obama receives from his debate coach and golf coach are virtually identical. For example, see if you can spot which coach this advice came from...

Learn to be indifferent about results. No matter what the results from (shot to shot/jobs and ambassador killing agenda), stick with the (swing thought/class warefare thought) that you know works. You have to be indifferent about shot results to think and play consistently.

Let your right hand go along for the ride. Take a relaxed grip... keep your right hand passive and let it just go along for the ride.

Use your wedge for virtually every chip, regardless of its length or the quality of the lie. Once you get to know the club's idiosyncrasies, you can learn to play all kinds of chips by adjusting your position, choking up or down, and opening or closing the face. Remember, your sand wedge is the most versatile weapon in your bag.

Let your lie tell you what to do. Pay more attention to your lie on short-game shots. Beautiful shots around the greens are usually due to the player having a decent lie (and a complicit media). If you have a poor lie (poor record), focus on hitting the ball hard enough (deflect and detract by attacking opponent) to carry whatever's in front of you and get it on the green.

So in conclusion, Obama is preparing for his upcoming debate on Tuesday with marathon tax-payer funded golf lessons, followed by sessions in the Hyperbaric Chamber.

Friday, October 12, 2012

There are 800 Million Billion reasons to read this blog

"Inappropriate laughing" - "Rude interruptions and outbursts" - "Smug and disrespectful" - "Arrogant buffoon" - "Drunk uncle"

Actual eyewitness account:
"There was always something off about him. He repeated himself multiple times about subjects with no relevance. There were several times when it was obvious he was trying to remember a memorized statistic. He'd get this wide-eyed look of panic and would start stuttering."

Do you really think Joe Biden did THAT poorly in the VP debate?

Wha...? Biden? No. I'll give you my debate review in a moment. The above references are in regards to that Michigan State University professor of mathematics of 28 years who had an in-class nervous breakdown that resulted in him "dropping trow" and running naked through the hallway earlier this month.

I was in Calc 1 at Michigan State University, and my teacher was always pretty eccentric, but today he went overboard. Half way through class he started screaming at us, swearing left and right. He then started slamming his hands on the window and pressing his face against it, still screaming. Eventually he walked out and down the hallway to the end, all while screaming. He then came back into the classroom and took off his clothes, except for his socks. You know someones crazy when they leave their socks on lmao. At this point everyone in class ran out. We were literally scared for his life. The police took about 15 minutes to get here, and during this time he continued walking around screaming. He went between apologizing, yelling at us for sucking at math, and just plain gibberish.He was just teaching and then started talking, then crying, then angry and screaming and shit.

It has been reported that the professor has been hospitalized and is resting comfortably. 

Now as for the VP debate... It was obvious the obama campaign was upset about Romney rolling the president last week, with Barack coming off as a petulant child, and the strategy was for Joe to turn the tables by treating Ryan like a child. It backfired.  I really was expecting Joe to drop trow and I thought he would end up hospital roomies with the math professor by the end of the night.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Obama's magic electric pen of comfort

Mother of Slain State Dept. Official Tired of Being Lied To and Stonewalled by Obama Administration

SMITH: Obama told me. Hillary promised me... They promised me. I told them, "Please, tell me what happened, just tell me what happened... I told them, "Please, don't give me any baloney that comes through with this political stuff." And I still don't know. In fact, today I just heard something more that he died of smoke inhalation... I look at TV and I see bloody handprints on walls thinking, my God, is that my son's? They haven't told me anything. They're still studying it, and the things that they are telling me are just outright lies. That Susan Rice, she talked to me personally, and she said, "This is the way it was, it was because of this film that came out... Leon Panetta actually took my face in his hands like this and he said, trust me. I will tell you what happened. And so far, he's told me nothing. Nothing at all. And I want to know... I cried on Obama's shoulder, and then he kind of looked off into the distance, so that was worthless to me. I want to know, for God's sakes, or for Allah's sake or whoever's sake is there."

OBAMA: Uhhhh... Hey Leon! Do we still have any more of those identical condolence form letters
 I personally had handlers send to those bereaved family members of the 30 US service members killed in that helicopter crash in Pockystan... errr.. Afghanistam... or whateverstan that showed the depths of my sorrow and compassion? Break out the robo signing electric pen and let me give this lady some comfort, Obama style!...
Uhhhh... You did get someone from I.T. to fix thaaat robo signer after it jammed last week while signing my heart-felt 20th Anniversary card for Michelle, didn't ya? Fantastic!

Exclusive! Paul Ryan prepared for Joe Biden by verbal sparring with a talking puppet not named Big Bird!

Much has been reported on how the "inexperienced" 42-year-old Paul Ryan has been preparing to take on the skilled and battle-hardened debater, Joe Biden, in tonight's one and only 2012 Vice Presidential debate.

Ryan has spent time working on trying to keep Biden from cutting him off. Former Solicitor General Ted Olson has played the part of Joe Biden in the early mock practice debates, "cutting him off, talking over him or throwing a wrench into his rehearsed answers".

SPOKESMAN: While Ted did a great job, we decided we needed a better representation of Joe Biden, and what better facsimile of the flesh and boneheaded version than Disney's Pixar Toy Story 3 Playtime Sheriff Talking Woody!

We surprised Ryan one day by swapping out Ted with Woody and started Paul going on his talking points and then we would just randomly pull Woody's string to disorient and interrupt Paul. The resemblance to Joe was uncanny!

There were the standard Woody favorites...
"Howdy Partner","Yeehaa! Cowboy", "There's a snake in my boot!", "Reach for the sky!"

and some new curve cannon balls...
"Stand up Chuck!", "They gonna put y'all back in chains!", "The middle class has been crushed these last four years!"

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Dear Rachel Maddow, from this Flint resident and with all due respect, "I hope you dance."

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not responsible for pupal and retina detachments or other injuries (accidental or self-inflicted) involving the orbital socket region of the whole eye area as a result from watching the following video (in parts or it's entirety) that contains footage of Rachel Maddow in her natural environment (no, not THERE!). The blogmaster had special glasses (usually reserved for solar eclipses) and was able to break it down for you if you just scroll on past. You've been warned. 
Visit for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

OK, roll tape...

0:15 - Kid Rock introduces Paul Ryan at a local Michigan rally.
0:20 - They "hug it out... oh yah!"
0:25 - Rachel throws a dig at Mitt for not visiting the Mitten state since August.

0:55 - Maddow mentions Ryan's "low point" in his latest visit to Michigan as the interview with the "award-winning" local reporter from Flint, Michigan.

Stop the blog! As many of you already know, I am from Flint - A native Flintoid, born and raised, and except for the summer of 2010 working at the Press in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, I have lived all of my 50ish years in Flint. You may also already know that I spent 31 years in the newspaper business, most at the Flint Journal when it still printed a dead tree version every day. So let me just say this...

Miss Maddow. I've worked with many award-winning reporters. Many award-winning reporters were friends of mine. Miss Maddow, Terry Camp is no award-winning reporter."

OK, maybe he is. They tend to give themselves those awards and just pass them around to each other. I just thought it was humorous of Maddow to go out of her way to praise this guy. It doesn't change the fact that I've never heard of him before this story, and I work in Flint and am a voracious daily consumer of news. I just don't waste time watching local slanted broadcasts. 

Back to the action...

1:00 - She then plays the clip that was the subject of my satirical blog yesterday - and the one I shamelessly self-link back to again here, and highly recommend you read it (if you haven't already) because I have an innate pressing need for acceptance and a desire to be blog loved. There. I said it.

Maddow spends the rest of the clip trying to defend the obnoxious reporter's actions. She starts by rightly pointing out that Flint is the most violent city in America, so in Maddow's world, Camp's line of questioning is understandable. We Flint folks know full well that tax cuts are the reason for our economic depression and violent city. It has nothing to do with unending Democrat political control and the destruction wrought by the UAW and other destructive unions here.

4:15 - Maddow plays the race card here. Took her long enough.

"If I were the Romney/Ryan campaign, I too would try to trash the reporter who got my candidate to admit on camera that he thinks inner city poor people need to be taught good character and that's what will get them out of policy."
Nice try Maddow, trying to tie Ryan's comments to all inner city folk when clearly they were talking specifically about the evil doers.

By the way, Miss Maddow, just to give you some FLINT perspective, there was a story here this week about a dude who was shot in the face while dancing at an after-hours club on Sunday. The good news is that he is in fair condition. The bad news is HE WAS SHOT WHILE DANCING. Ho hum. That's how we do in Flint yo.

Uhhh, I'd say there is a character problem with the shooter, regardless (or "irregardless" for you Burton folks) of  his skin color. Listen to Ryan's answer again you twit. He is dead on the money. The democrat union-fueled machine here has ripped the traditional American family apart. Dance floor shootings soon follow.

The left's answer has always been to try to grab the guns instead of fixing the problem they don't even recognize. That's what Fast and Furious was intended to do. Yet Maddow (and I paraphrase here) suggests that Obama somehow has fully embraced the second amendment and that he is a gun rights lover. 

So in conclusion, I... must... tear at... my eye sockets... THEY BURN!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

New from Chattering Teeth Media Products, the Liberal Spin Doctor!

Fellow mainstream media comrades, don't go into an interview with a Republican opponent again (or a presidential debate) without being armed with this bad boy. The Liberal Spin Doctor (LSD) is a cardboard wheel chart that fits in the palm of your hands and goes where your teleprompter can not! LSD is an interview aid for the intellectually challenged leftwing reporter.

"Hey announcer guy, what's a wheel chart? Some new iPhone App?"

No little occupy Johnny, not an iPhone thingy. The Liberal Spin Doctor consists of two layers of round cardboard "wheels" mounted together with a grommet through their centers, allowing them to spin independently. The front wheel has a window cut out to expose random snappy comebacks!

"Hey announcer guy, what the !%$# is a grommet? Some kinda gremlin you see when on LSD?"

No silly! Try to focus. Is the interview not going the way you want it to, with no "Gotchas"? Is the Republican interviewee giving you an impassioned and reasoned answer using those pesky fact thingys? Not getting a chance to get your talking points in?

"Well mister announcer guy, If I want to end my interview by trying to embarrass the Republican, how can I do that?"

Just give the wheel a spin! Let's watch it in action. It's obvious this reporter is using LSD!

If the Republican talks about energy independance, move the selector wheel to "GREEN"!

"And you can do all that... **SPIN** with dirty air and dirty water?"

It's all becoming clear to you now, ain't'it? Remember during a Republican candidate debate when moderator George Stephanopoulos bizarrely accused Romney of wanting to ban contraception?

Now you know. George was on LSD.

Don't be the only leftwing state-owned media "reporter" not using LSD! Get yours today!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Will Friday's shocking Golf Report showing drop in National Handicap help Obama get re-elected?

The PGA reported a sudden drop in the average U.S. golf handicap rate from 8.1 strokes to 7.8 strokes per round, one month before Election Day.

Obama is single handedly taking credit for this drastic golf improvement, as he has personally accounted for well over 5 trillion rounds of golf since taking office. With that much golf you're bound to see some improvement.

OBAMA: Hold hold, hold on, hold on now! Everybody knows that you never state handicaps with the distracting decimal and numbers after the decimal, and that you always round down. Let's just call the national golf average an even "7", whaddya say? So in conclusion, let me just state thaaaat I am happy for my part in getting Americans golfing again.

General Electric CEO Jack Welch, a Republican, tweeted his skepticism: The Obama administration would do anything to ensure a November victory, including manipulating golf data.

Critics point out that if you count all of the unemployed and under employed Amrericans who no longer can afford to golf because of Obama's policies, the national golf handicap rate would be well over 16.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Snoop Dogg's latest Tweet, as translated by my Interpretor

American rapper Snoop Dogg has tweeted a Top Ten list of reasons "Why I'm not voting for Romney" and "Why I'm voting for Obama."

I confess at first blush I didn't understand the political arguments Mr. Dogg was making due to an apparent language barrier. I had to run it through my Chatterbox Transistor Interpretor, which is a Pimp/rap to English language translator I designed in my workshop.

Here is what Snoop's instagram was really saying:

Snoop Dogg will not cast his vote for Mitt Romney because of his fair-skinned complexion due to the presence of the pigment haemoglobin, an iron-based oxygen-carrying molecule in his red blood cells.

Snoop Doggy Dogg plans to vote for Mr. Obama because his dark skin contains eumelanin, a form of melanin pigment located in the epidermis of the skin that Mitt's skin does not. Obama's dark skin offers better protection from intense ultraviolet light.

Dear Mister Dogg, You make a very compelling case sir! I must take and process this new information on skin pigmentation before I hastily make a rash decision to vote for Mr. Romney due to his overwhelming superiority over Obama in core values and morals, vision, competency and experience.

Now if only I could get my Chatterbox to figure out Snoop's philosophy and scholarly worldview in this "masterpiece". Sorry, yo gonna be humming this all day now.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Catholics Versus Convicts 2012

I didn't think Ryan debated Biden until Thursday?

Go Irish! Make it 5-0!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Was "High Altitude" or "Low Attitude" to blame for Obama's suffocating debate performance?

Al Gore blamed Obama's disoriented debate flop on Denver's mile high altitude.

"Obama arrived in Denver at 2 p.m. today - just a few hours before the debate started. Romney did his debate prep in Denver. When you go to 5,000 feet and you only have a few hours to adjust -- I don't know." Algore

CHATTERING TEETH EXCLUSIVE: Shortly after his miserable debate performance, anonymous sources say that President Obama received emergency hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT) backstage in the traveling First Hyperbaric Chamber.

According to the chief HBOT technician, Obama was delirious. "He wasn't making any sense! He was saying things like, 'Where's yo dollah!?', and something about 'the bullet not being taken out'. When he started to give special shouts out to reverend Wright, we knew we didn't have much time, and we just barely got him into the First Hyperbaric Chamber.  He was still talking gibberish, saying something about 'obamaphones' and talking about himself in the third person. The last thing I heard him say as I closed the chamber door was, 'Keep Obama in president, you know?'"

HBOT treatment involves the breathing of pure oxygen while in a sealed chamber that has been pressurized at up to 3 times normal atmospheric pressure, speeding up the healing process by delivering oxygen to injured areas.

President Obama was visibly feeling better Thursday morning after having spent the night of his 20th anniversary  in the chamber by himself.

"Some of you may have noticed thaaaat I was a bit distracted during the debate. I was, but it didn't have anything to do with some 'super top secret security threat' or something. I always ignore those warnings as just noise. No, I was worried because I knew Michelle was feeling amorous - like she does every year on our anniversary. I kept thinking about this cartoon for some reason. "

"Too bad Michelle's backside wouldn't fit through the chamber door!," said Obama, wearing a knowing smirk.

Meanwhile, the Obama campaign is scrambling to prepare for next week's Vice Presidential debate scheduled for Thursday, October 11, at Centre College in Danville, Kentucky.

JAY CARNEY: "We're worried the Romney campaign will be up to the same dirty tricks with Ryan using those "fact thingys" against Joe. President Obama had to perform in the thin Denver air at 5,183 ft above sea level. Joe will be in Danville, Kentucky, with an elevation of 920 feet. You would think that elevation would therefore be less of a concern, but this is Joe Biden we are talking about. Just being in the same state as the western edge of the Appalachians Mountains concerns us."

White House engineers have begun construction of a portable Hyperbaric Chamber they plan to use in next week's debate. Joe Biden will actually do the debate from this chamber. Not only will this keep Joe's blood oxygen rich, but it gives the campaign the extra benefit of having the ability to shut down the internal microphone at each gaffe.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Post Debate Headline: Sinful Caesar sipped his snifter, seized his knees, and sneezed

When the likes of Michael Moore and Chris Matthews acknowledge the president was on the receiving end of a good ol' fashioned ass whooping, you KNOW it must have been bad.

One of the better highlights was Governor Romney's response to obama continually going back to his prepared and barely memorized talking points misrepresenting Governor Romney's economic plan.

ROMNEY: “Look, I have five boys, I’m used to people saying something that isn’t always true and keep on saying it hoping ultimately I will believe it.”

...Now come here son and take your medicine.

We interupt this blog to answer the telephone in the Situation Room of the palatial Chattering Teeth Blog Studios.


CT: Hello.

BILL CLINTON: CT, I want you to listen to me now ... no President ... no President ... not me ... not any of my predecessors ... no one ... could have fully excused all the damage he had caused over the previous four years ... in just one 90 minute debate. That's all I have. Gotta run!


CT: Well that's a good point made by former president Clinton and maybe everyone is being a little to hard on Obama. Maybe he should be given credit for keeping a promise for once and not delivering any zingers, just as he said he wouldn't.


My goodness, there's the phone again boys and girls!

CT: Hello?

BIG BIRD: (singing) Sunny day, sweepin'the clouds awaaay... On my way to where the air is sweeeet!

CT: What's up Bird?

BIG BIRD: Can you help me move my shit, move my shit to 123 Solyndra Streeeet!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Obamaphone Lady replaces Jim Lehrer as moderator for Presidential Debate

By now you've all seen the recently released video with the divisive, outrageous and race-baiting rhetoric made with an accent that is a cross between a faux minstrelesque and a post-modern ebonics ghetto. No, I don't mean Samuel L. Jackson's latest classy "Wake the F' Up" Obama commercial. Nor am I talking about the Obamaphone lady from Cleveland who wants to "Keep Obama in president, you know... (because) Romney, he sucks! Bad!" I'm referring to The Daily Caller video from 2007 of Obama doing his best Kanye West immitation. 

"What's happening down in New Orleans? Where's your dollar? Where's your Stafford Act money?" Makes no sense. Tells me the bullet hasn't been taken out. Tells me that somehow the people down in New Orleans they don't care about as much."  - Barack Hussein Obama

By the way, I found it odd that the above quote wasn't the easiest to find in it's entirety this morning. The quote was all over, but most of them had an ellipsis replacing "Tells me the bullet hasn't been taken out" portion. I have no idea what Obama meant by that line, nor what it means that news orgs are deleting that reference. Any ideas?

"I do!"

Chattering Teeth: Mrs. Clinton!? Everybody, please give a warm welcome to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to the Chattering Teeth Blog Studios. This is quite a surprise. So what's with taking out the bullet thingy from Obama's hate speech?

HILLARY: He didn't say "bullet", he clearly said "bullshit"... as in, "Tells me the bullshit hasn't been taken out". I believe he was complaining about Fox News still being on the air.

CT: With all due respect Mrs. Clinton, that's just plain silly. What about your thoughts on the video?

HILLARY: I think the video is disgusting and reprehensible. Let me be clear, the U.S. government had absolutely nothing to do with this video and absolutely rejects it content and message. Of course, we have a long tradition of free expression and we do not stop individual citizens from expressing their views, no matter how distasteful they may be.

CT: Wow. Pretty harsh criticism of the president and your boss, don'tcha think?

HILLARY: Wha? No! I ain't no ways tarrrred! I was talking about GEICO's latest "Two Tickets to Paradise" Commercial featuring Eddie Money.

HILLARY: As for the other, it's just a cynical attempt to actually vet our leader - and there is no justification, none at all, for The Daily Caller being allowed to release this unflattering video.


CT: Excuse me Hillary, but I need to get this. Hello, Chattering Teeth Blog Studios, CT speaking.

OBAMA: The future must not belong to those who slander me, your prophet... errr... I mean your president. I know there are some who ask why we don’t just ban such a video. Some say the answer is enshrined in our Constitution, which unfortunately protects the right to practice free speech. At least for now. Here in 2012, at a time when anyone with a cell phone can spread offensive views about me around the world with the click of a button, the notion that I can control the flow of information is obsolete. Of course, I've dedicated a few $Trillion to search for a way.

Meanwhile, in a totally unrelated story, Daily Caller Editor-in-Chief Tucker Carlson was arrested this morning - roughed, cuffed and perp-walked to an undisclosed location on suspicion of... uhhhh... jaywalking or something.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Democrat Campaign Debate preview: "No zingers, just eye candy"

Obama: "There is no question... thaaaaat my opponent is a skilled debater... aaaaand I don't want my supporters to put to much stock in the outcome. I’m just supposed to be eye candy here for you guys."

NO ZINGERS!? Why else would I watch the debate? That would be like Apollo Creed promising not to swing back at Rocky Balboa. Defend yourself if you can mister president! You have the ref and the state-controlled boxing "announcers" in your pocket. My goodness, they don't even have to be good zingers! You have a built-in laugh track. Try it sir.

I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message. Mitt, enough about my birth certificate, yours is an apology from the condom factory. Ba dum dum.


Inspired, Obama pushes his luck...

Mitt, you so rich, you actually PAID all the income taxes you were legally obligated to pay, THEN on top of that gave 30% to charity!


"If you're expecting that, that's probably not what he's going to deliver," campaign spokeswoman Jen Psaki told reporters on Air Force One... He wants to speak directly to the people on their couches at home.

People on their couches... AH! THAT'S why he appeared on The View on the heels of a deadly terrorist attack. It was "People on their couches - eye candy - debate prep". I'm sure he received some useful foreign policy advice from the likes of Whoopie, Behar and company. 

In conclusion, this debate is Romney's for the taking. He has a record of achievement and the facts on his side, while Obama has a disasterous and indefensible record. The media pundants in his pocket will deny this, and poll after skewed poll will show Obama ahead. Not to worry, because it will be a landslide Romney win. People with Obama phones, your minutes are almost up!