Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Pig in a Blog Poke

Sure, the internet is responsible for destroying my first career that I had a 30-year investment in, but then it does something like this... AND TOTALLY REDEEMS ITSELF!

Why Would a Pig Follow a Man Home?
Ohio police received a call at 5:26 a.m. Saturday (May 19) from a man who said he was trying to walk home from an Amtrak train station in Elyria but was being followed … by a pig. 

The man was unsure how to react. The police thought he was drunk and possibly hallucinating, but when they arrived at the scene, they found a sober man who was indeed being followed by a pig.

Obviously, a full investigation needs to be launched. Why would a pig be so persistent when it was made clear to it time and time again that the man wanted nothing to do with it?

Some answers may be forthcoming in a new book from the following pig's perspective. Pre-order your copy here!

Monday, May 21, 2018

HAMMER DOWN ON THE DEEP STATE!!!

May 2

May 20

Trump is about to put the Hammerdown!! This calls for one of my fav Nugent tunes with Meatloaf on vocals (bet you didn't know that, didja Street Rats?)

White line
Double time
Comin' 'round with a hammerdown

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Trump Lunch Break

Nothing much on the...
Trump Schedule Thursday, May 17, 2018
I see that Mad Dog remembered to pick up a Happy Meal for the Secretary General of NATO

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Miss dumbum ain't ur teacher today

If you recognized today's blog title as being a quote from the movie School of Rock, then you're AWESOME! 

I would say, "YOU ROCK," but I have no idea whether or not you even play a musical instrument or sing (and I don't want to assume your musical talents). Even if you are musically inclined, that doesn't mean "you rock". Barry Manilow doesn't exactly rock. Celine Dion certainly doesn't rock. That's not a knock against them. They're doing their own thing, but it's not rock.

But that's getting off track from my original point, which was meant to recognize your 'awesomeness' for recognizing a quote in a scene from the movie School of Rock and from the actor Jack Black's character, Dewey Finn, while impersonating his substitute teacher friend, Mr. Schneebly because he was out of work and needed a job. 

Seriously, that is one of my favorite top ten movies. I think I have about 50 of those so far.

Again, I digress. Back to the subject at hand - which was my pet peeve of the misused expression "YOU ROCK". If you've ever told someone that they "rock", for something other than playing rock and roll music well... stop doing that.

Ted Nugent rocks. Alice Cooper rocks. Bob Seger rocks. Bob from Accounting does not rock, even when nailing the latest spreadsheet. 

Then again, maybe Bob from Accounting plays lead guitar at the local watering hole at night to supplement his income. If he plays well, then he rocks, but only during his gigs and never during his day job. Are you getting this?

Suppose further that Bob ROCKS a kick a$$ solo, and after his set, he walks up to the bar and you tell him, "nice cover sheet on your latest TPS reports." That would not be appropriate nor appreciated. Tell him he "rocks",  then wait to compliment him on his accounting prowess in the morning.

Joe Satriani also rocks, but unlike the gentlemen listed in the above paragraph - he is not from the great state of Michigan. But you know what other band is? Greta Van Fleet, and Greta Van Fleet most certainly ROCKS!

Greta Van Fleet are an American rock band from Frankenmuth, Michigan. Frankenmuth already owned Christmas time, chicken dinners, beer breweries and lederhosen - now they are also home to the hottest rock band in the land. 

Greta Van Fleet formed in 2012 and consists of 3 brothers and a buddy (vocalist Josh Kiszka, guitarist Jake Kiszka, bassist Sam Kiszka, and drummer Danny Wagner).

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Volcano Threatens Obama's Childhood School

True story.

JAKARTA, Indonesia — Indonesia’s most active volcano, Mount Merapi, erupted early Friday, spewing sand and pyroclastic material and sending an ash column as high as 18,045 feet into the sky.

In other volcano news, kilauea continues to erupt in Hawaii.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Melania Trump declares US leaving ‘horrible’ Michelle Obama School Lunch Program

Flashback


School children are rejoicing across the country and celebrating the end of Mooch's lunch program.





Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Melania cyber bullied

Melania Trump launches “Be Best” awareness campaign to combat online bullying and quickly becomes a victim of rabid social media bullying herself. Apparently, the minions of Michelle Obama sycophants believe the catch phrase "Be Best" slogan was stolen from something Michelle had said years earlier in an interview with Oprah when she encouraged men to "be better". Sounds to me like Michelle "be trippin'".

"It was an honest mistake," stated Melania. "I originally wanted 'Be Excellent,' but was told that was already taken."

Melania immediately changed the name to "For the first time in my adult life I'm proud of my country" awareness campaign in order to avoid controversy.


BREAKING CHATTERING TEETH NEWS!!! 
The scope of the Mueller investigation widens to include for possible plagiarized phrase collusion. Barron Trump's elementary school grammar teacher's home was raided by the FBI early this morning looking for possible wrongdoing in this Trump family grammar laundering.

So, Melania, Is there anything you'd like to say to Michelle after this major scandal?

Mooch "Be Biotch".

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Chris Christie Volcanogate

The USGS now says Hawaii's Kilauea eruption was caused by a collapse of the Pu’u’ ‘O’o crater, which increased in seismicity and deformation along the Volcano’s East Rift Zone. 

But what caused this collapse of the Pu’u’ ‘O’o crater remains a mystery, as does the noxious and toxic  gas emanating from the area.

In other news, former New Jersey governor, Chris Christie, says the surprise eruption will not curtail his Hawaiian vacation plans.

My Big Fat Tweet Funeral

John McCain Doesn’t Want Trump At His Funeral

MCCAIN: YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO MY FUNERAL!

TRUMP: I don’t want to go, and honestly I was not planning to go.

MCCAIN: Well good, cuz you can't come... it's my funeral, and I'd die if you showed up.

TRUMP:  Now I'm thinking about going. I expect I would have a crappy time, and I'd probably leave early... but if I don't have anything better to do, I'll swing by to pay my respects.

MCCAIN: NO! I demand you send Mike Pence instead!

TRUMP: Now you have to publicly invite me and I promise I won't. Either retract your statement and public invite me or I will not only go to your funeral, but I will make sure that Palin gives the eulogy.

MCCAIN: The dreaded Trump reverse psychology... Fine. Mr. President? I'd be honored if you would grace my corpse with your presence at my funeral.

TRUMP: I'll think about it.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Today is Cinco De Mayo - What's a Gringo to do?

Cinco de Mayo does not have to be racist.

Hola, y'all. I have a confession to make. I used to believe that it was ok for a white male to celebrate Cinco De Mayo by wearing an over-sized sombrero and dancing the macarana after getting hammered by consuming mass quantities of cervezas and margarittas, and slurring spleaking splanish with phrases like '¿ donde esta casa de pepe?'

Of course, I also used to believe that the Boy Scouts was an organization with the mission of turning young boys into men, and not a misogynistic institution of toxic masculinity, and that girls belonged in the Girl Scouts and baking my cookies.

I used to foolishly believe there were only two sexes (Millennials  read 'genders') and that men should not use the ladies restrooms.

Back in those old days, I used to respectfully stand for the national anthem, with my hand over my heart, and not on a knee in solidarity with cop haters and clueless discontents.

That was before I was 'woke'.

Thankfully, I'm no longer homophobic and I believe that its none of my business what pedophiles do in the privacy of their own cell blocks.


So this Cinco de Mayo, I will not participate in any cultural appropriation. For instance, you will not catch me at the local Chipotle or Taco Bell, telling the fast food worker to "andele with that order, senor!" Nor will you catch me posting any of those racist 'Mexican word of the day' memes like this one:

No, no. Instead, I plan on total immersion and full appreciation of this Mexican culture. In fact, I am currently posting this from the middle of a caravan full of Mexicans heading north towards the U.S. border in hopes of crossing illegally to escape this godforsaken place.

Yo, Juan! ¡√Āndale! ¡Arriba!

Friday, May 4, 2018

Smokey and the Dumbit

White House Press Briefing w/ Sarah Sanders - 5/3/18


17:00.
SARAH: Brian.

BRIAN: A couple quick questions. Does the president believe he's above the law, and...

SARAH: No.

BRIAN: ...and does he prefer to sit down with Kim Jung-Un [vacant stare and pregnant pause from reporter who forgot where he was for a second, probably due to drug abuse] ...before or after?

SARAH: I'll answer the first question. No. Go ahead.

BRIAN: Thank you. And does he prefer to sit down with Kim Jung-un versus Bob Mueller?

SARAH: I certainly think that the president feels like stopping a nuclear war and helping to protect the safety and security of people across the globe [Blade's edit: as opposed to sitting down with an out-of-control prosecutor who is off the rails and working directly for the democrat machine in trying to lay groundwork for a bogus coup Impeachment] would certainly be the number one priority of the president of the United States, and certainly I would think be the priority that most Americans would share and support the president doing.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Monday, April 30, 2018

FOX SAYS, BLADE SAYS

Today's top stories at foxnews.

FOX SAYS: Owner of NYC bar that booted man in MAGA hat getting death threats

The owner of the West Village bar that botted a Trump supporter wearing a “Make America Great Again” cap says he’s received nearly two dozen death threats since the incident.

BLADE SAYS: On the bright side, there has been a run on pussy hats and Appletinis at the bar.

FOX SAYS: South Korea to remove its propaganda loudspeakers amid diplomatic breakthrough

The loudspeakers blasted anti-communist propaganda and K-pop songs since early 2016.

BLADE SAYS: It would be a shame for these anti-communist propaganda speakers to go to waste, and therefore we recommend they be stacked outside Bernie Sander's Washington D.C. townhouse. 

FOX SAYS: ...what happened to Macron's gifted oak tree

News photographers snapped away Monday when Trump and Macron shoveled dirt onto the tree during a ceremonial planting on the South Lawn. By the end of the week, the tree was gone from the lawn. A pale patch of grass was left in its place.

BLADE SAYS: In a strange coincidence, White House press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was spotted fleeing the area carrying a shovel, and so-called comedian Michelle Wolf has not been seen since.
THE END

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Holes 2

Holes 2 coming to a theater (or North Korean prison camp) near you!

Directed by the original film's child star, Shia LaBeouf, and 100% filmed thru his livestream go-pro camera, the story will follow North Korean leader Kim Jong Un and South Korean President Moon Jae-in as they traverse the North's countryside. Smiling and holding hands, the Korean leaders applaud the citizens as they dig holes and forage for food in the plutonium-rich desert soil. Like the original movie, the sequel also has an ancient family curse as a back story for the inbred dictator from the north - and occasionally Li'l Rocket Boy will pick up a shovel and dig one shovel full but quickly gets winded before he can show his new friend where he buried one of his uncles. Eventually, the Korean leaders tire of LaBeof chanting, "he will not divide us!," and they bury him in a very deep and freshly dug crevice.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Prayers for Baby Alfie and his parents

Prayers for Baby Alfie and his parents, vicitms of Britain's socialized free health care. As of this posting, the little fella is still fighting and alive against all odds and intentions of the British doctors and death panel bureaucrats. (Not that our country has any moral authority).

I am reminded of the treatment of Otto Warmbier at the hands of his North Korean torturers, denied food and oxygen. At least North Korea had the decency to release Otto to his family before he finally died from the abuse.

On Glenn Beck's program yesterday, Stu Burguiere said something to the effect that, if this were his son and he died in that Liverpool hospital - AND as the father, he wasn't in jail from trying to storm the gates to free him - he would consider it a failure. I agree, but not to disparage this poor father in the least. After all, the only gun he would be able to get his hands on over there would be to make one out of Legos.

That's why we can't let the left take our health care sytem (what's left of it) or our guns.

LEGO BABY ALFIE ESCAPES LIVERPOOL DEATH CAMP WITH THE HELP OF FATHER'S LEGO 9MM GLOCK

Meanwhile, In Legoland's upper-crust bourgeoisie quarters where babies  aren't tortured to death against their parent's wishes...

Lego Royal Family Gets New Lego Member At Legoland
Just days after the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge welcomed their new son into the world, the royal baby has made his Lego debut. 

Legoland Windsor Resort ― which happens to be located near the residence of the infant’s great-grandmother, Queen Elizabeth ― has welcomed the royal family’s Lego counterparts to the park’s Miniland attraction.
xx

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Fun Earth Day Facts

Fun Earth Day facts!

1)  In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. (Genesis 1:1) A few years later on April 22, 1970, Earth Day was founded by United States Senator Gaylord Nelson.

2) The word 'earth' is a synonym for 'soil'. This is probably not a coincidence, though why we don't celebrate Soil Day, I have no idea.

3) Scientists say that it takes about 500 years for plastic to decompose. Except for Nancy Pelosi. She decomposed a long time ago.

4) The earth isn’t round. It is an oblate spheroid, which makes me wonder why our planet wasn't named 'Hillary' or 'Mooshell'. Maybe in an adjacent dimension, folks are celebrating Oprah Day.

5) The Earth is fragile.  Its surface is split into tectonic plates which float on a rocky mantle. Sort of like Pelosi's dentures.

6)  Scientists say the earth weighs about 6,588,000,000,000 million tons, and the average person makes about four pounds of garbage every day. Therefore, if 108 billion people have ever been born with an average lifespan of say... 50 years-ish - and if one ton equals 2,000 pounds, AND the Earth is in fact exactly 4.543 billion years old... [nineteen gazillion and six... carry the one...] then it has to be comprised entirely of garbage. Happy Garbage Day!

That's about all we know about Earth at this point.

As for the so-called Earth Day, it is a secular holiday celebrated by atheists and agnostics. Earth is their god, pseudoscience is their religion and abortion is their sacrament. In their safe space Tide Pod eating world, there are an inexhaustible number of genders. They do not believe that "God created man in the image of himself, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27). "For if there is a God," they say, "then when did He create the LGBTQIA and sometimes Y and W?"

ANSWER: He didn't. That is the serpent's doing.

Earth Day-ers also believe in man-made climate change, and that our fragile climate is on the verge of collapsing unless there is an mmediate accelerated redistribution of wealth. Some of them even believe that George W Bush invented a secret Republican climate change machine and that President Trump signs his executive orders with polar bear blood.



These Earth Day-ers like to think they are the ones who embrace science by rejecting the 'make-believe daddy in the sky,' yet they don't recognize human babies as actual life when in their mother's womb. That's science?


So while the progressive socialist democrat marxist secular atheist agnostics celebrate Earth Day by prancing around their cauldrons of boiling baby blood, I will be celebrating today like I celebrate every Sunday - by going to church and worshiping God and thanking Him for his wonderful creation.

We are stardust
We are golden
And we've got to get ourselves
Back to the garden

Friday, April 20, 2018

Fake Starbucks Coupons Keep Popping Up

Fake coupons are popping up promising free Starbucks coffee for African Americans

“This is completely false and in no way associated with Starbucks,” a company spokeswoman told The Chattering Teeth Blog. "These fake coupons are an Internet hoax and contain symbols of white supremacy."

"Here is our actual coupon offering a choice of a free Watermelon Latte or purple drank for African Americans with slave blood only."


Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Starbucks Racial-bias Education Day

Starbucks to close stores on May 29 for barista racial-bias education day

Starbucks will close 8,000 of the company's U.S.-based locations to train 175,000 employees and address implicit bias, promote inclusion and help prevent discrimination.

This is in response to the public outrage after two men were arrested in a Philadelphia Starbucks for 'loitering while black'. They claim they had every intention of 'caffeinating while black', which is still legal in parts of the country, but were waiting for a business associate.

Chattering Teeth Blog has confirmed this business associate's identity as possible being none other than the notorious 'Dr Snoop Ice Crack Daddy'. But really, what does that have to do with the outrageous price of tea in a Chinese Starbucks?

In any case, we here at the CT studios raise our steaming mugs filled to the brim with cheaper and tastier home brewed coffee and salute this thinly veiled virtue signalling by Starbucks. In fact, this calls for another one of those "Weak and Bitter" Coffee Salutes Obama made famous.


So this got my fertile and highly caffeine-soaked synapses sparking, while simultaneously blocking my neurotransmitter adenosine's receptors. If Starbucks is closed on May 29 for racial-bias education day, then I call the next day when they re-open on May 30th to be recognized as Barista Profiling Test Day. What better way to show our appreciation to this over-priced coffee outlet than to test their employees to ensure their re-education indoctrination mind-control camps actually worked and these lessons took?

My problem is, that as a product of white male priviledge, I expect to be immediately hustled to the front of the line upon entering this crowded cafe. The only way to see if abhorent barista behavior has been modified is if their stores are suddenly flooded with homeless black men wearing ripe rags and shopping carts filled with their entire wordly possessions in tow, cruising back and forth while arguing with themselves. Your serve, Starbucks.

On second thought, I can still test the baristas for racial bias, even while dripping with the stank of white male priviledge. I just need to disguise myself as a white liberal progressive filled with guilt, since it's well known that libprogs are racists to the core and Starbucks is a leftist libprog organization.

~ ~ DREAM SEQUENCE ~ ~

May 30, 2018, at a local Starbucks:
So after wrestling my 220-lb manly frame into a fluffy blouse and skinny jeans, I check my rouge and eye shadow from my compact, adjust my clip-on earring (left is 'right'?) and approach the counter...

BARISTA: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you today?

BLADE: I like my coffee like I like my women...

BARISTA: We only serve coffee like we serve women. Fetus free. You like women?

[I slink away, thinking my liberal 'man' disguise might be a little much. I go into the bathroom of indiscriminate gender and wash off the makeup and lose the ear and nipple rings. I return to the counter to try again...]

BLADE: Yes, I like my coffee like I like my women... Can you guess how that is?...

[I've laid the trap perfectly. If the barista says a racially charged joke in bad taste - something like, 'black and bitter' - then I will know their education did not take.]

BARISTA: Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the Andes behind a donkey?

[Hmmm. Starbuck's racial-bias education day apparently didn't cover gender discrimination (or domestic abuse).]

BLADE: I like my coffee like I like my women. Double barreled K-cups. Blonde Roast, mild and slightly nutty.

THE END

PICTURED: Sensitive to the criticism, President Obama now stops and gives a proper salute to every Starbucks and coffee shop he passes.


Saturday, April 14, 2018

Business as usual in Syria (rubble is rubble)

WATCH Syrian President Assad Report to Work After US Missile Strike Mere hours after a US-led missile strike hit targets across Syria, the country's President Bashar Assad arrived for work, undaunted by the Western powers' coordinated act of aggression.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Congress grills Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!!!



weird and awkward moments from two days of Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional hearing

Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL) invoked his love of chocolate. “I’m communicating with my friends on Facebook, and indicate that I love a certain kind of chocolate. And, all of a sudden, I start receiving advertisements for chocolate. What if I don’t want to receive those commercial advertisements?”

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) told Zuckerberg, “I’m a proud member of Facebook, just got a post from my sister on this being National Sibling Day.”

Rep. Larry Bucshon (R-IN), My son likes buying suits and then saw ads for suits online. If you’re not listening to us on the phone, who is?

It's about time that congress got to work on behalf of the American people and asked these tough and probing questions. Could it be possible that Facebook and all the big tech companies try to have it both ways by trying to pass themselves off as a  neutral public forum, yet exhibit a pervasive political bias against conservatives?

 CRUZ: Does Facebook consider itself a neutral public forum?

ZUKERPUNK: Senator, we consider ourselves to be a platform for ideas

CRUZ: Then for the love of God, tell this congress and all of my Facebook friends for the final time which cup fills up first!?

ZUKERPUNK: It's a trick question, senator. Some of the tubes are closed... or are they? And ask yourself this - Is there enough coffee in the pot to actually get to where you think it will?

CRUZ: There are a great many Americans who are deeply concerned that Facebook is engaged in a pervasive pattern of addictive puzzle memes. Would you like to explain to the American people what exactly is the purpose of this confusing McDonalds puzzle, if not to divide us?

ZUKERPUNK: I'm sorry senator, I don't drink coffee.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Special counsel Robert Mueller caught on Cohen's trail cam

If you look closely, you can just pick him up in the foreground...
I wonder what he was after that is related to Russian collusion?
Meanwhile, a herd of wild immigrants is caravaning towards our southern border and Governor Moonbeam is not cooperating with our military...

I saw a meme somewhere that said something like: - Kids threaten to shoot up a school and the FBI does nothing. Rumors of Trump sleeping with Stormy Daniels?

Saturday, April 7, 2018

President Trump and the Princess Bribe Mueller

Trump begins informal prep for potential Mueller interview

The following is exclusive coverage from CT news:

MUELLER: Where is the Russian collusion? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right.

TRUMP: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the collusion into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a smart man with a good brain would put the collusion into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, I am a very, very smart person, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me, this I will tell you.

MUELLER:  You've made your decision then?

TRUMP:Not remotely, believe me. Because the "Russian collusion" narrative comes from the Clinton campaign and their fake dossier, as everyone knows, and the Clinton campaign is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

MUELLER:  Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

TRUMP:Some people would say the very best intellect. Amazing intellect. Now, where was I?

MUELLER:  The Clinton campaign.

TRUMP:Ah Yes, Crooked Hillary. And you must have suspected I would have known the Russian collusion rumor's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

MUELLER: You're just stalling now.

TRUMP: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've charged my former national security advisor and retired general, Michael Flynn with  making false statements to the FBI, which means you're exceptionally strong in setting perjury traps, so you could've put the collusion in your own goblet, trusting your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also indicted my former campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, for tax evasion and bank fraud, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the collusion as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

MUELLER: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

TRUMP: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE COLLUSION IS!

MUELLER:  Then make your choice.

TRUMP:  I will, and I choose... what in the world can that be?

[Trump gestures up and away from the table. Mueller looks backwards. Trump swaps the goblets]

MUELLER:  What? Where? I don't see anything.

TRUMP: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.

[Trump and the Mueller drink]

MUELLER:  You guessed wrong.

TRUMP: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - the most famous of which is "never get involved in a trade war in China" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a very successful businessman when impeachment is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

[Trump stops suddenly, his smile frozen on his face and falls to the ground dead]

BUTTERCUP: And to think, all that time the collusion was in your cup.

MUELLER:  They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to leading flawed and inaccurate investigations like the anthrax case, and I am  nothing more than a political hack prosecutor and deep state attack dog with the sole purpose of helping to take down Trump with a damaging report full of bullshit that the democrats can use to lead impeachment proceedings once they take back the house in the midterms. Trump's ego was his downfall, as there was no right answer he could have given, as my report is already written.

THE END

[Disclaimer: Any resemblance of the above dialog to that from the movie, The Princess Bride is not coincidental. If I did a top 10 list of my favorite movies, then this would make the cut... I think... I guess I have to do a list to be sure]

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Caravanus Interruptus

Chattering Teeth News - Glenn Beck is at the chalk board again, this time with a plan to assist the National Guard in protecting our southern border. Thanks to President Trump, help is on the way with the ordering of the military to deploy and assist the Border Patrol in stopping the thousand-plus migrant caravan making their way north to our welfare state and ensuring perpetual democrat socialist rule.

But what if our military is late in arriving? That is where Beck's plan comes in.
"We need a way to distract them at the border in order to give the National Guard time to get there," explained Beck to this CT reporter.

Ways to distract the migrant caravan
1) Lettuce - something for the migrant men
2) Laundry - something for the migrant women
3) Sombreros - spread out and speakers playing traditional music in attempt to trigger the siesta gene in the stragglers, causing them to pull the brim of the sombrero over their eyes and put them into a naping state.

YOU'RE WELCOME
(April 5th Fools)

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Dino Bullying

Today's CT short comes from the Science Daily:

Extinct monitor lizard had four eyes, fossil evidence shows
Researchers have evidence that an extinct species of monitor lizard had four eyes, a first among known jawed vertebrates. Today, only the jawless lampreys have four eyes
It may be too late to help this extinct monitor lizard from being bullied by dick horned triceratopsises, but give now to help stop the bullying of the jawless lamprey and the merciless bullying they must hear at school about their head and mouth gear.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Happy Easter! He is Risen!!

Easter Jaws

Mrs. Kintner: Chief Brody?

Brody: Yes?

*Mrs. Kintner slaps Brody and sobs*

Mrs. Kintner: I just found out, that a girl got her Easter eggs kidnapped last year, and you knew it! You knew there was a bunny out there! You knew it was mischievous! But you let kids color Easter eggs anyway? You knew all those things! But still my boy's eggs are hidden. And there's nothing you can do about it. My boy's eggs are hidden and he can't find them all. I wanted you to know that.

[Mrs. Kintner walks away]

Mayor Vaughn: I'm sorry, Martin. She's wrong.

Brody: No, she's not.

Hooper: They caught a bunny. Not THE bunny.  This is a carrot-eater.

Mayor Vaughn:  I am not gonna stand here and see that thing cut open and see what's left of that little Kintner boy's Cadbury eggs spill out all over the dock!

The saga continued:

Quint: Anti-bunny basket. You put fake grass inside the wicker basket?

[Hooper nods]

Quint: Basket goes in the living room, colored eggs in the 'fridge and you go bed. Bunny's in the living room? Our bunny?

[Hooper nods]

Quint: [sings] Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.

T'was the night before Easter, and all thru Quint's Houseboat...


Didn’t see the first bunny until I was five – a tiger – thirteen footer. You know how you know that when the bunny is in your house, Chief? You lay in bed and look toward your darkened closet and see the shadow of floppy ears and the cotton tail. What my brothers and I didn’t know was our Easter mission to stay awake had been so secret, no distress signal to mom or dad had been sent. They didn’t even list us overdue 'til mornin'. Very first light, Chief, bunny come cruisin’. So we formed ourselves into tight groups…the idea was, the bunny comes to the nearest boy and he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’. Sometimes the bunny go away. Sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometimes that bunny, he looks right into ya, right into your eyes. Y’know, the thing about a bunny, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes after ya, he doesn’t seem to be livin’ until he takes your colored eggs, and those black eyes roll over white, and then – aww, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin’, the bedsheet turns wet and yellow, and in spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, he come in hippity hoppity and rip ya carrot snacks to pieces…in that first dawn, we lost a dozen eggs. I don’t know how many carrots, maybe a thousand. I don’t know how many eggs. he averaged six an hour… 8am Easter morning, mom called us. She put the coffee on and called us…and when we didn't answer, we heard her coming down the hallway from the kitchen to pick us up. You know, that was the time I was most frightened – waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never wear bunny pajamas again. So, four boys went to bed, four men come out, and the bunny took the boys, Sunday, April the 10th, 1966. Anyway, he delivered the chocolate and hid the eggs.


That's some bad hat, Harry.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Sister Jean (sung to the tune of Billie Jean, by Michael Jackson)

Michigan takes on Loyola-Chicago tonight. Go Blue!
I  'wrote' a song about Sister Jean for just this occasion.

Note: Sister Jean Dolores Schmidt is the 98-year-old nun who serves as the chaplain for Loyola-Chicago’s basketball team and sends each player a personalized scouting report before each game.

Sister Jean (sung to the tune of Billie Jean, by Michael Jackson)

She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene
I said don't mind, but what do you mean, I am the one
Who will dance on the floor in the Final round
She said I am the one, who will dance on the floor in the Final round


She told me her name was Sister Jean, as she caused a scene
Then every Loyola-Chicago head turned and dreamed of being the one
Who will dance on the floor in the Final round


People always told us be careful who you drew
Just go around breaking old nuns' hearts
And Coach Beilein always told us be careful of who you shove
And be careful but Go Blue! 'cause Michigan basketball is the truth


Sister Jean is not my mother
She's just a nun who claims that they are the one
But her kids are one and done
She says they are the one, but her kids are one and done


For Final Four days and Final Four nights
The press was on her side
But who can stand when she's in demand
Her schemes and plans
'Cause we'll dance on the floor in the Final round


So take my strong advice, just remember to always think twice
(Don't think twice, don't think twice)
Coach Beilien told us to shoot the three, then she looked at me
Then the Rambler's cried their eyes like a sign divine (oh, no!)
'Cause the Wolverines danced on the floor in the Final round


People always told me, hail to the victors and Go Blue!
Just go around breaking old nuns' hearts
Wolve's celebrated in the locker room
Just the smell of sweat perfume
Chicago is going to gloom
The Ramblers met their doom


Sister Jean is not my mother
She's just a nun who claims that they are the one
But her kids are one and done
She says they are the one, but her kids are one and done

Sister Jean is not my mother
Sister Jean is not my mother
Sister Jean is not my mother
Sister Jean is not my mother
Sister Jean is not my mother

THE END

and now, because the tune is in your head...
Michael Jackson - Billie Jean (Official Video)