Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Key pieces of Obama's "Malia at Harvard" plan

Move-in day at Harvard

OBAMA: Number one, we will not talk about numbers of tutors or marxists professors we will employ for furthering Malia's indoctrination. She's not the brightest bulb, so who knows.

Secondly, I've said it many times how counterproductive it is for students to announce the dates they intend to begin or end college. Malia took a gap year after high school - and let's face it, the odds are as long as her substantial forehead that she will be literate in just 4 years. It will depend on conditions on the campus grounds, not arbitrary timetables to graduate.

Lastly, Michelle and I are committed to working with the Harvard Administration, but our support is not a blank check. We expect Malia to be a good little communist, not that Harvard should find that a very difficult task.

Obama said bluntly that Malia was "not education-building again." To finish the point, he added: "She will be killing brain cells," just like her her parents did.

And little Malia and her new marxist democrat socialist classmate friends took off looking for campus statues to vandalize, as Barack and Michelle wept in pride.

THE END

Bonus question... what America-hating slogan is on Malia's designer T?

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Eclipse glasses... parting is such sweet sorrow.

Our story continues...

We left off with Bilbo getting aggressive when he faces the reality of parting company with the Eclipse Glasses. He argues that he should have the right to keep them.

The Eclipse glasses are his "precious".

"And yet it would be a relief in a way not to be bothered with these Eclipse glasses any more. It has been so growing on my mind lately. Sometimes I have felt it was like an eye looking at me. And I am always wanting to put it on and disappear, don't you know; or wondering if it is safe, and pulling it out to make sure. I tried locking it up, but I found I couldn't rest without it in my pocket. I don't know why. And I don't seem to be able to make up my mind."

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Don't throw out those Eclipse Glasses after Monday

The Great American Eclipse is almost here, and everyone has been scarfing up those special glasses in anticipation of this rare celestial event. It will all be over before you know it, and then what to do with your glasses?

Well FRET NOT my little snowflakes, for I know how much you enjoy recycling. Just re-purpose those bad boys into Trigger Blockers! Until all of those racist statues can be torn down and replaced with liberal leftist icons like Margaret Sanger - just put on your Trigger Blockers!

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!! They also function as Trump Twitter Trigger Blockers.
DISCLAIMER: These glasses are not "idiot proof" and severe eye damage may occur if used improperly.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Just Topplin' Statues

Leftist fascist 'anti-fascist' protesters toppled a statue of Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse at Disneyland California. Some protesters ran up to the mangled white nationalist mouse and repeatedly kicked it, while others used the distraction to cut in line for Space Mountain.

In Michael Moore's hometown of Davison, MI, counter counter protesters have pulled down this Big Boy...
H/T to my friend, Ed M...

What! They can't do that!


Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Just Throwing Rocks

Dear Blog,

I'm not really sure why I seem so fixated on Sasquatch sightings. It's not like I actually BELIEVE in huge, hairy ape-like biped creatures that roam the forests and mountains - smart enough to evade capture or leave any actual evidence of their existence, but so stupid as to preoccupy itself by making stick structures and rock arrangements. I mean, THAT'S CRAZY TALK!

I'm more of an Occam's razor kind of guy and therefore choose the simpler explanation. 'Squatch are superior humanoids who are actually future versions of our evolved selves from some time in the distant future when we have managed to master time travel (and run-on sentences) and can move back and forth from our time to theirs through invisible portals of energy hidden in large oak trees to evade capture while our future ancestors study us. 

Since almost every Sasquatch sighting seems to involve them throwing rocks and not firing ray guns, I'm left to conclude that no weapons or materials can go thru these portals, and the 'Squatch travel naked - just like the Terminator.

THE END

It's a crazy world and sometimes a tad overwhelming just trying to absorb it all. That's why when I am reading the latest story about a Sasquatch sighting, I will just imagine it is a story about North Korea's Kim Jung Un. Try it!

Kim Jung Un - Real or Hoax?

It works the other way also. Here is how I read the latest headlines in order to cope...

Sasquatch could soon develop a  trebuchet with the potential to hit hikers and capmers and irritate them many miles away.

No Sasquatch talks while rocks are flying, Tillerson says

US spy satellites detect rogue 'Squatch building rock pile.

The U.N. Security Council on Saturday voted unanimously to introduce a set of punishing sanctions against these hairy, rock-throwing creatures.

Sasquatch promise 'thousands-fold' revenge in response to United Nations sanctions

Chicago mayor, Rahm Emanuel, likened these sanctions to “blackmail,” and declared that Chicago will remain a Squatch-welcoming city.

Attorney General Sessions said the city of Chicago has chosen to protect criminal Sasquatch who prey on random hillbillys instead of enforcing laws

There. I hope you feel better now.

THE END AGAIN

Saturday, August 5, 2017

White House Reno - House of Canine Horrors!

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Renovations are now underway at the White House, and contractors have made a gruesome discovery behind a false wall in the Oval Office fireplace.

An emergency team of forensic pathologists were called onto the scene and have determined the blackened pile of butchered carcasses, entrails and puffs of black and white curly fur were the remains of what is thought to be 42 Portuguese Water Dogs.


 "Oval Office? More like Offal Office," said one anonymous medical examiner, as he vomited into the trash can next to the Resolute desk. 

 It was reported last week by golf.com that Trump had called the White House a "dump," a charge he denied via twitter on Wednesday. "I didn't say the White House was a dump, I said that it smelled like ass after 8 years of obama," Trump should have clarified.

Now, at least, we know the origins of the odor. It is well documented that obama is a long-time dog eater during his Indonesian boyhood.

Now we may finally have the answer as to why "BO and Sunny" never came when they were called (and the reason why Barack seemed to constantly be drawing flies).

According to my exhaustive 5-minute google search, six dolphins were used as Flipper in the old 'Flipper' TV series, and as many as nine collies played the part of "Lassie" in that TV series. Now it has been discovered that the Obamas dogs, Bo and Sunny, have been spelled a combined 42 times in Barack and Michelle's sad little 8-year run.

I could be wrong, but I doubt Flipper was replaced due to the Director getting a weekly hankering for a hunk of blackened mahi mahi. 

 The West Wing refurbishments will continue on schedule, with new carpeting installed, as well as a proper burial for what's left of the earlier versions of Bo and Sunny. Cost runovers are reportedly required for the dismantling of Michelle's vegetable garden and the safe removal of obama's marijuana grow house and meth lab in the White House tunnels.
THE END

Bo (#13) during 'happier' times...

Friday, August 4, 2017

Trump's new "3 Questions" immigration policy

Trump says he wants immigrants 'who speak English' and won't 'collect welfare'
"This competitive application process will favor applicants who can speak English, financially support themselves and their families and demonstrate skills that will contribute to our economy," Trump said today at the White House alongside Cotton and Perdue.

You mean our immigration system should be built on adding assets and not burdens? What a novel concept! The applications only need those 3 Questions:
1) Do you speaka dee English?;
2) Can you assimilate and contribute to our society?;
3) What is your favorite color?

Here's how the Raise Act will work!
Monty Python and the Holy Grail: 3 Questions



BREAKING!!! CHATTERING TEETH EXCLUSIVE UPDATE!!

The keeper of the Immigration Bridge of Death will ask each wannabe immigrant three questions. If the traveller answers all three correctly, they may cross in safety and become a productive member of this country. If any of the questions are answered incorrectly, they are cast into the Rio Grande Gorge of Eternal Peril. Let's peek in on the new immigration policy in progress...

KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Immigration Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, o'kay? This I will tell you. Buhleave me. What is your name?

IMMIGRANT: f*&k you, cabrĂ³n! Me llamo Jose'. Abre la puerta!

KEEPER: I don't think so...

KEEPER: Next! What is your name?

IMMIGRANT: Muhamid Bin Bangin GoatZ el Abdullah. Allahu Akbar!

KEEPER: Nice try f&*ker. You had me at Muhamid...

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

KEEPER: Next! What is your name?

IMMIGRANT: Barry Soetoro.

KEEPER: What is your quest?

IMMIGRANT: To redistribute wealth and fundamentally transform America into a socialist utopia.

KEEPER: What is your favorite color?

IMMIGRANT: Pink.

KEEPER: Right. Off you go.

IMMIGRANT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

KEEPER: Just kidding! KEEPER: I don't think so...