Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Anthropogenic Michigan Meteor

Had this meteor hit Flint, it could have caused hundreds of dollars in damage.

Most scientists agree that the recent freezing temperatures and yesterday's Michigan meteor are clearly the result of global warming. Please be on the lookout for a wandering herd of dinosaurs in the unlikely event they survived this strike.


While rare for meteor strikes in Michigan, they have happened here before. In fact, it's widely believed that numerous 'strikes' in the past resulted in the destruction of GM in Flint.



In other news...
In the search of my archives for that old dinosaur pic (above), I ran across something I wrote back in 2013. I think its pretty good so I am reposting now. I don't write like that anymore. I guess the lead catches up to you at some point.

With every technological advance, there are less and less reasons for us to actually see one another

My wife and I recently had a "debate" with our 18-year-old, the youngest of 3 boys. I say "debate", because it might have only lasted about 20 seconds, and was without those pesky time-wasting "point/counter-points".

The topic was Technology, and I surprised myself by taking the position, "technology, bad". My wife, who has on more than one occasion recently made known her desire to live on Walton's Mountain, agreed with me. My son provided a spirited defense and contrarian view by emphatically stating, "I can't believe you two are against technology."

I think I won the debate with this verbal roundhouse knockout: "Technology bad because I said so!" He never really saw that coming.

I've thought about this since. It's not that I feel that all technological advances have been bad. For instance, I am happy the caveman invented the wheel. And at some point, "FIRE! GOOOOD!"

For me, it boils down to whether these so-called "advances" lead to more human interaction or less, not just whether or not some new thing makes a task easier. The caveman's wheel allowed us to travel to and visit other communities, and the campfire allowed for more communal congregations (as well as blackened haunch of mammoth). So from my prism, Fire good, wheel good.

But what about recent advances in this digital age? Have these improvements we've enjoyed over the last few decades led to more or less human interaction?

Tweet, Facebook or text me with your answer, as I can't remember the last time I've actually seen most of you for us to have this conversation in person.

As some of you know, I enjoyed a 30 year career in newspapers. When the digital comet hit, I blogged about it on a few occasions.

"Too bad for you, but if you had it your way we'd all be riding around in a horse and carriage! Lots of people lost their jobs in carriage and buggy whip factories when the automobile was invented. Maybe we'd be better off getting our news, information and advertising on stone tablets?"

Maybe you haven't been paying attention, mister disembodied voice. The transition from horse-drawn buggies to horseless carriages improved travel, thereby expanding human interaction. Can the same be said of this digital world?

I admit to being conflicted here. I am a voracious consumer of internet-based news. I read books predominately from my Kindle. I blog (though many would wish otherwise). I'll concede these products improve the medium, but at a cost of human interaction.

There are no trucks or warehouses staffed by folks inserting, bundling and otherwise preparing these digital bytes for timely loading to the internet's back dock. There is no delivery force working through the night hours distributing these packets of data, waving to customers waiting on their front porches somewhere each day on a suburban internet router. No door-to-door weekly bill collections, conversations and human interactions that will never be again. 

Maybe it's just me, but I miss some of the simpler things that my sons will never experience.

I miss frequenting the local Borders, sipping a cappuccino while browsing the latest book selection to the song stylings of a local unknown sitting on a stool in the corner and playing his acoustic guitar.

I miss perusing the VHS movies at Blockbuster Video and getting spontaneous recommendations from strangers who notice you reading the back cover of a movie you're considering to rent.

I miss visiting the local Harmony House music retailer, not remembering the name of the artist or song I heard on the radio, but humming a few bars for the ponytailed salesperson and leaving with a new vinyl record or cassette.

I even miss pulling up to the regular pump during the winter, getting a fillup while never leaving the warmth of the car and paying the gas station attendant a $5 bill (including tip)

I miss TV Guide magazine, and going through each new issue in search of any listed Steve Martin scheduled appearances on variety and/or talk shows.

And of course I miss dirty black newsprint on my hands.

Now it appears that America's malls are the latest dinosaur in the crosshairs of the digital comet.

Like many men my age, I have never enjoyed the mall shopping experience. I've never looked forward to having to park in a different zipcode from my destination - fighting crowds and long lines of elbows and attitudes, paying confiscatory prices just to get the heck out of there, only to spend the rest of the weekend looking for my car. 

That said, it will be sad when they are gone too.

I saw somewhere recently where kids who stayed home sick from school were able to log in remotely and participate. How long before this is what public education is?

In the not-so-distant future, I'll have no reason to unplug myself from my pod.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Little Dicky Durbin crammed in drain after toaster set off smoke alarm

Chattering Teeth News - In the feel-good bi-partisan department -  They may be on opposite sides of the political fence, but when a perceived crisis occurs, you may rest assured that the president will immediately take the opportunity to cram his opponents into the nearest storm sewer.

Unfortunately, a winter storm surge swept Little Dicky deep into the lower bowels of the sewer labyrinth beneath the capital where he was transformed into a frozen turd-sycle, and is now producing some of his best legislation ever.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

this is a drill...


Jeff Spicoli, of Fast Times at Ridgemont High fame, is out as the Chief Civil Defense Button Engineer at the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency after pressing the wrong button and causing yesterday's false alarm.

SPICOLI: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Sounds like a model democrat employee for the communist republic of Hawaii. I can't imagine what went wrong, but this false alarm caused people to believe they were about to die for 38 minutes. In fairness, this is less time on average that one feels like dying while watching anything with Sean Penn in it.

So what's next for Jeff Spicoli?

SPICOLI: Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Mick are going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones!

OK, full disclosure. I really like that movie. But now that his boss, Mr. Hand, has torn his time card in half and fired him ("You d*ck!"), Hawaii is in desperate need of a new Button Engineer. I have a few worthy candidates in mind.

1) Baby Groot, of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 fame.

ROCKET: Whatever you do, don't push *this* button... Does anybody have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button. 



Baby Groot is an animated potted plant not named "Joe Biden." Maybe Baby Groot would make a better VP candidate for Oprah. As Button Mgr, he has a 50/50 chance of pushing the right button every time. This wooden twig is smarter than the average dope smoking democrat.

2) Fat guy in a little coat.

If the guy is fat enough, he won't even be able to reach the buttons.



3) Matt Lauer.

He checks all the boxes. He's a democrat. He's unemployed and available. He has a ton of experience manipulating a secret desk button.




There are numerous other worthy candidates who reach the democrat low bar . Here are just a few more...
So far the Ryobi 18-Volt ONE+ Lithium-Ion Starter Drill is the leading candidate for the job.

Friday, January 12, 2018

New UN nameplates here for all the sh*thole countries

TRUMP: Why should we accept more immigrants from Haiti and sh*thole countries in Africa rather than places like Norway?

Trump remark draws sharp reactions from UN, Haiti, Africa.

If you upset the UN and drive the msm 'bonkers', you're doing something right.

From Black Hat Conservative

U.N. spokesman Rupert Colville said that "you cannot dismiss entire countries and continents as `s---holes'."

Just to double down on his remarks, Trump orders Nikki Haley to swap out some of the nameplates at the United Nations....


Now what to do with all the old ones? At least we salvaged ours... and Norway's.


Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Cracking Up

Trump lawyer gives Steve Bannon 24 hours to cease and desist.

By the looks of him, it appears Steve has already received and complied with a "cyst and deceased" order to his haggard and corpselike face. 

*RIMSHOT* 

As you may know, I was not on the Trump train as early as most. A lot of that was due to his affiliation with this a$$ clown (among others). The president has been a pleasant surprise to me in his first year on the job. Meanwhile, Bannon has not been a surprise at all. What ever the inflammatory accusations he is making, it's just nothing more than noise to me. This egomaniac has zero credibility.

“They’re going to crack Don Junior like an egg on national TV,” the disheveled Bannon slurred.

Go home, Humpty. You're drunk.

Depending on the availability of the hotels wifi, I may be off the internets for a week or so. Feel free to feel the fake news gap by reading Bannon's book. 

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

HUMP DAY PHOTO QUIZ

What does this field of dreams depict?
1) Starving, worm-infested North Korean soldiers rummaging through a corn field foraging for food.

2) The president has given just one solo press briefing since taking office. Pictured are the hungry White House Press corp  after being given leave to find Fake News and to subsist only on his Twitter feed.

3) Palestinians and Pakistanis rioting after learning that Trump was cutting off their allowance. (p.s. - Chattering Teeth Studios will be passing out sweets to the children in celebration of this announcement)

4) illegals pouring over the border into the communist state of california.

No time for resting... still more winning necessary.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Fellowship of the Drunks

On today's blog show - The first feel-good story of 2018 has a Tolkien theme

*Cue Theme song*

*start fog machine* 
[My handsome silhouette appears behind the back-lit stage curtain - arms crossed and head down...]

ANNOUNCER-GUY: LIVE! From the Chattering Teeth Studios, it's your favorite blog feature game show where I first quote from a linked story, then I comment on the contents of said quote with a pithy, sarcastic or otherwise unoriginal response that will quite literally change the world! Immediately. Seriously. Literally, as in symbolically in my own mind. So COME ON DOWN! you're the next reader on DaBlade is Right!

Today's featured story takes us to the other side of the globe... where Hobbits actually once roamed.

New Zealanders build island in bid to avoid alcohol ban

"A group of friends came up with a creative plan to avoid a New Year's Eve alcohol ban, by building a makeshift island in coastal waters."

First off - An alcohol ban on New Year's Eve? Have we landed in North Korea? Or worse yet, Mordor? Well good on them for finding a creative solution. Load up the barrels, boys! We're off to New Rivendell, where the mead flows freely!



"...they built the island out of sand during a low tide on Sunday, and it was just big enough to fit a picnic table and an Esky."

The sandbar island was not, apparently, large enough to include a porta-Loo. And there are no Ents on the island, though they might object if they were. You may try to hold it until your Sting glows blue, but at some point you will need to release the orcs into the pool.


"Because the friends were in "international waters", they technically were excluded from the alcohol ban."

and so begins Fellowship of the Drunks.

[CUT SCENE]
Frodo Baggins: I wish the alcohol ban had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
Police Commander Sauron: You can not hide, I see you! There is no life, after me. Only!.. Death!

"The friends stayed on the island throughout the night, drinking alcohol and watching the fireworks."

That was good. Let's get another one.


"The island was still standing on New Year's Day... It was great to see some Kiwis having a bit of fun."
THE END