Monday, September 18, 2017

THIS photo proves time travel is real!

Chattering Teeth News - By now, everyone knows that President Donald J Trump allowed an 11-year-old boy, Frank, to mow the White House lawn for free in his opening move to cut waste, fraud and abuse.

BUT DID YOU KNOW that Frank received an automated rejection from then president obama when making the same request? And that obama was the first and ONLY president that has denied Frank's free lawn mowing proposal since Washington?

This is likely the earliest photograph of White House staff members at work.

Notice anything eerie?

Frank told this reporter that Nixon was the worst Republican tipper, but still more generous than every democrat president to date who has yet to tip or even thank him.

THE END

Friday, September 15, 2017

Tea Time with the Intolerables - Episode 2


POP QUIZ: Match the person with the quote
Who said...
A) NANCY PELOSI
B) SALLY FIELD
C) CHUCK SCHUMER

1) “He likes us!”

2) "you like me!"

3) Lim Nanyell Madonna


The quotes are links to the answers, but unless you're a bernie voter I bet you figured it out. With Chuck Schumer's hot mic pickup gushing that Trump "likes us", after he struck the deal with Schumerand Pelosi to raise the debt ceiling and hasten us to financial oblivion, I couldn't help but hear Sally Field repeating this from her 1985 Academy Awards speech.

Sally Field "You like me!" 1985 Academy Awards


I was a Cruz guy and was tough on Trump during the primaries. While I couldn't bring myself to vote for him (let's not re-litigate the whole 'binary choice' thing with a 'yah, but Hillary') I've stayed away from bashing him since his election. I understand why you, my friends did vote for him.  Honestly, I was hopeful he would do the right thing. A couple of times he has. But really, I don't see much daylight on the big issues between Hillary and him.

Let's see... what happened to tearing up that terrible Iran deal on day one? And how about that repeal of Obamacare? Lovin' that! Trump has also reneged on the wall and on amnesty. I'm old enough to remember him hammering Little Marco and low energy Jeb for the same position. I'm also really enjoying these huge tax cuts and all those $Trillions pouring in from overseas. And really so proud of Trump for staring down the dems and raising the debt ceiling without defunding the murders operating Planned Parenthood.

OK, maybe I shouldn't be so cynical. Maybe he really is playing underwater three dimensional Parchesi with one arm tied behind his back. MAGA MAGA MAGA!

Two NY Liberal Presidential Candidates From Opposing Political Parties Walk Into a Bar...






just kidding... I can't stand this f&*%er.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Next up: Hurricane General Robert E Lee?

A CHATTERING TEETH ALL-POINTS AMBER WEATHER BULLETIN ALERT THINGY

When dealing with the weather, there are some things we know for certain and some things we can only surmise. For example, we know that pink skies at night are a sailor's delight while pink skies in morning, sailor's take warning. Scientists like Algore and Bill Nye also know absolutely what the global temperatures will be many decades out, but forget about an accurate forecast for this coming weekend. And forecasting hurricanes? Fuhgeddaboutit! Until now.

WHAT WE KNOW
The National Hurricane Center  is watching 2 disturbances in far eastern Atlantic with wind speeds of 35 mph. A storm is named when it reaches tropical storm strength with winds of 39 mph, and becomes a hurricane or typhoon when its wind speed reaches 74 mph.
So if the next tropical depression in the chamber gains tropical storm strength, what will it be called (and who is in the path)?

The following is the list of names for 2017 storms that have already occurred in the North Atlantic:

Arlene, Bret, Cindy, Don, Emily, Franklin, Gert, Harvey, Irma, Jose (active), Katia

With Jose still active and threatening the East coast, and Katia already striking Mexico, the next unused name on the list is Lee.

Lee (unused), Maria (unused), Nate (unused), Ophelia (unused), Philippe (unused), Rina (unused), Sean (unused), Tammy (unused), Vince (unused), Whitney (unused)

WHAT YOU AREN'T BEING TOLD (UNTIL NOW)
The illuminazis who run the World Meteorological Organization in charge of storm names are keeping it hush that storm name 'Lee' is short for General Robert E. Lee, and the tropical swirl right on his heels is none other than his trusty steed, Traveller.

SHOCKING STORM PREDICTION
These 2 storms will join up in the middle of the Atlantic (because this Confederate General never went into battle without his famous horse during the Civil War) to form an unprecedented mega Cat 6 Hurricane named General Lee.

Its no surprise that this tropical depression was born on the sun baked west coast of Africa IN THE SAME AREA THE SLAVES WERE TAKEN! and will follow THE SAME SLAVE TRADE ROUTE across the ocean!

This potentially catastrophic and racist storm will come ashore somewhere in Dixie, and the meteorologists on staff here in the CT weather bunker agree that the wind speeds will likely reach strengths enabling these whirlwinds to blow down all the city hall warehouses and storage facilities all across the south where the Robert E. Lee statues are now located. The updrafts from this perfect storm will then lift the Lee statues into the whirlwinds, carrying them back to the parks and courthouses from where they had been removed, and gently placing them back down on their pedestals.

After that, Hurricane General Lee's storm surge is expected to locate all of the fascist 'antifa' communist cupcakes in their cute li'l dressup black bandanas AND the white-supremacist goons playing Nazi and drag them ALL out to sea.

SPAGHETTI MODEL - 
Here is the current favorite spaghetti model favored by our action weather team.
It's the Fisher Price Spaghetti Pretend Play Food Set

Stay tuned for important weather updates.

THE END

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

MONKEY SELFIES 3 "NO JUSTICE, NO FECES"

PETA REJOICES! - Settlement Reached: ‘Monkey Selfie’ Case Broke New Ground for Animal Rights
After roughly two years of court battles, the groundbreaking lawsuit asking a U.S. federal court to declare Naruto—a free-living crested macaque—the copyright owner of the internationally famous “monkey selfie” photographs has been settled...

As a part of the arrangement, Slater (the photographer who's camera this jacka$$ monkey used without permission) has agreed to donate 25 percent of any future revenue derived from using or selling the monkey selfies to charities that protect the habitat of Naruto...

This is great news, and just in time to salve the pain for the people still suffering from losses sustained by the recent hurricanes in Texas and Florida.

A quick re-cap of our journey (and because I like to recycle my old memes when I'm pressed for time).

MONKEY SELFIES 2 - MACAQUE-A-PHOBIA


The good news for you is that, now that this injustice has been set right, I will no longer feel obligated to blog on the subject. Or will I?...

the PETA article concludes: We’ll continue working in the courts to establish legal rights for animals. Everyone deserves the rights we hold dear: to live as they choose, to be with their families, to be free from abuse and suffering, and to benefit from their own creations.


PICTURED ABOVE: Naruto the monkey during harder times in the jungle when he was denied the right to keep his own photographs, paintings, musical compositions and other fruits from his artistic endeavors.

Now that Naruto is filthy rich, it begs the question, "where is he now?"

Monday, September 11, 2017

Latest Weather Machine News

If we've learned anything from our national treasure that is Nicolas Cage, we've learned about the existence of the "President's Secret Book", which contains documents collected "by Presidents, for Presidents' eyes only", covering such controversial subjects as the JFK assassination, Watergate, Area 51, AND George W Bush's Hurricane Weather Machine.

Hurricanes Harvey and Irma prove that President Trump has fired up the George W Bush Weather Machine, but for what ill purpose - we still don't really know. The hopes that his tiny hands wouldn't be able to operate the Weather Machine's controls have been dashed.

The nation girds its collective non-gender specific loin area for what may come next.

Stay tuned to this blog for important updates you will not get anywhere else. Seriously, just stare at the screen and occasionally hit refresh. You'll be glad you did.

In the meantime, learn more about the Weather Machine and its nefarious roots from this schorlary work  [here]
George W. Bush’s Hurricane Machine is the machine that George W. Bush used to make Hurricane Katrina, because he does not care about us black people. If George Bush did care about black people, I do not think he would have made Hurricane Katrina with his Hurricane Machine. I think he would have used it to make a hurricane that would destroy Iraq instead, and bring the troops home, if he cared about black people and American soldiers. I do not think George Bush was a good President. I voted for Obama. In this report I will explain many things about President Bush’s Hurricane Machine, which is the topic I decided to research for my report. I will also explain why President Bush was a bad President, and why we should have elected Al Gore instead, because Al Gore was far more qualified and invented the internet, which is a major accomplishment. All President Bush invented was his Hurricane Machine. I think the internet is a much larger accomplishment then a machine that makes hurricanes, even though I am doing my report on George W. Bush’s Hurricane Machine. I used the internet for much of my research, which proves how much more important the internet is. I would not use a Hurricane Machine to research the internet.
WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS WAS ON THE INTERNETS?

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Go Away Irma Part 2

Hurricane Irma knocks Cuba back half a century...
Same here... (not mine, but...)


Where's "The Cone" now?

Continued prayers for the good folks in this storm's path.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Florida Gas Station Finally Sells Hot Dog That Had Been On Roller Since 1972

Chattering Teeth News - Bob, a long-time employee of a southern Florida gas station is in shock today, as he arrived to work this morning without his friend Frank to greet him. 'Frank' is the name Bob had given to a petrified hot dog that had been tirelessly rolling away in the back row of the gas station's reliable Hot Dog Rolling Machine for as long as he can remember.

"I took this job back in 1972, and Frank had already been workin' there for a while at that point," said Bob, as he plugged in the coffee machine to re-heat yesterday's coffee for the expected morning rush. "If I was having a bad day, he was always there to listen to me."

Bob told this reporter that he didn't notice Frank at first, and would begin each morning shift with plugging in the coffee machine and turning on the frankfurter's heat lamp. When patrons continued refusing to purchase the discolored fella with the strange aroma, Bob just says he moved it to the back row and forgot about him. That is, until some time in the late 80's when Frank started talking to him during the slow hours.

After that, they became fast friends.

Until yesterday, when Bob reported to work and learned that Sally from 2nd shift had sold Frank to a hungry customer. Apparently, this customer had come looking for gas for his moped in order to flee the approaching hurricane, but to no avail. Not only did the station run out of gas, but previous panicked customers had already cleared the shelves of all the shrink-wrapped jerky, candy and bags of pork rinds.

And so Frank was an impulse purchased and Sally hasn't been seen since.

THE END

Prayers for the folks in this storm's path.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Go away, Irma

Florida residents empty shelves of water, batteries, food and stilettos.

I'm old enough to remember when we had a president with the powers to control the weather.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Joel Olsteen preparing another Estes hobby toy rocket launch in response to hurricane criticism

Joel Osteen flexes his hobby toy rocket skills and maniacal white-toothed grin.

Chattering Teeth News - Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church reportedly appears to be making preparations to launch a hobby toy Estes Alpha III Rocket  in response to criticism he has received for turning away Hurricane Harvey victims in need of food and shelter.

The rocket brags a projected maximum altitude of 1,100' with a 12" diameter parachute for rocket recovery.

While this rocket series is easy to assemble and designed with beginners in mind, Joel Olsteen is sure to increase his knowledge and technical capabilities with each launch.

He could feasibly reach a skill level 5 rocket like this Black Star Voyager, with its laser cut wood, waterslide decals, and an 18 in. parachute recovery, and an ability to deliver a 7-ounce payload of "sympathy and benevolence" at Joel's whim.




NASA's Shocking plan to relieve Yellowstone's pressure with Melania's Shoes

Chattering Teeth Science News - NASA believes the Yellowstone super volcano is a greater threat to life on Earth than any asteroid  (and second only to Trump's presidency).

NASA’s researchers were tasked with coming up with strategies to avert a super volcano catastrophe. At the top of this list of 'fixes' was implementing suffocating new taxes coupled with an Al Gore and/or Michael Moore propaganda movie aimed at anesthetizing the American people into unconsciousness. While the taxes would have no effect on the volcano, it would line the marxist's pockets to ensure survival of our 'best and brightest'. 

The second strategy, while more practical, was substantially more dangerous and having to do with drilling 10km deep holes adjacent to the magma chamber and pumping in cooling water. “Don't Mess With Yellowstone Super volcano” Geologists Warn NASA! The “risky” plan could actually backfire and trigger an eruption – potentially triggering a deadly nuclear winter.

As a compromise, NASA Imagineers have developed a plan to relieve Yellowstone's super volcano pressure with Melania Trump’s black snakeskin 5-inch stilettos. Volcanologists agree that, while the 5-inch stilettos would not drill down as deeply, the sheer volume of puncture holes could theoretically decrease temperatures by 35%.

However, if Melania's stilettos inadvertently triggered a devastating super volcanic eruption, it could lead to potentially deadly consequences, including breaking and melting the 5-inch stilettos heels.

THE END

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Flint Sit-Downers Memorial Vandalized

The Flint Sit Down Strike was always a source of pride in my family. My mother liked to tell the story of how the newspaper ran a picture of my grandmother lifting my then 5-year-old mother (or maybe it was one of my baby aunts? I don't seem to recall exactly...) through an open shop window into the arms of my grandfather, one of the sit-downers.

Someone looking at that picture probably thought what a sweet human-interest story that a gruff shop rat missed his daughter so. The truth of the matter was that my grandmother was a pistol and she was tire of the strike dragging out so long and wanted Charlie to get his a$$ back home.

I would post the aforementioned picture, but it has somehow been lost to history. Instead is this stock I found at this Michigan History Link.

So it is sad to see that vandals targeted the Sit-Downers Memorial Park in Flint.

That said, it always seemed strange to me that such a big deal is made of that strike even today. The union was a necessary evil in the beginning, but ended up eventually driving GM out of the city. I mean, the water pipes started out delivering cool, refreshing water before eventually spouting the lead. Will the last person left in this city be standing in an over-grown field looking lovingly at a statue of plumbing pipes?

But when society and the media celebrate the destruction of property and the statues of imperfect people, maybe this is what you get. In fact, if it is ok to tear down the statue representing someone  with whom you disagree - then maybe the sit-down vandal(s) were upset at these statues and justified for the same reasoning. Had these gentlemen not made a deal with the UAW devil, then just maybe these unfortunate vandals would today be game fully employed in a thriving Flint town instead of roving the cracks and crevasses of this once-vibrant Vehicle City looking to tear something down that isn't already in ruins.

And that's the memo.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

McCain, The Great White Buffoon

Blade: So Senator McCain, what do you think about Trump's pardon of Arpaio?

McCain: The Arapaho? I suppose I'm against it, due to the fact that Trump did it and I am a democrat shill. It undermines his claim for the respect of rule of law or something. The Arapaho Indians should know better. They were a nomadic people who lived on the plains of Colorado, Wyoming, Nebraska, and Kansas, so I don't know why they would be profiling Latinos in Arizona. If we've learned anything from the TSA, it's that we should be profiling elderly white woman with walkers.

Blade: Not the Arapaho Indian tribe, sir. Trump pardoned Arpaio.

McCain: Arapaima?  You mean those tropical fish? I know they are an invasive species from South America, but that doesn't give them the right to assume the immigration status of other Latinos. No freshwater fish species is above the law.

Blade: No, no, no. Not Arapaima fish... and not the Arapaho Indians. Trump pardoned Arpaio. As in SHERIFF A-R-P-A-I-O!!

McCain: What? You shut YOUR PIEHOLE! That reminds me. I want some pie.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Hurricane Harvey Annoying Grammar Troll

Residents write messages for Hurricane Harvey
(CNN)Residents in the path of Hurricane Harvey are venting over how they feel about the looming storm through messages left on their boarded-up homes and businesses.
Follow the link above to see these hateful signs displaying their discriminatory climate rhetoric if you must, but be forewarned it leads to the CNN website. Here are some examples of the hate-speech directed against this peace-loving weather front...

"GO HOME HARVEY YOU'RE DRUNK!"
"KISS OFF HARVEY"
"HARVEY SUCKS"

and then this beauty...


And now this...

Dear liberals, leftists, progressives, marxists, democrat-socialist numbnuts, transgenders, illegals, antifa a##holes, BLMers and the rest of your ilk - 

DON'T MISS THIS CHANCE to take advantage of ALL THE FREE STUFF that is RIGHTFULLY YOURS for the taking!!! THAT'S RIGHT! All the evil capitalists are vacating all their beach-front businesses and just LEAVING ALL THEIR STUFF behind. Just remove the plywood on the doors or windows and HELP YOURSELF! Self serve re-distribution = democrat-socialism. BIG DIFFERENCE!

Oh, but don't forget to put on those special climate glasses you used for last week's eclipse and stand on the beach as Harvey comes ashore. You don't want to be looking directly at that sucker without eye protection.

Once the show is over, just float back to yo crib using your stolen TV set or couch cushions as a floatation device!

THE END

BONUS: How to make a Harvey Wallbanger:
a Harvey Wallbanger is a mixed drink that I think has something to do with OJ Simpson liquored-up on Vodka and wielding a screwdriver. According to an exhaustive 2-minute google search, these drinks also include something called, "Galliano". I don't know what that is, but it sounds too much like Galileo, who I think was some alt-right white supremacist climate denier, so you don't want any of that stuff.

Here's hoping all the folks of good will in the great state of Texas stay safe.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Key pieces of Obama's "Malia at Harvard" plan

Move-in day at Harvard

OBAMA: Number one, we will not talk about numbers of tutors or marxists professors we will employ for furthering Malia's indoctrination. She's not the brightest bulb, so who knows.

Secondly, I've said it many times how counterproductive it is for students to announce the dates they intend to begin or end college. Malia took a gap year after high school - and let's face it, the odds are as long as her substantial forehead that she will be literate in just 4 years. It will depend on conditions on the campus grounds, not arbitrary timetables to graduate.

Lastly, Michelle and I are committed to working with the Harvard Administration, but our support is not a blank check. We expect Malia to be a good little communist, not that Harvard should find that a very difficult task.

Obama said bluntly that Malia was "not education-building again." To finish the point, he added: "She will be killing brain cells," just like her her parents did.

And little Malia and her new marxist democrat socialist classmate friends took off looking for campus statues to vandalize, as Barack and Michelle wept in pride.

THE END

Bonus question... what America-hating slogan is on Malia's designer T?

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Eclipse glasses... parting is such sweet sorrow.

Our story continues...

We left off with Bilbo getting aggressive when he faces the reality of parting company with the Eclipse Glasses. He argues that he should have the right to keep them.

The Eclipse glasses are his "precious".

"And yet it would be a relief in a way not to be bothered with these Eclipse glasses any more. It has been so growing on my mind lately. Sometimes I have felt it was like an eye looking at me. And I am always wanting to put it on and disappear, don't you know; or wondering if it is safe, and pulling it out to make sure. I tried locking it up, but I found I couldn't rest without it in my pocket. I don't know why. And I don't seem to be able to make up my mind."

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Don't throw out those Eclipse Glasses after Monday

The Great American Eclipse is almost here, and everyone has been scarfing up those special glasses in anticipation of this rare celestial event. It will all be over before you know it, and then what to do with your glasses?

Well FRET NOT my little snowflakes, for I know how much you enjoy recycling. Just re-purpose those bad boys into Trigger Blockers! Until all of those racist statues can be torn down and replaced with liberal leftist icons like Margaret Sanger - just put on your Trigger Blockers!

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!! They also function as Trump Twitter Trigger Blockers.
DISCLAIMER: These glasses are not "idiot proof" and severe eye damage may occur if used improperly.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Just Topplin' Statues

Leftist fascist 'anti-fascist' protesters toppled a statue of Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse at Disneyland California. Some protesters ran up to the mangled white nationalist mouse and repeatedly kicked it, while others used the distraction to cut in line for Space Mountain.

In Michael Moore's hometown of Davison, MI, counter counter protesters have pulled down this Big Boy...
H/T to my friend, Ed M...

What! They can't do that!


Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Just Throwing Rocks

Dear Blog,

I'm not really sure why I seem so fixated on Sasquatch sightings. It's not like I actually BELIEVE in huge, hairy ape-like biped creatures that roam the forests and mountains - smart enough to evade capture or leave any actual evidence of their existence, but so stupid as to preoccupy itself by making stick structures and rock arrangements. I mean, THAT'S CRAZY TALK!

I'm more of an Occam's razor kind of guy and therefore choose the simpler explanation. 'Squatch are superior humanoids who are actually future versions of our evolved selves from some time in the distant future when we have managed to master time travel (and run-on sentences) and can move back and forth from our time to theirs through invisible portals of energy hidden in large oak trees to evade capture while our future ancestors study us. 

Since almost every Sasquatch sighting seems to involve them throwing rocks and not firing ray guns, I'm left to conclude that no weapons or materials can go thru these portals, and the 'Squatch travel naked - just like the Terminator.

THE END

It's a crazy world and sometimes a tad overwhelming just trying to absorb it all. That's why when I am reading the latest story about a Sasquatch sighting, I will just imagine it is a story about North Korea's Kim Jung Un. Try it!

Kim Jung Un - Real or Hoax?

It works the other way also. Here is how I read the latest headlines in order to cope...

Sasquatch could soon develop a  trebuchet with the potential to hit hikers and capmers and irritate them many miles away.

No Sasquatch talks while rocks are flying, Tillerson says

US spy satellites detect rogue 'Squatch building rock pile.

The U.N. Security Council on Saturday voted unanimously to introduce a set of punishing sanctions against these hairy, rock-throwing creatures.

Sasquatch promise 'thousands-fold' revenge in response to United Nations sanctions

Chicago mayor, Rahm Emanuel, likened these sanctions to “blackmail,” and declared that Chicago will remain a Squatch-welcoming city.

Attorney General Sessions said the city of Chicago has chosen to protect criminal Sasquatch who prey on random hillbillys instead of enforcing laws

There. I hope you feel better now.

THE END AGAIN

Saturday, August 5, 2017

White House Reno - House of Canine Horrors!

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Renovations are now underway at the White House, and contractors have made a gruesome discovery behind a false wall in the Oval Office fireplace.

An emergency team of forensic pathologists were called onto the scene and have determined the blackened pile of butchered carcasses, entrails and puffs of black and white curly fur were the remains of what is thought to be 42 Portuguese Water Dogs.


 "Oval Office? More like Offal Office," said one anonymous medical examiner, as he vomited into the trash can next to the Resolute desk. 

 It was reported last week by golf.com that Trump had called the White House a "dump," a charge he denied via twitter on Wednesday. "I didn't say the White House was a dump, I said that it smelled like ass after 8 years of obama," Trump should have clarified.

Now, at least, we know the origins of the odor. It is well documented that obama is a long-time dog eater during his Indonesian boyhood.

Now we may finally have the answer as to why "BO and Sunny" never came when they were called (and the reason why Barack seemed to constantly be drawing flies).

According to my exhaustive 5-minute google search, six dolphins were used as Flipper in the old 'Flipper' TV series, and as many as nine collies played the part of "Lassie" in that TV series. Now it has been discovered that the Obamas dogs, Bo and Sunny, have been spelled a combined 42 times in Barack and Michelle's sad little 8-year run.

I could be wrong, but I doubt Flipper was replaced due to the Director getting a weekly hankering for a hunk of blackened mahi mahi. 

 The West Wing refurbishments will continue on schedule, with new carpeting installed, as well as a proper burial for what's left of the earlier versions of Bo and Sunny. Cost runovers are reportedly required for the dismantling of Michelle's vegetable garden and the safe removal of obama's marijuana grow house and meth lab in the White House tunnels.
THE END

Bo (#13) during 'happier' times...

Friday, August 4, 2017

Trump's new "3 Questions" immigration policy

Trump says he wants immigrants 'who speak English' and won't 'collect welfare'
"This competitive application process will favor applicants who can speak English, financially support themselves and their families and demonstrate skills that will contribute to our economy," Trump said today at the White House alongside Cotton and Perdue.

You mean our immigration system should be built on adding assets and not burdens? What a novel concept! The applications only need those 3 Questions:
1) Do you speaka dee English?;
2) Can you assimilate and contribute to our society?;
3) What is your favorite color?

Here's how the Raise Act will work!
Monty Python and the Holy Grail: 3 Questions



BREAKING!!! CHATTERING TEETH EXCLUSIVE UPDATE!!

The keeper of the Immigration Bridge of Death will ask each wannabe immigrant three questions. If the traveller answers all three correctly, they may cross in safety and become a productive member of this country. If any of the questions are answered incorrectly, they are cast into the Rio Grande Gorge of Eternal Peril. Let's peek in on the new immigration policy in progress...

KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Immigration Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, o'kay? This I will tell you. Buhleave me. What is your name?

IMMIGRANT: f*&k you, cabrĂ³n! Me llamo Jose'. Abre la puerta!

KEEPER: I don't think so...

KEEPER: Next! What is your name?

IMMIGRANT: Muhamid Bin Bangin GoatZ el Abdullah. Allahu Akbar!

KEEPER: Nice try f&*ker. You had me at Muhamid...

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

KEEPER: Next! What is your name?

IMMIGRANT: Barry Soetoro.

KEEPER: What is your quest?

IMMIGRANT: To redistribute wealth and fundamentally transform America into a socialist utopia.

KEEPER: What is your favorite color?

IMMIGRANT: Pink.

KEEPER: Right. Off you go.

IMMIGRANT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

KEEPER: Just kidding! KEEPER: I don't think so...