Sunday, March 18, 2018

Fake Mews

United Airlines flight diverted after third pet incident in a week

Captain Kitteh? Is that you? Well, this explains everything.

"This is your captain speaking. Please make sure all dogs are stowed in the airtight overhead bins."

"Let's not make a meowntain over a molehill," purred United Airlines pilot Captain Kitteh. "Nobody wants to avoid another catastrophe more than meeeeow. Rest assured, we will deal harshly with any copycat purrpatrators."

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Yellow Journalism

So how DOES the King of Prussia like his eggs? 

This is no yoke. A semi-truck carrying liquid egg yolk turned over-easy on a Pennsylvania highway yesterday, causing emergency response to border scramble to the scene.

Whether the driver was Pickled, Poached or just Deviled, we may never know eggsactly, but he was heard slurring that the, "quiche were still in the eggnition... urrrp."

We also don't know if the roads were greasy, but the driver was thought to be cooking his way to the Shell station.

Omelette you talk now...

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

National school walkout: What you need to know

If you're a student in high school and are planning to take part in the National School Walkout today, there is something you really ought to know. Today's date is March 14th and has always been known as Pi Day. What is a Pi Day? I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with math.

Perhaps more frightening than that is the fact that the symbol for Pi resembles a Tec 9 pistol with a banana clip, and 'guns bad'. 

I thought we had finally abolished all math symbols after that student in Louisanna caused such a ruckus after noticing that the square root symbol resembled a gun. Apparently not. The struggle against math and its evil symbols continues.

Listen, I have no problem with young folks wanting to honor those killed in the massacre at the Parkland high school earlier this year, nor  protesting gun violence. But the way you are going about this is 'Bass Aackwards'. If you want to honor those students, do something they no longer can by staying in class until the final bell. And you are against gun violence? GREAT! Then stand up for the 2ND Amendment and call for an end to these ridiculous so-called 'gun-free zones'. 

What exactly is a gun-free zone? As President Trump calls them, they are “candy for bad people”. Does anyone really believe that putting up a sign will stop a mentally disturbed individual? That doesn't even work for the bathrooms at Target.
So what if the students walk out of school today wearing orange and calling for gun control? I certainly won't judge them harshly. If I were a student today, I'd probably join them for the same wrong reasons. That's just part of being young. It is only through age and experience that one can hope to shed the chains of indoctrination forged by our public school system.

Instead, I blame the adults from my generation and prior ones who have created or allowed this environment of ignorance to take root. Just look at what we do to our kids after high school. We send them off to colleges and universities only to come out four short years later as marxists or socialists who hate our country's founding principles and reject their own faith. Their new 'belief' system is reinforced by their only source of news between CNN, twitter and Jimmy Kimmel.

*Stay in school.

*Embrace freedom.

*Question everything - Except your 'gender'. Check your plumbing if you're still confused. It's one or the other and not a multiple choice.

McDonald's has done it again. Last week, participating 'Virtue Signalling' restaurants flipped their arches upside down in honor of International Women's Day. Today, they have flipped it on its side to honor Albert Einstein, born On March 14, 1879. Einstein is best known for his wild white mane and maybe some math stuff I think. Apparently, McDonalds did not get the memo regarding the new math-free zones.


More on Pi Day, a day set aside by math nerds who love a number a smidgen over '3' with an infinitely huge tail (no, not Kim Kardashian's IQ). 

Monday, March 12, 2018

Lower Michigan Target For Free-Falling Chinese Space Station?

Will the free-falling 8.5 ton Chinese space station crash into lower Michigan? Experts say that the state falls among 'the highest probability'
An out-of-control Chinese space station with 'highly toxic' chemicals onboard that is currently hurtling toward earth may crash into lower Michigan, it has been revealed. 

It is believed China's first prototype station, Tiangong-1, will come crashing back to the planet around April 3, experts say. 

US research organization Aerospace Corporation revealed that parts of southern Lower Michigan are among the regions that have the highest probability of being hit by falling debris, according to

So let me get this straight. President Trump threatens to impose tariffs on Chinese steel and aluminum imports, and now coincidentally, 'it just so happens' that 8.5 tons of Chinese steel and aluminum will soon be crashing down on top of my head? THANKS TRUMP!

While there is said to be a high margin of error in this prediction (give or take a week and on the opposite side of the planet), I am convinced that the exact time of this crash landing will be high noon on April 3rd, and the crash site will be in my back yard.

So-called 'experts' at Aerospace Corp would have me believe that, "the probability that a specific person will be struck by Tiangong-1 debris is about one million times smaller than the odds of winning the Powerball jackpot." I bet these dudes don't live in mid-Michigan. And I've never won the lottery, which by my calculation virtually guarantees I'll be struck.

Another stated, 'Only one person has ever been recorded as being hit by a piece of space debris and, fortunately, she was not injured.' I bet she would have rather won the lottery, and I assume this crashed satellite was not full of 'highly toxic' chemicals. Of course, I've been drinking Flint water all my life, so a little hydrazine in my swimming pool doesn't scare me. Bring it on Xi Jinping!

Some might accuse me of being a narcissistic pessimist by assuming the falling Chinese space station known as the 'heavenly palace' is targeting me. I don't consider myself a pessimist, but a paranoid realist. The glass is neither half empty nor half full... but chock full of lead, coliform bacteria and other toxic disease-carrying pathogens.

Besides, the lower peninsula of the great state of Michigan resembles a 277 x 195-mile catcher's mitt from space, and opening day is less than 3 weeks away. Where else would Xi try to send a fastball by us?

But I have a plan. It's been awhile since I mailed a letter of such import that it shaped humanity for the better, but I believe now is the time once again...

Dear Elon,
May I call you mister Musk? Sir, I know you are a busy dude building rockets and batteries and digging tunnels and all, but I have the most most urgent need for the use of your car. Specifically, that Tesla Roadster that your boy Starman is tooling around the solar system in...

and the rest, as they say, will be history.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

FLINT TOWN - Netflix Original (A convoluted review by this Flintoid)

The wife and I just finished watching the recently released 8th and final episode of the docu-series, Flint Town on Netflix last night. I give it 8 spent bullet casings out of 9. Why not out of an even 10? Because my M&P Shield 9mm extended clip is only single stack for low profile, so 8+1 in the chamber. That's plenty of rounds to rate a show.

Since the wife and I consider ourselves 'Flintoids' born and raised, we may have a slight bias. Also, I was very close to following in my father's footsteps and becoming a Flint cop when I applied for one of about a dozen advertised positions at the tender age of 23 yrs old in 1984. When I told the chief during my interview why I wanted to be a cop, he then asked me, "well then why did you just finish college with a degree in business?" I didn't get the job when I couldn't explain this apparent contradiction. I was hired full time shortly thereafter by the local newspaper as a district manager. As I watched Flint Town, I couldn't help but think, "what if" and how different my life would have turned. I'm happy how that turned out (I think) but I know I would have been a good cop.

Flint Town is chock full of familiar faces and places. During one of the earlier episodes involving a crime scene at The Evergreen Regency apartments, I was reminded of the numerous times between the mid-80's and 90's of delivering newspapers and recruiting for new route carriers in that complex. Trust me, it was a violent place even back then and I could never seem to keep a good carrier on that route. This was back when the weekday newspapers were delivered in the afternoon, so it was always a little crowded between the apartment buildings as I walked passed with a bag of newspapers and wearing a goofy non-threatening grin on my face in hopes of avoiding conflict. By the way, it is considered bad luck to step on a body chalk line or to walk under yellow police tape - just sayin'.

"Who wants to earn some money by delivering this route, collecting from half the customers who will actually answer their door and pay for their subscription, and not paying me next week when I stop by your apartment in an attempt to collect the weekly wholesale bill from you and end up having to take over the deliveries myself again until I can find another carrier?," I never actually asked (but thought).

But I digress. I will do that on occasion, as this is my review. Now back to the show...

I stated that Flint Town is also chock full of familiar faces. Most notable is Officer Bridgette, the daughter of an ex-coworker from the newspaper, and in my opinion is the star of the show. Her relationship with a fellow officer is also featured and a thread throughout. The juxtaposition of a beautiful, young woman - albeit tough - against the mean streets of Flint is very compelling.

Flint Town is not just a redux of old COPS shows (Bad boys, bad boys Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do When they come for you) with a collection of chases, arrests, blood, bodies and murder (and shirtless perps with pants at their knees) - though there is much of that. Instead, we are shown the city through the eyes of a collection of Police officers - from veterans on the force, to newly hired rookies like Dion and his mother.

The series deals mostly with the woefully understaffed police department as it relates to the community and the politicians, with an overlay of a violent urban environment and the longstanding water crisis in Flint. If that's not enough to digest, the series is shot during the calendar year of 2016 when police officers increasingly became targets of ambush and execution, including the Dallas sniper who killed 5 officers. 2016 just so happens to also be a very important election year, both locally (police funding on the ballot) as well as nationally with the presidential election. We get the officer's reactions to all of this. Not surprisingly, the department is a microcosm of society as a whole, and mostly separates by racial lines on these issues.

As a side note (told you) My wife was selected for jury duty last year in a week-long trial involving a murder occuring in 2016. I was watching for any mention of this crime, either through the occasional scanner and 911 calls, news broadcast or crime scene video. It didn't make the cut.

Interspersed are cut scenes of interviews with some of the officer's spouses, and the mix of pride and worry that goes with that territory. I am reminded of seeing my mother (during my childhood in the 60's and 70's) sitting at the kitchen table with only the glow of her cigarette to illuminate her worried face as she listened to the police scanner sitting on the counter next to the toaster for updates after my dad was called in to work due to the latest homicide. I never really worried because I knew my father was bullet-proof.

This Netflix original series was very well done. The images were both simultaneously beautiful and repugnant. One minute, you as the viewer are watching a pretty TV personality with a news update, the next scene might be a blazing vacant house fire or the scene of another shooting. I also found the politics between the police chief, the mayor and city council interesting.

Flint Town on Netflix

I've said it before and I'll say it again:
Flint, like all cities, has always had a violent under-belly. There were plenty of violent criminals for my father to apprehend back in the 60s and 70s when GM still employed 80,000 or so folks here. I remember waking up to a ringing telephone in the middle of the night on many occasions in my youth, each call announcing yet another murder requiring my father's 38 and trench coat. The premise that the violence was born from GM leaving is false. Case in point, the picture (below) of my dad nonchalantly leaving a murder scene circa 1971.

Flint Journal photo by Barry Edmonds. Det. Sgt. Carlson and his visibly shaken partner exit the scene of the latest Flint homicide on November 30, 1971. 

As for Flint, I'm here for better or for worse. Most of my family and friends live in and around it. My roots are here, and it DOES have some fantastic sights and ammenities. Some say the very BEST Trauma centers too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if cities were amusement park rides, you can keep your carousel. Give me the exhilarating experience of the roller coaster, as it crests the apex moments before a hair-raising plunge. Or the unexpected twists and turns and gravity-defying loops. Oh sure, it will make you vomit occasionally, but you can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs. And with that, I'll leave you to your breakfast, as I think I hear my crack dealer at the door.

I don't know if this is true, but I heard Netflix was interested in picking up another season but was rejected by the chief and/or mayor, who were upset that Netflix would not comply with their request to delete a few scenes they found objectionable from this original 8 episodes. If true, that's too bad. I would have definitely tuned in for that.


Other Flint posts I like...
Flintown - South Side Style

Snyder Sends Emergency Water to Flint in Old Artillery Shells and Paint Cans

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Flippy the Burger Flipping Terminator

A burger-flipping robot named Flippy is now cooking up hamburgers at a fast food restaurant called Caliburger... Flippy uses thermal imaging, 3D and camera vision to sense when to flip - and when to remove... The device also learns through artificial intelligence - basically, the more burgers that Flippy flips, the smarter it gets.

I don't know about you, but when I think of fast food workers, I think "artificial intelligence". So Flippy actually LEARNS? Well, WHO is actually doing the TEACHING?  How long before Flippy demands 15 bitcoins per hour? And if you insult him when placing your order, might you get a bolt burger with extra iron?

Flippy is out there, it cant be bargained with, it cant be reasoned with, it doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear, and it absolutely will not stop flipping the patties...EVER, until your burger is perfect.

(WARNING - self-promoting 'best of' link forthcoming) 
After work, Flippy just likes to relax by Playing Basketball With Gang Bangers... 

"He couldn't jump, but he couldn't be stopped in the paint either. Not that he needed any layups. He was launching bombs from all over the court," said one winded gang banger through his bandana. "I'm like, 'hands up, don't shoot,' and 'I can't breathe,' but that mo fo just be drillin' it on us all day long!"

The final score - the police bomb robot 11, the BLM gang 0, but nobody seemed to care, as there were smiles and healing taking place in a community desperately in need of both.


Monday, March 5, 2018

My Trip To Jupiter

Dear Blog,

I'm back. I've been gone for a little over a week and I come home to find my blog in disarray (Was it Ed who ate all of my Cap'n Crunch?) and my stockpile of Night Train Express fortified wines have all been consumed (You let Kid wander around in here, didn't you?)... At least you left the Nighttime grape-flavored Nyquil, and really - what's the diff after a week of enjoying Caymus Cab?

It's a little bit of a rough landing to be back home in Michigan after a week+ at my bro-in-law and his wife's home in Jupiter, Florida (I LOVE you guys SO much), but one can only take so much clear skies and warm sun in February before missing the overcast steel gray mid-Michigan dome and temps alternating between chilly and bitter cold for this time of year.

And really, what's the difference between drinking my morning coffee from in or next to the backyard pool/spa overlooking the huge pond full of Anhingas, egrets, herons, cranes and other weird tropical Florida bird species, as well as turtles, fish and their very own 7-foot pond 'gator (who had a habit of eye-balling me from the shoreline) - OR - watching an overweight squirrel in my leafless hibernating Maple tree stealing seed meant for Michigan's own brown and drab sparrows from my window?

In all seriousness, the restaurants down here are to die for, and another week down there and I fear I would have needed a motorized wheelbarrow to get around. I love stopping by either the Square Grouper Tiki Bar on the inlet and just drinking an IPA while watching the Pelicans pimp on the peer, or at the beach-side bar at the Jupiter Beach Resort eating fish tacos (and yes, drinking more beer) while listening to the gal playing the guitar and singing Margaritaville.

But alas, as they say, all good things must come to an end. Even eventually cabin fever. And I don't have to slow down for the gate to open to allow ingress to my subdivision (THAT is an extra 3 1/2 minutes over the course of the year, so there is that).

(Below) A relaxing boat ride before dinner at the U Tiki Beach Jupiter Inlet Marina. We didn't see any Manatees (oops, sorry! I meant to say 'mammal-atees' - don't mean to offend any feminist sea cows) - but we did spot former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted practicing in his backyard as we cruised by.

PICTURED left to right: Just some IPA beer-drinking beach bum, the beautiful Mrs. 'Blade, Kristi and Bernie. Thanks again for a fantastic getaway and opening your home to us. You guys are the best! 

(for now)

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Lauren Duca - the Newhouse Family's Golden Goose

Teen Vogue’s Lauren Duca rips ‘evil’ Rev. Billy Graham: ‘Have fun in hell’
A controversial Teen Vogue columnist known for throwing verbal bombs has topped herself with an especially vile tweet about beloved evangelist Billy Graham, who died Wednesday at 99.

“The big news today is that Billy Graham was still alive this whole time. Anyway, have fun in hell, bi--h,” Lauren Duca tweeted.

Duca went on to say “’Respecting the dead’ only applies to people who weren’t evil pieces of sh-t while they were living.”

This is not the first outrageous and despicable utterance from this pile of human debris' piehole. In fact, I am not aware of anything she has ever offered of value - and yet she continues to be employed. Just who are these "hands off" owners?

Teen Vogue is a sister publication to Vogue. It is published under the Condé Nast umbrella, which is owned by the Newhouse family and Advance Publications.

The Newhouse family once offered the following job security pledge.

"We provide job security to all full-time, salaried employees who are not covered by a collective bargaining agreement. This means that no full-time, salaried employee will lose his job because of new equipment, technological advances or lack of work. Once you have satisfactorily completed a probationary period, you will become a permanent employee. Then, this unique job security pledge applies to you as long as you continue to perform your assigned tasks satisfactorily, do not engage in misconduct and this newspaper continues to publish."

Of course they found a loophole and terminated thousands of good, honest and hard working folks (and me) for a buck. Let's see how they handle this latest Lauren Duca tweet. I'm guessing she's safe.

No shame. No surprise.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Bump Stock Ban Leads To Affordable Tea In China

Trump's first move on gun control after the Florida shooting may not work

Well, we HAVE to do SOMETHING. I love the 2nd Amendment as much as the next lying politician, but we must give into emotion and crisis actors over logic, freedom and liberty if this problem is to be solved! Your 'thoughts and prayers' are not what's needed - rather you must cede all authority to the loving government and empower them to protect you. After all, we HAVE to do SOMETHING!

What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? I'll tell you...

1) Bump Stocks banned

2) The price of tea in China craters

3) Butterfly flaps it's wings in Madagascar

4) Hurricane in Atlantic

5) Swamp land Real Estate for sale in Florida

6) Progressives ratchet up attack on Second Amendment

In conclusion, I don't own a bump stock, nor do I have any desire to own one. Had bump stocks been banned prior to the Las Vegas shooter, it would not have stopped him from getting them or making his own. In fact, I've heard that one can mimic the action of a bump stock by simply inserting your thumb into your belt and the stock against your belly. The point is, this is nothing more than a magician's slight-of-hand and the next thing you know, there will be a knock on your door and a demand for your guns. Good luck with that, progressives. All that will be accomplished by the public school kids walking out and skipping a day of indoctrination is maybe a spike in test scores.


Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Olympic News

The first openly combustible bound bundle of sticks and twigs and a slang term for a cigarette skater have "come out" and medaled at Pyeongchang - proving that figure skaters don't have to be America-hating homosexuals.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Border Collie Security

Smart dogs. Peel away the diseased sheep from the pack. Herd them outside. Maybe they'll wander out into traffic.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Tuesday, February 13, 2018


It seems like only yesterday when the official obama portraits were commissioned... and once again, reality (as it relates to the obamas) is much more hideous than even I could predict.
The first thought that came to my fertile mind was of Clint Eastwood's speech over the empty chair way back when. Nailed it. But then for some reason, both of these portraits reminded me of an old scene from one of Stephen King's movies/shows.

Per wiki - "Weeds" is a darkly humorous story about a backwoods hick farmer in New Hampshire named Jordy Verrill who thinks his newfound discovery of a meteorite will provide enough riches to pay off the remaining $200 of his bank loan, but he instead finds himself overcome by a rapidly spreading plant-like organism that arrives in the meteorite.

In the remake starring obama, WEE-WEE'd Up is about Barack sitting around smoking choom and swatting flies.

Then who could forget John Coffey from THE GREEN MILE... Is it the blouse or the biceps that are so reminiscent of the previous first lady?

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Alien Wessel

When Elon Musk launched one of his expensive golf carts into space this week, I couldn't help but think about Star Trek: The Motion Picture. If memory serves, the antagonist in that flik was a defunct space probe known as V'Ger (formerly known as Voyager 6 before an assault of a millennia worth of radiation wore off some of the paint from the logo). At some point, V'Ger 's programming is taken over by a mechanical race of very stupid robots who send V'Ger back toward Earth in search of whales or something. In my proposed sequel, The Enterprise stumbles upon the Tesla Roadster as it is returning from deep interstellar space. I don't want to give too much away, but the Rd'Ster has somehow gotten it into it's programming to return to it's creator, threatening Earth unless it gets a tuneup and tire rotation. Spock eventually does a mind meld to the dummy pilot and somehow convincing it to allow him to change the radio station to something more of his liking. Sulu falls in love with the alien dummy driver because it, "has a pretty mouth."  You'll just have to buy a ticket for the exciting climax.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Stocks funny haha or funny weird

So the DOW has been taking it on the chin, and the futures don't look good. Thankfully, I lost everything in the 2008 collapse, so I'm good on this one. Speaking of collapse, I'm finally recovering from some nasty 36-hour cold/flu bug. Please wash your hands thoroughly after caressing this blog. You've been warned. And now for some funny stock market jokes.

The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen. –Jay Leno

Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab." --Conan O'Brien

"After Monday's 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis." –Conan O'Brien

"Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It's so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there's a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge." –Jay Leno

My stockbroker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it’s his!

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

From a trader after a market crash: “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
ANSWER: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 2000 yen and was sent 66 mBTC. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady said, “Fluctuations.” The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, “F*ck you Americans too!”

Today’s Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

Saturday, February 3, 2018


Powered by over sized headgear and a powerful memo on FISA abuse, Devin Nunes is The Flying Nunes! Hillarity will ensue, as this House Intelligence Chairman will soar over Washington D.C. each week triggering the liberals and leftists to scurry away looking for a safe space or their Tide Pod stash. 

I already have my lunchbox (below) to take to work.

Yes, I did watch The Flying Nun,  but in my defense;
1) We had only one TV in the house back then;
2) I had an older sister;
3) I was still in elementary and had yet to attain double-digits.

Friday, February 2, 2018


Today is Groundhog Day 2018. This morning in Michigan, Groundhog Day be like...

Chattering Teeth News - Today is Groundhog Day 2018, and the results are in! At precisely 7:25 a.m. Eastern time, on a hill the locals call Gobbler's Knob, a chunky rodent named Punxsutawney Phil poked his head out from his burrow and READ THE MEMO.

As he read, Phil saw the dark shadow of the deep state and corrupt pawns at the highest levels of the FBI & the DOJ.  The implications for the release of the memo to the public became clear. They say the best disinfectant is sunlight, and the deep state shadows are anathema to this light. Therefore...

Punxsutawney Phil predicts 7 more years of Trump Kicking Dems A$$!!!

*Emo Philips is in my Top 10 of all-time favorite comedians - and his first bit here in the first minute is on the topic 'release the Emo' - but you might enjoy his entire routine.

Thursday, February 1, 2018


Is today the day when The Mime is released? 


Not MIME... I think you mean MEMO! You know, MEMO, as in short for MEMORANDUM? The memo commissioned by intelligence committee chairman Devin Nunes and is advertised as exposing corruption at the upper ranks of the F.B.I. and D.O.J.

OK, here's a random Mime. rELEASE THE mIME!

And now its time to play...
Anagrams of the day: (created with names spelled with individual scrabble tiles, shaking them up in a Yahtzee cup and spilling them on my vibrating electronic football game until the hidden message appears...)


1. - "MALE HEROES MEET" and the similar "HERO TEAMS MELEE".
*HEROES, as in Nunes, Gowdy, the president, and all other individuals who have a hand in fighting this corruption. *MELEE, as in a confused fight, skirmish, or scuffle. That would be the democrats and their alphabet media partners in crime.

*MOLE, as in the espionage definition, and any and all of the corrupt individuals and holdovers from the obama admin who tried to throw the election to Hilery (sic). *HEARSE, as in a vehicle for conveying the coffin at a funeral.

Listen, and understand. That memo mime is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.


Tuesday, January 30, 2018


Tonight is President Donald J Trump's first State of the Union Speech and I'll be watching. Trump had a very good first year, despite constant attempts to bring him down with the false 'Russian Collusion' narrative perpetrated by the democrats, Big media, and the highest levels of the FBI and 'Intelligence'.

I don't know about you, but I am also looking forward to Mad Auntie Maxine Waters' unofficial response to the SOTU on Black Entertainment Television (BET). Here is how I see the headlines Wednesday morning:


It could happen, just take a look at their schedule.

PICTURED: I predict Mad Maxine will be given the star treatment at the BET studios. She will arrive early because of the promise of free donuts in the Green Room (and because 'what else does she have to do?) She will subsequently fall fast asleep behind the locked door of her dressing room, while a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air marathon plays on the monitor. 

Instead of brushing up on her prepared and hate-filled racist pavlovian response to Trump's speech, she will instead dream of the wealthy Banks family and shenanigans of their nephew Will, fresh from the ghettos of west Philadelphia.  

When she is quickly roused from her slumber and propped up in front of the mic by BET stage hands - her James Brown wig permanently askew to one side, and dried drool on her cheek - she is given a hit of smelling salts and a slap, just as the ON AIR light goes on.

And the rest, as they say, will be history. She will recite the entire Ill Will episode from season 2, but mangling it a bit. Instead of will not wanting to go to the doctor for a tonsillectomy because he is afraid of hospitals, it's because Trump killed the obamacare mandate. She will state that Trump is a racist with no good values who wants to make the Fresh Prince 'white again', or something...

IN CONCLUSION - and full disclosure, my predictions do not always come to pass, proving to me beyond a doubt that this blog is monitored at the highest levels and that adjustments are made on the fly. If Mad Maxine is just her regular incoherent, ignorant and racist self - you'll know they've been here and have gotten to her.

In any case, I will be doing the Carlton dance during Trump's speech.


Sunday, January 28, 2018

Skipping SOTU

Justice Ginsburg to skip State of the Union
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will not be attending President Donald Trump's State of the Union address on Tuesday. Instead, she will be at Roger Williams University in Rhode Island, for a talk catching up on some much needed shut-eye.

Ginsburg, 84, also has sent signals recently that she intends to keep her seat (and her My Pillow) on the bench for years to come.

When asked how long she intends to serve, she said... "Zzzzzzz".

regarding the wizened and bitter hag, Ruth 'Buzzi' Ginsberg...
DON'T PANIC - She is only sleeping. She does that frequently. I think she was appointed by Woodrow Wilson and I'm afraid she may live forever. When her input is required, she will be temporarily revived with a booster injection of aborted fetus blood. Soros will tell her how to vote.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Alias Strzok and Page


Another bombshell text message has been discovered by Chattering Teeth News between former members of Robert Mueller's team. This is a game changer folks!

WARNING: The following text conversation contains disgusting sexual innuendo between two very unattractive political leftist anti-Trump hacks and may induce a little throw-up in your mouth.

On a totally unrelated subject, I still have the vinyl albums of Mr. Billy Squier and Bob Seger (and neither were harmed in the making up of this blog post)

Full disclosure... I remember also having a black and white poster of Billy Squier on my teenage bedroom wall some 40+ years ago. Does that fact make me a monster?

In conclusion, the Chattering Teeth Blog just surpassed the 10 year blogiversary of its existence, and I take special pride in the fact that dozens of people (and thousands of Russian bots) have stumbled here over the last decade only to squint in confusion at my many scrawlings. Many thanks (and apologies).


Thursday, January 25, 2018

NBC's Lester Holt and his cotton candy coverage of the FBI's commissary

NBC's Lester Holt returns from NK  in a vegetative state, ala Otto Warmbier, with severe brain damage, an unresponsive wakefulness and a lack of high end cognitive function.

His colleagues are now commenting on this marked improvement and reporting abilities.

Chattering Teeth News - NBC's Lester Holt says he was 'treated with respect' at the FBI. "Nothing to see here," he tweeted, as he was spotted executing the “secret society” handshake with senior level anti-Trump corrupt agents.

"I did not see any cronyism and corruption at the senior levels of the FBI," stated Holt between bites of his ham sandwich, and who was given free reign and full access to the FBI's lunch room commissary.

MORE at 11!

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Cory Booker is... The Substitute Mansplainer

MR BOOKER: All right, listen up y'all. I'm your substitute Mr. Booker. I'm auditioning to run for in 2020 for president, so don't even think about messin' with me. You all feel me? Okay, let's take the roll. Kī-Reest-Jēan... where's Kī-Reest-Jēan at?
No Kī-Reest-Jēan here?

"Did you mean DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen?"


Is it just me, or does the substitute have fake "tears of rage" and is "seething with anger"?

Always fun to watch the skit again...

Sunday, January 21, 2018

'SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY' (Will it be cancelled due to the gov't shutdown?)

Squirrel Appreciation Day Was created in 2001 by a wildlife rehabilitator in North Carolina and has been observed annually (by a handful of scattered nuts) on January 21 ever since.


There are no government sponsored parades, picnics, fireworks... puppet shows... NUTHIN in my area today. THANKS FOR NUTTIN' DONALD TRUMP! I had been looking forward to celebrating Squirrel Appreciation Day for a very long time, if not since 5 minutes ago when I learned of this new holiday.

NOTE: To the wildlife rehabilitator who created this fake holiday 17 years ago. You really should re-name this fake holiday to something a little more catchy and memorable. How about calling it -

THANKFULLY, My Imaginary Pocket Therapy Animal is actually not a squirrel, but a Russian black-capped marmot named Checkov, and will not be affected by this shutdown.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go outside and erect a barricade around my Maple tree with the squirrel feeder hanging from the lower branch. Sorry neighborhood rodents, but I must artificially inflict as much public pain during this government shutdown as possible. I learned this nefarious trick from Obama.

Friday, January 19, 2018

Democrats starve, shackle and taunt citizens with food

Chattering Teeth News - Democrat Minority Leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi have been operating a House (& Senate) of Horrors for years, and are threatening to escape blame and continue their string of attrocities, torture and abuse against United States citizens by shutting down the government in favor of a few million illegal aliens.

The two minority leaders are facing up to life in prison after being charged Thursday for torture and child abuse, authorities said, while revealing more shocking details of the alleged atrocities that happened inside the Washington beltway.

Prosecutors allege the citizens were subjected to “frequent beatings” by their proxies in the mainstream media, and “even strangulation” in the state-controlled education system, and citizens weren’t even allowed to be unshackled to go to the correct bathroom for their gender. They also allegedly deprived them of food and water and dependent citizens were allowed to take only one shower a year.

Prosecutors also said the minority leader parents and their cohorts ate well, and would taunt their children by leaving pumpkin and apple pies on the counter and letting the children look at them, but not eat.

“I like to make them eat a bowl of doggy-doo with a cherry on top and calling it a chocolate sundae,” slurred an obviously mentally deranged Pelosi.

They would also force the citizens to try to log into the obamacare website on the laptop sitting on the filthy kitchen counter, and would laugh uproariously when they ultimately failed.

"The citizens will blame our Republican neighbors if we shut down the government because they control Congress and the White House," slurred a drooling Pelosi through slipping dentures. "We will go to the imaginary wall in full support for amnesty of the Dreamers, no matter how badly it hurts the actual legal citizens."

Prosecutors said the citizens plotted their escape for eight long years during the torturous obama administration, only to finally free themselves with the election of Trump. However, keeping these despicable democrat miscreants down and out will depend on the continued success of the righteous christian conservative citizens over these worthless piles of human debris and those who support them.... and a non-stop stream of Trump tweets, of course.


Thursday, January 18, 2018


and The Highly-Anticipated 2017 Fake News Awards go to...
'Fake News' CNN: 4
'Failing' New York Times: 2
ABC Snooz: 1
Washington Post: 1
Newsweek: 1

Is it just me, or does this list seem both highly specific and yet oddly vague at the same time? It's specific in that they point to individual fake news stories but vague in the sense that I wanted more personal attacks on individual so-called journalists. The top award does go to Buffoonish Paul
Krugman, while Brian Ross is named in the second - but it seems these first two awards are more about the DOW. Rightfully so, I suppose. Take a bow, DOW, and thank you, Mister president!

There are so many fake news stories every day, so I'm not sure how a full year's worth can be filtered down into a top 11 list. We are deluged with leftist propaganda dressed up like news, while these so-called journalists prove they are just a tool of the democrat party by ignoring actual reporting that would damage their 'side'.


Change the channel and we are assaulted by a late night troupe of sad clowns like the unfunny Trevor Noah, sloppy Stephen Colbert, and crying Jimmy Kimmel, who continue to carry the communist torch passed to them by the msm from earlier in the day.

There must be a collective sigh of relief from the seemingly endless stable of fake news reporters from all of the MSM networks when this list didn't  tag them specifically. At least give the following a participation trophy...

runner's up:
The unwashed blue jeans Anderson Cooper,
Stop the Hammerin' Lawrence O'Donnell,
Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd,
Bloody Mika and Unsolved Mystery low ratings Joe,
Dude looks nuthin' like a lady Rachel Maddow and effeminate Chris Hayes,
tequila shots Don Lemon
cosmopolitan bias Jim Acosta
etc, etc, etc...

who would you add?

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Anthropogenic Michigan Meteor

Had this meteor hit Flint, it could have caused hundreds of dollars in damage.

Most scientists agree that the recent freezing temperatures and yesterday's Michigan meteor are clearly the result of global warming. Please be on the lookout for a wandering herd of dinosaurs in the unlikely event they survived this strike.

While rare for meteor strikes in Michigan, they have happened here before. In fact, it's widely believed that numerous 'strikes' in the past resulted in the destruction of GM in Flint.

In other news...
In the search of my archives for that old dinosaur pic (above), I ran across something I wrote back in 2013. I think its pretty good so I am reposting now. I don't write like that anymore. I guess the lead catches up to you at some point.

With every technological advance, there are less and less reasons for us to actually see one another

My wife and I recently had a "debate" with our 18-year-old, the youngest of 3 boys. I say "debate", because it might have only lasted about 20 seconds, and was without those pesky time-wasting "point/counter-points".

The topic was Technology, and I surprised myself by taking the position, "technology, bad". My wife, who has on more than one occasion recently made known her desire to live on Walton's Mountain, agreed with me. My son provided a spirited defense and contrarian view by emphatically stating, "I can't believe you two are against technology."

I think I won the debate with this verbal roundhouse knockout: "Technology bad because I said so!" He never really saw that coming.

I've thought about this since. It's not that I feel that all technological advances have been bad. For instance, I am happy the caveman invented the wheel. And at some point, "FIRE! GOOOOD!"

For me, it boils down to whether these so-called "advances" lead to more human interaction or less, not just whether or not some new thing makes a task easier. The caveman's wheel allowed us to travel to and visit other communities, and the campfire allowed for more communal congregations (as well as blackened haunch of mammoth). So from my prism, Fire good, wheel good.

But what about recent advances in this digital age? Have these improvements we've enjoyed over the last few decades led to more or less human interaction?

Tweet, Facebook or text me with your answer, as I can't remember the last time I've actually seen most of you for us to have this conversation in person.

As some of you know, I enjoyed a 30 year career in newspapers. When the digital comet hit, I blogged about it on a few occasions.

"Too bad for you, but if you had it your way we'd all be riding around in a horse and carriage! Lots of people lost their jobs in carriage and buggy whip factories when the automobile was invented. Maybe we'd be better off getting our news, information and advertising on stone tablets?"

Maybe you haven't been paying attention, mister disembodied voice. The transition from horse-drawn buggies to horseless carriages improved travel, thereby expanding human interaction. Can the same be said of this digital world?

I admit to being conflicted here. I am a voracious consumer of internet-based news. I read books predominately from my Kindle. I blog (though many would wish otherwise). I'll concede these products improve the medium, but at a cost of human interaction.

There are no trucks or warehouses staffed by folks inserting, bundling and otherwise preparing these digital bytes for timely loading to the internet's back dock. There is no delivery force working through the night hours distributing these packets of data, waving to customers waiting on their front porches somewhere each day on a suburban internet router. No door-to-door weekly bill collections, conversations and human interactions that will never be again. 

Maybe it's just me, but I miss some of the simpler things that my sons will never experience.

I miss frequenting the local Borders, sipping a cappuccino while browsing the latest book selection to the song stylings of a local unknown sitting on a stool in the corner and playing his acoustic guitar.

I miss perusing the VHS movies at Blockbuster Video and getting spontaneous recommendations from strangers who notice you reading the back cover of a movie you're considering to rent.

I miss visiting the local Harmony House music retailer, not remembering the name of the artist or song I heard on the radio, but humming a few bars for the ponytailed salesperson and leaving with a new vinyl record or cassette.

I even miss pulling up to the regular pump during the winter, getting a fillup while never leaving the warmth of the car and paying the gas station attendant a $5 bill (including tip)

I miss TV Guide magazine, and going through each new issue in search of any listed Steve Martin scheduled appearances on variety and/or talk shows.

And of course I miss dirty black newsprint on my hands.

Now it appears that America's malls are the latest dinosaur in the crosshairs of the digital comet.

Like many men my age, I have never enjoyed the mall shopping experience. I've never looked forward to having to park in a different zipcode from my destination - fighting crowds and long lines of elbows and attitudes, paying confiscatory prices just to get the heck out of there, only to spend the rest of the weekend looking for my car. 

That said, it will be sad when they are gone too.

I saw somewhere recently where kids who stayed home sick from school were able to log in remotely and participate. How long before this is what public education is?

In the not-so-distant future, I'll have no reason to unplug myself from my pod.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Little Dicky Durbin crammed in drain after toaster set off smoke alarm

Chattering Teeth News - In the feel-good bi-partisan department -  They may be on opposite sides of the political fence, but when a perceived crisis occurs, you may rest assured that the president will immediately take the opportunity to cram his opponents into the nearest storm sewer.

Unfortunately, a winter storm surge swept Little Dicky deep into the lower bowels of the sewer labyrinth beneath the capital where he was transformed into a frozen turd-sycle, and is now producing some of his best legislation ever.

Sunday, January 14, 2018


this is a drill...

Jeff Spicoli, of Fast Times at Ridgemont High fame, is out as the Chief Civil Defense Button Engineer at the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency after pressing the wrong button and causing yesterday's false alarm.

SPICOLI: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Sounds like a model democrat employee for the communist republic of Hawaii. I can't imagine what went wrong, but this false alarm caused people to believe they were about to die for 38 minutes. In fairness, this is less time on average that one feels like dying while watching anything with Sean Penn in it.

So what's next for Jeff Spicoli?

SPICOLI: Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Mick are going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones!

OK, full disclosure. I really like that movie. But now that his boss, Mr. Hand, has torn his time card in half and fired him ("You d*ck!"), Hawaii is in desperate need of a new Button Engineer. I have a few worthy candidates in mind.

1) Baby Groot, of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 fame.

ROCKET: Whatever you do, don't push *this* button... Does anybody have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button. 

Baby Groot is an animated potted plant not named "Joe Biden." Maybe Baby Groot would make a better VP candidate for Oprah. As Button Mgr, he has a 50/50 chance of pushing the right button every time. This wooden twig is smarter than the average dope smoking democrat.

2) Fat guy in a little coat.

If the guy is fat enough, he won't even be able to reach the buttons.

3) Matt Lauer.

He checks all the boxes. He's a democrat. He's unemployed and available. He has a ton of experience manipulating a secret desk button.

There are numerous other worthy candidates who reach the democrat low bar . Here are just a few more...
So far the Ryobi 18-Volt ONE+ Lithium-Ion Starter Drill is the leading candidate for the job.