Saturday, July 28, 2018

SHOCKING DISCOVERY IN MAR'S WATER! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT SCIENTISTS ARE NOW SAYING!

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Last week, scientists announced the discovery of liquid water beneath the surface of Mars. Breaking news updates are now coming directly from an old Ham Radio in the basement bunker of the sprawling Chattering Teeth News complex. The same orbiter with ice-penetrating radar that discovered this liquid water NOW suggests that this water is COMPLETELY FILLED with ancient DISPOSABLE PLASTIC DRINKING STRAWS!


"The scientific community has always wondered why we couldn't find any evidence whatsoever of sea turtles meandering the surface of Mars. Now we have a working theory," stated a steely-eyed missile man who wished to remain anonymous.

Scientists still admit that they don't know the origin of these disposable plastic straws on Mars, but have long understood the propensity of these evil products of capitalism to migrate towards Earth's oceans and to attack the nasal passages of sea creatures.

Is it such a big leap to speculate that millions of years ago there might have been a vibrant Martian population living in harmony with herds of paddling sea turtles, and that eventually the Martians evolved opposable thumbs necessary to then invent Big Gulps and disposable plastic drinking straws - only for these straws to become sentient and invade the oceans in order to kill these turtles?

Is this lifeless planet a precursor for things to come for Earth unless we are able to break our addiction for these straws and instead use sippy cups?

Scientist also state that these recently discovered drinking straws are the traditional red and white striped variety and likely the reason for this planet's reddish hue.

I will keep you updated the minute I receive any more broadcasts on my honeybaked ham... at least until lunch time. After that, no promises that I will still have a working radio.


THE END

Monday, July 23, 2018

Asshat Rouhiney has Laundry Issues


Obama ain't your b*tch anymore.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Inversed


President Trump's (fill-in-the-blank) is nothing short of treasonous!

Trump's (fill-in-the-blank) was one of most disgraceful performances by a US President!

So the leftists are outraged at President Trump again, and I am supposed to care?

If the amount of caring about something could be quantified and categorized in degrees on a geometric ray displayed horizontally from left to right, whereby the left endpoint 'A' represents a total lack of empathy dedicated to a subject, and every successive point traveling to the right along the ray towards the arrowhead symbolizing infinity is a measureable increase in the amount of concern I feel
- I am never quite able to reach a "full capacity" of caring, as there is always a possibility for additional solicitude. If I were to declare, "I could care less" as my position on this ray for a certain topic, it would mean that I was dedicating some degree of burden, albeit potentially just an infinitesimal sliver('B'). If "I could care less", then by definition, "I care more than nothing". Maybe a lot more, in which case I could specify by stating "I could care tremendously less" which implies a simplified version as "I care"('C').

However,  with regards to the media and their "outrage at Trump" -  I am located at endpoint 'A', it means my level of "care" is a black void of total and utter indifference. That is to say that "I couldn't care less".

Tomorrow's lesson, a pie graph of "not giving a sh*t" and  "People who claim to give 110%". Please remember to bring your protractors. Class dismissed.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

a noble gas


BREACH OF PROTOCOL?

Crop dusting?

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Brent Kavanaugh's Path To Confirmation

This is how he gets in...

Chattering Teeth News - Brett M. Kavanaugh needed 51 votes to become the Supreme Court's next associate justice, and with Republicans holding a 51-49 majority in the Senate, it sounded like a slam dunk. However, with Arizona Sen. John McCain off on sick leave and with Susan Collins of Maine and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska uncomfortable with Kavanaugh's refusal to outright guarantee he would not restrict or outright overturn Roe v. Wade if given the chance, it was clear during the senate confirmation hearings that his nomination would go down in flames.

The democrats were always going to vote as a block against any of the president's picks, and now with the fake Republicans Collins and Murkowski, they held the 51 votes to Bork the jurist with the frat boy name. Kavanaugh had promised repeatedly during the spirited process to follow the law of judicial precedent as it related to the democrat's unholy sacrament of abortion rights, and even offered to change his frat boy first name to more palatable gender-neutral name of "Merrick" or "Barrack".

At first, Coach K believed he was making headway. That is until Dianne Feinstein accused him of putting a pube on her Coke can which motivated Elizabeth "Pocahontas" Warren to initiate her war dance in full Indian headdress regalia. It was clear to all in the chamber that Kavanaugh was no longer a viable nominee and instead was an unwanted tissue mass and just a clump of cells to the democrats.

Thinking quickly, Kavanaugh eyed a near-term pregnant democrat in the audience holding a NARAL sign. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he grabbed the women and threw her down on his desktop. The stunned senators watched in horror as Brett performed a flawless partial-birth extraction of the fetus. He the plunged his pocket knife into the back of the baby's skull before completely extracting it by grabbing a tiny ankle and thrusting it towards the jaw-gaping senators.

"Nobody can tell me what unspeakable macabre acts of horror I can do with my body," Kavanaugh eloquently stated through his maniacal giggle. 

For a full 30 seconds, nothing could be heard on the senate floor except the echo of dripping blood from the now dead baby. And then the democrat side of the chamber erupted into raucous applause.

Kavanaugh was confirmed with 51 votes, getting the 49 democrat and independents as well as with the defections of Collins and Murkowski.

THE END

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Political Pigskin

It's 2nd down and inches to go from the 50 yard line with 2 minutes left in the ballgame. You are down 2 points and your opponent has all of their time outs remaining. Since halftime, your halfback has been averaging 5 yards per carry and your quarterback has been flawless.

While there are no 100% guarantees, the obvious play is for a hand off to the running back and ramming the ball up the middle. Odds are good for a first down with plenty of time left on the clock. If not, there is always a 3rd down. Maybe a play action and quick throw over the middle. Keep 'em guessing. But what makes no sense at all is for the coach to call for a 65-yard field goal attempt on 2nd down and into the wind.

That's what Trump has done with this Kavanaugh pick.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

The 3 Witches of the Supreme Court

When ever I think of the 3 women on the Supreme Court, I think of the three witches from William Shakespeare's play Macbeth. And likewise, whenever I think of Macbeth's weird and wayward sisters, I think of Sonia Sotomayor, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Elena Kagan.

According to wiki, they "represent evil, darkness, chaos, and conflict... Their presence communicates treason and impending doom... They are not only political traitors, but spiritual traitors as well... They defy logic, not being subject to the rules of the real world." And that was the wiki page describing these present-day female judges (I think).

In fact, what I am about to show you MAY JUST CONVINCE YOU that TIME TRAVEL IS REAL!

The top image is of course our weird women on the SCOTUS. You might assume the bottom image is simply an artist's exact replication of this scene. You would be wrong. The bottom painting was actually completed in 1782 by Henry Fuseli and titled, "The Three Witches." 1782??? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!

But I digress. What I really wanted to blog about was President Trump's upcoming nomination for the SCOTUS. It will either be leaked Sunday or announced on Monday, so we won't have long to wait.

And my selection for the 2018 Supreme Court draft is... [mumbles incoherently]. What was that? I said, my selection for the 2018 Supreme Court draft is... Darko Milicic

This pick is more important than the Gorsuch selection (or even the 2003 Detroit Piston's draft pick). Trump wasn't going to do better than Scalia, and thankfully he picked an acceptable replacement. This time we need to gain ground in replacing the unreliable, namby pamby Justice Kennedy with a constitutionalist. There should be no more 'reaching across the aisle'. Rather, there should only be stepping on their throats and grinding in our heels.

Mike Lee should be at the top of all right-minded folks, but for some reason is not expected to be picked. Some speculate a deal was already struck with Kennedy. I hope not. Amy Coney Barrett would be my second choice after Mike Lee. Ultimately, Roe v Wade needs to be overturned. I refuse to join the crowd that suggests that's not possible. Well, maybe not tomorrow, but why not next week?

AND THAT'S THE MEMO...

FULL DISCLOSURE: I studied Billy Shakespeare in college, so this is why you felt intellectually inadequate as I demonstrated my grasp of his little puppet show Macbeth. It was 1985 and I was in my second year at UM-Flint pursuing a BBA. I had to fill an elective humanities requirement, and a class on Shakespeare happened to be slotted on MWF and fit around my Statistics and Operations Mgt courses but still allowed me a lengthy lunch hour to shoot pool with my friends at the UCEN. How hard could thouist be or not to be?, thunkist I. I remember the book (which I barely cracked) was a thunderous tome and cost over $20! (a lot back then) The thing filled up my back pack and I could barely fit in the smallish CliffsNotes version (which I almost read in it's entirety). Either I didn't understand the deeper meanings or my professor was a communist (likely both), for I scored a D-. It was my only blemish and a lesson learned (never take a class requiring such a large book). The takeaway that you need to remember is that I studied Shakespeare in college.

As I was remembering this Shakespeare class, I noticed my eyelids beginning to droop. "Have I been hit with a tranquilizer dart again?," I mused... as I started going numb. I feeel... sooo... sleeeepy... Zzzzz.

~ ~ DREAM SEQUENCE ~ ~ 

EXTRA EXTRA! Researchers Have Found Two New Pages of Macbeth Exhumed From Under the Ancient Foundation of Shakespeare's Two-car Garage!

“By the pricking of my thumbs / Something wicked this way comes,” says one of the Weird Sisters as Trumpbeth approaches their coven

All hail, Trumpbeth, hail to thee, Thane of business. [past]

All hail, Trumpbeth, hail to thee, President of the United States. [present]

All hail,Trumpbeth, the destroyer of Roe V Wade! *gasp* [future].  

"Fair is foul, and foul is fair / Hover through the fog and filthy air" (sounds like Mad Auntie Maxine is approaching - and I awake with a start!!!)

THE END

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Montana Orange Dawg

The Make America Great Again Rally 2018 Victory Lap tour continues tonight at the Four Seasons Arena in Great Falls, Montana. I've never been to Montana. I hear there is a really big block of ice there. In any case, I am so looking forward to watching the clips when I get home tonight.

When I think of Montana, I can't help but think of an episode of Alias Smith and Jones from 1971 titled Night of the Red Dog. That episode was life changing to this then 10-year-old boy, as it exposed him to the card game called Montana Red Dog - which played a prominent role in the plot. My friends and I worked that game into our card game rotation with Buckets, In-Between, and sometimes traditional poker games. What else was I going to do with my paper route money?



Deal me in, and I'll bet the pot!  We have the Trump card!

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Happy Independence Day 2018

Yesterday, July 3rd is Koda's birthday, and this was the sad yet hilarious post by one of my daughter-in-laws. Koda used to live with us before our middle son got married but some things never change. Kind of reminds of the Ace Ventura shower scene when Ace realizes Finkel is Einhorn.

This movie is of course one of my 50 top 10 movies of all time. In it, Ace is tasked with finding the Miami Dolphin's mascot dolphin named Snowflake. Coincidentally, Ace is assuming the position that all snowflakes assume when President DJT takes to his Twitter feed or when the national anthem plays before a ball game.

Happy Independence Day, stay safe and remember to respect your pets and pet detectives hygiene practices during the show.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Chattering Teeth Exclusive with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Blade: Today I have the pleasure of sitting down with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the 14-year-old Latina upstart who recently defeated 10-year incumbent Joe Bag-o-donuts by an estimated vote tally of 116 to 80-something. Thank you for doing this - - may I call you Al?

Alexandria: You must call me Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, por favor, and roll your tongue on the Rrrr's.... And I am veintiocho años.

Blade: So Al, congrats on the narrow victory over that white guy in the uneducated and majority Hispanic New York's 14th Congressional District which includes parts of the Bronx and Queens - though most folks don't know where that is.

Alexandria: I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps.

Blade: OK, let's talk policy then - What is this Democratic Socialism you so eloquently espouse? Free maps? Free college? Free health care? Free everything? AND THE POOR FOLKS IN THE BRONX ACTUALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF FREE STUFF?

Alexandria: I personally believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so that we will be able to build up our future for our children.

Blade: Wait... your policy platform seems familiar. Some would accuse you of plagiarizing Miss South Carolina from the 2007 Miss Teen USA Pageant.

Alexandria: such as?

Blade: Well, you've convinced me. Now I see what all of the media, hollywood and late night hosts are so fired up about. You are the most brilliant mind to come out of the socialist democrat party this side of Bernie Sanders, Nancy Pelosi or Maxine Waters. And your googly eyes are somewhat endearing. Good luck to you. This is going to be entertaining to us flyover folks.

Sunday, July 1, 2018

Friday, June 29, 2018

Unchained!

When things happen I will sometimes relate the events to an old movie or tv show in my head. Hence the previous post regarding Trump's rally and the movie Fargo. I don't always post them but I am going to today because I have an earworm and I must share it in order to make it go away. That's how it works for me. You've been warned.

The latest thing that happened is Justice Kennedy announcing his impending retirement, and as a result I have the Righteous Brothers "Unchained Melody" soundtrack from the movie "Ghost" on CONTINUOUS LOOP in my head.

"What does one thing have to do with the other?," I imagine you asking. I'll tell you.

This is yet another opportunity for Trump to get America back on track after suffering 8 long years under obama running around like an effeminate gnome and breaking all our clay pots and trying to turn America into one large Fairy Garden. 

Now comes President Trump with a big lump of clay and he gets to mold and form and remake this country's institutions back into the constitutional clay pots our founding father's intended.

See where this is going? You're thinking about the pottery wheel scene from the movie Ghost, aren'tcha? Think Demi Moore playing the part of Lady Liberty sitting at the pottery wheel and stroking the wet clay as Unchained Melody begins to play. Donald Trump is played by a shirtless Patrick Swayze, caressing and guiding her into forming the clay into something beautiful again.

"Ooooooohhh.... my love, my darling. I've hun...gered for your touch..."

Tag, you're it. I give my earworm to you.

Of course, this is not how the left sees it. They are in full panic mode at the prospects of Trump getting another Supreme Court pick. Check out this New York Times clap trap piece of crap if you enjoy bathing in liberal tears as much as I do: Trump Remakes America

OR just watch this old Donald Trump Funny Pottery Adverisement (which is how the left envisions the pottery wheel scene)

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Trump Visits Fargo - Ya, You Betcha!

President Trump will be holding a rally in Fargo, North Dakota this evening. I don't know about you, but I can't think of Fargo, ND without immediately thinking about that Coen Brothers movie by the same name. And when I think of the movie Fargo, my mind's eye conjurs the bloody wood chipper scene. If you've seen the movie before, so do you.

Even their hometown newspaper The Red River Vally News apparently equates Trumps visit with that “Eager Beaver” backyard wood chipper, as evidenced by this headline:

Fargo is buzzing as Trump makes his appearance in North Dakota

"Buzzing"? Really? Hmmmm... What else "buzzes"? Bees. Flies. Alarm clocks... "You in the back there!"

"uhhh... wood chippers?"

A Kewpie Doll for the crazy scruffy dude wearing the Trapper hat and bloody plaid coat.

Come to think of it, 20,000 Trump supporters in the parking lot waiting for the Scheels Arena doors to open would also make quite the buzzing noise. I highly encourage Mad Auntie Maxine Waters to show up here tonight and harrass them. Why not? Why bother picking us off one at a time at the local gas station, restaurant or shopping mall when you can confront so many at one time?

“Uff da!”

Monday, June 25, 2018

Red Hen Restaurant Just One Year Later - You Won't Believe Your Eyes!

Like I said over at cube's place: If a large gay lesbian couple wanted to go into a bakery and buy them out of all their bake goods, the baker should have sell to them. However, the baker should not be forced to use his art talents in promoting their grotesque hobby in frosting.

The only way this is comparable to the Red Hen kicking Sarah out of the restaurant would be if Sarah used her God-given talents and forced the wait staff to sit in front of her dinner podium while she verbally slapped them around during dessert.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

TIME Mag's Latest Cover Correction

Crying Time magazine subscribers beg to be reunited with the truth.

"Ok, Donald. Listen, listen, listen... "Donald, honey, just listen."

Won't you PLEASE help reunite this poor Guatemala immigrant child with his cupcake?

Here's a preview of next month's cover: If we build a wall, who will pick our lettuce and mow our lawns?




Friday, June 22, 2018

No, I really don't care for the Fake News statist media


Melania wears rain coat with "I REALLY DON'T CARE, DO U?" written on the back in big white graffiti lettering and the leftists are having a field day mocking her. Fake news is reporting this to be evidence for Melania's lack of empathy toward illegal crumb crunchers. The president tweeted it was actually a message directed at Fake news CNN. If that were the case, a huge graphic of a middle finger would suffice. Nobody in their right mind really believes Melania doesn't love children. And somewhere, the nut job Rachel Maddow gently weeps.

THIS JUST IN!!! ANOTHER CHATTERING TEETH EXCLUSIVE!
Hilery (sic) visits Planned Parenthood Flea Market trafficking in the selling of baby parts while wearing a Plus Sized Hoodie with "Another One Bites the Dust" on the front to criticize Melania's stilettos.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

The longest day


"On summer solstice eve, the Great Gaia rises out of her Kale patch and flies through the air with her bag of gender neutral toys for all the little purple penguins. She also leaves free condoms and rape whistles in all the stockings left hung by the incense burner. Wouldn't you like to dance naked with me by the bonfire in the Kale patch on summer solstice eve and wait for the Great Gaia?"


LINUS: "But isn't the summer solstice the longest day of the year, meaning Donald J Trump will be YOUR president LONGER today than any other day?"


NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Separation of families

Let me see if I am following the fake news cycle correctly. I am supposed to get worked up and blame Trump over children being temporarily separated from their law-breaking, border-jumping illegal alien parents? I need to have Hilery (sic) of all people read me bible verses?

Let's look at some other instances of family separation caused by the left's policies for a little contrast.

One in four pregnancies ends in an abortion each year. The largest abortion provider in America, Planned Parenthood aborts about 320,000 unborn babies a year, or about 876 per day. Every one of these dismembered and murdered babies are separated from their families before day one.

Almost half of all babies born in the United States are born out of wedlock, with the majority of those children starting life with separation of the family at day one.

Of all children born to married parents this year, fifty percent will experience the divorce of their parents before they reach their 18th birthday. About 40% of children who do not live with their biological father have not seen him during the past 12 months; more than half of them have never been in his home and 26% of those fathers live in a different state than their children.

Of those left, there are 2.7 million minor children who have a parent in jail or prison, or 1-in-28 American children (3.6%) have an incarcerated parent.

IN CONCLUSION, the left are not only batshit crazy, but pure evil. I hates them Mr. Baginsesss.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Cruz Crushes Cryin' Kimmel


CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - All 3 of Cryin' Jimmy Kimmel's regular viewers to his little late night bitch sessions were treated to days and days of bad-natured trash talk about Ted Cruz leading up to the Blobfish Basketball Classic matchup. After almost 2 hours (including Jimmy's "cry break time outs) Ted cruised to an easy 11-9 victory

“The reason this happened is because I called Cruz a blobfish,” Kimmel whined. “And he did not like that … so he challenged me to a charity game of one-on-one and he proceeded to spank me repeatedly up and down the floor.

Not sure how I lost. I worked on my game with the former president for weeks!

Saturday, June 16, 2018

JOKES FOR RADICALS

Henry: The IG report shows foreign actors gained access to your emails...

Hilery (sic): Who, like Ingrid Bergman or Gérard Depardieu or something?

Get more "Hill-arity" like this from her new book from Chatteringteeth Press


Friday, June 15, 2018

WHO'S THE WILD MAN NOW!?

Giuliani calls for suspension of Mueller's probe


Ruuuuuudy...
Ruuuudy... Ruuuudy... 
Ruuudy... Ruuudy... Ruuudy...
Ruudy... Ruudy... Ruudy...
Rudy!... Rudy!... Rudy!...

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Democrat congressional hopeful wants to train teachers how to disable themselves with pepper spray

 US POLITICIAN PEPPER SPRAYS HIMSELF IN CALL TO END SCHOOL SHOOTINGS
A US Congress candidate has pepper sprayed himself to demonstrate how teachers could protect against school shootings if they had “non-lethal defence tools in every classroom”. 

Levi Tillemann, a Democrat candidate in Colorado, says there needs to be legislation to protect children in schools. 

“I am calling on congress to pass legislation to place secure a can of high-power pepper spray inside a ‘break glass in case of emergency’ box in every classroom in the country and train teachers how to use this powerful self-defence tool,” he said.

OK, I have to admit that this dude may be on to something. As I watched this crazy person spray himself in the eyes with pepper spray.

I was memorized MESMORIZED (thanks cube) by the depths of his total, utter and complete ignorance. 

I was distracted and forgot what I was doing, as he dunked his head repeatedly in a bucket of sudsy water. Imagine if an entire classroom of kids sprayed themselves in their own eyes when confronted with an evildoer. This would be way more effective than an armed response, don't you agree?
 
 “It’s incredibly painful, and now I just can’t see anything.  It’s just unbearable, it’s like lava in your eyes.”

You might get the same painful response with posters of Hillary on every door entrance during school hours.

THE END

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Robert De Niro exchanged for secret family Kimchi recipe

Summit in Singapore off to a great start. 

Monday, June 11, 2018

Bob De Nada and the Hollywood leftists attack President Trump while he is on foreign soil

Is anyone surprized that Robert De Niro says ‘F— Trump’ at Tony Awards (while our president is in Singapore in advance of dangerous negotiations regarding NK nuclear weapons), and gets a standing ovation? What I found odd was that there was actually another Hollywood awards show. Do they have these every weekend now?

So Bob De Nada was apparently introducing fellow leftist commie Bruce Springsteen to perform a song. Did Samantha Bee open with her so-called comedy routine of c-word insults directed at our first lady? Was this followed up by Michael Moore reading poetry?

Think about this. This douchebag's Trump derangement routine was captured by scores of broadcast professionals on state=of-the-art cameras and microphones and relayed over multi-million dollar satellites in Geo synchronous orbit and over a vast network of underground fiber-optic cables to TV sets all over the globe and enjoyed by approximately 3 viewers. The majority of the rest of us were either watching the Food network or clipping our toe nails.

Well, at least the Hollywood audience of leftist communist progressive C----s and dumbf----s enjoyed it.



Fav comments from linked article (and only reason to even click it):
>>>F#@K DeNiro.

>>>and just like that, I am gong to vote Trump from this point on, I have always been a liberal and voted for Obama but these relentless nasty and vulgar attacks has made me sick of these celebs that continue to act like toddlers throwing tantrums. It is not classy and exasperating to hear day in and day out.

>>>De Niro doesn’t realize he will never be in a hit movie for the rest of his life. Never.

>>>That’s saying exactly “f*** half of America, f*** elections, and f*** our constitution”.

In other news:
Donald Trump And Kim Jong Un Lookalikes Hold 'Summit' In Singapore
SINGAPORE: While access to the historic summit between US President Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un will be tightly restricted, hundreds of Singaporeans got the next best thing on Saturday when two lookalikes showed up at a downtown mall.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

"JUST SAY NEIGH" to Horseycide

Chattering Teeth News - 2015 Breeders' Cup and Triple Crown Winner American Pharoah was found hung in his stall (at least that's what the ladies said) dead at the age of 6. 

Empty bottles of cheap Kentucky bourbon were found scattered among the hay bales, and medical examiners' preliminary results reflect he may have also overdosed on horse tranquilizers.

"¿por qué?," asked Juan Amillio Rodriguez Chalupa Sanchez Diablo, American Pharoah's press secretary and shit-shoveler. "Maybe he jus' miss the midget show racing circuit." 

American Pharoah's death by his own hoof comes on the heels of the 2018 Belmont Stakes where Thoroughbred racehorse Justify becomes just the 13th Triple Crown winner, and first since AP won in 2015 breaking a 37-year drought. Maybe he was just jealous and sad that the little people no longer rode him in circles, and nobody draped him with flowers wreaths anymore.

The Foundation for Horseycide Prevention recommends that stalls "JUST SAY NEIGH" and have a muted response to horseycide, because other horses may be attracted to the idea of getting recognition or gratification in death.

"These celebrity horseycides, while tragic, should be shunned and ignored like school shooters," stated DaBlade, veteran jockey of area supermarket coin operated kiddie horses. "I wish I could still  take a quick Penny Pony ride at the grocery store now and again, but there are those restraining orders to worry about."

American Pharoah had no reason to be sad that his career 'stalled' as he had been getting plenty of tail in his retirement with him earning a stud fee of about $200,000 per pop. He leaves hundreds of mares in foal to cherish his memory.

A memorial service will be held at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow at the ACME Glue Factory. In lieu of a flower necklace, send me a bottle of Old Grand-dad.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

stream of unconsciousness

QUERY OF THE DAY: How many more celebrities and/or fashion designers must die by their own hand before I've actually ever heard of one of them? 

SPORTS TIP: Lebron James and his sidekick Cavs lose this year's basketball trophy. The consolation prize invitation to the Waffle House has been rescinded because he won't just shut up and dribble the syrup. Go home, Lebron. You're dunked.



WHEN HEADLINES ATTACK!: 
Gator sought after report of possible attack in Florida park

Gator "sought"? What an odd word to use in relation to a gator. 
BOLO: Be On The Lookout for a reptile on the loose and reportedly wearing a hard leather-like hide, dark sunglasses and driving a 1971 Gremlin. He should be considered armed and dangerous.

TRUMP NEWS: Trump says he will ask NFL players who kneel during National Anthem for a list of those they feel should be pardoned and he will read their application. Way to call their bluff, Donald. I'm sure this was met with confused and vacant stares by these leftist America-hating kneel-baggers. This is the equivalent of Trump "pulling the chair" and watching them fall on their asses.

Sad news from Fox News commentator Charles Krauthammer stating he only has weeks to live. He would often frustrate me with his analysis as well as getting me to nod in agreement the next segment. A good man that will be missed when he's gone. When Joe Biden heard this, he shouted, "Stand up, Chuck! Stand up and let 'em see ya!"

LASTLY, THE RODMAN ADVANTAGE?
“I will be flying to Singapore for the historical Summit. I’ll give whatever support is needed to my friends, @realDonaldTrump and Marshall Kim Jong Un,” Rodman said in a Twitter post.

It's probably no surprize that I have a soft spot for Dennis (side margin) and that I will always give him the benefit of the doubt. Even if no progress is made, you have to tip your MAGA cap at his willingness to try. God Bless you Worm, and good luck!

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Dear Philadelphia Eagles football team

The letter Trump should pen in response to this.

Dear Philadelphia Eagles football team,

Congratulations on winning a trophy for a game you are paid millions of dollars to play. People pay lots of money to watch you throw and catch and kick and run with an oblong ball. They buy an over-price ticket or tune in on TV for escapism. They want to get away from the divisive polical climate permeating every nook any crannny of our society. They get their fill of pampered social justice warriors and America-hating snow flakes the rest of the week. The last thing most of these loyal fans want to see during the playing of our National Anthem. are these haters kneeling and disrespecting our country, our military, hot dogs and apple pie.

Your invitation to the White House was based on a long standing tradition to reward sports teams for winning a championship. A nice photo op for all, a tour of the White House and a nice little mini vacation for your team. But your jackass owner and Hillary donor Jeff Lurie had other ideas. Instead of leaving politics at the door, he wanted the visit to be an “opportunity to engage in productive dialogue with the leaders of our country."  I don't think so. Hey Lurie! Take off the pink pussy hat and step away from the gay wedding cake.  You have proven yourself incapable of productive dialogue and most of these kneel-bagging SJW players border on incoherence.

Therefore, when I heard that only a small number of players were planning to come to the White House in an attempt to make a statement or to try to embarrass me, I had to cancel. Instead, there will be a ceremony for a group of 1,000 fans who deserved better by tour franchise and your city.  

I was very much looking forward to being there with you. Sadly, based on the tremendous anger and open hostility displayed by the team ownership and by your Mayor, Silly Jim Kenney,  I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to have this long-planned meeting.

You like to talk smack and throw insults my way, just keep in mind that my nuclear capabilities are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.

Sincerely yours,
Donald J. Trump
President of the United States of America

Thursday, May 31, 2018

In the "And you thought YOU were having a bad day" Department

Didja see this? 

The remains of a man trying to escape the volcanic eruption of Mount Vesuvius nearly 2,000 years ago were found in Pompeii, Italy, this week...
Archaeologists believe the man was fleeing to safety, having managed to escape the first volcanic eruption, but was subsequently crushed by a large stone in the process.

Archaeologists believe the man was around 35-years-old and suffering from a bone infection. His head has not yet been found.

His head has not yet been found? I can give them a clue where to start looking.

 The story suggests that the internet memes this photo generated are somehow inappropriate. I say, meme away. The average life expectancy in ancient Rome was 35 years of age. The dude made it! If I were him and was given a choice on "how to go" the day before Vesuvius erupted, THIS would have been my wish.

 But that got me to thinking. I wonder how these folks spent the day before the big blow? Were they worried about stuff that wasn't really important in the big scheme? Shouldn't they have taken an occasional look at the rumbling mountain over their shoulder and prioritized a little better?
Life is rock and roll
Sisyphus Vesuvius
Pyroclastic flow

In 1942, a gentleman by the name of Albert Camus had a philosophical essay published titled, "The Myth of Sisyphus." In it, Camus argues that Sisyphus symbolizes "man's futile search for meaning" and concludes with this: "The struggle itself...is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."  So basically Hannah Montana had it about right. It is the climb.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

FREE TOMMY! AND FREE A HOT DOG BUN!

Pet Peeve Dept: If half a turn with the reins around the hitching post will hold a 1500 pound horse while the cowboy is knocking a few back in the saloon, then it should be good enough for the twist tie on the bread wrapper people. When I want a sandwich, I do not want to have to perform 20-some untwists (after starting in the wrong direction of course and making it worse). I doubt the slices are plotting an escape. 

 It happens every time there is a cook out and I want to get a bun for the brat and/or the burger, and the wrapper is closed with a twist tie. Do I untie clockwise or counter clockwise? There is no right or wrong answer and it is always a 50/50 proposition, for the twist tie is torqued down tight.

My understanding is that in the UK, twist ties HAVE to be turned counter-clockwise to loosen them. Of course, this is America where you are still allowed to be against Islamic pedophile groomers,  so there is no law regarding twist tie directions (or even a toilet paper roll OVER/not under Amendment).

The story has a happy ending, as I was ultimately successful in extricating the hot dog bun after much angst. Hope your cookout was as fruitful.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

A Case For Caravaning

or alternate blog post titles:

*When wives attack text directions

*Meet you at Sweetwater

*What I knew was... what I didn't know...

What I knew was that my wife and I had been invited to attend the Detroit Tigers baseball game vs the Chicago White Sox on Saturday, May 26 with my brother and sister-in-law. What I didn't know was that the seats would be be behind home plate in the upper deck and fantastic. But before we get to that part...

What I knew was that I don't own a cell phone and so rely on getting important messages thru my wife. What I didn't know was that her narrative invention would throw the proverbial curveball into our plans.

What I knew was that we would be driving separately (as they were heading to Kalamazoo after the game) and that we were to "meet at Sweetwater pub" at 12:30pm. What I didn't know was that my brother meant the Sweetwater bar just a few miles from my house (never been there and forgot it was named this) and that I was told we were supposed to meet in Detroit - so (going against my instincts) I pointed the GPS at the Sweetwater Tavern a few blocks away from the ballpark.

NARRATOR SIDENOTE QUERY - When partaking in a day trip with friends or family involving separate vehicles, do you decide to; 1) meet at the destination at a specific time? or; 2) caravan?

My wife was brought up in a home where they practiced "meeting there" and I come from a long line of caravaners. As a caravaner myself, I am not sure how the "meet theres" are so confident the other parties will follow thru or actually remember to leave for the agreed-upon meeting spot without a continual line-of-sight. They're family, after all, so how can they be trusted not to wander off? If at any point the other party in a caravan cannot be spotted in the traffic, there is a flurry of immediate and frantic phone calls and shouting out of mile markers, with instructions for one or more parties to "take the next exit" or to "wait on the shoulder" until the caravan can once again be made whole. Otherwise we are no better than the beasts in the forest.  

So at 12:30pm sharp we pull into the parking lot in downtown Detroit.

My wife calls the sister-in-law, "where are you?".

"We are at Sweetwater Bar in Grand Blanc and waiting for you," she answers.

And THIS is why we caravan. 

I blame myself for doubting this life's rule by listening to my "meet there" wife, but I was excited for lunch in Mexicantown on Detroit's southwest side. Time for recriminations later, there are margaritas with my name on them (my Spanish name is "Geraldo", btw)

By now, my wife has her phone on speaker. I hear my sister-in-law tell my wife to meet them at the Blue Water Bridge in an hour. I hear my brother say that, "I hope my brother realizes you meant the Ambassador Bridge and not the Blue Water Bridge, which is in Port Huron.

And THIS is why we caravan.

I say, "I'll see you in Mexican Village when you get there. I'll be the gringo with a stack of empty margarita glasses in front of him."

...And that is how they found me. A great lunch and fun time at the ballpark was had by all. All's well that ends well, but it could have been worse. I had a bad feeling someone was going to get the signals crossed again and call from a jail cell in Tijuana.

So in conclusion, when planning a day trip with family and/or friends involving several vehicles - CARAVAN! If you're worried that not everyone can agree on a specific speed, you can always rent a car transport carrier.


THE END

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Pig in a Blog Poke

Sure, the internet is responsible for destroying my first career that I had a 30-year investment in, but then it does something like this... AND TOTALLY REDEEMS ITSELF!

Why Would a Pig Follow a Man Home?
Ohio police received a call at 5:26 a.m. Saturday (May 19) from a man who said he was trying to walk home from an Amtrak train station in Elyria but was being followed … by a pig. 

The man was unsure how to react. The police thought he was drunk and possibly hallucinating, but when they arrived at the scene, they found a sober man who was indeed being followed by a pig.

Obviously, a full investigation needs to be launched. Why would a pig be so persistent when it was made clear to it time and time again that the man wanted nothing to do with it?

Some answers may be forthcoming in a new book from the following pig's perspective. Pre-order your copy here!

Monday, May 21, 2018

HAMMER DOWN ON THE DEEP STATE!!!

May 2

May 20

Trump is about to put the Hammerdown!! This calls for one of my fav Nugent tunes with Meatloaf on vocals (bet you didn't know that, didja Street Rats?)

White line
Double time
Comin' 'round with a hammerdown

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Trump Lunch Break

Nothing much on the...
Trump Schedule Thursday, May 17, 2018
I see that Mad Dog remembered to pick up a Happy Meal for the Secretary General of NATO

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Miss dumbum ain't ur teacher today

If you recognized today's blog title as being a quote from the movie School of Rock, then you're AWESOME! 

I would say, "YOU ROCK," but I have no idea whether or not you even play a musical instrument or sing (and I don't want to assume your musical talents). Even if you are musically inclined, that doesn't mean "you rock". Barry Manilow doesn't exactly rock. Celine Dion certainly doesn't rock. That's not a knock against them. They're doing their own thing, but it's not rock.

But that's getting off track from my original point, which was meant to recognize your 'awesomeness' for recognizing a quote in a scene from the movie School of Rock and from the actor Jack Black's character, Dewey Finn, while impersonating his substitute teacher friend, Mr. Schneebly because he was out of work and needed a job. 

Seriously, that is one of my favorite top ten movies. I think I have about 50 of those so far.

Again, I digress. Back to the subject at hand - which was my pet peeve of the misused expression "YOU ROCK". If you've ever told someone that they "rock", for something other than playing rock and roll music well... stop doing that.

Ted Nugent rocks. Alice Cooper rocks. Bob Seger rocks. Bob from Accounting does not rock, even when nailing the latest spreadsheet. 

Then again, maybe Bob from Accounting plays lead guitar at the local watering hole at night to supplement his income. If he plays well, then he rocks, but only during his gigs and never during his day job. Are you getting this?

Suppose further that Bob ROCKS a kick a$$ solo, and after his set, he walks up to the bar and you tell him, "nice cover sheet on your latest TPS reports." That would not be appropriate nor appreciated. Tell him he "rocks",  then wait to compliment him on his accounting prowess in the morning.

Joe Satriani also rocks, but unlike the gentlemen listed in the above paragraph - he is not from the great state of Michigan. But you know what other band is? Greta Van Fleet, and Greta Van Fleet most certainly ROCKS!

Greta Van Fleet are an American rock band from Frankenmuth, Michigan. Frankenmuth already owned Christmas time, chicken dinners, beer breweries and lederhosen - now they are also home to the hottest rock band in the land. 

Greta Van Fleet formed in 2012 and consists of 3 brothers and a buddy (vocalist Josh Kiszka, guitarist Jake Kiszka, bassist Sam Kiszka, and drummer Danny Wagner).

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Volcano Threatens Obama's Childhood School

True story.

JAKARTA, Indonesia — Indonesia’s most active volcano, Mount Merapi, erupted early Friday, spewing sand and pyroclastic material and sending an ash column as high as 18,045 feet into the sky.

In other volcano news, kilauea continues to erupt in Hawaii.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Melania Trump declares US leaving ‘horrible’ Michelle Obama School Lunch Program

Flashback


School children are rejoicing across the country and celebrating the end of Mooch's lunch program.