Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Man-made Global Summer Solstice

Today is the summer solstice, the unofficial first day of summer and the longest day of the year. I don't know about you, but I plan on spending my extra sunlight researching ways to combat this celestial annual scourge, and how to punish and ostracize the Man-made Global Summer Solstice deniers.

"DaBlade, what is this summer soul sista of which you speak, and what does 'Itchi gitchi ya ya da da' even mean?"
Not 'soul sista', you marmalade maroon. Solstice! And it is when the face of the Earth experiences maximum incline toward the sun. More sun might sound just peachy at first blush, but somewhere in the arctic (where the sun will not set at all) sits a lone polar bear on a melting iceberg - AND HE FEELS DIFFERENTLY, I assure you!

You see, Rusty, Earth tilts on it's axis while orbiting around the sun like an Irishman teetering home after a long night of too many pints at the pub.

"Go home, Earth. You're drunk."

The Earth is drunk, indeed. The deniers would have you believe the Earth's wobble was caused by our planet colliding with some other massive object billions of years ago, back when it was still being formed. Now THAT is FAR-FETCHED! The Earth started wobbling in 2008 with election of Barack Obama.

Insisting that man is not the cause of the Earth tilting is like stating that man isn't in charge of the weather or of the climate. PREPOSTEROUS! like somehow the climate has magically always changed.

"So how, then, does man cause this wobble?"


It is caused by fossil fuels.

Specifically, the wobble is caused by irregular placements of crude oil, coal and natural gas in the ground. The only solution to stop this tilt is by evening out the Earth's weight.

"Redistribution of fossil fuel wealth?"

Exactly! By the redistribution of fossil fuels through capitalist incentives involving drilling, fracking, mining, etc., to refining facilities and then distributed to homes and cars and cities, we can even out the planet's weight and STOP THE TILT!

I have also noticed a side-effect of the tilt, coupled with the centrifugal force of the Earth's rotation. These unnatural forces have inordinately displaced democrats and liberals of every ilk to both coasts. I theorize this to be due to a liberal's weightless environment that is their vacuous and foundation less intellect. They are as powerless as helium balloons in a windstorm against these forces.

Therefore, I propose relocating all liberals to the absolute geographic center of the contiguous United States, which apparently is some corn field in northern Kansas. Only then can we protect them by enclosing them in the safety of a large circular wall until we can stop the Earth from tilting and spinning.

Once the Earth is cured of this vertigo-inducing tilt and is sufficiently tidal locked, we can relocate the liberals to the perpetual dark side of the planet. Maybe THEN the state of Michigan will not have to pay for this extra sunshine with 9 months of steel gray overcast skies.

But until then, you can find me reading my Kindle in my pool while floating on a raft constructed of foam noodles.

"Hey sista, go sista, summer soul sista, go sista!"
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Happy Father's Day

Feeling nostalgic and missing my dad. Was going through old photos on the computer this morning and not intending to post anything, but ran across the following and it's too good not to share. I only wish it included my big sister (2nd in the birth order) and mom.

(See if you can spot your blog host in his 'yute'... 1967-ish?)
 Clue: Think "Lloyd Christmas" in Dumb and Dumber. Go ahead. Take your shots people :)

Lost my dad in early 1990, shortly after losing my baby brother sporting the PEANUTS sweatshirt. Miss them both but hope to see them again.

Need to get ready for noon Mass. My 2-month-old baby granddaughter is getting baptized today!! God is good!... ALL THE TIME.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Polluted Water Popsicles


100 popsicles made with trash- and sewage-filled water
The Polluted Water Popsicles project is meant to shock viewers into realizing how serious water contamination is in Taiwan.

Three university students in Taiwan have come up with an unusual way to draw attention to the huge problem of water pollution. As part of the Polluted Water Popsicles Project, the students traveled to 100 different locations throughout the country to collect water samples and turn them into frozen popsicles. These popsicles were then copied into 1:1 transparent poly resin models (non-melting!), packaged in beautiful wrappers, and labeled with their origin.
My initial reaction when I looked at this photo was, "YUM!". Then I read the article, and my second reaction was, ""Awww shoo... Imma get me a carton, yo!". But then again, I'm from Flint, and honestly, those Taiwan-sicles look DELISH, umkay!!!?

Speaking of poopsicles: More charges expected in Flint water crisis probe


Dear Chattering Teeth reader(s),
If you(s) don't hear from me for a while, it iz likely because I was charged, probed and incinerated incarcerated for colluding with lead in my water. As drinkeder of Flint water for half a century, I feelz no ill effects (according to my contemporaneous notes I took after every gulp). Still, I have to recuse myself from this latest probe. Loretta Lynch met me on the tarmac at Bishop airport and said that - until all Democrats are cleared - pleez call it a "Flint water MATTER".

In the meantime, I have the Flint River-sicles all poored into the molds and sitting in my freezer for future commerce and windfall of wealth. Next time you see me, I will likely be wearing a bejeweled cape and sporting a fedora with a large pigeon feather and leaving a trail of dollar bills falling from my trench like leaves in autumn...

btw... overnight and still sludge... WHY WON'T THIS SH*& FREEZE!? 
Sersinly,
DaBlade

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Chattering Teeth Blog Nominated for Paul Revere Award

What!? This blog has been nominated for the Paul Revere Award this year. Per the sponsoring blog Political Clown Parade, "The Paul Revere Award is dedicated to those bloggers who hold down jobs and raise their families while standing guard over liberty."

Poll Is Now Open: Begin Voting For The Fifth Annual Paul Revere Award
Thanks, guys, for including me on this prodigious list of blogiliciousness. It truly is an honor. I'd like to thank all of the bots for the fake hit count, and all the good folks who googled "why do my dog's teeth chatter" and regret clicking the link here. You ALL deserve to share in this award.

This nomination comes at a time when my blogging is becoming more sporadic and infrequent due to the busy schedule of late. This is only my fifth post so far this month, down from a 2017 high in January of 23 total posts. I am left to conclude that the rarer my posts become, the more the need for rewarding this lack of effort.

That being the case, please head on over to the Political Clown Parade and vote for Chattering Teeth blog. I have no chance of winning (based on the competition), but if my vote total reaches double digits, I vow to blog even more meagerly during the summer months.

You are allowed to vote only once, but for as many blogs as you wish, so vote for my friends who also were nominated. Z at GeeeZ, Kid at Diary of a Right Wing Pussycat, and Ypsi Ed at Not Of This World. The list is missing a few of my favorites, but I won't treat you any differently (even though I'm better than you).

Testimonials:
"When I'm on the can in the morning, I always steer my browser to the Chattering Teeth Blog to help me get things moving in the morning." - President Trump

NAVIN JOHNSON (Steve Martin): The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! I'm somebody now! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes somebody! Things are going to start happening to me now.



Voting will close at 11:30 PM ET on Saturday, June 17.



Please pick up any hanging chads on your way out.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Obstruction of Traffic

Sorry Ypsi Ed. Ya snooze, ya lose!
We are just a couple hours from the big show. Can't you just feel the Democrats wringing their collective hands in anticipation and hopes for gathering evidence for a Trump Impeachment?  I predict they will be sore losers.

I also predict that James Comey will frustrate and drag out the proceedings by insisting on taking  notes on each and every statement and question directed at him and posting in his over-sized scrap book before answering.

I also dreamt that Trump's twitter account was surreptitiously wired to a hidden shock collar on comey's "private server" (if you're picking up what I'm laying down). 

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Kathy Griffin Takes Responsibility For Iran Attack!

Chattering Teeth News - There was a suicide attack at an Iranian mausoleum, and the no-talent red-haired comedian Kathy Griffin has taken responsibility. Reports are sketchy (I only read the headlines), but by most accounts the shriveled corpse of Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini is still dead. The Chattering Teeth Bunker, Bar & Target Range will be handing out sweets to the children all day today while supplies last.

Hat tip to the Sunni jihadi who hated Shia Iran so much that he detonated his suicide belt at Khomeini’s tomb. That's some hate dedication! Reminds me of an oldie but goodie.

Q: Why do they put fences and armed guards around Iranian cemeteries?
A: Because suicide bombers are dying to get in.


Apparently, the suicide bomber also took out a security guard and a gardener who weren't yet dead. This could be devastating to the Iranian progress toward ability to check that the tomb doors are locked periodically, and for regular watering of the flowers to keep them from reverting back to sand boxes.

More, as the story develops...

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

London's Muslim Mayor Lowers Threat Level to "Lady Londonderry”



Today's Top Story around the water cooler at the Chattering Teeth Bunker, Bar, Spa & Target Range:
The London mayor, Sadiq Khan, (Peace be unto him) demands the British government issue a travel ban against Donald Trump for his mean tweets.

We may never know their motives.

First, I admit to not realizing London's “pathetic excuse” mayor was a muslim. What? Was he educated in his youth at an Indonesian Madrassa, I wonder?

I also had no idea the British threat Level scale used various British Teas to keep their unarmed citizenry sufficiently limp and languid. I had always assumed it was based on crumpets and scones, but no sense getting the works all stopped up.

 As the Moozlim London mayor, Sadiq Khan (Peace be unto him), says... “no reason to be alarmed!”

People of Britainistan,
We here at Chattering Teeth are with you, and we pray for the victims and their families at the hands of those Islamo-goat fu*&ers. It is your apologist government we have issue with. Unlike France AND french people, we like you, the British people. You gave us The Beatles... Monty Python and Bennie Hill... probably some other stuff too.  We're cousins, after all. We got yer back.
Sincerely,
DaBlade





now for our seeing-impaired readers.
British threat Level scale

English Evening
A flavorful blend, light and brightly colored evening tea


Earl Grey
Queen’s favorite - silvertip Ceylon & the oil of Bergamot

Scottish Breakfast
Malty taste with a full bodied character and hints of oak

Lady Londonderry
Good flowery, malty cup with hints of strawberry and lemon

Queen Elizabeth
Floral notes, lovely by itself or with added milk & sugar

Monday, May 29, 2017

North Korea Launches skinless Beef Hot Dog

CTN - North Korea launched a 14k-lb ballistic skinless beef hot dog today, believed to be a Nathan’s and Curtis BEEF MASTER Beef Frank that was recently recalled last week due to metal materials in the product. The hot dog scud appears to be propelled by a single liquid-fuel rocket engine burning French's yellow mustard. 

Defense Secretary James Mattis states that if these tainted dogs get into terrorist's hands, it would be catastrophic.

THE END

Now a pause to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in defense of this nation.  Friends, relatives, neighbors. Patriots, all.  The Chattering Teeth Bunker is filling later today for a Memorial Day picnic. My dual Weber grills will be fired up for freedom!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Love Roller Coaster Saturday, "Say What"?


I could have gone another half-century without exposing myself to this...
Man secretly proposes to boyfriend on Disneyland ride
May 26 (UPI) -- A Disneyland visitor used a hand-made sign to secretly propose behind his boyfriend's back whole they were riding Splash Mountain... "He had no idea I was proposing and I told him that we should make 'shocked' faces for the camera," he wrote.

"I quickly hid the sign away after the drop and when we exited the ride we walked to see our photo and he was shocked. I got down on one knee and asked him to spend the rest of his life with me. He said, 'yes,'" the redditor wrote.
Here is a photo of me in the next car...

This wasn't the only proposal at the park yesterday. It seems the former president finally popped the question to Seddique Mateen, The Orland gay club gunman's father who also happens to be a self-hating homosexual muslim. The Courtship of Omar's father


I've said it before, and I'll say it repeatedly... I'm not homophobic and I do believe that its none of my business what pedophiles do in the privacy of their own cell block. But...

Friday, May 26, 2017

Now Hawaiian judge orders Gianforte to Bake Cake

Chattering Teeth News - Obama's hack Hawaiian judge Watson who issued the temporary restraining order against Trump's travel ban from terrorist-infested countries, is back in the news again with another bizarre ruling.

Judge Watson has ordered Greg Gianforte, the newly elected Republican congressman from Montana, to bake a gay wedding cake for Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs. This, after Gianforte has been charged with assault for allegedly body-slamming the snowflake reporter and breaking his glasses (and possibly tearing his onesie).

"I didn't body-slam the guy," insisted Gianforte. "He barged in uninvited and stuck that microphone right in my face. I said, 'get that thing away from me,' but he just kept repeating, 'it's not touching you, it's not touching you,' so I brushed his hand away... I gave him the 'Melania' treatment. And then the li'l fella goes FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM!"

 Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs sips his latte during interview with CTN.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Alba The White Privileged Albino Orangutan Joins Summer Edgar Winter Tour

Chattering Teeth News - A rare albino orangutan named Alba has reportedly gained 10 pounds since having been rescued from a village in Indonesia. The name “Alba,” means “white” in Latin, and it is believed wildly speculated here that he was being held by a Black 'Tans Matter guerilla group.

Why the preferential treatment for this WHITE orang?

Orangutans are critically endangered in the wild, yet how many dark-skinned 'tans are rescued and nursed back to health in the wild? More over, have you ever heard of a white orangutan shot while in it's Cleveland Zoo enclosure - or is that treatment just reserved for the majority minority American-African primates?

CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, Mr Alba!

In other Wildlife news:

A Sea Lion has been awarded the Medal of Freedom for dragging Nancy Pelosi into the water from a Californian pier.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Trump Tips Saudi King To Carry His Luggage

[Trump palms off a $100 bill to Saudi Arabia's King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud at King Khalid International Airport in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia]

PRINCE: The King says You don't tip "The Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques"

TRUMP: Sure you do! I tip everybody. That's my philosophy. Actually, it's not tipping I believe in, it's overtipping.



Friday, May 19, 2017

Thailand’s “Uncle Fat” Macaque to Join Kid Rock Tour This Summer?


Thailand’s chunky monkey
BANGKOK — A morbidly obese wild monkey who gorged himself on junk food and soda left behind by tourists has been rescued and placed on a strict diet of lean protein, fruits and vegetables.

Wildlife officials caught the chunky monkey — nicknamed “Uncle Fat” by locals — after photos of the animal started circulating on social media last month...

“He had minions and other monkeys bringing food for him but he would also re-distribute it to younger monkeys,” 
said Supakarn Kaewchot, a veterinarian in charge of the monkey’s diet."

Uncle Fat would also "re-distribute" to the younger monkeys? With Hillary, Bernie and Pocahontas a little long in the tooth, it looks like the Democrats might have their new top of the ticket for a run in 2020. Just a simple matter of updating some records to reflect a Hawaiian birth certificate.

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE THINGY!!!

BANGKOK — A morbidly obese wild monkey who goes by the name “Uncle Fat” is said to rule the Bangkok suburbs with an iron fist and ample girth. He has minions and other monkeys 'taxing' and pillaging the countryside and bringing him all the junk food and pop they can carry. Uncle Fat throws a few crumbs to his young military guards while the rest of the subjects are dying from starvation.

Satellite imagery shows that Uncle Fat may be planning a surprise missile test and may be developing a nuclear program.

Stay tuned as this breaking news story unfolds.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Archaeologist Discovers Ancient Contemporaneous Hieroglyphs by James Comey's Ancestor!!

These tablets have been uncovered in the parking garage of one of Trump's casinos, and the special prosecutor has assigned a team of top-notch investigators to the site in hopes of uncovering additional evidence.

“Contemporaneous”
I love it when the media learns a new word in their morning 'marching orders'. Free Press, indeed.


Wednesday, May 17, 2017

LATEST SHOCKING COMEY MEMOS

QUICK RECAP FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.

1) Former FBI Director James Comey wrote a memo  stating President Trump had ordered him to drop the Flynn investigation when he stated, "I hope you can let this go".

2) In Trump's letter firing Comey, he states "I greatly appreciate you informing me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation..."

3) COMEY FIRES BACK with THIS memo stating, "Sorry I called you and lied to your face. I will never call you again, really sorry." From: Comey To: Trump

I know these technical and professionally written memos can be hard to read and understand by the average Washington Post readers (and 'reporters') - so let me break this down. Comey now says he lied to Trump about him not being investigated, PROVING that Trump has disclosed sources and secrets to Russian spies.

IN OTHER NEWS:
Some kid writes police apology for misusing 911...
Clearly, there is a forgery above and we can safely assume that Comey prank called "the cops" and tried to throw this little boy under the school bus. When will this madness end?

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Happy Mummies Day From Pyongyang

Kim Jong-Un plans to spend a quiet Mother's Day in his mansion retreat in the Kusong region, launching missiles, ordering family executions and torturing a few prisoners for amusement.

After that, brunch with mother.  
Ko Young-hee was the North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-il's consort and mother of Kim Jong-un. She died over a dozen years ago. Surveillance satellite imagery reveals there is just a pile of shoveled dirt beside an empty grave at the Taesŏngsan Revolutionary Martyrs' Cemetery. 

A boy's best friend is his mother.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Polk & Trump - My Mane Men

THIS DAY IN HISTORY -
President Polk declares war on Mexico
On May 13, 1846, the U.S. Congress overwhelmingly votes in favor of President James K. Polk’s request to declare war on Mexico in a dispute over Texas.

Mexico didn’t follow through with its own threat to declare war...


This, barely 10 years after the Republic of Texas declared independence from the Republic of Mexico in 1836, and less than 2 weeks after a joint resolution passed on March 1, 1845 with regards to the annexation of Texas (culminating on December 29 of that same year).

The 10-year delay was due to the threat of war with Mexico and upsetting the slave state/free state balance.

TRUMP: Polk was really angry what was happening in regard to Mexico and Texas. People don't realize, the Mexican War -- you think about it, why? People don't ask the question, but why was there a war with Mexico? He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Alamo, he said, 'There's no reason for this.' Polk said, 'build a big, beautiful wall and make Mexico pay for it.'

Friday, May 12, 2017

WeakyLeaks Dump - for you Pencil-Pushing Home Improvement do-it-yourselfers

In the last blog's comment section, we have been discussing a problem I ran into when replacing a garbage disposal. It was actually surprisingly easy to dissamble the plumbing and the old disposal (mine is on the right sink side). The new disposal went in with few issues.

Pro Tip: Don't try to use the Plumber's Putty you kept in your garage and is likely several years old and has long since dried out into a rock hard paper weight. Make a THIRD TRIP to your local Home Depot to get a cute l'il 9-ounce container for about $5 bucks. Yes, you will only need about ONE ounce of Plumber's Putty for this job and leaving 8 ounces - this time I was smart and used the extra to make a putty replica of Harambe the gorilla. Might as well be an amusing paper weight.

After this, I made the decision to replace the other sink's drain and strainer, as the entire thing was looking sketchy. This is where things went sideways.  The strainer locknut was/is frozen solid to the drain insert stem underneath.
From the Family Handyman...
Quick and easy fix for a leaky kitchen sink basket strainer. Replace the basket strainer yourself in just an hour and save the cost of a visit from the plumber.

After 'quickly and easily' hammering on the free-spinning locknut on the underside of your sink for over an hour, consider a bundle of TNT. TO BE CONTINUED...


Friday, April 28, 2017

Climate Change Coloring Book

Dear snowflakes, cupcakes and progressive twits,
We here at the spacious Chattering Teeth blog studios know just how scary the world is to you. From mean old Trump as president, to Ann Coulter threatening to visit Berkeley to ENGAGE IN SPEECH! But worst of all is Global Warming!!! *GASP*

What better way for an snowflake to relieve stress that an adult coloring book? (yoga pants and kale not included). Introducing:

The Climate Change Coloring Book
"This book is not political, but a celebration of information, learning, and research."

More like full blown propaganda, but at least its printed on 100% recycled paper and Vegetable-based, non-toxic ink.

This adult coloring book has given me an idea for my own capitalist money-making venture. No, not another coloring book. That market is a little thin for actual grown ups. I'm thinking more in line with pistol range paper targets, made from virgin Redwood tree flesh, and inked with polar bear blood. A pack of 20 targets would include bulls-eyes featuring caricatures of your favorite Climate Nazis like Bill DeNye and Algore, and various arctic creatures precariously perched on floating icebergs.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

With the 21st pick in the 2017 NFL draft, the Detroit Lions select...

In the "Too Soon" Department - Bad Taste Post #693

***cue squiggly lines and blog dream sequence***

Apr 27, 2017. NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, grasps both sides of the podium and says, "With the 21st pick in the 2017 NFL draft, the Detroit Lions select the corpse of Aaron Hernandez, tight end.

*gasps* *whispering* *looks of shock and stunned disbelief*

*silence*


Then somewhere towards the back of the seating... Waaaay to the back, a slow clap begins...
*clap...       clap         clap*

And like a thunderstorm cloud that suddenly opens a trap door and unleashes a torrent, the crowd joins in and goes wild with raucous applause and whistles, and even begins to break out"the wave"!      

Let's go to our panel for in depth coverage of this surprise pick by the Detroit Lions.

Chattering Teeth (CT): I love this pick.
Mustache Glasses (MG): I hate this pick.
Rubber Chicken (RC): *blank stare*

CT: Clearly, the Detroit Lions needed to upgrade their tight end position. Aaron Hernandez may not have the mobility he used to...
MG: Umm he's deceased.
CT: Even so, he must have better hands than Eric Ebron.
MG: What about the tight end's pass blocking responsibilities and protecting the quarterback?
RC: *blank stare*
CT: THAT IS BRILLIANT, RUBBER CHICKEN! At least Hernadez' corpse would provide a potential tripping hazard to rushing opponents. Again, an upgrade over Ebron.
MG: But what about the character issue? Aaron Hernandez was a convicted murdered, after all, before hanging himself in prison. Won't he just create a big stink in the locker room...

Shhh! Here's Roger again.

GOODELL: "With the 22nd pick in the 2017 NFL draft, the Detroit Lions have traded up with a pile of cash, the rest of their draft picks and any semblance of a future football team to select... 42 large industrial kegs of Febreze Extra Strength Odor Eliminator."
This might just work!

**ALARM CLOCK RATTLE***

Monday, April 24, 2017

Fonzie Revives Joanie

In the "Too Soon" Department - Bad Taste Post #692

Chattering Teeth News - According to the funeral home janitor named Potsie, a man entered the facility after hours wearing jeans and a white T-shirt under a leather jacket. He strutted up to Erin Moran's casket and uttering something like, "Ayyyyye..."

"He was crackling with power and outlined in a glowing light blue, like he was badly photo shopped by someone in a hurry to get to work," said Potsie. "He hits the side of the casket once with his fist, the lid pops open and out walks Joanie."

The only other information the janitor could provide was that she jumped on the back of the dudes motorcycle, and off they went. Later reports flooded the station that the two were spotted water skiing in the shark tank at the local zoo.

THE END

Happy Days ran from 1974, to 1984 (and syndication from then, on) - right in my wheel house. Loved that show. (Joanie Loves Chachi - not so much)

And now, Weezer performs at Arnold's. Got to see Weezer live about a decade ago as a chaperone for one of my boys and a car load of teenagers. Weezer opened for Foo Fighters. Weezer was fantastic. I couldn't stand the noise the other band was making, so I waited in the concourse while the headline played. The kids like it, though.


Saturday, April 22, 2017

Those Wacky Adventures of the Google Earth Day Fox

Google's Earth Day Doodle Sends an Urgent Message About Climate Change

In a series of illustrations, the Google doodle tells the story of a sleeping fox that has a nightmare about the consequences of climate change, featuring melted icebergs and dead plants. Disturbed, the fox enlists two friends to be more thoughtful about conservation—the trio eat vegetables, grow plants, ride bikes and use solar energy.

There. I fixed it...
Once upon a time, there was a Google Earth Day Fox. Like most young libtards, he was nocturnal - meaning he slept all day in his parent's tree stump instead of holding down a job, and was "active" at night (going clubbin' and carousin'). While he slept, he dreamed of Mother Earth in all her natural abundance.


BUT SUDDENLY... His dreams turned into a nightmare, as a penguin lost its balance on a melting iceberg or something... and the poor, ignorant Earth Day penguin plunged into the icy waters to certain death!... ?

The Google Earth Day Fox was STARTLED AWAKE with a crazed look in his eyes, with a certainty that the Earth was in it's final death throes due to EVIL CAPITALISM, and the only prescription was massive wealth redistribution or something. He knew this because men of unimpeachable scientific knowledge, like Bill Nye the science guy and Algore had said so! And Neil deGrasse Tyson is an actual astrofizz-a-thingy, so he prolly knows ALL about weather stuff and isn't just an educated idiot political hack!

Then the Google Earth Day Fox's parents became concerned with his nonsensical Earth Day drivel, and rushed him to the ER for treatment. What he really needed was a "liberal" dose of psychotropic and antipsychotic medications to help him cope with his irrational anxieties.

"Schizophrenia and mania are just 2 legs of the 3-legged liberal progressive climate change stool," said Mr. Fox to his frothing and indoctrinated son.

but then the Google Earth Day Fox chased an imaginary butterfly off the hospital roof.

THE END

Thursday, April 20, 2017

4/20 in the libtard's alternate utopia...

* Ex-Fox Factor Figure, Bill O'Reilly, hangs himself in lonely jail cell while former NFL player (and killer), Aaron Hernandez takes over as host.

* FaceSpace killer is a christian NRA member who targeted trannys and homos.

* In President Hellary's (sic) first 100 days, she has sent an armada of barges piled high with plastic toy reset buttons to the waters off North Korean (after that chubby Kimmy gal with the butch haircut nukes Seoul).

* Speaking of "Seoul" - Maxine Waters ("The Godmother of Soul") hears first case of oral arguments as the new Supreme Ct Justice, after knifing Merrick Garland in parking lot. She immediately belts out “Living In America” of Rocky IV fame, and calls for impeachment of Justice Clarence Thomas for putting a James Brown wig on her Coke.

In other news... [Finding Charles Rogers]
This man who was once the best player in college football. He was the No. 2 pick in the 2003 NFL Draft, signing a $39.5 million contract with the Detroit Lions - which included a guaranteed signing bonus of $14.4 million. He now "works" at an auto repair shop owned by a friend in Florida (although "admittedly, he doesn’t know much about cars...") He is considered one of the biggest busts in NFL history... He still smokes marijuana every day.

 Happy 420!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Those Yachting Obamas

Barack directs Michelle to back it up on deck of music mogul's luxury liner.

Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Robert Wagner's good friend, Christopher Walken to the blog...

"Mooshell on a barge? Definitely gonna need more cow bell."


BREAKING CHATTERING TEETH NEWS!!!

North Korea spooked by reports that David Geffen’s luxury yacht, the Rising Sun, is en route off their shores and carrying the Obamas, Oprah Winfrey, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. The yacht can accommodate 18 guests and a staff of 55 people and has a basketball court - but Dennis Rodman is not reported to be with them. If this collection of kooks were headed my way, I would consider it an act of war. By the way, is it really a good idea to be traveling with Tom Hanks?

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Tax Day Distraction #3,019

Now on woot!: Ultimate Fidget Block $16.99
(a tax day distraction?)

The Ultimate Tool to help you focus: Fidget, focus, and free yourself with the Fidget Block. Reduce Stress: Use the 12-sided fidget block to help reduce stress and anxiety. Fidgeting is said to be beneficial for kids with ADHD (or tax payers on tax day) as well as to help people be more productive and creative. The Fidget Block can be used anywhere, use it on the job (sure, THAT will work out great), in school, or at home. Better Than the Cube (don't kill the messenger:) : More features than a standard fidget cube. Our fidget toy has 12 sides guaranteed to keep your hand busy. Whether you're a clicker, a flicker, a roller or a spinner there’s something for everyone!
Disclaimer: Difficult to use while restrained in a straight jacket.

Or spend your $16.99 on something a little more practical...
 

Monday, April 17, 2017

VP Warns NK at DMZ (and other threatening acronyms)

Vice President Pence warns his travel agent, Sean Spicer, that his “era of strategic patience is over.” Spicer was supposed to facilitate the VP's travel to the DMZ - the Demilitarized Zone on the Korean peninsula that splits North Korea from South Korea in order to show U.S. support for South Korea and to send a message to the regime to the north.

He eventually got to the Korean DMZ, but not before Spicer mistakenly chauffeured Pence to the TMZ office in Los Angeles (where the administration has learned that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are moving on), then to the Department of Motor Vehicles in LA (where Spicer renewed his moped registration).
I have always been fascinated by the DMZ (and also fascinated by Sean Spicer's ability to feed and clothe himself). These NK soldiers are always peeking in the windows at the border shack.  They should just have someone there constantly eating a cheeseburger just to taunt them.

Could we do something similar here? Isolate the clown liberals on one side of a border? How long before they wouldn't have electricity or indoor plumbing?


Saturday, April 15, 2017

T'was the night before Easter, and all thru Quint's Houseboat...

Didn’t see the first bunny until I was five – a tiger – thirteen footer. You know how you know that when the bunny is in your house, Chief? You lay in bed and look toward your darkened closet and see the shadow of floppy ears and the cotton tail. What my brothers and I didn’t know was our Easter mission to stay awake had been so secret, no distress signal to mom or dad had been sent. They didn’t even list us overdue 'til mornin'. Very first light, Chief, bunny come cruisin’. So we formed ourselves into tight groups…the idea was, the bunny comes to the nearest boy and he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’. Sometimes the bunny go away. Sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometimes that bunny, he looks right into ya, right into your eyes. Y’know, the thing about a bunny, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes after ya, he doesn’t seem to be livin’ until he takes your colored eggs, and those black eyes roll over white, and then – aww, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin’, the bedsheet turns wet and yellow, and in spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, he come in hippity hoppity and rip ya carrot snacks to pieces…in that first dawn, we lost a dozen eggs. I don’t know how many carrots, maybe a thousand. I don’t know how many eggs. he averaged six an hour… 8am Easter morning, mom called us. She put the coffee on and called us…and when we didn't answer, we heard her coming down the hallway from the kitchen to pick us up. You know, that was the time I was most frightened – waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never wear bunny pajamas again. So, four boys went to bed, four men come out, and the bunny took the boys, Sunday, April the 10th, 1966. Anyway, he delivered the chocolate and hid the eggs.
From 2008 - Peter Hussein CottonTail

The Easter bunny used to scare the bejesus out of me when I was a kid. Not the dude in the obvious cheap mall costume, but the REAL Easter bunny. You know... Peter Cottontail. Remember the song?

Here comes Peter CottonTail
Hoppin' down the bunny trail
hippity hoppity
Easter's on its way

Santa Claus never scared me this way. St. Nick may be an elf, but he always reminded me of a kindly and gentle grandpa who brought me presents and candy once per year. The Easter bunny on the other hand, is this humongous beast covered in fur, with razor sharp teeth, whose sole mission is to HIDE the freakin' eggs I worked my a$$ off coloring!

On Christmas eve, all tucked and snug in bed, I would fall asleep with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. On Easter eve, I would lay awake terrified, straining to hear any sign of the giant rodent with it's rodent brain thinking alien rodent thoughts. Would it stick to the script again this year by hiding the eggs, leaving some candy, and move on? Or would the creature twitch it's nose outside my bedroom door and decide to deviate from the schedule? No? Maybe it was just me then.


Emo Philips and the Easter Bunny 1983